Annoyed/Mad/Sad

[Autumnovember]

LuckyNumber--

He was sad, and I knew it because he didn''t say anything. Well...I''ve BEEN sad so while I feel bad that I told him that, at the same time I sort of don''t.

And he definitely does not have any good male role models around. Sadly.

 

[HVVS]

I missed that he's 36. Fear of divorce sounds like a lie to me. I've married, divorced, lost money, still haven't found a new mate, and I am still NOT the least bit afraid of divorce. I (female) would, however, be reluctant to marry a man with no assets, and I would not marry any man that I had to support, because I have already done that and I've had enough of men with no money.

I was age 36 when I married, for the first time. I think what he really has is fear of commitment, or else he doesn't want to follow through now, and this is just a way to keep the OP on the hook. If he suddenly has a fear of becoming a Daddy and having to grow up and do family life, well, then he needs to hop out of bed and remain celibate. At age 36, a man is certainly mature enough to know what he does or does not want to do. If you want to protect assets, a prenup does that pretty well. If he doesn't want to marry a non-working woman that he has to support, well, then you and he must either split up or delay marriage until nursing school is done.

Honestly, you young women, youth is on your side. You may love the guy, but if you're not getting what YOU want per your timetable, walk. When a man wants to marry, he just does it. If he has to take too much time to think about it, it's a bad sign. Don't take yourself out of the dating scene until you are marrying (engaged and making definite wedding plans.)

 

[Natylad]

And by the way...There''s a lot of talk about a ring that supposedly is in his possession for more than seven months now...Uhh...Have you actually seen it? The reason i''m asking is because a dear friend of mine was in a similar situation and she was telling me for months that he has the ring, that he''s keeping it in the safe at his parents'' house and he''s waiting for the right moment, etc, etc...He was even playing games with her, throwing hints on the specs and details of the ring every now and then...And then, one night she was feeling so extremely frustrated that she got into a huge fight with him and he finally admitted that he didn''t even have the ring and he just said that he had it in order to buy time until he figured out what to do...

After all those years, i still hate him for doing this to her...And i''m so sorry AutumnNovember if i am upsetting you, but i just felt that i should share this experience with you, because i really feel for you and it breaks my heart to see how much you hurt

Make sure that he''s telling the truth...at least about the ring issue...

 

[HVVS]

^^ That, too. Or, he could have bought it, had second thoughts, and sold it back. I see guys do stuff like this all the time. Age 36 is thoroughly empowered to walk down the aisle anytime he wants to.

 

[Autumnovember]

Yes, I was there when the deposit was put down on it, when the diamond was bought, when it came back from tacori, and when we put it in the bank. Oh, and I saw it last week. So YES, there is a ring.


None of us really know what he is thinking except for him. So we can all speculate, just as I am but in all reality the truth lies within himself. It is easier for me to make assumptions because I have known him for a long time. I know his fears, I know his issues with communication, I know him in and out. When we first met and became friends, he told me he was never getting married. I think he has progressed significantly.

 

[Autumnovember]

You guys aren''t making me sad, don''t worry

Trust me, I know that at 36 he should be walking down the aisle and should probably have children right now. This is not your typical guy here. Some more background info again- He is 36. For a solid 7 years he has been focused on his career and getting to the top. He finally got to where he wanted to be career wise, and then we met. He was 33 at the time. Marriage wasn''t even something he was thinking about, in fact he told me he would never get married because hes so used to being a loner (aside from his six brothers, he has ONE good friend). I feel like each day I learn something new about his mom. If I could sit here and write a novel about her, I would. What I will say is that her behavior and antics have been extremely detrimental to each and every child. I can see it in each and every one of them (there are 8 total) and it is extremely sad. My boyfriend is a good man, with a big heart. He definitely has issues, there is no doubt about that. He has no problem supporting me however he is able to until I finish nursing school (paying my car bill every month, my car insurance, credit card bill) and I''ll forever be grateful for that.

 

[RaiKai]

I can appreciate that his family experiences may have a profound impact on him.

Families can f*** us up. Period. Even the most wonderful of parents are still *human* and can do this!

As a child, it is hard to break out of this and to find ways to identify ourselves apart from that.

At 36, the opportunities to do so are endless. It just requires taking some self-responsibility and starting the process of counseling or therapy or whatever is needed.

I don't think at 36 he SHOULD be married or he SHOULD have kids. I don't believe in living my life according to what SHOULD be done and I think a lot of people who do worry too much about what SHOULD be can get quite stressed and unhappy. But, I do believe at 36 he needs to be able to be honest with you and take responsibility for his actions and be more self-aware of his actions. That means not buying a ring before he is ready to actually be married and is still thinking about it, that means taking some time to explore his feelings (with a therapist), and so on.

At the end of the day maybe he will decide that marriage is NOT for him, ever. And, that would be OKAY for him. For some people, marriage (or kids and so on) is not for them. Hopefully they realize this BEFORE they make those choices, but not everyone does and in those cases it can have some painful consequences to those in their lives. But if that is the case he needs to be honest with you and stop leading you in this uncertain dance you are both in.

 

[Autumnovember]

RaiKai...you are right in every aspect. I think a therapist is a good idea. I just wish he didn''t work 14 hour days and get home at 1 AM every night (yes, 1 AM...sometimes I even come along with him to work...total misery) because it would be a lot more likely that he would go. This is something I have to be careful bringing up to him because I feel like although him and all his brothers put on this tough guy image, they are all so very very fragile. I actually think they all need some sort of counseling. I''ll have to think about how I can bring this up to him. During our conversation yesterday he told me that I was out of my mind for thinking he didn''t want to marry me (doesn''t really reassure me but whatever) and that I need to be patient and he thinks about having kids everyday (whatever this means).

 

[slg47]

Autumnovember...that must be so frustrating!

also (not to be mean, obviously I don''t know the whole situation), it seems like you really don''t like his mom?? that might be a problem...

also maybe he is scared of commitment? have you told him how you feel? like...sit down and really have a conversation? it seems really weird to have the ring for so long...it''s not just you thinking that...

anyway i hope you two work things out and can be happy together that''s what''s important

and congratulations on your graduation

 

[Autumnovember]

I don''t like his mom at all. Who would like a woman who caused your S/O as much pain as she has? Not only that but she has caused a lot of turmoil in our relationship in the past and has done the same to his other brothers and their girlfriends. She still cannot get a grip that the oldest brother is getting married, and continues to tell him there are other "fish" in the sea for him.

This is not even the beginning of some of the things she has done.

I stopped going to his parents house with him. I have not seen them in over 6 months and everything has been fine and she has not bothered him about our relationship.

His mom is not the issue in our relationship anymore. I am marrying HIM, not his mom. Some say when you marry someone, you marry the family. I could not disagree more.

 

[luckynumber]

Some say when you marry someone, you marry the family.

Yes, you do to some extent.

You would be foolish to think that his mother will be be a significant and constant source of grief for you in future.

 

[Autumnovember]

Wait, what? I would be foolish to think that SHE WILL BE or WONT be a constant source of grief?

She has ruined many of his brothers relationships before..

We''re handling her the way that suits us best.

 

[Autumnovember]

The older brother who is getting married in one month has also cut her out of his life a significant amount, we''re doing the same. She is no longer a problem for them. Another brother has cut her out completely.

 

[luckynumber]

oh yeah sorry, foolish to think she wont be.

unless he doesn''t like her at all and you''re cutting her out completely, she will continue to interfere!

 

[Autumnovember]

He doesn't like her.

I should add, we're moving an hour and a half away and we'll no longer be only 2 minutes away from her. She isn't the type to travel

 

[luckynumber]

i''m sorry, this situation just sounds so so sad.

your man seems to have a lot of issues, and therapy sounds like a really good idea.

and not having a great mother or mother-in-law is also very sad.

i just feel really bad for you. i don''t really understand why he hasn''t proposed yet. it just sounds like he''s not ready at all.

wah!

 

[Autumnovember]

I don't think its sad. I've just laid out all the negatives, I obviously did not post about any positive aspects about our relationship. If I did choose to do that, I don't think you would still feel the same way.

This is life, and although it is sad that he doesn't have a normal mom and I won't ever have the kind of in-laws I've always wanted...I'm OK with that. I have an incredible family with the best parents and a great sister with two beautiful nephews, who my boyfriend really loves. Thats enough for me and for him.

I don't expect our life together to be perfect by any means whatsoever. I know way too many people who do not have any contact with their in-laws...again, it is sad but unfortunately very true for many people in modern day society.

PLEASE, do not feel bad for me.

I love my boyfriend and the positives of our relationship by far outweigh the negatives

 

[luckynumber]

yay for your great family!

post some nice things about your BF, he''s being shown very negatively in this light!

what makes him a great guy?

hey, i always feel a bit bad for LIWs who have been waiting SOOOOO long when the ring is already there.

wish i could reach in the screen and knock some sense into the boy''s head!

 

[16ocean]

Autumnovember- First of all CONGRATS on graduating -yea- -yea- -yea- and magna cum laude not to shabby!

I can totally understand your frustration and after the car analogy I would have hoped your BF could understand it a bit better as well. . .

Because after to much time the concept of waiting for the “surprise” gets old. Even if you were to know the EXACT day your man will purpose the actual proposal is a surprise. You don’t know when during the day don’t know how.

If you have to wait too long it can easily become less of a "yes, yes love" and more of a "yes. yes. yes. “F**KING finally love".

August feels file forever but it will be here sooner than we think. In the mean time YOU are on the right track. Getting your masters in nursing is a wonderful career move that you can take with you wherever YOU choose to go.

 

[blacksand]

Date: 5/19/2010 7:57:10 PM
Author: Autumnovember
I don''t think its sad. I''ve just laid out all the negatives, I obviously did not post about any positive aspects about our relationship. If I did choose to do that, I don''t think you would still feel the same way.

I can''t tell you how many times I said that exact same thing about my ex to friends and relatives who were trying to convince me that I was in a bad situation. I would use those exact words. Turns out I was trying to convince myself as much as I was them. I was in a bad situation, I did deserve better, and I was refusing to see it. This doesn''t mean your situation is the same, obviously. But I have to tell you, reading those words gave me a chill.

Anyway, I''m glad you have a great, supportive family. I hope you and your SO get to be on the same page soon and find what makes you both happy.

 

[Autumnovember]

Thanks for the concerns guys.

I've had my share of relationships and I know when a relationship is bad and I shouldn't be in it. I've had many of those unfortunately.

However, I'm not really willing to end my relationship because my boyfriends mother is psychotic and he hasn't yet proposed. Yes, my boyfriend has issues that lie outside of our relationship but I'd never leave someone because of that. I have my share of problems as well, I am not perfect...and neither is he.

I was expressing my frustration with the situation.

As much as I'd love love love to post all the reasons why we have a good relationship, I just don't feel like it is necessary to have to prove why we have a good relationship to virtually a bunch of strangers. I know in my heart, what kind of person he is and if he is good for me and he knows what kind of person he is too. I have too much self respect and past experience to stay with someone who is not good for me.

That being said, thank you all for the advice and input, I'll definitely be taking it into consideration.

I am starting to not feel so good about posting this at all, as I should probably be getting advice from people who actually know us as people. Not only that, but now I'm getting advice as to whether or not I should even be in a relationship or not, advice about his mom and what effect she'll have on our relationship. This is advice I did NOT ask for.

I vented about being frustrated about this current situation and thats really all I was looking to get advice on.

 

[blacksand]

Okay...well I can only speak for myself, but I wasn''t advising you to leave him, and I made a point of saying that your experience may well differ from mine. I''m not questioning your judgment, only sharing my own experience, which is all I can really do. If you are happy and secure in your relationship, I am happy for you. Genuinely. But a few posts ago, it didn''t sound as though you were, which is what sparked my concern. Anyway, I will stop being concerned and again wish you the best, and hope for a quick engagement and happy marriage for both of you.

 

[Autumnovember]

I'm not content with my current situation, but I am content with our overall relationship. I never ever said we had a poor relationship or anything of that sort. This situation is an unfortunate one and I do wish it did not happen the way it did, which is why I came for some advice. The background info I gave about him was to serve as possible reasoning as to why he was holding off, not as anything regarding our general relationship.

I do appreciate the advice, but I thought the experience you shared was inadvertently trying to tell me I was in the same boat.

I'm not. I'm a smart person, with standards and self respect.

I do love my boyfriend and as I stated before when August comes around and there is still no proposal, I will be making a serious decision.

Again, thank you to all for advice and input even if I don't agree or any additional input from anyone else that is yet to come.

 

[blacksand]

Understood. I wasn''t meaning to say that you are in the same boat as I was (although I also rather fancy myself a smart person with standards and self respect ). I was reacting to what information I had from what you posted. There''s obviously a whole lot more than what little we know about you and him, and I''d never presume to understand everything you''re going through or to offer any solutions to your situation. My sincere apologies if I offended. As for your current unhappy situation of waiting, I hope it will be over soon so you can get back to enjoying a happy life together.

 

[Autumnovember]

No worries, all is well. Thank you for the well wishes and again thank you for your advice.

When I say I''m smart and have self respect, I''m talking about right now. Back when I was in my toxic relationship I can''t say that I had as much self respect as I do now or as much wisdom. Do you think you''re now more knowledgeable then you were then? I think we both had learning experiences from those relationship thus we = wiser now. We probably wouldn''t allow ourselves to be in that kind of relationship which to me = more self respect then before.

 

[Autumnovember]

P.S. Blacksand, I love your ring...purple is my favorite color. What kind of stone is that?

 

[blacksand]

Preface: this has no bearing on your situation and is just me blabbing on and on and on in answer to your question. I apologize in advance! Sometimes I get carried away.

I do feel wiser than I was back then, but it took me many, many toxic relationships before I figured out what a good relationship was. You''d think I would have learned something the first time, but nope. Not me. I got stuck in a pattern of seeking out emotionally unavailable guys (I called them "highly intelligent" and "a little socially awkward" or "with troubled family histories"). I dated lots of them. I may have dated all of them. Ok, I''m exaggerating. I didn''t date that many guys. I had a few long-term relationships. Still, it feels a little ridiculous now when I think how I allowed myself to do the same stupid thing more than once without learning my lesson. And I consider myself a pretty smart person. Oh, well. I finally wised up and just didn''t date anyone for about two years. I decided I would never find the right guy, which, dramatic as it sounds, was exactly what I needed, because it taught me to stop looking for a man and start working on creating a happy life for myself, man or no man. I went out with my current boyfriend on a whim, expecting nothing but a few drinks, and WOW. Suddenly I understood what it felt like to be with someone who valued me and wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. Honestly, it happened by accident. I''d love to think I became this brilliant person as a result of my troubled past relationships and therefore made an intelligent choice of a partner who was actually good for me. But that''s not really true. I didn''t learn as much as I should have from my past, and I discovered what a good relationship really was by accident, when I least expected it. Would I ever get back into a toxic relationship now? Well, no. But that''s because I''m not leaving my boyfriend.

Okay, sorry for all that. Back to business: the ring is an amethyst. It was my grandmother''s, before she died. I love it, but I don''t wear it, because the stone is too big for my liking. I''d like to get it made into a pendant, and my smaller amethyst pendant, which was a gift from my grandmother, made into a ring. Thanks!

 

[Autumnovember]

I can definitely agree on a lot of parts of your post. Everyone''s paths and journeys are different thus leading them to different places and having different learning experiences.

Luckily, it took one very very toxic relationship for me to fully understand what I did and did not want in a relationship.

Thanks to the current SO, I doubt I would have been able to get myself out of that deep dark hole I was in with the ex boyfriend.


A pendant in that would be really pretty

 

[VikingP77]

Oh honey this situation is terrible! My boyfriend is 37 and similar career wise although he has slowed down now. I mean I look at him sometimes and I think why don''t you already have a wife and kids yet? My dad had me when he was 27 plus 3 more kids by the time he was my boyfriends age. I don''t get the whole scared of divorce thing either...what a load of BS! Neither of our parents are divorced. I''m 32 and we''ve been dating 14 months now and he keeps saying I am the one but he is waiting for the right time? WTF?! The right time is now!!!!!!
I think you mentioned something earlier in your posts about some car of his. What if he found the car of his dreams and it was a great deal and he was able to buy it easily? Well he would jump all over that!!! Why isn''t it the same for a dream woman like yourself?
Diamond dust all over you and keep us posted.

 

[Autumnovember]

Viking will do and I agree the right moment is NOW

I plan on making the "engagement chicken" soon ....