advice on baby planning ( is 35 to old? please tell me no)

[blissfulbride]

My husband and I have only been married 5 months are we are already feeling the social pressure to have a baby. But we are just having to much fun together. We come and go when we please. We are able to make it to all social events. We can shop till we drop and travel 4 times a year. We are currently still paying off our wedding which we dont mind at all because it was expected and we prepared ourself. We certainly when over budget. But we want to save for our dream condo in manhattan and want to focus on that first which will take is a few years to make happen. I just don''t see a baby fitting in to our plans anytime soon. I mean anytime soon and im 28 and he is 29 ! i was really hoping to start by 35 is that possible?


thank you

 

[janinegirly]

Of course it''s not too late, I was preg at 35 had her at 36. I was married at 35 though, so wasn''t all by choice, just how things turned out. So no it''s not too late, however it''s more important to be sure you will want kids since you seem to be pushing it to the very last minute---6 years is a long time, and you''ve only been married 5 months, why make that decision now? Take it year by year and see how you feel. 35 is a common age now for ladies to have a baby...if you want 2-3 kids though, it makes it tougher. However, it''s not necessarily an age to AIM to have your first child more, more circumstantial I would think.

Enjoy being a newlywed and see how you feel in 2 years, that would be my general suggestion.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Do you mean is it possible to pay off the wedding and save for a condo in the next 7 years? I think anything is possible if you're willing to do whatever it takes.

I'd sit down with your DH and get on a written budget so you can get that wedding paid off ASAP. No more shopping till you drop I don't know what is feasible based on your salaries, but for a year I wouldn't travel, wouldn't eat out, wouldn't buy anything that wasn't unnecessary and just get it paid off. Then put the same commitment towards saving. You'd be surprised how much you can save if you really commit to living on less than you earn--for years we lived on 40% of our incomes (after taxes and investments) so we could save, save, save. You could even get a second job if it's important to you to reach this goal by a certain time.

The social pressure and having fun together is a whole other issue. Certainly don't have kids just because you think you're supposed to (I'm sure you already know that). Or if you feel a baby doesn't fit into your lifestyle. If you would prefer to continue travelling on whim, come and go as you please and love the ability to put yourselves first, there is NOTHING wrong with that...a baby may not be what you guys want.

I am also 28 and DH and I love to travel, have a ton of hobbies and are loving being newlyweds (even though we just passed the 2-year mark).We aren't the kind of people who've dreamed of being parents and I know we'd have a very fulfilling life without kids, however kids are something we've decided we want and we have a plan going forward. We took inventory of all the things we wanted to do before having kids and we are going to complete that list before we start TTC. Earlier this year we made a list of goals we wanted to achieve and trips we wanted to take. We have knocked two off the list so far. My husband is climbing the Matternorn next year. We have more trips lined up. We are in the process of buying a house. My point is that if you make the decision and really plan for it, there is no reason you can't achieve any goal you make. So if you decide you do want kids, I think it's very feasible to accomplish what you want to accomplish before you're 35--you just have to be really committed to doing it.

 

[blissfulbride]

your so right lady, and today im going to type up a list of goals for us before we have a baby. We have so many dreams, and want them all to happen. We both know when we focus things do happen. I just sometimes feel like im the only one who feels this way. I want to hear others with the same lifestyle. Just because we are married doesnt mean we want to start a family asap.

 

[MustangGal]

35 could be a bit late to plan for, especially if you end up having fertility issues. That''s a long way off, so instead of setting a year deadline, like others mentioned, set a goal deadline. That''s what DH and I did. It took us 3 years to pay off student loans, take a few nice trips, fix up our house, and put 6 months of expenses away incase one of us lost a job. For now enjoy being a newlywed! I do also think it''s important to have some "just the 2 of you" time before you throw a baby into the mix as well.

 

[Mara]

i am turning 35 this month and 5+ months pregnant with our first (and probably only) child. we''ve been together almost 10 years and married for 5. we really enjoyed our ''us'' time together...so much in fact that we weren''t even sure we wanted to have kids. the jury was really out. it wasn''t until the last 2 years we have been talking about it more and really discussing forthrightly what we were thinking about the future.

personally i don''t think that any age is really ''too old'' because age is just a number BUT your body might have other ideas. i have some friends who are 38-40 and are having a really hard time getting pregnant... a fair amt of acupuncture, visits to the dr, no infertility visits just yet but it might get there. the dr told one of them that their eggs were still good but aging quickly. so in my opinion it''s better earlier than later BUT don''t rush into doing anything just because. i also have other friends who are 34 and this year have started to think about kids soon and have visited their dr to do all the requisite checks for both of them, just to make sure there aren''t any obvious issues up front.

FYI the social pressure will ALWAYS be there. our families started asking us at the wedding when we were going to have kids and every year after that it was more questions and ''when when when''. we just kept doing our own thing until we felt like it could be time. luckily mother nature and my body cooperated immediately.

the one thing i will say about having kids at this age, is that i def feel like my body is not as ''young'' as it used to be, meaning that i am feeling more aches and pains in general, not even related to pregnancy, but i know that my body is aging...and i know at my age it could take me longer to ''bounce back'' afterwards. i joke around that i wish i had met my husband 3-4 years earlier so i''d be younger NOW with the baby, but that''s not the way life works right?? just enjoy your new marriage...pay off your debt....beef up the savings and get yourselves into a position you feel comfortable bringing a child into.

one last thing...you may already be thinking about that but you mention a dream condo in manhattan. if you are also thinking about kids, just make sure you want to raise your kids in that dream condo...think about your very long-term goals, including schooling, and think about your retirement too... we are closer to retirement starting a family later than our parents were obviously...if you plan to save for their college then you will be saving for your retirement jointly as well if you start later. again, no reason to rush, but for us this was all info we kept in the back of our minds just to be informed. enjoy married life and CONGRATS!

 

[janinegirly]

mara makes a good point re: dream condo in nyc. We have the condo in nyc and rented it out & moved to the ''burbs once the baby was born. People certainly do raise kids in Manhattan (look at curly) but space is an issue and schooling an even bigger one. Pre-school is expensive & super competitive and public schools not so hot (at least not that I''m familiar with). Private schools are exhorbitant.

So yes, think goals, finances, big picture stuff. LOTS of time though in your case!

 

[Jas12]

Enjoy having FUN and worry about it in a few years. You just never know when baby fever will hit. DH and I dated for 10 years before getting married, so lots of play time, but we still planned to enjoy a year or two of being newlyweds before TTC BUT, during our engagment we both got baby fever bad and decided to start a family immediately. You just don''t know what life will throw at you. Like others have said, don''t place yourself on a timeline, ignore the pressure to have babies right now and enjoy your life.
Also, I would get that wedding paid for in the mean time. You may not want to work after a baby comes along and it sounds like you have a great lifestyle so not having any debt would be a terrific way to start a family and eliminates some stress from a huge life change . It is something I wish i had done!

 

[vespergirl]

The medical opinion that I was given by all of my doctors was that I should try to be done having children by the time I was 35. Because at 35, your chance for a baby with a genetic abnormality skyrockets, and even the tests that check for those diseases (amnio, CVS) carry a risk of causing miscarriage or birth defects.

That said, I know plenty of people who have had healthy babies after 35 (including one friend who did so at 44, but only after 6 rounds of miscarriages and failed IVF - that one healthy baby cost them over $100K in fertility treatments to have). Generally, almost everyone I know who had babies after 35 needed medical assistance to conceive. I also do have 2 friends over 35 who had babies with down syndrome.

I had no problem conceiving my first at 29, but tons of problems when I tried again at 32 (it took me 10 months and fertility drugs to get pregnant). My doctor told me that fertility starts to decline at 28, so it''s not uncommon to have issues for some even in your early 30s.

That said, you guys should do what is best for you, but waiting until 35 can involve a lot of extra time/worry/cost/risky medical procedures. If you are married now in your late 20s, maybe wait until you are 32 or 33, but if it were me, I would try to be done by 35, the way most doctors recommend.

 

[TravelingGal]

I had a child at 35. My first, possibly my last.

How many kids do you think you''d like to have? Because I tell you, there is a reason that those of us over 35 consider just having one child. You may feel young, but as Mara mentioned, nothing like getting pregnant to realize that your body HAS aged without you realizing it. Post partum, it''s even more evident. I''m a pretty energetic person, but let''s face it...I''m an energetic 35 year old, not an energetic 28 year old.

When you''re 35+ you develop a serious case what I call TOFTS (Too Old For This Sh*t). The thought of being sleep deprived with baby #2? Yeah, TOFTS. Dealing with a fussy, teething baby? TOFTS. Trying to teach a kid how to eat solids when they aren''t interested at all and you have to take them to occupational therapy? TOFTS, TOFTS, TOFTS.

I love my child DEARLY. I like the idea of a second one but loathe the idea of going through it again. I''m on the downhill slope baby, and it''s hard to think about going back. I''m also not a very maternal person, so maybe that''s it.

The problem, when you have your first child at 35, you have to think pretty fast if you want baby #2. My time is ticking. It''s next year or nothing for us, and we haven''t even gotten the nerve to start trying yet.

And, as others have mentioned, people think they have all the time in the world, then realize their bodies have run the race without them. My cousin started trying at 35. She will be 38 in December and they still do not have a baby.

I started a thread around here some time ago, asking older moms (35+) if they could do it all over again and give up their life experiences for the last 10 years in order to be with their child longer (meaning having them at 25 instead of 35), would they? The answer was unequivocably no, but nearly every one said they would have liked to maybe have their first kid at age 32 or 33. So IMHO, do what you gotta do...have those experiences...they are wonderful (I had them) but if you want a family, get cracking at age 32...it is the "magic age."

 

[janinegirly]

vesper: my dr. told me to be done having kids by "40". Guess in nyc everyone pushes the limits..

tgal: "TOFTS"..LOVE it! Great post..I don''t actually feel that my body is too old, but I do think wow, raising an dependent child for the rest of my pre senior citizen years does sound a bit exhausting...

 

[blissfulbride]

Oh we only do want one child, because we want to be able to provide everything we can and we are being honest with ourselfs with know what we can afford. Plus we don''t want to give up out lifestyle. I know the condo idea isn''t the most ideal living for a family but this is something that we have dreamt of and we just can''t see giving that up to planning around a baby who isn''t even here yet. We want to just set our lives up the way we both want to and then just adjust when finally decide to have a child. This is of course... a ways away, because we are still paying of the wedding. We intend on getting that out the way before we do anything. It''s our main priority at the moment, but people always say there''s never any perfect time to have a baby it just happens. Meanwhile I live my whole life around planning, and perfect timing. They also say your never really ready, but I disagree. We think we would just know !

We both know how serious it is to raise a child, and that''s why we are waiting. We just love how things are right now.

 

[blissfulbride]

tgal your to much (tofts) thats a classic, and its seem as though many of the women here are happy with their decision to wait till their 30s. May 33 would be a better bet I just feel like is super soon and its so scary. Time just started flying the minute I became a married women.

 

[curlygirl]

TOFTS--there isn''t a day that goes by in my life that I don''t say that at least 5 or 6 times so thanks for that one, TGal!!!

I got married at 35, got pregnant 6 months later, had 1st baby at 36. We were really enjoying having one child and had gotten past the sleepless nights, etc. when I found myself pregnant again when she was only 8 months old.

Yes, it does happen! I was 37 when I gave birth to #2. I went through the gamut of emotions, the biggest one being fear. I just didn''t know how I would be able to function in my NYC one bedroom condo with a full time job, a 17 month old and a newborn and everyone kept telling me how hard it would be. Well, let me tell you, it ain''t easy but it''s not impossible either! Now that my oldest is almost 2.5 and the little one just turned 1, I am beyond relieved that we "got it over with". But having them so close together presents many challenges and most days I really feel TOFTS! And while I relish my fabulous city life, it is super expensive to have 2 in daycare/preschool and I am certainly concerned about what will happen when they have to go to school. Fortunately we are zoned for an excellent public school but that''s only till 5th grade so then what? While we are saving for our retirements and their college funds, we are also thinking that we may have to save up for their middle school/high school funds if we stay here!

Again, it makes me feel TOFTS!

So, yeah, really think about what you want and what is important to you and your husband. Save up as much money as you can and try to have realistic expectations. And remember, based on TGal''s ultra-scientific study that many of us contributed to, 32 is the magic age.

 

[TravelingGal]

Ha Curly...you''re just supermom is all. Even supermoms have case of TOFTS here and there.

If anyone wants to see the ultra scientific study (which I believe actually does have a lot of merit), you can see it at: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/old-fogie-moms-q-for-ya.117420/

 

[blissfulbride]

wow tgal that was a great thread and im hooked on reading it. I''m going to print it out and go over it with my husband.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Have you gone to a dr. for a physical? Everyone here is talking of friends 35+ with fertility problems, but my friend who was only 28 or 29, at the time ended up spending tens of thousands before finally becoming pregnant. A dr. can provide info we cannot

Best of luck.

 

[MustangGal]

Another point in the decision, is that having a baby doesn''t mean the end of your life. I have an almost 8 month old. We still go out to dinner a few times a month (taking the baby with us), go to BBQs with our friends, we''ve been to the beach, gone camping, visited family, and done a lot of the things we did pre-baby. We plan to travel more once he''s 3 or so, potty trained, mobile, and able to get something out of the experience. Life doesn''t end with the positive pee test, it''s just a little bit different life to enjoy

.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/6/2009 1:42:53 PM
Author: MustangGal
Another point in the decision, is that having a baby doesn''t mean the end of your life. I have an almost 8 month old. We still go out to dinner a few times a month (taking the baby with us), go to BBQs with our friends, we''ve been to the beach, gone camping, visited family, and done a lot of the things we did pre-baby. We plan to travel more once he''s 3 or so, potty trained, mobile, and able to get something out of the experience. Life doesn''t end with the positive pee test, it''s just a little bit different life to enjoy

.

Yep, second to that. As I posted in the hangout, I am one to never ask for favors, so DH and I have taken our kids everywhere. My MIL watches them once a month, but that is it, so we''ve learned to taylor our lives around activities both our kids AND we like and can do.

The one activity we mostly haven''t been able to do (which always has been our favorite) is go to movies very often. We did take them to Harry Potter, though. . .lol

 

[trillionaire]

I''d look into family medical history... any late babies there?

My mom had my sister at 34, no problems, so 35 might not be a stretch for me...

My friend''s family, the women all struggle with pregnancy after their 20''s. Every one of them.

Other friends, lots of kids, including twins, from 35-39, with no problems.


Look at the medical history in your family!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I know lots of people who have had babies in their late 30''s. There is a little more risk health wise, but but numbers are still pretty low. You need to be aware of them, but don''t let them hold you back.

For some people it does become harder to conceive after 35 and they need some help by a fertility expert. I worked with one in medical school and he stated that at age 42, he recommended against women using their own eggs, just to give you an idea of when he got concerned.

FYI, I am 30 and still not married (but hope to be engaged soon). I want 2 kids, I am hoping to be done by 35, so maybe my first one at 32 and second at 34, we will see.

 

[blissfulbride]

I just hate that''s its up to my eggs and ovaries. I won''t have everything perfect till about 35! My mom had my brother at 31 if that matters at all

 

[janinegirly]

In my amateur opinion, fertility isn't as huge an issue once you hit 35 as they have you believe. Many women have issues in their 20's etc--so I guess it's more that if you do have an existing condition, you would have less time at 35, than 25, to get to the bottom of it. I remember being 34 (engaged but not married) and I asked my dr. if there was some test I could take to see if things were ok in that department. I have no idea if she was giving me a lot of hot air, but she said there was no such test while I was on the Pill and the best "test" was to try to get pg asap! I was like, uh ok, but the timing is not right. And she said the longer you wait, the less you'll feel ready..don't think too much! Kind of funny but I guess I could see her point. Things don't have to be perfect--yes, have a plan, options, start saving, and then when/if it happens, you will have the tools to adjust! Even if you're living in that dream condo in the least child friendly area possible (like we were..Times Sq!!)--you will adjust or do what it takes!

 

[blissfulbride]

thank you so much! i a long ways from now but its just something that of course is in the back of my mind always

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 10/6/2009 3:12:20 PM
Author: blissfulbride
I just hate that''s its up to my eggs and ovaries. I won''t have everything perfect till about 35! My mom had my brother at 31 if that matters at all

Well talk to whoever designed the ovary to make all of our eggs while we were still fetuses and tell them that was a bad design

As I said, a lot of my co workers had babies in their late 30''s (and early 40''s) and all of those kids are healthy.

 

[Allisonfaye]

First of all, don''t have a baby because of societal pressures. My guess is that everyone is telling you that fertility only lasts so long and you better start now. It is funny. When I was in my 30''s, everyone thought you could have a baby until forever with science. Then, right around my late 30''s, all these articles about fertility problems started coming out and everyone knew someone who had fertility problems. I totally get where you are coming from because I too freaked out. I got married at 39 though. We knew we wanted kids but since I had never been pregnant, I was certain I couldn''t conceive. My husband and I traveled alot when we first got married and just before. It was great! We had $$ to burn. Haha. I figured it would take me 2 years to get pregnant. I got pregnant with my first in four cycles at 40. The only reason it took me 4 cycles was because I had no idea when or even if, I ovulated. I charted one month and boom. That was it. I was sure she would be my only child, like Mara. But 11 months later, DH and looked at each other and asked each other if we wanted to try again and we both said yes. Got pregnant the first cycle. So, while I don''t want to lead you down the primrose path in terms of how easy it is to conceive late, the stories like mine are probably not told as often. Live it up. Have fun. You have a few years before you freak out. And to be quite honest, you don''t sound sure if you even want kids. But that is ok. It is a LOT of work. So don''t do it because your family wants you to.

 

[Pandora II]

I got pregnant a few weeks after my 36th birthday...and Daisy was born in May.

I do come from a family where my female blood relatives all have to try hard NOT to get preggo, and my mother and I both had late menarches (17) and she didn''t start the menopause till she was 58, so I reckoned that my genetics would work in my favour. Plus I have always had a clockwork 27/28 day cycle. If I hadn''t had these points in my favour I would have been a lot less happy to take as long as I did just thinking about it...

I''m almost certainly stopping at 1, it''s just so exhausting and I only have me, her and DH to look after, I can''t imagine the chaos if I added in another one!

That said, it shouldn''t stop you doing anything you want to do. I don''t have any help at all, and no-one who can babysit so when DH and I go out, bebe comes too. And it''s not a problem...

Last night DH came home from work and told me to get some shoes on as he was taking me out for dinner - he''s off on his 3rd work trip in as many weeks - I grabbed my shoes and the baby''s bag and off we went. She sat on my knee and watched everyone else in the restaurant and DH and I ate. Because we''ve been doing this since she was newborn she''s relaxed with it and pretty much silent so we can take her to really nice restaurants without worrying that she''ll make a big fuss or anything.

I will say that breastfeeding makes the whole ''spontaneous'' thing much more easy - and is very handy if you need to keep them really quiet! The only thing I''d not yet do is take her to the theatre or the cinema - just in case she spoilt it for other people.

 

[Mara]

lol TG...I already feel TOFTS and the kid isn''t even here yet hehee. that is also why i think we might be a single child family... i think back to when my mom had my sister at age 40 and how they are now... she is a great young adult but they were TOFTS and too TIRED to do a lot of the same things that they did with us. at some point life can take its toll if you have been living it for 10 years longer than younger parents. we are still young at heart but i def feel it more in my bones when i get up in the morning, greg too. more aches and pains... less memory, hahaha.

also we live in a super expensive area and the idea of schooling this one kid is already giving me heart palps so 2? or daycare for 2? or a bigger house for 2? jeez. sooo we''ll start with one and go from there but i am not holding out any hope we''ll be a multi-kiddie family. i think we will be ecstatic with our one and our Portia and call it a day.

 

[Pandora II]

Just wanted to add for those who feel that they don''t want to be ''older'' parents that I think there is a big difference between first time older parents and parents who have a late ''oops'' added in.

My youngest sister is nearly 14 years younger than me and my parents were definitely TOFTSA (add the AGAIN). My mother was younger than I am now, but she had 4 kids!

First time round it''s all still a novelty and you still want to do all the fun stuff - you just need a spa next door to help you recuperate from it all on a semi-daily basis!

I also think that pregnancy and childbirth can take it out of you a whole lot more. I had a horrible time being pregnant and a pretty horrible labour and birth as well. Nearly five months on, I''m still suffering the consequences of a physically traumatic delivery although things are gradually going back to normal. Again that can really impact on how you feel the first few months.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I had 4 kids before I turned 30 and a 5 at 36. I felt way older and it was harder. Then my best friend had a baby at 40. People do it all the time now. Most of my sons friends moms
(He''s now 13) are in their early 30''s so I am like the oldest mom there. Dont know if that would bug you, and not something to base your decision on at all, just throwing it out
there.