A very frustrating RSVP situation

[SAPHIRINA]

Hi ladies,

I have generally been very easy-going about the planning thus far, but one particular RSVP situation has truly got me mad. Here's what happened in a nutshell.

I sent a college friend an invitation. We have lived in different states ever since graduation, but have kept up via emails, chat, etc. very consistently. Even though we don't see each other often at all, we are definitely more than casual friends - we discuss problems, share laughs, and so on. She told me even before invites went out that she is not sure, if she will be able to make it. I told her that I'd love to have her there, but would understand, if it doesn't work out. Weeks go on, I send out the invitations with a very generous deadline. The deadline (about two weeks ago) has come and gone, and I still didn't get the RSVP from her. So, I sent her a message on Facebook, asking what her decision is and if she sent out the RSVP. Then I called her; she didn't pick up, so I left a message. I got no response. Nothing at all. No response to my messages, no RSVP in the mail. Meanwhile, I see that she is very active on Facebook, updating her status and chatting it up with friends. Oh, and when I tried chatting with her, she either wouldn't reply, or log off soon after.

Today, I finally caught up with her via chat and asked if she got the invitation. She said yes, but she probably won't be able to make it. I replied something along the lines of "ok, wish you could have made it", to which she answered "me too; when is it?". At this point, I was fuming! Really? You are supposed to be my friend, we talked about this numerous times, I sent you the invitation with the wedding date clearly printed, you didn't even bother sending back the RSVP, and now you ask me when is it?

I am so mad and frustrated with her right now! Do you think I'm overreacting? What would you do in this situation? Keep being friends as if nothing happened?

Thank you for letting me vent!

 

[zoebartlett]

I don't think you'll get anywhere trying to tak to her about your frustrations, although if I was in your situation, I'd probably say something anyway. She was rude to ignore your invitation, and then even more so to casually ask when your wedding is, as if it was the first time she had heard about it. Clearly, your wedding isn't important to this girl and you have every right to be hurt.

 

[kelpie]

You aren't overreacting. People like her must think they are avoiding being rude or an awkward situation by declining, but it is so rude not too! I also have several close people who have not replied and my wedding is in 2 weeks. I did not expect my wedding would cause me to lose friends but it did, I had a bridesmaid RSVP "No" so of course her best friend RSVPd "No" as well (we hadn't had a fight or anything). These were people that had been so excited and opinionated about the wedding details and not care to drive the 70 miles to watch me get married. I'm sorry it's happened to you.

 

[sillyberry]

Is your friend normally a dingbat? I know some people who would give this kind of response just because they are totally clueless people, but I love them anyway and so I would roll my eyes and let it slide. Others, however, I would recognize that this behavior demonstrated a total and utter lack of consideration and might have to face the idea that we just aren't as close as I thought. You'll just have to think about what kind of person she is.

I'm really sorry - I would be very hurt and frustrated, too.

 

[vc10um]

Is your friend normally a dingbat? I know some people who would give this kind of response just because they are totally clueless people, but I love them anyway and so I would roll my eyes and let it slide. Others, however, I would recognize that this behavior demonstrated a total and utter lack of consideration and might have to face the idea that we just aren't as close as I thought. You'll just have to think about what kind of person she is.

I'm really sorry - I would be very hurt and frustrated, too.

SB:

 

[FuturePsyD]

WOW, how frustrating! IMO, it is totally justified that you are hurt and upset by her thoughtless actions.

One idea that popped into my head was, do you think this friend may be jealous? Is she married, single, engaged...? I am not married yet, but I have had many of my friends purposely skip out on mutual friends' weddings simply because they were jealous, single, dateless, etc. and felt uncomfortable attending the weddings. I do have a bf, but since I am unwed, they felt quite comfortable sharing their feelings of jealousy as one of the main reasons they skipped out on all these weddings.
It just appears that she wants to make it appear that your wedding is SO unimportant to her that she "forgot the date" "forgot to RSVP" and on top of it has been avoiding you? I don't think its all a coincidence. It just seems there are some negative emotions she is feeling that are associated to your wedding.

If she is happily married/engaged, then it just appears she isn't as good of a friend as you may have hoped.

Either way...UGH!

 

[bobbin]

Honestly I think it is rude for her not to RSVP and to return your calls.

However, as far as her asking about the date - one of my bridesmaids asks me the date of the wedding almost every time we talk about it! I know that it is important to her, but honestly, she is just so busy that she just forgets things that are not an immediate priority in her life. I don't get offended by this, I just remind her of it every time!

Is there anything happening in her life right now? I would be annoyed by it, but I wouldn't be at the stage where I would cut off a friendship because of this.

 

[swingirl]

In my mind if someone doesn't return the RSVP it's as good as them saying, "no thanks". So by hunting her down for an answer, which you must have already known was a "no", you put yourself in the position to be hurt and offended. She obviously got the invitation, got the phone message, got the email. What were you hoping to accomplish by pursuing an answer? You must have known that she wasn't coming, wasn't responding and was trying to avoid telling you a flat out NO.

From now on if you don't get a returned RSVP that says YES, you should assume it's a NO.

Until people plan their own wedding many don't realize the etiquette of an RSVP.

 

[SAPHIRINA]

Hi everyone,

Thank you very much for your replies! I appreciate your thoughts and support very much. A few clarifications/answers:

sillyberry - Your question made me giggle! No, she is not normally a dingbat. In fact, she's the complete opposite, which is why I was surprised and upset by what happened. I truly did not expect this from her. It's not even that she never returned the RSVP, but that she avoided me completely for over two weeks while I tried to contact her.

FuturePsyD - She is, in fact, single, and has had horrible luck with relationship over the past years. We have spent many a nights talking about the jerks she has encountered. About a year ago, she met a real tool and was depressed for months after he left her. The jealousy angle didn't cross my mind, mostly because I truly hate the stereotype that single women are jealous of those who are in a relationship/engaged/married. But, it does happen, and it is possible in this case, I have to admit. I don't even know which explanation I'd prefer. I definitely don't want her to be in a place where she feels jealousy towards me or anyone, for that matter. On the other hand, her odd behavior could mean that she simply doesn't value our friendship as much as I thought she did. Both explanations hurt.

bobbin - The story about your bridesmaid made me smile My main issue with this situation is that she not only didn't return the RSVP, but also avoided me for over two weeks. The forgetting of the date just added to my frustration, but definitely wasn't the main issue I have with her.

swingirl - I agree with you on the RSVP bit - if someone doesn't return the RSVP, I figure it's a "no". We actually had that happen with about 10 invitations on G's side. Those who didn't reply were all distant relatives and/or friends and we sent them invitations simply to appease his parents. We pretty much expected them to not come, and so neither of us was hurt or upset over not hearing back. However, the situation with my friend is very different. Maybe I didn't make it clear in my original post, but we are very close friends, albeit being long-distance. Prior to the invitation situation, we have spoken almost nightly for at least 30 minutes at a time, sometimes more. As the deadline for the RSVPs approached, she went MIA. We went from talking nightly, to not talking at all and very obviously avoiding me. It's like the "friends" switch was turned off and we were not longer old friends. I did not hound her for an answer - I contacted her a total of three times; once on Facebook, once on the phone and once through chat in the span of two weeks. If I did not see her chatting away with others on Facebook, I would have been seriously worried that something had happened. Knowledge of RSVP etiquette is not really the issue here. I am more concerned with how she has acted when I tried to communicate with her.


Thanks again for your input, ladies! I am not really sure how to deal with this situation. The RSVP doesn't really matter to me as much as the fact that my close friend ignored me for over two weeks. I have been there for her numerous times in the past, and it makes me sad that she would completely stop talking to me for weeks and then act like nothing had happened.

 

[merbear1215]

I agree you have a right to be upset, and a right to seek out a response.

I disagree that just because you have not heard back and she has not responded to your attempts at communication that it means a "no."

In all likelihood, it does mean no. But what if she sent the RSVP and it never got to you? Or she didn't get your message for some reason (this has happened to me). But most importantly, I think it is dangerous to assume people are saying no if you just haven't heard anything because it would be very stressful to you, on the day of, if they show up and there is no food for them/no place cards/no place to put them etc.

I already know there are several people we are going to have to hunt down to get an answer after RSVP's are due....but I totally plan to do it!

 

[swingirl]

Most venues plan for a certain percentage of people above or below the final count. So it's not like someone will show up and there will be no food for them. But this friend is obviously avoiding contact because she is embarrassed that she's not attending the wedding and she doesn't want to be confronted about her reason.

 

[monarch64]

In my mind if someone doesn't return the RSVP it's as good as them saying, "no thanks". So by hunting her down for an answer, which you must have already known was a "no", you put yourself in the position to be hurt and offended. She obviously got the invitation, got the phone message, got the email. What were you hoping to accomplish by pursuing an answer? You must have known that she wasn't coming, wasn't responding and was trying to avoid telling you a flat out NO.

From now on if you don't get a returned RSVP that says YES, you should assume it's a NO.

Until people plan their own wedding many don't realize the etiquette of an RSVP.

Totally agree!

I'm sorry this happened to you...but honestly from your first post it sounded to me like she didn't think she wanted to attend your wedding (for whatever reason, it doesn't matter), and well...there you go.

I don't think this is a question of "losing friends." I think it's a question of friends being in different places and whether you both can accept those terms...I hope you don't totally dismiss her as your friend forever, and I hope she doesn't do the same. Sometimes people are just in different places in life, really. I don't think she means any harm. Still, it sucks, and it's a tough pill to swallow that a good friend doesn't want to be part of your very important day. But you can get past that. Life is more than weddings, I assure you. Best of luck to you with EVERYTHING.