Another in-law sticky situation

[cate]

My very well-meaning future mother-in-law gave me a very pretty piece of jewelry as a gift. The problem is it abstractly represents a different religion than mine. I know she didn''t think of it when she bought it, but I''ll never wear it. How can I return it to her without hurting her feelings?

 

[Lanie]

I wouldn''t return it. Send a thank you note and just leave it at that.

 

[neatfreak]

Don''t. If it''s abstract and not intentional know that she didn''t mean it. And if you can wear it around the house when she comes over. Otherwise just call it a day and send a note.

 

[dragonfly411]

I wouldn''t return it to her. Thank her for the gesture, and put it away. If you feel comfortable wear it around her for the thought, but otherwise just leave it be. She didn''t mean anything by it and it won''t do harm just sitting in the house.

 

[D&T]

Date: 9/21/2009 12:39:03 PM
Author: dragonfly411
I wouldn''t return it to her. Thank her for the gesture, and put it away. If you feel comfortable wear it around her for the thought, but otherwise just leave it be. She didn''t mean anything by it and it won''t do harm just sitting in the house.

agree.

my MIL would buy me jewelry and purses (not my style at all) but I only bring it out very rarely and only when she is around once or twice.

 

[somethingshiny]

I may be in the minority, but if it actually offends you, I''d return it to her. If my MIL presented me (intentionally or not) with something that offended me, she''d want to know. Additionally, since we''re the same religion, I''d point it out to her so she was aware in case she had gotten something similar for herself.

If it''s something that doesn''t offend you, then drop a thank-you and call it a day.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/21/2009 12:30:51 PM
Author: neatfreak
Don''t. If it''s abstract and not intentional know that she didn''t mean it. And if you can wear it around the house when she comes over. Otherwise just call it a day and send a note.

Ditto. MIL/DIL relationships are tricky and it''s best not to hurt her feelings. If you think it was intentional, that''s another story, but if it wasn''t I''d keep it and wear it around her every now and then.

 

[Novel]

I think this could be part of a different issue. I don''t know, but from the way you phrased it it sounds like you might be a different religion than she is. This is my situation with my boyfriend''s parents and I know I basically had to have a (very delicate) conversation with his mom about this. I think it could be a great opener. You know, that you care about her and don''t want to offend her but you want her to understand how this is different from you. Its not about style here, I think.

As for the return, I think whether to do it or not comes after a conversation, you know?

 

[cate]

Wow, this is so interesting. All my friends and my FI say I should return it to her and explain why. She's such a nice lady and did not mean anything by it. Probably didn't even realize it. I'm not offended by it, but I would feel weird wearing it. Did I mention it's very large? LOL But it's really pretty for what it is.

And yes, we are different religions. I don't want to offend her religion.

 

[Novel]

I can understand where you''re coming from. But is it offensive to show her what is different about you or how this doesn''t apply to you? My bf''s mom is forever not realizing something is her religion, when to me its so plain as day. My first Christmas with the family, she got me a Jewish star tree ornament... though, to be honest, I let that one go, so I can understand why you would too, if you do.

If you feel like she can learn from it and it will make your relationship better or be a good thing between you, why not talk to her about it?

 

[cate]

Jewish star tree ornament? How strange! LOL You have a good point. I don''t want her to buy me more jewelry along these lines. I just don''t know what to do! Everyone here has a good point! I might have to toss a coin!

 

[Novel]

Yeah, the ornament was pretty funny

. I couldn''t get over it, actually. I used to pull it out for bf at intervals because it was emblematic of the disconnect... Which makes me think that if its not part of a bigger issue or if you''re not concerned about her not getting the different religion thing, then maybe its not an issue.

I can see how this could end in a coin toss! Have you talked to your FI about it?

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/21/2009 2:02:25 PM
Author: cate
Wow, this is so interesting. All my friends and my FI say I should return it to her and explain why. She's such a nice lady and did not mean anything by it. Probably didn't even realize it. I'm not offended by it, but I would feel weird wearing it. Did I mention it's very large? LOL But it's really pretty for what it is.

And yes, we are different religions. I don't want to offend her religion.

Why doesn't your fiance let her know? That might be the best bet. I think it's less touchy when it's coming from her son than from you.

ETA the Jewish star tree ornament is kind of hilarious! I mean come on!

 

[Novel]

Ack, just realized from thing2of2''s response that you did talk to him. Got it! Its a good idea though, him talking to her about it.

Yeah, the ornament. Oy!

 

[packrat]

That is a toughie! If it''s pretty abstract, and she didn''t do it on purpose, I''d be tempted to just wear it around her once or twice and then put it away.

However, I will say, in some religions, even having something in your possession symbolizing certain things of other religions, as well intentioned as it may be, is a no no. If I was a practicing part of a religion, I would feel very uncomfortable having something symbolizing a faith I didn''t believe in. As it is, I''m not a practicing anything, and certain things make me uncomfortable anyway.

Thing2 had a good idea of letting your bf talk to her.

 

[Haven]

This is a tough one. I don't think there is a polite way to return a gift that was given with good intentions. If being in possession of this jewelry doesn't offend you, and if doesn't go against any religious rules for you to own it, I would send a thank you note and call it a day.

ETA: The Jewish star Christmas tree ornament is just . . . confusing!

That reminds me of a story. My former employer (a public high school) used to give us a small token gift right before winter break every year. My first year it was a mini Christmas snow globe with a tree and santa in it, my second year it was an ornament, and last year it was a little Santa figurine. I always accepted the little gift when they were given out, and then I gave it to a colleague of mine who has two kids so each of her kids could have one. Well, one year another colleague saw me giving the ornament to my friend and asked why I didn't want it. I explained that I was Jewish and she said "Well that's okay! You can still put a Santa ornament in your Christmas tree!" Ummm . . .
Anyway, sorry for the threadjack.

 

[swimmer]

Hmmm, well intention and expression are both key here. If your MIL was being passive and hoping that you would wear her religion''s sign and it is not your own, that is one thing I would discuss. But if she inadvertently purchased you a Ganesha charm or a crescent moon and you and she are neither Hindu or Muslim, well, then eh, why not branch out and be multicultural. Then again, if it is just plain old ugly...well it is against all ps members'' beliefs to wear something ugly. In thanking her, (or sometime before the winter solstice holidays) you could mention that you prefer small, delicate, (non-denominational) pieces?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 9/21/2009 1:17:26 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I may be in the minority, but if it actually offends you, I''d return it to her. If my MIL presented me (intentionally or not) with something that offended me, she''d want to know. Additionally, since we''re the same religion, I''d point it out to her so she was aware in case she had gotten something similar for herself.

If it''s something that doesn''t offend you, then drop a thank-you and call it a day.

+1. Since you are a different religion than she is I think this would be a good opener to explain why you are unable to accept her gift.

 

[cate]

It doesn''t offend me at all, because I don''t believe she has a hidden agenda. I accept all religions. It''s just that a Jewish girl wearing a giant cross would be uncomfortable, for lack of a better word.

I think I need to discuss all of your great ideas with my FI to see what he thinks.

 

[Bia]

I''d send her a thank you note and then call her explaining how thoughtful the gift was, and that it really is lovely, but you hope she won''t be offended if you decide not to wear it as you''re Jewish and do not feel comfortable wearing a cross around your neck.

 

[Novel]

Date: 9/21/2009 4:04:32 PM
Author: cate
It''s just that a Jewish girl wearing a giant cross would be uncomfortable, for lack of a better word.

LOL. I''m sorry, am I living your life? Do you have a Jewish star ornament hidden away somewhere, too?

 

[cate]

No, but I wish I did! That''s just weird enough to be cool! LOL

 

[packrat]

Date: 9/21/2009 4:22:08 PM
Author: Novel

Date: 9/21/2009 4:04:32 PM

Author: cate

It''s just that a Jewish girl wearing a giant cross would be uncomfortable, for lack of a better word.

LOL. I''m sorry, am I living your life? Do you have a Jewish star ornament hidden away somewhere, too?

This made me laugh out loud!

 

[Novel]

Date: 9/21/2009 4:33:14 PM
Author: cate
No, but I wish I did! That''s just weird enough to be cool! LOL

Either weird enough to be cool or weird enough to scare the daylights out of my nice Jewish camp survivor grandmother

. I prefer to go with you on this!

 

[crown1]

Date: 9/21/2009 4:04:32 PM
Author: cate
It doesn''t offend me at all, because I don''t believe she has a hidden agenda. I accept all religions. It''s just that a Jewish girl wearing a giant cross would be uncomfortable, for lack of a better word.


I think I need to discuss all of your great ideas with my FI to see what he thinks.

you have the right idea. tell her what you wrote above.

 

[D&T]

Date: 9/21/2009 2:27:06 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 9/21/2009 2:02:25 PM
Author: cate
Wow, this is so interesting. All my friends and my FI say I should return it to her and explain why. She's such a nice lady and did not mean anything by it. Probably didn't even realize it. I'm not offended by it, but I would feel weird wearing it. Did I mention it's very large? LOL But it's really pretty for what it is.

And yes, we are different religions. I don't want to offend her religion.

Why doesn't your fiance let her know? That might be the best bet. I think it's less touchy when it's coming from her son than from you.

ETA the Jewish star tree ornament is kind of hilarious! I mean come on!

ok- having read that its quite large maybe best to let her son chat with her instead.

 

[Kaleigh]

Well I have a different view. I have been married for 23 years. My thing about having your DH talking about it is not the way to go. That''s triangulating....

You should tell her, it was so very thoughtful. That you appreciate the thought and gesture. But that you are of a different religion and you simply can''t wear it..
Ask her if you can exchange it for the symbol of your faith??

I think if you don''t do this and she comes to visit , she will wonder why you aren''t wearing it. Anyone that gives a gift, wants the person to be able to use it...


I think if you approach it in this manner, she will understand. I know I would. And I would have more respect for you for telling me gently....

I am getting closer to being a MIL..give or take a few years...

Honesty from you, is all that is needed.. Coming from a place of love, and understanding.

You will get the same back and then some. Trust me.....

 

[VRBeauty]

It wasn't all that long ago that crosses were all the rage as fashion statements, with no apparent religious connotation for many of the people who wore them. If the piece she gave you is very large, perhaps she expected that you would view it as an accessory rather than as a symbol.

But... that doesn't change the fact that you see it as a religious symbol. Perhaps you could approach the subject with her in that way -- let her know that you can't help but see it as a religious symbol rather than an ornament, and that therefore you can't wear is out of respect for your religion and hers.

BTW a lot of Christians see Santa Claus as a symbol of the secular aspects of the holiday, despite the "Saint Nicholas" origins.

 

[cate]

Wow, thank you for all of your great responses. This thread has become very interesting. So many different viewpoints!

Kaleigh...good point. My dad expressed the same opinion.

VRBeauty...I remember way back in the 1980s I wore crosses as fashion. One day, my mom (who was not religious) saw me wearing a rosary around my neck and told me that she felt it was very disrespectful for me to wear crosses for fun. She had a good point and I stopped wearing them.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Here comes another different opinion: I would wear it. Someone once gave a Star of David pendant to a co-worker of mine who is Catholic. She wore the pendant every day and loved it because it was a gift from a dear friend of hers.