Absolutely NO marriage momentum

[duvalje]

I just found your post and I swear I think we are the same person!

I have been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years and living together for over 1. When he asked me to move in, I KNEW this would happen, so I said that I needed a timeline. He told me he would know within a year. (notice how he gave HIMSELF that timeline)

Well, it''s been a year and guess what?....NOTHING! Everytime I''ve tried to bring it up he says the same thing: he''s not ready and changes the subject. I am extremely frustrated as well. I am 28, but he is only 25, so I know that is part of it. Like you, I want to be married before I am 30, but that''s not going to happen.

After a lot of thinking, I''ve decided that constantly bringing it up and harping on him is making it worse (his parents and our friends actually bug him about it more than I do). he is currently building a house and it will be a while before it is ready, so we will likely have to move in with our parents when we sell our current house until the new one is ready.

I''ve decided that I won''t move back in with him unless I have a ring on my finger, and if there is no proposal by the new year, I''m done. We''ve had the discussion a thousand times and he knows where I stand. So I won''t bring it up any more and leave it at that.

If you find anything that works, let me know!!!

p.s. to make matters worse, his 20 year old sister just got engaged. So I definately won''t be having a wedding until 2008! And we''ve been together longer than they''ve known each other

 

[janinegirly]

i just read the last pieces of this thread, becky, what happened? Is everything back on track? It was a very brave letter and to the point. I hope he responded the way you hoped...

 

[Becky P]

duvalje - Glad to know that I''m not alone on this! This thread has been a huge support to me for the last few months. Although we do not live together, I did move ACROSS THE COUNTRY to be with him, and yet, nothing. I bought a book last weekend called, "Why men marry some women and not others". I have already read it cover to cover twice now. The author basically started this out as a research project to help a friend of his figure out why two of her long-term boyfriends dated her indefinitely claiming that they weren''t ready for marriage and then married the next girl they dated. Very interesting! I''ve learned some important things, and from what the research says, I''m taking the right steps...

janinegirly - I have had NO response to my letter. So, either he didn''t get it, didn''t read it, or is choosing not to talk about it on the phone. He travels a bit for work, so I have not seen him in person. Thursday night we have pasta night at his house and he cooks, so if he hasn''t mentioned it by then, I''m bringing it up. I''ll say, "Did you get the letter I sent?" If he says yes, I''ll just ask if he''s thinking about what I''ve said and if 6 months sounds like a resonable timeframe to him. If he says he didn''t get the letter, I''ll give him a copy right then and there.

Oh, yeah, duvalje, my 21yo brother is marrying his 20yo fiance next July, so I''m out of luck for a wedding til 2008 as well. Plus, I''m helping them plan the wedding - I volunteered of course, because I love dreaming about weddings, but it still hurts to be planning his wedding and not mine.

 

[janinegirly]

sorry to hear becky, but i also didn''t realize you were mailing the letter, so explains the delay in him receiving it and reacting.
don''t get too caught up in those books btw..they are designed to sell and are very general and don''t apply to everyone. I think you''ve been very clear with him with precise dates and examples. I would sit back and let him react or bring it up. I know it''s hard, but men are so different from us that way. They need you to be upfront, but then need space for them to digest and compute the information. And they cannot give you a sense of how long that might be. Maybe give him another week. If you want to be tougher, say you don''t want to meet with him until he''s had time to digest the letter and ready to chat about it all.
And I know how hard it can be to have a younger sibling get serious (been there!), but try to keep it in perspective. Getting married in the early 20''s isn''t the dream situation it may seem like. And it shouldn''t prevent you from your own wedding planning! keep us posted!

 

[Becky P]

Well, I didn''t mail the letter... I actually emailed it - which I know some will probably have a strong reaction against. But, it''s a strategy that''s worked for me in the past. So, I''m pretty positive that he''s seen it - I mean, how could he not - he checks his email daily. And, even if he didn''t check for a day or two... I sent it Saturday afternoon and it''s now lunchtime on Wednesday, he''s seen it by now. I was just expecting him to call as soon as he read it... But, you''re right, boys do need time to process things differently from girls.

And, don''t worry, it hasn''t stopped my from wedding planning one bit! The advantage to helping plan my brother and sister-in-law''s wedding is that I have an excuse to have bridal magazines and invitation samples lying around. I am basically their wedding planner - I am possibly going to start my own wedding planning company, so their wedding is a little bit of a trial run. So, I''ve got a file on my computer with different sections with pics of each topic of things that I like. When he does propose (not if!!!), the wedding will be a breeze to plan! I can''t wait! It''s gonna be so much fun!

Well, as soon as there''s an update, I''ll post it.. hopefully sooner than later. Then, if he agrees to the 6 month timeframe, the real waiting will begin...

 

[firebirdgold]

Something''s been eating or delaying my email randomly lately, so maybe he didn''t get it after all.

 

[janinegirly]

i just assumed you mailed it, but i think email is better (more efficient!). he probably got it and is mulling it over. try to distract yourself in the meantime, because he obviously wants to think it over.
your bro is lucky he has a wedding planner in the family!

 

[duvalje]

Me too, almost every guy I''ve dated has married the next girl he met. I''m starting to get a complex!

I did not move cross country for my boyfriend, but I am staying in Alaska because of him. My advice is to play it cool and to stop appearing as if your future happiness depends on him and his decisions. I''ve realized that I''ve given my boyfriend way too much control over my future. I''ve put my life on hold waiting for him and I can''t do that anymore. I think that perhaps when we give them that control, they feel even more pressure because now the weight of his future decisions and ours on on their shoulders.
I''ve realized that most men want strong, confident women. We have to show them that we are strong and confident and that they''d be missing out on the best thing in their lives if they lost us. So I''m moving forward as I would normally. And if it doesn''t work out, well, maybe he wasn''t the right one, and at least I don''t resent myself for putting my life on hold. I don''t want to think about it that way, but it does help answer the age old question, ''what''s the worst that could happen?''

I''m glad there are other people in the same situation because all my friends are married and they all have the same answer: "it''ll just happen!" Yeah, right, easy for you to say.

 

[Butterflies]

Date: 10/4/2006 2:03:48 PM
Author: duvalje


''what''s the worst that could happen?''

You are absolutely right.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 10/4/2006 9:59:54 AM
Author: Becky P
I bought a book last weekend called, ''Why men marry some women and not others''.

Lol, I bought that too - and gave it to bf as a gift (if front of all our friends!).

Must admit, it made me feel better to know it wasn''t simple for everyone in the days before I found this place.

 

[Becky P]

Date: 10/4/2006 3:33:38 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 10/4/2006 9:59:54 AM
Author: Becky P
I bought a book last weekend called, ''Why men marry some women and not others''.

Lol, I bought that too - and gave it to bf as a gift (if front of all our friends!).

Must admit, it made me feel better to know it wasn''t simple for everyone in the days before I found this place.

I''ve gotta say, I love this book! Althought I agree that most books on relationships or "how to get a man" or whatever are a load of poo, this book I found strikingly truthful, and somewhat humorous. Here''s a few of my favorite excerpts:

"Guidelines for Marry Men Based on Six Statistical Truths
If you wish to marry:
- You must insist on it.
- If you find yourself in a dead-end relationship, move on.
- Love yourself first.
- Commit yourself to the idea of getting married.
- Keep in shape, watch your weight, and take care of your appearance.
- Time can be your worst enemy. Use time wisely in your search for that marrying man."

"Almost a third of the women who were about to marry said that the discussion or argument that convinced their fiance to propose went something like this: ''Marriage is essential to my happiness. If you love me as you claim, you''ll do what it takes to make me happy.''"

"If you want a man to act, while it is not wise to come right out and tell him bluntly, your hints must be broad and your message delivered with the sublety of a sledgehammer. It''s the difference between saying ''I see us married someday'' and ''I see us married by next year''. ''Next year'' frames the statement more concretely, which is what men need."

 

[Pandora II]

I confess to having strictly done "the rules" when we first met - applied properly they save a lot of heartache. But they weren''t much help later on. I found this book so good at making me face up to what I wanted and sticking to it and above all not feeling stupid for wanting a wedding and a ring and all the rest.

Although I don''t have a ring on my finger yet, we are so much further forward than we were 6 weeks ago, so it can be done, Becky- does depend very much on bf''s reasons for not getting on with it though.

 

[Becky P]

Pandora - OMG I totally did the rules too. And, I swore by them, and I think they worked at first, but you get to a point where they don''t I agree. I found the part in the book about what it means when a guy says "I''m not ready" to be particularly relevant. That''s what he''s told me all along. In June 2005, in July 2006... that''s the only reason he''s ever given, so I feel I have reason to hope. I think if a guy isn''t interested in marriage he''ll give lots of excuses and reasons ( $$, family, religion, school, etc. and on and on). But, if a guy is interested, there''s usually just one thing holding him back before he''s ready to commit. I also wonder with him whether it''s the actual marriage part or just the wedding that he''s concerned about. I wonder if I said, let''s elope, if he''d have a very different reaction??? Ah well, Thursday night I should have an actual update...

 

[janinegirly]

becky, so you don''t talk to your bf everyday, or at least by email or have some sort of contact? That seems a bit odd. i would think if a couple is close to marriage they are behaving similar to a married couple too..i hope he reaches out soon!!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/4/2006 4:40:14 PM
Author: Becky P

I found the part in the book about what it means when a guy says ''I''m not ready'' to be particularly relevant. That''s what he''s told me all along. In June 2005, in July 2006... that''s the only reason he''s ever given, so I feel I have reason to hope. I think if a guy isn''t interested in marriage he''ll give lots of excuses and reasons ( $$, family, religion, school, etc. and on and on). But, if a guy is interested, there''s usually just one thing holding him back before he''s ready to commit.

I hate to be the spoiler here, but I find the opposite to be true.

Most guys who truly want to marry are the ones who tend to verbalize what the obstacle is. If he feels he has to buy a house and feel settled first, that''s what he says. "I want to marry, but it''s important to me to have security of a house first."

It''s the guys who don''t give a reason that are more troublesome, for two reasons. If he says "oh, I don''t want to marry until I have more saved", then if/when he DOES have more saved, he''s just lost his excuse for inaction. Being vague avoids that hassle. The other reason is that those who really don''t know what''s holding them back really don''t have a reason (other than general reluctance), but they know that excuse won''t fly.

I hope that''s not the case for anyone here, of course, but something to think about.

 

[Mara]

have you gals read the book ''he''s just not that into you''?

i know that no woman wants to think about that being the case with them and their loved one...but i found it pretty interesting. i totally believe in timing being right and the right PERSON being the one to turn someone''s head to marriage who may not have considered it before or did not ever consider it with the other people they were with before they found the right person.

i firmly believe that if the timing is right, the people are right and they are mentally ready or close to it...then it will happen. the interesting thing about the ''he''s not that into you'' book is that it''s written partially by a guy! he debunks women''s myths and excuses right and left about men not wanting to call, not wanting to live with them, not wanting to be together with them, not wanting to get married, etc etc. in the book he says it REALLY is that simple. they do what they want to do and if they do it with you then they want to be with you. period.

anyway i''m not speaking specifically to anyone really in this thread...or saying that your bf doesn''t want to marry you etc. but i think the book is an interesting read, esp if you are reading the ''why they marry some women and not others'' kinda thing.

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 10/5/2006 12:45:13 AM
Author: Mara
have you gals read the book ''he''s just not that into you''?

My roomie and several sorority sisters love that book. It actually does make some good points that can save people a lot of trouble.

 

[Becky P]

Date: 10/4/2006 4:42:50 PM
Author: janinegirly
becky, so you don''t talk to your bf everyday, or at least by email or have some sort of contact? That seems a bit odd. i would think if a couple is close to marriage they are behaving similar to a married couple too..i hope he reaches out soon!!

Oh, yes, we do talk everyday. He just hasn''t mentioned the email, which I find kind of odd. But, we haven''t seen each other in person since it was sent because he''s been out of town for business. So, I''m kind of assuming that when we have dinner tonight, we''ll talk about it in person. But, we do talk on the phone everyday - he usually calls several times a day - we just haven''t discussed the letter I wrote.

Yes, Mara, I read "He''s just not that into you" a while back. I also love watching that Sex in the City episode that the book is based on. It''s true, if he likes you, he''ll call; if he doesn''t, he won''t.

 

[janinegirly]

ah ok, that makes more sense. I agree it''s strange he hasn''t brought up the email, hopefully he''s seen it! good luck tonight, let us know tomorrow how it goes..

 

[Becky P]

oh, I definitely will!

 

[janinegirly]

and i also re=read your original post more closely..and agree you definitely are owed some kind of specific answer/timelline. You moved to be near him and took a lot of risk in that. It''s not fair to leave you hanging while he says he''s "not sure/not ready".
stay strong, and i hope you''re alot more sure of everything by tomorrow! will be thinking of you tonight!

 

[Becky P]

Well, ladies, the results are in...


So, we had dinner tonight, like usual - he always cooks me pasta on Thursday nights. So, as he was cooking dinner, after I had been there for a bit and he had not brought up the email, I just casually asked if he had checked his email recently. He said, yes he had and that he wasn''t ignoring me, but that he wasn''t ready to respond. I said, that''s fine, we don''t have to have a big conversation about it today, but do you think what I''ve asked you to do is fair? He was like, what do you mean? I said, do you think that 6 months for you to seriously think about the future of this relationship is fair? And, he said, well, I can tell you one thing, "Your future and my future are definitely together." Then, he proceeded to say all sorts of mushy things, I love you, I''m so glad you moved here, You''re the only one I''ve ever seen myself marrying, etc, etc. So, now, I guess the real waiting begins.... We''ll see what the next 6 months brings.... Maybe every month I''ll just ask if he''s still thinking about what I asked him to...

 

[musey]

That sounds like some definite progress! I hope you don''t feel too discouraged without concrete answers. It sounds like the lovey-doviness made up for some of that

Keep us posted!

 

[ladykemma]

"not ready to respond" ?

 

[WTNLVR]

That''s hedgy at best. What is so difficult about a response? It''s not like you were asking for your final answer- and he''s had days to think of a response. Unless he''s going ring shopping to surprise you with a response? Good luck with this.

 

[jaz464]

I am sorry to say that, for me, this does not sound any different than anything else he has said. I would not consider this to be a step in the right direction. I agree, why can''t he just give a response. I understand that some men need time, blah blah, blah, but he is just making this last for as long as he can. I don''t see a proposal any time soon, if ever.

 

[janinegirly]

i agree--the mushy comments are cute/sweet, but you should be more firm with him. You sent him a heartfelt email with direct questions and he''s had days to mull it over. If he is so sure of your future together, he should be able to elaborate more. I mean 6 mo''s to start thinking marriage is not a lot to ask after 4 yrs! You''re in this relationship too and you ARE ready to talk about it, so stand up for yourself too..good luck! I think it ''seems'' promising, but you really need some concrete answers..

 

[Rosebud8506]

I am sorry - but I think you should back off for a little bit... I don''t want this to sound harsh or the wrong way... but guys think different than girls, and he already admitted he sees you and him in the future - the last thing you want to do is pressure him even more, they HATE that. he told you he doesn''t know how to respond... Maybe because he has a plan and doesn''t want it to be spoiled?

I would seriously give him some space, like I said before, maybe he is planning something and he is trying to make you think otherwise? If he is getting pressure from others that added on top can be a lot for a guy to handle - and also, since you have other weddings coming up within your family - maybe he doesn''t see it is right to upstage them and pop the question to you right away? My husband put off proposing to me until after his baby brother''s wedding. Again, it''s just my take on this since.

Just something to think about....

 

[janinegirly]

i am in slight disagreement. I think becky needs something more concrete and THEN she can back off. Saying he sees their future together could mean everything or nothing. He needs to say whether or not he is ready to take the relationship to the next stage and if not, what kind of timeframe he might need. Or something reassuring, not just that he is "not ready" to respond to a very direct email. After she feels they are on the same page, yea she can back off..there''s six months for that to happen!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/5/2006 12:45:13 AM
Author: Mara
have you gals read the book 'he's just not that into you'?


i know that no woman wants to think about that being the case with them and their loved one...but i found it pretty interesting. i totally believe in timing being right and the right PERSON being the one to turn someone's head to marriage who may not have considered it before or did not ever consider it with the other people they were with before they found the right person.


i firmly believe that if the timing is right, the people are right and they are mentally ready or close to it...then it will happen. the interesting thing about the 'he's not that into you' book is that it's written partially by a guy! he debunks women's myths and excuses right and left about men not wanting to call, not wanting to live with them, not wanting to be together with them, not wanting to get married, etc etc. in the book he says it REALLY is that simple. they do what they want to do and if they do it with you then they want to be with you. period.

Amen to that, Mara! I was actually one of 'who did not consider it', period, let alone with the people I was with.

I know that it's typically guys who are pictured as being the marriage-shy ones, but I had no interest, desire, or willingness to consider marriage until I met FF. I was actually a bit of a commitment-phobe until he came along, but we knew basically right away that marriage was in the cards. I didn't believe in Mr. Right, I only believed in Mr. Right For Now. Moreover, I couldn't imagine a man existing out there who I could see myself marrying, and always felt like an alien when my girlfriends chatted about what their 'future husbands' would be like.

And yes, it really IS that simple. Suddenly, the relationship was as easy as a slide, instead of a constant uphill battle!

In someone else's thread, she mentioned that "it shouldn't be this hard" and I firmly agree. If you are having to force things, something's wrong. My mother recently gave me some advice about being forceful (something I have in spades) and I think it applies to relationships too. 'Making an effort is good, but if a door is meant to open, it will, without the need for blood from you beating your head on it."


ETA: FF was in a relationship for four years before he met me, and she was gunning for marriage. He evaded, deflected, and sidestepped the issue. In some ways, he looks like the 'Taxi Man' because he went from being reluctant to get married to hell-bent on making ours happen. Less 'right time', more 'right person'.