After six months of dating

[Erin]

The purpose of this post is not intended to be a ''poor me'' rant. I am seeking advice on how to ease my bf''s anxiety.

I''m 32 and he''s 38 and today I am 8 weeks pregnant. We''re both pretty nervous and apprehensive about this but he is an extreme worrier by nature. He''s recently divorced (only one year, but separated for more than two) with two small children.

His big fear is that he already has one broken home where he can''t be the father he wants to be - only Wednesday nights and every other weekend. Our limited relationship screams inexperience with the cards stacked against us where yet another broken family is statistically certain. I wish I could promise him everything will turn out great.... but I can''t. As much as I care for him six months, okay seven now, is not enough to know anything. I know where he''s coming from but right now life is what it is.

Some moments he seriously loses it. He can''t handle the idea of having two failed families. When he gets worked up like this I can think of nothing to say. Please, any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/24/2007 5:43:19 PM
Author:Starset Princess
I am seeking advice on how to ease my bf''s anxiety. We''re both pretty nervous and apprehensive about this but he is an extreme worrier by nature. Some moments he seriously loses it. He can''t handle the idea of having two failed families. When he gets worked up like this I can think of nothing to say.

Hmmmm. There''s very little you can do or say to change *his* perception of the situation ... or ease the anxiety of "an extreme worrier by nature". I''d say that is HARD-WIRED, biological anxiety .. only able to be treated effectively with a combo of talk therapy & medication. So I''d nudge him in that direction if possible.

In the meantime ..his language to himself, about himself is dramatic ... two "failed families" .. I''m not sure, but one thing *I* might try *in the moment* is to soften the language about the possible catastrophies he''s imagining. To try to re-paint the picture a bit??? Give him permission to be imperfect & live an imperfect life? Accept him *anyway* & point out other places you see people surviving with "imperfection"??

*hug*

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree with Deco. This seems to be how his brain works and I don''t think there is anything you can do or say that will change that. I think it is one of those things you learn about each other as time goes by. To me 7 months is a fairly short time to get to know each other. I am guessing this pregnancy was unplanned so he obviously needs time to adjust to the fact he is going to be a dad again and it isn''t his "perfect" senerio. What''s done is done and if you decide to have the baby you will need to work it out (one way or another your lives are now forever linked). Perhaps therapy would help. I think time to adjust is what he needs.

 

[Kaleigh]

Sounds like he''s stressed out. Therapy sounds like a good idea. He probably needs time to get used to the idea of a new baby and family. It happened quickly. Is he depressed?? Sort of sounds like it, can''t blame him after what he''s just been through. You''ll just have to show him that you love him and are supportive. I remember your other thread, and wanting to meet his kids, and how you wanted the best for them. Leading by example comes to mind. I hope all falls into place. It will take work and some time. Nothing happens over night. Hang in there, sending you a HUG!!!

 

[mrssalvo]

starset, i don''t have any real words of advice, only wanted to chime in and say that my hubby was married before with 2 kids. We just celebrated 7 years, we''ve got 2 kids and a third on the way. Yes, statisics are grim for 2nd marriages and nothing in life is 100% but try to get him to focus on the good things rather than just trying to think about what could go wrong. take it one day at a time and just try to enjoy and continue to get to know each other. You''ve still got 7 more months before the baby comes and that''s a lot of time to adjust and get used to the new idea of a baby and future with you. I''d say it''s ok for him to feel stressed and therapy might be good if he''s willing to go. I also think it''s great he''s even letting you know how he feels, many guys just keep in all inside leaving us wondering what''s wrong, did we do something etc. so at least he is talking it out. good luck though, we''re thinking of you.

 

[sunkist]

Starset, I''m very sorry that all of you are in this situation now. I can see why your boyfriend is so distraught. All 3 of his children are now in very hard positions, and it is because of his actions. I know you''re trying to help him, but what you 2 really need to be thinking about is the children. He has just left the lives of 2 innocent children and made a new family with you. It is going to make life very difficult for all of his kids if they don''t have their dad in their lives and know that he loves them and still takes care of them. He needs to focus on being near them and being a good dad to them. I think that will make him feel better by working with their mother as a team to still raise them even though they are divorced.

Are you two going to get married? Life needs to be made a stable as possible for your new child. You''ve only known him for 7 months. Do you know why his last marriage failed? Can he be a good husband and father?

You just have to start thinking about the solutions and then follow through with them. I think that''s the only way for him to get to feeling better about life. There are a lot of options out there and many could be the right way to go. Have you thought at all about adoption? It is a way to give this baby a loving home with a mother and father that are in the position to raise him. I know that is a difficult thing to think of, but giving the gift of a mother and father in the home to an unborn child is an amazing gift beyond words.

I hope you don''t get upset at anything I''ve said or suggested. I''m just looking at your situation and giving my insight. I hope it at least gets you two started thinking about how to solve these situations. Best wishes.

 

[FireGoddess]

I am a worrier sometimes. And I know that 99% of what we worry about never comes to fruition! I try to remember that when I get worked up about something.

I understand his concern but if he is obsessed about this, I can see it becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy, y''know? While it''s good to have a head on your shoulders and be concerned, it''s also good to keep that in perspective and live your life with optimism and the best of intentions...with actions to go along with ''em.

 

[janinegirly]

hmm, in a way i understand his concerns as i''m a worrier too.

to have a fresh divorce (1-2yrs ago is not long), a new relationship, and now a baby on the way? that is a lot to digest.
and for you too! you just got out of a very long term relationshp, and then new found independence, and then a new relationship and now a new baby before anything is concrete.

i think counseling is a good idea (can''t hurt) but also some very in depth conversations on what it is you both want out of this relationship. even though it''s only 6 mo''s, have you considered marriage or something long term (in your 30''s, 6 mo''s isn''t as fast tracked as it might be in your 20''s)? Meaninng is this new family an extension of something good and with long term permanence, or it a surprise that you''re both now having to deal with and back into (meaning it''s forcing you to consider big issues before some small ones were broached?).

i know i just answered your post with more questions, but there are some big issues here..ultimately i suppose i''m curious if this was accidental or planned...

 

[Erin]

Thank you for thinking about this for me.

I guess we are extremely different attitude personalities which can be our biggest asset in our relationship and what drives us crazy about the other. I am not a worrier, always positive. People don't know when I'm having a bad day. Everything will work out if you try. He calls it head in the clouds. How can I sit here and say everything's gonna be alright with nothing to base it on.

I don't know. Because I want it to and because I'll work hard at it. But he says he wants to be ready and make these decisions ourselves without having them made for us. Sure we've talked about marriage but not until after the baby. One thing at a time.

He of course cannot see anything positive coming from this. I know that the day he/she arrives he will be 'in' but there's a part of him that will always wonder 'what if we waited until it was the right time and we were certain' and I will always wonder 'is it okay that he doesn't want this to happen now, would it have been better if he did?'

Six months - of course this wasn't planned. But we have two schools of thought on this as well. He thinks we have options. I think, well this is the card we've been dealt - adapt.

I thought I was going to be happy about this. His way of thinking is making it near impossible. I'm so stressed out - but of course nobody can tell

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 9/25/2007 4:12:12 PM
Author: Starset Princess

I thought I was going to be happy about this. His way of thinking is making it near impossible. I''m so stressed out - but of course nobody can tell

LOL at that last line. But as far as the first two---this is the kind of thing I was getting at when talking about that ''self-fulfilling prophesy'' stuff. If he''s negative and doomy gloomy about what ifs a lot of the time...of course you can''t maintain a positive and happy outlook about things. It''s kinda damning things before they begin.

Could you bring this sort of thing up to him (if you haven''t already)...? Like, ''I''m excited and happy about the future but every time you talk about what ifs and bring the doom and gloom on it sucks the happiness out of things. Things may work out and things may not - but you worrying about them will not change how they turn out. However, the negative nelly stuff all the time makes me concerned that you''ve given up before we''ve begun - and that IS a problem.''

 

[Tacori E-ring]

SP, being preggo myself I know how emotional those hormones can make you. I cannot imagine what you are going through and am very sorry. Sounds like you might have to deal with the reality of being a single parent. I guess there is always that chance for EVERYONE but you cannot force him to be happy. Like I said before I think therapy is your best bet. Maybe some distance (absense makes the heart grow fonder). You need to make it CLEAR that not only do you want this baby but you are excited. Hopefully he will come around during these next 7 months.

 

[poptart]

Date: 9/24/2007 8:16:24 PM
Author: sunkist
Starset, I''m very sorry that all of you are in this situation now. I can see why your boyfriend is so distraught. All 3 of his children are now in very hard positions, and it is because of his actions. I know you''re trying to help him, but what you 2 really need to be thinking about is the children. He has just left the lives of 2 innocent children and made a new family with you. It is going to make life very difficult for all of his kids if they don''t have their dad in their lives and know that he loves them and still takes care of them. He needs to focus on being near them and being a good dad to them. I think that will make him feel better by working with their mother as a team to still raise them even though they are divorced.


Are you two going to get married? Life needs to be made a stable as possible for your new child. You''ve only known him for 7 months. Do you know why his last marriage failed? Can he be a good husband and father?


You just have to start thinking about the solutions and then follow through with them. I think that''s the only way for him to get to feeling better about life. There are a lot of options out there and many could be the right way to go. Have you thought at all about adoption? It is a way to give this baby a loving home with a mother and father that are in the position to raise him. I know that is a difficult thing to think of, but giving the gift of a mother and father in the home to an unborn child is an amazing gift beyond words.


I hope you don''t get upset at anything I''ve said or suggested. I''m just looking at your situation and giving my insight. I hope it at least gets you two started thinking about how to solve these situations. Best wishes.

I have to say I agree quite a bit with this post. There is so much happening all at once for the two of you. I think there are actually a lot of options in this situation as well, and adoption could be a great route if it just becomes too much closer to delivery. I am adopted, so I always think that it''s a possible choice. My mom is also a single mom, so that is an option as well if he just doesn''t turn out to be what you need him to be in terms of a husband and father. But I agree with others who have suggested counseling as a first source of help. I also have to say that I am a worrier as well, so I understand his thinking; but I am also of the mind that once we have fretted about things it is time to take action in order to make sure things turn out the way you want them to!

*M*

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/25/2007 4:12:12 PM
Author: Starset Princess
I am not a worrier, always positive. People don''t know when I''m having a bad day.

I thought I was going to be happy about this. His way of thinking is making it near impossible. I''m so stressed out - but of course nobody can tell

These two sentences LEAP out at me. It sounds to me like you''re in denial & not in touch with your real emotions. Its okay & very human to be scared & upset about his reaction & disappointed & angry & stressed. You seem proud that you can keep it all inside. Trust me: that is NOT helping you. It will rot you at your core ... maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow ... but one day you will be too tired to keep it all hidden & even get physically ill.

PLEASE go talk to a professional. You need back up. You need someone you CAN sift through your MIXED emotions with and FAST.

He says you have options. You do. He may not be able to handle this & be a partner to you or a father to another child. Or, after seeing how he deals with a stressful situation & how you deal together, you may RIGHTFULLY decide he''s not the partner for you. He would, however, always be the father of that child.

There''s a difference between dealing with the situation & "adapting" ... and romanticizing fate''s fortune. Get Real. Real Fast. And get help.

 

[onedrop]

Starset (I always want to call you by your "real" name), I understand your quandry. In my marriage I am the worrier and my husband is the eternal optimist. Not that I am always negative but I do find myself worrying about the future more than my husband. However over time after being with him and influenced by his positivity I find myself become more of a cock-eyed optimist. But this happened only over a long period of time. While I do think there is some merit in there being opposite dynamics in a relationship, it sounds like the differences are separating you or are threatening to separate you.

That said, my heart goes out to you because yours is a difficult position to be in. There are several factors making it difficult, which have already been listed here.

You''ve got a long road ahead of you both personally and as a couple. There isn''t a lot of time for "let''s wait and see what happens." Maybe a starting point is to ask yourself whether his *worrier* personality is going to be something you can deal with in the long run. Another question (please forgive if it''s harsh) but isn''t this time before the baby comes supposed to be for taking care of yourself and preparing for it''s arrival? I dunno, I could say a lot, but I think this situation calls for more of a professional opinion. All that said, I wish you the VERY best as you try and get through this difficult time.

 

[sunkist]

Date: 9/25/2007 4:12:12 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Thank you for thinking about this for me.


I guess we are extremely different attitude personalities which can be our biggest asset in our relationship and what drives us crazy about the other. I am not a worrier, always positive. People don't know when I'm having a bad day. Everything will work out if you try. He calls it head in the clouds. How can I sit here and say everything's gonna be alright with nothing to base it on.


I don't know. Because I want it to and because I'll work hard at it. But he says he wants to be ready and make these decisions ourselves without having them made for us. Sure we've talked about marriage but not until after the baby. One thing at a time.


He of course cannot see anything positive coming from this. I know that the day he/she arrives he will be 'in' but there's a part of him that will always wonder 'what if we waited until it was the right time and we were certain' and I will always wonder 'is it okay that he doesn't want this to happen now, would it have been better if he did?'


Six months - of course this wasn't planned. But we have two schools of thought on this as well. He thinks we have options. I think, well this is the card we've been dealt - adapt.


I thought I was going to be happy about this. His way of thinking is making it near impossible. I'm so stressed out - but of course nobody can tell

Hi Starset, it sounds like at the moment you are on board with raising this baby and he's not. It sounds like you are ready to change your life and raise this baby doing whatever you have to to make sure the child is taken care of and loved. That is great. He on the other hand he is not on board, and may or may not come around. Yes, he will always be the father of this child and needs to be treated and act as such, but you can't make him do anything.

Get going on the journey you've chosen. Focus on being a healthy mother so you can raise a healthy, happy baby. You are a single mother. That is life as you've chosen it, so get going on that path! As for him, let him know that if he decides to marry you and make a family, or if he decides to live next door to you as a single man and help raise this child, or what ever he chooses just let him know that your door is always open to him because you chose to take a chance at making this baby with him and he is this child's father.

It seems like he can't deal with this now, but if you've decided to keep this baby and not do adoption you can't wait for him. You don't want this baby to be a downer. Start being a happy pregnant mommy. And who knows, doing that just may help him make up his mind!

 

[Erin]

Date: 9/25/2007 7:28:48 PM
Author: decodelighted

It sounds to me like you''re in denial & not in touch with your real emotions. Its okay & very human to be scared & upset about his reaction & disappointed & angry & stressed. You seem proud that you can keep it all inside.

Just wanted to clarify I am well aware of my true emotions and he sees them and my best friend sees them. By no means am I even capable of keeping it inside. It''s just that no one can see and no one knows we''re pregnant so it''s best I sort this out with the people who care about me. I still have roles to play in life and I can''t let this affect everything right now. My job demands that I be the happy entertainer everyday. I said no one can tell almost as a joke...

 

[janinegirly]

i''m going to throw in my viewpoint.and hopefully it wont'' offend..l.

i think it''s kind of unfair to label the bf as having a "worrier" personaility as if it''s a flaw. I too am a "worrier" but a more suitable descrption would be "realist." I like to know what to expect and analyse everything before entering into any major decisions/life choices. Usually, I''m pretty accurate in my choices (not always)---not because of luck of the draw, but because of careful thought.
So it seems that in this case it''s not so much a personality clash of "positive" vs. "negative" outlooks, but more about the fact that you DO want this child (and therefore are very positive that everything will be fine) and your bf is not at all sure. And his reasoning for not being sure is actually understandable--he''s just come out of a divorce with kids and this relationship is very new..so yea, if it doesn''t make it..he''s not in a good position at all with choices made in short periods of time that will affect the rest of his life. All I''m saying is I can understand his hesitation, and he is part of the equation so his concerns do carry weight. So to me it''s more a question of finding out IF he wants this child and if not, how will you handle it. To me it''s not so much about relieving his anxiety which gives the impression that hes'' somehow being irrational.

JMHO

 

[Erin]

it's not so much a personality clash of 'positive' vs. 'negative' outlooks, but more about the fact that you DO want this child and your bf is not at all sure. he is part of the equation so his concerns do carry weight. So to me it's more a question of finding out IF he wants this child and if not, how will you handle it. To me it's not so much about relieving his anxiety which gives the impression that hes' somehow being irrational.

I totally agree with you. It's hard for me to feel the weight of his concerns because I am hard wired to react differently. So it's hard for me to know how to react to him. I just see him in so much blood pressure raising anxiety when we talk about it that I don't know what to do. I don't think he's being irrational - I do see why this upsets him. I've just been so uncertain as to how to put two people's attitudes into a common agreeable outcome. We both feel so strongly about things and we both understand the other's point of view. But it doesn't mean either of us want to concede our stance.

I've read a lot of good thought provoking comments on this read. I really do appreciate your input. I feel like I understand his realistic outlook better and now have a better idea on how future conversations should go - from my side.

Thank you all

 

[anchor31]

It''s nice to see you again, Starset!

Those kind of situations are difficult... A girl I know went through something similar two years ago. She became pregnant after dating only for a few months, in a not too stable relationship that started out as an affair (thankfully it''s not your case). The guy wanted her to abort but she refused. They''re still together now, their son is 18 months old, but from what she tells me I know her boyfriend is not happy and would not be with her if it wasn''t for the child. The saddest part is that she tells me those things but she doesn''t see (or doesn''t want to) how miserable he is. Much like my FI''s mother, she''d rather have a crappy relationship than none.

If your BF is not on board with you on this (his calling his relationship with you and your child a "failed family" doesn''t bode very well...), would you be ready to be a single mother and raise your child on your own?

Before it comes to this, though, I do recommend therapy for yourself and for your couple.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Erin]

Not looking so good.
Light bleeding for the last three days in my 10th week. Going to see a doctor this afternoon. Ectopic?
Something doesn''t seem right.

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 10/12/2007 11:16:33 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Not looking so good.

Light bleeding for the last three days in my 10th week. Going to see a doctor this afternoon. Ectopic?

Something doesn''t seem right.

starset, very good thing you''re going to the doc. It''s my understanding that ectopics are usually very painful so if it''s just light bleeding that may not be it but could be something else. it''s best to just get checked out. please let us know what happens.

 

[chrono]

Starset,
I hope you''re seeing the doctor later today. Some women tend to bleed a little but most don''t. I hope everything will be all right.

 

[lili]

Starset, hope everything checks out ok.

 

[sunkist]

Oh dear, Starset. I hope everything is ok. Wishing you and baby health~

 

[mrssalvo]

starset...just checking in on you....

 

[E B]

You''re in my thoughts, starset.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

How are you doing starset? I''m thinking of you!

 

[anchor31]

I hope you and the baby are doing well. You''re in my prayers.

 

[snlee]

Starset, I hope you and baby are okay.

 

[Erin]

Well, pregnancy lost at 11 weeks. Once the symptoms starting happening I thought I could do it on my own. But yesterday I went to the ER. They scheduled me for a DNC but I ended up getting through it by myself anyway. The nurse said, at 11 weeks if you can get through this you can get through labor pains when the time is right. So now I guess I know what to kind of expect?

Emotionally and physically fine. All that uncertainty from my bf, my own feelings of jeesh I wish I was married or at least living with this guy or at least my Mom has met him more than once.... It has been easy to accept. Plus, supposedly the body won''t let a pregnancy go to term if there is something inherently wrong so for that I am thankful.

I know it will happen for me again - at the right time. Now, gimmie a strong cup of coffee!