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About Snooping...

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Lauren8211

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http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/02/23/lw.snooping.eavesdropping/index.html

(LifeWire) -- Trisha Marcy wasn''t looking for anything in particular when she decided to rummage through her mother''s nightstand drawer in 1986.
Snooping through your partner''s e-mails can be a sign of bigger problems in the relationship, expert says.

Snooping through your partner''s e-mails can be a sign of bigger problems in the relationship, expert says.

But what started as boredom-fueled snooping quickly turned into a life-altering experience for Marcy, who was a high school senior at the time.

"I found paperwork from the County of Los Angeles that showed that I was adopted," says the Eugene, Oregon, woman.

Marcy was "completely devastated" but too terrified to confront her adoptive parents because she didn''t want them to know she''d been poking around their bedroom.

"Part of me was like, ''I''m going to get in so much trouble for being in my mom''s stuff,'' " she says. "It took me a couple days to get up the courage and ask about being adopted."

After the initial shock wore off, Marcy confronted her parents, who confirmed her findings. Fences were mended, hugging ensued -- and Marcy gave up snooping for good, she says.

Whether it''s peering in a party host''s medicine cabinet or peeking at a date''s unopened mail, spying on friends, family and significant others is as common as flu in the winter.

Snooping is a wonderful source of information -- especially if you don''t have "an open, seamless relationship" with someone, says Thomas Merrill, a Peoria, Arizona, clinical psychologist who specializes in adult and parent-child relationships.

And sometimes, it''s a sign of something worse.

Broken trust: Snoop and consequences

Tamara Komuniecki, for instance, gave in to curiosity in 2000 and poked through a live-in boyfriend''s e-mail.

"I opened up Hotmail, which I meant to use to sign in to my account, but instead it went directly to his in-box," says Komuniecki, a writer from Long Beach, California. "An e-mail with the subject line about thong panties caught my eye."

In the message, Komuniecki''s musician boyfriend was flirting with one of his fans.

"He was upstairs taking a nap, so I printed out the e-mail, drew a large question mark across the page with a black Sharpie, and left it on the stairs," says the thirty-somthing Komuniecki. "I was so mad, especially because it was my computer."

When her boyfriend woke up and found the printed email, he was "apologetic but angry that I had ''invaded his privacy,'' " Komuniecki says. Still, the couple forgave and forgot, at least for the time being.

Six months later, after perusing her beau''s in-box again -- and discovering "another salacious" e-mail exchange -- Komuniecki moved out.

A sign of bigger problems

Snooping, Merrill says, can be indicative of larger relationship problems.

"With a partner or a significant other, if you have to snoop, that should be signal No. 1 that there''s something wrong," he says.

Linda Domingo, 22, can attest to that. She was already having problems with her boyfriend of two years when he admitted during an argument that he''d read her private journal, including an entry in which she mused about what might have been with "an old crush."

"It was a total violation of my privacy and my trust," says Domingo, of Irvine, California. "If he had these suspicions, he could have just asked me, and I would have told him the truth. That pretty much ended [the relationship] for me."

Merrill says rifling through a diary or in-box is never a good substitute for talking about relationship woes with your significant other.

If you can''t communicate directly with your partner or get the information you need from him or her, "that''s a relationship problem," he says. "That''s the time to confront the issue, not snoop."

Technology: The ultimate accomplice

Resisting the urge to spy on your sweetie is of course easier says than done, especially when technology makes it so easy. Just ask Rich Savoie, a 29-year-old engineering manager from Boston.

In 2006, Savoie''s then-girlfriend grew jealous over a handful of late-night text messages he received during a two-week period. The messages were from his sister, a security guard on the night shift. But Savoie''s girlfriend never bothered to ask who they were from, he says, so she snooped.

"She felt like a bonehead when she checked my phone covertly and realized the texts were from my sister," he says.

Savoie is hardly alone. A study conducted in 2008 by Virgin Mobile found that a third of Australian cell phone users under age 30 check their partners'' phones on the sly to read their text messages. Of these text-message snoopers, 73 percent "found out things they later wished they hadn''t," and 10 percent were "involved in a breakup as a result."

Before you snoop, know the law

Just because the technology exists doesn''t mean it is legal to use it to spy, says Chris Woodson, a private detective in Newport Beach, California. He offers these guidelines:

• "A good rule of thumb for what''s legal is whatever''s out there in public already," he says. Picking through someone''s curbside trash is OK. Snooping in the backyard, however, is not.

• Opening someone else''s postal mail is never OK. Ditto for hacking into e-mail, text messages or voice mail. However, things get murky when you''re talking about joint property, and laws vary from state to state.

• Minors are the exception to the rule. It''s perfectly legal for parents to monitor their children''s phone calls and online activity.

• In the workplace, privacy goes out the window. Private sector employers have the right to read or listen to any correspondence conducted on their equipment
 

ladypirate

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K and I actually open each other''s mail on a fairly regular basis. It''s not spying, just whoever happens to be home first.

We''ve definitely checked each other''s email as well, especially if we''re on the other person''s computer. A message will come in while he''s using my computer, for example, and he''ll tell me that so and so emailed.

Maybe we just aren''t very private people?
 

ComeFlywMe

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I can''t say I don''t look at my boyfriend''s e-mail. We know each other''s passwords for everything, including bank accounts. If you aren''t hiding something, why not let them know that info?
 

fieryred33143

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Date: 2/23/2009 1:27:02 PM
Author: ladypirate
K and I actually open each other''s mail on a fairly regular basis. It''s not spying, just whoever happens to be home first.

We''ve definitely checked each other''s email as well, especially if we''re on the other person''s computer. A message will come in while he''s using my computer, for example, and he''ll tell me that so and so emailed.

Maybe we just aren''t very private people?
We''re all over each other''s stuff. He checks my emails from time to time because we used to share before he "branched" off. He''ll sometimes send me pictures and say "can you put this picture on my myspace profile?" (he has no idea how to use HTML codes. We listen to each other''s voicemessages...pretty much everything.

But we don''t snoop. We go into each other''s account when the other person is aware of it and always for a reason.

That''s a good article though.
 

Iowa Lizzy

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Very Interesting Article. I definitely agree with certain parts of it.

I am a HORRIBLE snoop. I think I get it from my mother. There was ZERO privacy in my house growing up. When I was in high school, I found a tape, (while snooping through my parents things, of course) played it, and realized my folks had tapped our phone line to listen to my sister''s and my conversations!!! Talk about messed up, huh?

Now, I rarely snoop without telling my SO. I always feel to guilty if I do and immediately fess up. Sometimes, I just really and truly can''t help it. It''s like there''s a battle in my head. Must. Know. Who. Was. Texting. Him. All. Night. Wish I could go to a hypnotist and be cured of my snooping habbits. Or maybe I just need to practice using willpower. Probably the latter, huh?

It''s not so much of a trust thing to me, more of a curiousity thing. I just like to know EVERYTHING.

Tell me I''m not the only one who snoops....
 

Porridge

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Good post ElleDizzy. I always say, look not through the keyhole lest you be vexed. As the article says, confront the issue instead. I wonder though what would happen if one were to confront the issue and felt their partner/friend/parent wasn't being honest. I know of a girl, a friend of a friend who lives in Oz, who couldn't resist looking at phone records which were on a coffee table in her bf's apt. She saw suspicious numbers and times, confronted him, and discovered he liked to ring young girls and broadcast himself masturbating on a webcam to a chatroom! HOW CRAZY IS THAT!?! Needless to say, she ditched him and broke all contact.
 

Lauren8211

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I think access to one another''s accounts or emails is not a big deal, if you''re both consenting to one another that access is acceptable.

FF and I do not share logins of any kind. That''s not to say we''ve never checked each other''s email. I can''t access my email account at work, so if I''m waiting for something, I''ll ask him to login and check.

I''ve never snooped with him, and don''t care to. He feels the same. We don''t limit login and password knowledge because we have something to hide, but because we feel that we are entitled to privacy. That''s just how we are. If I thought he had something to hide, then I''d just bring it up. We trust each other enough to not have to be 100% open about everything. (This isn''t me saying 100% openness is wrong, just not how we prefer to handle it)

I did snoop with an ex, but it was really only to confirm what I already knew. He was cheating, and the email proved it. Now I know if I ever feel a need to snoop with FF, then something is up with me or him.

Doing anything behind your SO''s back that he wouldn''t approve of if he knew it was happening is a violation of trust, IMO.

And Porridge... that is seriously messed up!
 

Lauren8211

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Date: 2/23/2009 1:33:35 PM
Author: Iowa Lizzy
Very Interesting Article. I definitely agree with certain parts of it.

I am a HORRIBLE snoop. I think I get it from my mother. There was ZERO privacy in my house growing up. When I was in high school, I found a tape, (while snooping through my parents things, of course) played it, and realized my folks had tapped our phone line to listen to my sister''s and my conversations!!! Talk about messed up, huh?

Now, I rarely snoop without telling my SO. I always feel to guilty if I do and immediately fess up. Sometimes, I just really and truly can''t help it. It''s like there''s a battle in my head. Must. Know. Who. Was. Texting. Him. All. Night. Wish I could go to a hypnotist and be cured of my snooping habbits. Or maybe I just need to practice using willpower. Probably the latter, huh?

It''s not so much of a trust thing to me, more of a curiousity thing. I just like to know EVERYTHING.

Tell me I''m not the only one who snoops....
LOL, we all have our flaws. Wouldn''t hurt to try and control it, though!


Curious though.. why don''t you just ask who was texting him all night?

That''s what I do. Not because I''m worried about it being his hot stripper girlfriend sending questionable texts, but just because I like to know, just like you!

I wonder if that''s bad. I can''t not know who he is on the phone with. I MUST know. I try and not ask, but I can''t help it. I''m a weirdo.
 

sammyj

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Date: 2/23/2009 1:56:31 PM
Author: elledizzy5
I think access to one another''s accounts or emails is not a big deal, if you''re both consenting to one another that access is acceptable.

FF and I do not share logins of any kind. That''s not to say we''ve never checked each other''s email. I can''t access my email account at work, so if I''m waiting for something, I''ll ask him to login and check.

I''ve never snooped with him, and don''t care to. He feels the same. We don''t limit login and password knowledge because we have something to hide, but because we feel that we are entitled to privacy. That''s just how we are. If I thought he had something to hide, then I''d just bring it up. We trust each other enough to not have to be 100% open about everything. (This isn''t me saying 100% openness is wrong, just not how we prefer to handle it)

I did snoop with an ex, but it was really only to confirm what I already knew. He was cheating, and the email proved it. Now I know if I ever feel a need to snoop with FF, then something is up with me or him.

Doing anything behind your SO''s back that he wouldn''t approve of if he knew it was happening is a violation of trust, IMO.

And Porridge... that is seriously messed up!
elle, my BF and I are much the same. Actually, he has full access to all of my bank accounts / credit card info (he does my budget), as well as my main e-mail which I have asked him to check many times. The only thing he doesn''t have access to is my work e-mail for client confidentiality reasons (they''d sue my pants off!). I could have access to his email if I wanted to (I just turn on his computer) and I know the password to his iphone. I just don''t feel the need to snoop. If I''m really interested in something, I''ll ask him. Otherwise, he has never given me any reason to not trust him.

With that said, I used to snoop on my sisters ALL THE FREAKIN'' TIME!!! I was extremely nosy and we weren''t very close growing up although we were close enough in age that our social groups sometimes crossed. I needed the inside scoop! Now that I''m an adult and we live separate lives from each other, I don''t have the snooping urge anymore. (so Iowa Lizzy, don''t feel bad!)
 

tlh

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Snooping is just one of the outfits insecurity wears.
 

Porridge

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Date: 2/23/2009 1:56:31 PM
Author: elledizzy5

And Porridge... that is seriously messed up!
I KNOW! I swear, I was mildly suspicious of EVERYONE for about a week after hearing that story!
 

tlh

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I worked as an adjuster for an insurance company in a former life....
seriously, I heard some dude listening to p*rn as I was RECORDING his statement and he was clearly masturbating. I still took the statement, but I felt gross afterwards. Played the tape for my SUP and demanded a raise.
 

trillionaire

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I think snooping CAN be bad, but most of the chickies on here flirt with snooping because they are going totally insane with engagement excitement. I think that is a little different than insecurity and relationship issues, and if "girl time" and "guy time" were even remotely in the same realm, I don't think it would even happen. It's like looking for your X-mas presents... fairly innocent, and all because of your excitement! I'm not justifying snooping, but I do think that there are different levels of offense. If SO was snooping around my apt for his gift, I would think it was cute and funny, worse case scenario, obnoxious. If he was auditing my emails and phone logs because he thought I was cheating on him, I would feel violated.

ETA: and we can demonize snooping, but it usually happens for a reason. If you ARE dating someone who is not trustworthy and lies to you, maybe you would have no way to prove that you weren't crazy and imagining things if you didn't snoop. We take for granted that people have good intentions all the time. Snooping, while not a good thing, could provide you with grounds for divorce, evidence need to prosecute someone for various reason, or information that you need to keep your self safe because the other person is into 'risky behaviors'. Snooping, though not idea, can be a really important resource in certain situations.
 

Lauren8211

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Date: 2/23/2009 4:09:22 PM
Author: trillionaire
I think snooping CAN be bad, but most of the chickies on here flirt with snooping because they are going totally insane with engagement excitement. I think that is a little different than insecurity and relationship issues, and if ''girl time'' and ''guy time'' were even remotely in the same realm, I don''t think it would even happen. It''s like looking for your X-mas presents... fairly innocent, and all because of your excitement! I''m not justifying snooping, but I do think that there are different levels of offense. If SO was snooping around my apt for his gift, I would think it was cute and funny, worse case scenario, obnoxious. If he was auditing my emails and phone logs because he thought I was cheating on him, I would feel violated.
Definitely agree, Trill.

While I don''t necessarily agree with engagement-oriented snooping.. it''s just excitement and anticipation inspired, as opposed to suspicion and insecurity.

Email, phone logs, banking info, etc. That is off limits, IMO.
 

Winks_Elf

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ROTF!
Ewe, how nasty for you!

I never snooped in my ex''s mail or phone, and I probably SHOULD have!
FF and I already agree not to look at each other''s mail unless we ask each other to. There''s no reason for it, and if we don''t trust each we shouldn''t get married. Plain and simple.
 

tlh

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Date: 2/23/2009 4:09:22 PM
Author: trillionaire
I think snooping CAN be bad, but most of the chickies on here flirt with snooping because they are going totally insane with engagement excitement. I think that is a little different than insecurity and relationship issues, and if ''girl time'' and ''guy time'' were even remotely in the same realm, I don''t think it would even happen. It''s like looking for your X-mas presents... fairly innocent, and all because of your excitement! I''m not justifying snooping, but I do think that there are different levels of offense. If SO was snooping around my apt for his gift, I would think it was cute and funny, worse case scenario, obnoxious. If he was auditing my emails and phone logs because he thought I was cheating on him, I would feel violated.
Trill you said it right on. There are different levels of snooping... I think the snooper honestly knows what kind of snooping they are participating in... but honestly... I was guilty of snooping for the ring. I went into our hall closet, felt my DH''s winter coat... squeezed the pockets... and nothing. Then I stopped. I was sure it was going to happen soon. I just was. After I did that I said, what if I found the ring? That would honestly be horrible for me, to know there was something in the house that I COULDNT wear and SHOULDNT know about. So i stopped snooping. Good thing I did... they were in the storage with his winter sweaters... so I know my man pretty well too.
 

sammyj

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Date: 2/23/2009 4:09:22 PM
Author: trillionaire
I think snooping CAN be bad, but most of the chickies on here flirt with snooping because they are going totally insane with engagement excitement. I think that is a little different than insecurity and relationship issues, and if ''girl time'' and ''guy time'' were even remotely in the same realm, I don''t think it would even happen. It''s like looking for your X-mas presents... fairly innocent, and all because of your excitement! I''m not justifying snooping, but I do think that there are different levels of offense. If SO was snooping around my apt for his gift, I would think it was cute and funny, worse case scenario, obnoxious. If he was auditing my emails and phone logs because he thought I was cheating on him, I would feel violated.
I couldn''t agree more. I shake, smell, and totally feel up my Christmas presents when they''re under the tree (although I don''t search around the house for them). It''s definitely a form of snooping and it''s entirely spurred by innocent curiosity and it has nothing to do with trust. I also have a very guilty conscience though, so if any innocent snooping revealed significant information that I was NOT supposed to know, I''d feel absoultely terrible about it...and that''s how I think I''m able to control any urges.

I don''t think we''re demonizing snooping in any way, I think the main message would be if you''re going to snoop, be prepared to be hurt, disappointed, shocked, feel guilty, etc. because you''re coming across information that you''re obviously not supposed to know in the first place - good or bad.
 

Dreamgirl

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Date: 2/23/2009 4:26:25 PM
Author: sammyj
I shake, smell, and totally feel up my Christmas presents when they''re under the tree (although I don''t search around the house for them). It''s definitely a form of snooping and it''s entirely spurred by innocent curiosity and it has nothing to do with trust. I also have a very guilty conscience though, so if any innocent snooping revealed significant information that I was NOT supposed to know, I''d feel absoultely terrible about it...and that''s how I think I''m able to control any urges.
lol this is SOOOOOOOOOOOO me!!! I just can''t help myself. And then if I figure out what the gift is, I feel all sad and guilty that I looked.
Oh, and I don''t always ''snoop'' into the presents but I often try to poke clues out of people and then take it from there like a mini-investigator and then I''ll usually put 2+2 together and I always figure out what it is.....I HATE when I do that!
I''m so bad....
 

ice-queen

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style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 113px">Date: 2/23/2009 1:33:35 PM
Author: Iowa Lizzy

When I was in high school, I found a tape, (while snooping through my parents things, of course) played it, and realized my folks had tapped our phone line to listen to my sister's and my conversations!!! Talk about messed up, huh?
Iowa Lizzy: OMG, my mother used to do this too! I couldn't believe it when I read this because I really thought I was the only one with parents nutty enough to do this, lol! Looking back, I think it backfired on them though...because having the feeling of constantly being spied on made me rensentful and caused me to hide things from them even more. I guess it's the classic scenario where the more you try to control someone, the more they will pull away from you and rebel.
 
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