Any funny jokes?

[charbie]

On Thanksgiving, we were headed to a casino (classy, right?) and it was a bit over an hour drive, so to entertain, I asked my sister to look yup some jokes on her phone. We were laughing so hard! Many were not repeatable, but ill share what I can...share your favorite jokes!

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

 

[Steel]

I can't leave you hanging charbie...

Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:
-- Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.

 

[SlotMonster]

Sorry for bumping an old thread ladies But I found a website with, well, not actually with jokes, but with funny every day life stories written by website visitors

Here it is: http://kmplease.com

Some of their stories are simply hilarious!

 

[Dandi]

Did you hear about the man who had his entire left side cut off? Apparently he's alright. (I know, it's a shocker )

And one for the kiddies...

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
-- Can you smell carrots?

 

[SlotMonster]

Thanks for a good laugh!

Here is my favorite:

A week ago, I came home early, only to hear moaning sounds from our bedroom. Without accusing my wife, I just took all money we had and left to Las Vegas. After a week of endless calls and texts asking me what’s going on and where am I, I finally texted her back that I knew she was cheating on me that day. Her reply: “You idiot, I told you that my brother asked to use our house to spend few hours with his new girlfriend, but you didn’t listen to me!!! Come back home! NOW!!!” I wasted all money and have been sleeping with new chick every night while staying in Vegas. KMP.

http://kmplease.com/sex/2137

 

[stci]

Wahooooo! It's the most difficult topic for a non english woman!

Sometimes I understand sometimes I still in front of my computer with mouth open hoping I will catch the joke! Really heavy!

 

[SlotMonster]

But don't ask us to explain jokes! My native language is Russian btw

 

[Gailey]

Renee - post your Costco story, it was the funniest think I'd heard in years!

Meanwhile, I can't say it's necessarily a favourite - it only arrived in my mailbox this morning, but I did like it. So for all my fellow Canadians, without further ado:

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a
Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
Are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and
Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
Losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same
Thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
Knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my
Name is Heather, and you are
Losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
The next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
Her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.........."

 

[stci]

Gailey!

 

[TooPatient]

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba
said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number and told
him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out
and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his
height, weight, a complete medical history and
told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked
Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So
the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and
told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait
for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found
Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked
Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you
want me to unload 'em??'

 

[Strawdermangrl]

For Gailey, my COSTCO story.

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy shit to say.

 

[HeartingDiamonds]

LOVE the Costco story!!

Here's my favorite one:

Husband: Honey, what should I get you for our anniversary?

Wife: I dont care AS LONG AS IT HAS DIAMONDS!

He got her a deck of cards

 

[SlotMonster]

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 3 years, so she thought it was time to have sex. She asked me about it, and I said “OK”. She also said pull out when you need to. When we were having sex I needed to pull out, but she closed her legs and screamed: “let’s make a baby!!!” KMP.

http://kmplease.com/sex/2769
Can't stop reading it!!!

 

[Dandi]

Hehe HD, love it! Mine is along similar lines.

Husband: Darling, what would you like for your birthday?

Wife: I'd like something that goes from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds!

So he bought her some scales