Advice Needed: How to Break Bad Sleep Habits?

[CurlySue]

Hi all! Hoping some of your experienced mamas can offer some advice and/or encouragement. Apologies in advance for the long post - just figured some background info might help.

My DD turned 1 about 2 weeks ago. Since she was 4 months, her sleep has been all over the map. She has had a few different periods where she slept through the night (7:30pm-~6:00am). Those periods were short-lived; the longest one lasted was about 3 weeks. When she wasn't sleeping through the night, more often than not she was a decent sleeper - she'd maybe wake once, maybe twice overnight, but all we'd need to do was pick her up for maybe 5-10 minutes and she'd fall back asleep.

Over the last 2 months, she's actually settled into a very predictable and healthy napping schedule. She generally naps between 45mins-1hr in the mid-morning and between 1-2hrs in the mid-afternoon. During the week at daycare, she puts herself to sleep for those naps and naps in a pack and play.

We have done no sustained sleep-training, mainly b/c even when things were bad, it seemed that with a little bit of time, she'd fall back into decent sleeping patterns. So I convinced myself that eventually, she'd just figure things out on her own (yeah, right!!!!!) and I then convinced DH we should just give it more time before committing to any sort of training.

I know that we have developed some bad sleep habits that need to be broken at some point, and I'm just not really sure how/where to start.

1. She nurses to sleep at bedtime - it's the last part of our nightly routine.
2. When she is not at daycare, she only naps on DH, me, or someone she trusts.
3. Over the last 6 weeks, it has become increasingly difficult to get her back to sleep after her night wakings (which happen between 1-3am). The only way we have been able to get her back to sleep is to pull her into bed with us (at which point, she sleeps very peacefully).

She's cutting a LOT of teeth right now (3 in the last 4 weeks with another one that looks like it might pop through in the next week) and is in the early stages of walking. So my heart is telling me that her night wakings might be because of this... but my head is telling me that she has just learned that if she wakes up in the middle of the night and cries long enough, her wimpy mama will just scoop her up into bed for the rest of the night.

So given all that information... knowing that we need to break some of these habits at some point... where should we start? Naps in her crib on the weekends? Breaking the nursing to sleep routine? Or not co-sleeping to solve our MOTN problems?

 

[mia1181]

To answer your question at the end. I personally, would work on the naps first. If you know she falls asleep on her own at daycare. There is no reason she wouldn't be able to at home. That should be an "easy" place to start. The highest priority issue for the family is probably the nightwakings/cosleeping, but if you tackle the naps successfully you will be much more confident and ready to work on the night sleep.

I would also suggest reading up on different sleep training philosophies and seeing which ones suite your family the best.

I can tell you from professional and personal experience that cry-it-out sleep training will result in a child that is able to fall asleep on his/her own and sleep through the night. But that is something that not everyone can do. And if done improperly, will do more harm on everyone than good. If that is a method you are interested in, I can answer any questions you might have. But there are many different options out there.

Oh and my daughter was STTN at like 3-4 months I think, but I nursed her to sleep at night until she was 11ish months (?). I'm not sure when exactly because there was a point where she wasn't falling asleep from it so I was nursing her but just not to sleep. Anyway, even though nursing to sleep can be seen as a "sleep crutch," we never had a problem with it. I think it's only a problem if the baby wakes up immediately once you put them in the crib. DD would often open her eyes when I put her in the crib and roll over and go to sleep on her own. So personally, I would probably put that one off for a little bit. Especially since you already know she does have the skill of putting herself to sleep from daycare.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I am no sleep expert at all and have only had to do minimal training (like Mia, when needed I've done CIO and it works well for our family). My first thought was also to tackle the naps first since she's in a PnP at daycare. Plus having that time free would be really nice for whomever she is sleeping on!

If your DD was wanting to nurse back to sleep for those MOTN wakings, then I'd work on not nursing her to sleep. But it sounds like she's not wanting to nurse. So it really is just a comfort issue for her, it seems. Like Mia said, there are a lot of different sleep training methods--you really do have to do what works for you. Some books I read even recommended having a family bed if necessary. If you come in, rub her back for a minute and tell her goodnight, what happens? Does the crying just escalate?

I still wonder if not nursing her to sleep and having her soothe herself to sleep at night might help with the MOTN wakings. Especially since she's not in her crib for naps (not used to soothing herself in her crib). When our first DD was still taking a bottle, we would do bottle, then bath, then storytime before bedtime. Our second DD (3 months) is now transitioning to getting her bottle before bath and storytime. If your DD isn't waking up in the MOTN hungry, then you could probably push that last nursing session back a little.

Lots of luck to you! The good news is that it sounds like everybody's getting enough sleep, so it's really just about her being happy in her crib.

 

[Munchkin]

1. Naps first. when better...

2. After nursing at night brush her teeth then put her to bed. She needs to mentally and emotionally separate nursing and sleep. Use whatever sleep training method suits your family best but don't hold/rock/nurse etc to sleep or she will continue to need you to fall asleep at bedtime and over night.

3. Middle of the night waking a will naturally improve when she is more independent with self soothing at initial put down. You may not even have to battle this one. If you do, though, be firm and don't cave if you and your partner don't want to co-sleep. (At her age it is a choice you guys have to make for yourself. SIDS isn't a concern but having your own space may be.) Seriously, sleep on the floor in her room before you bring her into your bed.

 

[baby monster]

Great suggestions so far so I won't repeat the same thing.

Just couple things to add. If you don't want to co-sleep, then be firm during MOTN wakings. Your DD seems to have an issue with self-soothing so you need to figure out how to help her learn to do that. Does she have a lovey? My kid has a small plush toy that he always sleeps with. If he wakes up, he usually finds in the crib and is comforted by its presence which helps him fall asleep.

Also, do you think she is afraid of the dark? Sometimes kids wake up and feel lost and scared because they don't understand where they are. Having a night light with a design splashed on the wall also helps a child to place themselves in their room and not in a scary dream.

 

[JGator]

Curly, I went through something similar when K was 14 months old. We ended up doing CIO in the MOTN, and it worked very well for us and very quickly. She got more upset and worked up when we came in to do the checks that some of the other sleep training books recommend. I still rock K to sleep with/after a bottle and she naps on me on weekends in the rocking chair at 18.5 months so I am totally sympathetic to where you are coming from though. So, don't end up like me - you will really appreciate the time you gain for yourself and the uninterrupted sleep at night once you get it back. Somehow K has learned to STTN while still not being able to fall asleep on her own. I am currently about to embark on getting her off the nighttime bottle and the rocking to sleep as well. I did put K down to sleep last night when she wasn't fully asleep and she stood up and cried, but only for 20-30 seconds after I left the room. So, you may experience something similar, and hopefully that is a good sign for my upcoming falling asleep on her own training. Good luck and hugs to you! It's not easy, but once you tackle it and get through it you will wish you did it a long time ago!

 

[CurlySue]

Thanks for the input, everyone.

Mia - My gut was telling me that starting with naps was the right way to go. Given her daycare sleeping habits, I would hope it wouldn't be hard to get the napping fixed quickly. I read Pantley's "No Cry Sleep Solution" back in the fall when we had our first extended sleep regression, but I am not sure that's the right fit for us. I also got a crash course in CIO from some experienced friends, and I'm not sure *that* is right for us, either. So I just bought the Sleep Lady's book, as that seems like more of a modified CIO. We'll see how I feel after I read that one.

NEL - Yes, I am really happy that we are all getting enough sleep (on most nights). That's really why the co-sleeping habit developed. No one in our family does well on limited sleep (especially me!), so it just worked well for awhile. Truthfully, I would be OK with continuing it for that reason alone, but I am starting to get concerned that the longer we wait to break that habit, the harder it will be. As for how she reacts when DH or I go in to respond to her MOTN wakings, it's really hit or miss, and it seems dependent on *how* she wakes up. Generally, if she is still laying down and just whimpering or crying softly, she can work through it. Sometimes she'll have a stronger cry, and we can just rub her back and she'll settle down. But over the last month-2 months, she wakes up with a very distressed cry, and within 30 seconds, she is standing in her crib. At that point, I personally have NO luck soothing her without picking her up. It just escalates.

Munchkin - We have been debating when to introduce tooth-brushing into our nightly routine, but as I'm reading these responses, it does seem like it would be best for DD if we focus on the naps first. And it makes sense that if we can get her to put herself to sleep at the start of the night, she'll be better equipped/more used to self-soothing in the MOTN.

baby monster - She hasn't developed any sort of attachment to a lovey or any other toy to date, which both DH and I find interesting. Last night, I slept with a lovey she has to get my scent on it. I'm considering throwing that in her crib to see if she has any sort of interest in it now that it smells like me/our bed. We'll see! And I am honestly not sure if she's afraid of the dark. I will say I have wondered about *why* her recent wakings have been SO distressed. At first I thought it might be nightmares, but when it started happening every single night, I threw that hypothesis out the window.

jgator - Glad to hear I am not alone!!! It sounds like our DDs have some sleep habits in common, so your experience is giving me great encouragement - congrats on your progress! I will say that breaking the nap issue is going to be emotional for DH and I. We take turns doing naps with her, and we both love it! It actually helps us both make time to relax, rather than always doing something/checking something off the to-do list. While I know it's in everyone's best interest (especially now that we are past the 1-year mark), it's bittersweet. She's just so darn snuggly!

Meanwhile, last night was the best night we had in awhile (I swear this kid reads my mind and knows when I am starting to consider sleep training!). While she did wake up once at 11 and once at 3:30, with one waking, DH was able to pat her back and get her back to sleep, and with the other, I did the pick up/put down method, and that seemed to work. She also had a few wakings other than that, but she got herself back to sleep on her own. As I type this, I realize that nothing is consistent in how she gets to sleep, so we probably just need to commit to a method and stick to it so that she doesn't have confusion.

So for now, I think we'll focus on naps, and we'll see what happens with her MOTN wakings during that time. If we don't see any improvement, I may move to breaking the nursing-to-sleep habit sooner rather than later. If her MOTN wakings improve, then I may just wait to see if DD eventually self-weans off the night feedings. One step at a time, I guess.

Thanks again for all the input. Helps me look at things much more rationally and practically.

 

[momhappy]

While I agree that changing the nap time habits is important, I would also work on the nursing-to-fall-asleep-at-night issue ASAP. Clearly, your child has the ability to self-soothe/fall asleep on her own because she does it at daycare. It's fine to nurse at night, but it would be helpful if she wasn't falling asleep during the process and then being placed into bed (already sleeping). That routine is contributing to the other issue of waking again and then co-sleeping. I would put her to bed each night awake and try a modified cry-it-out routine. Allow her to cry, but go in and check on her (maybe pat her on the back, but do not speak or pick her up) at timed intervals and make the intervals longer each time (for example, first 5 minutes, then 10, then 20 and so on and so forth). Also, the co-sleeping upon waking needs to end - the sooner, the better.
Your issues are going to require some tough love and it's going to be tough for a while. I say this out of experience because I had a child who was a horrible sleeper (frequent wakings, lots of crying, odd sleep patterns, etc.) and almost 10 years later, she still doesn't have a typical sleep schedule. We have found that she doesn't need as much seep as the average child, which means that it often takes her a long time to settle down at night and she often wakes in the early mornings (but she does not disrupt the family because we have taught her some age-appropriate coping mechanisms as she has gotten older).

 

[CurlySue]

Some follow up on this, in case anyone cares... and on the off-chance that someone else needs help with sleep...

I am happy to report we have had some success! We started with weekend naps. Using the same schedule she keeps at daycare, we turn the lights off, put on some soothing music, and put her in her crib. The first weekend, it took between 20-30 minutes to get her to settle down and fall asleep, but we stuck with it. This past weekend, she was asleep within 10 minutes for her morning nap and she napped for close to an hour. Afternoon naps are a bit tougher for some reason. It's still taking about 20 minutes to get her down, and she only naps for about 45 minutes to an hour (compared to an average of 90 minutes at daycare). Given that it's only been a few weeks, I feel really good about the progress we've made and hopeful we'll see more progress with the afternoon nap eventually.

Her nighttime sleep has also improved. I am still nursing her before bed, but there have been several instances where she has not fallen asleep while eating, so she's had to get to sleep more on her own. It does take us longer, and there have been evenings where she's gotten frustrated and cried for a bit, but most nights things have been fairly peaceful. So I think that an eventual transition to no nursing before bed will not be as hard as I imagined.

DH and I have made a concerted effort to not pick her up when she wakes in the middle of the night. Most nights, it's a piece of cake and after a few minutes of back-patting or back-rubbing, she goes right back to sleep... but other nights have been really challenging and it can take us up to an hour to get her back to sleep. It has been the exception rather than the norm. I don't think that's terribly abnormal.

I did try to push a lovey on her, but she really seems disinterested in it. She does enjoy chucking it out of her crib when she gets upset with us, though. It makes me chuckle. Seems like more of an anti-lovey.

The last few weeks, she's had at least a few nights per week that she's hasn't needed us to get through the night - we can hear her self-soothe. Yay! There have been maybe 1-2 nights that I did end up pulling her to bed with me, but that was after multiple hours of waking up, and we just couldn't take it anymore! The good news is that those instances haven't affected her ability to sleep on her own in subsequent nights.

So... Hopefully, things continue moving in the right direction. I just thought I'd share the good news and offer hope to anyone else out there struggling with sleep!

Thanks again to everyone who offered advice!