fleur-de-lis|1333251694|3161025 said:How often do you and your DH spend time with them? How often during those times does your DH and FIL go off on their own and you are left to your own devices with SMIL, and for how long do those lovely periods of girl alone time last?
chemgirl|1333252167|3161032 said:fleur-de-lis|1333251694|3161025 said:How often do you and your DH spend time with them? How often during those times does your DH and FIL go off on their own and you are left to your own devices with SMIL, and for how long do those lovely periods of girl alone time last?
We see them about once per month and we sleep over since they live about 2 hour drive away. I average about 5 hours alone with SMIL pr visit. There is always some sort of man project that FIL needs help on.
Gypsy|1333252618|3161036 said:chemgirl|1333252167|3161032 said:fleur-de-lis|1333251694|3161025 said:How often do you and your DH spend time with them? How often during those times does your DH and FIL go off on their own and you are left to your own devices with SMIL, and for how long do those lovely periods of girl alone time last?
We see them about once per month and we sleep over since they live about 2 hour drive away. I average about 5 hours alone with SMIL pr visit. There is always some sort of man project that FIL needs help on.
Start taking her out. Distraction! Seriously. Take her shopping for something, take her to a museum, go to the grocery store, rent a movie if you are home, or better yet GO to a movie.
Get pedicures. Bring a magazine with lots of pictures to talk about.
If you have to spend time with her limit conversation with distraction. You can keep conversation to MUCH more superficial topics (what do you think of that top, isn't that a cute dog, don't you just love Reese Witherspoon in comedies?)
chemgirl|1333232236|3160815 said:See goofy I like. I think you'd make a great MIL!
In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.
Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!
chemgirl|1333252962|3161038 said:Gypsy|1333252618|3161036 said:chemgirl|1333252167|3161032 said:fleur-de-lis|1333251694|3161025 said:How often do you and your DH spend time with them? How often during those times does your DH and FIL go off on their own and you are left to your own devices with SMIL, and for how long do those lovely periods of girl alone time last?
We see them about once per month and we sleep over since they live about 2 hour drive away. I average about 5 hours alone with SMIL pr visit. There is always some sort of man project that FIL needs help on.
Start taking her out. Distraction! Seriously. Take her shopping for something, take her to a museum, go to the grocery store, rent a movie if you are home, or better yet GO to a movie.
Get pedicures. Bring a magazine with lots of pictures to talk about.
If you have to spend time with her limit conversation with distraction. You can keep conversation to MUCH more superficial topics (what do you think of that top, isn't that a cute dog, don't you just love Reese Witherspoon in comedies?)
I wish I could! They live in a religious trailer park in the middle of nowhere. Its a 45 minute drive to get groceries and that's even in a town with population under 5k.
I like your idea of using superficial topics. I will have to try that one out! I also love the flowers instead of a visit!
Gypsy|1333253433|3161039 said:chemgirl|1333232236|3160815 said:See goofy I like. I think you'd make a great MIL!
In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.
Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!
First problem here: WHY are you spending time with them on DH's birthday. He's not 5, he can do birthdays without his parents. I haven't celebrated a birthday with my parents in...15 years? Maybe more? Seriously. Same with DH.
Sounds like you guys need to redefine special occasions that qualify for parental time. Start with things that they NEED to be there for. Christmas, passover, easter. THEIR birthdays.
We're not invited to any of their holiday celebrations so its not an issue. She has a son from a previous marriage so they do holidays. Her son has suggested that we do them together but she shoots it down. He's 40 and she still bakes him a cake and buys him presents for his birthday. DH mentioned that it bothers him that they don't even call him on his so I invited them over this year. They declined because they were busy. I was annoyed that they called to say they'd changed their mind and made such a big deal about seeing him on his birthday, only to find out that their lunch plans fell through and what they wanted was a free meal. DH was definitely bothered by it. Anyway, I see your point and I won't try that one again.
I haven't visited my mom on her birthday in ages. I send her flowers. It says "I'm thinking of you" without my actually having to be there. Ya know?
Who cares about the bill. Think of money spent and stress relief. Redefine that too. Spending money on them to lower your stress is worth it. Take them out more. She can't be as catty if you are in public.
Her dog. This is about boundaries. I just do NOT understand this. And it's NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. This is something Dh needs to be FIRM with his DAD about. Dad, she cannot bring her dog anymore. If the dog has to come: have DH ask you FIL for his credit card information and tell him that in the future you guys will be happy to make the reservations for the kennel.
Why is the woman even going to your mom's house? My mother in law has been to my mom's exactly ONCE. My mother has been to my mother in laws house ONCE. That's it. If we want our parents to get together we take them out. Seriously.
This one was a boatload of crazy. They invited us over one weekend and we declined because we had plans to visit my parents at their vacation property. For some reason SMIL books flights, a rental car, and a fancy resort in the same city without telling us. We find out about it when their credit card is declined at the hotel. They called us at my parents' place and asked for our help. We booked them in to a motel and my parents suggested inviting them over for dinner. Its not going to happen again.
Sounds like you guys are a big part of the problem. You need better team work.
The Vegetarian thing? Frankly your DH's problem. Why are you cooking for his diet. He's a BIG BOY. If it's important for him to not eat meat have him figure out how to manage it. Seriously. Take out plus your DH cooking. AND AGAIN: Take them out. To a vegetarian restaurant. Or Pizza. Seriously.
PLUS, one of these days when you are invited to their house have your DH SAY NO with this reason: "Dad, I'm a vegetarian and FMIL doesn't respect that. Frankly, I don't want to deal with that this weekend so we're going to stay here where I can eat stress free." That will actually put a boundary in place with your FIL. Next time he invites you he will have to think about DH's diet.
You're right, he needs to deal with his own dietary restrictions. I think I just read too much in to this issue. She loves bacon and throws it in everything (even things that would otherwise be veggie) so I see it as a big F off to DH. In reality she probably just wants the bacon.
chemgirl|1333258641|3161058 said:Thanks for the verbal thrashing (seriously). Its good to see the simple solutions spelled out like that. Most of these issues arrise and then we try to make sure they don't happen again.
aljdewey|1333318172|3161354 said:chemgirl|1333258641|3161058 said:Thanks for the verbal thrashing (seriously). Its good to see the simple solutions spelled out like that. Most of these issues arrise and then we try to make sure they don't happen again.
I'd fully support all of Gyspy's excellent suggestions as a rule, but having lived with an alcoholic parent, I can assure you that many of the suggestions that would apply to unaltered people may miss the mark considerably for an alcoholic.
Alcoholics have no filter at all when it comes to misbehaving in public; the thought of making a scene in public isn't a deterrent to most of them at all. I cannot even fathom trying to engage my mom in knitting while she was drunk, and the only thing worse than trying to manage her at home was trying to manage her in public. Normal rules don't much apply to them.
I disagree that alcoholic's cannot change - my mom has been sober for more than 21 years now and we are now unbelievably close. However, that change will only come if she acknowledges that she has a problem and needs help. You can't bully her to it, guilt her, goad her, or anything else. Until she reaches that point, all you can do is what I did - limit contact.
I know your DH wants a relationship with his dad, but for me, that means he has to have a frank conversation with Dad saying "look, I love you and you're incredibly important to me. So, too, is my wife, and she's incredibly uncomfortable at having to spend time with (SMIL) in given the drinking issue. Is there some room for us to schedule "boys time" together where I can just meet you and we can spend a couple hours without requiring the women to entertain each other?"
I know it's a tough conversation to have; I've had it with my father, and it sucked. But, he loved me, he understood, he appreciated that I didn't just give up on my relationship with him, and we found ways to meet for dinner or whatever. SMIL isn't your problem, and she isn't even DH's problem. FIL married her, and he knows the score. It's up to him to manage it and say "Oh, I'm going out with Mr. Chemgirl for a round of golf; Chemgirl had plans already, so you have the afternoon to yourself to treat to a spa or something." It's up to him (FIL) to spin it and manage it.
What book?movie zombie|1333338337|3161532 said:almost a direct quote from the book, gypsy!