Another Play Date Question

[Girlrocks]

Ok, this may sound petty, but when you child calls a friend to ask them to play, does the friend come to your house?

My oldest daughters (twins, 8 yrs old) are very good friends with the next door neighbor (same age). This girl calls EVERYDAY after school to ask if my daughters can play, and then says, well I have to come over there because my mom is (fill in the blank...busy, tired, has a headache, cooking, working, etc, etc, etc). EVERYDAY. Now, when my kids call a friend to ask them to play, we are asking them to come over our house. What do you think?

She has slept over our house at least once a month for the past 3 years, my daughters have slept over there twice. It has gotten to the point that my husband gets angry when he comes home and sees her here because he thinks I''m being taken advantage of.

And the topper was last weekend. She came over at 10am Saturday morning, played all day, then asked to sleep over. I said sure. At 11am on Sunday, I told her it was time to go home (keep in mind Mom had not called once to check on her, see what time I wanted her to go home, nothing). After she left, my daughter told me that they had been talking and the friend had said that her mom told her that my daughters always come to her house to play and she never gets to come over our house. What? Not 1 hour later, she calls to ask if my daughters can play. Again, she has to come over our house because Mom is going to the grocery store. I said no. She then says her mom says they can come to her house as long as they stay outside (it was under 30 out, so I said no).

Over the Christmas break, I kept her kids for 2 entire days because mom was very sick. Then I got a call at 9:30 one night asking if the girl could come over because her brother needed to go the the ER to get stiches because he fell down the stairs. She slept over then too.

I almost think that the mom does not even know that the girl calls us each day. But on the other hand, I do feel like maybe I am being taken advantage of. Just wondered how others handles pushy kids?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You are being taken advantage of by the mom not the little girl. She is caught in the middle and I am sure has pure intentions (of playing with your daughters). I am sure the mom pressures her to come to your house which is so sad. Not sure what you can do about it besides confronting the mom. Sorry you are in this position.

ETA: obviously my DD is MUCH younger but when I organize a playdate I expect it to be at my house. I would NEVER invite myself over (or have her invite herself over when she is older). That is just rude!

 

[puffy]

when we have play dates, who ever organizes it, it is assumed that it will be at their house. it would be weird if i called 3 sets of parents and organized a play date for the kids and then say, by the way, it''ll be at X''s house, not mine.
like tacori said, it is most likely the mom pushing her daughter to call your girls and go to play at your house. i''m sure all the girl wants to do is play with your girls at your house or her house.
if it''s getting to the point where your DH is not happy when he comes home because he sees her there, then i would say to either say something to the other mom, or maybe you could call the mom and tell her that you had plans and wanted to have a play date at her house, INSIDE her house? or just simply say that your girls are busy and their friend can''t come over that certain day and give it a break for a little bit.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/9/2009 5:40:26 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
You are being taken advantage of by the mom not the little girl. She is caught in the middle and I am sure has pure intentions (of playing with your daughters). I am sure the mom pressures her to come to your house which is so sad. Not sure what you can do about it besides confronting the mom. Sorry you are in this position.


ETA: obviously my DD is MUCH younger but when I organize a playdate I expect it to be at my house. I would NEVER invite myself over (or have her invite herself over when she is older). That is just rude!

While I think Tacori is probably right, I have known a few very pushy kids in my time who have invited themselves over to someone''s house repeatedly without the parent knowing. I.e., the child calls and says "can Tommy play?" and then invites herself to your house and tells mom that she was invited over. So it''s possible that the child is the conniving one...

Is there a way you could get to know the mom a bit more to try and figure out what''s going on? I think it''s hard to act without knowing whether it''s the mom or the child who is pressuring you here. But you are certainly being taken advantage of.

 

[777_LDY]

That is crazy! That poor little girl! I am sure she must not know any better, and I am sorry that her mother is taking advantage of you!

I can only remember something like this happening once before. One of my 8 yr old son's friends called and asked if my son could go over his house. My son asked me and I said sure, I just needed to speak to one of the parents. Well, dad gets on the phone and doesn't have a clue that his child has just invited my son over. Needless to say it was a bit awkward and resulted in this child coming to my house.

That must be a difficult position to be in. Just out of curiosity, is she polite when she comes over?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

But if her child was over at her house for almost 24 hours and the mother didn''t stop by or call...I don''t know. That seems VERY odd!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/9/2009 6:05:27 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
But if her child was over at her house for almost 24 hours and the mother didn''t stop by or call...I don''t know. That seems VERY odd!

Yes odd indeed. I hope you can have a nice chat with the Mom. Something is going on here.... Not sure what, but best to talk with the Mom. Is she a single Mom, not that it matters, just curious...

 

[777_LDY]

Date: 1/9/2009 6:05:27 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
But if her child was over at her house for almost 24 hours and the mother didn''t stop by or call...I don''t know. That seems VERY odd!

Ditto!!!! I couldn''t even imagine not speaking to my children before bed. Not to mention my kids have only ever slept over GP''s houses!

 

[Aloros]

I get the feeling it is the mom taking advantage of you. She has got to know what's going on, unless the little girl is very deceitful and the mom is not home much at all. I know with my stepson-to-be, my fiance and I had to teach him that it was very bad manners to invite yourself over to someone else's place. I'm pretty sure that for most people - when you call them, you're inviting them over, not the other way around!

I mean, I guess it's possible that she's calling and then telling her mom that she was invited over, but you'd think that her mom would be listening in on some of these phone conversations (I mean...she's 8! how else can she learn phone manners?) or at least get the sense that she was imposing on you.

If she's your neighbor, is there any way you could just go over and have that delicate conversation with her? It might be a little uncomfortable, but you could get some things cleared up. You could start with saying "I notice so-and-so is over at our place a lot..."

It's nice that your daughters have such a close friend nearby, but enough is enough!

ETA: Something about this just strikes me as really off. Even if she is a single mom, she has got to know where her daughter is spending her time, doesn't she? Who sends their child for an impromptu all-day all-night visit...and then back again the next day??? And saying that if your daughters came over, they'd have to stay outside? That's just so, so strange given the weather. Really makes me lean toward this mom taking advantage of you.

 

[swingirl]

You are being taken advantage of. You are being indirectly asked to babysit.

But on top of that a play date for 8 year olds should be set up by adults who discuss the time frame and activity. And, of course, whoever makes the call should be providing the location HOWEVER your friend''s house doesn''t sound like a well-supervised place to be!

 

[VegasAngel]

Girlrocks, you are a free babysitter. Tough situation because you don't want to take it out on the girls, but I would limit the time she is over & make plans with her mother from now on. I definitely wouldn't let my daughter go over there, you know how well she will be watched.

 

[vespergirl]

The mother is taking advantage of you by asking you to act as her free babysitter - that''s awful. Does that mother have any drug or alcohol problems that you know of? Maybe the daughter is trying to get away from a bad situation at home ...

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Well, not only does it sound like you're being taken advantage of, the mom sounds like she is neglectful. Walk the child home after EVERY playdate to see what is going on with that parent! Possibly Vesper is right that the mom has a drinking/drug problem. Keep tabs on her and if she seems to be on something every time, call cps so they can do a visit. Reason being: what if you guys go out of town and the mom isn't able to handle her and the girl gets hurt or isn't fed or something?! That child could be in danger.

Oh, and it's not the kid's doing. . .you said her mom didn't even call to see if she was there or okay so she possibly doesn't even care. She is NEGLECTFUL!

Like 777_LDY, the only home my kids have stayed overnight is grandparents. . . even at 8 *ALL* of the moms I know will NOT let their kids stay at friend's homes, even those we all know very well.

 

[Girlrocks]

Thanks for the replies! I know that the girl is kind of deceitful and coniving, so it wouldn''t surprise me at all that she tells her mom that my daughters called her and asked her over, although, hello, did the phone ring at your house??? What really makes me mad is the mom is a SAHM of 2, this girl being the youngest, so home all day by herself with the kids in school. I''m more bothered that she doesn''t seem to want to spend any time with her daughter when she gets home from school or on the weekends. I mean, whatever chores or "work" she is doing should be done during the day so she can interact with her kids when they get home.

Oh, and when I say they have to play outside at her house, I mean, they are not allowed to go in her house even to use the bathroom, they come home to use the bathroom/get a snack or drink, and then go back over to their yard. VERY weird.

I have noticed through conversations with both of her kids, that they always seem to go to their friends houses rather than have anyone over their house, although their house is very nice and I have no idea why they don''t want anyone over. Maybe they are afraid the kids will mess up their house? Not sure. But the little girl goes to a few other friends houses to play (that is is I say no since we are the first call daily) and her son also goes over to friends to play rather than having friends over (I see him riding his bike to a few houses quite a lot).

Maybe the mom is just clueless. I mean, if "Susie" calls to have my daughter over for a playdate, I kind of keep that in the back of my mind and try to reciprocate and have her over for the next playdate, I try to keep things even.

Also, just on another note, I didn''t realize that some people think 8 is young for a sleepover at a friends house. What age/grade do most think is a good time to start? My daughters aren''t really ready for sleepovers yet either, they have only slept over at this neighbors house and another friend who they have known since they were 2 and is a family that we all get together with regularly, go on vacations together, etc. but they schoolmates, other friends, my nieces/nephews go to sleepovers regularly at the same age.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Personally *I* remember having sleep overs at 8. Maybe things are different now.

Sounds like the whole family might have problems. Sorry they are your neighbors.

 

[VegasAngel]

My daughter will probably wind up hating me but I will not allow her to sleep over at anyones house ever other than grandma.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Vegas, I am curious why? Even if you are friends with her parents?

 

[VegasAngel]

Too many horror stories of kids being molested at sleepovers.

 

[Sabine]

When I was younger, I had a friend who lived within walking range (whose brother was the same age as and friends with my brother) and we spent almost entire summers at their house. My parents were going through a lot (which eventually led to divorce) plus both my parents worked and her mom stayed at home. So whoever initiated play, we usually did end up at their house, and we slept over there a TON more than they did at our house. But I am pretty sure that the mom knew about our parental situation and OFFERED to my mom to keep an eye on us.

Yes, the situation you are in is unfair to you. But you need to think about what your priorities really are and what is best for your daughters. Do you really mind how much this girl is at your house, or does it just bother you that it is unfair? If you don''t like how much she is at your house, you should say something to her mother, her, and your daughters, but be aware that it probably won''t result in your daughters spending more time over there house, instead it will limit the time your daughters spend with this girl.

Otherwise, maybe just realizing that yes, it is unfair, but that maybe it''s unfair because your home is a more stable environment for all the kids involved to be spending time at will help you accept the situation if that''s what you want to do.

 

[phoenixgirl]

It does sound like something is amiss next door. You are right -- why would a SAHM be too busy ever to have other kids come over, and worse yet, to have her children spend time with her when they''re not at school? It''s obvious that she just doesn''t want to deal with them or their friends.

I can''t guess as to why . . . mental problems, health issues, problems in the marriage, addiction . . . there''s no way to know, but it''s got to be something.

This isn''t the most straightforward suggestion, but since it''s such a tricky situation I would probably just say no several more times until somebody else becomes #1 on the "Who will take daughter today?" list. If you confront the mom, it''s likely that you''ll just be removed completely from "the list" and the girls will suffer for it. But if you say no and send the girl home because of "conflicts" on your end enough times, mom (or girl) should get the idea that your house isn''t their day (night and weekend) care. Inevitably, that job will just fall to someone else. And then the girls can spend a more normal amount of time together because you won''t be the first ones they call.

 

[sunkist]

I think it is a good thing that if they are going to play with this neighbor girl at all that it is at your house. If the mother doesn''t even call to check on her child after a sleep over, this mother sounds very neglectful and I would not want my children to play over at her house at all! Even if they''re playing outside, no one is checking on them!

 

[asscherisme]

The first thing that came into my mind reading your post is pity for the little girl. She is not being properly watched and her mother does not seem to be aware of what she is doing.

It also makes me wonder if the mother is an alcoholic or depressed or some other mental issues. I don't know why but thats what popped into my head reading your post.

I have elementary age kids and a son in jr. high and I have ALWAYS told them that if they are the ones doing the calling, first check with me (and when they are little I would make the call and talk to the other mom) but If my kids were doing he inviting, we would invite the kids to my house. If someone was calling them and inviting them over, then it was fine to go to the other persons home.

I really drummed it into them and still do that is NOT OK to call someone and invite yourself over to play! There are times when I will call for a playdate or in the case of my Jr. High son he will call someone to hang out and while on the phone inviting them over, the other person will say, why don't you come here (usually since they were at my house last time). But thats different because even if I or my son initiated the call, they are still being asked over. To which I make sure its OK and they are not just being polite.

I can see your husband point about being annoyed.

I would (if you have not) try and look for signs of abuse or bruising or neglect. I feel really bad for the girl. Not only is she being "dumped" but she is not being taught proper social skills as well. She will have trouble learning boundries as she gets older because of what she is learning now from her mother.

But I totally would nto blame the 8 year old girl.

I can't imagine my child doing a sleep over at 8. Let alone a sleep over where she invited herself. Let alone a sleepover where I don't check on her??!!!! Thats not right.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 1/10/2009 12:10:15 PM
Author: VegasAngel
Too many horror stories of kids being molested at sleepovers.

I was never allowed to go on sleepovers either, or to sleep-away camp, for this very reason. My son is only 2 now, but I also don''t feel comfortable having him sleep over anyone else''s home except close relatives.

 

[vespergirl]

Maybe I''m jumping to conclusions, but I have a friend (my age - early 30s) who had a child when she was 18, and even though she financially provides for her, she has been at times a neglectful parent - the child in the situation you describe sounds like her daughter.

I met my friend when her daughter was 11, and we were both new to the city where we live. My friend grew up in foster homes, and had her child out of wedlock at 18. I do have a lot of respect for the fact that she paid her way through college while raising her daughter, and supported both of them and she owned the home where they lived. However, my friend was always dating new guys, and there was a revolving door or different boyfriends going in and out of her home. At this same time, she started to complain that her daughter was acting out, but was blaming it on adolescence. Every Fri. & Sat. night while she was out hitting the clubs, her daughter was sleeping over at friends houses - my friend was using her daughter''s friends'' parents as free babysitters - not cool. Anyway, now her daughter is 16, and is anorexic, a self-cutter, and has attempted suicide. It''s an incredibly sad situation. My friend has been in a stable relationship with her live-in boyfriend for about 3 years now, but I wonder if all those years of different men coming in & out of the house, and no contact with her biological father took a toll on this poor kid. I always felt a little uncomfortable with how much my friend dumped her daughter off at her friends'' homes, and I think that type of lackadaisical parenting can be just as damaging as stratight-up abuse.

 

[Bia]

When I was in college, I was a nanny and had this happen to me over the course of a few months. It began when my kid (just to clarify, when I say "my kid" I mean my charge) started first grade, as he met all the kids from the bus stop. Anyway, one of the kids at the bus stop was in my kid's class. After we learned that, I told him if he ever wanted to come over and play, he was welcome to, esp since he was a neighbor. That very same day, the neighbor called to come over--he must have found my kids number on the class list. Anyway, he started calling all the time to come over and play. I didn't mind because it encouraged my kid to play rather than want to just watch tv (he was the sweet and shy type that didn't have a lot of friends). At first, the neighbor would walk over, without his mother even calling me. So I took it upon myself to reach out to her. After explaining who I was to her, and that we knew her kid from the bus stop, she basically said, "sure, he can play there whenever he wants to!" I was surprised that she didn't want to come over and meet me, see where we lived, or even meet his parents. Initially I thought the neighbor lived a few houses away, but one day, after meeting my kid at the bus stop in my car, we drove away and saw that the neighbor was walking a few streets down. His house ended up being further than I thought. I was amazed that his parents let him (6 years old at the time) walk by himself. Granted, its a safe neighborhood, but still...he's six! So I called his mom and told him that I didn't realize he was walking so far and that we'd be happy to drop him off on days that he came over. I did this to indirectly let her know that we didn't feel comfortable with him not being supervised when he walked over. She said that would be great but made no mention of being sure that she, or one of his older siblings, walked him over from now on. So, I left it alone, but made sure that all the play dates took place at our place--and we would walk him home afterwards.

What a mistake. His mother took that as an opportunity to use me as her free babysitter! It got to a point where he was coming over every day. And even though my kid was never at this woman's house, it never occured to her that this arrangement might be odd. By this point she was dropping him off all the time, gave some excuse that she had to take her other kid to the doctor or whatever...She even did this to my kid's mom on a Saturday or Sunday a few times. Obviously we are too nice LOL. So one day, I had to stop. I told her that we couldn't have her kid at our house all the time. She turned a bit red but understood. I told her once, maybe twice a week, but that was it. After that, she stopped. She even began to offer to have my kid over or to take him out for ice cream with them...but my kid never wanted to LOL

You can't really blame the kids because they're kids. Even if they are pushy and aggressive (I've seen my fair share of those) its up to the parents to know what their kids are doing. This mother probably encourages her kid to call yours. Maybe she doesn't mean to be taking advantage, but regardless, she is. Sometimes that just human nature. Especially if she's a busy mom with a bunch of other kids (not sure what her situation is). She may not realize what she's doing (but thats unlikely). Either way, if its bothering you, just say "no."

 

[teapot]

As kids, my friends and I just wanted to play. We didn''t care where we played it was more fun to hang out than be at home. I think that is what your neighbor''s daughter is doing. Why she always comes to your house has something to do with her mother. It is quite strange that this girl comes over all of the time and her mother doesn''t seem to notice or be bothered by it. Maybe the mother is suffering from mental/physical illness or substance abuse issues. Since both of her children don''t seem to spend much time at home, I think that they are going to friends homes to take refuge. A little more investigation is needed. Your neighbor may be neglecting her children.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/13/2009 5:12:42 PM
Author: teapot
A little more investigation is needed. Your neighbor may be neglecting her children.

I agree! That''s what I mentioned above. Investigation is needed! Nobody wants to call on CPS, but really, if there is anything possibly going on a social worker needs to be the one to determine that NOT us here on the internet! DSHS does everything they can to keep families together, so calling them doesn''t mean the child will be taken out of the home, but rather the social worker will be sure that the mom learns better parenting skills! The situation will be evaluated and resolved.

 

[VegasAngel]

Date: 1/13/2009 1:20:27 PM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 1/10/2009 12:10:15 PM
Author: VegasAngel
Too many horror stories of kids being molested at sleepovers.

I was never allowed to go on sleepovers either, or to sleep-away camp, for this very reason. My son is only 2 now, but I also don''t feel comfortable having him sleep over anyone else''s home except close relatives.

I can remember doing only 2 sleepovers, I always wanted to go home

.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/14/2009 11:04:12 AM
Author: VegasAngel

Date: 1/13/2009 1:20:27 PM
Author: vespergirl


I was never allowed to go on sleepovers either, or to sleep-away camp, for this very reason. My son is only 2 now, but I also don't feel comfortable having him sleep over anyone else's home except close relatives.

I can remember doing only 2 sleepovers, I always wanted to go home

.

Around 10-12, I began sleeping over at friend's houses.

What is really weird was in Kindergarten my son (then 6) was invited to spend the night at a friend's house because it was the child's birthday. The mom put me on the spot asking me if my son could do so, and so I felt obligated to say yes, and did so. Later I told my DH and we agreed that my son was too young.

Well, I called the mom back and she told me she just asked because her son wanted to know, and she said she would NEVER had said yes! WTH? She puts me on the spot over an activity she wouldn't, herself, agree to???