Advice for a couple moving in together?

[Indylady]

I'd love to hear your thoughts! So many PS'ers are in wonderful and happy relationships, and so many have learned from some bad ones too--I'd love your wisdom.

 

[LaylaR]

How old are the couple? Are they introverts? Extroverts? One of each? Can you tell us more about them? Are they moving into a small space together like a one bedroom apartment? Or a big space? How many sinks in the master bathroom. Are they only children? Have siblings?

Advice is not one size fits all. We got a lot of useless scary advice when we moved in together.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Moving in is exciting! The night my fella moved in we did a champagne toast, and then life got real

A storage locker is your friend. I got really overwhelmed by his stuff when he moved in. I felt like it was everywhere. We basically devoted an afternoon to separating and purging both our belongings to make room for it to be "our" house. I love how much less cluttered it all is now (when it's clean).

Try not to stress out about money too much, work it out as much as you can in advance.

It's ok to get into a groove over housework. I really wanted chores split 50/50 but it ends up being more like 75/25 with me doing the bulk of them. For one, I work way less hours than he does so I'm home more, and I am very particular about how I want things done. So it works out for us. But be forthcoming with your expectations from the get go.

Alone time is a GOOD thing once you live together! We are both somewhat introverted so he has an office that he uses for work and he will go in there to listen to his Pandora while I cook or read. I think we would both go insane if one of us didn't have a quiet room.

 

[missy]

Hi @Indylady this is what worked for us when we moved in together.

Being patient with each other.
Communicating as soon as something was bothering us and just being open and honest and kind.

Be considerate of each other. Treat each other with respect and love and compassion and understanding. Just as one wants to be treated they should treat their partner.

When difficulties and conflict arise (and it is not a matter of if but when) it is not so much about the specific conflict/disagreement but more so about how you resolve your conflicts. How you work together to come to a good solution. One point I feel strongly about is sometimes you cannot compromise and one of you has to have their way. It should be the one who feels more strongly about the issue. Yes many times you can compromise but sometimes a compromise won't do.

And when something was not going right approaching the issue in a loving way remembering we are on the same team and working together towards the same goal.

Might sound corny but that is what worked for us and believe me moving in together was a huge change for both of us. It was a challenging few months when we first moved in together. More for me than my dh since I am more stuck in my ways.

Make time for each other but also make time for your friends apart from each other.

And that brings me to my last suggestion. Remain flexible and roll with the punches and you can work out anything together.

Good luck and wishing the happy couple all the best in health, happiness and love.

 

[monarch64]

2 bathrooms. That's all.

 

[Phoenix]

Hi @Indylady this is what worked for us when we moved in together.

Being patient with each other.
Communicating as soon as something was bothering us and just being open and honest and kind.

Be considerate of each other. Treat each other with respect and love and compassion and understanding. Just as one wants to be treated they should treat their partner.

When difficulties and conflict arise (and it is not a matter of if but when) it is not so much about the specific conflict/disagreement but more so about how you resolve your conflicts. How you work together to come to a good solution. One point I feel strongly about is sometimes you cannot compromise and one of you has to have their way. It should be the one who feels more strongly about the issue. Yes many times you can compromise but sometimes a compromise won't do.

And when something was not going right approaching the issue in a loving way remembering we are on the same team and working together towards the same goal.

Might sound corny but that is what worked for us and believe me moving in together was a huge change for both of us. It was a challenging few months when we first moved in together. More for me than my dh since I am more stuck in my ways.

Make time for each other but also make time for your friends apart from each other.

And that brings me to my last suggestion. Remain flexible and roll with the punches and you can work out anything together.

Good luck and wishing the happy couple all the best in health, happiness and love.

True for every relationship and not just for 2 people moving in.

Sage advice.

 

[Phoenix]

2 bathrooms. That's all.

Totally this!

I've never shared a bathroom with anyone. I'd end up breaking up with everyone I've ever shared with if I had.

 

[Luce]

2 bathrooms. That's all.

Amen!!!

 

[dk168]

Give each other some space and freedom.

Good luck!

DK

 

[missy]

Haha yes separate bathrooms make life easier as a couple for sure...hopefully that is not too late a recommendation as it sounds as if the happy couple already have a place they are moving to. Don't despair if your place only has one bathroom though because while it is preferable to have your own you can make it work if you are sharing. Greg and I shared a master bathroom at our SG beach house in the 90s and early 2000s and we made it work surprisingly enough so all is not lost if you don't have the luxury of 2 bathrooms.


https://www.today.com/home/are-separate-bathrooms-secret-happy-marriage-t140041

Are separate bathrooms the secret to a happy marriage?
At least one therapist says it's not an idea to be flushed away so easily.

Oct. 23, 2018 / 3:28 PM EDT / Source: TODAY
By Randee Dawn

Michelle Obama. Michael Caine. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Joan Collins. What do all of these celebrities have in common?

They all agree that having two separate bathrooms equals one long-lived, happy marriage.



"Listen, I know that everybody can't have that, but it does help, quite frankly," Collins told James Corden on "The Late, Late Show" in September. Early in October, the former first lady echoed the sentiment on TODAY.
"We're all seeking sound bites of sage wisdom about what works in a relationship," licensed marriage and family therapist Laura Petifordtold TODAY. "The reality is it's always more contextual, much deeper and highly reliant on what's important to those particular people."

In other words, "maybe."


Two bathrooms — and the admission of a preference for them — is in part a declaration of a "highly egalitarian marriage," she said. "It can be a reflection that at least in this aspect of life, there's equality."

Plus, it can be a romance saver.

"The bathroom is a space where we attend to highly intimate aspects of ourselves, and a high-risk environment to reveal habits of cleanliness, which can be contentious for couples," she said. "On a superficial level, having two bathrooms might allow for maintaining a higher level of romance, keeping a degree of mystery."

From Joan Collins to Michelle Obama and Sarah Michelle Gellar, some celebrities credit separate bathrooms as the secret to a long marriage.Getty Images
Studies on whether long-term couples share or separate their bathrooms are pretty scant, but in 2017 Honest Tea released results of a study indicating that 60 percent of those surveyed believed that being honest with your partner about your bathroom habits led to a healthier relationship.


But, as Petiford noted, any problems couple have are probably not solely about bathrooms, or any shared rooms for that matter.

"Whenever anybody comes in with a 'preventing' issue, it's really more about the dynamic that exists between the couple, rather than critical issues," she said. "As is often the case in therapy or when people have a complaint, it's almost never about the particular issue at hand, but the dynamic about the thing that's being talked about."

No surprise: It turns out the bathroom discussion can be a metaphor for an entire relationship.

"There are no shortcuts (to maintaining a long, happy relationship)," said Petiford. "We're always looking for them: Tell me what the secret is! But the bottom line is that relationships are hard work. Hard work, and a lot of communication — no matter how many bathrooms you have."

So yeah it comes down to communication and how you interact and deal with conflict in general.

And sometimes sharing a bathroom can be fun...



just sayin

 

[jamesallenrings]

Communication and respect can pretty much get you through anything.

 

[Indylady]

Hi @Indylady this is what worked for us when we moved in together.

Being patient with each other.
Communicating as soon as something was bothering us and just being open and honest and kind.

Missy, sorry to cut your quote short, its just a little more manageable this way. Wow, great advice, thank you!! You are so right--being loving in the way one approaches issues goes a very long way. My boyfriend once commented that I respond more by his tone than the content of his words. And I think its true. The delivery, especially if kind and loving, really changes how you might take criticism or anything else that you otherwise might react badly toward. And you are right, remembering that you're in it together is so important! I sometimes find it easy to forget , so that's definitely one for me to work on!

How old are the couple? Are they introverts? Extroverts? One of each? Can you tell us more about them? Are they moving into a small space together like a one bedroom apartment? Or a big space? How many sinks in the master bathroom. Are they only children? Have siblings?

Advice is not one size fits all. We got a lot of useless scary advice when we moved in together.

The couple is...me! Late 20's/early 30's, a 1 bedroom apartment but a spacious one, one sink in the bathroom, and I am an only child. First time for both!

 

[Indylady]

Monach, Phoenix, Luce, and Missy! I wish! We only have 1, and its been a little while since I've shared a bathroom...I never thought I had a lot of makeup or toiletries until I moved in... Also...its an old building with paper thin walls and the acoustics in the apartment are horrible, you can hear anything happening in the bathroom. We've actually thought of getting a white noise machine for the bathroom!

DK--Thank you

James Allen--Great advice! Communication and respect are both so important.

 

[LaylaR]

Missy, sorry to cut your quote short, its just a little more manageable this way. Wow, great advice, thank you!! You are so right--being loving in the way one approaches issues goes a very long way. My boyfriend once commented that I respond more by his tone than the content of his words. And I think its true. The delivery, especially if kind and loving, really changes how you might take criticism or anything else that you otherwise might react badly toward. And you are right, remembering that you're in it together is so important! I sometimes find it easy to forget , so that's definitely one for me to work on!

The couple is...me! Late 20's/early 30's, a 1 bedroom apartment but a spacious one, one sink in the bathroom, and I am an only child. First time for both!

Sounds like my husband and me when we moved in together. I am an only child and ours was a one bedroom.

People have different cleaning styles. My husband is diagnosed with OCD so if he has to clean a bathroom, it takes him 4 hours-- including using a toothbrush for the grout, but you can do surgery in there after he is done. But that can be frustrating because while he is doing one bathroom, I can get the whole rest of the house done.

So we had to learn to clean together. I am better at organizing and picking up things and putting them back where they belong. But I hate cleaning the kitchen (though I will if I have to). So I handle the house except the bathrooms and kitchen. He handles the kitchen. And we do the bathrooms together for the most part so that it doesn't take 4 hours, and I don't have to clean the whole house.

For me organization is a pet peeve. To this day the man can't put the milk back in the fridge where it belongs.

So you in summary: learn about yourself and him. Pay attention to your differences. Problem solve solutions to household issues together, taking into account your strengths and weaknesses individually. You can either be stronger together or weaker together. Keep your eye on how to compliment each other's strengths instead of getting stuck on each other's weaknesses. Learn to pick your battles. You may just have to learn to accept that for 20 years, the milk will not be on the right shelf when you aren't the one putting it back. You can't make each issue into Waterloo, work together to fix the things you can't live with, and learn to compromise or just accept the things that you can.

 

[Phoenix]

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this. If not, if you haven't already done so, I'd open a joint bank account for shared household expenses like mortgage/ rent, utilities, internet, groceries etc..But keep your own accounts in your individual names.

And agree beforehand, who's gonna do which household chores, how often and when.

 

[Dancing Fire]

And agree beforehand, who's gonna do which household chores, how often and when.

And who's gonna sport the bigger diamond?

 

[Indylady]

So you in summary: learn about yourself and him. Pay attention to your differences. Problem solve solutions to household issues together, taking into account your strengths and weaknesses individually. You can either be stronger together or weaker together. Keep your eye on how to compliment each other's strengths instead of getting stuck on each other's weaknesses. Learn to pick your battles. You may just have to learn to accept that for 20 years, the milk will not be on the right shelf when you aren't the one putting it back. You can't make each issue into Waterloo, work together to fix the things you can't live with, and learn to compromise or just accept the things that you can.

Nice, I really like this! Complimenting each other's strengths is a great perspective--its a leeetle too easy to think about it the other way.

 

[Indylady]

And who's gonna sport the bigger diamond?

Heheheh. I'm working on a project with Steven Kirsch right now, I'm so excited, so I'm thinking it'll be me for just a little while.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this. If not, if you haven't already done so, I'd open a joint bank account for shared household expenses like mortgage/ rent, utilities, internet, groceries etc..But keep your own accounts in your individual names.

And agree beforehand, who's gonna do which household chores, how often and when.

Oh man! Joint bank account...I know we're living together, but somehow that feels even scarier! It's a great idea and makes sense practically, but, feels pretty crazy since we've both been independent for so long.