Advice, inappropriate touching. (long)

[somethingshiny]

I''m sorry to post such a horrible topic, but I really need some advice.

My best friend just told me her little girl (10) was inappropriately touched on the school bus last week by a 6th grade boy. Clothes were on the whole time, but he pinned her in the bus seat and rubbed a lot on the inner thigh area. She was scared, nervous, and "disgusted". It was very upsetting to her for the day before she told her parents. She knows it was wrong, knows she didn''t cause it, etc. She obviously doesn''t want to ride the bus anymore, but other than that, she seems to be doing fairly well now. She also told her mom that she first told her little friend. The friend said that he did it to her, too. (the friend never told anyone) The police haven''t been involved because her parents thought it wasn''t "private parts" so the police wouldn''t do anything about it. Also, my friend doesn''t want her little girl to be known as the "molested girl" or anything, because we do live in a small town. Currently my friend is trying to decide how to go about discussions with the school. She wants to keep the boy away from her daughter and thinks the buses should be monitored (they aren''t if they''re "in town buses".) We''ve also discussed trying to get some sort of assembly to tell the children about "inappropriate touching" that includes more than "private parts." But, who knows what will come of that.

I told DH and I told him the boy''s name. He called his friend to make sure, but it turns out this kid is DH''s friend''s (co-worker) nephew. DH''s friend actually had the kid living with him for several months (his mom gave up on him )and sent him back to his mother''s after the kid had molested their 8yr old daughter (full-on molestation). They had the police involved, and at that time (last year) the police said he was too young to do anything about.

So, this kid obviously has problems. Knowing the extent of his mother''s inability to cope with him, I feel very sorry for the kid. I think he needs help, not just ignored. It seems he''s been passed around a lot because no one knows what to do. His mother refuses to see what he does, she just insists that he''s a rowdy boy and he will grow out of it. (He''s also been physically abusive to his sibling and mother which is why he moved out of their home to begin with) At this point, I think the only way to HELP the boy is to have him put in a juvenile detention home where he can have some boundaries, guidance, and counseling while he gets his education and grows up.

I don''t know what to do to help my friend or her little girl. I don''t think the little girl should have to be the poster child for this subject, but I do think it''s necessary to do something to prevent the boy from doing it again. (she''s at least the third girl he''s messed with) I can''t help but wonder what he''s going to do in 2 or 3 years.

So, after all this emotional rambling, any advice?? I''m at a loss on what to do....

TIA

 

[bee*]

It is difficult to know what to do in this situation but I really think that someone in authority needs to know-be it the police or headmistress in the school, although the fact that this is not the first time he''s done it and he''s previously been brought to police attention, I really think that they should be notified. If he''s doing it at this age, I''d be really worried what he''s going to do in a couple of years. I know that they don''t want their child to be dragged into this, but I do think that they need to let the police know as I''d be afraid of what he will go onto do.

 

[cellososweet]

i agree that authorities need to be notified. Even though they don''t want their child to be the "poster child" for something like this, I really do feel that something needs to be done. This is a good lesson in doing the right thing for their child. Helping out so other people don''t get hurt. Sweeping it under the rug, I fear, might spark some intense emotional issues later for the poor girl. It happened and it wasn''t right. Not doing anything about it is just going to let the child feel that she wasn''t taken seriously, or that it wasn''t "that big of a deal." This is not a good thing for a young child. 10 is such a rough age. On the border of puberty. If nothing is done, she might have some major issues later on. I speak from experience. I had my ass grabbed in a pretty overtly sexual manner when I was about 11 by an older boy at my school. Instead of telling my parents, I went straight to the principal and got it all straightened out myself (type-A even back then. geez). But, I was terrified by it. My parents didn''t really respond (and they were great parents don''t get me wrong! I love them to pieces. I just don''t think they knew what the heck to do). I ended up having some pretty raw emotional issues from it. Nothing was really done. He got the proverbial smack on the hand and I felt foolish for even saying anything. When I was put into a more serious situation later in life (raped by a boyfriend), I harbored it because I felt like it wasn''t "that big of a deal." Boy was I wrong. Emotional issues to the max! Not to delve into my own life too much, but I just wanted to show you how these things have a snowball effect sometimes if they aren''t dealt with appropriately. Good luck to your friend and I feel so badly for the little one.

 

[somethingshiny]

Thanks for the advice, Bee and Cello.

I do think the authorities need to be involved especially since the kid has a history of this stuff. But, what we''re all afraid of, is that he''ll get the "swat on the hand" (like he did when he molested his cousin) and that will make the little girl feel worse. Like the entire school/police/etc don''t care that this happens. That''s why we''re trying to figure out some sort of educational assembly at the school, an action that can be seen.

Cello~ I''m so sorry for what happened to you. Thankfully, I''ve never been molested/raped. My 3 closest friends in school were all raped. One of them was repeatedly raped. She just about lost her mind. So, I''ve seen what comes of it. I''ve watched my friend think she was only good for sex. I''ve watched another friend become a hermit. I guess none of them were able to deal with their circumstances in the right way. That''s what I fear for this little girl. The only upside I see is that maybe she''ll be the one to put a stop to this boy.

 

[Pandora II]

I would go straight to the police.

This boy has big problems and they need to be sorted out now before he goes too far.

When I was 14 I was seriously ''chatted up'' on two occasions by some guy in his late 30''s/40''s. He was basically trying to entice me back to his house. On the second occasion he definitely didn''t recognise me from the first time.

I was no ''jail bait'' 14 year old. I didn''t go through puberty till I was 17, so I looked more like an 11 year old at 14.

I didn''t tell my parents anything at the time (in fact I only told them about 6 years ago) - mainly because I felt ashamed and embarrassed that someone was looking at me in a sexual kind of way. I had nightmares for years and he hadn''t even laid a finger on me.

I knew where the guy lived - he told me when he was trying to get me to go there. I have always regretted not going to the police - for all I know he might have raped or abused another girl or minor.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I was sexually assulted by an ex when I was 16. I was sober, but he was VERY drunk. I was also given the "not touching the right parts" speech. There was nothing that could be done. All the same I was very vocal about what happend even though he was far more popular than I. Did I get a reputation for it? Yes. Was it rough at times? yes.
But people started watching him at parties. He was prevented from drinking too much. Turns out other girls had problems with him before but none did after. It finally made him realize he needed help and he got it.
There''s no easy answer, but if the situation with the cousin had been revealed, your friend would have known before anything happend and maybe it wouldn''t have. At the very least, get the school to talk to whoever is taking care of him or have your friend talk to him herself if needed. The more he knows people are watching, the more likely he is to get help.

 

[joflier]

My advice would be to go to the police. Perhaps the school authorities as well, but definately get the police involved. I was assaulted (more so physically than sexually) in high school, and my parents and I decided to take it to the school authorities,and not the police. (another small town, small school situation) Yes, he only got a slap on the wrist, and I had some hard times....but more than anything, I regretted not involving the police. Its been several years now, but there are still times that I think about it, and have regrets about how I and my parents handled it. I''m guessing not much more would have happened, but I would have had more peace of mind, knowing that we did all we could do, and in a small town, even if the police can''t do anything, they still remember it, and keep their eyes and ears open towards that person.

 

[FrekeChild]

I had a friend that was molested starting around age 4-by her cousin. She was vocal about it to her parents and they did NOTHING. They pretended she was making it up. This continued until about age 9. She then lost her virginity as 2 boys raped her at age 13. From there she basically decided that she was only to be used as a sexual object. At the point I had known her, she had participated in threesomes with a married couple that ended up breaking up the marriage (2 kids under age 3), multiple orgies and sex parties, having sex with boys she didn''t know the names of, or talk to before or afterwards-in the back of cars. She had over 50 male partners and around 15 female partners between ages 13 and 16. She told me that she had never had an orgasm and was afraid to have one. She also told me that she wasn''t good for anything but sex, and thats how she got into the relationships she did. I ended up ending the friendship because she became very jealous of my BF-to the point where it was very scary for me.

She was a very sad individual. Her parents finally took her seriously around 14 when she broke down and flipped out on them. Apparently it took a few hundred dollars of dishes to pay attention to her. After that she began therapy and had been doing it ever since. I hope the best for her. I hope that one day she''ll be as normal as she can be and that she finds a relationship where she isn''t just a sexual object and that someone helps her build her self-confidence, and lets her know that they love her.

Please tell them to tell the authorities. I don''t want your friend''s little girl to end up like this one did.

 

[surfgirl]

Please, go to the police, go to the Principal and the School Superintendant...Tell anyone who will listen. This kid needs psych help and he shouldn''t be allowed to ride the bus with other kids right now. That''s clear. But he''s done this to THREE girls so far that you know of, imagine how many others he''s done this to, at his age? He''s got serious psych issues and he shouldn''t be around innocent children. How would you feel if you said nothing and someone got really hurt? Let that guide you on what to do...

 

[fisherofmengirly]

If the child has a history of doing this in the past, he''s likely to do it again. And at the age of 6th grade, he most likely is doing what was done to him at one point in time. I would definitely encourage your friend to report it to the police and to request that a forensic interview be done, so that criminal follow up can be involved if the child (male) was hurt in the past. There is very little "time frame" constraints (at least in the state of GA) when a child discloses abuse.

The point of all this is not only to prevent further acting out and violations of more children, but also to help the boy to get the counseling he may need, as well as your friend''s daughter, if this continues to bother her (which it may).

 

[Kaleigh]

I''d have them go to the Police first. This child is in need of help. The school''s Principle needs to be notified as well. I bet the school knows he has problems, whether they know to this degree, I''m not sure. I wonder what his teacher has to say. Surely she has had some contact with his Mom. I am glad the little girl told her parents. Hopefully this knowledge will prevent him from doing it to anyone else. But he''s going to need a lot of therapy.

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 3/24/2008 5:11:21 PM
Author: somethingshiny
Thanks for the advice, Bee and Cello.


I do think the authorities need to be involved especially since the kid has a history of this stuff. But, what we''re all afraid of, is that he''ll get the ''swat on the hand'' (like he did when he molested his cousin) and that will make the little girl feel worse. Like the entire school/police/etc don''t care that this happens.

I think it should most defiantly be reported to the school, police, etc. Even if he does just get another slap on the wrist, it will help the situation in the long run because he likely will do something like this again, and eventually those little slaps on the wrist will add up.

The major problem with taking it to the school is that with no adult witnesses, it''s going to be a "he-said-she-said" thing. A lot of time, schools are in a bind with what they can do as far as punishing the situation when no one saw it. However, if it is reported, the school will know to be on the look out for this behavior in the future, and eventually someone will catch him at it, and he will face punishment. (We''ve had a similar situation occur at our school before).

The parents need to make sure the school knows that this is happening.

 

[somethingshiny]

Thank you all for your advice and comments.

Like I said before, I definitely think the police should be involved, but it''s hard to MAKE someone do that if they don''t want to for their own reasons (as unfounded as they may appear to be). And, it''s really hard for me to understand why she hasn''t contacted the police. This woman has been a paralegal and worked for a domestic abuse victims facility for quite some time. She sees both sides of these actions all the time. I guess it''s much different when it''s your child.

I''ve been on the phone with my friend off and on all day. The first priority at this point is keeping other kids from getting hurt. I''ve told her to call the school tomorrow and demand that he is suspended from the bus (and I''ve warned her that they will probably suspend her daughter as well until an investigation has taken place) so no other children will be violated on the bus. The next thing is to file a police report and get it on record that the incident occurred. I''ve also given her the phone number of the man who''s daughter was molested (with his permission). Hopefully, presenting a united front will get a bit more action. I''ve also told her to write a letter (and cc everyone and their brothers) about the incident and include some actions that she wants the school district to take (like bus monitors, removal of the boy from the school, etc).

I keep thinking that as miserable as this circumstance is, they have to do something about it even if it causes more pain/grief at the present time. I finally got harsh with her (my friend) and asked her how she could live with herself if she didn''t do anything and it continued to happen. I pray that I never have to go through what they are and I''m heartbroken for anyone that has, but from where I stand it''s absolutely necessary to do anything they can to stop the boy. I want to tell her that she needs to suck it up and put her feelings aside and get down to business--there''ll be time for crying later.

 

[surfgirl]

You might also ask your friend how she''d feel if her child was molested and she found out that other parents KNEW that the offender was doing this but they didn''t come forward and DO anything. How would she feel then? I''d wager she''d be very angry that other parents didn''t do anything that might have protected other children. Honestly, I dont think I could keep from telling the police myself if my friend wouldn''t come forward. It boggles the mind that people wouldn''t do anything about such a heinous thing.

 

[somethingshiny]

Surf- I completely agree. DH and I have talked about going to the police ourselves. I babysit this little girl, so would it be terribly inappropriate of me to talk to the police?

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 3/25/2008 12:08:39 AM
Author: surfgirl
You might also ask your friend how she''d feel if her child was molested and she found out that other parents KNEW that the offender was doing this but they didn''t come forward and DO anything. How would she feel then? I''d wager she''d be very angry that other parents didn''t do anything that might have protected other children. Honestly, I dont think I could keep from telling the police myself if my friend wouldn''t come forward. It boggles the mind that people wouldn''t do anything about such a heinous thing.

Totally agree. I''d tell her it''s a crime not to report it. As he grows older, his actions will be more heinous. She wouldn''t want that on her shoulder''s I''m sure. I hope she takes action, it''s not something you sweep under the carpet.

And for that matter, doing nothing is an INSULT to the bravery her daughter showed in coming to her. I don''t get it ??

Parents say, please if anyone touches you, please come and tell me. She followed the rules. Did what she was taught by her parents.

It''s up to them to FOLLOW through with this and support their daughter and prevent this from happening from another child...


Coming from somone who knows how it feels.....

 

[lauralu]

The school NEEDS to know. They NEED to tell the school and go from there. He will most likely be suspended. Her daughter will definitely NOT be. Her parents should go meet with the school principal and get this out and in the open. Have her daughter write down what happened and take it with them to show the school. Their daughter does not have to be there when they go to the school. If she is worried about other people knowing she should not be. The school will not advertise that this has happened and to whom. The school needs to know and hopefully what will happen is social services will be called in, the school pych will be called in and the ball will get rolling to help this kid. Sometimes schools can get these things rolling as far as getting him help. Also they need to know this is a kid they need to keep an eye on.

I feel for your friend. Having 3 daughters I worry about this kind of thing alot. I have ongoing dialog with them about this off and on. Or whenever we hear of something in the community that gives me the opportunity to talk with them.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 3/25/2008 12:08:39 AM
Author: surfgirl
You might also ask your friend how she''d feel if her child was molested and she found out that other parents KNEW that the offender was doing this but they didn''t come forward and DO anything. How would she feel then? I''d wager she''d be very angry that other parents didn''t do anything that might have protected other children. Honestly, I dont think I could keep from telling the police myself if my friend wouldn''t come forward. It boggles the mind that people wouldn''t do anything about such a heinous thing.

I very strongly agree with the above. I also agree that the school, at the very least, should be notified. They have a duty to protect the other students. Also, it seems pretty obvious that this child was abused himself. As someone else noted, if this is ignored it will only escalate.

 

[somethingshiny]

Lauralu~ I meant she would be suspended from the bus (as is the case with any fight on the bus), not suspended from school.

Thank you all for your added words of advice!

Finally, something got done!
I just got off the phone with my friend. She finally swallowed her pride (or whatever was hazing her judgment) and headed to the police. The officer is an old friend of their family. He divulged some added info on the boy. Turns out he''s got a hell of a long list of victims. The officer actually asked my friend if he groped the little girls thigh. Seems like it''s his thing. Currently DCFS is trying to get something done with the boy. And, the officer seemed truly appreciative that she came forward and is willing to do whatever it takes to have the boy sent somewhere where he can get some help. Apparently, parents are coming forward in droves and then getting nervous about what will "go around" and stop dead in their tracks. (the thrills of a small town where everyone knows your name). I still don''t know why it took my friend so long to do something, but I''m glad that she''s willing to see it through.

I still wonder, when did it become okay to NOT help children?!?! Obviously, the small town thing made people not want to continue in fear of their situation being gossiped about. And, obviously, the only reason I know that is because it WAS gossiped about. But, I still wonder, how many cases are swept under the rug? There''s been more than a handful in my little town, how many in a town of 100,000+?

Thank you all again, I really appreciate it. For a while I was feeling like I was a big old B1tch!

 

[lauralu]

Somethingshiny

Thank goodness she is going forward. I knew what you meant about suspended from the bus and not school. Small towns are very secretive about many issues. Small towns more often than not as a whole..... equal closed minds. IMO anyway..

This is a sad sad story all the way around

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, what a terrible situation. I''m glad they went to the police after all.

It seems like the other parents are more worried about what other people will think about them than they are about the well-being of their little girls.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 3/25/2008 9:18:06 PM
Author: thing2of2
Wow, what a terrible situation. I''m glad they went to the police after all.

It seems like the other parents are more worried about what other people will think about them than they are about the well-being of their little girls.

thing2, I was going to say the same thing..These parents are more concerned about "what people will think" than the safety of their own kids. It makes no sense at all to me! Thank goodness the police officer was understanding and supportive. I hope they ship that kid off somewhere where he''ll be under lock and key and get the psych help he needs.

 

[somethingshiny]

Date: 3/25/2008 9:28:53 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 3/25/2008 9:18:06 PM

Author: thing2of2

Wow, what a terrible situation. I''m glad they went to the police after all.


It seems like the other parents are more worried about what other people will think about them than they are about the well-being of their little girls.

thing2, I was going to say the same thing..These parents are more concerned about ''what people will think'' than the safety of their own kids. It makes no sense at all to me! Thank goodness the police officer was understanding and supportive. I hope they ship that kid off somewhere where he''ll be under lock and key and get the psych help he needs.

thritto. I''ve lived with it for a long time, but I still don''t get it.