A true test of your relationship?

[Samantha Red]

My DH and I got into a stupid arguement the other night and I stomped off into the spare bedroom thinking lots of malicious thoughts. One of which was trying to work out how I could get myself somewhere to live and disappear (I get very irrational at 2 in the morning). However as I lay there I thought about it and realised the only way to do this would be if I won the lottery and that got me thinking. If we won the lottery would I stay with my man and the answer was a resounding yes! I know a fair number of couples that stay together for economic reasons, which makes me so sad. My question is this, would you stay if you didn''t have to, and had the means to leave?

 

[FrekeChild]

If I wanted to leave, nothing would make me stay. And if I won the lottery, FI would be getting loads of nice presents.

 

[SparkleSparkle]

Hmm... since he lives with me in my condo, leaving is not really an option; however, if we won the lottery, I think we''d both be leaving here to get a bigger place!

 

[atroop711]

if I wanted to leave I''d be out the door. If I were 20 yr old I would probably stay ( I was a ppl pleaser back then) but with time and maturity, I learned that you never settle, never let them treat you badly and never stay for the wrong reasons.

 

[whitby_2773]

if i won the lottery, i''d stay. but i''d make tim quit his job so he could be with me aaaalllll the TIME! yay!

....which would probably send *him* batty - but i''d LOVE it!

on a serious note tho - i understand women staying with husbands they don''t love for financial security. it''s a lot to ask of someone to strike out on their own with no resources at what may be middle age or older. especially since the money they''d be giving up is so often their own and has been hard earned over many years. i think a lot of women not in ideal marriages would tolerate a degree of discomfort and unhappiness before leaving. but everyone has a limit, and most people would leave if the marriage passed that point.

case in point, tho, of women who should leave but seem to stay for the money - all those politicians'' wives who ''stand by their man'' when it becomes apparent their husbands have been screwing everything in a skirt. i can understand trying to make it work, i really can. but the way the husbands have the ability to make them come out in public and STAND NEXT TO THEM at press conferences in a show of support while their hearts must be breaking and they must be as embarrassed as all get out says they''re caught over the money barrel.

not good. not good for self esteem, not good as an example to our daughters, not good for women in general. not good.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 7/21/2009 4:08:06 AM
Author: FrekeChild
If I wanted to leave, nothing would make me stay. And if I won the lottery, FI would be getting loads of nice presents.

What she said.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 7/21/2009 8:43:08 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 7/21/2009 4:08:06 AM
Author: FrekeChild
If I wanted to leave, nothing would make me stay. And if I won the lottery, FI would be getting loads of nice presents.

What she said.

What they said.

Honestly, if we won the lottery, we''d travel, and spend more time together, and it would be fabulous.

 

[Dannielle]

I am with Whitby, I would try and convince FI to quit his job so we could spend all our time together

Oh, travelling around the world, much shopping, eatting out and drinking cocktails..... *daydreams*

 

[Tuckins1]

Would I stay if I won the lottery? Of course! I love my angel! However... If I was truly unhappy (for whatever reason), I would leave. Period. I have a great family and if I needed to leave, even if I had ZERO money, they would help me until I could be back on my feet.

 

[CNOS128]

We always fantasize about what we''d do if we won the lottery (not that we ever buy tickets...). The thought never occurred to me that my husband wouldn''t be in the picture. I can''t even imagine leaving him!

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/21/2009 9:29:42 AM
Author: Dannielle
I am with Whitby, I would try and convince FI to quit his job so we could spend all our time together

Oh, travelling around the world, much shopping, eatting out and drinking cocktails..... *daydreams*

That sounds *perfect*!

 

[Haven]

If we won the lottery, I would stay exactly where I am so I could spend *all* my time with my husband. However, he'd probably end up hanging out with Whitby's husband talking about how we were driving them both batty!

I'm with the other ladies--if I wanted to leave, I'd leave.

We had one discussion about marriage before we were engaged (we had been dating only 2 years at the time) in which we agreed that when the time was right and we decided to marry, we would always think of our relationship in terms of "forever" and never in terms of "maybe this could end."

We knew too many couples who divorced (and the number has grown considerably since that conversation) that we had to have a very real conversation about what the commitment of marriage meant to us, and how we would make sure to honor that commitment. I have some friends who say things along the lines of "maybe we're not right for each other" or "I guess you want a divorce, huh?" either to their husbands or to themselves when things get heated. DH and I decided to banish that possibility from *our* reality, and that we weren't ready to get married until we could honor that. So, I've never even thought about being apart from my DH because of divorce, because that concept is not even a possibility in my world.

 

[D&T]

I can leave anytime and be fine on my own and still be able to support my kids, I am the breadwinner in the family for the time being. I did not marry DH for money - believe me, DH has no money (his Dad or should I say grandma does - and it will trickle down) but I would not leave because I love him, regardless. We''ve had several big blow ups, and I mean very BAD blow ups where I was about to file for divorce - called a few places too, but he was just sooooo committed, had he not been as committed to making it work we''d not be together now. My MIL has a friend that stays in a marriage, where they are more like room mates (its a messed up relationship especially for the kids involved) they have an open relationship the Friend has a boyfriend and so does the dad has a girlfriend (mistress - not sure what to call it when they are still married, but have a steady partner)

but they are still married. The friend says that its basically for the money that she stays in the relationship, the husband knows it.

 

[monarch64]

If I had won the lottery when I was with my ex, I would still have left. I waited a couple years in the first place because I knew I''d be making a lot of lifestyle sacrifices in leaving...

 

[ficklefaye]

oh, staying with FI has never been for financial reasons, i''ve always made more, if we won the lottery, we''d probably finally buy a house and travel more

 

[tigian]

If I wanted to leave, I would leave. If we won the lottery, we would be as happy with eachother as we are now.

 

[HollyS]

????

I would hope no one goes into any relationship for money, or because they need someone to help with the bills, or because they don''t have ''enough'' on their own, or because they feel the need for a Sugar Daddy or Mommy. Or stays for any of the same reasons.

I know it happens, but it isn''t love. And that makes it a bogus relationship.

 

[Gypsy]

Yes, of course. He's the other half of me. When I think of winning the lottery the first thing I think of is all the things we can do TOGETHER. I can't even explain how much I love him. And if I wanted to leave, I would. Money wouldn't play into it.

The "true" test.... Our first memorable one happened... God 6 years ago. It was a bad night. We weren't arguing or fighting, which was why it was heartbreaking. We just some fundamental beliefs that were diametrically opposed and we couldn't find common ground. At all. And it was really hard. We tried to pursuade each other to our points of view... but they were both RIGHT points of view. And we sat there, holding each other, wondering where to go from there. And the logical thing to do seemed to be to walk away. And we tried. But we couldn't. So we talked some more. And some more. Until the sun came up over the ocean (we were at the beach at night when this happened) and we found some resolutions we could both live with. By each compromising just ENOUGH to make it work, but staying fundamentally true or beliefs. Because it was worth it.

But honey, there are always 'true tests'... every day, every week, every month. You have to be vigiliant always and keep in mind that just because you've gotten through bad or tough stuff in the past, doesn't mean life won't throw you something new and exciting tomorrow. It's always a... I don't want to say struggle, because that's not the word at all. It's always an challenge being in a relationship with someone over a long period of time, sometimes it's things ourside your relationship putting pressure on you, and that can unite or divide you... and sometimes it's things within your relationship... and again unite or divide. The challenge is the chose the path to unity without compromising yourself and your individuality entirely, or forcing the other person to do so.

Hope that makes sense.

 

[whitby_2773]

Date: 7/21/2009 1:33:28 PM
Author: Gypsy
Yes, of course. He''s the other half of me. When I think of winning the lottery the first thing I think of is all the things we can do TOGETHER. I can''t even explain how much I love him. And if I wanted to leave, I would. Money wouldn''t play into it.


The ''true'' test.... Our first memorable one happened... God 6 years ago. It was a bad night. We weren''t arguing or fighting, which was why it was heartbreaking. We just some fundamental beliefs that were diametrically opposed and we couldn''t find common ground. At all. And it was really hard. We tried to pursuade each other to our points of view... but they were both RIGHT points of view. And we sat there, holding each other, wondering where to go from there. And the logical thing to do seemed to be to walk away. And we tried. But we couldn''t. So we talked some more. And some more. Until the sun came up over the ocean (we were at the beach at night when this happened) and we found some resolutions we could both live with. By each compromising just ENOUGH to make it work, but staying fundamentally true or beliefs. Because it was worth it.


But honey, there are always ''true tests''... every day, every week, every month. You have to be vigiliant always and keep in mind that just because you''ve gotten through bad or tough stuff in the past, doesn''t mean life won''t throw you something new and exciting tomorrow. It''s always a... I don''t want to say struggle, because that''s not the word at all. It''s always an challenge being in a relationship with someone over a long period of time, sometimes it''s things ourside your relationship putting pressure on you, and that can unite or divide you... and sometimes it''s things within your relationship... and again unite or divide. The challenge is the chose the path to unity without compromising yourself and your individuality entirely, or forcing the other person to do so.


Hope that makes sense.

gypsy -

just had to say - i loved this post and can''t imagine the fundamental dichotomy of marriage expressed better. and i hope you''re on PS expressing your opinion for many years to come.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/21/2009 1:33:28 PM
Author: Gypsy
Yes, of course. He''s the other half of me. When I think of winning the lottery the first thing I think of is all the things we can do TOGETHER. I can''t even explain how much I love him. And if I wanted to leave, I would. Money wouldn''t play into it.

The ''true'' test.... Our first memorable one happened... God 6 years ago. It was a bad night. We weren''t arguing or fighting, which was why it was heartbreaking. We just some fundamental beliefs that were diametrically opposed and we couldn''t find common ground. At all. And it was really hard. We tried to pursuade each other to our points of view... but they were both RIGHT points of view. And we sat there, holding each other, wondering where to go from there. And the logical thing to do seemed to be to walk away. And we tried. But we couldn''t. So we talked some more. And some more. Until the sun came up over the ocean (we were at the beach at night when this happened) and we found some resolutions we could both live with. By each compromising just ENOUGH to make it work, but staying fundamentally true or beliefs. Because it was worth it.

But honey, there are always ''true tests''... every day, every week, every month. You have to be vigiliant always and keep in mind that just because you''ve gotten through bad or tough stuff in the past, doesn''t mean life won''t throw you something new and exciting tomorrow. It''s always a... I don''t want to say struggle, because that''s not the word at all. It''s always an challenge being in a relationship with someone over a long period of time, sometimes it''s things ourside your relationship putting pressure on you, and that can unite or divide you... and sometimes it''s things within your relationship... and again unite or divide. The challenge is the chose the path to unity without compromising yourself and your individuality entirely, or forcing the other person to do so.

Hope that makes sense.

I''m finding some place to save this post, Gypsy. I really love it, thank you for posting it.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 7/21/2009 1:54:46 PM
Author: whitby_2773

Date: 7/21/2009 1:33:28 PM
Author: Gypsy
Yes, of course. He's the other half of me. When I think of winning the lottery the first thing I think of is all the things we can do TOGETHER. I can't even explain how much I love him. And if I wanted to leave, I would. Money wouldn't play into it.


The 'true' test.... Our first memorable one happened... God 6 years ago. It was a bad night. We weren't arguing or fighting, which was why it was heartbreaking. We just some fundamental beliefs that were diametrically opposed and we couldn't find common ground. At all. And it was really hard. We tried to pursuade each other to our points of view... but they were both RIGHT points of view. And we sat there, holding each other, wondering where to go from there. And the logical thing to do seemed to be to walk away. And we tried. But we couldn't. So we talked some more. And some more. Until the sun came up over the ocean (we were at the beach at night when this happened) and we found some resolutions we could both live with. By each compromising just ENOUGH to make it work, but staying fundamentally true or beliefs. Because it was worth it.


But honey, there are always 'true tests'... every day, every week, every month. You have to be vigiliant always and keep in mind that just because you've gotten through bad or tough stuff in the past, doesn't mean life won't throw you something new and exciting tomorrow. It's always a... I don't want to say struggle, because that's not the word at all. It's always an challenge being in a relationship with someone over a long period of time, sometimes it's things ourside your relationship putting pressure on you, and that can unite or divide you... and sometimes it's things within your relationship... and again unite or divide. The challenge is the chose the path to unity without compromising yourself and your individuality entirely, or forcing the other person to do so.


Hope that makes sense.

gypsy -

just had to say - i loved this post and can't imagine the fundamental dichotomy of marriage expressed better. and i hope you're on PS expressing your opinion for many years to come.

Thank you Whitby. To be frank, when I was researching readings etc. for our ceremony there were a few that expressed that sentiment and it stood out for me and etched themselves in my mind. So I'm just paraphrasing other much more wise and learned individuals. But regardless, that was the truth that spoke to me and matched with my own experiences, and so... yes, it's the basis for the advice I gave. Whether that makes me a plagarist or wise... lol, depends on your viewpoint. But thank you honey. I do plan to stick around, I like this place. It's AWESOME (tee hee, sorry, that's gonna stick with me for a while too.)

Thank you Princess. If you want I can try to find the readings that inspired that post. I know one of them is "Union" by Robert F (can't spell his name) but you should be able to do a search for it. But there were two more as well... one that specifically mentioned chosing the path to unity in times of trouble, and I can't rememeber which is way right now. Will look if you want though honey.

 

[princesss]

I''ve read "Union" and loved it, and if you have time to look up that other reading I''d appreciate it, but there''s no rush. I find there is rarely anything written that matches the way I view my relationship. There''s a lot out there about the beginning and the butterflies in the stomach kind of romance, but less about the day-in, day-out act of choosing to be there and truly being present in the moment with your partner. I told BF a long time ago that I wasn''t looking for somebody who''d be there when things are sunshine and daisies, I was looking for a partner who would be down in the ditches with me, helping me get out of them (and preferably helping me laugh along the way). And I think it takes getting through the rough stuff and finding ways to compromise and keep your commitments to yourself and your partner that make the relationship sweeter.

 

[Gypsy]

That''s a very smart thing Princess. I told John something similar. I told him that the grand gestures at special occassions, or whatever... those don''t mean as much to me as the day to day kindness and consideration. And that without the day to day the grand gestures don''t mean anything... that they are hollow.

I''ll have to look through our ceremony. I think it was somewhere in there. I have a hard copy of it. Will check.

 

[Black Jade]

I don''t think you ever really HAVE to stay with anybody, in terms of not having options if you leave. Maybe I am naive, but I would think that for most people there''s some friend or relative they could stay with, while they got on their feet.

However, I DO think that once you''re married physical safety is the only acceptable reason to leave. Everything else can be worked out (and I''ve known cases where there were physical safety issues and the abuser got counselling/changed and the spouse went back and they''re now happy. Not just one case, either).

When I was young, everytime me and hubby had a fight (and we had plenty of them) I''d pack and say I was gone. I''d even put the suitcase in the car and drive around for a while sometimes (before coming back). I was very immature. The one time that I seriously did call my parents though and say that I was coming home my father, who loved me dearly, said, "You''re married now; you can''t come home. Work it out with your husband." And he hung the receiver up. That was the best advice I ever got. Once I had one baby, I could see that it was detrimental to put the kids through the "I''m leaving" bit and pack them up (I know I should have been able to see that this was detrimental before, but I didn''t. Too many women''s lib type classes and profs in college and graduate school, I think--I was very hung up on my ''rights'' and on ''being a strong woman'' in those days and not committed enough to ''us as a couple''.) After I had kids, I left only once, and it was over something pretty big. However, I came back after an overnight stay somewhere (not at my parent''s house) and we worked it out. My husband was plenty scared by what he had done (he was wrong that time, that''s all I''ll say) and there were a lot of changes after that, some quick, some gradual.

Years later I heard somewhere that there was some study and they interviewed people who were in successfull second marriages and something like 90% of them said, that had they tried as hard with the first spouse, they''d still be with them. This was an eye-opener for me. and since then, I''ve seen things, a lot of cases, where someone left what was clearly a problematic spouse--whether an adulterer, or a drug addict or whatever (pretty serious things)--and ended up with someone of exactly the same stripe, because even though to be an adulterer or a drug addict is a real problem, there are quite often problems in the people who marry them that make them seek out exactly the same thing the next time and the next. And they are not going to stop doing this kind of choosing without some real introspection and probably some couselling Which they often do not get. so what happens, especially if there are children, is that the poor child is dragged through perhaps a couple or perhaps three divorces and if not that, maybe some unmarried relationships of the parent, and custody battles and this and that that are often as bad or worse than living with the adulterous or even drug addict parent (often these issues weren''t affecting the children, just the spouse) and there''s all this turmoil for the child with the parent that keeps getting remarried not finding ''happiness'' either. And it easily becomes a generational thing, because then the child grows up having no idea how to be in a stable relationship. This is not always the case, but it happens quite often, especially with the parent(s) being in denial, which OFTEN happens. Everyone I know who is divorced and has children can always tell you at length why their children weren''t affected by it, or are actually more mature and better off, but I have only seen one case where the children also thought that was true.

So I''m not in favor of leaving, especially once there are children, even when things seem very bad--Things can seem very bad and still, with time and work, get better. And I think it shows more strength as in "I''m a strong woman" a lot of the time to stay and work at it. When you say ''for better or for worse'' you usually have no idea what ''worse'' will be like. But then ''better'' comes again. I think that that''s why this is in the traditional vows.

As for winning the lottery...
first me and my husband would pray, not jsut to give thanks, but for wisdom what to do with it. Then we''d talk to a financial advisor to see what best to do to lessen the tax bite and make the money LAST. (99% of lottery winners are broke within 5 years--and we''re talking multi-million $$$ winners here). i don''t actually know that he''d want to leave his job. he likes to have something to do. But certainly it would be nice to replenish the 401K and options would increase for a pleasant retirement and so forth. However, I think we''ll probably be able to manage just fine without winning the lottery, even though its a downtime--the economy is kind of like a long-lasting marriage in that way--It goes up and it goes down and the wisest people don''t panic and ''bail out''.

 

[whitby_2773]

Date: 7/21/2009 2:01:42 PM
Author: Gypsy
Thank you Whitby. To be frank, when I was researching readings etc. for our ceremony there were a few that expressed that sentiment and it stood out for me and etched themselves in my mind. So I''m just paraphrasing other much more wise and learned individuals. But regardless, that was the truth that spoke to me and matched with my own experiences, and so... yes, it''s the basis for the advice I gave. Whether that makes me a plagarist or wise... lol, depends on your viewpoint. But thank you honey. I do plan to stick around, I like this place. It''s AWESOME (tee hee, sorry, that''s gonna stick with me for a while too.)

laughing here...

ok - now you''re killing me...

(i need the ''falling on its own sword emotie'')

 

[butterfly 17]

If I was really unhappy and thought we would not be able to work out our differences, I would leave, regardless of how much we had, make, etc.

 

[Gypsy]

Princess:



This isn't one we used, or the one I was looking for. But I read it. And liked it. I've highlighted the part about being individuals in a union. The whole reading seemed to fit what you were saying about your viewpoint.

The Art of a Good Marriage by Wilferd Arlan Peterson

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the Art of Marriage: The little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say ’I love you’ at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry.It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have wings of an angel. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding room for the things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.


Now that I think about it-- that part about paths to unity and division and chosing unity, might have been something our officiant (John's uncle) added as his personal experience-- because there was a section where he included personal reflections. Not sure though. Will check
(threadjack over)


Whitby

 

[kittybean]

If I won the lottery, DH and I would be spending a lot more time together

. I would make him quit his job so we could spend all our time doing fun things together. It would be amazing. Even if I had tons and tons of money, I would never dream of leaving!

 

[Lilac]

I remember the first time DH (then boyfriend) and I had a fight. We had been dating for a while already and we started to argue about something. He started crying and I asked why. He said he didn''t want us to break up and I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he thought everything was going so well and couldn''t believe we might break up now. I almost laughed - not at him, but just at the very idea of breaking up because of a fight or an argument. The idea of breaking up never even occurred to me! We had a long conversation and I explained to him that just because we were having a disagreement didn''t mean we had to break up over it! It was like a lightbulb went off in his head when I said this - he had never been in a relationship before (neither had I) so we were learning it all together. After that we had a long conversation discussing the issues we had been arguing over and we ended feeling closer than ever before.

In the almost 5 years since we started dating, we have argued, disagreed, and fought. Not a lot, but there definitely have been times it''s happened. Sometimes they''re small fights, sometimes they''re big ones. But neither of us has ever once even mentioned breaking up, or worse, getting divorced. It''s just not even a concept in our minds for us to consider (I do understand for some people it''s necessary - my parents are even divorced so I know sometimes people just realize they are not compatible - but for us it''s just not something we would even consider.) We got married to be partners. For *life*. We love each other, and we didn''t get married with any illusions that it would be easy. Marriage is not easy, it involves hard work and compromise! Sometimes we''re going to argue about things! But it''s ok because in the end we know we love each other too much to EVER want to be without one another. He is my husband, my best friend, and my partner in life.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I would never for money. If I wanted to be gone, I''d be so gone.