A Thread for Those Caring for Aging Parents etc.

[VRBeauty]

I know I'm not the only one.

I love my father and I'm very grateful that he's still with us.

But... there are times when it all seems to be too much.

I'm sure I'm not the only one. There used to be a thread for those caring for their aging parents, grandparents, etc. but that was quite a while ago, so I thought I'd start a new one and see what happens.

So here goes...

 

[VRBeauty]

My mother died over a year ago, and she was sick (dealing with colon cancer and the effects of chemotherapy) for a year or so before that.

My father used to be an engineer but he relied on my mother for all things logistic and communications-related. He's 86. Now that he's alone, that stuff falls to me and my brothers. My two remaining brothers are 9 & 10 years younger than me and paying for college for their kids etc. I retired two years ago... so I'm in the best position to spend time with my father, and my brothers also have come to depend on me for that. It's a long story, for another day.

My father does still pay his own bills. I know his finances are on the edge now that the cushion provided by my mother's (tiny) pension and social security have disappeared. I had prepared an income vs outgo spreadsheet about a year ago, but the announcement that there will not be a social security increase next year, and knowing that several household expenses (utilities etc) have gone up or will soon, I decided to update it with recent data. (Actually, I created a cash flow-type summary for 2015 to date). It showed that my father is starting to dip into his relatively meager savings... I showed him the summary.

The next day I delved into his VISA statements so I could fill in some expense specifics. I found about $300 per month going to businesses I didn't recognize...

It turns out my father, who spends a lot of time on his computer, is very susceptible to internet come-ons. He was paying for e-books ("how to grow hair naturally" and that ilk), and "health" newsletters that are designed to sell you stuff. He had ordered "free samples" that came with automatic subscriptions. These "supplements" cost him anywhere from $80 to $130 a month each - and the capsules were so large that he couldn't swallow them!

He didn't know how to deal with it on his own (and he's very, very hard of hearing, so just calling the company is not an option for him) and apparently he was too embarrassed about his predicament to ask one of us kids for help.

I spent the better part of an afternoon canceling subscriptions and arranging for refunds... He's going to get about $300 refunded to his Visa account, which is great, even though it's less only a small part of what he's paid out for these sham products and services. Now to make sure he doesn't fall into these traps again...

 

[CJ2008]

OMG VRBeauty thank you for starting this thread.

I have not even started caring for them and I am already overwhelmed and not able to sleep some nights.

Their money is running out quickly, they are in their late 70s (young) and DH and I are not where *we* want to be financially - we have so much we need to do for us with the little money we have...and I'm...scared.

My mother has been susceptible to getting things sold to her too - a very expensive "internet protection" subscription (got their money back just like you, spending a better part of the afternoon) and other similar things...one time a hospital wanted to (wrongly) charge them over $800 for a hospital room that should have been covered. That was an ordeal - but I ended up getting their money back.

Starting to think about Estate Planning, and Medicaid should they ever need it...that's confusing and overwhelming all on its own.

Plus they're old school and kind of "hate" lawyers - so I know it will be a struggle to get them to see it's important to set up some documents...especially when they're not cheap.

 

[momhappy]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, VR.
I think about my aging parents - and my aging MIL/FIL - and wonder what will become of them, who will care for them, etc. My parents don't have the resources to have the ability to care for themselves and none of my siblings have the resources either. I worry that it will be solely my responsibility. My in-laws at least have retirement plans, money, etc., so I don't feel quite so uneasy about their future. It's certainly scary and I'm glad that you started this thread because I'm sure that there are plenty of members here that could use the support.

 

[VRBeauty]

The frustrating thing is that when we were consolidating accounts etc. after my mother died, we found about $100 per month is sham charges on her VISA card - also things she probably bought once, not realizing they started "subscriptions." My mother had previously watched the family's finances like a hawk, but no longer did so as her illness progressed. My father accompanied me when I went to the bank to see what could be done about it - we ended up getting refunds for a small portion of the charges) charges refunded. I had sort of assumed that he was learning from that experience and wouldn't fall into the same trap.

Much to my chagrin, I didn't learn my lesson from that experience. I should NOT have made that assumption, and I SHOULD have been checking his VISA statement every month - privacy be damned!

 

[diamondringlover]

I am right there with ya all....my mom is 75, my dad died 5 years ago..mom has done very well up until about the last year..we started noticing her doing and saying strange things, well we finally got her to a neurologist and they tell me she has brain damage due to smoking when she was younger and high blood pressure...not sure I buy all that..but there are other issues I don't think the doctor knows about like how much booze she drinks and her excessive ambien use and the fact that my biological dad use to use her head as a punching bag (the dad that died 5 years ago is my step dad..but he is my real dad in my mind)...anyway we are going to get an appt with the dr. and talk to him with her not there. She does have all her finance's in order and I have a pretty firm grip on her accounts..but I worry as she gets older and her brain deteriorates more what happens then, I work 10 hour days and I have at least 10 years till retirement and I live 30 minutes from her. My older sister does not work but she has been recently diagnosed with brain seizures (scares me thinking about both of these issue could effect me) and her hubby said every month that goes by she is getting worse...she is not allowed to drive...my younger sister has health issues and hasn't driven in years and she lives almost 2 hours away....so it is all gonna fall on me..I am terrified of the unknown and I really have no one to turn to.

I am so saddened by it all...I feel better putting it in writing and thanks for reading.

 

[missy]

I just want to pop in and say my heart goes out to all of you taking care of your aging parents.

My parents were in a similar situation with my grandfather for many years and it was challenging.Personality changes were the most difficult aspect of this for us because the older my grandfather got the more belligerent and mean he became. It was heartbreaking.

Hugs to all of you dealing with this.

 

[Calliecake]

VR and others dealing with aging parents. Please check their credit card statements. My mother in law was sharp as a tack and the credit card company somehow persuaded her she needed Insurance on her credit card for an extra $50 per month. My mother in law was a wealthy woman. There is no way she would ever not be able to afford her credit card bills and would have never agreed to this charge. My husband hit the roof when he contacted the credit card company and found out what this charge was for. He threatened to contact a lawyer. The credit card returned every penny she had paid for this so called insurance.


I can relate to so much that has been said in this thread. My parents are approaching 80 and i have seen many changes recently. I have learned to keep my mouth shut as they are going to do what they want anyway. They have become so stubborn and it seems all common sense has gone out the window. I also worry they will run out of money. I am well aware that everything will fall on my shoulders as my brothers won't offer to help with anything.

 

[ecf8503]

I feel as though I'm slowly falling into this as well. My mom is almost 70, in very good health internally with a sharp mind, but she is severely orthopedically impaired. She has had 5 artificial hips, a broken leg, a fused ankle, and fused neck, both knees are shot, severe scoliosis and degenerative remodeling in her back, and arthritis all over. It is so emotionally painful for her to be so "healthy", but yet not - she can barely walk from the kitchen to the couch with a walker, and simple tasks we all take for granted are extremely difficult for her. She is understandably depressed over all of this, but has fortunately been admitted into an excellent university medical system. I don't know that there is anything they can do to "fix" her, but she's gotten more diagnostic tests and subsequent answers from them than she has ever before.

She is married for the 3rd time. Her current husband, 2 years older than her, has health issues of his own (diabetes, back problems, etc), yet she relies on him for damn near everything. I worry about him - what will happen if he dies?

They lost their home in the crash of '08, and had to file for bankruptcy. Mom can't physically work even though she wants to, and her husband has worked hard his entire life and is enjoying retirement. They are living off social security, and it just isn't enough. Last year my DH and I ended up buying a second home for them to live in, and they are paying a portion of the mortgage as "rent". My siblings won't kick in, even though they are seemingly well-off, and I'm the only local child, so everything falls on me.

She has a 19-year old cat that she is (unhealthily) extremely attached to. He has kidney disease, and needs fluids and medications every other day, which she can't / won't do herself, so I end up driving 40 minutes 1-way every other day to do it. It's good I get to see them, make sure they are ok, but it is taxing. But I'm thankful it's "only" this degree - things could be a lot worse.

It's so nice to know there are others out there that are dealing with similar situations, and I feel for all of you!

 

[packrat]

My parents are still healthy, but I did take care of my Gramma w/the Kitties a few years ago. After Grampa died, she was ok for a while, even w/health problems, but then we started to notice little things. It took a few years but then we got her convinced to move to our town, so then she was about 4 blocks from our house and that was nice. It was hard for her, I know, to give up everything she and grampa had worked so hard for. She went from a house 5 times the size of ours, to an apartment the size of our kitchen and living room. By then, she'd had the family over time and time again to give things to us, so there wasn't much to move. I would go up to gramma's apartment three times a day (I was only working 1 day a week at that time), get her breakfast/lunch/supper, take care of her pills, dishes, that kind of stuff. I'd bring the kids when they weren't in school. She had a walker but sometimes she would fall, and I would have JD or my brother come pick her up if she seemed like I was hurting her when I did it. One time when I got there she was on the floor and I called my brother. I was sitting on the floor talking to gramma, waiting, and her eyes..she wasn't in any pain, hadn't gotten hurt, had pretty much slid to the floor but didn't have the strength to pull herself up so she just sat and waited for me to come for supper..but she looked scared, in her eyes. Like..why is this happening to me? And her eyes and my grampa's eyes are the same. And they're my dad's eyes and my brother's eyes. My eyes are a bit darker now so I don't match the rest of them. But I remember looking in gramma's eyes and seeing grampa and my dad and my brother and my heart just completely broke. I remember standing by my truck when my brother and I were leaving and gramma was all tucked in for the night and just sobbing while he tried to rub my back and tell me it would be ok. (and where is he now dammit while I sit here and cry, remembering?)

Sometimes I hated taking care of gramma, and wanted to get in and out as soon as possible. And then I'd feel terrible, the worst granddaughter ever, thinking of how tough gramma used to be-a farmers wife back in the day, working non stop sun up to sun down, taking time out only to watch her "stories". It cut me to the core to see gramma in my head, the way she was when we were little, and then to look again and I'm changing her bedding b/c she had an accident and helping her step into a pair of Depends. I'd never take that time away tho, no matter how ungodly hard it was to see her that way.

One day she asked me to start going to church again. B/c one of the wives of the neighboring farmers had been over (ohhh how all those farmers wives used to get together and cluck cluck cluck..) and told her she was going to hell b/c she wasn't going to church. So gramma said if I went, I could pass it along to God that gramma still was a good person and deserved to go to heaven. I told her "Gramma, I'm not going to church. If God is so blind he can't see into your heart to know who you are as a person just b/c you're not in a building w/a cross on it and fancy windows, then I don't want anything to do w/him". Gramma laughed her watered down version of the laugh she used to have and said she liked that-I told her to call me next time she came over and said mean things like that. Gramma said "Well..then she won't bring me cookies anymore if you yell at her. But..I guess that's ok..I got so mad when she left I threw those dumb cookies away"

 

[CJ2008]

Are any of you speaking to anybody to help you deal with all the emotions that come from this role.

It is not normal the amount of worrying and anxiety and resentment I am feeling when nothing has even happened yet. It is consuming me. It is embarrassing that I'm not even a caregiver yet and from hearing me speak you'd think I am taking care of them 24/7. All I've been doing is researching and planning. And thinking. Lots of thinking.

Are there any online groups that you frequent? Preferably (and in line with my introvert nature) I'd rather get help from the comfort of my own home, rather than have to attend an in-person group...I probably should look at Senior Centers or something and see if they have counselors that will speak to you over the phone.

 

[Calliecake]

Are any of you speaking to anybody to help you deal with all the emotions that come from this role.

It is not normal the amount of worrying and anxiety and resentment I am feeling when nothing has even happened yet. It is consuming me. It is embarrassing that I'm not even a caregiver yet and from hearing me speak you'd think I am taking care of them 24/7. All I've been doing is researching and planning. And thinking. Lots of thinking.

Are there any online groups that you frequent? Preferably (and in line with my introvert nature) I'd rather get help from the comfort of my own home, rather than have to attend an in-person group...I probably should look at Senior Centers or something and see if they have counselors that will speak to you over the phone.

CJ, I don't know of any but I could have written your post above because it is exactly how I am feeling. Between my mom and stepfather and my dad and stepmother I feel like everything falls on my shoulders and thta I am also being taken advantage of. They never did a great job of financial planning, where my husband and I have. Everytime we speak they are dropping hints on things they need in the hopes I will pay for it. I'm stressed and no one is actually needing me to help with an illness yet.

 

[telephone89]

CJ I'm in a similar position - we are not there yet, but will be shortly. My partners parents are much older than mine so I wasn't expecting to have this responsibility thrust upon us so quickly. FIL is the healthier of the two - he still goes to work every day, drives, etc. MIL is really suffering. After retirement she needed a major surgery and hasn't quite bounced back. She only drives a few blocks (we live almost an hour away, she will not drive to us, and makes her children drive her around the city) and she is also not very healthy mentally. She complains about everything. She hates FIL (and I don't doubt his ability to leave to 'work' whenever he wants so he isn't at home with her is part of it), and complains openly to the family about this. They are double mortgaged on their house - 5 bedrooms now just for the 2 of them. When we asked if they were thinking of downsizing, they couldn't stand the thought - a) they have too much shit, and b) they don't like being close to each other (only 1 tv room?! the horror!). eta - their business is also bleeding money. They'd be better off to sell everything and let it go, but FIL will not. I think it hasn't made (much) money in the past 10 years or so. Rent & costs are going up, but sales are not coming in.

In their culture it is expected that you take in your elders - they had FIL's F stay with them until he passed. MIL says she would never want to put that burden on her children, but I really think it's becoming a possibility.

My company just expanded to Australia, and there will be jobs available soon. I feel like the worst DIL ever when I think about moving us over there to avoid all the family issues coming...

 

[CJ2008]

CJ I'm in a similar position - we are not there yet, but will be shortly. My partners parents are much older than mine so I wasn't expecting to have this responsibility thrust upon us so quickly. FIL is the healthier of the two - he still goes to work every day, drives, etc. MIL is really suffering. After retirement she needed a major surgery and hasn't quite bounced back. She only drives a few blocks (we live almost an hour away, she will not drive to us, and makes her children drive her around the city) and she is also not very healthy mentally. She complains about everything. She hates FIL (and I don't doubt his ability to leave to 'work' whenever he wants so he isn't at home with her is part of it), and complains openly to the family about this. They are double mortgaged on their house - 5 bedrooms now just for the 2 of them. When we asked if they were thinking of downsizing, they couldn't stand the thought - a) they have too much shit, and b) they don't like being close to each other (only 1 tv room?! the horror!). eta - their business is also bleeding money. They'd be better off to sell everything and let it go, but FIL will not. I think it hasn't made (much) money in the past 10 years or so. Rent & costs are going up, but sales are not coming in.

In their culture it is expected that you take in your elders - they had FIL's F stay with them until he passed. MIL says she would never want to put that burden on her children, but I really think it's becoming a possibility.

My company just expanded to Australia, and there will be jobs available soon. I feel like the worst DIL ever when I think about moving us over there to avoid all the family issues coming...

Callie and telephone I will respond better later but I just wanted to let you both know reading your posts were so very comforting. Just to read other people's thoughts made me feel so not alone so not selfish so not horrible.

telephone when I read this "I feel like the worst DIL ever when I think about moving us over there to avoid all the family issues coming..." I burst out in tears. I can't tell you how often the thought crosses my mind to just move. Move to Hawaii. Wait until everything passes. But these are my parents - so I'm worse than you. By far.

I am so ashamed to have these thoughts I don't know where to run. If my parents knew I had these thoughts they would be so ashamed too. How embarrassing to have children who are already tired of taking care of you and they haven't even started.

I am in tears. And clenching my teeth from the tension. And I know I need to talk to someone because these feelings are only going to get worse if I don't find ways to deal with them in a healthy way. Thank goodness I am in a time of my life when I am eating really clean and going to the gym and feeling fit and strong and looking OK. It's the only thing I've got going to keep me from getting 100% depressed.

 

[Calliecake]

Oh CJ, Please don't feel like you are a bad person because of this. I have been reading your posts for a long time. You are a very, very good person. If you need to vent you can always use my shoulder.

 

[telephone89]

CJ I'm in a similar position - we are not there yet, but will be shortly. My partners parents are much older than mine so I wasn't expecting to have this responsibility thrust upon us so quickly. FIL is the healthier of the two - he still goes to work every day, drives, etc. MIL is really suffering. After retirement she needed a major surgery and hasn't quite bounced back. She only drives a few blocks (we live almost an hour away, she will not drive to us, and makes her children drive her around the city) and she is also not very healthy mentally. She complains about everything. She hates FIL (and I don't doubt his ability to leave to 'work' whenever he wants so he isn't at home with her is part of it), and complains openly to the family about this. They are double mortgaged on their house - 5 bedrooms now just for the 2 of them. When we asked if they were thinking of downsizing, they couldn't stand the thought - a) they have too much shit, and b) they don't like being close to each other (only 1 tv room?! the horror!). eta - their business is also bleeding money. They'd be better off to sell everything and let it go, but FIL will not. I think it hasn't made (much) money in the past 10 years or so. Rent & costs are going up, but sales are not coming in.

In their culture it is expected that you take in your elders - they had FIL's F stay with them until he passed. MIL says she would never want to put that burden on her children, but I really think it's becoming a possibility.

My company just expanded to Australia, and there will be jobs available soon. I feel like the worst DIL ever when I think about moving us over there to avoid all the family issues coming...

Callie and telephone I will respond better later but I just wanted to let you both know reading your posts were so very comforting. Just to read other people's thoughts made me feel so not alone so not selfish so not horrible.

telephone when I read this "I feel like the worst DIL ever when I think about moving us over there to avoid all the family issues coming..." I burst out in tears. I can't tell you how often the thought crosses my mind to just move. Move to Hawaii. Wait until everything passes. But these are my parents - so I'm worse than you. By far.

I am so ashamed to have these thoughts I don't know where to run. If my parents knew I had these thoughts they would be so ashamed too. How embarrassing to have children who are already tired of taking care of you and they haven't even started.

I am in tears. And clenching my teeth from the tension. And I know I need to talk to someone because these feelings are only going to get worse if I don't find ways to deal with them in a healthy way. Thank goodness I am in a time of my life when I am eating really clean and going to the gym and feeling fit and strong and looking OK. It's the only thing I've got going to keep me from getting 100% depressed.

*hugs* I think the gym is a wonderful idea. Get out that tension and keep yourself healthy (if only physically). I should try this, my tummy would appreciate it (lol).

 

[CJ2008]

Oh CJ, Please don't feel like you are a bad person because of this. I have been reading your posts for a long time. You are a very, very good person. If you need to vent you can always use my shoulder.

oh no no no

I *know* I am not a giving and caring person.

I know this.

I give in some ways. I am not all bad.

But I am self centered. I spend tons of time alone and it is never quite enough.

I am just needing to find ways to deal with what is coming in a way that will not consume me with guilt and anger and resentment. Not only for me but so that I can think clearly and do what I *am* willing to do as lovingly as I am capable of.

And thank you so much for offering your shoulder Callie - it means so so much. Believe it or not I feel like this is one of those things where I would feel safest with a complete stranger. I don't feel like any of you are strangers even though I've never met any of you. I've shared more with you all in so many instances than with people I know. But thank you.

And do promise me that you will consider seeking out someone to talk to also - you may not need it now but you may later.

 

[CJ2008]

CJ I'm in a similar position - we are not there yet, but will be shortly. My partners parents are much older than mine so I wasn't expecting to have this responsibility thrust upon us so quickly. FIL is the healthier of the two - he still goes to work every day, drives, etc. MIL is really suffering. After retirement she needed a major surgery and hasn't quite bounced back. She only drives a few blocks (we live almost an hour away, she will not drive to us, and makes her children drive her around the city) and she is also not very healthy mentally. She complains about everything. She hates FIL (and I don't doubt his ability to leave to 'work' whenever he wants so he isn't at home with her is part of it), and complains openly to the family about this. They are double mortgaged on their house - 5 bedrooms now just for the 2 of them. When we asked if they were thinking of downsizing, they couldn't stand the thought - a) they have too much shit, and b) they don't like being close to each other (only 1 tv room?! the horror!). eta - their business is also bleeding money. They'd be better off to sell everything and let it go, but FIL will not. I think it hasn't made (much) money in the past 10 years or so. Rent & costs are going up, but sales are not coming in.

In their culture it is expected that you take in your elders - they had FIL's F stay with them until he passed. MIL says she would never want to put that burden on her children, but I really think it's becoming a possibility.

My company just expanded to Australia, and there will be jobs available soon. I feel like the worst DIL ever when I think about moving us over there to avoid all the family issues coming...

Callie and telephone I will respond better later but I just wanted to let you both know reading your posts were so very comforting. Just to read other people's thoughts made me feel so not alone so not selfish so not horrible.

telephone when I read this "I feel like the worst DIL ever when I think about moving us over there to avoid all the family issues coming..." I burst out in tears. I can't tell you how often the thought crosses my mind to just move. Move to Hawaii. Wait until everything passes. But these are my parents - so I'm worse than you. By far.

I am so ashamed to have these thoughts I don't know where to run. If my parents knew I had these thoughts they would be so ashamed too. How embarrassing to have children who are already tired of taking care of you and they haven't even started.

I am in tears. And clenching my teeth from the tension. And I know I need to talk to someone because these feelings are only going to get worse if I don't find ways to deal with them in a healthy way. Thank goodness I am in a time of my life when I am eating really clean and going to the gym and feeling fit and strong and looking OK. It's the only thing I've got going to keep me from getting 100% depressed.

*hugs* I think the gym is a wonderful idea. Get out that tension and keep yourself healthy (if only physically). I should try this, my tummy would appreciate it (lol).

*hugs* right back to you t

That's exactly what it is...a healthy tension releaser.

 

[AGBF]

I am living in the small house I grew up in. It is dirty and cluttered, unlike any of the homes of my own I have had since I have been married. I am living with my 95 year-old father; my mentally ill 23 year-old daughter; and our 147 pound Newfoundland who helps to ensure that the house is always dirty. He splatters black drool everywhere...it can fly 20 feet. He also tracks in mud and it dries and becomes mud dust. The paint job we had done two years or so ago looks as if it were done 20 or 30 years ago.

My daughter needs me constantly. She cannot separate from me. She did better when we lived with my husband and she had to share me with him. In Virginia she was even able to sleep in her own wing of the house. Now she will not even sleep in the bedroom across the hall from mine that she picked. She sleeps in the second bed in my room. If I leave the room she wants to know where I am going. If I leave the house, she wants to know where I am going. If I get on the phone, she wants to know whom I am calling or who is calling me. And, yes, she was taught manners as a child. As a child, she obeyed the rules. Her emotional problems had not, yet, begun.

My father does not have Alzheimer's, but her does have some dementia. He also cannot walk well. He is supposed to be using a walker between rooms or within a room. He really should not be doing his own laundry (which involves trips down a set of stairs to the basement) or doing dishes. I try to keep him from ever doing any of these chores, but occasionally he will sneak in a load of laundry in the middle of the night or do some dishes by hand. (I will have to re-wash them because he cannot see and they will be filthy after he "washes" them.)

He can get a quick meal for himself in a pinch because I keep the house stocked, but if I want him to have a hot lunch and dinner, I must make sure that I prepare it. The dog has an upset stomach from being on antibiotics and has to eat chicken, broth, and rice twice twice a day. So he needs to be cooled for and fed.

I must also give my father his morning and evening pills. (I arrange these in a twice a day-morning and evening-pill dispenser, once a week.) I also give the dog morning and evening pills. Up until a couple of months ago I also arranged my daughter's pills into a twice a day dispenser once a week. She would, then, take them herself out of the dispenser. She has, now, started to do that herself though. (Hallelujah!)

My father has to be driven to all his doctors' appointments, as does my daughter. Today my father (with his walker) saw his internist. yesterday I took my daughter to her dermatologist. The dog won't o in the car, so the vet has to come to the house.

I will post more later. I promised my daughter a ride in my new Jeep.

AGBF

 

[CJ2008]

Found some helpful articles...wanted to share them in case they can help anyone else.

https://www.caregiver.org/emotional-side-caregiving

https://caregiver.org/caregiving-with-your-siblings

 

[Loves Vintage]

I have to recommend pill pack for those assembling medications for others. https://www.pillpack.com/ I was preparing a month's supply of meds (am/afternoon/pm) for a family member who does not live with me. I had spent months working with local independent pharmacies seeking to have them arrange her meds in dose-packaging. Ultimately, that never worked out. We had a visiting nurse pour her meds. Complete disaster! When I went to check them, they were just completely wrong. And, then I randomly came across pill pack on cnn.com one day. It's worked out really well for her. No one has to pick up meds from the pharmacy, and they are packaged so conveniently and dated for you. Pharmacists are available 24 hrs too -- they call back after normal business hours. Pricing is the same as anywhere else (assuming insurance is paying, not sure about private pay.)

 

[AGBF]

Are any of you speaking to anybody to help you deal with all the emotions that come from this role.

I just went back and reread this thread from the beginning. I am glad you asked this question. No, I have not been speaking to anybody to help me deal with the emotions that come with 'this" role. Not with a professional person, that is. I have been speaking, for years, to my two best friends, however. They, also, have been going through what I have been. Each has her own (horrible, terrible) story. Each has now lost both her parents. One has a mentally ill son (he is bi-polar as is my daughter, but has been that way since early childhood-unlike my daughter who developed the disease later in life). She has lupus and arthritis and has had surgeries on her spine and a knee replacement in the past year as her beloved mother was dying. The other friend has two sons, one of whom has always been a problem. Her husband retired from construction work with a battered body and had to replace a hip, a knee, and a shoulder, but still cares for grandchildren (one baby during the day and one older child after school) while she, at 65, works two jobs as a social worker. Meanwhile she has had back surgery and other surgeries. She has to walk all over a dialysis unit all day as a social worker although her back is bad because wants to keep working! Someone needs to make money and her husband is no longer physically able to do so. And she has seen two parents through nursing homes and hospitals. Both developed dementia in the end, one because of extremely high blood sugar from diabetes. And she (with the help of her husband and children) did it alone. One of her siblings never talked to them. The other one, a male, lived far away.

So I talk to my friends. But I jumped at the chance to write about my situation here. I often wake up screaming in the night. I have completely given up hope. With my father's last hospitalization, I had to give up teaching the citizenship class I had been teaching and I really loved doing that.

AGBF

 

[isaku5]

Deb, I applaud you for being there for your daughter and your dad, BUT if you are screaming in the middle of the night, I think it's time to consult a professional.

I've been 'there' with my mom and our daughter (the wild child who knowingly married her homosexual 'husband' thinking she could teach him to be hetero ). My mom kept asking me to 'do something' to change him...always saying that, after all, I had a university degree.

I finally had to say to Mom that there was no class at university that would teach me how to' cure' homosexuality. At the same time, I told her that I would not discuss the matter in the future. If she wanted me to visit her (at the retirement lodge and then the Nursing Home), we'd have to choose other subjects.

She passed away at 93 years of age - one day after Mother's Day in 2000.

I'm almost ashamed to write this, but it was one of the best days of my life.

 

[CJ2008]

So I talk to my friends. But I jumped at the chance to write about my situation here. I often wake up screaming in the night. I have completely given up hope. With my father's last hospitalization, I had to give up teaching the citizenship class I had been teaching and I really loved doing that.

AGBF

Deb I am so so sorry you had to stop teaching the citizenship class that you were enjoying teaching.

I would not feel comfortable talking to any of my friends about these feelings.

My anger and resentment and most of my feelings are...ugly.

It's even very hard to share it here.

But it's the beginning of me acknowledging my feelings. I have to do it so that I can hopefully manage the feelings and get to a healthier and productive state. Right now I feel like every time I have a difficult conversation with my parents about one of these very important subjects I need 3 months off before I can feel renewed enough to pick it back up.

And time is ticking...

I am in awe of everything you're doing and bearing but you do need to find ways to find some hope - maybe not hope that things will change - but just...hope.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am back in the saddle again. My dad died October 7th. Many may remember that I took care of my Nanny for 16 years. Mom didn't help at all. Now that my dad is gone, I am taking care of her and making up for the lack of her care big time.
I got her physical therapy. She is blind and can't walk. But yesterday she took her first steps. Today she walked even further....I also am getting her injections for her eyes... I believe some progress can be made. And getting her dentures.. My dad did the best I suppose but he really just left her there to die. It began when she broke her arm years ago and he wouldn't take her to the ER. He said it was closed. I did what I could to get her through two operations. But quit after he became so beligerant and toxic to me. Mom was pretty mean to me, so I was like bye.... So now doing everything I can to get her better. Its my new normal...Divorce still going on and my EX is pilfering my parents house. It's crazy...

 

[VRBeauty]

CJ - Kaleigh - AGBF - my heart breaks for you all.

You also remind me that really, my situation is not bad at all. One of my brothers pitches in regularly (though not as regularly as I would like) and the other can be arm-twisted into making the occasional visit, so I am not alone. My father is not mean or belligerent or helpless - he's grateful for even my occasional help and visits. He's just kind of disconnected, and between his isolation and his limited range of interests (politics - and usually his positions are the polar opposite of mine) he is almost incapable of carrying on any sort of conversation. I get exasperated with him and with juggling my life here in my home and trying to help him with his. I do feel on the edge much of the time, which is why I started this thread. But truly, I do realize that not that much is being asked of me.

 

[azstonie]

I live in Arizona, a state with many retirees and the extreme elderly and many many quality services for retirees/elderly.

When I was working with Mayo, we had geriatric social workers who knew every aspect of aging and its requirements and needs and Mayo patients and their adult children got much help from the geriatric social workers and their network.

Even if you don't have much money, I highly recommend getting a geriatric social worker to assess your loved one and make recommendations and referrals. They do or have done all the leg work. They know who the quality providers are. They know their stuff. They know their 'target' and how to hit it.

My 85-year-old parents live in a CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community). Its like college but with money. They have a social life, they pursue hobbies and interests, and their care is covered from no assitance all the way to nursing or rehab after surgeries to memory care (Alzheimer's) or full nursing care. Yes, their monthly 'rent' is costly but its basically a long term care coverage rolled into where they their housing and food costs. My parents went into this place at age 80 and excellent physical and mental health. They therefore were accepted in at the lowest costs/rates, which will basically be the rate they pay no matter how they deteriorate and what kind of care they require.

For Us Middle Aged PS-ers: I paid for a long term care policy for myself and my husband while I worked at Mayo, it was expensive. I investigated the company for financial stability to see if it would even be there if I needed it in old age (might also need it in middle age if you had a severe stroke or became completely incapacitated and in 24-hour skilled nursing). Even after examining the financial information they would make available (hoping they aren't lying, quite a few companies have been busted lately for just this very lie), you have to wonder if the company would actually pay up when you made a claim. Many insurance companies deny everything the first 3 times and expect you to hire an attorney to hold their feet to the fire.

Therefore, my DH and I plan to go into a CCRC around age 75-80 depending on health needs and general function; this will be our LTC insurance. The trick to the CCRC and some assisted living facilities is WHEN YOU GO IN. They won't take applicants who are presently very ill, their algorithms of profitability (or viability for nonprofits) all run on incoming people being independent or reasonably so before becoming very ill or incapacitated there. So you want to go in to one of these places BEFORE becoming ill or needing a high level of assistance every day.

Disclaimer: The text above is not intended to tell anyone what they should do or that they themselves are wrong in any way. If it gives someone here some assistance or food for thought, that is why I posted it. I've received solid help here on many subjects and I'm only trying to return the favor.

 

[CJ2008]

CJ - Kaleigh - AGBF - my heart breaks for you all.

You also remind me that really, my situation is not bad at all. One of my brothers pitches in regularly (though not as regularly as I would like) and the other can be arm-twisted into making the occasional visit, so I am not alone. My father is not mean or belligerent or helpless - he's grateful for even my occasional help and visits. He's just kind of disconnected, and between his isolation and his limited range of interests (politics - and usually his positions are the polar opposite of mine) he is almost incapable of carrying on any sort of conversation. I get exasperated with him and with juggling my life here in my home and trying to help him with his. I do feel on the edge much of the time, which is why I started this thread. But truly, I do realize that not that much is being asked of me.

Thanks VRBeauty.

I feel the same way.

Compared to everyone else, I'm doing very little.

But you know what? That doesn't matter...and it's easier for me to see that when it comes to someone else, like when I read your post. This is not about comparing (even though it's the natural thing to do) to see if our feelings are valid.

And for us to feel safe to use use this thread to share, and vent, we need to be able to say whatever it is we feel whether we're caregiving 1 hour a week or 10 or 30. Whether it just started, hasn't started, or it's been going on for years.

I really appreciate you starting this thread because it's just one additional avenue where I can let out the heaviness and clenching I feel around my heart.

 

[CJ2008]

I live in Arizona, a state with many retirees and the extreme elderly and many many quality services for retirees/elderly.

When I was working with Mayo, we had geriatric social workers who knew every aspect of aging and its requirements and needs and Mayo patients and their adult children got much help from the geriatric social workers and their network.

Even if you don't have much money, I highly recommend getting a geriatric social worker to assess your loved one and make recommendations and referrals. They do or have done all the leg work. They know who the quality providers are. They know their stuff. They know their 'target' and how to hit it.

My 85-year-old parents live in a CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community). Its like college but with money. They have a social life, they pursue hobbies and interests, and their care is covered from no assitance all the way to nursing or rehab after surgeries to memory care (Alzheimer's) or full nursing care. Yes, their monthly 'rent' is costly but its basically a long term care coverage rolled into where they their housing and food costs. My parents went into this place at age 80 and excellent physical and mental health. They therefore were accepted in at the lowest costs/rates, which will basically be the rate they pay no matter how they deteriorate and what kind of care they require.

For Us Middle Aged PS-ers: I paid for a long term care policy for myself and my husband while I worked at Mayo, it was expensive. I investigated the company for financial stability to see if it would even be there if I needed it in old age (might also need it in middle age if you had a severe stroke or became completely incapacitated and in 24-hour skilled nursing). Even after examining the financial information they would make available (hoping they aren't lying, quite a few companies have been busted lately for just this very lie), you have to wonder if the company would actually pay up when you made a claim. Many insurance companies deny everything the first 3 times and expect you to hire an attorney to hold their feet to the fire.

Therefore, my DH and I plan to go into a CCRC around age 75-80 depending on health needs and general function; this will be our LTC insurance. The trick to the CCRC and some assisted living facilities is WHEN YOU GO IN. They won't take applicants who are presently very ill, their algorithms of profitability (or viability for nonprofits) all run on incoming people being independent or reasonably so before becoming very ill or incapacitated there. So you want to go in to one of these places BEFORE becoming ill or needing a high level of assistance every day.

Disclaimer: The text above is not intended to tell anyone what they should do or that they themselves are wrong in any way. If it gives someone here some assistance or food for thought, that is why I posted it. I've received solid help here on many subjects and I'm only trying to return the favor.

You are such a sweetheart Kristie.

I remember you mentioning this before - maybe it was in another thread of mine, not sure - this sounds WONDERFUL. Except, of course, my parents would have to be open to going while they're still healthy (doubtful) and I'm afraid to ask how much it costs...

But it's an option - and you've opened my mind to DH and I putting it in our radar as maybe an option for us in the future.

I love the idea of a geriatric social worker - it would be so helpful to have someone knowledgeable to be the liaison and to help me navigate the mountains of information that it takes to know to make decent decisions. I think I looked into this before (I think you mentioned this before also) but at the time I wasn't so heavily involved in thinking about Medicaid, etc. So thanks for this reminder because it is an option - even if I / we can't do it now we might want to in the future.

 

[AGBF]

I am back in the saddle again. My dad died October 7th. Many may remember that I took care of my Nanny for 16 years. Mom didn't help at all. Now that my dad is gone, I am taking care of her and making up for the lack of her care big time.
I got her physical therapy. She is blind and can't walk. But yesterday she took her first steps. Today she walked even further....I also am getting her injections for her eyes... I believe some progress can be made. And getting her dentures.. My dad did the best I suppose but he really just left her there to die. It began when she broke her arm years ago and he wouldn't take her to the ER. He said it was closed. I did what I could to get her through two operations. But quit after he became so beligerant and toxic to me. Mom was pretty mean to me, so I was like bye.... So now doing everything I can to get her better. Its my new normal...Divorce still going on and my EX is pilfering my parents house. It's crazy...

Dear Kaleigh (Lisa), I would say I cannot believe your life, but unfortunately I can. And, yes, I remember your Nanny. And her wisdom. And how you have always quoted her. I do find you amazing for being able to take on the care of your mother after the life you have lived. I am afraid I do recall her as being less than kind to you. But I cannot imagine you leaving someone as helpless as the person you describe her now to be to fend for herself. That just isn't you. I know it would break your heart to see someone helpless suffering. God bless you!

Big hugs,
Deb
(((Kaleigh)))