Am I coping?

[Arkteia]

Theredspinel, I am so sorry. It would have been much easier were you not so close to him.

My father, too, is dying, in another country. My mom died 18 years ago. And dad never remarried.

And now he has two cancers and atherosclerosis, and old age, he is helped by his caretaker, an ex-nurse, who does an excellent job. And, there is a hospital if he deteriorates. He had no urinary bladder, he has a gastrostomy (feeding tube in his stomach) because if he swallows, food gets into his lungs. We fly to Moscow and back almost monthly, two years ago I ended up having clots from frequent flights. Three years ago when he was still walking, he asked for euthanasia, but it is forbidden in Russia.

My distant family is not supportive.

But he is happy to see us, and some days are good. What I am trying to do is to make anything possible for dad to avoid any discomfort.

Theredspinel, I don't know what to advise you. I understand the feeling, and the pain, though. Like many said, there is no right or wrong answer.

 

[AGBF]

Theredspinel, I am so sorry. It would have been much easier were you not so close to him.

My father, too, is dying, in another country. My mom died 18 years ago. And dad never remarried.

And now he has two cancers and atherosclerosis, and old age, he is helped by his caretaker, an ex-nurse, who does an excellent job. And, there is a hospital if he deteriorates. He had no urinary bladder, he has a gastrostomy (feeding tube in his stomach) because if he swallows, food gets into his lungs. We fly to Moscow and back almost monthly, two years ago I ended up having clots from frequent flights. Three years ago when he was still walking, he asked for euthanasia, but it is forbidden in Russia.

My distant family is not supportive.

But he is happy to see us, and some days are good. What I am trying to do is to make anything possible for dad to avoid any discomfort.

Theredspinel, I don't know what to advise you. I understand the feeling, and the pain, though. Like many said, there is no right or wrong answer.

I am very sorry that you and your father are going through this, Arkteia. It must be extremely hard to live through at such a long distance. I had the luxury of being able to leave my home and go to live with my parents when they became ill. My daughter and I had been extremely close to them throughout their entire lives, and it would have been unnatural for us to be apart during their long illnesses and deaths. But families differ greatly.

I wish your family peace.

Deb

 

[tyty333]

Whitewater and ABGF...I wish my FIL had had palliative care. I think that was what he needed instead of being in a recovery care center when there
is no chance of recover. Heaven forbid that you actually die in the recovery care center...they dont give you enough medicine to make you comfortable
because they dont want to lower the systems that control heartbeat/breathing ( not sure what they're called). He was about to receive comfort at
the hospice center but the recovery center would have kept him there for 2 more weeks in pain until his insurance ran out. So disgusting!

Arkteia - I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You are a good daughter making that journey so often (take care of yourself). I wish the US
had more humane end of life options but I know that is a slippery slope.

 

[freezing_in_MO]

Theredspinel, I am so, so very sorry. I was in a very similar position four years ago, and my heart aches for you and your family. I wish you strength.

We were constantly at each other's throats, even though we are normally a loving family. Under normal circumstances, we at worst ignore each other, and confrontation is pretty much non-existent. We couldn't fight the cancer, so we fought with each other. It continued until after my father passed, and actually worsened to the point where half of the family boycotted the later memorial services because they didn't like how we handled the minutiae of the funeral.

In case the foolishness brings you a chuckle, I'll share some crazy details. We had (normally reasonable and sane) people threatening to buy the grave next to my father's, so they could put a tombstone on it inscribed with a note saying that they didn't approve of the inscription I picked for my father's tombstone and had nothing to do with it. In case you are wondering, it was a perfectly respectable and uncontroversial inscription that most everyone else thought was very fitting.

In case you need another chuckle, a guest at the service asked my aunt to introduce her to other family members so she could offer condolences. Most of that branch of the family had boycotted the service. My aunt didn't miss a beat before very calmly responding that she was the only one there because the rest of her branch of the family were deceased. This is in a very formal setting, in a very formal and serious tone, from a person who doesn't have a bitchy bone in her body.

My father was the backbone of the family. Everyone eventually realized that it was the grief and pain talking, and our relationships are back where they were before my father fell ill.

Arkteia, my father was in a different country too. It was painful to be with him and painful to be away. I wish you strength as well.

 

[whitewave]

How are things?

 

[LLJsmom]

theredspinel, I am so so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm so sorry. Sending you a big hug.