Advice? Friend received an ex''s e-ring

[movie zombie]

well, i''m not so sure that either one of the is wrong or that either one has to admit to be wrong. they are different. they are both entitled to their thoughts and feelings. acknowledging each other''s thought processes and feelings is part of marriage. yes, be pissed but calm down and both admit why they''re together in the first place, that they have both hurt each other through this ''discovery'', get the big big rock and move on.

peace, movie zombie

ps glad to have a man weigh in on this one....!

 

[Mara]

I find all these strong responses so interesting...aka what a slob or what a jerk, i'd return it back to him etc etc.

Just out of curiousity, doesn't it count that they have been married (we think happily?) for eight years? That maybe it was just a stupid mistake? Something he didn't think about way back when and now it's out.

Not many gals here seem to be giving him the benefit of the doubt. Oh he got busted, oh he got caught, he knew it was wrong, he lied, etc.

I tend to think of things like this in terms of ....was it meant to cause harm? Intentional? If not, many times it's really not worth getting TOTALLY upset about. People do things in life all the time that are stupid or unintentional that hurt you. It doesn't mean it's right but how big of a deal do you make about everything? There's more to marriage than just the ring that was given, there are all the times they have been together through thick and thin...here's another time to get past. Part of the drill.

Yeah maybe the guy is defensive because he doesn't see what happened, or he is confused. I think it's a miscommunication as well between the two of them. He must feel awful inside probably that this is blowing up to massive proportions when maybe he still doesn't know how it was wrong.

I also think it's so odd because I would have wanted to know so many things about my e-ring when it was given to me that a small detail like 'oh it belonged to my ex' would have come up ASAP.

Not 8 years later when I upgraded (that would have happened in year 1 anyway..tee hee).

 

[door knob solitaire]

I always have another view from the majority...

I wouldn''t add fuel to the flame. Sounds like she won. She got the prize...HIM. His love, his committment, and his future. I would focus on that angle and not tear her down by telling her how terrible "I " would feel. Frankly I wouldn''t feel bad. Give me any diamond you want! The diamond was sufficent for her then. She said yes...we''re not talking about a crispy creme donut with a bite taken out of it. I am sure all the cooties are gone by now.

It is a hunk of sparkly carbon dressed in metal...and the symbol of his love should be the fact that he asked HER to marry him. I think we all put too much emphasis on the piece of jewelry. What about the character of the man? Is he faithful? Is he there everytime she needs him? Does he protect and care for her with respect? A husband and a marriage are far more important than a chunk of jewelry. Ask the women on this board who have lost or misplaced their ring...with it do they also loose the marriage? Course not.

Funny how she had no apprehensions about trading the stone in for an upgrade...The stone meant nothing to her if she was willing to give it up so quickly on a trade in...so see...when it is all bolied down it is no big deal.

My .02 plus the rest that is in my pocket.

 

[moremoremore]

Wow. I would actually be pretty pissed. And I don''t get too upset about stuff like this....The fact that he didn''t tell me....but it all comes into perspective when you realize THAT BOYS AREN''T SMART!....

 

[moremoremore]

Oh, and by the way...Now he''s got to PAY! Go for that huge upgrade!

 

[icekid]

hmm... I would be pretty upset too! However, I totally agree that this guy just has no idea. Guys are so slow when it comes to this sort of thing.

Be a little upset, get a big new diamond, and get over it

 

[crafftygrrl]

As was stated so elequently earlier in this thread, the guy was completely unthinking, plain and simple. I''m sure he thought, why should he shop again for his new fiance. He found the best diamond he could for the 1st woman, why should he waste his time/energy/money on a new one. I don''t think he meant to hurt her. He failed to understand the sybolism.

To some men, jewelry is something they don''t understand and fail to see why we need or want it. There''s no joy or sentimental attachment.

My Father in Law (I love him dearly) found a nice round diamond that was a good deal. Even though he wasn''t dating anyone at the time, he still bought it. He just figured he would marry one day and that diamond was just as good as any. The diamond didn''t matter to him, but the relationship did.

 

[aljdewey]

It seems to me that on some level he knew that recycling that ring was a big no-no...otherwise he would have told her where it came from eight years ago.

I can''t fully agree with that.....the fact that he didn''t tell her could be 1) he didn''t think it was important, or 2) he knew it would upset her. There isn''t anything conclusive to point to one or the other.

When we moved, Rich threw out a lamp that I got from an antique shop and really had a thing for. He didn''t "do it on purpose".....he did it because we were in "let''s get rid of anything that isn''t serviceable in the new house". $10 says that he didn''t even realize this lamp had any significance to me.

Did he know it was mine? I''m sure he did...he wouldn''t pick it in a million years. Did he throw it out knowingly? Yes, he meant to get rid of it ....in keeping with our stated goal. Did he KEEP this information from me? Not intentionally...he didn''t think it was something that warranted special mentioning. Did he mean to be hurtful when he did it? Absolutely not.

Now I know this is a lamp and not an e-ring.....but to guys, it may as well be the same thing. Seriously. Omission of information doesn''t always mean "knew it was wrong"; more often, it means "not significant to me and didn''t realize it would be to you."

 

[widget]

Interesting how much interest this topic has generated! Well, I do hope "Kate" gets over it, her husband gets a clue, and that she gets a fabulous new ring.

BTW...I reallly appreciate Codex''s input...always good to hear the "Martian" perspective!

widget

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/28/2005 8:47:50 PM
Author: Mara

Yeah maybe the guy is defensive because he doesn''t see what happened, or he is confused. I think it''s a miscommunication as well between the two of them. He must feel awful inside probably that this is blowing up to massive proportions when maybe he still doesn''t know how it was wrong.

Part of the communication problem could be in the presentation, too.

If it turned into histrionics theater, I can see where he would be frustrated and defensive. It''s hard not to be defensive when you''re coming from different perspectives (and his is "why is this such a big deal?"). It''s hard not to be defensive when you''re being dressed down for something that cannot be undone (ring was given 8 years ago - too late to redo history on it now). It''s hard not to be defensive when the symbol of the relationship seems to eclipse the importance of the relationship itself. And it''s hard not to be defensive if it was presented at Mach 10.

VERY excellent point by Door Knob.....it''s hard to argue about sentimentality of the stone if one is comfortable with trading sentimentality for upgrade.

 

[WTNLVR]

I can see my hubby doing something like this. I guess it would depend on how long she had the ring. Did she wear the stone for over a year on her hand? Then I would be ticked he didn''t even MENTION it? I still wouldn''t discount the stone though. Had I been told up front, I may have been fine with resetting it. It''s a diamond. To me the setting is what''s important. Think of it as inheriting a stone. O.K. I know, it''s not hte same, but these stones cost a forune!I say if you like the stone have it set in your setting or trade it in and be done with it. Men are just clueless and can''t be held responsible for their actions

 

[codex57]

Date: 11/28/2005 9:51:12 PM
Author: widget

BTW...I reallly appreciate Codex's input...always good to hear the 'Martian' perspective!

Thanks. And a followup to our "we're clueless" comment. Just look at how many guys buy crappy diamonds from maul stores. Jewelry and the symbolism they can represent is something we lugs have a hard time wrapping our minds around. I can tell you the horsepower, torque, manufacturing/design content, and cubic feet of trunk space most cars have off the top of my head, but I went through an INCREDIBLE amount of research and effort when buying my wife's e-ring cuz I didn't even know the basics other than it should have a diamond in it. I went through that effort cuz I have a great wife who I had fortunately trained early on in how dense us guys are and how it's tough for us to even take strong hints. So, she made it abundantly clear how the ring I gave her was VERY important cuz of the symbolism and meaning behind it and that it should be a quality piece. Having been told how important it was to get something of good quality, I then knew enough to go searching for more info since I knew diddly squat. How diddly squat? Well, when we first started dating, I bought her a ring. I honestly thought it was a gold ring with a small, but genuine, diamond. I didn't know that if it was so cheap, it couldn't possibly be real. Guys can be that clueless about jewelry.


It's not that we're unthinking. It's just that we don't know any better. How can we "think" about how wrong or right something is if we're unaware of it even being an issue? Our brains just aren't wired that way. It's not like we knew better but just didn't think about it. We just didn't know.

 

[ForteKitty]

Honestly, if i were a guy, and my first engagement was broken.... I''d probably save the diamond for the next time around. Now, to sell it for 1/3 of what I originally paid is just dumb, so f course I would save it! And would I tell my future intended? Probably not. Because I know how women are.

Most of us tend to overreact to these things, myself included, and no good can ever come out of this. This poor guy was just dumb enough to get caught. It''s a diamond, for goodness'' sake, not a kid. Tell her to take, trade it WAY up, and get over it!

 

[rms]

pretty tough topic of conversation everybody. It is tough to know how to feel IMHO. I have similar types of situations with my DH, and let me tell you, there are times when I am so bothered, and other times I decide that it is not worth being bothered by it because ultimately there are more important things to worry about in our life and in our marriage.

My husband was previously married. We now live in the same house, still have a lot of the same things in the house. Hell, even knowing that I am using the same spatula bugs me sometimes. My DH said he could just wear the same wedding ring as before...I of course said no and we bought a new one. But the big kicker is that our honeymoon was in the exact same city and hotel that he had his first honeymoon at. That one definitely hurt when he first told me...after we made a non-refundable deposit on the place...and I cried a lot. And we talked about it and I told him how I felt and he told me how he felt. He totally didn''t see it as a big deal...strange to me but men are men. Reading a thread like this actually makes me feel better because I realize that it''s more than just my man who sees things in such ways. We still went there on our honeymoon. And sometimes we still bring it up in conversation, but not very often, and probably less and less as time passes.

So I think it is ok to feel hurt, but even more ok to just get over it quickly and move on to bigger and better.....diamonds and otherwise!!

 

[Patty]

It''s a diamond, for goodness'' sake, not a kid. Tell her to take, trade it WAY up, and get over it!

LOL at ForteKitty!

I think what he did just shows that he was clueless, not malicious. And yeah, they''ve been together 8 years already. It''s not the end of the world that someone else wore the ring before her.

 

[tawn]

IMHO I think the bottom line that he didn''t buy that ring for HER, but for another woman he loved enough to propose to.

Secondly, she wore it for eight years thinking that he bought it for her...and now she probably feels embarrassed that she wore the EXF''s ring in ignorance for so long! It isn''t "her" ring and never will be, and he was indeed a dumbass for not fessing up at square one!

Forgive...TRY to forget, and then move on to the upgrade!

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 11/28/2005 10:15:42 PM
Author: Patty
It''s a diamond, for goodness'' sake, not a kid. Tell her to take, trade it WAY up, and get over it!

nicely stated, Patty ........abd door knob solitaire!

peace, movie zombie

 

[monarch64]

Dang, I''m really late for this discussion...WOW! I''m half amazed and half well, that''s a guy for you. If the situation happened to me, I''m not going to lie, I would probably really overreact. It''s not really the ring itself, it''s that my first thought would be "what else has he just happend to not bring up. Ever." But then I would have to get over it, because I''d be getting a super duper upgrade! And my excitement about the upgrade would most likely overshadow my feelings of wanting to pull his heart out through his chest and stomp all over it. In the midst of all that, I would feel kind of sorry for my husband for being such a putz in the first place, and then I would think, well at least he''s not a putz anymore because we''re getting an upgrade!!! It would probably be a real bad week in the neighborhood, but like everything else in life, you get over it and move on. Or you throw away 8 good years and have to tell all your friends the reason you''re getting divorced and then you both look like total, uh how did Mara put it? "ASSCLOWNS."

That being said, my brother got my sister-in-law''s engagement ring and wedding band from the local pawn shop. Nope, he didn''t tell her first. I think he told her a few weeks after they got married because she asked about it (I believe there were some telltale scratches on the band). She''s more of a laid-back chick and took it much better than I would''ve. I mean, she got HIS band at Wal-Mart for like $50, hee hee. No, they don''t live in a trailer next to Britney and Kevin. But you see, everything''s relative, isn''t it?

 

[Mara]

yes it is interesting to read about how people feel one way or the other. makes you think!

so this made me think...okay after 8 years of marriage, with a man i adore mind you, my reactions probably would have been in this order (a) holy *#*% and then (b) i can't believe the assclown never told me and then (c) woo hoo this gets me a bigger upgrade and then (d) laughing hysterically at the thought that i wore some random ring on my hand for 8 years. but in the end i'd give him some hell over it, and slap him upside the head for being a boob and then we'd move on.

for me though i like i said, i'd never find out 8 years later! i'm too darn nosy. so i wonder did she ask him where he got the ring? did he lie? or did she just never think about it. we really don't know all the story here but oh how we love to fill in the spaces.

in reality many of our diamonds were owned by other people originally and sometimes the settings are too. i don't feel positive or negative that way and in fact really love the thought of pieces worn by others originally. this reminds me a bit of the fact that we use greg's mattress for our bed, he has had it for 10 years and with 1.5 live-in girlfriends. his mom was appalled that i wouldn't immediately make him get a new bed. i thought why? just because there were other girls? big deal. its a BED. it's comfy. we like it. when it's served it's purpose, we will throw it the way of old beds and get a new one. one that has dual controls.

should he get rid of his car too? and anything else that may have been contaminated by an ex? there's a reason those people are ex's...and i don't really give them much thought.

but i also don't attach very much sentiment to my jewelry in general, or material items...and after my first 1.7 years of marriage i have slowly learned what to make a big deal of and what to just let go or take with a grain of salt.

on a side note, the terminology in here is actually cracking me up... i especially loved 'histronics theatre' from alj and 'cooties are gone' from dks...

 

[portoar]

I would tell her to keep her eye on the prize. She got a wonderful man who has loved her and stayed by her side for eight years. It seems pointless to get worked up because she is just now finding out after eight years the ring was "recycled." Her bad for knowing that he was previously engaged and not asking at the time whether it was the same ring he gave his prior fiance. It was the obvious question for the time. Now she has an opportunity for a nice upgrade and she''s going to spoil it with all this negative energy about the ring being originally given to some woman who''s long gone?

I realize I must be a freak for feeling this way, since everyone else seems to think her husband really screwed up. People make their own happiness on earth; she can get all twisted up about what a boob her husband was for not recognizing the special emotional significance blah blah blah, or she can step back and appreciate what she has in her life partner, look forward to and enjoy choosing her new ring.

 

[Dancing Fire]

come on ladies....why the big fuss over a used ring

? some people don''t mind getting a used husband or a used wife.

 

[valeria101]

Date: 11/29/2005 4:46:27 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
come on ladies....why the big fuss over a used ring ? some people don't mind getting a used husband or a used wife.

Yeah...

... the diamond is just what it is. I am not sure a man's story means the same as a diamonds' story. If the piece of jewelry is meant to have a certain meaning, this one got to be exorcised out of its's past. You get to talk to the guy, but what can you do to a diamond to change?

Chances are the guy didn't even know this matters! (men... the lost romantic cause, you know).


Well, judging from how often Pricescopers upgrade their diamonds, it is high time for that anyway.

 

[MiniMouse]

I''ve very late seeing this post.... what interesting reactions.

Personally I would have been upset at the time and made a big thing about it, but then I''m sure I would have simmered down and sat with hubby and told him exactly why I was upset and asked for his views. If he had told me about the ring in the beginning, I would have refused to wear the ring, but I would have been happy to have the stone(s) reset in another setting of my choosing, to make it more ''my ring''.

The whole situation is water on the bridge now as the ring was given over 8 years ago, there is little point carrying on and jeopardizing a good marriage over something that was done so long ago. I think it''s time to move on and take advantage of the situation, ie smile sweetly and ask for that bigger diamond and a celebratory dinner to match

An upgrade will make the ring more personal and if an ex-girlfriend''s ring helped me get a nice big upgrade, I wouldn''t be upset anymore, I''d be thanking her!

I know my hubby had an engagement ring which was his ex-girlfriend''s. It was a 1.5ct Marquis. I knew about it when we were dating, but he obviously thought it was impractical to expect a new girlfriend with pudgy little short fingers to wear a Marquis. I wouldn''t have wanted it, but I would have accepted using it towards an upgraded ring, heck why not? It''s like recycling and at the same time ending up with something far better.

One interesting question that comes to mind..... what if your boyfriend offered you a fantastic 3 carat solitaire diamond ring and said it was bought for his previous girlfriend, would you take it? I would find it hard not to. It''s amazing what we females can forget when we want to.

 

[perry]

Ya know.... So what are we susposed to do with expensive diamonds and rings....

I have a pair of diamonds that I bought with a specific gal in mind (they were to be the side diamonds of a ring). It took months to find them - and they mean something to me - all the time and effort I put in to get the perfect pair of side diamonds, whomever I give them to.

So what am I susposed to do with them now that did not work out. Toss them away and start over because "I don''t get it." That I have to worry about a gal being upset that they were "Used" becasue they were bought for another (who has seen them and handled them).

Most gals want a nice expensive ring; most want to be surpriesed as well. Most guys go into debt for years to buy just one (and the guy in this story may not have had any resourses left to buy anything else). If things don''t work out we are susposed to just start over? Why are people really upset over this - I am sure it happens more than you think (I am really impressed with how unacceptable it was for the story of the guy who broke up a pervious 3 stone ring into a solitary and earrings).

Marriage is a lot more than a ring, and to me the ring is a symbol - and that symbol is far more important than the ring itself (which I suspect is how most guys think). It amazes me how many are so upset on this story. Yah, i know - I''m a guy and I don''t get it. Well maybe we guys think that some of you gals don''t get it either.

I see no evidence that this person lied about it. She knew that he had been previously engaged. He dug up the original reciept and freely handed it over. What more do you gals really want.

Do I have to ask permission to give a lady some diamonds, just because I already have them before we met? To me, that is crazy.


Perry

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I wouldn''t be at all upsest. It makes no difference to me who wore a diamond before I got it or what the circumstances were - it''s mine now.

No doubt it looks better on me than it did on its prior caretaker.

 

[lmurden]

Furious, she confronted Matt. He admited it was his ex''s ring, and he saw nothing wrong with re-using it. She asked why he couldn''t return it or exchange it for a different one, and he doesn''t see why he had to - he spent a lot of time picking it out, etc. He doesn''t understand the importance of the ring to Kate.

Kate told me this story last night and I really didn''t know what to say. I asked if she could still get the upgrade because then it really would be HER ring. She said that''s what she''s going to do, but she is so hurt that he would think it''s OK to give her someone else''s ring. She can''t seem to let it go, and Matt is mad that she is so upset about it.


The fact that he would tell her he spent a lot of time picking out the diamond ring for another woman is crazy! He has no right to be angry at her because she is hurt. What woman wouldn''t be hurt? In my opinion, at the time he did not think that she was special enough to get her own diamond engagement ring so he gave a left over trinket from another woman!

 

[Erin]

Date: 11/28/2005 7:57:22 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I am not sure what is worse, him giving her his ex's ring or his lack of understanding about why she is upset.

My thoughts exactly. I'm sorry Mara but I believe you would admittedly be more upset than you're letting on. What was Greg's ex-girlfriend's name? Let's say your first e-ring was picked out for her and she wore it for a spell. There's no sting in your stomach? If you HONESTLY put yourself in this woman's shoes, you'd feel that sting, too.

However, my point is not this, my point is to agree with Tacori. I don't care who's right and who's wrong. How can he not be sympathetic to her feeling upset by his actions? It's like he's so defensive he's not permitting her the chance to be upset, for him to say 'I understand' or 'I'm sorry" and then she can get over it and start getting excited about the upgrade. Her feelings are valid and it's hard to get past them when he's telling her that he doesn't know what she's so upset about.

 

[abradabra]

Whoa there...

This thread seems to be heating up again, so I figure I''ll jump in. As much as I''ll probably get flamed for it, I''m with Perry and Madame Bijoux on this one. I can *honestly* say that I wouldn''t care about receiving a ring that was bought for someone else. When I started dating my husband, I knew he had ex-girlfriends. I knew why things ended and that it was really over. As long as that''s case (which it clearly is here), I wouldn''t care. Stuff like that doesn''t bug/sting me. I think this "online community" is particularly sensitive to this issue because people who hang around here care a lot more about the diamond itself than the average person.

I also want to say that I don''t think she "wasn''t special enough" to her hubby at the time of their engagement. I''m hoping LM was joking there (the devil horns might indicate that), because otherwise that seems like a cruel and unfair thing to say, especially re: someone who is already upset. He was being fiscally responsible, I don''t think a guy should have to lose money on a stone by reselling it just because the first engagement didn''t work out.

That being said, I get why she''s hurt and I think it''s valid. There''s nothing wrong with reacting that way and I think she sounds like she has a relatively healthy attitude, given the situation. My point is, what''s done is done. She got the ring. It sucks for her. But there''s no use in letting something like this cause a rift in a otherwise healthy relationship. Pebbles, the best thing I think you can do as her friend is to try to help her not care. I don''t think you should gloss over it or anything like that, but the sooner she''s over this issue, the better for her marriage. And ultimately, that''s what matters. It seems like the only good thing about the sitch right now is that she''s upgrading anyway. Why not focus on that instead of being irritated by your husband, which really won''t get anyone anywhere?

 

[Caribou]

Although I would be very hurt if my BF did this (not to mention emabarassed if anyone found out), we have to realize that guys think differently. Not all guys see the symbolizm in the ring the way we do. My BF and I were at a party talking to this guy who was in the process of getting a divorce. The guy said to my BF ''you want to buy the ring from me'' my boyfriend, without hestitation, said ''Sure!'' I quickly said ''NO!!!'' We both gave each other a dirty look then he asked what was wrong with that. Anywho, long story short, he just didn''t see what the big deal was.

One of my friend''s husband gave her an e-ring/w-ring that he bought for someone else. It really bothers her but they aren''t in the position to buy a new one. And he did marry her...albeit not a happy marriage.

I do think it''s tacky to give someone a ''used diamond'' especially one that your bf/fiance/husband purchased for someone else but they have been married for 8 years and happily (I''m guessing/hoping). She has a right to be mad but is it worth it to cause a rift between them plus, she is getting an upgrade...maybe even a nicer one than before all this came out.

 

[flutterby]

I would be upset that I was never told. My FI had a ring that he never gave to his ex, he had no expetations of me wearing it....HOWEVER, I had no problem trading it in to the original jeweler to upgrade to make my ring. I would never want a ring bought for someone else. Thankfully my FI never tried it (it just wasnt me, 5 stone diamonds in yellow gold!).

Back to the issue, yes I would be upset it would show significant communication flaws in the relationship. How did i not know this? what else dont we talk about? Mara said she would know, she is nosy, so am I. But more than just nosy I think we are active communicators in our relationship. This woman, kate, is upset and she should be, but it shouldnt only be about the ring, it is a really good chance to improve the relationship and the ring after all is just a symbol of the relationship. So i say get a new one and good for the two of them that they started talking!