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onedrop

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 24, 2006
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2,216
BF is moving in on Monday!!! And as I have never lived with a man before, I''d like to see what pearls of wisdom you all have. I have already cleared a lot of space for his stuff, so he''ll be able to fill that in at his leisure. And I spent a ton of time cleaning and giving away and throwing away old stuff. But I would like hear your experiences when you and your BF, FI or hubby first began sharing space!
 

labbielove

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
Messages
862
fi moved in last july.
we are 39 and 42, neither having lived with a romantic partner before, but plenty of roommates over the years.
but- we''ve both lived alone for the past 8 years before meeting each other
so i did have some adjustment.
he moved into my house that i own- so my experience could be different than some couples who moved to a new place together,etc.

1. i was initially worried about him discovering what i like to call my "secret single behaviors" (ala Sex And the City fame) for me- that''s things like eating frosting out of the can, picking my zits in the bathroom mirror, wearing a retainer to bed several nights a week- you get it, stuff you are not thrilled about having people know about you.

2. i felt defensive (and sometimes still do) when he points out things needing repair around the house. but all he''s doing is mentioning "the sink is leaking, we need to fix it" and i would hear "why do you own such a terrible sink" that''s not the exact scenario, but you get the point. i think that was/is the result of some territory thing. like, it''s ok for me to criticize my house, but not for anyone else to do it

Those were my 2 biggest adjustments, but I can honestly say I am sooooooo happy we did this before marrying. although we did wait until we were engaged because i can''t imagine going through this unless i was in it for the long haul. I love the intimacy that comes with having someone who knows all my "secrets" and "odd behaviors" and "flaws" and loves me anyway, maybe even moreso because of them. It is the best feeling in the world.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
I have lived with 4 people in total, and find it fairly easy to do - although FI and I are the best at getting on out of the 4 (probably why he is my FI
)

I think a lot comes down to what sort of people you are. We both like to spend a lot of time together, but like our space at the same time. Often we sit and watch tv with our respective laptops in comfortable silence and a half-hourly hug!

My sister & her husband have a lot of problems because she has no hobbies and wants to be entertained all the time. He on the other hand needs to read his books and play with his computer in peace and quiet. They still don''t seem to be able to work this out.


The fun of cooking his meals and ironing his shirts wears off quite quickly...

If one of you is late back from work or wants to go out, or have people round it is polite to let the other person know in advance - men normally need training here!

Pick your battles - sometimes it''s just not that important and sometimes compromise is the best solution.

Don''t expect it to be perfect all the time. It''s easy to feel things are going wrong at the first row or the first moment you feel maybe one or other of you is feeling cooped up and suffocated. I tend to grab a sketchbook and go drawing at a museum in London - it gets me out of the house, concentrates my mind, calms me down and I feel better afterwards. Some people need to shop/swim etc whatever works for you - just remember it''s normal and doesn''t mean he''s wrong for you or the relationships going wrong.

Right that''s enough nonsense from me
 

sumbride

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2006
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3,867
It really helps to have more than one bathroom! And if you close the door, you can still study your pores ala Charlotte. I do! I''m sure he would think it was weird if he could see me do it.

Alone time is crucial, but you need together time too. Not "we''re in the same house so we''re together" but "let''s do this together" time. Sometimes the routines of everyday life get in the way of "lets watch a movie while cuddling on the couch" and you really need both. Since you aren''t just "dating" anymore, it''s hard sometimes to make time for dating! Do it, it''s important, and it''s fun!

You will find your own routines as things settle in, but you can''t expect to establish them immediately... that sort of thing sort of works itself out over time.

If there are chores you really hate, compare notes... and switch off. I can''t STAND doing the dishes, but FI doesn''t mind it, so he does them. I vacuum and do most of the cooking.

Have fun, enjoy it, and roll with it! It may be a struggle at first, but it is a lot of fun and it''s nice to have him there beside you. Good luck!
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
I''ll give the same advice that was given to me. I hope you have an internal door (ei bedroom door) so that you can slam it. Cause you''ll want to.

It''s only happened a couple of times that I''ve wanted to do that... but they were both in our first year together.

I''ll also advise you to exchange the same promise we did: No matter how bad the arguement or fight, we sleep together, in one bed every night. It''s amazing how much this forces you to work through things. One night I was so angry I stomped out into the living room to sleep on the couch. He followed me, and slept on the floor next to the couch... until I felt so bad and childish I went back to bed. That was during our first year too. And its never happened again.
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
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11,534
Date: 1/19/2007 6:27:01 PM
Author: labbielove
i felt defensive (and sometimes still do) when he points out things needing repair around the house. but all he''s doing is mentioning ''the sink is leaking, we need to fix it'' and i would hear ''why do you own such a terrible sink'' that''s not the exact scenario, but you get the point. i think that was/is the result of some territory thing. like, it''s ok for me to criticize my house, but not for anyone else to do it
Oh BOY!! This was me, big time!! It''s been over a year now, and we''ve now been married three months - so the house def feels more "ours" now ... but at first -- maybe because it''s my first house & I picked it by myself -- I felt VERY JUDGED and was over-identifying with "my flawed house".

We''re still struggling with clutter issues - too much stuff - not enough storage in this old house ... but, honestly, the whole thing was MUCH MUCH easier and more enjoyable than I ever thought it would be!


I got rid of 1/2 my chores (including my own catboxes!)& ones I''d always hated!
There''s 1000% more back-scratching!
I only have to carry in 1/2 the groceries!
And I have to drive much much less!

Sure there are socks & shirts left on the floor & hair in the sink & times I want to sit in front of his computer screen to get his attention ... but most of the stuff: PEACHY!

(But then again I''m a freakin'' Newlywed!
)
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 25, 2005
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12,145
Date: 1/19/2007 7:21:12 PM
Author: Gypsy
I'll give the same advice that was given to me. I hope you have an internal door (ei bedroom door) so that you can slam it. Cause you'll want to.

It's only happened a couple of times that I've wanted to do that... but they were both in our first year together.
Ahhhhh, that was a little TOO funny to me, if ya know what I mean.


But I also agree with deco's list....I don't hafta clean the catboxes anymore either! Right on!!
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,758
After living with my DH for the last 5.5 years (3.5 of which we''ve been married), I recently read something and realized I need to take it to heart. Can''t remember where I read/saw it, but it''s something like this:

When you''re having those moments of "OMG, I can''t believe he left dishes in the sink/didn''t pick up his dirty socks/forgot to mail the bills, etc.," think: "would I have even complained about that when living on my own?" Wow, when I read that it was a total eye-opener. Once again, I remembered that my man cannot read my mind, nor should I expect him to. Same goes for him, though, in case he gets ticked off over petty things like that. Life is waaaaaaayy too short to cause a commotion over the little things. Somehow that''s hard to remember when you come home from a stressful day at work, though, and you''re ready to bite off the head of whoever''s listening. Sooo, if you ever have a stressful day at work don''t go straight home to him/her, drive home a slightly alternate route, or just around the neighborhood til you feel calm enough, then go home to your loved one so you don''t end up taking out your bad day on them.
 

wolftress

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2006
Messages
847
My FI moved in with me early last year, and it was HARD! It was a tiny 1-bedroom flat, and he had so much stuff. I am a Virgo, so I like my things to be neat, and my living space to look nice. That all went out the window when he moved in. He converted part of the small lounge room into his study and likes to listen to loud music when he works, so my only retreat was the bedroom, which was also cluttered with his stuff. For the first few weeks, all our arguments ended with me yelling, "Move out, then!!" But when I thought about it, no matter how messy or cluttered the flat was, I preferred having him there to not. So we worked things out, got used to respecting each other''s space, and when things got too stifling, I''d go for a walk around the block.

We have recently moved into a 3-level townhouse, and it is SO much better. We were so lucky to get this place at the low rental price! FI has the entire basement level to himself, all his computer stuff is there and he can tinker to his heart''s content. The middle level with the dining/living area and kitchen, is our shared space, and the upstairs level is mine
I can keep it as clean as I want, and decorate it however I want. It works really well for both of us. But the funny thing is, I find myself going downstairs to his messy, cluttered basement a lot to spend time with him


I think after a few weeks of adjustment, you and your BF will find a comfortable middle ground that works well for the both of you. It''s always harder when one person moves into another''s living space. Just remember, he''s moving in because he wants to spend as much time as possible with you!
 

sarie_j

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 15, 2007
Messages
130
My FI moved in with me about a year ago and it was hard for us too at first - FI is a complete anal neat freak - he even wants all the folded sides of the towels facing the same way in our cabinet - and I''m more of a pick it up out of a pile and smell it type of girl - I know, I know, weird that I''m the nasty one...
But eventually we worked it all out, lol, I''m allowed one laundry basket with all my stuff heaped on it in the bedroom and he gets to iron the sheets (?!?)

One other thing we started when we first got together, and yeah it''s corny and mushy, but we won''t go to sleep if we''re fighting -- It was my idea to start with and I got it from the Cosby show lol, but this way we each just get out whatever is on our minds and have to talk about it.
Oh yeah, we also got rid of my king-sized bed and now sleep in a standard - We decided there was far too much apart room in a king-sized...
Basically I''m with the other ladies, you''ll find what works for you and it will be wonderful so enjoy it -
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
I love living together! I''m one of those people that hates being left alone, and so is DH, which makes everything work quite nicely. We moved in together around June of last year, and haven''t had any problems. The only thing I would change is having a bigger bathroom... like REALLY big. My DH is a little bit of a neat freak and he always "puts my stuff away for me" also read as "moves it so I can''t find it or puts it on the top shelf where I can''t reach it". But I really do love living together. It cuts cleaning time in half, or sometimes all together because he cleans, does dishes, washes, cooks... etc. etc. And so that means that lots of times I don''t have to do anything and I don''t even have to ask! And considering I HATE cleaning and laundry, it''s great that I get out of it sometimes, hahaha. It''s also nice at night because you know you are safe while you''re sleeping (I really hate sleeping in an empty house). I personally love the living arrangement, and it''s nice to come home after work and have someone there. It''s just little things like that. And I also agree with the poster who said don''t go to bed angry. We never do and it has worked well so far. You''ll love living with your FI! It''s a lot of fun, and soon you will both fall into a routine that works for both of you.

*M*
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
Messages
7,074
FI and I are moving in together too somewhere between May and July... so it''s great to get some advice! Keep it coming!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
A sense of humor is key, and not letting the little things build up to be huge things. How different are your living habits? Have you discussed chores and such for daily around the house stuff? It helps sometimes to have some sort of routine, so no one says it is the other''s "job". Or you can just be loose and flexible too...if that works for you...and try to keep a bit of the romance...sounds hokey, but picking up someone undies can take away some of that! To me, living together has comforts and ease, which is why it is nice, but it is also important never to take each other for granted either...
 

labbielove

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
Messages
862
Date: 1/19/2007 7:38:53 PM
Author: decodelighted
Date: 1/19/2007 6:27:01 PM

Author: labbielove

i felt defensive (and sometimes still do) when he points out things needing repair around the house. but all he''s doing is mentioning ''the sink is leaking, we need to fix it'' and i would hear ''why do you own such a terrible sink'' that''s not the exact scenario, but you get the point. i think that was/is the result of some territory thing. like, it''s ok for me to criticize my house, but not for anyone else to do it

Oh BOY!! This was me, big time!! It''s been over a year now, and we''ve now been married three months - so the house def feels more ''ours'' now ... but at first -- maybe because it''s my first house & I picked it by myself -- I felt VERY JUDGED and was over-identifying with ''my flawed house''.


We''re still struggling with clutter issues - too much stuff - not enough storage in this old house ... but, honestly, the whole thing was MUCH MUCH easier and more enjoyable than I ever thought it would be!



I got rid of 1/2 my chores (including my own catboxes!)& ones I''d always hated!

There''s 1000% more back-scratching!
Deco, omg, the CLUTTER!!! still dealing with it also. we have an old house too, small closets but lots of charm. unfortunately now i can only use 1/2 of the small closets. so- we are turning the tiny bedroom into a big closet- eventually. And i couldn''t agree more about the 1/2 of the chores. FI does most of the grocery shopping and dishes. It''s nice halving the responsibilities, I have a crazy work schedule and it''s nice when I get home to have someone waiting with a glass of wine, or some mac and cheese and a hug!
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
Date: 1/19/2007 11:56:06 PM
Author: anchor31
FI and I are moving in together too somewhere between May and July... so it''s great to get some advice! Keep it coming!
Im thinking the same. D and I are hoping to move in around August so all this advice is great!
 

jas

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 9, 2006
Messages
1,991
Um, yeah, separate bathrooms. Very very very good thing.

He doesn''t trip over my gallons of hair goo, and I avoid thinking, "Jeez, what kind of person can make a stink like that?"

Then again, I''m really classy.

I just had to learn to find a "your space, my space, our space." And to divvy up chores. Ask what chores your guy hates...maybe you can trade a couple you hate (for example, I hate doing dishes, don''t mind laundry...DH is opposite, so he cleans up after dinner every night, and I remove stains and keep things April Fresh. Which is important given what I said above.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
Just to add:

We''re both quite untidy and hate housework. We also work horrendous hours, so we have a cleaning lady who comes once a week and keeps the place from looking like a bomb site. We share the cost and she''s worth every penny. All my living together friends have done the same and it makes such a difference to stress-levels!
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
Figure out what really matters now and talk about those things. Remember that it won''t matter 6 months from now whether he let dishes sit in the sink overnight every once in a while but that it will matter if you insult him and say unkind things if he does so.

Never go to bed angry (kinda like always sleep in the same bed, the only time we don''t is when one of us is sick). I think this should be a rule in relationships whether you live together or not. Holding on to anger and upset can only do damage.

Respect each others need for space and alone time. If possible create a space in the house this is yours and yours alone (my hubby and I each have an office decorated exactly how we prefer, no input from each other. I have a couch, workout machine and computer set up in mine and it is my little slice of heaven with stripes on the walls and a bit of clutter that only I can make sense of).

If you don''t like the way he does something, don''t complain about it, if you can''t resist choose to do it yourself instead (e.g. loading the dishwasher, laundry, etc.). He''s doing it his way and that doesn''t make one of you wrong and the other right, just different.

Laugh a lot. Be playful, it''s a great way to remind yourselves why you are living together and are in love.

Figure out how you''ll handle finances before moving in. Make sure you both agree as it is the number one thing people argue about and divorce over.

If you can, have seperate bathrooms. An acquiantance''s boyfriend thought this was rather strange, he wanted to know what church we attended, she said we''re member of The Church of Staying Married.

Be considerate of one another, if you say you''ll be home at six don''t stroll in and half past eight and wonder why he''s upset.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
Figure out what really matters now and talk about those things. Remember that it won''t matter 6 months from now whether he let dishes sit in the sink overnight every once in a while but that it will matter if you insult him and say unkind things if he does so.

Never go to bed angry (kinda like always sleep in the same bed, the only time we don''t is when one of us is sick). I think this should be a rule in relationships whether you live together or not. Holding on to anger and upset can only do damage.

Respect each others need for space and alone time. If possible create a space in the house this is yours and yours alone (my hubby and I each have an office decorated exactly how we prefer, no input from each other. I have a couch, workout machine and computer set up in mine and it is my little slice of heaven with stripes on the walls and a bit of clutter that only I can make sense of).

If you don''t like the way he does something, don''t complain about it, if you can''t resist choose to do it yourself instead (e.g. loading the dishwasher, laundry, etc.). He''s doing it his way and that doesn''t make one of you wrong and the other right, just different.

Laugh a lot. Be playful, it''s a great way to remind yourselves why you are living together and are in love.

Figure out how you''ll handle finances before moving in. Make sure you both agree as it is the number one thing people argue about and divorce over.

If you can, have seperate bathrooms. An acquiantance''s boyfriend thought this was rather strange, he wanted to know what church we attended, she said we''re members of The Church of Staying Married.

Be considerate of one another, if you say you''ll be home at six don''t stroll in and half past eight and wonder why he''s upset.
 

onedrop

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 24, 2006
Messages
2,216
THANK YOU...for all of the advice and relating of experiences! BF is moving into the house I have owned for the last 6 years and I thought it would be difficult to be ready to "give up" that independent feeling, but I am realizing that I am surprisingly ready!! There are 2 bathrooms (thank God) and he is neat which is a plus because that is so typically not me.

I''ll have to come back to this thread three weeks from now when I am giving him attitude about something....


Deco...you are HILARIOUS, but I loved that you shared that experience!! And I am glad to read that people actually do follow the advice of sleeping in the same bed, even if we are angry. Also the part about giving each other is something to keep in mind. Heck...ALL of the advice was good! Thanks ladies!!!!
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Date: 1/20/2007 3:24:27 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Never go to bed angry (kinda like always sleep in the same bed, the only time we don''t is when one of us is sick). I think this should be a rule in relationships whether you live together or not. Holding on to anger and upset can only do damage.
This is what I used to believe too, until I met TGuy. Now my motto is: Never force a guy to go to bed happy!

I''m the kind of gal that once TGuy says "I''m sorry," I am happy and good to go. He processes anger differently. It''s not that he WANTS to hold onto it, but it just takes longer to dissapate. Sometimes that means I can''t push the issue to make all things hunky dory before the day is over. Sometimes that makes it WORSE and now I know how to handle it. I leave him alone and he is far more rational in a day or two.

My other two bits of advice are:

1. Screw "treat others as you would like to be treated"....instead Treat him as HE wishes to be treated. What you think is the right way to work with him may not be his way. Gotta work with the materials girlfriend...can''t mold steel with your hands...

2. IT''S NOT PERSONAL! This may be hard to believe, but he is not leaving his socks around to drive you crazy ON PURPOSE.
 

Officers girl

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 16, 2007
Messages
218
Date: 1/19/2007 7:18:53 PM
Author: sumbride
It really helps to have more than one bathroom! And if you close the door, you can still study your pores ala Charlotte. I do! I''m sure he would think it was weird if he could see me do it.

Alone time is crucial, but you need together time too. Not ''we''re in the same house so we''re together'' but ''let''s do this together'' time. Sometimes the routines of everyday life get in the way of ''lets watch a movie while cuddling on the couch'' and you really need both. Since you aren''t just ''dating'' anymore, it''s hard sometimes to make time for dating! Do it, it''s important, and it''s fun!

You will find your own routines as things settle in, but you can''t expect to establish them immediately... that sort of thing sort of works itself out over time.

If there are chores you really hate, compare notes... and switch off. I can''t STAND doing the dishes, but FI doesn''t mind it, so he does them. I vacuum and do most of the cooking.

Have fun, enjoy it, and roll with it! It may be a struggle at first, but it is a lot of fun and it''s nice to have him there beside you. Good luck!
^^What she said
And also let the little things go, yes sometimes you just want to scream when you wake up and fall in the toilet but just try to laugh it off and remember that being close with one another is really more important than a wet bum
 

rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 2, 2005
Messages
2,105
I know the rule about never go to bed angry, but we finally discovered this:

if we keep fighting at 2-3 am as we get tireder and tireder we get nastier and nastier. so we still sleep in the same bed, but we now will just go to sleep if it gets very late and continue it the next day. sometimes when we wake up we realise being mad was silly.
 
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