Advice? Friend received an ex''s e-ring

[pebbles]

I really am at a loss as to what to tell my friend. I''ll try to be brief....

My friend "Kate" and her husband "Matt" met in high school. They hung around the same group of friends in high school and college but weren''t romantically involved until after they graduated college. They were more of acquaintances back then.

Matt was engaged to another girl for a short time right after he graduated college. Kate knew he was engaged but never met his fiance. Matt broke off the engagement and a few months later started dating Kate. Long story short, him and Kate became engaged and are now married. They have been married around 8 years.

Kate has been wanting to upgrade her e-ring for a long time (basically since she got it). Finally, Matt gave her the go-ahead. She went to the store where Matt said he got the ring from (a family B&M store). The owner asked if she had the original paperwork on it; she said she would go home and look.

After some searching, she found the original sales receipt and paperwork for the ring. Upon closer inspection, she realized that her ring was not her ring at all -- it was the same ring he had given his ex-fiance! The giveaway was the date on the receipt. The ring was obviously purchased before he started dating Kate.

Furious, she confronted Matt. He admited it was his ex''s ring, and he saw nothing wrong with re-using it.

She asked why he couldn''t return it or exchange it for a different one, and he doesn''t see why he had to - he spent a lot of time picking it out, etc. He doesn''t understand the importance of the ring to Kate.

Kate told me this story last night and I really didn''t know what to say. I asked if she could still get the upgrade because then it really would be HER ring. She said that''s what she''s going to do, but she is so hurt that he would think it''s OK to give her someone else''s ring. She can''t seem to let it go, and Matt is mad that she is so upset about it.

Anything else I could tell her? I feel so bad. I''m not sure what I would do if I were her. I would probably be just as upset.

 

[movie zombie]

oh, that's a hard one....was she happy with the ring prior to 'finding out'?

while i do understand her being pissed, men do think differently about these things. she can choose to be angry and bitter about this and let it affect her relationship with her husband, or she can move beyond it and understand that he married her, not the other woman.

i, too, would be hurt and would blow some steam at the issue but in the long run, its a ring and that's all it is. yes, it is symbolic but nothing has changed since he gave it to her other than he had purchased it prior to dating her.

and since she's already going to be 'building' her own ring its time to say 'i know it doesn't make sense to you but i'm hurt. its an emotional thing. i know you love me and want me to have this new ring. its important to me that you be involved in this process with me. it may take me a while to stop acting hurt, but please understand that i do love you.'

and as a reminder, some women would be just plain happy they got a ring at all.

peace, movie zombie

eta: it was not someone else's ring: it was her husband's to give.

 

[decodelighted]

Oh geez. That's just awful! He's gonna be defensive even if he does understand how wrong it was because, people, in general, wanna "save face" no matter what. I doubt he'll ever admit that it was a terrible/heartless/selfish idea to use the ex's ring. All she can really do is explain how it makes her feel. But, even if it was a mistake, it was a mistate he made 8 YRS AGO. Ooof.

Couple points --

a) maybe she'll get an even bigger upgrade that she would have gotten - just from the guilt!
b) at least she WILL get "her" ring now (sounds like she never liked the old one anyway)
c) despite the anger/hurt/dissapointment...there are reasons to stay grateful. She has had eight good years of marrage. Some folks lose their husbands to death/divorce etc. Hers has stuck it out w/her, and she with him.

I'm sure she realizes by now that you can't really change how someone else feels & acts about something -- you can only state your case/feelings and ask for what you want (action, understanding etc)

Ooh - I hope she gets a BIG FAT ROCK outta this!

 

[Leila]

Yuck! I think it''s super tacky that he used his ex-fiance''s ring! I completely understand how upset your friend is about this. I''d be upset too if my husband did this. It''s kind of like wearing a hand me down, from your honey''s ex no less. That is so infuriating and hurtful. And your friend''s husband is mad that she''s mad about it?

That''s too bad but some guys are just super practical thinkers and won''t see anything wrong with reusing an engagement ring. I hope they talk it out and that he eventually will understand where she''s coming from. I''m glad your friend is getting a new ring.

 

[FireGoddess]

That does totally stink, for all the reasons mentioned above. At least if she had to find out about it, she found out about it now in the process of getting an upgrade. She can get her upgrade and have her own, bigger, better ring and be done with it. I''m sure her husband just doesn''t ''get it'', that an ering is an important thing and the last thing a woman wants is a ring previously intended for someone else. At least she''s in the position to get an upgrade, and doesn''t have to wear this one much longer!

 

[Kaleigh]

I would be mad as heck if my hubby did that to me. I certainly can understand her hurt feelings. But sometimes guys just don''t get these things. Not that I''m making excuses for him, quite the contrary. I hope she gets the upgrade of her dreams.

 

[movie zombie]

the best one can hope for in this situation is that each hears what the other is saying....and they move on. if they have a good marriage, this isn't worth the trouble [well, after the initial wailing/screaming due to disappointment]. if its not a good marriage, perhaps a re-evaluation is due.

maybe men should give us a choice: 'dear, i bought a ring for someone else i thought i wanted to marry but i broke it off because i decided i didn't want to marry her. i now know i want to spend the rest of my life with you and am joyous you have accepted my proposal. however, i can't afford to buy you an e-ring because i already bought one for the failed engagement. if i take it back i won't get nearly as much as i paid for it and i'll have to buy you a smaller ring. its your choice, dear, whether you decide to wear the ring i already have or decide to go for a smaller ring [or without a ring, if he can't afford another]. i'll be happy either way because i will have you as my wife.'

not very romantic but perhaps what needs to happen in these cases. not all men can afford to take the $$$ loss...either financially or psychologically.

this is a fresh wound for your friend...and it takes time to heal wounds. perhaps a good counselor would be of help.

peace, movie zombie

eta: i wouldn't just hope she gets the upgrade of her dreams, i certainly hope she makes sure she gets the upgrade of her dreams....

 

[researcher]

I can imagine your friend's shock and disappointment as I nearly FREAKED when I heard my hubby's brother proposed to his now wife with a diamond he had proposed to another woman with. Now, to make matters worse, the ring USED to be a 3-stone. Figuring it would be a dead giveaway that he was using the same ring with his now wife, he had the center stone made into an engagement ring, and gave her the sidestones as earrings on their wedding day. Isn't that horrible?!?! Not only does the girl get a "used" diamond, she got a smaller ring!!! I flipped when I heard this, but I have to admit that I don't like the girl one bit (she's been rude to me from the start (she didn't include me in the family wedding photos or let me sit with the family at the reception because I wasn't married to her brother-in-law yet (our wedding was 1 month after theirs)) and therefore like that she was "cheated". Now, I love my brother-in-law (her hubby), but I think what he did was HORRIBLE even though I don't like his wife. I believe the saying that "omission is the same as lying". If his wife knew what he did she would be VERY upset, and he knows it. That's the whole reason he tried to cover up his deception by making her ring a solitaire.

Anyway, I don't think there is anything you can do to make your friend feel better. She will be upset, but I think she'll get over it. After 8 years of marriage I'm sure she's secure in her relationship. If nothing else, tell her to use her upset to get an even bigger upgrade!

 

[widget]

Oh, my...I have such sympathy for your friend!

Obviously her husband was (and still is) clueless about the importance/meanining behind engagement rings to most women!

Hopefully...he has now learned.

I think MZ''s advice is very wise. Kate as GOT to let go of this, and move on. Bless them both, maybe the day will come when they can both laugh about this.

I''d think a new, bigger and better e-ring that''s ALL HERS would help a lot..

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[diamondlil]

I''d be really upset that I got another love''s ring and he never told me. The diamond is one thing, but he should have discussed it with her and maybe at least reset the stone in another setting. To find out after 8 years of marriage would be pretty darn awful! Looking past my anger, I''d use the information to my advantage to get a bigger upgrade than originally planned.

 

[Mara]

This may not be what others think, but I think she is kind of overreacting. They have been married for EIGHT YEARS and she finds this out through a random occurrence. Haven't they shared more than enough over that 8 years of time to weather a misundestanding or miscommunication? Sure he was an assclown to give her the other chick's ring but she's worn it happily for all this time in her ignorance. Also, his actions tell me that he totally had no idea it was an asinine move to do that and he must be shocked now that his wife is upset. Kind of like the whole 'do I look fat' question and the guy is like WHAT I was just honest when he says yes.

Women and their emotions can be like a loaded gun. He obviously was not doing it to be malicious and his cluelessness is not an excuse but if she loves him, as her husband, which I'm sure she does, she needs to be like well that sucks and move on and get past it. There are bigger issues in life and marriage than a really stupid mistake her husband made almost a decade ago. (yes it was really stupid!)

She should just upgrade the ring and then she will truly have something that was all hers and she can just put this behind her.

Bottom line is this may sound kind of harsh or like it's not being a good friend, but I think you can be a better friend by being honest with her rather than enabling her with her drama...if she continues to freak out about this then it may be bad for her marriage long-term and I think she should just be smart about it and view it from a less emotional standpoint. I know that this opinion may not be what the others were, but this is what I would tell any friend in my life this happens to and they all tell me often that they know that I will be honest with them and not coddle them or their emotions which they appreciate.

 

[Sparkster]

This is an extremely tough one. The husband bought the engagement ring for his ex as a symbol of his love for ex. It was chosen with his ex in his mind, it was chosen with the thought of ever lasting love with his ex and a life full of happiness with her. I feel it''s wrong to use this ''symbol'' of love for another woman to give to his new woman is wrong.

I don''t think he understands the symbolism of the ring represents. The best form of defence is always attack and that''s what he''s doing.

She needs to let him know why she is hurt. Maybe she could say to him ''what if she was divorced and to save money, she gave him her ex husbands wedding ring to wear instead of a new one.''

First of all, I think she should apologise for going off the roof, explain to him (not accuse, yell) why it upsets her so much. Allow him to apologise and most of all, forgive him.

Men are from Mars after all!

 

[Kaleigh]

Well it is most unfortunate, the guy was totally clueless and should have been honest with her from day one. To find out in such a way must have really hurt. But obviosuly this guy didn't think anything of it , and was as Mara says an assclown. She can either forgive him for his ignorance and move on and get a nice upgrade or be bitter for years to come. If I were her I'd move on with an awesome upgrade.

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/28/2005 7:30:30 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. I would have been LIVID... How terrible.. I''d give it back to him. I wouldn''t have worn my fiancee ex anything''s ring. What a JERK..

How can she give it back to him after eight years of marriage? Seriously.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/28/2005 7:40:12 PM
Author: kaleigh
She can either forgive him for his ignorance and move on and get a nice upgrade or be bitter for years to come. If I were her I''d move on with an awesome upgrade.

I''d be mad as hell but ultimately "to love" is "to forgive". I''m all for a lovely, sparkly holiday in PAY BACK CITY!!!!

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/28/2005 7:43:48 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/28/2005 7:40:12 PM
Author: kaleigh
She can either forgive him for his ignorance and move on and get a nice upgrade or be bitter for years to come. If I were her I'd move on with an awesome upgrade.

I'd be mad as hell but ultimately 'to love' is 'to forgive'. I'm all for a lovely, sparkly holiday in PAY BACK CITY!!!!

DITTO!! I can understand her being upset, but it IS water under the bridge. Men CAN be entirely clueless, but if she knows him and loves him after all this time together, she has to know it was not intentional and he would never hurt her....and I think that she CAN get past it and she should not waste any time being bitter about it, nor make a huge deal out of it...sometimes that can really backfire on you in a relationship.

And onto the upgrade of course.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I think the fact that he never told her was wrong. However, after 8 years, and the fact that it''s going to be traded in makes it moot IMO. I''d confront the husband, and say my piece and move on. I would not dwell on it, because after all they''re happily married!

But, here''s a different perspective...my brother has a ring that he bought for his ex. Even though they picked the ring out together, the ex never got to wear it because they broke up due to opposition from the ex''s dad. Anyways, the ex has never worn the ring, so it''s brand new. My brother''s currently dating a girl who knows about the ring, and she has told my brother that she would not mind one bit if he gave her the exact same ring in the exact same setting. She said she does not care that it came from a failed relationship ( I think she''s desperate, and a little crazy), but it would save my bro a ton of money and trouble to give her the ring as is. Just goes to show that there''s the really sentimental and emotional type, there''s also girls who don''t give a hoot as long as they get the guy.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am not sure what is worse, him giving her his ex''s ring or his lack of understanding about why she is upset. Obviously if she has had a good relationship with her husband this one thing shouldn''t bring them to break-up BUT I do agree that she should get her dream ring. She deserves to get WHATEVER diamond she wants and he deserves to pay for it

I would be very angry but I think with time the shock will wear off. The important thing is that they love each other.

 

[lmurden]

Date: 11/28/2005 7:46:37 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 11/28/2005 7:43:48 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/28/2005 7:40:12 PM
Author: kaleigh
She can either forgive him for his ignorance and move on and get a nice upgrade or be bitter for years to come. If I were her I''d move on with an awesome upgrade.

I''d be mad as hell but ultimately ''to love'' is ''to forgive''. I''m all for a lovely, sparkly holiday in PAY BACK CITY!!!!

DITTO!! I can understand her being upset, but it IS water under the bridge. Men CAN be entirely clueless, but if she knows him and loves him after all this time together, she has to know it was not intentional and he would never hurt her....and I think that she CAN get past it and she should not waste any time being bitter about it, nor make a huge deal out of it...sometimes that can really backfire on you in a relationship.

And onto the upgrade of course.

Mara, please! I see what you are saying but really! She has every right to be hurt. He kept it from her for eight years. He knew what he was doing or he would have told her up front! I think she should make him get her a completely knew ring! She not only deserves it after eight years but he owes her. What a slob.

 

[codex57]

Wow, there are an amazing amount of levelheaded women who understand men out there. I''m impressed ladies.

I''ll defend the poor guy. He didn''t know. Men tend to be extremely practical. He''d see it as a horrible waste of a perfectly good ring if he had to sell it and get a whole new one. He almost certainly didn''t get the whole symbolism thing. The clue is that he didn''t melt down the setting and get a new one (even if he did, like the other guy, it''s the practical side of a guy; the other guy prolly thought he was giving her a new ring b/c he tore down the old one to make the new one and earrings). A lot of the symbolism goes way over the head of your average male. Same goes with feelings. You say feelings to a guy and he''s thinking hungry, need to go bathroom, need to fart, sleepy, need to play video games, etc. I doubt that''s a girl''s idea when saying the word "feelings."

That said, guilt him into getting you a bigger upgrade. Goes with the territory. Husband is likely asking his guy friends and what women friends he has what the heck he did wrong. Eventually (if he has the informed kind of friends), he''ll realize he screwed up, chalk it up to the nonsensical mysteries of womanhood, and assent to a better upgrade cuz he screwed up even tho it wasn''t his fault. Just don''t keep bashing him over the head with this screwup forever or he''ll just resent you. Guys forgive and forget. You keep bringing it up, you''re just a shrew witch.

 

[Kaleigh]

Mara never said she shouldn't be hurt, quite the contrary. What she did say and I'm not quoting her was that the guy was clueless to his faux pas. There is a difference there, ya know?? Some guys can be total idiots with this kind of thing. Really.

 

[widget]

Author: decodelighted
I''d be mad as hell but ultimately ''to love'' is ''to forgive''. I''m all for a lovely, sparkly holiday in PAY BACK CITY!!!!

LOL...I''m with you, DecoD!!!

But seriously...this young woman''s feelings of hurt and anger are totally legitimate, and she''s not ''over reacting'' IMO. But she''s got to work through it. I imagine a sincere and heartfelt apology from her husband would help.

And I''ve rethought this "clueless" thing. I suspect he''s mad now because he''s defensive and feeling guilty. It seems to me that on some level he knew that recycling that ring was a big no-no...otherwise he would have told her where it came from eight years ago.

He got busted...

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[codex57]

Date: 11/28/2005 8:11:21 PM
Author: kaleigh
Mara never said she shouldn't be hurt, quite the contrary. What she did say and I'm not quoting her was that the guy was clueless to his faux pas. There is a difference there, ya know?? Some guys can be total idiots with this kid of thing. Really.

yes we can. I apologize for all men for us being stoneheaded idiots. Just try and love us for the simple-minded loveable lugs that we are. The girl has an absolute right to be mad about this. I just hope she tries and feel better in a constructive way like getting a bigger upgrade and callign it a day instead of browbeating the poor knucklhead into resenting her and contemplating divorce. He could be mad cuz he's getting yelled at and he doesn't know why or only just now realizes he was wrong and feels he's being victimized for something he did so long ago. Or, he could be mad cuz he knew he got caught. Ya never know with us cavemen.

 

[lmurden]

Date: 11/28/2005 8:11:21 PM
Author: kaleigh
Mara never said she shouldn''t be hurt, quite the contrary. What she did say and I''m not quoting her was that the guy was clueless to his faux pas. There is a difference there, ya know?? Some guys can be total idiots with this kid of thing. Really.

This guy knew what he was doing! He should have told her about the ring and had the diamond reset in a new setting.

 

[lmurden]

Date: 11/28/2005 8:14:20 PM
Author: widget

Author: decodelighted
I''d be mad as hell but ultimately ''to love'' is ''to forgive''. I''m all for a lovely, sparkly holiday in PAY BACK CITY!!!!

LOL...I''m with you, DecoD!!!

But seriously...this young woman''s feelings of hurt and anger are totally legitimate, and she''s not ''over reacting'' IMO. But she''s got to work through it. I imagine a sincere and heartfelt apology from her husband would help.

And I''ve rethought this ''clueless'' thing. I suspect he''s mad now because he''s defensive and feeling guilty. It seems to me that on some level he knew that recycling that ring was a big no-no...otherwise he would have told her where it came from eight years ago.

He got busted...

widget

Exactly! He''s defensive for a reason! Busted!

 

[codex57]

Date: 11/28/2005 8:17:25 PM
Author: lmurden

This guy knew what he was doing! He should have told her about the ring and had the diamond reset in a new setting.

That's exactly the kind of thing Researcher freaked out about upon learning it happened to her bro-in-law. See, there's a reason guys are clueless. We just don't know what the hell is going on in woman-brainland. We just chalk it up to the vagaries of womenhood and hope we don't screw up in the near future.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh I don''t know about that Imurden, just for a sec pretend he was oblivious as to how wrong this was to do. He probably feels awful about it. Maybe, and then again maybe not. You don''t know this guy and neither do I. So lets hope they move on with a gorgeous upgrade and have a happy ending!!!

 

[lmurden]

Date: 11/28/2005 8:21:39 PM
Author: kaleigh
Oh I don''t know about that Imurden, just for a sec pretend he was oblivious as to how wrong this was to do. He probably feels awful about it. Maybe, and then again maybe not. You don''t know this guy and neither do I. So lets hope they move on with a gorgeous upgrade and have a happy ending!!!

Don''t get me wrong, I don''t think their marriage should suffer in anyway, but I think he should be sympathtic and understanding. He should have listened to her and told her he was wrong and to forgive him and let him make it up to her with a ROCK!

 

[Mara]

I think there are different levels of over-reacting and that some people are far more emotional than others. I'm really not mcuh of an emotional person at all and neither is Greg so we work well together. But most times women are more emotional and men are more clueless.

That said, I really don't feel like the guy was hiding it from her. Why would he tell her sure upgrade and then sure look for the paperwork and sure this and sure that if he was trying to hide it from her that he gave her his ex's ring? I seriously just think he was clueless.

Of course he's not RIGHT...he was a total assclown for being so ignorant about recycling the ring. But be upset about it and then just let it go. In the scheme of things there are worse things in life IMO. My point is just that she should just let him know how she feels and then move on and focus on the future.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/28/2005 6:28:03 PM
Author: decodelighted
I doubt he''ll ever admit that it was a terrible/heartless/selfish idea to use the ex''s ring.

I disagree that it''s heartless or selfish....it likely was due to not thinking or not considering it important. That''s not the same intent/malice as "knowing it would be wrong and doing it anyway because he wanted to cause hurt."

Sure, it''s important to her. She should replace it and let it go.