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A word of warning

Discussion in 'Ladies in Waiting' started by CatLady, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. CatLady
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    by CatLady » Mar 6, 2010
    Hello, I used to post in this forum about two years ago. I was a Lady in Waiting, had a commitment phobic boyfriend, but I patiently gave him time to "work on himself". We were together for 5 years in total, a year and a half was long distance, and living together before and after this long distance period.

    The marriage issue caused us to break up two times during our relationship. The first time was two years ago. He claimed that he needed time to work on himself. Ha, he didn''t do crap. Then I gave him an ultimatum which he did not follow through with. I stopped speaking to him (break up number 2) and lo and behold, a month later he finally proposed. This was 21 months ago.

    So, I was pretty pleased with myself, had a huge rock on my finger and a permagrin on my face, but soon the signs of trouble were back. The commitment issues were looming. We were still long distance at this time, so I thought that we would wait until he moved back to start planning the wedding. There were signs for sure, from the very beginning that he wasn''t serious.

    #1 - The night we got engaged, I sent out a mass text telling everyone I knew that I was engaged. He didn''t tell a soul. His brother noticed that my status on facebook had changed to ''engaged'' and sent him a message asking him about it. It took him a week to respond and tell his brother. About a month after we were ''engaged'' we went out to dinner with one of his friends who was also recently engaged. Said friend was talking about wedding planning, etc. My ''fiance'' said not a word about our engagement. Friend noticed my ring and asked if we were engaged. ''Fiance'' said yes. FRIEND sent an email out to all of the other friends announcing our engagement. ''Fiance'' said that he thought that it was funny.

    #2 - ''Fiance'' was not interested in any aspects of wedding planning. We had talked about having a destination wedding, so I was contacting hotels and wedding planners. I printed off the application for the marriage license about four months before the date that we had set and asked him to fill it out. He would not do so, claiming that there was no need to do it in advance as it didn''t need to be done until a month before the actual date. Meanwhile, I have my family breathing down my back asking questions "When are you getting married, blah blah". My grandmother joined facebook and weekly commented on my wall - "Are you still getting married". This was about a year ago.

    #3 - We had a huge blowout fight over the marriage application. He said that he NEEDED MORE TIME TO WORK ON HIMSELF and started seeing a counselor. He went to the counselor two or three times and quit going. He changed the date to August. August came and he said that he was just too busy with work. He was traveling a lot so I guess I tricked myself into believing that it was a valid excuse. I was in denial because I just didn''t want to go through all of the trouble of breaking things off. He started spoiling me, which I now see was just a giant manipulation to buy more time. He bought me a puppy, Kate Spade purses, a Tissot watch and took me on numerous trips over the last few months. I was complacent, but pretty much had started to mentally prepare myself for the breakup. Over Thanksgiving and Christmas I made lame excuses to avoid seeing my family because I couldn''t deal with the questions.

    Finally, about a month and a half ago, we got back from one of the trips he took me on. For my 29th birthday. That''s right, ladies, I''m a dinosaur, and met up with some friends. I have a habit of texting him little notes when we are out with other people. We had gone on several really great vacations and were getting along pretty well. I said "When are you ever going to marry me?". He responded with "I''M JUST NOT READY TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH YOU." That''s pretty funny, considering I''m wearing a giant diamond on my finger and we have been living together, doing everything together and basically SHARING A LIFE TOGETHER. That little text message was the straw that broke this camel''s back. I was done. Two days later I went out and met a guy whose wife had kicked him out that very day and guess what, I boned him. We did it all night and again in the morning, all while my pathetic ex ''fiance'' was blowing up my phone.

    He started calling all of my friends crying every night and for some reason two of them took his side. They said they felt bad for him because he was so sad. My best friend of 16 years threw me under the bus and told him that I slept with someone else. I''m not going to lie, I was secretly pleased at how much this hurt him, but I really did not want him to know, as he started stalking this guy and driving by his house. He went nuts. He printed off all of this crap about getting married in Mexico, said that he would marry me the next day if I wanted. He started writing me poetry, tried to take me to the Virgin Islands but I denied all of his requests. He cried, saying he didn''t want to be this pathetic, single, 30 year old guy hitting on girls at bars... (well, we could have been married).

    Of course, it''s all about him. It seems like the hurt and humiliation he has caused me over the years means nothing to him. He is going around telling people that I CHEATED ON HIM and that is why we broke up. I never cheated on him the entire time we were together, I never wanted to. I wanted to marry him and I wasn''t even attracted to or interested in another person for the majority of our relationship.

    Anyway, this short story ended up being a novel. I just felt like sharing. Don''t listen to what they say, ladies. Pay attention to the way that they act. He continually reassured me that he was going to marry me, but he was full of crap. Now I''m a single 29 year old woman in a crappy one bedroom apartment, with a high energy dog I can barely take care of, who destroys everything, who has to go on horrible match . com dates, and is sitting at home drinking boxed wine on a Saturday night. I don''t have any cats, but I might as well just start collecting them. I''m sure it''s only a matter of time before I''m that lady on Hoarders, wearing an adult diaper, tying myself to one of those hospital toilets only to have the rope break and almost die because I''m trapped in the filth.
     
    


    


  2. jcarlylew
    Ideal_Rock

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    by jcarlylew » Mar 6, 2010
    I am sorry to hear that you have gone through such a difficult time, and I sincerly hope that you find someone that is ready and right for you.
    I like to think of this board as a supportive enviorment for everyone going to positive and difficult times alike, and hope that you too can find the right outlet that will help you through this as well.
     
  3. FrekeChild
    Super_Ideal_Rock

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    by FrekeChild » Mar 6, 2010
    Hi CL.

    I have to admit I caught myself cracking a smile at some of your post. Not because it was amusing, but because you are such a great storyteller.

    Aside from that, I''m sorry you''ve gone through what you have, but I don''t believe for a minute that you are going to be that lady on Hoarders, wearing an adult diaper, tying yourself to one of those hospital toilets only to have the rope break and almost die because you''re trapped in the filth.

    You are far too intelligent for that.

    I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you decide to stick around. You sound like a a fantastic woman. [​IMG]
     
  4. Indylady
    Ideal_Rock

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    by Indylady » Mar 6, 2010
    Good luck to you CL! You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I am also impressed to see your sense shine through a difficult post. We''re here if you need anyone to talk to![​IMG]
     
    


    


  5. hawaiianorangetree
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    by hawaiianorangetree » Mar 6, 2010
    Wow!! that is quite the story and you are quite the story teller!! [​IMG] I have to agree with Freke, there''s no way you are going to end up an ''old lady hoarder''!!
     
  6. oddoneout
    Ideal_Rock

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    by oddoneout » Mar 7, 2010
    Wow that''s a lot of crap you had to deal with. Kudos to you for being strong through it. Don''t worry about finding someone. Enjoy your alone time and someone will eventually come along.
     
  7. sugarpie honeybun
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    by sugarpie honeybun » Mar 7, 2010
    Collecting cats and drinking from a box o'' wine isn''t so bad, really. [​IMG]

    Joking aside, thanks for sharing your story!
     
  8. iheartscience
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    by iheartscience » Mar 7, 2010
    I want to come over and drink some boxed wine with you because you sound pretty awesome. I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that, but being a cat lady sounds better than being married to him. Good luck...hopefully you'll find someone who appreciates you and isn't a commitment-phobic child.

    I never get when guys like your ex say they're not ready to commit to sharing their life with someone. I've seen it several times in LIW and it seems to always come from guys who have been living with their long term girlfriends (sometimes even in a house they bought together) for several years.

    I hope you tell everyone who thinks you broke up because you "cheated" on him that even though you were supposedly engaged he couldn't bring himself to tell his own family or fill out a marriage license application. Pathetic.
     
  9. lucyandroger
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by lucyandroger » Mar 7, 2010
    It''s apparent from just this one post that you are a confident, intelligent, witty woman. At least now you know the signs and can weed through the guys on match pretty easily. One of my best friends just got engaged a week before her 30th birthday to a guy she met on match. Good luck, Catlady!
     
  10. jewelz617
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by jewelz617 » Mar 7, 2010
    I'm just going on a vibe here, but I think you're going to be just fine.

    You are obviously a funny and intelligent person and you deserve better than a wishy washy dude who thinks he can buy off your affection with all talk and no action.

    "He cried, saying he didn't want to be this pathetic, single, 30 year old guy hitting on girls at bars..."
    Gee, what a nice reason to want to spend your life with someone

    [​IMG]
     
    


    


  11. Erin
    Ideal_Rock

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    by Erin » Mar 8, 2010
    Please don''t call yourself a dinosaur. I was in the same shoes you were in at 29 - getting out of a similar committment-phobe relationship. Guess what. I met the most wonderful man 6 months after that and he had the same issue. Wasted three more years. I''ll be 35 this summer.

    Learn the signs. Figure out UP FRONT what kind of questions you''re going to ask these Match guys that will help you not go through this again. The signs were all there right? You would never fall for this crap twice right? Make damn sure of it!
     
  12. Hudson_Hawk
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    by Hudson_Hawk » Mar 8, 2010
    Wait. I''m 29, will be 30 in less than a month. I''m a dinosaur??? Can I be a Veloceraptor?


    Good luck hun, it sounds like you went through a lot and are a stronger woman now for it.
     
  13. Lauren8211
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    by Lauren8211 » Mar 8, 2010
    I thought you were a pregosaurus rex?
     
  14. Hudson_Hawk
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    by Hudson_Hawk » Mar 8, 2010
    Hahaha good point!
     
  15. Nomsdeplume
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    by Nomsdeplume » Mar 8, 2010
    Awesome post, because I think it happens a lot, but we just want to be in denial about it.
    You don''t need a man!! You sound pretty damn AWESOME all by yourself.
     
    


    


  16. Strawdermangrl
    Brilliant_Rock
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    by Strawdermangrl » Mar 8, 2010
    Thank everything above that you DIDN''T marry said loser. Rock on with your badself, you have too much to offer and will find someone that will make you melt. Trust me, based on your personality that is flying out of your post- you have NOTHING to worry about. No cats. No ma''am.
     
  17. Erin
    Ideal_Rock

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    by Erin » Mar 8, 2010
    Nice to see you again Straw!
     
  18. LaurenThePartier
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    by LaurenThePartier » Mar 8, 2010
    While reading your post, I chuckled because with the combination of your screen name and your all-out personality, you turned what must have been a trying time for you into a great story for other LIWs.

    I think your personality screams through your post and I imagine you''ll be just fine. [​IMG]
     
  19. HollyS
    Ideal_Rock

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    by HollyS » Mar 8, 2010
    I'm afraid that you had me until the last paragraph - - about being a Hoarder trapped in your own filth - - just because you aren't - - what - - married??????

    I got a good laugh from that. Yeah, I did. You see, I met my Mr. Right at age 35. And married him at age 48.


    First, no one at 29 is over the hill. Dried up. Done for. Maiden aunt material. Destined for a Grey Gardens existence. Not even you.

    Second, you can't meet your real husband-to-be right now because you're not over the hurt and humiliation from Mr. Wonderful. So just relax and give yourself some time to recover. Get rid of the puppy if you don't want it. For goodness sakes, buy something decent to drink and dump that boxed wine along with the relationship. Patron Silver tequila will do just fine.

    Third, tell your friends and family the truth, and to hell with everyone else. Be an adult, act like you took the matter in hand by dumping his ass (which you did), and don't over explain, over apologize, over dramatize, or over lament this relationship. After all, you knew it was going to happen, you said you knew it was going to happen, and you anticipated it happening month after month. So here it is. . . the done deal. You had to let go before you could move ahead, right?

    Fourth, get off your couch. Go do something for yourself. Make plans for you. You deserve better than to be stuck with someone who did not 'love you enough'.

    Fifth, stop boning people you just met. Seriously. Stop.

    Now, go kick your inner bride-wanna-be in the butt. And tell her you want a better would-be-groom next time. Tell her you're willing to wait for the best.

    [​IMG]
     
  20. verypatientlywaiting
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    by verypatientlywaiting » Mar 8, 2010
    I agree with everyone on here--you sound like a great catch & you''ll do just fine without that loser!
     
  21. Strawdermangrl
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    by Strawdermangrl » Mar 8, 2010
    Aww...nice to be back, SP!! :) [​IMG]
     
  22. HVVS
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by HVVS » Mar 8, 2010
    My reaction to that man would have been pocket the ring, then do exactly what you did, and give 'em all a big beaming Beauty Contestant smile anytime the monotony, er, I mean monogamy issue is raised, and politely correct the person: "No, no. I cheated on him AFTER he broke up with me, so it doesn't even count." [​IMG]

    And it could have been worse: You could have married that POS. I never even met the man I married until I was 32. I married him at age 36, against my better judgement. And he was not worth a d**m b/c he kept getting himself fired from every job he ever had, until he finally landed a state government job that a monkey could do (mostly answer phones and direct traffic), and a 7-hour loafday was all that was required. Before we divorced, he ran up what was definitely well over $40k in credit card debts alone. But the judge assigned it all to him, WOOHOO! All in all, I found marriage to be a complete and total boring PITA waste of time. Just think: YOU ESCAPED THAT!

    Seriously, some guys are just not worth having *even* if they are the last ones on Earth. He can go flake off on someone else for years and years.
     
  23. CatLady
    Rough_Rock

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    by CatLady » Mar 8, 2010
    I''m doing great, the wine was Black Box (not Franzia). I''ve been casually dating a few guys (but only boning the one, Holly, don''t worry). Am going on a girl''s trip to Chicago this weekend, I''ve cut the toxic friends out of my life, I''ve been going running with my dog, looking for houses to move into. I went shopping today and bought MYSELF a purse. I''m thinking about selling my engagement ring and going on a trip somewhere by myself, but have found that you can''t sell those rings for a fraction of what you pay for them. Geez, what a scam these diamond prices are. I keep pressuring all of the guys I know who are in relationships to hurry up and propose so that they will buy my damn ring.

    People at work are saying that I look happier than I have in a long time, and I feel at peace. Sometimes I''m scared of becoming a hoarder, but I''m actually quite neat and hate the smell of cat pee. Also, I imagine that all of those adult diapers get pretty expensive, and I don''t know how to tie knots so the rope would probably snap the first night before the filth was bad enough to swallow me up. Maybe I''ll just be an Aunt Jackie or Aunt Rachel who always crashes my sister''s family dinners. So be it. A marriage to that guy (if he could have ever been forced to actually go through with it) would have been incredibly lonely, probably causing me to start popping pills, swigging straight vodka from the bottle and ending up on Intervention. Either way, I am probably going to end up as a character on an A&E reality show, or a cheesy ABC Family sitcom, but I''m fine with that.
     
  24. Porridge
    Ideal_Rock

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    by Porridge » Mar 8, 2010
    You are friggin hilarious CatLady [​IMG]

    From one who knows, dumping that wrong-for-you guy leads to great things. You are nowhere near too old for anything. Thank god you're not wasting more time with him though! Oh, and welcome back!
     
  25. Tuckins1
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    by Tuckins1 » Mar 8, 2010
    Hey, i''m so glad to hear that you have gotten rid of him and moved on. Good for you for not letting him guilt you into staying with him. I wouldn''t even hate you if you DID cheat on him. He reminds me so much of my ex, I swear they could be the same person. (Except he was pretty much poor and never bought me a damn thing.) You are so right- you can say more with your actions than you ever can with your words.
     
  26. RaiKai
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    by RaiKai » Mar 8, 2010
    No way should you be bumming about being 29 and single. Believe me, as another poster said, leaving this relationship will open up wonderful avenues. I left a long term common-law relationship (4 years together) as we were clearly going in different directions.

    I was about one month shy of my 29th birthday. I moved out of the home we had owned together and found a fabulous, quirky studio apartment on the top floor of an ancient home and brought my bunny rabbit (yes, my bunny rabbit) along. It was great fun. I was about to start my third year of law school (I went back to school at 27). I had tremendous fun dating (and laughing at the horrible dates!), spending time by myself and feeling free and so "light" after what had turned into an emotionally difficult relationship (not that he is a bad guy, by any means, it takes two and we parted on good terms).

    A few months later, I met a wonderful man on...e-harmony! He had similarly ended a long term common-law relationship of four years where he had been *this close* to getting engaged about a year prior, sold his home, and was planning a major career change by taking an early retirement from his military career to go back to school. He was 34 at the time we met. From the start, it was unlike any relationship I had before. Here was a man who actually openly talked about his feelings, his thoughts, who sought me out to talk to me about my own feelings and thoughts, a man who was emotionally aware and emotionally intelligent. We had both done our own explorations with counseling by that point, and were ready to continue that exploration.

    A few months later, after he left the military and I graduated, we decided to pack up and move to another province. I found a fabulous new job as a lawyer, and he enjoyed some freedom before starting school up again a few months ago. In October, we decided to get married (and he was eager to tell everyone and extremely excited about it), and ten weeks after that, we were married.

    We live (and rent!)a two-bedroom apartment (with a yard and double garage) and could not be happier renting (despite people wondering why we enjoy it - I tell you, it is such low stress to rent!)! We love where we live - both in respect of the apartment, the city and the part of the country we live in. We both love the outdoors (hiking, running, camping) and it is great for that. I enjoy my job greatly, and my husband is in school studying for his new career (to be determined!). I admit, I never quite imagined I would be the breadwinner (if and when we do have children he would also be the one to probably stay home in the early years) however I LOVE it. I appreciate greatly his work around the house (he cleans, cooks, etc) and I love being able to work at something I enjoy and come home to a clean apartment ;-) We are greatly enjoying greatly being carefree thirty-somethings together for the time being (as carefree as can be with jobs and bills at least!), but also feel quite comfortable being committed in marriage both now and in the future together and enjoy knowing we are in this together whatever may come (be it children, travel, old age, successes, trials and tribulations, etc!).

    And my husband still talks to me...all the time. I confess, there are times I just want to watch football however it is very rewarding and I would not change it for anything. I can easily remember being in a relationship where it felt like I was banging against a brick wall to even know how his darn day went, never mind what he felt about our relationship and feeling lost as to what our future together held.

    I feel INCREDIBLY blessed to have met my husband (and vice versa) and NONE of it would have happened if I had not decided that it was time to take care of myself and leave that last relationship. It was difficult, and sure I thought "wow, I never thought I would be starting over again at 29!" but I am SO glad I did!

    Phew, that was long, and rather self-promoting, but I guess I just want to say that new doors really open when you close the old ones. And, it might not be at ALL what you expect, and right now you might think that you are at the "bottom", but keep yourself open to life and you will get more than you could have ever expected.

    Good luck!
     
  27. babycush
    Shiny_Rock
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    by babycush » Mar 8, 2010
    Have you looked into the website IDoNowIDont.com? I don''t have any personal experience with them but they seem pretty reputable.

    Good luck to you on your new adventure! It sounds like you are having a blast already.
     
  28. galeteia
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by galeteia » Mar 8, 2010
    As far as I see it, he broke off the engagement. Ergo, it is only cheating if you were still together, and he''s the one who broke it off, so there was no cheating, just a vengeful rebounding courtesy of someone else''s mattress. Mattress are very bouncy, what better option for a rebound?

    Unless, of course, your dear friends who got all scarlet letter''d up in yo face feel that it was appropriate for you to stay with him, to endure not being wanted, and wait in genteel silence until your wifely virtues of cooking, cleaning, and attending to his manly needs convinced him to change his mind? If so, I hope they were among the toxic purge you mentioned above, because that sort of garbage just has to go.

    Heh, I am still laughing over his approach to win you back: because he didn''t "want to be this pathetic, single, 30 year old guy hitting on girls at bars." Was he shocked that you didn''t swoon into his arms after such heartfelt words of love and commitment?
     
  29. ksinger
    Ideal_Rock

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    by ksinger » Mar 10, 2010
    Catlady,

    I was giggling a lot just like Holly. (And that is something, as some of you know) Not at your pain, which is clearly very real, but really, she and I both know that your love life is hardly over at 29, just because you lost 180+ lbs of dead weight. I met Mr. Right at 16, and married him at 46, with some interesting detours like another marriage in the middle. I guess the point is, life doesn''t usually go according to your plans, but it always has the possibility of something new and great. The Mr. Right that shows up when you''re truly at peace with however your life goes - meaning you are truly content with yourself and your own company - will be THE Mr. Right. You''ll know it because the whole relationship will "flow", just like the last one didn''t. Look at it this way, you really WILL know the difference now, and love that guy all the more because you''ve known the counterfeit.

    You''ve got the right sense of humor down, and one day, you''ll still laugh but without grinding your teeth and without the bitterness. Best to you. You''re gonna do just fine, really.
     
  30. canuk-gal
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    by canuk-gal » Mar 10, 2010
    HI:

    Boning?[​IMG] Isn''t that something you do with a chicken?

    cheers--Sharon
     
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