Am I mean and nasty?

[Pandora II]

Here's the story...

FBIL met a girl (lets call her F) online who lived in a different city a few hours away, they went on about 5 dates and then stopped. 8 months later, she texts him to say she's PG and it's his...

Baby is born 3 weeks later. FBIL moves F and kid in with him and they try to have a relationship. Total disaster as they never had one to start with.

After 14 months, FBIL and F split up (6 weeks ago) - she moves out with the kid. FBIL has already got a new gf since March (lets call her H) who is older, divorced and has a 3 year-old son in another city.

FBIL and H plus her kid now live together in her house and F plus his kid live in another city. FBIL has the kid every other weekend, and H's ex-husband has her child every other weekend as well.

We had invited FBIL and F plus the baby to our wedding.

FFIL has now told me on Saturday that H is coming, and both kids. I said I couldn't allow her child as I had a ban on all under 10's except immediate family and overseas. There were a potential 35 under-10's and it wasn't fair if I made exceptions.

He says oh that's okay, we'll just bring him and then no-one can say anything.

So I said that I had very strict numbers. Oh that's okay then they can just come to the reception and not the ceremony!

WTF!!!

I have met H once on Saturday for 5 minutes - she seems very nice, but I also have a ban on any partners who people are not married to, engaged to or been seriously dating for over a year. Hence neither my sister's bf nor my assitant's bf are being invited.

I am prepared to make an exception for H only because I had a place reserved for F in the first place. But I am not prepared to have her son when we don't want children there.

I've told FI that he is to sort it out with his father, I also spoke to FMIL about it when I saw her on Sunday (they're divorced) and she totally agreed with me that this wasn't on - and that we were being more than accomodating by inviting H.

Am I being mean? Our venue is about 3.5 hours drive away for them, but I don't see why her ex can't have the kid that weekend. To be completely honest, I don't know why FBIL wants to bring his child either. There is a ban on any prams/high chairs etc as it's a historic venue, he will have to have his daughter on his knee for the whole meal as I'm not allocating chairs for under 3's, and the grounds are not really child-friendly (50ft sheer drops etc).

ETA: My parents are paying for 90% and FI and I for about 10% of the wedding, so it's not like FFIL has any ownership.

 

[CrookedRock]

Totally mean an nasty??? NO NO NO!!!
They are out of line, there is a reason you don''t want kids at your wedding, but regardless you don''t have to justify that to anoyone. The simple answer is No. Sorry but the kid is not invited. There will be no other kids there, and we can''t make excaptions. Hopefully your FI can work this out without you having to be involved further. But if he doesn''t I would not hesitate bc this is YOUR day!! Stick to your guns! Sorry you have to deal with this...

 

[CJ2008]

Pandora...no...why is it we always think it means we''re mean and nasty when we simply don''t want to do what others want or expect us to do? You''ve had your rules set for your wedding, and they''re set...I think you tactfully tried to tell FBIL but he wouldn''t "bite". How about calling him and being completely honest with him, that you do not want the 3-year old there, for all the reasons you told him, and you''d appreciate his understanding?

 

[Coreysgirl]

I wouldn''t let him bring the child if you''ve specified no children allowed. I put on my invitations "Adult Reception Following". I explained to my MOH that the only kids that''ll be there are the ones in the wedding. So she informed me that her kids with be with her husband because his family reunion is that weekend. Well she just informed me the other day that her husband has to go out of town for work and she have to bring them (3). So I can''t tell her no because 1). she driving from Georgia 2) she''s my MOH and 3). She has noone here to watch them.

But in your case you won''t have any kids so I definitely would say no. This is your wedding and you have to put your foot down. If they understand just how important this wedding is for you and your fiance'' then that''ll make other arrangements. I bet if they had plans to travel out of town or were going to dinner they''d find somebody.

 

[Independent Gal]

OH, so annoying! (The FBIL, that is, not you).

 

[doodle]

you have no obligation whatsoever to bend the rules of your wedding so as to accommodate the children of strangers. end of story.

if you felt the need to be somewhat obliging so as to avoid drama, you could politely inform them that you''d be more than happy to find a trustworthy babysitter if they''re not from the area, but even that is no obligation for you--it''d just be a nice gesture. personally, i''d tell them to get over it.

 

[gwendolyn]

Neither mean nor nasty, dearest. You are merely sticking to your guns, as well you should.

 

[lliang_chi]

Agree, agree, agree, agree. You''re not being mean, you''re just being clear.

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree with everyone else. You''re definitely not being mean and nasty. You''ve set a limit and you expect others to respect that -- there''s nothing wrong at all with doing that. I also agree with Doodle, who mentioned looking for a sitter for the baby. That way you''d be accomodating on some level without giving in really. Just a thought. I think I''d also try talking to the FBIL (or asking your FI to do it, since it''s his brother) again and explain the situation to him.

 

[Rhea]

Well, I didn''t want to say anything, but since you asked

Of course that''s not mean! Your have great reasons for not wanting the kid there. I agree that if you start making exceptions for this family then you''ll have to others as well.

 

[surfgirl]

Hell to the No, you''re not being mean. YOur FBIL is being tacky and rude, as is his new lady friend. If I were you, I wouldn''t even be extending an invite to the newest bed fellow of this fellow. Sorry. You have guidelines for a reason and yours are more than reasonable. NO KIDS. AT ALL. But if I were you, I''d make sure YOU were clear with the FBIL because I''m not getting the feeling your FI''s father will ensure the kid will be elsewhere...do you trust him, your FFIL, to take care of this for you? Wait! Why not sic the evil event coordinator on them?

 

[CJ2008]

surfgirl hahaahahahah pandora, she''s right! Tell your FBIL that you will have a fabulous babysitter on site! hahaha

 

[Deelight]

Not at all I think you are being quite reasonable, you have been clear and up front with your guest expectations and that is your choice for your wedding not others to change and dictate it for you.

Sorry you have to deal with this but hopefully it is resolved painlessly for you

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/5/2008 4:49:04 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Neither mean nor nasty, dearest. You are merely sticking to your guns, as well you should.

Ditto. I don''t see a problem here.

 

[mia1181]

For the life of me- I will never understand why people have such a hard time with children not being invited to a wedding. Why is it such a big deal? You''re not being mean or nasty you''ve just determined what would be appropraite for YOUR day. Stick to your policy and have you FI talk to his dad.

 

[Pandora II]

FI has agreed to lay down the law.

The only children under 10 I have said ''yes'' to are immediate family, bridesmaids and those from overseas. Which is my niece (4 who is a bridesmaid) and nephew (2.5), FBIL''s kid (18 months), a beautifully behaved Italian 7 year-old and my two cousins (9 & 7) who are also bridesmaids.

I am also of course saying yes to ''babes-in-arms''. FI''s cousin is having a baby a few weeks before the wedding. Her 2 year-old is going to his grandparents and she was terribly worried about asking if she could bring the new baby and sent me a lovely email saying she''d totally understand if I preferred to say no.

However, all our other cousin''s and friend''s kids are not invited and so far everyone has been fantastic - most have even said how great it will be to have a night off. I sent personal notes to everyone with the STDs in the hope that no-one would be offended and so I knew that they all knew the situation well in advance.

Surfgirl, you are right - I''m none to happy about inviting FBIL''s latest s***. I had got to know F quite well and she was a sweet girl if totally messed up and silly. H I have just met and while she seems nice enough, it feels like inviting the person you chatted to at the bus-stop for 10 minutes.

I''m so glad you all think I''m being reasonable. FI isn''t known for his subtlety so we''ll go ahead with the ''Don''t even think about asking...''


I wouldn''t inflict the WVW on my worst enemy''s kids!

 

[HollyS]

Stick to your guns. If you don''t want the kid there, he isn''t going to be there. Don''t make exceptions, excuses, or feel bad. Don''t put up with, or give in to, any bullying by anyone about your wedding.

 

[allycat0303]

You know what is cool about a wedding? It''s one of the only days where you really get to make the rules about who is invited and who is not. I don''t think it''s fair of them to just assume they can bring the children, if others aren''t allowed.

 

[iheartscience]

So rude. You aren''t mean or nasty! Lay down the law!

 

[bee*]

Your FFIL is totally in the wrong here. Stick to your guns. Surely the child''s father can take her for that weekend.

 

[Lorelei]

I ditto everyone else. Stick to your guns Pan!