Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[niccia]

Long story short...I moved across the country to be with my fiance last May. I came back to my own province in October because I work for a company out here, and decided to spend 6 months back in the office. Next year, however, I am (or was ) planning to move back permanently to live there with him. His business is a lot less flexible than mine. I hate where he lives compared to my province, and I am very far away from my own family (including my much older parents), but I decided to make that sacrifice for our relationship. This is also the second time around for us, as he ended our relationship in 2005 to pursue his career. I moved home after that and we didn''t speak for two years until we got back together again in 2007. Anyway, as we are apart for 6 months, we decided to spend Christmas and New Years in my province with my family (I have a sister and nieces and nephews visiting that I want him to meet). That was all fine until tonight when he suddenly decided that he will come out but is going home for new years and I can come back with him if I want to. He doesn''t think it''s fair that he has to miss more work than me over the holidays (we are both pretty busy). I don''t want to go back there, as I only just left a couple months ago, and I have already made plans for the holidays. One of his presents was a weekend away skiing which in my anger I have already cancelled and lost my deposit on.

He seems to think it is fine to spend another new years apart (we have only ever spent one together in 6 years - and that was spent at his buddys). He either doesn''t realize or doesn''t care that this hurts me, especially as he has led me to believe that we would have the whole holiday together up until tonight. I told him to not bother coming at all now, and I am pretty much ready to go to Vegas with my gfs, as I don''t plan on spending another new years upset over him. Would this upset you girls too?
Thank you

 

[iheartscience]

I''d definitely be upset. And I also don''t know if I could move across the country for a guy who wouldn''t do the same for me. If you hate where he lives, it''s far away from your family, and you don''t seem to be a priority of his, why move across the country to be with him?

 

[bee*]

ditto thing. I would definitely be upset that he made plans with you and has now cancelled them. It''s very unfair. If he doesn''t have your wellbeing in his priority, I would be weary about moving to somewhere you hate, away from family. It would be one thing if he wanted to spend part of the holiday with his family, but if the reason that he wants to go back is for work, then that''s not ok in my book. Go and enjoy your New Years with your gfs.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/29/2008 5:23:07 AM
Author: bee*
ditto thing. I would definitely be upset that he made plans with you and has now cancelled them. It''s very unfair. If he doesn''t have your wellbeing in his priority, I would be weary about moving to somewhere you hate, away from family. It would be one thing if he wanted to spend part of the holiday with his family, but if the reason that he wants to go back is for work, then that''s not ok in my book. Go and enjoy your New Years with your gfs.

DITTO. Bee has very sound advice here.

 

[movie zombie]

now is time to rethink the relationship: this is the 2nd time around, his career comes first but yours is not supposed to, he doesn''t keep is word and/or commitment re this holiday visit. things will not get better after you move to his province permanently nor will they get better after you''re married. go have fun with the girlfriends. you''re a career woman and with this man you will always have to take the back seat personally and with your career as well. if you continue the relationship and marry, you know what you settled for............

sorry to be so harsh and at the holiday season at that. this guy is what he is. nothing wrong with that. and there is nothing wrong with you wanting a career and a relationship in which you can count on your other half.

movie zombie

 

[niccia]

Thanks ladies ... I plan to show him this thread, as he says I am being controlling and he wants to enjoy his holidays too. He works really hard, so I want him to enjoy his time off , but up until now we have been looking forward to him coming out here (or so I thought), and a lot of the things I planned for us were for his enjoyment while he is out here ( I know he doesn''t want to spend his entire trip with my family obviously). Work has always been his main priority, and I feel like it still is even though that is one of the things he said he would change when we got back together. I am very focused on work too, so I understand to a point, but you just don''t break plans this close to Christmas out of the blue, and it makes absolutely no sense to try and spend a short period of time in two provinces on either end of the country. I don''t think it''s that he doesn''t want to get married, as he wants me to come back for new years with him, but he is already somewhat mad at me for leaving him to come back here for 6 months and I think this is his way of try to put his foot down or something. I just don''t feel like I am asking for too much, considering that I have agreed to move my whole life out there next year to be with him, and that me and my family have been looking so forward to this time together (and obv we all want him there too). I don''t want him coming for Christmas at all if he plans on leaving so quickly again, as I will just be upset about that the whole time. The last new years we were together before we broke up, he broke up with me for three weeks right beforehand, so I spent it alone, and last year we were together again but he had to leave me to go back for meetings (which I was ok with because he absolutely couldn''t get out of them), but this year it''s his own choosing, and the whole "I want you to come with me, but if you don''t I''m going anyway" thing doesn''t sit well with me.
Anyway, thanks again for all your input . It helps to know I am not alone in feeling like this is not very fair of him

 

[niccia]

"I''d definitely be upset. And I also don''t know if I could move across the country for a guy who wouldn''t do the same for me. If you hate where he lives, it''s far away from your family, and you don''t seem to be a priority of his, why move across the country to be with him? "

I guess I don''t exactly "hate" it, but I wouldn''t be moving there for any other reason apart from him. I love his family, but I miss mine when I am there. He is in construction so I understand he can''t really move his business, and having him take a 9-5 out here wouldn''t be the best choice for us later on, nor would he be happy. I can take my work with me, so for those reasons plus the fact that I love him and want to make the relationship work this time around I have chosen to make the sacrifice and move. I understand his career has to be a priority in his life because of the time it demands from him, and I drive him a little nuts with my career at times too, but I agree that the relationship has to come first for both of us no matter what.

 

[cara]

Ya know, I wouldn''t show his this thread. What really matters is not what peanuts on the internet think (whom he might see as inclined to support the original poster who gets to tell her story without his side) - it is that you are upset by his actions and feel mistreated, he is not hearing you, and you are both "keeping score" of things.

This is no way to go about a relationship. There will be many, many times when things will not be "fair," and what is fair is determined a bit by what you look at (he wants to just look at days of work missed over the holiday, you want to include your sacrifice of moving far away.) But if you both have each other''s back, and try your darnedest to make sure the other person''s needs are met, as well as your own, then you two have a better chance. I don''t see him thinking this way, and then you are forced to overreact almost in order to get his attention by telling him not to come to visit at all.

I would try again to explain how upset you are by his change of holiday plans, how unseemly it is to be trying to rigidly equalize things like days off, and how you feel like you are planning to give up a lot to move to his province again and were hoping that he would be willing to spend and ENJOY a longer holiday in your home province. Not because of tit-for-tat, but because it would make you happy and its what people do for their partners.

And yes work is important but that does seem not to be his argument (ie, he is not saying that I absolutely have to be back for work on X day.) He is rather arguing that you and he should miss equal amounts of work on principle. This is stupid! (But you should also try to talk to him and resolve amicably before you book the trip to Vegas or cancel any more ski weekends he gives you

- unless you are really done with him!)

 

[niccia]

I appreciate your post Cara, and it makes a lot of sense.

I probably am overreacting by telling him not to come period, but I would just rather avoid the whole "him leaving me again" thing over the holidays. I feel like it would be easier not to see him at all, then to have to watch him end our holiday a week earlier than he has to because he prefers to spend it at home with him own friends. Maybe I am being a little stubborn too because I feel like that is how he is behaving, and I don''t want to be the one to give in because I don''t think what I am asking for is too much.
Oh and just to clarify, the ski weekend I cancelled was supposed to be a gift from me to him, but now he is saying he won''t be here for it anyway. I am not saying I am done with him, but it was supposed to be a surprise for him, and I ended up having to tell him about it (which made no difference anyway), so I cancelled it.

 

[HollyS]

Hmmm. Where''s the compromise? I''m not talking about you; I''m talking about him.

It''s time to ask some very serious questions . . . .of yourself, and of him.

And yes, I would be annoyed, to say the least.

 

[Dreamer_D]

He isn''t going to change when you are married. This means his needs will probably always take precedence over yours and if you plan to have kids, that will really get old fast. I''d think about whether or not I really want to be with a man like this before thinking about anything else.

 

[niccia]

Well, i talked to his dad today, and I told him I wouldn''t be moving back period if his son didn''t spend this new years with me. His dad and I are really close, so he offered to look after the business for him for a couple days so that he can stay longer. We ended up compromising - he''s coming two days later than planned but at least he will be able to stay till after new years now. I am happy with that, except as part of the deal I agreed to spend my 30th birthday snowmobiling with him

Thanks again, I really appreciate all the input.

 

[movie zombie]

a compromise is your 30th birthday you do something he likes to do?! i don''t call that a compromise......but if you do, well,, then ok.

movie zombie

 

[niccia]

The snowmobile was my engagement present to him, and he just bought me a suit and helmet etc as one of my Christmas presents. I''m not going to lie...although, I have never been on a snowmobile, I don''t think it will become one of my favorite activities. Having said that, though, he loves it so I am going to try it out and try and enjoy it too for his sake. He wants to take me by snowmobile to some ski lodge for my birthday...it''s probably not what I would have picked for myself, but he is excited about his plans for my day and I am sure he will make it fun for me too.
Don''t worry Movie Zombie, I won''t let him off the hook too easily!

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 11/30/2008 10:13:45 PM
Author: niccia
The snowmobile was my engagement present to him, and he just bought me a suit and helmet etc as one of my Christmas presents. I''m not going to lie...although, I have never been on a snowmobile, I don''t think it will become one of my favorite activities. Having said that, though, he loves it so I am going to try it out and try and enjoy it too for his sake. He wants to take me by snowmobile to some ski lodge for my birthday...it''s probably not what I would have picked for myself, but he is excited about his plans for my day and I am sure he will make it fun for me too.
Don''t worry Movie Zombie, I won''t let him off the hook too easily!

actually, that sounds a bit romantic! whisking you away in his favorite chariot!

movie zombie

 

[cbs102]

I moved for my fiance as well. i left my family, friends, job, and everything that i knew and held dear to be with him in another state. i was so so fearful when i originally moved about holidays and how that would work. we spoke about it..for hours and hours. and i basically made him understand that everything that we do has to be a compromise. i call him out on things if i feel like eventually i am going to resent him. i don''t want to ever feel like i sacrificed everything and he is still living his life as usual..

that said, i DO think that you are the one sacrificing everything. and you fiance IS going with life just as he did before you moved. i think that he is selfish...but you allow him to be. and just because you gave him a snowmobile does not mean that you need to do that for YOUR birthday. talk to him..seriously..not to his father-TO HIM. because he is never going to change

 

[Hera]

I agree with what others have said already. There seems to be a whole lot of concern on your part for your boyfriend''s happiness and not enough reciprocation on his part for your happiness. What to really strive for in a relationship and especially marriage is a balance between both of them.

 

[doodle]

hmm...i''d be annoyed with his initial actions, but the fact that you worked things out to a compromise by you talking to his father is worrisome to me, too. granted, i don''t know every detail of the situation, but from what you''ve said so far, it sounds to me like you have a better relationship and a more realistic sense of compromise between yourself and your guy''s father than you do with yourself and your guy! it also seems like there are a lot of ultimatums flying around, and if you have to threaten in order to agree on things, there''s something off. i''d be very hesitant to pick up my whole life and move for someone when it seems to be such a chore to work things out between you when disagreements arise. that''s a really important part of any relationship, and it''s one that''d be likely to suffer even more if you moved to be with him and things didn''t go as you had hoped. i hope this doesn''t sound harsh or mean--i watched my best friend go through literally the EXACT same scenario (well, minus the snow-related activities; we live in georgia!). if i were in your position, i''d tread carefully, talk to him, and make it a point for both of you to try to better understand each other''s needs so that neither of you feels resentment or neglect from the other. best of luck to the both of you, and i hope you guys have a wonderful holiday together!