Wedding Advice about engaged friend needed

[rubybeth]

So I have this close friend who recently got engaged, and part of me really wants to play devil''s advocate and ask her a lot of tough questions about her relationship with her FI. They''ve been together for a good amount of time—a year and a half—and they are tentatively planning to get married next summer (9 mos. engagement) when their leases on their apts. run out, so it''s not like it''s a rush job. It''s more than she is still uncertain about what she wants to do for her career (she''s got her BA in mental health, but would need an MA to be a professional anything) and he is approx. 4 years younger than she is (not yet 21) and isn''t currently in school (did a couple semesters at random).

Part of me wants to ask her/them: Can he support a family? What if you lost your job? Can you realistically afford to do this?

I''m a little worried, because DH and I have made marriage/inexpensive weddings look pretty appealing, and maybe she and he are thinking that if we can do it, so can they. However, DH and I already have our BAs, and are working on 2nd degrees, and have a significant amount of work experience between us (we are 27 and 26, whereas they are 24 and 20).

She has had a lot of negative feelings related to marriage, I think a lot of fear which stemmed from an ex-boyfriend being really awful, and another ex-boyfriend always talking about marrying her, which she didn''t want to do at the time. Now, I see that she is experiencing some anxiety, and I bought her the book "Emotionally Engaged" and am going to give it to her tonight.

What would you do? I like the guy, but I can''t help but thinking of the statistics about marriage before the age of 25, and about their financial situation, being the pragmatic person that I am.

I don''t want to overstep my boundaries about this, and I don''t want to imply that he''s a bad guy, but I think, especially in this economy, they could stand to wait until at least one of them figures out a career track.

 

[neatfreak]

Honestly, I think you will be overstepping your boundaries if you say anything unless she asks.

In my book you only say something if he's cheating on her, treats her really poorly, lies to her, etc. If you just are questioning whether they are ready or not, it's not your place to say anything and possibly destroy your friendship IMO.

I'd just wait it out...she very well might back out on her own. And just because she isn't where YOU were when you got married age and finance wise doesn't mean they can't have a successful marriage either. It isn't all about money.

 

[rubybeth]

Thanks, neatfreak. That''s how I''m feeling: it''s not my place. I just worry, because it seems that emotionally, she''s got some issues with being engaged, and she expressed a bit of that to me, so I said I''d get her the book. I certainly don''t want to lose her as a friend.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/1/2008 3:03:41 PM
Author: rubybeth
Thanks, neatfreak. That''s how I''m feeling: it''s not my place. I just worry, because it seems that emotionally, she''s got some issues with being engaged, and she expressed a bit of that to me, so I said I''d get her the book. I certainly don''t want to lose her as a friend.

Yeah...it''s a hard situation, but lessons she might need to learn by herself. If she wants to talk about it or get your advice, she''ll ask.

 

[bee*]

I agree with NF, it would be over stepping the boundaries. Just say to her that you''re there to talk about wedding things of any nature if she ever feels like chatting. Are there doing a pre-marital course? They''ll have to talk over a good few things on that if they''re doing one.

 

[FrekeChild]

I have a friend that got married at the beginning of 2008. She is 23 and her husband is 20. They are both in school, her for her MA and him for his BA. Right now he works at a shoe store and she is working on campus, and they are making it just fine.

I would say it''s not your place either. I don''t really have any suggestions for you. I think you just have to be there for her no matter what...

Having said all of that, I''d have the same concerns as you are having.

 

[Octavia]

I''m also in the "don''t say anything" camp. My parents got married at 20 after dating for about 1 1/2 years, and at the time my dad worked in a job where the date and amount of each paycheck were anything but certain while my mom worked in retail. Neither has more than a high school degree. They lived paycheck-to-paycheck for several years, even after I was born, and only when I was in high school did we have "enough" money. Everyone told them they were too young, too poor, and it wouldn''t last...but they''ve been married for almost 30 years now. I realize that times have changed and that it doesn''t have a happy ending for everyone, but most of my friends'' parents did the same thing, and I think it used to be pretty normal for things to work that way.

As long as they treat each other well and are committed to making their life together work through thick and thin, that''s most important. I think you''re a good friend for being concerned, but in the end people are going to make their own decisions, and possibly make mistakes (although hopefully not in their case!) and like Freke said, it''s important for you to support her.

 

[allycat0303]

In almost everything in life, I ALWAYS say, "Just because it is not right for me, doesn''t mean it''s not right for someone else" She hasn''t solicitated your advice, and there are no glaring red flags at the moment i.e drugs/cheating/abuse/gambling, so I would be a supportive friend.

Case in point, I had a friend that was 28 years old, had just got out of a 2 year relationship, met a younger guy, 23, and 2 months later got engaged and 2 months later they got married. I THOUGHT she was INSANE. Really. But I didn''t say a word, except, "wow, that''s exciting" And 4 years later, the are still married, and very happy. I thought it would last 1 week before they realized they made a mistake. Joke was on me for being such a doubter.

 

[honey22]

Ditto. If you say something you could come accross as very condescending and you may damage the relationship permanently. How would you feel if she asked those questions of you - you would be hurt and offended.

My parents met, fell in love and were married in the space of 9 months, and no, she wasn''t pregnant. Everyone said it wouldn''t last. Even Dad''s Mum didn''t like his choice (silly cow). They waited almost 8 years to have children together, which 30 years ago, was almost a scandal. They have been happily married for 39 years this year, and they are still like teenagers in love. Statistically, it was probably doomed, but they made it work and are very very lucky to still have each other.

 

[kstar512]

I think we are all in agreement. You shouldnt say a thing. I am twenty one and getting married, and while all my close friends and family are all very supportive and happy for us, a few people have made comments, and I HATE it when they do. I am sure she has thought about all of your concerns whether she has discussed them with you or not. Either way, you should be happy for your friend if she is happy. Thats what friends are for.

 

[kittybean]

Ditto to all. This is the time for you to be as supportive as possible; tell her you are there for her and are always there to listen. That way, if she has anything she wants to discuss, she can come to you. If she never says anything, wish her well and continue to support her.

 

[Nocturnius]

I''m in agreement.

As a young wife, once a young bride, I can tell you absolutely nothing is more irritating and alienating than other people telling you you''re not ready or suddenly asking you "hard" questions about your relationship like they''re testing you to see if THEY think you''re really ready. I cut off several friendships during my engagement for this reason; it comes across as unsupportive and no one needs or wants unsupportive friends. This is amplified during the planning process, when it feels like everyone should be happy for you.

If she asks your advice, give it to her. Otherwise, "don''t ask, don''t tell."

 

[Smurfysmiles]

DITTO DITTO DITTO

I had my friends actually take me out to their car during me and fiance's going away party (yeah, seriously bad timing on their part imho) They started grilling me to see if it's what I really wanted and I was defending me and FI's relationship for half an hour and missing out on seeing my friends. They are my best friends and I know they were just trying to look out for me but I honestly would have preferred it if they had said nothing at all. It really made me upset. Nothing is worse than people expressing their doubts about your relationship.

 

[VRBeauty]

I was sure a good friend of mine was making a mistake when she got married. She''s disciplined and hard working, he was into his hobbies and basically a slacker before his time. They''ve been happily married for at least ten years now, and although she''ll roll her eyes when discussing his emplyment situations, I''m sure she wouldn''t change a thing. And... I''m glad I never told her about my misgivings!

 

[WishfulThinking]

I know I am adding another voice to an already booming choir, but since I have personal experience with this I figure I should comment.

Please don''t say anything to her. I''m a 21 year old bride, and my DW is the same age. It''s never fun to be harassed, no matter how well-intentioned it may be, about the age at which you are getting married. I am pretty sure your friend knows the statistics about the choice she is making, and I''d be willing to bet she''s already been lectured on it by a multitude of other people. The odds suck, yes, but then again, the odds of marriages in general surviving aren''t all that great. Sometimes the least likely couples make it, and sometimes the only people who know the ins and outs of their situation are the two people making the decision to get married.

 

[rubybeth]

I definitely will not say anything about my concerns to her, just offer my support at this time. I know it''s not my place, I just feel protective.

I did give the couple the book "Emotionally Engaged" tonight (we are all big readers; she gave me a book on being a new wife for my wedding present, which was awesome) and they were both reading it this evening, so that was nice to see. Her FI seemed equally interested in the book, so that was VERY cool.

I did learn tonight, however, that my friend has been having, "at least one panic attack a week" since they got engaged. That kind of scared me, because panic attacks are no fun, and seem like a pretty strong/serious reaction! She asked me if that seemed ''normal,'' and I said that I freaked out about things that I knew were of little significance in the long-term (i.e. my ring, our invitations, etc.) in the realm of wedding planning, but that I was very glad to know where my relationship with FI was headed. I said as long as it was about things that were ultimately not a big deal, then not to worry. She said something like, "But I keep thinking things like, what if I want to run off and become a nun in India?!" and I said, "Well, unless he dies, you''re not going to be a nun!" We laughed, and I said that my DH had some of the same reactions. We ultimately knew that any adventures one of us wanted to embark upon, we''d want to embark upon together, so I think she needs to come to terms with that on her own. I think the book will help them both navigate these complex emotions.

I will not overstep my boundaries on this--my own MIL was not/is not my biggest fan, and let FI/DH know about it, which led to her not being involved in the wedding other than showing up with a smile plastered on her face all day.

It''s definitely up to them to make their decisions, and I will let them know they have my full support.