A true test of your relationship?

[monarch64]

Date: 7/21/2009 2:21:32 PM
Author: Black Jade
I don''t think you ever really HAVE to stay with anybody, in terms of not having options if you leave. Maybe I am naive, but I would think that for most people there''s some friend or relative they could stay with, while they got on their feet.

However, I DO think that once you''re married physical safety is the only acceptable reason to leave. Everything else can be worked out (and I''ve known cases where there were physical safety issues and the abuser got counselling/changed and the spouse went back and they''re now happy. Not just one case, either).

When I was young, everytime me and hubby had a fight (and we had plenty of them) I''d pack and say I was gone. I''d even put the suitcase in the car and drive around for a while sometimes (before coming back). I was very immature. The one time that I seriously did call my parents though and say that I was coming home my father, who loved me dearly, said, ''You''re married now; you can''t come home. Work it out with your husband.'' And he hung the receiver up. That was the best advice I ever got. Once I had one baby, I could see that it was detrimental to put the kids through the ''I''m leaving'' bit and pack them up (I know I should have been able to see that this was detrimental before, but I didn''t. Too many women''s lib type classes and profs in college and graduate school, I think--I was very hung up on my ''rights'' and on ''being a strong woman'' in those days and not committed enough to ''us as a couple''.) After I had kids, I left only once, and it was over something pretty big. However, I came back after an overnight stay somewhere (not at my parent''s house) and we worked it out. My husband was plenty scared by what he had done (he was wrong that time, that''s all I''ll say) and there were a lot of changes after that, some quick, some gradual.

Years later I heard somewhere that there was some study and they interviewed people who were in successfull second marriages and something like 90% of them said, that had they tried as hard with the first spouse, they''d still be with them. This was an eye-opener for me. and since then, I''ve seen things, a lot of cases, where someone left what was clearly a problematic spouse--whether an adulterer, or a drug addict or whatever (pretty serious things)--and ended up with someone of exactly the same stripe, because even though to be an adulterer or a drug addict is a real problem, there are quite often problems in the people who marry them that make them seek out exactly the same thing the next time and the next. And they are not going to stop doing this kind of choosing without some real introspection and probably some couselling Which they often do not get. so what happens, especially if there are children, is that the poor child is dragged through perhaps a couple or perhaps three divorces and if not that, maybe some unmarried relationships of the parent, and custody battles and this and that that are often as bad or worse than living with the adulterous or even drug addict parent (often these issues weren''t affecting the children, just the spouse) and there''s all this turmoil for the child with the parent that keeps getting remarried not finding ''happiness'' either. And it easily becomes a generational thing, because then the child grows up having no idea how to be in a stable relationship. This is not always the case, but it happens quite often, especially with the parent(s) being in denial, which OFTEN happens. Everyone I know who is divorced and has children can always tell you at length why their children weren''t affected by it, or are actually more mature and better off, but I have only seen one case where the children also thought that was true.

So I''m not in favor of leaving, especially once there are children, even when things seem very bad--Things can seem very bad and still, with time and work, get better. And I think it shows more strength as in ''I''m a strong woman'' a lot of the time to stay and work at it. When you say ''for better or for worse'' you usually have no idea what ''worse'' will be like. But then ''better'' comes again. I think that that''s why this is in the traditional vows.

As for winning the lottery...
first me and my husband would pray, not jsut to give thanks, but for wisdom what to do with it. Then we''d talk to a financial advisor to see what best to do to lessen the tax bite and make the money LAST. (99% of lottery winners are broke within 5 years--and we''re talking multi-million $$$ winners here). i don''t actually know that he''d want to leave his job. he likes to have something to do. But certainly it would be nice to replenish the 401K and options would increase for a pleasant retirement and so forth. However, I think we''ll probably be able to manage just fine without winning the lottery, even though its a downtime--the economy is kind of like a long-lasting marriage in that way--It goes up and it goes down and the wisest people don''t panic and ''bail out''.

Your entire post baffles me. And quite honestly, it scares me to think that there are women out there who think as long as an abusive person gets some counseling and shows a little remorse that the marriage should be saved. I respect your opinions, you''re entitled to them, but I wholeheartedly disagree. Not trying to start a debate/argument, just stating my thoughts.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 7/21/2009 11:43:32 AM
Author: D&T
I can leave anytime and be fine on my own and still be able to support my kids, I am the breadwinner in the family for the time being. I did not marry DH for money - believe me, DH has no money (his Dad or should I say grandma does - and it will trickle down) but I would not leave because I love him, regardless. We''ve had several big blow ups, and I mean very BAD blow ups where I was about to file for divorce - called a few places too, but he was just sooooo committed, had he not been as committed to making it work we''d not be together now. My MIL has a friend that stays in a marriage, where they are more like room mates (its a messed up relationship especially for the kids involved) they have an open relationship the Friend has a boyfriend and so does the dad has a girlfriend (mistress - not sure what to call it when they are still married, but have a steady partner)

but they are still married. The friend says that its basically for the money that she stays in the relationship, the husband knows it.

are they Asian??

 

[radiantquest]

Yup, I know that I would. I wouldn''t be able to wait to buy him stuff.