advice on baby planning ( is 35 to old? please tell me no)

[VRBeauty]

The women who had babies in their 30''s are easy to spot... what''s less obvious is the women who tried for a long time or went through fertility treatment of some sort before conceiving, or those who could not conceive. Still, that''s no reason to rush into a pregnancy, especially if you''d be happy either with or without a child.

 

[blissfulbride]

I guess it''s all about what works for the person

. There are many great reason to get pregnant young as well as older. We just feel this plan is what works for us

. It''s like society pressures you to get engaged,married,house,car,children but the minute your plans are completely different it''s all the wrong way

. We don''t have a car nor need one, because we work in NYC, and Live in an area that has no parking

. We don''t want a house, because we want an urban ultra modern living

. We don''t want 2 children (just because people say they have to have a companion). We just want one

. Then the minute you express this to anyone they think your nuts like we have to just follow, But to each is own

. I can buy a chanel bag, and see it as an investment but someone else may see it as a waste of money.

I''m just so glad there are many other women who feel, and understand where im coming from. Like im not the only women who thinks this way, because being constantly surround by these pressures from family and friends starts to make you questioning yourself, and wonder if your way of thinking is wrong

. I just turned 28 in august, and I know my feelings won''t change. I feel it in my gut, because even 32 feel so close. lol

We are realistic, and though my husband and I are doing well financially

. We both want the big pay off, just like we did with our wedding which went perfectly, and was thought out, and planned for 2 and ahalf years.

The only way to get there is cutting any added expenses

. I just feel bad for my parents, and inlaws

. They are counting on us for a grandbaby, but they are going to have wait. Plus science is always advancing, and they already have plenty of pills out there to help. Not that I want to have to go there, but if we have to we will.

I do know that I do want to experience pregnancy, and motherhood, but when Im good and ready.

 

[janinegirly]

bliss~ sounds like you''ve got a good attitude! Definitely do things your own way! These societal pressures are v. hard to ignore, but most of the time it''s b/c people only know their way and they want everyone else to jump on board so they can all talk bout the same 2 topics! Most people do not dare look outside what they know as the "ideals" (2 kids, 1 pet, 2 cars, 5 tv''s, same friends, same routine every sunday etc etc), and in a way it makes sense b/c if everyone did there''d be no order to society!

But i''m like you and always question and have to be independent in my decisions. I still ended up in a pretty traditional spot, but took a different way there and always on my own terms. Even as a newlywed I ran into conflict with the IL''s b/c I still see myself as a unique separate unit, not just an extension of my husband who now must fall in line with the family "ways" (no THANK you). I had a pretty non-traidtional childhood (moved alot) so that has made me see things differently. It has been huge that that my own family never pressures (my dad did things his own way too!).

I''m way off topic, but I just liked your style in your post. Take your time. Everyone chiming in on the 35 thing has to do with the practical side and true life experience...which is v. important obviously..but can still be in line with your philosophy and outlook on life (IF that''s what you want).

 

[blissfulbride]

thank you so much everyony ! i just had a good cry over the phone with my mommie and I feel so much better letting it all out with her. Moms always know what to say to make you feel better.

of course I speak to my husband about everything but its always great to speak to my bestfriend.

thank you again

 

[ladypirate]

Just throwing this out there--my mom had me at 37 (oldest) and my sisters at 40 (twins). No problems with conception or delivery (we were all born without c-sections or pain meds). Growing up, my parents never seemed "old"--most people think that they are around 10 years younger than they actually are and in their 60s they are still super active. I think in a way, having kids late kept them young.

Anyhow, good luck to you.

 

[monarch64]

I''m with Ladypirate--I have older parents and they''re very active as well. And Blissful, you''ll be on the east coast, there are tons of moms there who wait until their 30''s to start families. When my friend Ann lived in NJ, she joined a mom''s group when she had her first at 28 and she was the youngest. She said most of the moms were 35-40 when they had their first.

I''m 32 now, going through a divorce, but if I''m with the right person and can still conceive I will do so.

 

[cara]

Having kids at 35 seems pretty common among a certain demographic, its definitely not too old and many couples have no conception issues at that age. Many wait even longer for many reasons. As long as you are aware of the risks of waiting and are okay with the tradeoffs involved, its fine. Its your life! Your parents and grandparents will have to wait, having a kid is too big an imposition on the parents to do it on someone else''s timeline.

I''ll just say that from my experience, knowing yourself and your own preferences is one thing, but being certain of *timelines* within your preferences and desires is another. I remember myself a few years ago at 29 yro and being 31 yrs certainly seemed pretty close in time, and having a baby or wanting to have a baby seemed far away... But the baby bug can bite and bite fast! Just be ready and open to adjust (or stick to) your timeline as circumstances require. This is different than saying ''you''ll change your mind'' cause you seem to want kids on some level, just not be ready for them yet and have other things you want to do. You may not have it precisely right on when things will start changing your mind - its even possible you''ll hit 35 and not feel ready yet but just the bio-clock ticking ticking and have to logically address the situation rather than wait for when you feel 100% ready.

On that note, I don''t think its particularly risky to wait to 35 before TTC but just know that fertility assistance is very good at helping younger women with fertility troubles conceive, but it DOES NOT reverse age related fertility troubles. For example IVF in younger women can be very successful but it is little help to women over 42, at least with their own eggs. Just something to consider, though 35 is a far cry from maternal age 41 in terms of the risks involved.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Everyone is different, but I do think that having them a *little* younger is easier. It isn''t about fertility in my mind so much as the physical difficulties of pregnancy, labour, and post-partum recovery. This are hard times physically, and any extra bit of biological oomph you have goes a long ways.

 

[phoenixgirl]

You shouldn''t have kids sooner than you''re ready just because you might be "too old" later. That said, while lots of people conceive at later ages, the truth is that fertility decreases with age, and no one can tell you for certain if you will or won''t have problems conceiving (maybe even independent of your age). You''ll just have to find out if/when the time is right for you to start trying.

 

[janinegirly]

I don''t know if it was just me (and I have nothing to compare it to), but I did not find pregnancy taxing or that my labor/PP recovery was any worse due to age. In fact I think I did pretty good. I walked to work up till 2 wks before birth (only stopped b/c they made me work from home at that point), delivered on the due date and recovery wasn''t fun, but nothing out of the ordinary. I just don''t think my body was noticeably older or more sluggish than it would have been 5 yrs earlier--so personally can''t support that as a reason to think 2x about waiting.

Being older has made it harder for planning for #2 (that''s been the biggest drawback) and also in the sense that I''m set in my ways so harder to adjust to the upheaval in routine and expectations of what I can / can''t do (not physically, more like travel, friends, leisure, couple time).

I may start a thread one day to hear more about those who had older parents, I''m curious to hear in more detail what it was like from a child''s perspective.

 

[partgypsy]

TOFTS ROTF
My husband and I have definitely said those words many a time (not so much our first but with our second). We are glad we have survived the toddler years!
FYI I had my first at 35, had my second the same month I turned 39 (no medical assistance, both natural births). My friend who is older than me by a few years had kids almost the same years, making her 37, 38 and 41-42? for her 2 pregancies (no assistance).

But- I have known people younger than me unable to conceive in their early thirties on, which makes me think fertility is a very individual thing. So what other people can or cannot do isn''t too relevant. For you 35 might be just right, or maybe it is too late, or getting to be you can only conceive after very expensive medical assistance.

As been said ad nauseum before, it''s not just about fertility but energy, time, etc. Only have kids when you can welcome in your life. But don''t wait too long. If I was going to make an artificial deadline for first pregnancy I would push it to 34.

Good luck! It sounds like an exciting time in your life.

 

[redfaerythinker]

I''m going to be the voice of dissent here. I don''t think 35 is way too old... but if you wait much longer than that I definitely think it would be a bad idea. My parents were married for ten years before they had me, my father was 38. He died at 59. Now i''m not saying that this is the case for everyone. But if you were to wait until you were 37-40 or so, you would be 70 when your child was 30. How do you think your child would feel if you died while they were young, before you could see your grandchildren. I know I still need my daddy... but I have been robbed of all of those experiences because my parents wanted ten years of time to themselves.

I know i''m the exception, not the norm... but it''s still a valid thought.

 

[Dancing Fire]

i finish changing diapers before i turn 31.

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

I think it''s impossible to say when it''s the best time to have kids. My first was born when I was 21, and I''m going to be 42 when this one is born. I wouldn''t suggest that everyone have a child at 21 because I think I could have been a better mom to my firstborn if I had waited a few years. I also wouldn''t say that there''s a magic cut off age when you should no longer have kids.

My SO is 48, so yeah, he''s an older dad. Our almost 3 year old was an "oops." We struggled quite a bit with whether to try for another or not simply because of our ages. We finally decided that the possibility of one or both of us dying before this child is an adult isn''t a reason not to have another. In the past couple of years, we''ve had too many acquaintances die at early ages (in their 40s) so we know there are simply no guarantees in this life. We have made sure that we''re covered financially in case something happens to us and we''re just hoping for the best.

I also wouldn''t have children at an early age just because of the possibility of having trouble conceiving later. Some people have problems when they''re in their 20s, and some manage to get pregnant relatively easily into their 40s. We tried for 15 months for this baby, although it wasn''t serious trying the whole time. I charted for a while and then got tired of it. We had no medical intervention at all. I chose to have the first trimester screening for Downs/Trisomy 13/18 and my results were that I had the same risks as a 23 year old.

When my older kids were young, I had more energy, but less wisdom and less money. Now, I have a bit less energy, but more wisdom and more money. There''s always a trade off.

(And fwiw, this pregnancy really hasn''t been much harder than the ones when I was younger. I did have all day morning sickness and I get a bit more tired, but that''s it.)

 

[HVVS]

Another thing to consider, and I hate to be the chilling little voice in the night here, is just how important are kids to your husband and his family, and should this wait? Men are stupid, sometimes, and you may have to think for both of you. I had a marriage end partly over this kids issue. You might be smarter, as a couple, to get 2nd jobs, trim back the lifestyle, pay off the wedding (who borrows for a wedding anyway?!) and have a child.

I met my now-ex when I was 32 and I married him at 36. From the time that relationship went serious, I wanted one child. I kept telling him "If we want kids, we do it NOW, not later, due to age and fertility." He always said that he wanted time for us now and no kids now and he''d think about it later. Okay, fine by me, but I meant I wanted to do it by in my 30s or never. Well, when he eventually decided it was important to him, I was 1) recovering from surgery to remove uterine fibroids, and 2) he''d managed to run us over $40k in credit card debt alone and there was no way that I was going to be childbearer and also pay off dumbazz''s debts, so end of marriage. To top it all off, throughout the whole courtship and marriage, I had to listen to his mother yak about how much she wanted grandchildren and how "a younger wife" was never a bad idea, and what "the second wife" could with the home''s decor, and etc. I don''t miss either one of those parasites by any means. BUT, now that I am single, past 45, and dating, I''m stuck in an irritating world of families and many men my age are all whooped up about spending time with their grandkids and I *really* don''t want bothered with domestic chores, childrearing, and family life. TOFTS? No, just WAY too far beyond it, ROFL! Don''t slow down my travelin'' time, Grandpa!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 10/8/2009 10:04:26 AM
Author: janinegirly
I don''t know if it was just me (and I have nothing to compare it to), but I did not find pregnancy taxing or that my labor/PP recovery was any worse due to age. In fact I think I did pretty good. I walked to work up till 2 wks before birth (only stopped b/c they made me work from home at that point), delivered on the due date and recovery wasn''t fun, but nothing out of the ordinary. I just don''t think my body was noticeably older or more sluggish than it would have been 5 yrs earlier--so personally can''t support that as a reason to think 2x about waiting.

Being older has made it harder for planning for #2 (that''s been the biggest drawback) and also in the sense that I''m set in my ways so harder to adjust to the upheaval in routine and expectations of what I can / can''t do (not physically, more like travel, friends, leisure, couple time).

I may start a thread one day to hear more about those who had older parents, I''m curious to hear in more detail what it was like from a child''s perspective.

My mom was 38 and my dad was 45. I was adopted, so I can''t speak for my mom''s biology. However, for me it was really hard. I have two older brothers from my dad''s first marriage that are 18 and 20 years older. So I was a flower girl for one''s wedding at the ripe old age of 7, and became an aunt at 10. (The other one was a big slower, so I wasn''t a BM for him until 19.) I always get the "Oh you''re D''s granddaughter!" (my dad) because he''s 72, and I''m a young looking 27. Or they think my brothers are my dads. But it''s not just them.

My dad is the younger of two brothers, and his older bro has 4 children, all about the same age as my brothers. The oldest had their daughter when I was 6, so she is the closest relative i have in age. I''ve always been stuck by myself while she was running around with her younger cousins, and my older relatives (of the same generation as myself) would be talking about "grown-up things".

But that wasn''t it by any means. My dad was always too old and too tired to go running around doing stuff with me in the backyard, and my next door neighbor (who was like a grandpa to me) taught me how to ride a bike. And of course I always had the oldest parents in my classes. (Except for that one guy that had a 75 year old dad when he was ten.) And for lots of reasons, that was hard for my mom and for me.

I can''t tell you how many times I''ve been asked if my mom or dad was a grandparent, and it really bothered me.

Actually just the other day I stopped by my dad''s office to fax some wedding stuff, and when he came in, there was an attorney with him and when someone else told him who I was he said, "Oh thats her? I had heard she was a little young thing, I didn''t realize just how young they meant!"

BTW, FI also had older parents, and he has some of the same complaints than I have (not being able to run around and play catch with his dad, etc) so we have decided that if we decide to have kids, 35 is the cut off point. The earlier, the better, and we''d have to decide probably by 33 at the latest.

 

[diamondringlover]

I have 2 boys, I had my first son at age 24 (spent 25th birthday in the hospital) I went off the pill and basically got pregnant within 2-3 weeks

no problems, well we couldnt decide if we wanted anymore and we lived in a very tiny house with only 2 bedrooms, so there was nowhere to put another baby, so we held off, so fast forward about 7 years, we moved in to a 4 bedroom house and decided it was time to have another baby, I was 32 at the time, it took me over 3 years to conceive our 2nd son, I had him 4 months past my 36th birthday, I did not do any fertility treatment, I figured I already had one wonderful son and if we had another or not it was ok either way...so after awhile I just kinda quit thing about it and then I got pregnant, it certainly is a little more tiring when you are a little older, but its worth it. My boys are now 12 and 23 and they are both wonderful kids, I am truely lucky

 

[janinegirly]

interesting reading the last few posts. I''m kind of sad to read some share that they felt they missed out with older parents. I appreciate the honesty though.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 10/13/2009 10:53:54 AM
Author: janinegirly
interesting reading the last few posts. I'm kind of sad to read some share that they felt they missed out with older parents. I appreciate the honesty though.

My parents weren't that old, but my mom was 30 and my dad was 35 when they had me (so I consider my mom average aged, but my dad is bordering on the "old parent" thing). Frankly, I didn't have a single problem with it and didn't miss out on anything. Heck, my dad is 60 now and bikes at least 100 miles a week. He could kick my 25 year old butt! So I think parents who had kids from 30-35 are a great age and not old parents at all.

I do have friends whose dads turned 60 early in our early high school years, and they did have different childhoods with their fathers because of it. One of those dads is 70 now and my friend is often worried about him in the ways you'd typically be worried about your grandfather (loss of hearing, being confused, health problems, etc). However, not all 70 year olds are in the same position that he is and most of my friends with 70 year old parents don't have the same worries or concerns at all.

I haven't had kids yet so I can't really comment, but I plan to wait until about 35 to have kids. I would only like one, so I think this is a perfect age for me. FI wants 2, and if we decide to go that route I guess I would want to start a little earlier. Basically I'm just waiting for the bug to bite me and then go from there

 

[Delster]

My Dad was 40 when I was born and I have never once been asked is he my grandfather. It honestly never occurred to me until I left for university that my Dad was older than most of my friends'' Dads. I haven''t a single memory of Dad not being able to do something with me or my brother that we wanted to do. He''s still super energetic now and doesn''t look remotely near his age (fingers crossed I got that gene!).

So I really do think it depends on the person. If you continue to feel young and sprightly, don''t worry about holding on till you''re 35... IMHO when it comes to planning your family, the most important thing is that you have your children when you feel ready for them. Don''t have them at a time that feels too soon to you just because someone else puts pressure on you because of your age or how long you''ve been married. Factor in all the energy/fertility/savings questions, and make the best decision for yourself.

 

[GliderPoss]

BLISSFULBRIDE, I suggest you immedaitely go to your GP and discuss with him your fertility, look at family history maybe even get an egg-count test (is that possible?).
In my opinion - yes there is still lots of time for some people. For others there isn't! ie. You'll never know unless you start trying or get medical tests done.

My mum had lots of trouble and she started at 23, but eventually she had 4 children (although there are 4 year gaps). It took her 4 years to get pregnant, so I guess what I'm saying is you should do it when you feel the time is right BUT be careful about missing the fertility boat altogether. You have clearly stated some goals you want to achieve first - thats a great idea. I certainly wouldn't let family pressure get to you.

Best of luck