am i nuts?

[thinkingwishful]

Hi all,
I feel like a lunatic for even writing...but it seems like after reading all your threads, what i'm going through is pretty standard

I moved in with my bf 2 months ago (after just over a year of dating). we had previously decided to move in together but then put it on hold- i originally didn't want to move in until married, but it was important for him to live together first...basically I forced the topic and made him outline a timeline for me, and made it clear that moving in for me was a stepping stone to engagement. Not the beginning of a 3 year conversation or a long-term phase for us, but a clear step toward getting married in the near future. At the time he assured me that he saw us getting engaged within 6-9 mos of moving in and that was enough for me to take the leap.

Now, two months into living together I feel like I'm completely obsessed with when this is going to happen. I can't seem to shake the feeling that he is just saying what he needs to say - even though he's given me NO reason not to trust him at all. I guess from where I stand, if you know you want to marry someone and you are financially and otherwise stable- What is the reason to wait? To me, it basically means that he isn't sure and it makes me feel like I made a bad move by moving in before the ring/marriage. I've started to consider the idea that if he isn't ready for the same things that I'm ready for, maybe we aren't really right for each other. To me, life is short and when you decide you want to be with someone and start that part of your life, why would you ever wait another minute?

I'd bring it up with him, but every time I do I get responses from him that are really reassuring and normal. Only thing is, it is kind of all talk and no action. If we were going to be engaged within 4-6 mos from now, wouldn't he be asking something about a ring? Wouldn't I have a sense of SOMETHING? I know the surprise element is important to him, but I can't imagine he wouldn't want to know something about my opinions. Plus I know that he hasn't asked any of my friends of my mom which we once discussed he might do a long time ago.

Am I just going nuts for no reason? I know I should let it go and give him his space...but it is making me feel angry and resentful of him...how can he not think about this stuff at all when it seems to be the only thing I can think about? This is exactly what I was worried about when we decided to move in. I thought if I got a timeline out of him I'd avoid this phase of crazyness, but no such luck.
Thoughts?

 

[sonnyjane]

Yikes. You need to take a deep breath and a big step back to look at the situation. If you don't, you're going to sabotage everything. Yes, I agree with you that if you know you want to marry someone, you will make things happen to do so, but it still takes time! You've only been together for a year, and have only been living together for two months. He told you he could see you getting engaged 6-9 months after that. That means he's still well within the timeline he provided, which means YOU need to back off and let him do his thing. Now, if a year from now he hasn't made any mention of an engagement and isn't really talking about marriage, then you need to re-evaluate, but please, please give him some time. Yes, you ARE acting nuts for no reason! I'm being direct because I want to help you, but if you start pressuring him right now, it's really going to push him away. I wouldn't want to be in that type of relationship if I was him, that's for sure.

 

[mogster]

I do think you're getting worked up over this and it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong. Like sonnyjane said, he's well within the timeline and has quite a few months left. Perhaps the problem (and I could be totally wrong here) is that you perceive the conversation with your mother/friends, ring shopping, and proposal to be a lengthy, drawn-out process whereas he does not. To him, the conversation might just entail a phone call or dinner, the ring a shopping trip to the mall, and the proposal a dinner reservation. Does he know what your expectations are? I would have a conversation with him to tell him exactly how you feel and that you would like to be included in the ring selection process and to what extent (unless he knows already), and then give him the opportunity to execute it all in accordance with the timeline you both accepted. It's not fair to him for you to be angry and resentful over your perception of his inaction or expectation of a proposal sooner than what was implicitly or explicitly agreed to.

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

I do believe too, you are getting worked up over the idea of an engagement and the ring itself. Take time to enjoy the relationship for what it is. In a guy's mind 6-9 month is not that much time at all. Think about it, he will only be your boyfriend for this short period of time.. so enjoy it while you still can.. because the rest of your life you will be calling him husband .

 

[centralsquare]

To me, life is short and when you decide you want to be with someone and start that part of your life, why would you ever wait another minute?

He's a guy....he sees it differently. If he's told you there are engagement plans in 9 mo and that was the agreement you made moving in, then I don't think it's wise to push the issue ahead of time. That's a recipe for a disaster!!

 

[MissStepcut]

I know my SO wants to marry me. He bought a diamond. It's sitting at Brian Gavin.

For 2 months now.

Sitting.

Unset.

Waiting for the go-ahead.

It's not because he doesn't want to marry me. It's because I am here, giving him kisses and telling him I love him every day and he's totally secure and happy in our trajectory that he's in no panic at all. I'm a little frustrated, but I am also glad that he doesn't worry that I am going to leave him while he's getting his ducks in a row. I don't think you should worry for one second that he's stalling... he's just content. And maybe procrastinating a little, because he can. You obviously are really ready to start the next chapter, but he also wanted *this* chapter. The chapter where you're not engaged and not married but "playing house" and getting to know more intimate facets of each other. Maybe he has been looking forward to it, and is savoring it now that its here. Is there anyway you could let go a little and savor it too?

 

[iheartscience]

Hmm...sounds like in your case it would have been best to go with your original decision and wait to move into together until you were engaged. That said, you moved in, so you have to deal with what's going on. You're still well within the timeline you discussed, so I wouldn't panic yet. When you can have a calm conversation about it, though, I would talk to him about the timeline, your preferences for a ring, etc. Then (assuming he and you want to do a "surprise" proposal) you just have to wait.

Do you rent? If so, do you have an annual lease? If you do have an annual lease, that works out perfectly-if he hasn't proposed to you before the lease is up, plan to move out. It's clear you aren't comfortable living together indefinitely (and I see nothing wrong with that!), so I would have that in the back of your mind as a plan B if he really does drag his feet.

 

[tuffyluvr]

I'm in a similar position to you... Except my bf and I have been together for almost five years and I moved in with him about a year ago. Under the same stipulations that you made. I didn't really want to move in together until I had the commitment, but it was important to him. He started casually looking about six months ago. I know he is looking--he involved me in the process recently, but I'm still getting really impatient!!!! He has told me that it's really unappealing to him when I push the subject, butbi have certainly been guilty of that very thing. We joke about it, and have discussed the subject relatively frequently, but he has told me that it hurts his feelings and makes him feel like a kid that's pestering a parent for a toy when i pressure him--like I just want him to give me the ring to shut me up.

I would suggest trying to bring up the subject gently if there is a specific ring that you want, but he isn't making you wait an unreasonably long time, so just try to take a breath and be patient. Trust me, I know it's tough, but take it from me, don't push it!!!

 

[RebeccaMUA]

It's really hard to understand why guys are they way they are but they don't get all excited at the thought of engagement or marriage (at least not until they are in the moment). Like some of the other ladies have posted, he is enjoying this period of time with you where you are living together and figuring each other out.

I personally will not move in to my fiancee's house until we are married, but we have spent many a long weekend together, extended vacations, etc. and we basically spend all day every Saturday/Sunday together. We know how each other is and the quirks, what we do different, etc. There will be no surprises once I move in.

But you two have only been together a year, and living together for two months. He is probably still feeling your living situation out and is in no hurry to start the engagement process. And nor should he necessarily need to start for a bit. He has a good 6 months before the estimated time line he gave you ends and many of the ladies, myself included, will tell you time lines will be extended and broken and extended again in many cases. We as women have the tendencies to hold on to what a guy says regarding engagement or rings and think that is set in stone. Guys can say or think something one day and not feel the same way tomorrow. He may have said that he could see you guys engaged in 6-9 months but if he can push it to a year, he probably wouldn't mind it.

The worst thing you can do it constantly push the subject with him when there really isn't anything to push.yet.

Give him his 6 months and at that time you two should sit down and not only re-evaluate the living situation, but the engagement situation as well.

 

[MayFlowers]

Do you rent? If so, do you have an annual lease? If you do have an annual lease, that works out perfectly-if he hasn't proposed to you before the lease is up, plan to move out. It's clear you aren't comfortable living together indefinitely (and I see nothing wrong with that!), so I would have that in the back of your mind as a plan B if he really does drag his feet.

Ditto to this line. He is still within his timeline, so give him that amount of time and if he hasn't proposed then consider your options from there.

Also, he may want the entire thing to be a surprise. I know many of my friends have gotten engaged and gave absolutely zero input into the ring, proposal, etc. They literally had no clue about when it was going to happen or what their ring would look like. So, don't think that just because he hasn't asked you about rings, that they haven't been on his mind. If you want input, then you need to have a conversation with him about that so that you can both agree on how much or how little input you will have.

 

[UnluckyTwin]

To me, life is short and when you decide you want to be with someone and start that part of your life, why would you ever wait another minute?

I mostly agree with other posters here--he gave you a timeline, he's well within it, and your freaking out about it may freak him out and push him away. I know it's hard but please please calm down.

I wanted to bring attention to this line of your post specifically--you ARE with your SO, you HAVE started the part of your life with him where you are a solid, committed couple living together as though you were married. Even though you are not married yet, and subtle things may change after the marriage, you should recognize that what you have now IS a life with him. I don't know why some people think that a couple's life together doesn't start until after the marriage. You see him first thing when you wake up, last thing before you go to bed, you lean on him for support, you laugh and have dinner together, you spend time together in leisure activities--you clearly have a life with him. Try to enjoy it instead of always thinking about what the next step is.

 

[gem_anemone]

Sorry you're feeling this way. It sucks when you have a vision of how you would like things to be and then your SO is the opposite. It was nice of you to comply with his wishes even though it was against yours. If I were in your situation I would make double sure I was very comfortable with my decision and that it wasn't for the wrong reasons or that you weren't pressured into doing so.

I lived with my fiance for 2.5 years before we got engaged. We talked about engagement when we first moved in together, but life kept happening, holidays/birthdays passed and... no ring LOL. We both work full time, we have lots of hobbies, we both bought cars, last year we bought a house, SO bought a new computer and basically you can't pay for everything all at once. To us, it was more important for our relationship to get a stable place to live and spend our money wisely than it was to pay for an expensive piece of jewelry. You guys will have to discover together what is more important for your relationship. Do you have any idea what he plans to spend on a ring? Does your BF even know you are a member of PS? Do you know if he would even buy a ring online or would he go to the mall or a local store? Most guys just go to the store, buy whatever they can afford that they think you would like and don't really think too much about it. If you want to design a ring you'll have to let him know that it's important to you. Since you complied with him on the moving in together thing, then hopefully he'll let you decide on your ring design! Like everyone else said if a year goes by and you don't want to wait for him, then you should be able to get out of your lease. Hopefully it won't come to that and in the next year you'll be in engagement bliss with the man you love!

 

[sjm]

Welcome!!

I am going to ditto what a lot of the ladies have said. Your SO still has 4-7 months left in the initial timeline you discussed so I do think that you need to cut him some slack and remember that he has not done anything wrong. That said I can still feel from your post that something needs to happen for you to feel better about all this. Firstly, if possible I would definitely do what some of the other ladies suggested and have a laid-back conversation with him about your expectations around rings/engagement/proposals. From my experience, I twas involved in the ring shopping process which started out with online shopping, mall stores etc... It will have taken about 6-8 weeks from the time we seritously started looking to when the ring will be my SO's possession (and that is with a LOT of time spent shopping at the beginning). People can spend anywhere from 10 minutes to a year or more shopping for a ring so maybe ensuring your thoughts on this are in the same place.
I also think you need to contemplate whether you are really willing/able to continue living with your SO unengaged/married for a potential 7 more months. Although it is a short amount of time in the large scheme of things, if you are already starting to feel resentment that be a really long 7 months. You did compromise for him and I am not necessarily suggeting you go back on that but maybe an open dialogue now that you are 2 months into cohabiting, to sit back and reflect together on the last 2 months and hopes for the future!

You are not nuts! But don't freak out now because depending on your man that could just lead you down a path you down a path you weren't planning on taking!! Good Luck!!

 

[Amys Bling]

Yikes. You need to take a deep breath and a big step back to look at the situation. If you don't, you're going to sabotage everything. Yes, I agree with you that if you know you want to marry someone, you will make things happen to do so, but it still takes time! You've only been together for a year, and have only been living together for two months. He told you he could see you getting engaged 6-9 months after that. That means he's still well within the timeline he provided, which means YOU need to back off and let him do his thing. Now, if a year from now he hasn't made any mention of an engagement and isn't really talking about marriage, then you need to re-evaluate, but please, please give him some time. Yes, you ARE acting nuts for no reason! I'm being direct because I want to help you, but if you start pressuring him right now, it's really going to push him away. I wouldn't want to be in that type of relationship if I was him, that's for sure.

Couldn't agree more...

 

[monarch64]

You're just ready! And that's OK! Please please please just take time to enjoy living together, planning your life with him, etc. Everything will happen when it's supposed to. Believe me!

Best of luck to you!

 

[monarch64]

You're just ready! And that's OK! Please please please just take time to enjoy living together, planning your life with him, etc. Everything will happen when it's supposed to. Believe me!

Best of luck to you!

 

[Indylady]

I'm concerned the anxiety you may be feeling stems from sacrificing your 'values' for his 'values'. You wanted to be married before moving in, he didn't--you've decided to compromise by living together, with the condition that you'll be engaged soon enough. The time allotted hasn't come yet, let alone passed, so for the most part I agree with the ladies--no need to stress.

That being said, I totally get where you are coming from. I wouldn't have moved in in the first place, because I know I'd be feeling the same way you are. If I were you, I'd move out--best for my sanity. Disclaimer: This is just what I would do. It would make me most content. Yes, it seems extreme, but if you're wondering if you're nuts, then you must be feeling some extremely strong emotions as well.

 

[AmeliaG]

If I were you, I'd move out--best for my sanity. Disclaimer: This is just what I would do. It would make me most content. Yes, it seems extreme, but if you're wondering if you're nuts, then you must be feeling some extremely strong emotions as well.

Ditto indyLady.

It sounds like you thought you could compromise but now that you're in the situation, you're realizing you're not really comfortable with it. I don't think it has anything to do with what he's doing or not doing. It looks like you made a BIG compromise which a lot of ladies wouldn't be comfortable with - living together before an engagement is a huge leap from waiting until you are married to live together. I imagine you wouldn't be as uncomfortable with your situation if you had originally just wanted to be engaged before moving in.

 

[OrchidVee]

I understand you're anxious and excited to be engaged. This is a very exciting time and it makes you start thinking about your future and what life will be like with your S.O. years down the road. If you weren't anxious and excited, then I'd say something was far more wrong than his time line. With that said, you HAVE TO CALM DOWN! You need to enjoy this time and look foward to the day he proposes and the excitement and love you will feel at that time. The last thing you want to do is push your bf to do something when he hasn't had the time to sit down, look for your ring (with or without you) and plan out the perfect proposal for you. You want him to be 100% ready to take that step and if he told you it's going to take him 6-9 months to get there; give him that 6-9 months, plus 1 or 2 extra (he is a guy and well, sometimes they can under estimate the amount of time they need). I would NOT jump on him on the first day of the 10th month because that will more than likely make him angry or freak him out. Like others have said, if at a year's time he hasn't proposed, then you can start thinking about a Plan B. Should you move out? Should you just say something to him? I'd say that's going to have to be your judgement call; follow your gut. So, for now stay calm, (it's normal to have some anxiety because let's face it..IT'S AN EXCITING TIME!!!) enjoy living with your boyfriend and try to enjoy being a LIW!

 

[mrscushion]

Yikes. You need to take a deep breath and a big step back to look at the situation. If you don't, you're going to sabotage everything. Yes, I agree with you that if you know you want to marry someone, you will make things happen to do so, but it still takes time! You've only been together for a year, and have only been living together for two months. He told you he could see you getting engaged 6-9 months after that. That means he's still well within the timeline he provided, which means YOU need to back off and let him do his thing. Now, if a year from now he hasn't made any mention of an engagement and isn't really talking about marriage, then you need to re-evaluate, but please, please give him some time. Yes, you ARE acting nuts for no reason! I'm being direct because I want to help you, but if you start pressuring him right now, it's really going to push him away. I wouldn't want to be in that type of relationship if I was him, that's for sure.

Couldn't agree more...

Thritto... take care!