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Aggressive text from collegue, what to do?

allycat0303

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,450
So I have this problem. Nine months ago, my sister had a flirtation with Mr. S. He's a resident in my program. Then my sister decided she didn't want to have a relationship with him. He begged her to reconsider but she refused.

I voiced my disapproval several times, because he had a bad reputation.

So last week, I was talking to his ex-girlfriend (a nurse in the ICU), and she said, "Mr. S told everyone that you were SUPER insisting that your sister and him be together because he was the perfect guy." And I said to her, "it's not true. He really wanted to go out with her, but she didn't think it would work". This isn't the first thing Mr. S has said about my sister either, he's also said, she's crazy/desperate/etc.

So last night at 12 AM I recieved this text message stating,

"Ally you seriously have to stop spreading rumors about me crying over ur sister, get ur facts straight because I've never even cried when my grandfather died. So if you want to spread rumors, I can tell everyone about your personal breakdowns you have on a weekly basis and how much your husband "loves" you...."

At 12 AM. In the morning. I think he's crazy.

I saved the text message to my SIM card. I did NOT respond. I don't want to give him ammunition. I think I should call my cell phone provider to get a copy of this (if possible).

I'm thinking about filing a report to with the Federation of Quebec residents (our union), because I think it's unacceptable that he's threatening me like this. Even if I HAD said something that he didn't agree with to his ex-girlfriend, I don't think this is appropriate behavior. What do you all think?

Thanks ladies!
 
I agree, file a complaint wherever you think it is necessary and halt any and all contact with this man. Be polite when you see him, speak politely when you see him in public and must interact, but leave it at that. And don't talk about him to anyone ever, just in case he escalates over time.

No harm in documenting things with the "pwers that be". Protect yourself. Men often get away with intimidation in the work plance because women say nothing.
 
I'm not really reading it like an aggressive threat. To what ... gossip about you? Tell his opinion of your affairs to other people? Which really is what you did to him. There's the "objective truth" which no one will ever know -- and "subjective truth" -- your sister's side of things is not the absolute truth & passing her side along to HIS EX-GF?? is really insensitive, unprofessional & unwise (IMHO).

You embarrassed him. He wants you to stop doing that. Don't speak about his affairs no matter what he says about your sister. (She IS crazy, remember!?! :tongue: ) Your sister chose to deal with the consequences when she decided to date him after your warnings. You do not have to defend her honor etc etc. I'd advise something simple like "you'd have to ask them" if anyone asks you about it in the future.

Just as YOUR professional reputation is a stake ... so is HIS.
 
Definitely file a complaint. Something's off with this guy so I wouldn't wait for *next time*.
 
Wait, am I reading something incorrectly? That is a resident in your program writing something like that?!

That is completely unacceptable and you need to definitely file a complaint. It is extremely evident that he is embarrassed and this is his way of getting revenge.
 
file.
paper trail means everything.
should you have a more serious problem with this person, you'll more likely be believed and backed up because of that paper trail.

mz
 
decodelighted said:
I'm not really reading it like an aggressive threat. To what ... gossip about you? Tell his opinion of your affairs to other people? Which really is what you did to him. There's the "objective truth" which no one will ever know -- and "subjective truth" -- your sister's side of things is not the absolute truth & passing her side along to HIS EX-GF?? is really insensitive, unprofessional & unwise (IMHO).

You embarrassed him. He wants you to stop doing that. Don't speak about his affairs no matter what he says about your sister. (She IS crazy, remember!?! :tongue: ) Your sister chose to deal with the consequences when she decided to date him after your warnings. You do not have to defend her honor etc etc. I'd advise something simple like "you'd have to ask them" if anyone asks you about it in the future.

Just as YOUR professional reputation is a stake ... so is HIS.
Click to expand...

I took it the same way Deco did. I read the email but other than simple gossip, I didn't see any serious threats from the message. I'd probably keep any further contact with him strictly professional, but I'm assuming you'd do that anyway.
 
Document this and I would definitely consider filing a complaint. Not only is he threatening you, he's lying about your sister. You're clearly worried about this guy, which is a red flag.

There is nothing professional about threatening to gossip about you. If he was professional he would have asked to have a conversation with you to straighten it out. If you want to have a face to face conversation (in a public setting, of course) to clear the air, and see if that calms him down, fine. If he continues the behavior, then report him.
 
Ah, the male super-ego. The joys.

I'd keep the text in case anything else happens, and would not partake in any more gossip, especially with his ex-girlfriend.
 
Yeesh, that's an icky text.

I'd actually probably approach him when he's alone and ask if I can buy him a cup of coffee in the cafeteria. I'd make it clear that I was waving the truce flag, here. If he agreed, then I'd take the opportunity to apologize for talking about him with a colleague, and I'd tell him that my plan was to just say "I have no idea what went on between Mr. S. and my sister, but it really wouldn't be my story to tell if I did." And then I'd smile very sweetly and tell him that I was sure we were both adult enough to refrain from talking about each other to anyone else at work. If he was receptive, I'd tell him that even though I understood he likely sent it out of frustration or anger at what I did, I thought his text was inappropriate and that I expect an apology.

I had to do something similar in my last job. It was one of those sticky situations where two teachers dated, I was good friends with the female half of the pair, they broke up, and the rumor mill started churning out headlines almost immediately. Everyone came to me for the juicy bits and I always said "Not my story to tell." Then one day someone came to me and repeated some scathing things that the male half of the now defunct pair apparently said about my friend, and that got the better of me. I didn't say much, but I made it clear that he was definitely lying about my friend, and that set him off on me. He took it upon himself to tell some people some untrue things about me, so I approached him with the cup of coffee method I described above. He was clearly a bit cowed by the approach, but it worked. By the end of our coffee meeting he had apologized to me profusely, and overcompensated by enthusiastically volunteering to join a group I had been trying to start in the school.
 
This guy is immature, very immature. However if I were you, I wouldn't file a complaint based on that text message. I will save the message IN CASE if it happens again though.

The reason is three-fold: 1) When you file a complaint they have to investigate - it is BOTH of you that they will investigate. It then becomes a "he says vs she says about what and when" mess. You are already under a lot of work and family stress right now, do you really want to deal with that? 2) If you just ignore him, he may just back off. Do not let his bad behavior control your emotion or push to make more drama. He will eventually grow up but it is not your job to "help him". 3) I keep a very strict "personal life outside professional life rule". I chose not to discuss my family or personal life extensively at work because they are my business only. If you file a complaint your sister may even become a topic of "investigation" and I don't think it is worth it!

I am sorry you have to work with such AH! Just go on to do your best work and ignore little men like him! :tongue:
 
Well my post keeps getting eaten.

Deco, I respectfully disagree that by saying "my sister didn't want to date him" is attacking his professional reputation. His pride maybe. I think that's different them him saying I had *personal breakdowns* that's about my mental health. In the medical profession, in terms of invalidity insurance, this is a big deal. I've had a resident denied coverage because one of her evaluations said she looked "sad and tired."

I would also like to add that I have only missed 1 day of work last year when my grandfather passed away. There have been no mental breakdowns.

I've had issues with Mr. S before, he's said "I'm going to try and look up your skirt" (it was knee length), he's told numerous residents that the chief of our department wants to sleep with me, and that sex with my sister was *good*. He's also put a patient's life in danger. He was suppose to be supervising me while I pulled out an intra-aortic ballon from the femoral artery. When the blood started pouring out, he LEFT the room, laughing and saying I was going to "figure it out" I was trying to compress the artery while trying to yell for help. The patient bled out Hemeglobin of 114 to 80 and needed to be transfused. The ICU staff was livid and he was severely reprimanded for this stunt. He actually brings this up when I see him and LAUGHS because he says this was my initiation!

I've never said anything about these things. I've always taken it as par for course. As a girl in this program, I expect to get a few jokes/off color humor. I've never defended my sister (it has been 9 months) because I don't really know what happened. However, this time, I did know I didn't try to push them together.

But this is the first time he's said to me, "I'm going to spread rumors about you." So it feels more *out to get you*

Haven: I honestly did not think to myself, *I'm gossiping about him* She was telling me about all the things he said I SAID. I clarified that this wasn't true. This morning I spoke to the nurse about it, and she apologized saying that she was angry and might have exaggerated things when she fought with him on the phone last night. She said she was sorry that she had caused me problems, and asked me if I was "scared because he was going to trash my reputation" I don't know if I should approach him. I'm kind of afraid to. I don't want him to be able to say, "Ally said this" and say things that are untrue, you know? Although I'm not sure if just ignoring the text is better either. I just want him to leave me alone.
 
allycat0303 said:
Well my post keeps getting eaten.

Deco, I respectfully disagree that by saying "my sister didn't want to date him" is attacking his professional reputation. His pride maybe. I think that's different them him saying I had *personal breakdowns* that's about my mental health. In the medical profession, in terms of invalidity insurance, this is a big deal. I've had a resident denied coverage because one of her evaluations said she looked "sad and tired."

I would also like to add that I have only missed 1 day of work last year when my grandfather passed away. There have been no mental breakdowns.

I've had issues with Mr. S before, he's said "I'm going to try and look up your skirt" (it was knee length), he's told numerous residents that the chief of our department wants to sleep with me, and that sex with my sister was *good*. He's also put a patient's life in danger. He was suppose to be supervising me while I pulled out an intra-aortic ballon from the femoral artery. When the blood started pouring out, he LEFT the room, laughing and saying I was going to "figure it out" I was trying to compress the artery while trying to yell for help. The patient bled out Hemeglobin of 114 to 80 and needed to be transfused. The ICU staff was livid and he was severely reprimanded for this stunt. He actually brings this up when I see him and LAUGHS because he says this was my initiation!

I've never said anything about these things. I've always taken it as par for course. As a girl in this program, I expect to get a few jokes/off color humor. But this is the first time he's said to me, "I'm going to spread rumors about you."
Click to expand...

Now that you've said this, it's clear. You should file a complaint. In the US, this is call harassment and he's created a hostile work environment. Under no circumstance should he be making sexual comments to you or anyone else in the workplace. I don't know what the employment laws are in Canada, however. We refer to people like him as "walking liabilities" or "walking lawsuit."
 
allycat0303 said:
Well my post keeps getting eaten.

Deco, I respectfully disagree that by saying "my sister didn't want to date him" is attacking his professional reputation. His pride maybe. I think that's different them him saying I had *personal breakdowns* that's about my mental health. In the medical profession, in terms of invalidity insurance, this is a big deal. I've had a resident denied coverage because one of her evaluations said she looked "sad and tired."

I would also like to add that I have only missed 1 day of work last year when my grandfather passed away. There have been no mental breakdowns.

I've had issues with Mr. S before, he's said "I'm going to try and look up your skirt" (it was knee length), he's told numerous residents that the chief of our department wants to sleep with me, and that sex with my sister was *good*. He's also put a patient's life in danger. He was suppose to be supervising me while I pulled out an intra-aortic ballon from the femoral artery. When the blood started pouring out, he LEFT the room, laughing and saying I was going to "figure it out" I was trying to compress the artery while trying to yell for help. The patient bled out Hemeglobin of 114 to 80 and needed to be transfused. The ICU staff was livid and he was severely reprimanded for this stunt. He actually brings this up when I see him and LAUGHS because he says this was my initiation!

I've never said anything about these things. I've always taken it as par for course. As a girl in this program, I expect to get a few jokes/off color humor. I've never defended my sister (it has been 9 months) because I don't really know what happened. However, this time, I did know I didn't try to push them together.

But this is the first time he's said to me, "I'm going to spread rumors about you." So it feels more *out to get you*

Haven: I honestly did not think to myself, *I'm gossiping about him* She was telling me about all the things he said I SAID. I clarified that this wasn't true. This morning I spoke to the nurse about it, and she apologized saying that she was angry and might have exaggerated things when she fought with him on the phone last night. She said she was sorry that she had caused me problems, and asked me if I was "scared because he was going to trash my reputation" I don't know if I should approach him. I'm kind of afraid to. I don't want him to be able to say, "Ally said this" and say things that are untrue, you know? Although I'm not sure if just ignoring the text is better either. I just want him to leave me alone.
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Honestly, I'm absolutely disgusted by this individuals behavior. I'm especially disgusted that he allowed that to happen to a patient and made you "figure it out" which caused a transfusion because his lack of compassion.

Keep a paper trail of EVERYTHING from here on out, and I mean EVERYTHING.
 
If he is in a position of power over you in any way, then his text is beyond the line for numerous reasons. If he is a fellow student it is also out of line. Especially given his other acts. File a complaint and be done with it. While I do think there is a place for what Haven describes, this is not it given the work environment you are in.
 
ally--I don't think you gossiped about this guy. I'm sorry if I said you gossiped about him in my post, that wasn't what I meant to say. I meant to say that you talked about him with another colleague.

ANYWAY, based on the other things you've just revealed about this guy and the outrageous things he's said to you, I wouldn't do the coffee meeting thing anymore. He sounds imbalanced, and knowing he's said and done those things I would ignore his text and file a complaint with the appropriate board. And stay as far away from him as possible.

I'm sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a potential threat to your professional success, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with him.

Edited for spelling.
 
I don't think he's worth talking to. He sounds like a manipulative liar. Unfortunately, he's going to say a lot more lies about you. You should review some type of handbook from the union or the hospital. There may be guidelines about what to do with people like him and also, who to report this behavior to. Most places state you get to make this complaint in confidence while they investigate the claim. If they do not and allow this behavior to continue, or retaliate against you (by putting you in a worse position or firing you), it's a lot of ammunition for a lawsuit. It is also, very emotional and difficult to deal with. I did a little bit of employment law, and for a lot of people, it is one of the most stressful events in their lives, in addition to all the pain, humiliation, and anguish they suffered on the job. I feel for you, because you are in a very difficult position. Is he also in a position of power over you?

From now on, you must document every incident and thing he says about you. Whether you decide to complain now or later, you need to be able to show evidence of this harassment.

People like this make me sick.
 
The additional background helps me understand your concerns. While I don't think the *text* in and of itself is super concerning -- it seems that you've had problems with him for awhile.

Honestly, I'd steer clear of him**. Keep a paper trail. Stay calm & neutral in all interactions you must have face to face. AVOID "correcting" his lies. You are well within your rights to do so -- but you won't "win". You will only provoke him more. (IMHO)

I'd also be a little wary of the nurse who riled him up at your expense! She is NOT acting like your friend. Hopefully this will all die down when he's amused himself with someone else or is feeling more secure in his manhood.

** Though I'm not really opposed to Haven's Coffee Talk idea & an apology for "talking out of turn". (In his opinion). Maybe you can come to an agreement not to speak about each other PERIOD. I'm pretty sure he's embarrassed about what happened w/your sister & wants everyone on his side. Does it matter really? SHE doesn't work with you guys. HE does. I'd also consider the thought that your sister might have shared some "gossip" about you with him during the time that she fancied him. HONESTLY - I wouldn't put it past her. LIES even. Or at least Exaggerations. Maybe you should have a talk with HER also about spilling your biz to professional colleagues & what kind of results it can have on your career.
 
Definitely file a complaint. This man is a wack job who does not deserve to be a doctor. Unprofessional behavior aside, putting a patient's life at risk and laughing about it should never be tolerated.
 
With this new info. you've given us, that changes my answer now. I'd definitely stay away from this guy, and I'd probably mention these things to a supervisor. He does sounds like a sleazeball, and I'm sorry you've had to deal with his comments. Ick.
 
Is this guy sure he really wants to be a doctor? He sounds horrible. I cannot believe he put a patient's life in jeopardy like that. Sounds like he's a walking lawsuit as Yimmers suggested, for more than one reason.

So, I'm really curious what constitutes a severe reprimand in a case like this? Are you a resident also? But, he is more senior than you, that's why he was to be in the room supervising? I sincerely hope that the incident is clearly documented in his record and will stay there so hospitals could be put on notice of his behavior. The fact that he continues to laugh about the incident is deeply disturbing. I would certainly include that in any complaint.
 
I think you were wrong to engage in any sort of conversation about this guy and your sister with his ex-girlfriend or anyone. Work and personal should never be entertwined and the best response would be "This isn't an appropriate subject for work." or "What did or did not go on with my sister and X is none of my business and I'd rather not discuss it."

That being said, this guy sounds like an absolute creep and I would document and report him for all the other things you mentioned.
 
I'd warn him in no uncertain terms that if this harassment continues, you won't hesitate to get the law involved.

What an absolute creep. NOT someone I'd want to trust with my life.
 
Madam Bijoux said:
Definitely file a complaint. This man is a wack job who does not deserve to be a doctor. Unprofessional behavior aside, putting a patient's life at risk and laughing about it should never be tolerated.
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Got to agree with MB...this guy shouldnt be anywhere near patients with his immature attitude. He is putting lives at danger!
 
Hi everyone,

I've been going through this back and forth in my mind. The union wrote back and said that a complaint should be filed because of the nature of the suggestion (i.e suggesting that I had mental breakdown issues), in light of the reputation of the program of tolerating rampant abuse to woman, she said it must be documented. Traditionally, this program at THIS school, has a history of *encouraging women* to drop out. I am like the 3rd female to be in the program. A previous resident (female) went through 5 years of 6 year residency then dropped out. She eventually committed suicide last year. After leaving the program, she gave many *resident wellness talks* and she blamed many of the issues she had: depression, drug use, on the treatement she recieved during her 5 years in this program.

The issue with the patient happened 8 months ago. At that time, I was a young resident and didn't file a complaint. The ICU staff complained to the Program director who spoke to Mr. S in private. Although it made waves and was documented, it was not brought before the Canadian medical protection, mainly because the patient's family did not fully understand the nature of the situation.

I feel bad that I am targeting him specifically. I don't feel like I can report his comments, because some of the other male residents ALSO make comments of a sexual nature, which I tolerate. But they are less offensive to me somehow, and I am actually friends with the other residents, so I'm not offended (if that makes sense). I think the things that bothered me the most were, *your sister is good in bed stuff* regardless of what happened between them, it makes me feel uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY since the general consensus is that we look A LOT a like. It's icky ya know?

Also, I didn't have any concrete proof. I didn't want to get into the *he said, she said* this is the first time he's actually written something which I can prove.

Haven: I know you weren't saying I was gossiping. It was just a context you know?

Right now, I'm just laying low. If he apologizes and knocks it off, I might let it go, if not, by Monday I'll file an official complaint.

Thanks for all of your advice! Will let you know if I end up acting on it!

.
 
Here's hoping you don't have to deal with ANYTHING from this guy ever again. He just sounds like a total creep. It makes my skin crawl to think that he's treating patients.

Your story about the former female resident in this program is so very sad. What a tragedy.

I'm sorry to hear that there is sexual harassment and abuse towards women going on in your program, and that it is tolerated. I wonder if this is a larger problem in hospitals everywhere, or if you'll be able to escape it once you're finished with your residency. Here's hoping that the latter is the truer statement.

Big hugs and encouragement, allycat. This situation is so far from what you should be dealing with as a resident. I can't even imagine how overworked you must be as a resident, I'm so sorry this is being piled onto your plate in addition to everything else.
 
Ally, I haven't read all the posts, but I do agree with the ones that say the text in itself is icky, but not overly aggressive.

Anyway, I hope you can work this out. But I'll be real honest about my first thoughts...if this is THAT sister we are talking about, based on your posts over the years about her, I think she's batsh*t crazy, and I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.
 
It's 5:00 AM, and the nurse (ex girlfriend) just came up to me and said, " I want to warn you that I told Mr. S, I thought he owed you an apology and he went into a crazy rage via text, called you several unflattering names of the four legged variety, so I think you should expect some fallout."

My cell phone's battery is dead so I can't check my text messages.

I don't know WHY she took it upon herself to talk to him. I haven't said A WORD to her since we spoke. Nor have a responded to him via text or otherwise.

I'm dreading returning home and checking my messages. Apprarently he was enraged. More so then before he sent me text 1.

Something tells me, I'm far from done with this guy.
 
I'm not sure what action you should take because it's hard to tell the tone from the message. I would keep a copy of it just in case however.
 
It sounds like you're going to have to get the ex involved in your complaint as well, as she is obviously fueling his fire.

How far into the program are you?
 
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