Advice on dealing with another mom...

[lizzyann]

So I just wrote in T-Gal's thread and it got me thinking about a situation I am in and want your advice.

Just some background info to set the stage....I met a friend of mine thru work awhile back and we both got pregnant at the same time. Mine planned, hers not. She had recently gotten a divorce and was dating another co-worker when she got pregnant with his baby. My hubby and I had gone thru a couple of miscarriages and had a bumpy road trying to conceive. Her pregnancy was issue free and I felt like she took that for granted. When she went for her u/s to find out what she was having, she wanted a girl btw, she found out she was having a boy and started crying about it. Me on the other hand, was so happy to have a healthy baby after all of the ups and downs!!! She ended up marrying the father of her baby late in her pregnancy. When her son was born, she quickly stopped breast feeding because she said that her son slept better on formula and that the only reason why my son was not sleeping well was because I was still nursing (I nursed my DS for his first 7 months). She would constantly try to give me advice on sleeping because as she says "my son is such a good sleeper". And he was, but some kids just are you know? She constantly is like "Has your DS done this yet? Has he eaten this yet" etc etc etc. She has made everything about our sons into a competition. And I HATE it! I don't even talk to her about my son, I try to focus on work or other things because the kids conversation quickly goes to a comparison. I have plenty of friends that have kids my sons age and we ask eachother questions and for advice and none of them make me feel like I am in competition. She is also one of those moms that acts like her kid is perfect when it comes to sleeping, eating, learning, etc. On occasion, I would say "Oh my DS hates eating veggies" and she would counter with "oh my son loves his veggies" or I would say "I was up all night last night because my DS is teething" and she would counter with "my son sleeps thru everynight" Oh and we were having our showers around the same time so she kept checking my registry and saying things like "Oh you haven't gotten your swing or your bouncer yet, that sucks, you really need that. you'll have to buy it" Who does that???? my husband thinks that she is jealous of our lives together and she finds that this is the only way she can compete. I know that may sound arrogant but I don't mean it to be. It's just that my DH and I were married, had a house, and were TRYING to conceive you know? And she really wanted to be a SAHM mom but she was not in a place financially in order to have that option, where I had the option to stay home. I dunno. I just hate that our relationship has come to this.

Does anyone else have one of these moms in their lives and knows what I mean? I appreciate it when moms can get together and talk about their frustrations and achievements but in a manner that is productive you know? Anyways, she has become more of an email acquaintenance over the past couple of months and I feel as though I don't want to work to save the relationship at this point.

Any advice?

 

[fieryred33143]

Honestly Liz, it sounds like you both judge each other a lot. Your whole intro describing her having a child out of wedlock and not breastfeeding and that you are married, were trying, and did breastfeed was a bit irrelevant to the situation and gave me the sense that you just don't really like her or respect her. I would just cut ties with her and end the friendship. I'm sure you can find other moms that share common interest who will be a great resource for you. GL!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I agree with Fiery.

It sounds like you don't think much of her and only keep contact through email anyway... so what do you need advice on? Sounds like you are indifferent at best, frenemy at worst. Let the contact drift off.

 

[lizzyann]

Hi Fiery, thanks for responding. I hear your point. I think that the reason I gave that info was so that I could kind of paint a picture of both of ours roads to becoming a mom. I think you are right though that at this point, I just don't think I like her much. I really do hold things against her like like the fact that she took so much for granted during pregnancy and when she had a meltdown when she wasn't having a girl. After having multiple miscarriages, my other friends were very supportive, but when she got pregnant she also made a comment to me saying that maybe I need to stop eating 3pm snickers (as if that was the reason I had miscarried!). So maybe I am reading into things a little, because I am angry with her. I truly could care less that she didn't breastfeed. I have plenty of friends who went straight to formula and I don't judge them, however the fact that she tried to make me feel bad for nursing was my point. She would constantly tell me to stop nursing and my son will sleep longer. I think I already know that I need to cut off communication. She truly causes me anxiety when talking to her. Did I mention she was my boss previously too? I also think that because she was my boss when we got pregnant she still talks to me in that "I know better" tone even when it comes to child raising.

Just saw your note Guilty Pleasure, I know what I have to do. I was just curious on whether you moms come across other moms that seem to think that it is their way or the highway!

 

[lizzyann]

Oh Fiery, I meant to tell you that I bought the snack/drink holder that you recommended for my sons stroller. They had em at Babies R Us! Thanks for the recommendation! I'll keep you posted! My stroller is due to arrive today!

 

[fieryred33143]

Yay on the snack pod! Hope it works out!

I hear you on the frustration with her. Just reading the comments she has made gets me annoyed! I would just let it end. I know it's hard because I'm sure you probably want to be kind and respond but it's not worth the stress.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hi Fiery, thanks for responding. I hear your point. I think that the reason I gave that info was so that I could kind of paint a picture of both of ours roads to becoming a mom. I think you are right though that at this point, I just don't think I like her much. I really do hold things against her like like the fact that she took so much for granted during pregnancy and when she had a meltdown when she wasn't having a girl. After having multiple miscarriages, my other friends were very supportive, but when she got pregnant she also made a comment to me saying that maybe I need to stop eating 3pm snickers (as if that was the reason I had miscarried!). So maybe I am reading into things a little, because I am angry with her. I truly could care less that she didn't breastfeed. I have plenty of friends who went straight to formula and I don't judge them, however the fact that she tried to make me feel bad for nursing was my point. She would constantly tell me to stop nursing and my son will sleep longer. I think I already know that I need to cut off communication. She truly causes me anxiety when talking to her. Did I mention she was my boss previously too? I also think that because she was my boss when we got pregnant she still talks to me in that "I know better" tone even when it comes to child raising.

Just saw your note Guilty Pleasure, I know what I have to do. I was just curious on whether you moms come across other moms that seem to think that it is their way or the highway!

Moms judge other moms. It's just the way most (not all...there are some angels out there!) are. And they do it when moms parent in a style different to their own. Even if nothing is said, often the undertone of any disapproval can be felt, and translate into an interpretation of the persons actions as even more negative than it is. I've been on the receiving end, and I have no doubt that at some point, I've been on the giving end.

Your friend obviously has some misinformation (about formula =ing longer sleep and snickers =ing miscarriages). It doesn't seem like either of you has much respect for the other - you obviously think she's a bit of a lughead for the dumb crap that's coming out of her mouth.

The friend that I mentioned on my thread and I have very different parenting styles. During the same lunch that I mentioned on my thread, we were talking about parental preferences and I said Amelia actually prefers me right now. She said, "really? But you're strict." I said, sure I am, but I'm also fun, goofy and very affectionate. But I can see what she thinks...I'm just way too stringent for her. And her discipline is non existent to me when it comes to her son. The truth for both of us probably leans somewhere closer to the middle, objectively speaking, but we're just too different and so the way we see each other falls more to the extreme.

Why am I friends with her? Because I like her. She makes no apology for who she is and what you see is what you get. I don't know why she stays friends with me, but I assume she has her reasons. Sadly, I've stopped really going out of my way to have our kids go on playdates because my only beef with her is the way she raises her son. So if the kids is the only point of contention between you and your friend, perhaps you need to meet on a more adult level. If she generally annoys you as a person, you have your answer.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I had a woman like this on my facebook friend list. I went to school with her for a year (she transferred out after that) in middle school and she seemed to think that because I accepted her request, we were friends. TBH I just wanted to know how she was doing - she was very much bullied in school. Anyway, every time I would post something about Micah, she would tell me why it was wrong for me to do/use whatever thing I was talking about. She has no children, but she kept trying to force her nanny-ing (is that a word?) on me because she was "certified". Personally, I would never have trusted my child with this woman, she had so many screws loose it wasn't even funny. I finally got fed up when she told me that the pacifier clip I had hand-made (with love, dammit!) for Micah was dangerous and I shouldn't use it. I deleted her, and have no intentions of ever speaking to her again.

Some people are just this way. They are unhappy in a part of their lives, and they try to fill that void by making sure they are "better" than their friends in other ways. It's sad, and all I can feel is pity for these people - and cut them out of my life, because I don't need that kind of drama or treatment.

 

[TravelingGal]

I had a woman like this on my facebook friend list. I went to school with her for a year (she transferred out after that) in middle school and she seemed to think that because I accepted her request, we were friends. TBH I just wanted to know how she was doing - she was very much bullied in school. Anyway, every time I would post something about Micah, she would tell me why it was wrong for me to do/use whatever thing I was talking about. She has no children, but she kept trying to force her nanny-ing (is that a word?) on me because she was "certified". Personally, I would never have trusted my child with this woman, she had so many screws loose it wasn't even funny. I finally got fed up when she told me that the pacifier clip I had hand-made (with love, dammit!) for Micah was dangerous and I shouldn't use it. I deleted her, and have no intentions of ever speaking to her again.

Some people are just this way. They are unhappy in a part of their lives, and they try to fill that void by making sure they are "better" than their friends in other ways. It's sad, and all I can feel is pity for these people - and cut them out of my life, because I don't need that kind of drama or treatment.

I do think some people do have the best intentions at heart, but have to learn that some people aren't receptive to advice. I don't remember exactly, but I vaguely recall reading pacifier clips can be a hazard. So then, do you risk offending the mom by saying something in case she doesn't know, or do you just shut up (I'm asking rhetorically here.) Just over the weekend, I saw the same mom I've been mentioning strap her daughter in the carseat...the chest clip was way down by her daughter's stomach. Normally I'd say something. In fact, it killed me not to because if something happened, I'd know I had noticed something was wrong. But I didn't say anything, because time and time again, she's shown she isn't receptive to advice. I'm a carseat nazi, so I sent her info and also showed her how to strap her son in correctly. She still is not doing it right and I'm not going to tell her. You can only do so much before you come across as self righteous. Sh*t, you don't have have to do MUCH to come across self righteous if the other person isn't receptive!

 

[lizzyann]

Hi Fiery, thanks for responding. I hear your point. I think that the reason I gave that info was so that I could kind of paint a picture of both of ours roads to becoming a mom. I think you are right though that at this point, I just don't think I like her much. I really do hold things against her like like the fact that she took so much for granted during pregnancy and when she had a meltdown when she wasn't having a girl. After having multiple miscarriages, my other friends were very supportive, but when she got pregnant she also made a comment to me saying that maybe I need to stop eating 3pm snickers (as if that was the reason I had miscarried!). So maybe I am reading into things a little, because I am angry with her. I truly could care less that she didn't breastfeed. I have plenty of friends who went straight to formula and I don't judge them, however the fact that she tried to make me feel bad for nursing was my point. She would constantly tell me to stop nursing and my son will sleep longer. I think I already know that I need to cut off communication. She truly causes me anxiety when talking to her. Did I mention she was my boss previously too? I also think that because she was my boss when we got pregnant she still talks to me in that "I know better" tone even when it comes to child raising.

Just saw your note Guilty Pleasure, I know what I have to do. I was just curious on whether you moms come across other moms that seem to think that it is their way or the highway!

Moms judge other moms. It's just the way most (not all...there are some angels out there!) are. And they do it when moms parent in a style different to their own. Even if nothing is said, often the undertone of any disapproval can be felt, and translate into an interpretation of the persons actions as even more negative than it is. I've been on the receiving end, and I have no doubt that at some point, I've been on the giving end.

Your friend obviously has some misinformation (about formula =ing longer sleep and snickers =ing miscarriages). It doesn't seem like either of you has much respect for the other - you obviously think she's a bit of a lughead for the dumb crap that's coming out of her mouth.

The friend that I mentioned on my thread and I have very different parenting styles. During the same lunch that I mentioned on my thread, we were talking about parental preferences and I said Amelia actually prefers me right now. She said, "really? But you're strict." I said, sure I am, but I'm also fun, goofy and very affectionate. But I can see what she thinks...I'm just way too stringent for her. And her discipline is non existent to me when it comes to her son. The truth for both of us probably leans somewhere closer to the middle, objectively speaking, but we're just too different and so the way we see each other falls more to the extreme.

Why am I friends with her? Because I like her. She makes no apology for who she is and what you see is what you get. I don't know why she stays friends with me, but I assume she has her reasons. Sadly, I've stopped really going out of my way to have our kids go on playdates because my only beef with her is the way she raises her son. So if the kids is the only point of contention between you and your friend, perhaps you need to meet on a more adult level. If she generally annoys you as a person, you have your answer.

T-Gal, you hit the nail on the head about our kids being the only point of contention. When we get together sans kids and do dinner or whatever it isn't bad and we have a lot of laughs. But I have stopped play dates because I feel like she is is studying our kids and I don't like that feeling at all. I just feel that I have other friends that have different parenting styles, yet we all get along just fine and learn from each others different parenting styles you know? But they have never made me feel like crap and said mean things to me, so maybe that's why.

I also know that I agree that as moms we judge each other for sure. I really do try to make a point to remember that everyone's kids are different and all households/schedules are different. And I may internally judge others decisions etc for example, I am not a big pacifier fan once a kid is over a year old and I know that at some point I am sure I came off as preachy on that subject to a friend of mine whose kid still uses one. But she has also given me crap on other stuff so it goes both ways. But I do think that some moms can give and take peacefully while in this relationship I feel like I am constantly taking. I can honestly say that I don't even bring up my son and only answer her when she asks me questions. And even when she asks me questions I don't even like to answer because I know I am going to get an earful on how I am doing something wrong!!

Thanks for your feedback T-Gal! YOu are always a great help! Oh and I am working with my DS on the throwing of his cups and toys as we discussed in my stroller thread! He has gotten out of hand with it and nailed my grandma in the head with a maraca the other day. So it is time outs from now on if he throws anything other than a ball!! Thanks for your help on that!! See constructive criticism is quite ok!!!!!

 

[MonkeyPie]

You can only do so much before you come across as self righteous. Sh*t, you don't have have to do MUCH to come across self righteous if the other person isn't receptive!

This! See, I am pretty sure she is just like how you say. She MEANS well, but she comes off in the most brash, rude way possible. Plus she had done it to me so many times I couldn't deal with it anymore. I have a friend that is a nurse that always tells me when I "do stuff wrong", but wtf, she's a NICU nurse. She actually knows. This woman doesn't even have kids and was an only child! Bah.

I think a lot of it has to do with the way things are said. Like lizzy said, comparisons are rude. Saying things in a more gentle way is more easily received.

 

[TravelingGal]

You can only do so much before you come across as self righteous. Sh*t, you don't have have to do MUCH to come across self righteous if the other person isn't receptive!

This! See, I am pretty sure she is just like how you say. She MEANS well, but she comes off in the most brash, rude way possible. Plus she had done it to me so many times I couldn't deal with it anymore. I have a friend that is a nurse that always tells me when I "do stuff wrong", but wtf, she's a NICU nurse. She actually knows. This woman doesn't even have kids and was an only child! Bah.

I think a lot of it has to do with the way things are said. Like lizzy said, comparisons are rude. Saying things in a more gentle way is more easily received.

I wouldn't probably be receptive to someone who didn't have a child either, unless they were a very experienced nanny. But even then, no one can beat a rabid mom for research.

 

[MonkeyPie]

You can only do so much before you come across as self righteous. Sh*t, you don't have have to do MUCH to come across self righteous if the other person isn't receptive!

This! See, I am pretty sure she is just like how you say. She MEANS well, but she comes off in the most brash, rude way possible. Plus she had done it to me so many times I couldn't deal with it anymore. I have a friend that is a nurse that always tells me when I "do stuff wrong", but wtf, she's a NICU nurse. She actually knows. This woman doesn't even have kids and was an only child! Bah.

I think a lot of it has to do with the way things are said. Like lizzy said, comparisons are rude. Saying things in a more gentle way is more easily received.

I wouldn't probably be receptive to someone who didn't have a child either, unless they were a very experienced nanny. But even then, no one can beat a rabid mom for research.

Bwahaha - that's why I come here with my questions

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I'm sure your random facebook friend is as much of an idiot as you think, but not having children isn't what makes her an idiot...

 

[lizzyann]

I had a woman like this on my facebook friend list. I went to school with her for a year (she transferred out after that) in middle school and she seemed to think that because I accepted her request, we were friends. TBH I just wanted to know how she was doing - she was very much bullied in school. Anyway, every time I would post something about Micah, she would tell me why it was wrong for me to do/use whatever thing I was talking about. She has no children, but she kept trying to force her nanny-ing (is that a word?) on me because she was "certified". Personally, I would never have trusted my child with this woman, she had so many screws loose it wasn't even funny. I finally got fed up when she told me that the pacifier clip I had hand-made (with love, dammit!) for Micah was dangerous and I shouldn't use it. I deleted her, and have no intentions of ever speaking to her again.

Some people are just this way. They are unhappy in a part of their lives, and they try to fill that void by making sure they are "better" than their friends in other ways. It's sad, and all I can feel is pity for these people - and cut them out of my life, because I don't need that kind of drama or treatment.

MonkeyPie, the facebook thing had me laughing because I sometimes get annoyed at my friends FB posts too. I guess at some point as a parent you listen to the feedback from people and make a personal decision if you agree or disagree with their point. I find that FB gets on my nerves sometimes too because this friend of mine usually makes comments about my son on some of my pics saying things like "oh, he is so little" because my son is tall and thin and hers is not. So annoying....

 

[MichelleCarmen]

You can only do so much before you come across as self righteous. Sh*t, you don't have have to do MUCH to come across self righteous if the other person isn't receptive!

This! See, I am pretty sure she is just like how you say. She MEANS well, but she comes off in the most brash, rude way possible. Plus she had done it to me so many times I couldn't deal with it anymore. I have a friend that is a nurse that always tells me when I "do stuff wrong", but wtf, she's a NICU nurse. She actually knows. This woman doesn't even have kids and was an only child! Bah.

I think a lot of it has to do with the way things are said. Like lizzy said, comparisons are rude. Saying things in a more gentle way is more easily received.

People are always REALLY wonderful parents BEFORE they have kids. . .then reality sets in.

Lizzy - there are a lot of things about the woman you've posted about that annoy you. Just move on in your life since you don't want to save the relationship. Maintaining a relationship via email may not be the best since written word is often misinturpreted.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hi Fiery, thanks for responding. I hear your point. I think that the reason I gave that info was so that I could kind of paint a picture of both of ours roads to becoming a mom. I think you are right though that at this point, I just don't think I like her much. I really do hold things against her like like the fact that she took so much for granted during pregnancy and when she had a meltdown when she wasn't having a girl. After having multiple miscarriages, my other friends were very supportive, but when she got pregnant she also made a comment to me saying that maybe I need to stop eating 3pm snickers (as if that was the reason I had miscarried!). So maybe I am reading into things a little, because I am angry with her. I truly could care less that she didn't breastfeed. I have plenty of friends who went straight to formula and I don't judge them, however the fact that she tried to make me feel bad for nursing was my point. She would constantly tell me to stop nursing and my son will sleep longer. I think I already know that I need to cut off communication. She truly causes me anxiety when talking to her. Did I mention she was my boss previously too? I also think that because she was my boss when we got pregnant she still talks to me in that "I know better" tone even when it comes to child raising.

Just saw your note Guilty Pleasure, I know what I have to do. I was just curious on whether you moms come across other moms that seem to think that it is their way or the highway!

Moms judge other moms. It's just the way most (not all...there are some angels out there!) are. And they do it when moms parent in a style different to their own. Even if nothing is said, often the undertone of any disapproval can be felt, and translate into an interpretation of the persons actions as even more negative than it is. I've been on the receiving end, and I have no doubt that at some point, I've been on the giving end.

Your friend obviously has some misinformation (about formula =ing longer sleep and snickers =ing miscarriages). It doesn't seem like either of you has much respect for the other - you obviously think she's a bit of a lughead for the dumb crap that's coming out of her mouth.

The friend that I mentioned on my thread and I have very different parenting styles. During the same lunch that I mentioned on my thread, we were talking about parental preferences and I said Amelia actually prefers me right now. She said, "really? But you're strict." I said, sure I am, but I'm also fun, goofy and very affectionate. But I can see what she thinks...I'm just way too stringent for her. And her discipline is non existent to me when it comes to her son. The truth for both of us probably leans somewhere closer to the middle, objectively speaking, but we're just too different and so the way we see each other falls more to the extreme.

Why am I friends with her? Because I like her. She makes no apology for who she is and what you see is what you get. I don't know why she stays friends with me, but I assume she has her reasons. Sadly, I've stopped really going out of my way to have our kids go on playdates because my only beef with her is the way she raises her son. So if the kids is the only point of contention between you and your friend, perhaps you need to meet on a more adult level. If she generally annoys you as a person, you have your answer.

T-Gal, you hit the nail on the head about our kids being the only point of contention. When we get together sans kids and do dinner or whatever it isn't bad and we have a lot of laughs. But I have stopped play dates because I feel like she is is studying our kids and I don't like that feeling at all. I just feel that I have other friends that have different parenting styles, yet we all get along just fine and learn from each others different parenting styles you know? But they have never made me feel like crap and said mean things to me, so maybe that's why.

I also know that I agree that as moms we judge each other for sure. I really do try to make a point to remember that everyone's kids are different and all households/schedules are different. And I may internally judge others decisions etc for example, I am not a big pacifier fan once a kid is over a year old and I know that at some point I am sure I came off as preachy on that subject to a friend of mine whose kid still uses one. But she has also given me crap on other stuff so it goes both ways. But I do think that some moms can give and take peacefully while in this relationship I feel like I am constantly taking. I can honestly say that I don't even bring up my son and only answer her when she asks me questions. And even when she asks me questions I don't even like to answer because I know I am going to get an earful on how I am doing something wrong!!

Thanks for your feedback T-Gal! YOu are always a great help! Oh and I am working with my DS on the throwing of his cups and toys as we discussed in my stroller thread! He has gotten out of hand with it and nailed my grandma in the head with a maraca the other day. So it is time outs from now on if he throws anything other than a ball!! Thanks for your help on that!! See constructive criticism is quite ok!!!!!

LOL, not every day one gets hit with a maraca!

Hope you and your friend sort it out. I do understand where you are coming from and while your friend might be more malicious than we'd hope, I do try to give her the benefit of the doubt. With my friends, I do struggle often with how I might be perceived when it comes to Amelia. Amelia is a fairly good girl, who was good sleeper and is well behaved. Some of it is because of me. A lot of it is because of her. I've always felt some resentment (for lack of the better word, because it's not that harsh) from the moms in our group who haven't had things so "easy." I understand because can be envious of good eaters, which Amelia is not (it's an unbelievable struggle on some days). I honestly don't think I talk about her comings and goings, especially since I have PS moms for that, but even then, the perception is there. The other day we were talking about potty training and I said I was very thankful that it wasn't bad. My friend with the triplets said that most everything is always easy with Amelia. I laughed and said, have you tried feeding the kid? She said, well, yeah, Amelia can't be perfect because it "wouldn't be fair to the rest of us."

I really don't get that concept. I couldn't care less if someone else's kid did everything right. But maybe it's because I have yet to meet that kid or her annoying mother.

 

[lizzyann]

You can only do so much before you come across as self righteous. Sh*t, you don't have have to do MUCH to come across self righteous if the other person isn't receptive!

This! See, I am pretty sure she is just like how you say. She MEANS well, but she comes off in the most brash, rude way possible. Plus she had done it to me so many times I couldn't deal with it anymore. I have a friend that is a nurse that always tells me when I "do stuff wrong", but wtf, she's a NICU nurse. She actually knows. This woman doesn't even have kids and was an only child! Bah.

I think a lot of it has to do with the way things are said. Like lizzy said, comparisons are rude. Saying things in a more gentle way is more easily received.

I agree. I think that at some point when people offer their two cents over and over again in a tone that is "I know better", you start to become non-receptive and annoyed.

 

[lizzyann]

Hi Fiery, thanks for responding. I hear your point. I think that the reason I gave that info was so that I could kind of paint a picture of both of ours roads to becoming a mom. I think you are right though that at this point, I just don't think I like her much. I really do hold things against her like like the fact that she took so much for granted during pregnancy and when she had a meltdown when she wasn't having a girl. After having multiple miscarriages, my other friends were very supportive, but when she got pregnant she also made a comment to me saying that maybe I need to stop eating 3pm snickers (as if that was the reason I had miscarried!). So maybe I am reading into things a little, because I am angry with her. I truly could care less that she didn't breastfeed. I have plenty of friends who went straight to formula and I don't judge them, however the fact that she tried to make me feel bad for nursing was my point. She would constantly tell me to stop nursing and my son will sleep longer. I think I already know that I need to cut off communication. She truly causes me anxiety when talking to her. Did I mention she was my boss previously too? I also think that because she was my boss when we got pregnant she still talks to me in that "I know better" tone even when it comes to child raising.

Just saw your note Guilty Pleasure, I know what I have to do. I was just curious on whether you moms come across other moms that seem to think that it is their way or the highway!

Moms judge other moms. It's just the way most (not all...there are some angels out there!) are. And they do it when moms parent in a style different to their own. Even if nothing is said, often the undertone of any disapproval can be felt, and translate into an interpretation of the persons actions as even more negative than it is. I've been on the receiving end, and I have no doubt that at some point, I've been on the giving end.

Your friend obviously has some misinformation (about formula =ing longer sleep and snickers =ing miscarriages). It doesn't seem like either of you has much respect for the other - you obviously think she's a bit of a lughead for the dumb crap that's coming out of her mouth.

The friend that I mentioned on my thread and I have very different parenting styles. During the same lunch that I mentioned on my thread, we were talking about parental preferences and I said Amelia actually prefers me right now. She said, "really? But you're strict." I said, sure I am, but I'm also fun, goofy and very affectionate. But I can see what she thinks...I'm just way too stringent for her. And her discipline is non existent to me when it comes to her son. The truth for both of us probably leans somewhere closer to the middle, objectively speaking, but we're just too different and so the way we see each other falls more to the extreme.

Why am I friends with her? Because I like her. She makes no apology for who she is and what you see is what you get. I don't know why she stays friends with me, but I assume she has her reasons. Sadly, I've stopped really going out of my way to have our kids go on playdates because my only beef with her is the way she raises her son. So if the kids is the only point of contention between you and your friend, perhaps you need to meet on a more adult level. If she generally annoys you as a person, you have your answer.

T-Gal, you hit the nail on the head about our kids being the only point of contention. When we get together sans kids and do dinner or whatever it isn't bad and we have a lot of laughs. But I have stopped play dates because I feel like she is is studying our kids and I don't like that feeling at all. I just feel that I have other friends that have different parenting styles, yet we all get along just fine and learn from each others different parenting styles you know? But they have never made me feel like crap and said mean things to me, so maybe that's why.

I also know that I agree that as moms we judge each other for sure. I really do try to make a point to remember that everyone's kids are different and all households/schedules are different. And I may internally judge others decisions etc for example, I am not a big pacifier fan once a kid is over a year old and I know that at some point I am sure I came off as preachy on that subject to a friend of mine whose kid still uses one. But she has also given me crap on other stuff so it goes both ways. But I do think that some moms can give and take peacefully while in this relationship I feel like I am constantly taking. I can honestly say that I don't even bring up my son and only answer her when she asks me questions. And even when she asks me questions I don't even like to answer because I know I am going to get an earful on how I am doing something wrong!!

Thanks for your feedback T-Gal! YOu are always a great help! Oh and I am working with my DS on the throwing of his cups and toys as we discussed in my stroller thread! He has gotten out of hand with it and nailed my grandma in the head with a maraca the other day. So it is time outs from now on if he throws anything other than a ball!! Thanks for your help on that!! See constructive criticism is quite ok!!!!!

LOL, not every day one gets hit with a maraca!

Hope you and your friend sort it out. I do understand where you are coming from and while your friend might be more malicious than we'd hope, I do try to give her the benefit of the doubt. With my friends, I do struggle often with how I might be perceived when it comes to Amelia. Amelia is a fairly good girl, who was good sleeper and is well behaved. Some of it is because of me. A lot of it is because of her. I've always felt some resentment (for lack of the better word, because it's not that harsh) from the moms in our group who haven't had things so "easy." I understand because can be envious of good eaters, which Amelia is not (it's an unbelievable struggle on some days). I honestly don't think I talk about her comings and goings, especially since I have PS moms for that, but even then, the perception is there. The other day we were talking about potty training and I said I was very thankful that it wasn't bad. My friend with the triplets said that most everything is always easy with Amelia. I laughed and said, have you tried feeding the kid? She said, well, yeah, Amelia can't be perfect because it "wouldn't be fair to the rest of us."

I really don't get that concept. I couldn't care less if someone else's kid did everything right. But maybe it's because I have yet to meet that kid or her annoying mother.

Hahahaha! That's how I feel with this particular friend!! She started potty training her son at 16 months and keeps telling me that I should be pushing it with my son since he is now 18 months. I told her that I put him on the potty on occasion but I am not pressing it yet. Personal decision you know? But I get the lecture! I am glad that Amelia has been a good girl for you though. But it takes a real mom to applaud the achievements and ask for help on the struggles. At least you have said that A struggles with food you know? She sounds like a sweetheart. My little guys isn't a big eater too. It is a daily struggle.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hahahaha! That's how I feel with this particular friend!! She started potty training her son at 16 months and keeps telling me that I should be pushing it with my son since he is now 18 months. I told her that I put him on the potty on occasion but I am not pressing it yet. Personal decision you know? But I get the lecture! I am glad that Amelia has been a good girl for you though. But it takes a real mom to applaud the achievements and ask for help on the struggles. At least you have said that A struggles with food you know? She sounds like a sweetheart. My little guys isn't a big eater too. It is a daily struggle.

Amelia's not struggling...*I* am! It drives me crazy! She seems totally fine with being picky, the little nutter!

I think it's because I choose not to air my struggles on Amelia with my friends that they think it's been easy. The PS toddler moms get the brunt of it. When it came to potty training, I was on FB asking for help, and they were watching it unfold as she had accident after accident that first full day of training. They're the ones who were supportive, gave advice and encouragement when I wasn't sure if I was scarring my kid for life! My IRL friends only saw the results...that she was essentially potty trained after a day, whereas the PS moms know that it took a week of stress before I felt she was good to go.

And I'm all for potty training them later. I still don't see why diapers are a big deal! Public toilets are gross and I felt it was easier to train Amelia later she could communicate and understand me. Way less frustrating on my end anyway. But Amelia was never an overachiever on anything, with perhaps the one exception of sleep training...maybe that's why I'm happy to sit back and just let things happen and accept it. Late roller, late crawler (1 year, for god's sake), late walker, late talker, late, late LATE. (or at least in comparison to the genius toddlers that were born to PS moms in her "class!")

 

[lizzyann]

You can only do so much before you come across as self righteous. Sh*t, you don't have have to do MUCH to come across self righteous if the other person isn't receptive!

This! See, I am pretty sure she is just like how you say. She MEANS well, but she comes off in the most brash, rude way possible. Plus she had done it to me so many times I couldn't deal with it anymore. I have a friend that is a nurse that always tells me when I "do stuff wrong", but wtf, she's a NICU nurse. She actually knows. This woman doesn't even have kids and was an only child! Bah.

I think a lot of it has to do with the way things are said. Like lizzy said, comparisons are rude. Saying things in a more gentle way is more easily received.

People are always REALLY wonderful parents BEFORE they have kids. . .then reality sets in.

Lizzy - there are a lot of things about the woman you've posted about that annoy you. Just move on in your life since you don't want to save the relationship. Maintaining a relationship via email may not be the best since written word is often misinturpreted.

MC, good point on the written word. This friend tends to be blunt even on non kid related topics, so over email I think it comes off even WORSE! I also liked your comment of "People are always REALLY wonderful parents BEFORE they have kids" This couldn't be truer!!! I have another friend, my best friend actually and she doesn't have kids yet, but she always tells me that when she is a parent her kids will not be doing this or that, and I laugh to myself because I can't wait till she sees what it's like once she really has kids! I always tell her "wait and see my friend...wait and see" Ha!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You need to set boundaries. It is none of your business how her pregnancy was, her parenting style, her relationship, her dreams and disappointments just like it is none of her business if you BF, are waiting to PT, are choosing to work, etc. If this is REALLY someone you want a relationship with her you need to accept her for who she is and let go of the rest. Tell her what you need from her in order to make your friendship work. Otherwise you will continue to be resentful with her. Moms do judge moms but it is even more basic than that. People judge people. Period.

 

[lizzyann]

You need to set boundaries. It is none of your business how her pregnancy was, her parenting style, her relationship, her dreams and disappointments just like it is none of her business if you BF, are waiting to PT, are choosing to work, etc. If this is REALLY someone you want a relationship with her you need to accept her for who she is and let go of the rest. Tell her what you need from her in order to make your friendship work. Otherwise you will continue to be resentful with her. Moms do judge moms but it is even more basic than that. People judge people. Period.

Good point Tacori! People judge people, pure and simple. I need to do some hard thinking on whether I want to continue the relationship or not. I don't know if I will be able to stop the resentment and I get too much anxiety when we communicate. I feel like I have to really pay attention to what I want to share with her about E (my son) in order to protect myself from feeling worse. There are some things that happened that I just don't know if I will be able to forget regarding her pre-divorce behavior with her then co-worker, now husband and the fact that she would drink alcohol during her pregnancy. I know a glass of wine is ok on occasion but she had no problem drinking beers etc. And I would get really mad. Mad because I WANTED to get pregnant for so long and here is this intelligent, business woman who is acting like this, but still lecturing me on how to be a good mom. See what I mean...I could go on and on...I don't know if I will be able to move on from all of the back-story resentment you know?

On another note, I am bumming that my BOB stroller isn't coming in till Monday now!!! It was supposed to arrive today and I was looking forward to using it this weekend!!! Ah well!!!! Monday it is! Oh, love the new avatar pic! T is such a cutie!!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Lizzy, she sounds like a high maintenance friend. Do you have energy for that? With age I have learned to cut ties from friends like that because *I* no longer have the time or energy. I am polite to them but have learned who I can rely on for what. I have mental categories so I know who to call for a play date, who to call with a crisis, who to call to go out to lunch, etc. If you don't like her there is nothing wrong with that.

Also, when I find myself judging someone I look objectively at the situation. I ask myself what about that person bothers me and why? Is it a trait that I have that makes me uncomfortable? I also try to think of what the person who I dislike/resent/don't understand has been through. We have all been through our own trials. Someone or some situation has created her to be the adult she is today. My favorite prayer I say daily is "Fix me, bless her/him/them" (whoever is bothering me that day). Helps me.

The BOB will be worth the wait! I am excited for you. Thanks for the compliment on my AV. She is growing up SO fast!

 

[lizzyann]

Tacori, you are right. I feel like if I really valued our friendship I would make it work or want to put the effort in to make it work. And I don't think I want to. Like you said, sometimes you just have to cut ties. I also feel like life is too short. I don't like feeling the way I do and she brings out the worst in me. I don't like that. My brother passed away suddenly at the age of 25 two years ago and it really changed my perspective on life. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. If I get a flat tire, I know it could be worse. If E falls and gets hurt, I know it could be worse. I sometimes get annoyed with people who get their panties in a bunch over such little trivial things in life because I know that things could be a lot worse. But I have that perspective and they don't. I'm glad they don't because I wouldn't have wished upon them the same grief that my family has gone thru. Same thing with the miscarriages. It gave me a perspective on pregnancy and therefore I took nothing for granted when I finally was pregnant. But lately, I feel like this relationship with this friend has brought me more anxiety than joy. I think I will return emails casually with her go forward and try to let snide comments roll off my back knowing now that I have no further expectations in our relationship. I actually feel better already.

 

[monarch64]

Tacori, you are right. I feel like if I really valued our friendship I would make it work or want to put the effort in to make it work. And I don't think I want to. Like you said, sometimes you just have to cut ties. I also feel like life is too short. I don't like feeling the way I do and she brings out the worst in me. I don't like that. My brother passed away suddenly at the age of 25 two years ago and it really changed my perspective on life. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. If I get a flat tire, I know it could be worse. If E falls and gets hurt, I know it could be worse. I sometimes get annoyed with people who get their panties in a bunch over such little trivial things in life because I know that things could be a lot worse. But I have that perspective and they don't. I'm glad they don't because I wouldn't have wished upon them the same grief that my family has gone thru. Same thing with the miscarriages. It gave me a perspective on pregnancy and therefore I took nothing for granted when I finally was pregnant. But lately, I feel like this relationship with this friend has brought me more anxiety than joy. I think I will return emails casually with her go forward and try to let snide comments roll off my back knowing now that I have no further expectations in our relationship. I actually feel better already.

Lizzy, I think you said something very striking with "she brings out the worst in me." That isn't your fault, and it isn't her fault. It just happens to be a fact in your dealings with each other. Neither of you are gaining anything positive from your relationship, it seems, so I really think (and am also basing my opinion on my own past experiences/relationship) that it's time to gently move on. It is my belief that we all deserve to surround ourselves with people who bring out the BEST in us.

I do NOT mean to say that there is something WRONG with people who cause us anxiety or with whom we just don't get along. Not everyone is going to like us, approve of us, build us up, etc. In turn, we cannot always be the person in the relationship who does the liking, the approving, the building-up...ya know?

Just like you say in your paragraph above, life is too short. It's time for you to nonchalantly, undramatically, gracefully, remove yourself from the friendship, wish her the best mentally and emotionally (not necessarily verbally) and replace that friendship with an activity or another friendship that is positive.

I am not yet a parent, but MAN. I have SO been there with 1-2 friends over the years. It is really, really stressful. Best of luck to you in resolving this issue.

 

[mtjoya]

I completely UNDERSTAND/KNOW where you are coming from. It sux cuz it's someone VERY close to me and it sux cuz I can't just cut ties with this particular person. This person's mom makes the comments too. For example, Oh J's doesn't have any teeth yet?! Hmm, so and so is getting a 2nd tooth. Frankly, it's annoying and dumb. It all basically boils down to jealousy. period.