Adoption Thread

[Bella_mezzo]

thanks hopefully DH will take some pics that are not so grey today

The crib converts to toddler bed with a rail and toddler daybed, and I think a double bed or something like that.

B sleeps in a crib right now, we're planning on co-sleeping in ET, and then when we are home we'll probably co-sleep for about a month and then transition him to the crib as a toddler bed.

 

[Dreamer_D]

thanks hopefully DH will take some pics that are not so grey today

The crib converts to toddler bed with a rail and toddler daybed, and I think a double bed or something like that.

B sleeps in a crib right now, we're planning on co-sleeping in ET, and then when we are home we'll probably co-sleep for about a month and then transition him to the crib as a toddler bed.

Sounds like a good plan! You might need a plan B in ET, in case he does not sleep well when co-sleeping. For some reason Hunter never has been able t ocosleep. He gets excited and wants to jump around all over us Oh you guys are going to have so much fun! What an adventure.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

We have a small folding cot-type thing (it's like a pack n play without sides) that we're taking to ET in case co-sleeping doesn't work out, but we are going to try to hard to have it work

 

[Dreamer_D]

We have a small folding cot-type thing (it's like a pack n play without sides) that we're taking to ET in case co-sleeping doesn't work out, but we are going to try to hard to have it work

If he gets tired enough, he will fall asleep eventually!

 

[dcgator]

Bella - I just wanted to wish you safe travel with your upcoming trips to Russia and ET and hope that you are able to bring back your little B soon! Also, I love the color scheme in the room, and I'm sure he will too

 

[Loves Vintage]

Bella - Your nursery is very sweet. I started getting a little teary eye'd when I saw the decal. (Haha, no one will ever accuse me of not being emotional!) I guess it suddenly dawned on me how lucky B is. I never really thought about it from his perspective before. He is going to have an amazing life!

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for your well wishes and concern while I've been MIA. I hesitated to even update because I don't want to rain on Bella & Penn's exciting time, but I hated to just disappear. Anyway, our birthmom did decide to parent. It was hard to hear but I respect the fact that it's a monumental decision for a person to make. My husband and I are just letting it sink in and kind of dreading going home to the nursery and all the stuff/friends/family but we can't hide here forever, lol. I know I'll be reading and I'm sure I'll jump back in once we are ready to try this process again. Thanks for all the support!

Best of luck to Bella & Penn! I can't wait to see your little boys!

 

[lliang_chi]

IG, I know there's nothing that can be said to help you. But if it helps you have friends here and in your real life that are here for you. Don't feel like you need to hide; we're here for you for whatever. Vent, talk, or just shoulder to metaphorically cry on. Hugs my friend.

~LC

 

[Puppmom]

IG, I've been following your story and I'm so sorry to hear that things took an unexpected turn. I hope that the birth-mom is able to successfully parent and you and your DH are able to expand your family when you're ready to give it another go.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

IG, lots of hugs to you and your husband. You sound very gracious in your heartbreak. Like lliang said, know that you can come here and vent or talk when you need to.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Oh, IG!!! My heart goes out to you and your husband. These situations can make me crazy, but I won't go into that now. Many hugs and prayers for you. I am so sorry. I will tell you, though, that we lost a child that we were assigned and were heartbroken at the time, but God had the perfect child for us at the perfect time. I hope soon you will see that play out in your life.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Bella, my prayers are with you and your family for a wonderful trip of a lifetime!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Oh IG-I am so sorry for this loss. You are gracious in your heartbreak, and like you I respect birthparent's decision to parent, but I can't imagine how you must feel right now! Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish we were friends IRL so that I could give you a huge hug and go out drink tea. Please use this thread to express anything you need to as you process this! And I hope that your friends and family are sensitive and there for you during this time! Adoption is sure not all sunshine and roses, it's a beautiful thing that is built from some very difficult and painful situations. Before we were matched with B we had a very bad situation with our previous agency regarding another little boy that we wanted to adopt. We are thrilled to be adopting B, but there is still some pain from the loss of W...and that time was very painful. I think there are probably a lot of parallels to a miscarriage. Anyway, please still post on this thread and know that we are all here for you!

I just have to get through my last day in the office tomorrow and my Finance final (which is going to be brutal) and then this crazy journey literally halfway around the world (to Russia for work and Ethiopia for B) will begin! it is just barely starting to sink in, and I can't wait to have some time on the plane to really absorb this.

On the not so fun note, my job has reaffirmed its absolute suckage in the HR/benefits/anything related to family department.

 

[Lanie]

IG -- you sound so sweet in your message. The right child will come along at the right time. Thinking about you and sending a huge hug your way.

 

[Trekkie]

Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for your well wishes and concern while I've been MIA. I hesitated to even update because I don't want to rain on Bella & Penn's exciting time, but I hated to just disappear. Anyway, our birthmom did decide to parent. It was hard to hear but I respect the fact that it's a monumental decision for a person to make. My husband and I are just letting it sink in and kind of dreading going home to the nursery and all the stuff/friends/family but we can't hide here forever, lol. I know I'll be reading and I'm sure I'll jump back in once we are ready to try this process again. Thanks for all the support!

Best of luck to Bella & Penn! I can't wait to see your little boys!

I'm a habitual lurker on this thread and I had to come out of lurkdom to give you a virtual hug, ImperfectGirl. I'm so terribly sorry that you are going through this right now. I can't even imagine how much you must be hurting right now. I wish I had a magic wand to make it go away.

I have so much respect for how wonderfully you are dealing with this. I am sure that you will be a mommy, it will happen for you. I know "it wasn't meant to be" seems so empty in this situation, but maybe it wasn't meant to be.

A girl on a fertility forum I lurk on has as her tag line "Everything will be ok in the end. If it is not ok then it is not the end". It saw her hell and back and she is now the mother of three beautiful little girls. I firmly believe that in the end it will be ok for you - if it's not ok, it's not the end.

In the meanwhile, feel free to rant and rave and throw a few virtual tantrums. We'll be here holding your hand.

 

[nfowife]

IG, many hugs to you, I know this must be a difficult time. But I have faith that there are wonderful things in store for you....

 

[charbie]

Another lurker over here, but big hugs to you and your husband, IG. I am so sorry you have to go through this after all of the anticipation, and cannot imagine the pain right now. Hang in there as best as possible and know we are all thinking of you.




And soooooo excited to hear updates about B coming home,Bella! Good luck!

 

[ImperfectGirl]

I really want to thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. It really does help. From the time we learned of her change of heart, we've been confident that the right child will come into our lives at the right time. We've learned many lessons from this experience and I really have nothing but love and respect for the birthmother. She didn't want to let us know personally of her decision, and I understand why, but I left her a voicemail expressing how much I've enjoyed getting to know her and that we wished her all the best. I have tremendous respect for women who choose adoption especially because it's not a decision I think I could make myself.

At any rate, we were packing up this morning to head back home (we drove) when we got a call from our agency. Our caseworker called to check on us and mentioned that there is a birthmother in the same state (MN) who picked our profile as her #1 choice and really wants to talk with us. Our caseworker was hesitant to mention it as she wasn't sure if we were ready to dive back in but said she'd let it be our choice. She was hoping that if we did want to go forward we could talk with and meet the new birthmom before we head home. Initially we thought we'd take a few months off from the process but when presented with this new situation we decided to go for it. So, I'll be talking to the birthmom in a couple hours and if we all agree, we'll be taking her out for dinner this evening to get to know each other better. I guess we are back on the horse! She is having a girl and is due in mid-Sept. I'll come back and let you all know how things go!

thank you again for all of your support!

Bella - Have a fantastic trip!!!!
Penn - I hope you are holding little Charles right now and can't wait to hear an update from you.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Another lurker. IG, I just wanted to say that I admire you and all the other adoptive parents on this thread who put yourselves out there knowing that you are opening yourself up to possible heartbreak but still maintain a positive attitude and want what's best for the birth mother and baby. Maybe this little girl you just found out about (or some other child) needs you more than that little guy did. Good luck today!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

IG, I'm another lurker and I have to tell you how truly inspirational you are to me. You handled the bad news with such grace and dignity. When I read that you called the birthmom to tell her how much you've enjoyed getting to know her through this process it literally made me cry. As MP said, you opened yourself up and while I have no doubt there is some hurt and disappointment, you've really handled this like an angel. I'm also truly inspired that you're so willing to get back on the horse despite the recent bad news. You have no idea how much I'm hoping this works out for you, you will be an amazing mother one day.

Bella, I'm thinking about you today as well--I can't wait to hear from you when you get back. I'm so excited for you!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

IG...prayers for this potential meeting with a new birthmother!

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Thank you Monkeyprincess, New England Lady & DiamondSeeker for your well wishes with the new birthmom today. Things went really well! She is an beautiful 23 year old who just isn't in the position to care for a baby. She said that she knew she couldn't provide the life that the baby deserved. She actually didn't even know she was pregnant until about 21 weeks which is crazy. She'll be 28 weeks tomorrow and barely has a teeny tiny baby bump. She was very sweet and the meeting was very comfortable and easy. She's choosing adoption with 100% of her parent's support. Together, she and the baby's father chose our profile and we all walked away from the meal feeling like we wanted to match. So we are matched! Wow, I'm kind of in shock right now. I never thought things would move this quick the 2nd time around and I never thought I'd be ready to move on again so soon, but it feels right. What a roller coaster of emotions this has been. We have decided not to tell anyone, including our families, until the baby is already born...what a surprise that will be! l only be sharing news and updates with my virtual friends.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Thank you Monkeyprincess, New England Lady & DiamondSeeker for your well wishes with the new birthmom today. Things went really well! She is an beautiful 23 year old who just isn't in the position to care for a baby. She said that she knew she couldn't provide the life that the baby deserved. She actually didn't even know she was pregnant until about 21 weeks which is crazy. She'll be 28 weeks tomorrow and barely has a teeny tiny baby bump. She was very sweet and the meeting was very comfortable and easy. She's choosing adoption with 100% of her parent's support. Together, she and the baby's father chose our profile and we all walked away from the meal feeling like we wanted to match. So we are matched! Wow, I'm kind of in shock right now. I never thought things would move this quick the 2nd time around and I never thought I'd be ready to move on again so soon, but it feels right. What a roller coaster of emotions this has been. We have decided not to tell anyone, including our families, until the baby is already born...what a surprise that will be! l only be sharing news and updates with my virtual friends.

Congrats IG! Sounds like a happy beginning for you all!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

IG, I am so thrilled for you and hope that the coming weeks fly by! I know that you will be an amazing mother In the meantime, we can totally be your virtual support group I can only imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you've had the past week!

I survived today wrapping things up at work for a huge international tour and prepping my boss and associate for my being out for the next three months, and taking a huge Finance final.

I just got home and tomorrow afternoon I fly to Russia to start this insane journey.

We just learned that the women's ministry in ET is backed up b/c some staff are on vacation, so it could take longer than expected to pass court. We are just along for the ride at this point and will see what happens and enjoy a stay of who knows how long in ET

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Wow, IG! I hope all goes well this time! Do you have to pay any of her expenses? My problem with some adoptions is when the adoptive parents pay all kinds of expenses for the birthmother and then she just "happens" to change her mind. I have heard of people purposely doing this to get financial help during pregnancy. So I would be super wary of situations where you have to pay any money before the adoption papers are signed, other than a registration fee or whatever to the agency. I would just hate to see you end up in another bad situation.

 

[lliang_chi]

Bella, I'm really hoping things will go smoothly for you in ET. YOu're in my thoughts and I hope you have some wonderful adventures with your new family!!! So, so, so happy for you!!!

IG, I echo what everyone said that you handled all of these tumultuous news so gracefully. You really are an inspiration, and I know you will make an amazing mom. I'm so happy your meeting with the new birth mom went so well. Feel free to share with us, we're here for you every step of the way. I"m keeping you and your DH in my thoughts throughout this whole process. You both are such strong and amazing people. A child will be blessed to have you as parents.

~LC

 

[AGBF]

I really want to thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. It really does help. From the time we learned of her change of heart, we've been confident that the right child will come into our lives at the right time. We've learned many lessons from this experience and I really have nothing but love and respect for the birthmother.

ImperfectGirl-

Twenty years ago, when I was first starting to adopt, I would have been so irate at what happened to you that I would not have been able to hear your message. My eyes would be able to go over your words on the screen, but my brain would be incapable of processing them. I wanted to adopt internationally so that I would not be subjected to a situation such as the one you were. First of all, I did not want to have to be chosen by some teenage girl with, in my opinion, probably the worst judgment in the world. I didn't want to audition for her baby based on my age and my looks and what my husband and I did for a living. I highly resented the notion that she might go for another couple based on their Hollywood good looks; better looking home; or more glamorous profession. Second of all, and far worse, I didn't want to bond with a baby and have my child-my life-taken from me if she changed her mind and wanted the baby back after I had started to mother him! It was my worst nightmare! I wanted to go somewhere where a child would be mine, all mine, completely mine, when I adopted him. And so I chose the international route.

As time has passed and I have become secure as my daughter's real mother, and as I have come to "know", albeit only through phone calls and e-mails, her sweet birth mother, I have mellowed. I don't any longer see the birth mother as a young adversary who is out to hurt me. But the truth is that a birthmother can hurt a child and an adoptive mother (and/or father). A realistic approach for working with one has to include plans for dealing with all the ways in which she can, inadvertently, do that. Just as a realistic approach to international adoption has to include plans for dealing with the many obstacles one faces if he chooses that route!

I wanted to echo the sentiment of others here who have praised you for your grace under pressure and your wisdom. I know that I could not have handled the situation which you did. I do know that I, like you, came to believe that I would get the baby that was meant for me, however, and I am sure that I did, even though my daughter came to severe emotional problems when she became a teenager. I know she was meant to be mine!

I wish you all the best. Your baby is coming. I believe it was written in the stars!

Hugs,
Deb/AGBF

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Wow, IG! I hope all goes well this time! Do you have to pay any of her expenses? My problem with some adoptions is when the adoptive parents pay all kinds of expenses for the birthmother and then she just "happens" to change her mind. I have heard of people purposely doing this to get financial help during pregnancy. So I would be super wary of situations where you have to pay any money before the adoption papers are signed, other than a registration fee or whatever to the agency. I would just hate to see you end up in another bad situation.

We won't have to pay for expenses beyond uncovered medical expenses and an attorney for the birthmother. Our state mandates that because we are using an out of state agency, legal and medical expenses are the only expenses we are legally able to pay. Paying for anything else would be a felony and would severely jeopardize the adoption. Our caseworker knows that we are bound by that law so we are only being presented to women who do not have expenses.

I have heard of many situations where adoptive parents pay for all types of expenses, including rent, food, maternity clothes, etc every month, and then experience a birthmother changing her mind. It breaks my heart because not only is the adoption process emotionally draining, but it can be very financially draining as well. I can imagine in those situation it's easy to wonder if the birthmother might have had an ulterior motive. Thank you so much for your well wishes for this next situation. I remain cautiously optomistic.

 

[ImperfectGirl]

I really want to thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. It really does help. From the time we learned of her change of heart, we've been confident that the right child will come into our lives at the right time. We've learned many lessons from this experience and I really have nothing but love and respect for the birthmother.

ImperfectGirl-

Twenty years ago, when I was first starting to adopt, I would have been so irate at what happened to you that I would not have been able to hear your message. My eyes would be able to go over your words on the screen, but my brain would be incapable of processing them. I wanted to adopt internationally so that I would not be subjected to a situation such as the one you were. First of all, I did not want to have to be chosen by some teenage girl with, in my opinion, probably the worst judgment in the world. I didn't want to audition for her baby based on my age and my looks and what my husband and I did for a living. I highly resented the notion that she might go for another couple based on their Hollywood good looks; better looking home; or more glamorous profession. Second of all, and far worse, I didn't want to bond with a baby and have my child-my life-taken from me if she changed her mind and wanted the baby back after I had started to mother him! It was my worst nightmare! I wanted to go somewhere where a child would be mine, all mine, completely mine, when I adopted him. And so I chose the international route.

As time has passed and I have become secure as my daughter's real mother, and as I have come to "know", albeit only through phone calls and e-mails, her sweet birth mother, I have mellowed. I don't any longer see the birth mother as a young adversary who is out to hurt me. But the truth is that a birthmother can hurt a child and an adoptive mother (and/or father). A realistic approach for working with one has to include plans for dealing with all the ways in which she can, inadvertently, do that. Just as a realistic approach to international adoption has to include plans for dealing with the many obstacles one faces if he chooses that route!

I wanted to echo the sentiment of others here who have praised you for your grace under pressure and your wisdom. I know that I could not have handled the situation which you did. I do know that I, like you, came to believe that I would get the baby that was meant for me, however, and I am sure that I did, even though my daughter came to severe emotional problems when she became a teenager. I know she was meant to be mine!

I wish you all the best. Your baby is coming. I believe it was written in the stars!

Hugs,
Deb/AGBF

If I'm being honest, I had much of the same thoughts at one time or another before we started this process. I don't know when it changed for me. I think it's because I keep going back to putting myself in her shoes. Just giving birth and handing your baby to a couple knowing you many never see him/her again. Going home without a baby but your body being none the wiser as it produces milk to feed a baby who isn't there. Being extremely emotional and dealing with all sorts of hormonal changes while wondering if you made the right decision. I can't even imagine. We went in fully knowing that this might happen and accepting it ahead of time. But I jumped in and fully committed because I don't know any other way to be. My attorney cautioned us to try not to get too emotionally invested but I don't even know how that's possible...for me anyway. So I'm sure I'll jump in with both feet this time around and get just as invested emotionally as I did last time. I'll just hope for a different outcome.


Let me just say that no matter how well it seems that I'm taking this, I'm not. We got home last night and I fell apart when I walked in the nursery. I'm just taking it 1 day at a time, not assigning blame to anyone, and holding on to the fact that this will end with a son or daughter for my husband and I.

thank you so much for your support!

 

[Skippy123]

IP, great news but I understand taking it one day at a time. keeping you all in my prayers and good thoughts for all of you!