Advice on how to deal with annoying inlaws

[chemgirl]

Does anyone have inlaws that they just can't stand? How do you deal with it? Any advice on how to maintain a superficial relationship?

 

[distracts]

Live across the country from them and don't have a guest room. Or in our case, have a guest room so overtaken with stuff that people who come over have to sleep on the couch anyway, which his parents won't do because of back problems. BAM problem solved.

 

[aljdewey]

Regardless of geography, just limit contact. You and hub have to be in agreement on it, but once there, just get used to saying "oh, we wish we could, but we have this #### and we can't make it. Maybe next time."

 

[tyty333]

If they live nearby encourage your DH to go visit them without you. That way they get to see their son and
you get to do whatever you want to do. Win-win!

Seriously, mine arent that bad. I've just learned to ignore half of what they say. If there is something that you
dont want opinions on then just tell them "its fine" whenever they ask. How's your job, how's the baby sleeping...
etc. Just dont open things up for conversation by using simple "yes", "no", "its fine" answers.

 

[iLander]

Be nice, remember, one day you'll be someone's annoying inlaw. I'm pretty sure I am exactly that for my DIL, so now I don't get to see my son.

She doesn't get my goofy sense of humor, my love of the muppets, love of lux accessories, desire to set a really formal table while there are bart simpson magnets on the fridge (she's actually a bit stiff, and frowns on stuff like that. I think she's more "grown-up" than me! Plus she's a little catty). I tend to be loud and silly, for example; if DH is walking toward me across a crowded mall, I like to wave at him, bigtime. Why? Because you should know that someone loves you and is happy to see you. Goofy and embarrassing, but it makes DH smile.

If this described your MIL, what would you think? Pretty weird, huh? But if it's just another forum member, it's not that odd, is it? See how "how you look at it" can change your assessment?

I think sometimes we attach titles to people- father in law, or mother in law or whatever- and with the title comes a set of expectations. And with the expectations come judgements. What if that title wasn't there?

Generally just be polite, and don't give them too much credibility, they're just people like you. Pretend they're your neighbors or co-workers or just the general public. If you take all the weight away from their actions, are they really all that bad?

Pretend they're PS members; what do they seem like now?

But, I don't really know your situation. If they're mean and catty and take potshots at you, then just be polite and use your mind to "go to your happy place".

And it might not seem like it now, but people will change. The family will morph and evolve over the years, through births, deaths, divorces, marriages. Take the long view.

 

[chemgirl]

Be nice, remember, one day you'll be someone's annoying inlaw. I'm pretty sure I am exactly that for my DIL, so now I don't get to see my son.

She doesn't get my goofy sense of humor, my love of the muppets, love of lux accessories, desire to set a really formal table while there are bart simpson magnets on the fridge (she's actually a bit stiff, and frowns on stuff like that. I think she's more "grown-up" than me! Plus she's a little catty). I tend to be loud and silly, for example; if DH is walking toward me across a crowded mall, I like to wave at him, bigtime. Why? Because you should know that someone loves you and is happy to see you. Goofy and embarrassing, but it makes DH smile.

If this described your MIL, what would you think? Pretty weird, huh? But if it's just another forum member, it's not that odd, is it? See how "how you look at it" can change your assessment?

I think sometimes we attach titles to people- father in law, or mother in law or whatever- and with the title comes a set of expectations. And with the expectations come judgements. What if that title wasn't there?

Generally just be polite, and don't give them too much credibility, they're just people like you. Pretend they're your neighbors or co-workers or just the general public. If you take all the weight away from their actions, are they really all that bad?

Pretend they're PS members; what do they seem like now?

But, I don't really know your situation. If they're mean and catty and take potshots at you, then just be polite and use your mind to "go to your happy place".

And it might not seem like it now, but people will change. The family will morph and evolve over the years, through births, deaths, divorces, marriages. Take the long view.

See goofy I like. I think you'd make a great MIL!

In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.

Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!

 

[fleur-de-lis]

See goofy I like. I think you'd make a great MIL!

In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.

Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!

How does your DH want to handle the situation? Do you think his way is wise, and if not, what are the unaddressed shortcoming in your opinion?

 

[chemgirl]

See goofy I like. I think you'd make a great MIL!

In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.

Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!

How does your DH want to handle the situation? Do you think his way is wise, and if not, what are the unaddressed shortcoming in your opinion?

When we were first married his response was to ignore her and focus on his dad. That works for him, but I'm stuck with step-MIL while he's doing "man" things. Also, while FIL is nice to me, he is very chauvinistic and my taking part in the "man" activities isn't really an option.

We are trying to work out a solution together. At the moment he is making more of an effort to support me when we are with them. He is afraid that if he's too strong with her that she will cut us out of their lives and he won't see his dad anymore. I don't want that. FIL doesn't have contact with his mother nor any of his siblings due to blowups with step-MIL.

Its hard to come up with a strategy that we can both be ok with.

 

[Haven]

I have a very disappointing father. Disappointing isn't really even close to being a strong enough word, but for the sake of brevity, there it is.

I struggled with how to deal with him for a while, until finally my DH asked me whether or not I want him in my life. I thought about it for a long time, and decided that I didn't want to cut him out, so yes, I did want him in my life. Then my husband said, "Well, you just need to learn how to deal with him, then." And he was right. I needed to stop getting angry every time he let me down, or told us a blatant lie right to our faces, or yadda yadda yadda. Because if I couldn't control my response to him, then I wasn't ready to have him in my life anymore.

It isn't easy, but I've spent over a year training myself to change my response to him. Because he will never be the father I want him to be, yet I've still chosen to keep him in my life, and this is the only way I can do that and remain healthy.

I think you have to decide whether you want them in your life, or if your DH wants them in his life. If the answer is yes, then your next move is to just let it go. I actually have to say that I felt a huge sense of relief when I made that decision, myself. It isn't always easy to deal with the little things he does, but once I decided I was just going to accept him as he is I felt like I lost 20 pounds.

Good luck. And people do change. My FIL did some nasty things when we were planning our wedding, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to forgive him. Now, nearly four years later, I call him "Dad" and we have a wonderful relationship.

It's also helpful to remember that everyone always believes that they are in the right. ILander's DIL probably has a very different perspective of ILander, even though we all know she's wonderful. Your MIL probably has a very different perspective of herself, and you. I try to remind myself of this whenever I'm having a disagreement with someone, or whenever I'm upset with someone. It seems like the one thing we can count on is that people rarely walk away from a conflict thinking, "Well, I really am in the wrong, aren't I?" It helps me keep a more fair perspective to remember this.

 

[swingirl]

In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.

Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!

Your DH's behavior regarding his mother's treatment of you is totally unacceptable. Telling you to ignore her or thinking this problem should be worked out together is weak. Your MIL is not going to change. But it sounds like no one will stand up to her so she is able to manipulate everyone.

Steal from your mother? This would be the last time I would have had contact with MIL.

 

[JewelFreak]

iLander's advice, hardwon as it is, is excellent -- if your MIL isn't actually poisonous. I encouraged DH to go see them & I was "busy." As often as possible. When I had to go, I was pleasant with as little emotional engagement as possible. I treated her kind of like I would a stranger on a bus, sitting next to me. DH was supportive, which is a must, though he didn't want a confrontation & really it wasn't necessary. If you're always civil, she doesn't have a leg to stand on if she wants to make trouble. I ignored her many digs at me & reminded myself that I had her son for the rest of his life & she didn't. (Probably what bothered her!)

--- Laurie

 

[chemgirl]

In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.

Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!

Your DH's behavior regarding his mother's treatment of you is totally unacceptable. Telling you to ignore her or thinking this problem should be worked out together is weak. Your MIL is not going to change. But it sounds like no one will stand up to her so she is able to manipulate everyone.

Steal from your mother? This would be the last time I would have had contact with MIL.

I agree. I'm still livid about this. She is very jealous of my parents. They've worked very hard and saved their entire lives to be able to afford what they have. She doesn't get it. I found her in the ensuite bathroom of my parents' vacation condo with a handfull of my mom's makeup and lotions. She'd had a bottle and a half of wine at that point and somehow convinced herself that my mom didn't deserve any of her nice stuff...or at least that's how the drunk rant went before I told her to put it all down and leave or I'd tell everyone exactly what she was doing.

I did tell FIL and my husband. They spoke to her about it the next day and claims she doesn't remember any of it.

As far as working on a strategy, that involves having DH do things with FIL one-on-one, and trying to have all group visits somewhere public so she keeps the bad behaviour to a minimum. Not ideal and we definitely have a long way to go on this.

ETA: She's his step-mother. His mother is a perfectly lovely person.

 

[chemgirl]

I have a very disappointing father. Disappointing isn't really even close to being a strong enough word, but for the sake of brevity, there it is.

I struggled with how to deal with him for a while, until finally my DH asked me whether or not I want him in my life. I thought about it for a long time, and decided that I didn't want to cut him out, so yes, I did want him in my life. Then my husband said, "Well, you just need to learn how to deal with him, then." And he was right. I needed to stop getting angry every time he let me down, or told us a blatant lie right to our faces, or yadda yadda yadda. Because if I couldn't control my response to him, then I wasn't ready to have him in my life anymore.

It isn't easy, but I've spent over a year training myself to change my response to him. Because he will never be the father I want him to be, yet I've still chosen to keep him in my life, and this is the only way I can do that and remain healthy.

I think you have to decide whether you want them in your life, or if your DH wants them in his life. If the answer is yes, then your next move is to just let it go. I actually have to say that I felt a huge sense of relief when I made that decision, myself. It isn't always easy to deal with the little things he does, but once I decided I was just going to accept him as he is I felt like I lost 20 pounds.

Good luck. And people do change. My FIL did some nasty things when we were planning our wedding, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to forgive him. Now, nearly four years later, I call him "Dad" and we have a wonderful relationship.

It's also helpful to remember that everyone always believes that they are in the right. ILander's DIL probably has a very different perspective of ILander, even though we all know she's wonderful. Your MIL probably has a very different perspective of herself, and you. I try to remind myself of this whenever I'm having a disagreement with someone, or whenever I'm upset with someone. It seems like the one thing we can count on is that people rarely walk away from a conflict thinking, "Well, I really am in the wrong, aren't I?" It helps me keep a more fair perspective to remember this.

First I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult relationship with your father. That sucks.

Second, thanks for the fantastic advice. You're right, I can't control them, I can only control me. I need to work on my reactions and try to change my expectations.

 

[Haven]

Thanks, Chemgirl. I'm sorry you're dealing with a disappointing MIL. That really is tough.

It sounds like such overly simple advice now that I read it again, but it really did help me. Hugs. I hope this gets better for you.

 

[missy]

I have a very disappointing father. Disappointing isn't really even close to being a strong enough word, but for the sake of brevity, there it is.

I struggled with how to deal with him for a while, until finally my DH asked me whether or not I want him in my life. I thought about it for a long time, and decided that I didn't want to cut him out, so yes, I did want him in my life. Then my husband said, "Well, you just need to learn how to deal with him, then." And he was right. I needed to stop getting angry every time he let me down, or told us a blatant lie right to our faces, or yadda yadda yadda. Because if I couldn't control my response to him, then I wasn't ready to have him in my life anymore.

It isn't easy, but I've spent over a year training myself to change my response to him. Because he will never be the father I want him to be, yet I've still chosen to keep him in my life, and this is the only way I can do that and remain healthy.

I think you have to decide whether you want them in your life, or if your DH wants them in his life. If the answer is yes, then your next move is to just let it go. I actually have to say that I felt a huge sense of relief when I made that decision, myself. It isn't always easy to deal with the little things he does, but once I decided I was just going to accept him as he is I felt like I lost 20 pounds.

Good luck. And people do change. My FIL did some nasty things when we were planning our wedding, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to forgive him. Now, nearly four years later, I call him "Dad" and we have a wonderful relationship.

It's also helpful to remember that everyone always believes that they are in the right. ILander's DIL probably has a very different perspective of ILander, even though we all know she's wonderful. Your MIL probably has a very different perspective of herself, and you. I try to remind myself of this whenever I'm having a disagreement with someone, or whenever I'm upset with someone. It seems like the one thing we can count on is that people rarely walk away from a conflict thinking, "Well, I really am in the wrong, aren't I?" It helps me keep a more fair perspective to remember this.

Really excellent advice Haven. If you want them in your life you just need to let some things go. And people can change. But just don't count on it. Perspective is a big thing as well. There is usually no 100% wrong or right so it helps to try to see it from the other's perspective. I will say that with regard to my dh's family we went through it all. Ultimately we cut some of them out of our lives to get our sanity and peace back and 5 years later we are back in touch with them with a much better and healthier relationship. And, my MIL (with whom we kept contact and maintained a relationship the whole time) and I have (dare I say it) a good relationship and it only took 13 plus years to get there. Sometimes these things just take time and if your MIL sees you as the adversary it might take her time to realize you love her son and make him happy. Of course this only works with people who are sane and exhibit some sense.

Good luck chemgirl. I hope you find peace and contentment with your in-laws. And if you cannot I hope you and your dh find peace and contentment without them in your lives.

 

[chemgirl]

Thank you all for your perspectives and advice.

Just to clarify something, I'm talking about his stepmother, not his mother. I have a very good relationship with his mother.

He doesn't care to have a relationship with his stepmother, but he does want one with his father. They're a package deal so we're trying to make it work with both of them.

His father and I don't see eye to eye on many things, but I actually think he has capacity to change. He is very old fashioned and prescribes to the view that the man is the leader of the house and the wife is there to support him. He praises my housekeeping and cooking, but refers to my career as "a nice little job that helps out with the bills." I'm the R&D director for a major manufacturer. I was in University for 8 years and have worked very hard to get where I am. He has brought up my quitting so I can properly support my husband. That said, he is starting to come around. Its still "DH's house" and "DH's cars" and he only thanks DH when we treat for a meal out, but he was very impressed that I could read blueprints better than the men when they were building a gazebo the other week. He actually called for my help with something technical a few days ago. Baby steps.

 

[missy]

Thank you all for your perspectives and advice.

Just to clarify something, I'm talking about his stepmother, not his mother. I have a very good relationship with his mother.

He doesn't care to have a relationship with his stepmother, but he does want one with his father. They're a package deal so we're trying to make it work with both of them.

His father and I don't see eye to eye on many things, but I actually think he has capacity to change. He is very old fashioned and prescribes to the view that the man is the leader of the house and the wife is there to support him. He praises my housekeeping and cooking, but refers to my career as "a nice little job that helps out with the bills." I'm the R&D director for a major manufacturer. I was in University for 8 years and have worked very hard to get where I am. He has brought up my quitting so I can properly support my husband. That said, he is starting to come around. Its still "DH's house" and "DH's cars" and he only thanks DH when we treat for a meal out, but he was very impressed that I could read blueprints better than the men when they were building a gazebo the other week. He actually called for my help with something technical a few days ago. Baby steps.

That's a difficult situation but you are handling it just right. Baby steps is the way to go. You really cannot control his behavior and though it's hard to take in this day and age you have little choice. Your dh hopefully is supportive and he should say to your FIL it's chemgirl's house and car as well. And he should also say chemgirl took you out for dinner too. If he doesn't already do this I think he should. It's all part of the 2 of you being a team. You are not the "little" woman that stands behind her man. You are the equal partner that is beside him...all the way.

As for his stepmother all I can say is just be polite and let it go. And have as little contact with her as you need. She sounds like a difficult person to say the least.

But ultimately you will continue earning your FIL's respect (by just being you) and he will hopefully begin to see you as the amazing and strong woman you are. And who cares if he doesn't...as long as your dh appreciates you.

 

[iLander]

I have a very disappointing father. Disappointing isn't really even close to being a strong enough word, but for the sake of brevity, there it is.

I struggled with how to deal with him for a while, until finally my DH asked me whether or not I want him in my life. I thought about it for a long time, and decided that I didn't want to cut him out, so yes, I did want him in my life. Then my husband said, "Well, you just need to learn how to deal with him, then." And he was right. I needed to stop getting angry every time he let me down, or told us a blatant lie right to our faces, or yadda yadda yadda. Because if I couldn't control my response to him, then I wasn't ready to have him in my life anymore.

It isn't easy, but I've spent over a year training myself to change my response to him. Because he will never be the father I want him to be, yet I've still chosen to keep him in my life, and this is the only way I can do that and remain healthy.

We must be sisters, Haven, because we appear to have the same dad!

I remember waiting for him to show up on Christmas or birthdays as a kid. I'd stand out on the street watching the cars for hours, and then get a call saying he wasn't coming after all. Again. He was an alcoholic, and even when he finally went to AA when I was 12 nothing really changed. (Hey, Dad! Still waiting for that "make amends"step. Jackass). There's more, but why bother?

I grew up and one day I just snapped. I yelled at him and told him to get out of my life. We didn't speak for 14 years. He didn't meet his granddaughter. About 4 years ago, my uncle brokered a peace deal, and Dad showed up, all apologies. Whatever. I made the mistake of expecting something, and asked him to Thanksgiving dinner. And then . . .

Can you see it coming?

He called and said he couldn't make it.

Hey. At least he's consistent.

You have to laugh, Haven, it's the only way. I've realized he's just a guy, that slept with my mom. If you take the "Dad" title away, it's a lot easier. It doesn't feel fair, though, does it? I used to be ticked that it seemed like other people had actual, functioning parents, why not me?! Sometimes I stillnhave a good pout and just get it out of my system. Then I move on. What can you do?

 

[Bliss]

I'm sorry you have annoying in laws. I don't have much advice except to share my own story to offer yet another perspective.

Our moms are no problem! I love FIL dearly but FIL did make life very challenging for us at times. He had a difficult personality to begin with - full of pride and thought he knew everything, even when wrong. He was a very very smart man and knew it. This made him prickly and arrogant at times! I know he loved DH very much but could never express it. He was always going MIA mysteriously so it was stressful for us to worry about him constantly. He was also not a good father to DH growing up and when he got old suddenly decided he wanted us to support him. We gladly did so.

However, he was *forever* asking us for money. It was so mysterious because we knew he had a great pension and benefits. We would pay off all of his credit card debts and then he'd continually rack up more charges. It wasn't a problem except we wanted to know where all of our money was going. That was the sticking point - we wanted full disclosure. It was really frustrating because he wouldn't tell us. Ever. In all, we paid at least 40k of his credit card debts and also gave him an allowance but it was never enough. It was very sad because it ended up creating distance. When his first and only grandchild was born, he never even sent a card. It was hurtful because we were sending him so much money and he didn't even have the heart to give her something small and handmade like a card or something sentimental that would have cost nothing. A note, even. And he would always fly cross country trips to go play bridge with his buddies and go on vacations but would always tell us he couldn't afford to come visit his granddaughter. So we always ended up paying for that as well. It hurt my feelings but our sense of duty always won out and we did whatever he asked.

Anyway, the reason why I'm saying all this is - he died recently and I miss him so much. We also discovered he had a massive gambling problem. And he left a small mountain of debt and quite a mess to clean up. And despite all of his shortcomings and flaws, I would still give anything to have him back. I miss him so. He created an amazing son and I'm grateful for that. I'm also glad he died knowing he was loved and that he wasn't alone. When he passed, DH was going to get him to come live with us in NY. All of the small stuff, for me, disappeared. I feel terrible that he never told us that he had a gambling problem and I feel sorrier for being hurt about small things when he was the one who was clearly suffering. I hope he forgives me and knows that I love him. When DH read his journal, he had written how proud he was of his son and his choice of wife...how happy he was to have M as his granddaughter. I feel so sad he could never express that to us. When he was alive, he was so negative and critical of everything. Now I see that he was just having a hard time and struggling privately. I am much kinder to our beloved moms and treasure each day with them all the more now. We have always been close, but more than ever I feel an urgency to be near them because you never know when they might be gone.

 

[iLander]

See goofy I like. I think you'd make a great MIL!

In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.

Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!

Oh! Alcoholic harpie with an addiction. You hit the trifecta!

No, seriously, Chemgirl, this woman sounds like a head case. Run and hide. Your DH's dad has got to have a clue, right? He knows he's screwed up big time by marrying this woman? Wow. What a Bit¢h. You poor thing.

Send your DH out to play golf (or whatever) with his dad and leave it at that. There's no point in making an effort with this chick. The only thing I would do is make sure DH's dad does all the driving, so she doesn't wrap the car around a tree with him in it (I woke up one morning, and our car was wrapped around the tree in the front yard. Parents coped by cutting down EVERY single tree in the yard. I'm still trying to figure out the logic there )

I've been to plenty of al-anon meetings, and there's not a single thing you can do with an alcoholic. You can't change it, and frankly, it doesn't pay to be nice because they can't remember anything anyway. Seriously. They don't remember. So screw it. Limit contact as much as possible. Get out. Save yourself. Have your DH check out the Al-anon website so he can get some pointers. Other than that, don't bother. I'm not trying to be harsh, you're really sweet to want to cope with it. Sorry this is what you and DH have to deal with.

 

[Kunzite]

In my case she's an alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I had a big story written out, but its just too much to get in to. Major offenses include asking us for money every time we see them, calling me rude names (Skinny bitch, Paperbag Princess), refusing to make vegetarian food for DH when we visit (so I have to make meals and bring them to their house), bringing her dog to my house every time they visit and throwing a tantrum when he's not allowed inside (I'm severely allergic and I have 3 cats so just a bad idea), and attempting to steal from my mother.

Today was DH's birthday and they decided to invite us out for lunch because their plans for the day fell through (that's right, his birthday was plan B). Then when the bill came we had to pay it!

Your DH's behavior regarding his mother's treatment of you is totally unacceptable. Telling you to ignore her or thinking this problem should be worked out together is weak. Your MIL is not going to change. But it sounds like no one will stand up to her so she is able to manipulate everyone.

Steal from your mother? This would be the last time I would have had contact with MIL.

swingirl is absolutely right. You have a DH problem at the moment (or as he'd be referred to on my favorite IL site, a DUH. His response to his SMIL's treatment of you should never be to ignore it. It should be addressed as unacceptable as soon as it happens, and if not corrected, the visit should be over. Your SMIL is not annoying as your title reads, she's toxic and boundary stomping. I don't know if you plan to start a family, but what would your DH do if she said these things to you (or even the things your FIL says) while your children are present? Does he plan to teach your children that it's okay to be verbally abused and manipulated as long as it's coming from family?

 

[kenny]

Often, inlaws are outlaws.

 

[iLander]

Your DH's behavior regarding his mother's treatment of you is totally unacceptable. Telling you to ignore her or thinking this problem should be worked out together is weak. Your MIL is not going to change. But it sounds like no one will stand up to her so she is able to manipulate everyone.

Steal from your mother? This would be the last time I would have had contact with MIL.

swingirl is absolutely right. You have a DH problem at the moment (or as he'd be referred to on my favorite IL site, a DUH. His response to his SMIL's treatment of you should never be to ignore it. It should be addressed as unacceptable as soon as it happens, and if not corrected, the visit should be over. Your SMIL is not annoying as your title reads, she's toxic and boundary stomping. I don't know if you plan to start a family, but what would your DH do if she said these things to you (or even the things your FIL says) while your children are present? Does he plan to teach your children that it's okay to be verbally abused and manipulated as long as it's coming from family?

There's no point to standing up to her. She's an alcoholic. They don't change.

Chemgirl's DH wants to see his dad. The trick is to not make this woman part of the "package deal". "Guys day out" is the best approach.

Last part is a bit harsh, I think.

 

[chemgirl]

Your DH's behavior regarding his mother's treatment of you is totally unacceptable. Telling you to ignore her or thinking this problem should be worked out together is weak. Your MIL is not going to change. But it sounds like no one will stand up to her so she is able to manipulate everyone.

Steal from your mother? This would be the last time I would have had contact with MIL.

swingirl is absolutely right. You have a DH problem at the moment (or as he'd be referred to on my favorite IL site, a DUH. His response to his SMIL's treatment of you should never be to ignore it. It should be addressed as unacceptable as soon as it happens, and if not corrected, the visit should be over. Your SMIL is not annoying as your title reads, she's toxic and boundary stomping. I don't know if you plan to start a family, but what would your DH do if she said these things to you (or even the things your FIL says) while your children are present? Does he plan to teach your children that it's okay to be verbally abused and manipulated as long as it's coming from family?

There's no point to standing up to her. She's an alcoholic. They don't change.

Chemgirl's DH wants to see his dad. The trick is to not make this woman part of the "package deal". "Guys day out" is the best approach.

Last part is a bit harsh, I think.

Kunzite hit the nail on the head regarding what I think should happen whenever SMIL acts up. I get so angry about how I'm not being supported by anyone and how nobody makes her face the consequences of her actions. However, after talking with DH I know that he desperately wants her to stop, he just doesn't know what to do. He's really afraid of loosing his dad in all of this.

iLander is right. There's no reasoning with an alcoholic.

Another problem is that I'm the only one willing to use the A word. Everyone says she "drinks a lot" but shies away from admitting that she has a problem. I feel its fairly obvious. I mean the lady puts shots in her coffee and averages more than a bottle of wine per day. After 2 bottles she forgets everything she's done by the next morning.

DH and his dad have learned to ignore her. I'm trying, but I find it really hard. She knows what buttons to push. For example, she was upset about the fact that she lives in a trailer and has debt up to her eyeballs. Follow rant about how her life is ruined because of the child support payments for DH...you know, my 30 year old DH. The guys just carry on like nothing was said. I reply that I guess that's what happens when you marry somebody who has a young kid. Then I'm "Little Miss Know-it-All" and she hopes DH has a little bastard out there somewhere so I know how it feels. Totally crazy town.

I think the only real way to deal is to let it go and ignore her.

 

[Kunzite]

Your DH's behavior regarding his mother's treatment of you is totally unacceptable. Telling you to ignore her or thinking this problem should be worked out together is weak. Your MIL is not going to change. But it sounds like no one will stand up to her so she is able to manipulate everyone.

Steal from your mother? This would be the last time I would have had contact with MIL.

swingirl is absolutely right. You have a DH problem at the moment (or as he'd be referred to on my favorite IL site, a DUH. His response to his SMIL's treatment of you should never be to ignore it. It should be addressed as unacceptable as soon as it happens, and if not corrected, the visit should be over. Your SMIL is not annoying as your title reads, she's toxic and boundary stomping. I don't know if you plan to start a family, but what would your DH do if she said these things to you (or even the things your FIL says) while your children are present? Does he plan to teach your children that it's okay to be verbally abused and manipulated as long as it's coming from family?

There's no point to standing up to her. She's an alcoholic. They don't change.

Chemgirl's DH wants to see his dad. The trick is to not make this woman part of the "package deal". "Guys day out" is the best approach.

Last part is a bit harsh, I think.

I actually agree that the SMIL should be cut out of their lives but given what chemgirl posted I doubt FIL would go along with the guys day out plan.

 

[chemgirl]

Your DH's behavior regarding his mother's treatment of you is totally unacceptable. Telling you to ignore her or thinking this problem should be worked out together is weak. Your MIL is not going to change. But it sounds like no one will stand up to her so she is able to manipulate everyone.

Steal from your mother? This would be the last time I would have had contact with MIL.

swingirl is absolutely right. You have a DH problem at the moment (or as he'd be referred to on my favorite IL site, a DUH. His response to his SMIL's treatment of you should never be to ignore it. It should be addressed as unacceptable as soon as it happens, and if not corrected, the visit should be over. Your SMIL is not annoying as your title reads, she's toxic and boundary stomping. I don't know if you plan to start a family, but what would your DH do if she said these things to you (or even the things your FIL says) while your children are present? Does he plan to teach your children that it's okay to be verbally abused and manipulated as long as it's coming from family?

There's no point to standing up to her. She's an alcoholic. They don't change.

Chemgirl's DH wants to see his dad. The trick is to not make this woman part of the "package deal". "Guys day out" is the best approach.

Last part is a bit harsh, I think.

I actually agree that the SMIL should be cut out of their lives but given what chemgirl posted I doubt FIL would go along with the guys day out plan.

We think that his FIL would be out of the picture if DH says anything to SMIL based on past experience. DH's ex girlfriend put up with SMIL for years. Then one day she just snapped. She said everything I wish I could say with several choice words mixed in. DH stood by her and didn't hear a word from his Dad until he and ex broke up over a year later.

His view is its easier to just discount everything she says as drunk ranting and leave it at that.

 

[chemgirl]

Your DH's behavior regarding his mother's treatment of you is totally unacceptable. Telling you to ignore her or thinking this problem should be worked out together is weak. Your MIL is not going to change. But it sounds like no one will stand up to her so she is able to manipulate everyone.

Steal from your mother? This would be the last time I would have had contact with MIL.

swingirl is absolutely right. You have a DH problem at the moment (or as he'd be referred to on my favorite IL site, a DUH. His response to his SMIL's treatment of you should never be to ignore it. It should be addressed as unacceptable as soon as it happens, and if not corrected, the visit should be over. Your SMIL is not annoying as your title reads, she's toxic and boundary stomping. I don't know if you plan to start a family, but what would your DH do if she said these things to you (or even the things your FIL says) while your children are present? Does he plan to teach your children that it's okay to be verbally abused and manipulated as long as it's coming from family?

There's no point to standing up to her. She's an alcoholic. They don't change.

Chemgirl's DH wants to see his dad. The trick is to not make this woman part of the "package deal". "Guys day out" is the best approach.

Last part is a bit harsh, I think.

I actually agree that the SMIL should be cut out of their lives but given what chemgirl posted I doubt FIL would go along with the guys day out plan.

We think that his father would be out of the picture if DH says anything to SMIL based on past experience. DH's ex girlfriend put up with SMIL for years. Then one day she just snapped. She said everything I wish I could say with several choice words mixed in. DH stood by her and didn't hear a word from his Dad until he and ex broke up over a year later.

His view is its easier to just discount everything she says as drunk ranting and leave it at that.

 

[Kunzite]

chemgirl - I urge you to go to the link I posted and read around for a bit. The reason you feel the way you do is because you understand normal family dynamics. Your DH doesn't see it because he was raised with this toxic behavior. Sitting and ignoring a verbal assault like that is not the answer. Can you imagine sitting there while SMIL talks to you like that if your future child was with you.

 

[chemgirl]

chemgirl - I urge you to go to the link I posted and read around for a bit. The reason you feel the way you do is because you understand normal family dynamics. Your DH doesn't see it because he was raised with this toxic behavior. Sitting and ignoring a verbal assault like that is not the answer. Can you imagine sitting there while SMIL talks to you like that if your future child was with you.

DH and I are in agreement that there will be no alcohol around any future children. If she can't respect that rule then she's out.

DH wasn't raised by these people, his mom had sole custody. She's a fairly normal person. DH does understand that the dynamic isn't healthy. The problem is that you can't reason with a drunk person and this drunk person is clinging to FIL for dear life. We can limit our time with her and plan on it. We can also cut her out of our lives if we have to. We don't want to, but if it comes down to the security of our child you bet we will.


I will read the link you posted. Thank you.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

How often do you and your DH spend time with them? How often during those times does your DH and FIL go off on their own and you are left to your own devices with SMIL, and for how long do those lovely periods of girl alone time last?