Advice on how to deal with annoying inlaws

[Kunzite]

That's fantastic to hear! I was worried your DH wouldn't take things that far for fear of losing his father, I'm glad to hear that's not the case. Good luck!

 

[Gypsy]

My DH has annoying in laws.

How we deal with it: As a team.

I have had to learn that my boundaries with my parents are key in helping us both deal with them. It's not his job to set boundaries it's mine.

We keep contact to around once a month. And that's for me. For him it's once every two months or so. All special occasions he is there, but we limit interaction on 'more casual events.

It is MUCH better to take my parents out than to have them over. They can't comment on the cats or the house or anything else if we go out. Conversations about a variety of more personal subjects are therefore just removed. This is huge.

If we do have them over it is for brunch or lunch. Same with going over there. Not dinner. Dinner is bad because we have all day to stress, so we waste the whole day on it, then it's at night and when they leave there isn't time to unwind and relax. Brunch and Lunch are much less formal, shorter (no wine/appetizers and dessert is short if it happens) AND after they are over we have time AWAY from the parents to unwind and relax before bed. This makes the day end on a good note. And it helps a lot.

Text them occassionally. I know this is weird but sending mom or dad a thoughtful text extend the time between phone calls and visits. Lets her know I'm thinking about her without my actually having to TALK to her and engage in discourse.

Send thoughtful gifts for special ocassions instead of visiting. My DH would much rather spend 100 bucks on a present for my parents than to spend time with them. So for their birthdays and stuff like that, instead of GTG I say, "I know you two have plans already, but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you." And sent flowers or something else. The money spent is worth the peace of mind.

 

[chemgirl]

How often do you and your DH spend time with them? How often during those times does your DH and FIL go off on their own and you are left to your own devices with SMIL, and for how long do those lovely periods of girl alone time last?

We see them about once per month and we sleep over since they live about 2 hour drive away. I average about 5 hours alone with SMIL pr visit. There is always some sort of man project that FIL needs help on.

 

[Gypsy]

How often do you and your DH spend time with them? How often during those times does your DH and FIL go off on their own and you are left to your own devices with SMIL, and for how long do those lovely periods of girl alone time last?

We see them about once per month and we sleep over since they live about 2 hour drive away. I average about 5 hours alone with SMIL pr visit. There is always some sort of man project that FIL needs help on.

Start taking her out. Distraction! Seriously. Take her shopping for something, take her to a museum, go to the grocery store, rent a movie if you are home, or better yet GO to a movie.

Get pedicures. Bring a magazine with lots of pictures to talk about.

If you have to spend time with her limit conversation with distraction. You can keep conversation to MUCH more superficial topics (what do you think of that top, isn't that a cute dog, don't you just love Reese Witherspoon in comedies?)

 

[chemgirl]

How often do you and your DH spend time with them? How often during those times does your DH and FIL go off on their own and you are left to your own devices with SMIL, and for how long do those lovely periods of girl alone time last?

We see them about once per month and we sleep over since they live about 2 hour drive away. I average about 5 hours alone with SMIL pr visit. There is always some sort of man project that FIL needs help on.

Start taking her out. Distraction! Seriously. Take her shopping for something, take her to a museum, go to the grocery store, rent a movie if you are home, or better yet GO to a movie.

Get pedicures. Bring a magazine with lots of pictures to talk about.

If you have to spend time with her limit conversation with distraction. You can keep conversation to MUCH more superficial topics (what do you think of that top, isn't that a cute dog, don't you just love Reese Witherspoon in comedies?)

I wish I could! They live in a religious trailer park in the middle of nowhere. Its a 45 minute drive to get groceries and that's even in a town with population under 5k.

I like your idea of using superficial topics. I will have to try that one out! I also love the flowers instead of a visit!

 

[Gypsy]

See goofy I like. I think you'd make a great MIL!

In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.

Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!

First problem here: WHY are you spending time with them on DH's birthday. He's not 5, he can do birthdays without his parents. I haven't celebrated a birthday with my parents in...15 years? Maybe more? Seriously. Same with DH.

Sounds like you guys need to redefine special occasions that qualify for parental time. Start with things that they NEED to be there for. Christmas, passover, easter. THEIR birthdays.

I haven't visited my mom on her birthday in ages. I send her flowers. It says "I'm thinking of you" without my actually having to be there. Ya know?

Who cares about the bill. Think of money spent and stress relief. Redefine that too. Spending money on them to lower your stress is worth it. Take them out more. She can't be as catty if you are in public.

Her dog. This is about boundaries. I just do NOT understand this. And it's NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. This is something Dh needs to be FIRM with his DAD about. Dad, she cannot bring her dog anymore. If the dog has to come: have DH ask you FIL for his credit card information and tell him that in the future you guys will be happy to make the reservations for the kennel.

Why is the woman even going to your mom's house? My mother in law has been to my mom's exactly ONCE. My mother has been to my mother in laws house ONCE. That's it. If we want our parents to get together we take them out. Seriously.

Sounds like you guys are a big part of the problem. You need better team work.

The Vegetarian thing? Frankly your DH's problem. Why are you cooking for his diet. He's a BIG BOY. If it's important for him to not eat meat have him figure out how to manage it. Seriously. Take out plus your DH cooking. AND AGAIN: Take them out. To a vegetarian restaurant. Or Pizza. Seriously.

PLUS, one of these days when you are invited to their house have your DH SAY NO with this reason: "Dad, I'm a vegetarian and FMIL doesn't respect that. Frankly, I don't want to deal with that this weekend so we're going to stay here where I can eat stress free." That will actually put a boundary in place with your FIL. Next time he invites you he will have to think about DH's diet.

 

[Gypsy]

How often do you and your DH spend time with them? How often during those times does your DH and FIL go off on their own and you are left to your own devices with SMIL, and for how long do those lovely periods of girl alone time last?

We see them about once per month and we sleep over since they live about 2 hour drive away. I average about 5 hours alone with SMIL pr visit. There is always some sort of man project that FIL needs help on.

Start taking her out. Distraction! Seriously. Take her shopping for something, take her to a museum, go to the grocery store, rent a movie if you are home, or better yet GO to a movie.

Get pedicures. Bring a magazine with lots of pictures to talk about.

If you have to spend time with her limit conversation with distraction. You can keep conversation to MUCH more superficial topics (what do you think of that top, isn't that a cute dog, don't you just love Reese Witherspoon in comedies?)

I wish I could! They live in a religious trailer park in the middle of nowhere. Its a 45 minute drive to get groceries and that's even in a town with population under 5k.

I like your idea of using superficial topics. I will have to try that one out! I also love the flowers instead of a visit!

Netflicks. Bring movies to their house. Magazines. Start knitting and get her some yarn and some needles and tell her you think that it would be fun to knit together. Spend time looking at knitting magazines. Or needlepoint. Something that gives you a topic in common, that IS NOT personal, and wastes time.

Bring a book and tell her you want some alone time to catch up on your reading. Get in the car, go to a field, meadow, sidewalk, tree... who cares? And read for a while.

 

[chemgirl]

See goofy I like. I think you'd make a great MIL!

In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.

Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!

First problem here: WHY are you spending time with them on DH's birthday. He's not 5, he can do birthdays without his parents. I haven't celebrated a birthday with my parents in...15 years? Maybe more? Seriously. Same with DH.

Sounds like you guys need to redefine special occasions that qualify for parental time. Start with things that they NEED to be there for. Christmas, passover, easter. THEIR birthdays.

We're not invited to any of their holiday celebrations so its not an issue. She has a son from a previous marriage so they do holidays. Her son has suggested that we do them together but she shoots it down. He's 40 and she still bakes him a cake and buys him presents for his birthday. DH mentioned that it bothers him that they don't even call him on his so I invited them over this year. They declined because they were busy. I was annoyed that they called to say they'd changed their mind and made such a big deal about seeing him on his birthday, only to find out that their lunch plans fell through and what they wanted was a free meal. DH was definitely bothered by it. Anyway, I see your point and I won't try that one again.

I haven't visited my mom on her birthday in ages. I send her flowers. It says "I'm thinking of you" without my actually having to be there. Ya know?

Who cares about the bill. Think of money spent and stress relief. Redefine that too. Spending money on them to lower your stress is worth it. Take them out more. She can't be as catty if you are in public.

Her dog. This is about boundaries. I just do NOT understand this. And it's NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. This is something Dh needs to be FIRM with his DAD about. Dad, she cannot bring her dog anymore. If the dog has to come: have DH ask you FIL for his credit card information and tell him that in the future you guys will be happy to make the reservations for the kennel.

Why is the woman even going to your mom's house? My mother in law has been to my mom's exactly ONCE. My mother has been to my mother in laws house ONCE. That's it. If we want our parents to get together we take them out. Seriously.

This one was a boatload of crazy. They invited us over one weekend and we declined because we had plans to visit my parents at their vacation property. For some reason SMIL books flights, a rental car, and a fancy resort in the same city without telling us. We find out about it when their credit card is declined at the hotel. They called us at my parents' place and asked for our help. We booked them in to a motel and my parents suggested inviting them over for dinner. Its not going to happen again.

Sounds like you guys are a big part of the problem. You need better team work.

The Vegetarian thing? Frankly your DH's problem. Why are you cooking for his diet. He's a BIG BOY. If it's important for him to not eat meat have him figure out how to manage it. Seriously. Take out plus your DH cooking. AND AGAIN: Take them out. To a vegetarian restaurant. Or Pizza. Seriously.

PLUS, one of these days when you are invited to their house have your DH SAY NO with this reason: "Dad, I'm a vegetarian and FMIL doesn't respect that. Frankly, I don't want to deal with that this weekend so we're going to stay here where I can eat stress free." That will actually put a boundary in place with your FIL. Next time he invites you he will have to think about DH's diet.

You're right, he needs to deal with his own dietary restrictions. I think I just read too much in to this issue. She loves bacon and throws it in everything (even things that would otherwise be veggie) so I see it as a big F off to DH. In reality she probably just wants the bacon.

Thanks for the verbal thrashing (seriously). Its good to see the simple solutions spelled out like that. Most of these issues arrise and then we try to make sure they don't happen again.

 

[soocool]

One word of advice is don't less them stress you out. For me it was so bad that it seriously affected my health. We ended all ties with them 2 years ago!

 

[movie zombie]

Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-In-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853
you need to read this.

your husband needs to read this:
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1

then exchange books....

hubby and i did this....he read the one re toxic parents so quickly that he was able to hand it to a flight attendant when we landed who had noticed him reading and wanted to know what it was. when she saw the title, she said she needed to read it. he finished the book and gave it to her.

 

[aljdewey]

Thanks for the verbal thrashing (seriously). Its good to see the simple solutions spelled out like that. Most of these issues arrise and then we try to make sure they don't happen again.

I'd fully support all of Gyspy's excellent suggestions as a rule, but having lived with an alcoholic parent, I can assure you that many of the suggestions that would apply to unaltered people may miss the mark considerably for an alcoholic.

Alcoholics have no filter at all when it comes to misbehaving in public; the thought of making a scene in public isn't a deterrent to most of them at all. I cannot even fathom trying to engage my mom in knitting while she was drunk, and the only thing worse than trying to manage her at home was trying to manage her in public. Normal rules don't much apply to them.

I disagree that alcoholic's cannot change - my mom has been sober for more than 21 years now and we are now unbelievably close. However, that change will only come if she acknowledges that she has a problem and needs help. You can't bully her to it, guilt her, goad her, or anything else. Until she reaches that point, all you can do is what I did - limit contact.

I know your DH wants a relationship with his dad, but for me, that means he has to have a frank conversation with Dad saying "look, I love you and you're incredibly important to me. So, too, is my wife, and she's incredibly uncomfortable at having to spend time with (SMIL) in given the drinking issue. Is there some room for us to schedule "boys time" together where I can just meet you and we can spend a couple hours without requiring the women to entertain each other?"

I know it's a tough conversation to have; I've had it with my father, and it sucked. But, he loved me, he understood, he appreciated that I didn't just give up on my relationship with him, and we found ways to meet for dinner or whatever. SMIL isn't your problem, and she isn't even DH's problem. FIL married her, and he knows the score. It's up to him to manage it and say "Oh, I'm going out with Mr. Chemgirl for a round of golf; Chemgirl had plans already, so you have the afternoon to yourself to treat to a spa or something." It's up to him (FIL) to spin it and manage it.

 

[Gypsy]

Thanks for the verbal thrashing (seriously). Its good to see the simple solutions spelled out like that. Most of these issues arrise and then we try to make sure they don't happen again.

I'd fully support all of Gyspy's excellent suggestions as a rule, but having lived with an alcoholic parent, I can assure you that many of the suggestions that would apply to unaltered people may miss the mark considerably for an alcoholic.

Alcoholics have no filter at all when it comes to misbehaving in public; the thought of making a scene in public isn't a deterrent to most of them at all. I cannot even fathom trying to engage my mom in knitting while she was drunk, and the only thing worse than trying to manage her at home was trying to manage her in public. Normal rules don't much apply to them.

I disagree that alcoholic's cannot change - my mom has been sober for more than 21 years now and we are now unbelievably close. However, that change will only come if she acknowledges that she has a problem and needs help. You can't bully her to it, guilt her, goad her, or anything else. Until she reaches that point, all you can do is what I did - limit contact.

I know your DH wants a relationship with his dad, but for me, that means he has to have a frank conversation with Dad saying "look, I love you and you're incredibly important to me. So, too, is my wife, and she's incredibly uncomfortable at having to spend time with (SMIL) in given the drinking issue. Is there some room for us to schedule "boys time" together where I can just meet you and we can spend a couple hours without requiring the women to entertain each other?"

I know it's a tough conversation to have; I've had it with my father, and it sucked. But, he loved me, he understood, he appreciated that I didn't just give up on my relationship with him, and we found ways to meet for dinner or whatever. SMIL isn't your problem, and she isn't even DH's problem. FIL married her, and he knows the score. It's up to him to manage it and say "Oh, I'm going out with Mr. Chemgirl for a round of golf; Chemgirl had plans already, so you have the afternoon to yourself to treat to a spa or something." It's up to him (FIL) to spin it and manage it.

Very good advice. I think it's time for DH to put his big boy pants on. I know it's hard, but... it's time.

And you are welcome.

 

[movie zombie]

almost a direct quote from the book, gypsy!

 

[Gypsy]

almost a direct quote from the book, gypsy!

What book?

 

[Enerchi]

Ouch, chemgirl, that's rough.

I'm with iLander - get to Al-Anon. Or cruise thru their website for some quick links. At this point, FIL and DH are enabling your SMIL because they see there is either no hope to change her or it's easier to ignore (read - enable) than to address it. Once something changes, something changes. Basic physics. To them, the known is easier than the unknown - which you, one who is not enmeshed in this dynamic - is able to face and rise to that challenge.

Only you can handle how you deal with SMIL. They have to travel their own path as does she. If you set limits on what you will tolerate, that's perfect. I agree with the idea of letting the men have their father son time and just not get involved. Your DH understands where you are coming from and he seems to be expressing some agreement to that. FIL is probably so swallowed up and lost in how his world has now turned around... he has his own issues about how he can not deal with it. I'd actually feel sorry for the man. He probably hates the situation as much as you do, but because that's his wife, he's now choosing not to rock the boat. Consequences for him are higher than for you.

I wish you strength Chemgirl. This is rough. I had a similar situation a bazillion years ago with a long term BF pre DH. It was the father who was the full blown alcoholic and the mother was way too over the top by immersing herself WAY TOO FAR in her kids lives. It was hellish... so I can empathize with your situation.

Put yourself first in these contacts. You can not control people, places or things. Just do what you can do to make yourself get thru these contacts and if it is not being there ---- that's the best option.

 

[QueenB29]

I'm late to the party, so I all I'll say about the two pages of posts is: You've gotten some good advice and I completely understand how a lot of you feel. Seeing her once a month is way too much and for your own sanity, you have to limit contact!

My MIL is a narcissistic alcoholic and probably has bipolar disorder. She has said and done some horrible things to me, and repeatedly tried to break DH and I up. I never, ever engage because she'll use anything I say or do as ammunition against me. As far as I'm concerned, it's my DH's responsibility to deal with her and stand up for me. He hasn't always been good about doing this, and it's caused the only massive fights we've had, but I eventually beat it into his head (just a figure of speech ) that the "for better or worse" part of marriage does not mean that I have to put up with constant disrespect.

Finally, after years of insults, MIL accused me of faking a painful chronic health condition that has drastically affected my life. I was done. I told DH that I would see her at public "family" occasions and be polite, but that I would never, ever go to her house again. I would also never hang out with her alone again while DH and FIL did "guy" stuff. DH ended up visiting his parents (who live about three hours away, thank God) without me a few times.

DH and his parents are now estranged for a reason that has nothing to do with me, so it's currently a moot point, but if I were you, that's how I'd handle it. There isn't any reason your DH can't go visit his father and stepmonster ( ) alone.

 

[movie zombie]

gypsy, see my post of 4/1 at 1155........two books w/links.

 

[AdiS]

I feel for you, really. Inlaws can sometimes play a much bigger role in your life and marriage than they're meant to... and rarely in a good way.

I've had a problematic relationship with mine pretty much from the get-go. I don't want to get into details, I'll just say they tried to persuade DH to call our engagement off... on the night of our engagement party, while I was in the other room, entertaining their side of the family. Yeah, they're classy like that.

So, what we did - DH and I set boundaries. Boundaries that we're both comfortable with. That's the hardest part and sometimes it can take years to balance your points of view, but once you have that in place, it's easy. For us, it's visiting them for their birthdays and 2-3 big holidays. Not more often than once every couple months, and we're not spending more than 3 hours with them per visit.

Right now, you're obviously really, really not comfortable with your DH's idea of relationship with his family and "boundaries". Straighten it out with him; once you have a united front, the rest is easy.

 

[distracts]

This is going to sound harsh, but I wouldn't care all too much about seeing a FIL who is too much of a baby too stand up to his wife in order to see his own son. Because at the end of the day, your SMIL is HIS problem, not yours, and not your husband's. He married her, and if he is too invested in keeping the status quo rather than doing something maybe she's not okay with in order to see his son, that's on him. It is his choice to enable her, and his enabling to some extent prevents her from realizing she has a problem. Which she does. It sounds like more than one. If she is as disrespectful and troublesome as you say, there is no reason for you to have her over to your house, and no reason for you to visit them. If the father comes over alone, fine, and if your husband visits them, fine. But if the situation is so miserable for you as it sounds, you need to put your foot down. If your FIL is not willing to work out a way to still have contact, well, why does your DH even want to have contact with someone who cares so little for him? At that point, all you can say is that you'd like to have contact but are unwilling to make ALL the sacrifices in order to have a relationship, and you'll still be there when he's ready to compromise.

 

[HollyS]

Do I have in-laws that I find annoying??? Oh, yeah.

His mom. My side: brothers-in-law. I could be very happy never seeing any of them again.

Though I tell my husband how I feel about his mom, and he agrees with me, I would never prevent him from seeing her, or not go with him when we visit (she is in assisted living about 250 miles away), or be anything but loving to her when we are with her. You marry the family when you marry the man . . . I assume none of us would marry into crime, creeps, or anything really ugly . . . would we??

As for my brothers-in-law, I love my sisters, ergo I keep my mouth shut and grin and bear it. They aren't horrible, just stupid. Certainly not worth getting into a snit about, even if they do manage to tick me off. They are so not going to stress me out - - they'd get too big a kick out of it.