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A resolution..of sorts

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allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,255
Hey ladies,

I really needed to post an update for all the lovely ladies that helped me through a really difficult time.

Well where to start (first off Irina, if I put things in a way that is inappropriate, let me know).

So for as long as I''''ve been on this forum, I''''ve always had issues with my boyfriend. Aside from the stuff that I''''ve posted, there''''s always been this prevailing sense of unhappiness about me. When I was younger, I thought it it was because I was obsessed with getting into med school, and that was why I wasn''''t happy. Then once I got into med school, I was still very, very unhappy and I thought it was the stress of school, and my boyfriend. Then there was the whole issue of FEARING to get married, disliking children with an intensity that was unnatural.

And of course, there is no doubt that there were issues between us as a couple.

So we broke up, I started conselling. I have to admit, when I started this I was SO SURE I knew that it was ALL my boyfriend that had been making me unhappy all these years. That''''s it end of story, we weren''''t compatible because we fought all the time.

So intense counselling, I''''m talking, talking, about all this stuff that upsets me, parents, school, boyfriend, crying at every session (he would bring a huge box of tissues for me ahead of time because I was a mess.) And the more and more we talk, the more we start moving away from boyfriend and school.

And then I tell him something that happened to me when I was young during the ages of 9-10 years old. Which I have only said twice before in my life. Because it is ugly, disgusting and terrible. Once to my parents, and once to my boyfriend. And I really think it''''s nothing. I believe it with all my heart, because I can honestly say that for the past 16 years I have thought about those incidents twice in my entire life. I did not even acknowledge them as being a part of who I am, or really actively accept that it happened to me. Partly because when I first told my parents, they were horrified, blamed me and would would unknowingly punish me for it. I think even for them it was too much. It was just something that happened, that our whole family knew, but we never talked about for years and years (and we still don''''t but I don''''t think that is necessary because I''''m dealing with it through other ways.

The very first time I told the counseller, after the session, it was awful. As he analyzed it with me I''''m starting to realize that this incident has affected every single part of my life. My negative-self image, why I got so angry, why I''''m such a dark person at times. And every choice I have made because a function of something I''''ve never admitted. That was the worst part, because I no longer felt like I knew who I was. And a part of me kept wondering, if you erased this from my memory, would I still be the same person, or even make the same decisions.

So intergrating it, remembering it all and even just accepting that *maybe this is making me unhappy* was hard. Seeing denial as a defense mechanism is hard. And the only thing I can''''t understand now is how I went all those years without realizing that this actually had any effect on my life.

Three weeks ago we had a class on it, and I just froze. And as they were listing all the things that happen to survivors, and their characteristics, I realize that they are listing so many things that are like me. Negative self image, tendency toward eating disorders, misplacing anger on spouses and significant others, self-hate, blaming yourself. AND most importanly, a PRONOUNCED fear of becoming an adult woman. (i.e of marriage and children) which pretty much explains it, because I couldn''''t figure out why when I was about 20-21 years old I loved children and wanted to get married, and then it all changes. In any case, what my counseller explained and I believe very much, is that at 20-21 I wasn''''t really at an age where having children and marriage as feasable, and now at 26 years old it is, all this stuff can no longer be repressed.

And on the flip side, in the past few months, my boyfriend did is own thing, worked on the stuff that were largely responsible for our breakup. Talked to a lot of people involved in MADD, and worked it out. He talked to me honestly, and sincerely, and I KNOW the drinking is no longer an issue. Talking with mothers, survivors, it was a private experience for him which I don''''t think he will ever forget.

Two weeks ago he came to the session with me. And we talked about what had happend. We''''ve never done that before, and it was so difficult, because it became so clear to both of us, how much he picked up on the things I needed, instinctively look for, but without able to talk about the abuse. And all this time I thought he was oblivous, and didn''''t care. And what''''s worst was because he never bought it up, I always assumed he thought I was lying. Although that is (I understand) a natural instinct, because when I was 9, my mother accused me of lying, so the tendency is to believe EVERYONE thinks you are lying. I was unconsciously very angry with him for it, for not bringing it up, and I suppose in some ways, being a conspriacy to the secret.

It''''s strange how understanding your fear can make it go away. In any case, I think I''''m going to need counselling for a long time to work through everything out, but that''''s an ongoing thing.

But I''''m sure you all knew how I was SO adament against getting married, or even doing anything remotely associated with marriage. The last time he dragged me to look at reception halls, I refused to go in, because I KNEW I wasn''''t going to do it. In any case, we went on Saturday, chose a place, and *drumroll* I put down a deposit. We needed to book early to make sure we got the date we wanted, it''''s July 26 th, 2008. We even picked the church.

But the best part is knowing that I''''m getting better, that I''''m no longer sad all the time and wondering "why am I so unhappy" I get down now too, but it''''s not this strange, vague, why am I down feeling. It''''s more because I see that the healing process is LOOONG. And I''''m not a patient person.

Deco was right, heal yourself. It wasn''''t him, all along it was me, and my stuff. But blaming him was easier then facing all the stuff which I denied for so long.

Thanks to all you ladies for the wonderful support, Deco, Firegoddess, Mara, Kaleigh, Oshinbreez.. so many others I''''m only mentioning these fine ladies because off the top of my head, I remember their advice so clearly. But all of the people in this community helped me through this stuff.

Hugs!
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
I am so glad the counseling helped you and that you are feeling happier and more secure with things!!! Counseling can truly be wonderful!! I'm very happy for the both of you, and I hope everything keeps going so well.

*M*

ETA: I forgot to add, although it may seem like things are getting harder at times, remember that in the end you and your fiance will be stronger individually and as a couple.
 

SoonIHope

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 11, 2005
Messages
2,152
Wow, Ally, your post brought tears to my eyes!! I am so sorry you have gone through all of this, but more than anything I am so happy for you and proud of you for facing it head on now, and having the courage to work through these issues. I am also so glad that things with your fiance are so much better now, and with his drinking, and that you booked a hall!!!! It seems you really have been through an amazing amount of transformation and growth over the past several weeks/months, and I am so so proud of you and wish only the best for you in the future. Please do keep us updated on everything!!!

 

AmberWaves

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 19, 2005
Messages
3,672
Ally, I''m glad you''re working towards healing yourself, and are finally on your way to being free and whole in your heart, mind, and soul. I wish the very best for you, girl. Take care of yourself.
 

lili

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
3,465
yay! i''m so very happy for you allycat0303!
i''ve followed your many post but never posted because i was afraid i may say something wrong.
i''m glad that you are on your way to recovery
and that you and your fiance are taking steps in realizing your union


best wishes to you!
 

AmantdeChat

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 17, 2003
Messages
578
I just wanted to congratulate you on taking the hardest step, asking for help. I have my own demons that I wrestle with and I know how hard it can be to face them and acknowledge their existence. I am not a patient person either. I want results NOW!!!
However, I know that this process is not a fast one and I may have many years of dealing with the results of past issues before I am truly free of their effect.

That said, I do believe a person can become more aware of their reactions and learn to either stop it or keep the knee jerk reaction that has become such a habit, to a minimum.

Good luck with your therapy and your renewed relationship with your boyfriend/fiance. I will be rooting for you!!
 

DMBsGirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2006
Messages
1,589
It must feel so good to finally begin healing this wound you''re had for so long. Best of luck to you and congrats on picking a date and hall!
 

~*Alexis*~

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,750
I have been in a situation like yours only I never chose to tell anyone about it.
I was about 5 or so and then it happened 3 more times by the time I was 15. Although I knew it was wrong I did nothing to stop it really. There are things that I have done just like you in order to not have to deal with things or use a new defense mechanism to not have to deal with people getting to close to me or something along those lines. There are always things that will come up through out your life and ''getting over it'' never really happens. You learn to deal with it in your own way and then you move on. Some people will not understand and others will. Be VERY lucky that you have someone in your life that will accept it with you and can help you through it, i learned it the hard way that some people are just not cut out to deal with things like that. But I am VERY glad that you have been working on things like this with a professional. They really do help you out more than you know.

CONGRATS ON THE BOOKING!!!
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
Ally, kudos for you first off for going to therapy and being so open about your life and experiences. I know it can be hard for some people...but I think the results can be wonderful as well. It's tough to tell someone...a stranger no less, about your life in such intricate detail but I do think that many times those who are not related to us or connected to us in any way can give very insightful advice which to me is really mostly what therapy is. Unbiased listening and advice. Anyway, it's great that you were able to have this mental breakthrough and figure out what's been going on. And quite honestly, from your posts before, I knew something was off, I mean not like I knew something had happened to you previously but because your posts were always so anguished and you seemed trapped in so many ways mentally. So it's awesome that you have started breaking through these mental walls you had up and you can finally start to enjoy life and be happy!!! My motto in life is honestly if something is not making you happy then why do it. Life is way too friggin short to be plugging away at something that makes you miserable. Whether it's a job, or a relationship or whatever...sure stuff takes work but the outcome should be positive.

On the relationship front, I have to say I'm a little wary here about you jumping back into this with two feet and arms and legs a-wavin....I mean it's great that you are coming so far so quickly and are open to the idea of your forever relationship again, but I think that you two both have work to do on your own still and I'm not sure that moving fwd so fast to put a dep down on a hall is the way to go. I mean obviously I am a bystander but I just really want you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF right now. I don't feel like that means jumping back into this relationship 10000% just yet. You two have some serious issues to work through on your own still...both of you. I also just want you to make sure that you are not just going back to this relationship because it's EASY and because he's there and because he's standing by you. Make sure this is really what you want for the rest of your life?? And is this the right time to be making that large decision once again? You are truly just now rediscovering *yourself* and the potential of who you could be with this burden off your chest.

I don't want to harp here but I think you know what I am saying. Really I am a huge believer in people healing one's self or being 1000% happy or at ease/at peace with one's self before they can be any sort of great mate to anyone else. I feel a little bit like you are making all this progress and then thinking oh well many of the issues we had were with me and now that I'm getting this help, I'm sure it will be great. Just take things slowly. There REALLY is no rush. This guy may or may not be the right one for you...what if after you complete all this self-discovery you realize that it's not what you really want? It's awesome that you feel like truly moving fwd with your life, but maybe you can just continue to enjoy that in other non-marriage-committment-forever kind of ways for a little bit while you see how things pan out.

Just some rambling thoughts...anyway KUDOS again for the amazing steps you have taken...I'm so happy for you.
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,255
Albi: you're so sweet. It has been really, really hard few months. Just dealing with it is hard.

Amberwaves, DMBsGirl: thanks for the kind words

Lili: there's really never any reason to feel like you are going to say anything wrong, only intentional meaness is bad, other then that, everyone gives their opinon. Hugs!

AmantdeChat: thanks for the well wishes. I have to tell you that I love ALL your avater pictures. I don't know if you take them, or what but they are amazing. I love the one of that the cat is leaping through the air too.

Alexis: I think the worst part was that I REALLY feel like I am the only one that went through it. I feel alone. My sister lives in the same house, is only 1.5 years younger then me, and nothing happened to her. But I'm sorry that you went through the same thing. I am not expecting to get over it really. I'm just hoping to learn to live with it, without having such a hair-trigger temper.

Mara: The wise voice of reason
I did talk to my conselor about those decisions, if I could make them, or not. (Because he was with us together) He did tell me that I had to make that decision on my own, but that it was evident from everything that I have said that I REALLY, REALLY wanted to get married, but I just couldn't but I didn't really know WHY. There was an intrinsic sense of wrongness before that isn't there anymore. I know there is the possibility that things change, but I don't think so. He is in all things my partner, and I do think that my life won't stop for me to deal with this. I feel like it's going to be ok, for many reasons, most of which, honestly, I wasn't that unhappy when we were broken up, I didn't cry, I wasn't in the mourning period or anything like that. I didn't feel like I was being ripped open. For me the really big issue was the drinking. Other then that it was the fact that I was always fighting with him. And honestly, the fights are a manifestation of a lot of anger I feel and have nothing to do with him. For me anyways, it's not about anything other then being a choice, I choose to be with him for so many reasons, because he will stand by me, because he known the truth for years, taken so much poop from me which I'm sure that a lot of guys would have just said "enough". And there really is a terrible love between us. I don't think I could love someone more, nor would I stand for someone as much as I have for him.

It feels very right. If it at any point doesn't feel right, I have no qualms about calling it off etc., after all it's just a little bit of money lost. But both of us do feel that the main issues that were keeping me from actually doing anything wedding related are gone. I don't think I'm going to get super into wedding things or anything, I'll likely be annoyed at times, but where I could never even imagine walking down the aisle, picturing it mentally in my head, I can now so I know I can do it. But I'm really into listening to my gut feeling. If at any point it changes, then I'm going to listen. There's still 1.5 years until the wedding, so if anything changes, I'll act on it. Thanks!
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 25, 2005
Messages
12,145
Ally! I am so glad to hear that you have been seeing a counselor and have come to know and understand more about what has been subconsciously weighing on you. This is a huge thing to deal with and not at all easy by any means. It takes a lot of strength and clearly you have that in spades. I know and have faith that if at any point going forward in your relationship/engagement/marriage feels wrong you will do something about it. My main concern regarding your fiance is the past drinking, and I know that it has bothered you and he has done many insensitive things because of it. And only you can be the judge of whether he is getting or has gotten past that. I really hope he is and that it will be a non-issue in the relationship.

It must be overwhelming to realize something you have subconsciously diminished has played a significant role in the shaping of your personality. It will take time and care to heal this aspect of your life but if anyone can do it, you can!!! Many hugs....I am thinking about you often. xxooxxxoo
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
Messages
7,074
Ally, I am very, very, very impressed. I''m a big fan of counselling and know how much it can help, but the progress you''ve made in the last few months is almost incredible! It proves how much finding the source of the problem is the best way to heal it, rather than just treating the symptoms. I commend you for taking care of yourself and doing what''s best for you; everyone should be so strong. Kudos to your fiancé as well for stopping his drinking.

Congrats of booking the hall! Your wedding will be just 3 months before mine... I think that''s great!
I can''t wait to hear all about your plans...


Take care of yourself, I hope we can meet up again next winter.
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
11,534
Hey Ally!

Glad you updated! I was even more curious after the other "hypothetical" thread
but figured you''d share when you were ready!

I''ll write more later (wee bit sick & unsuccessfully avoiding a deadline right now) but wanted to let you know how HAPPY I am that you''re happIER & doing what''s right for you & taking care of yourself & not feeling as *alone* in your personal experiences. Big brains can cook up some big-time denial, right??!!

Congrats on picking a date too!


**HUGS**

Deco
 

Rhapsody

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 23, 2005
Messages
391
Oh sweetie, I'm overwhelmed just reading your post I can't imagine how you must feel. I'm so glad the counseling has helped you begin to understand the foundation of your sadness and anger. I know what its like to be inexplicably angry and it just pisses you off even more that you don't understand why you're so mad... It's easy to blame it on things in your environment, because it's so hard to internalize these things and to really search for their underlying cause. One time a car cut me off on the highway and I got so angry and just burst into tears. I started crying so hard I had to pull over. I sat there on the side of the road for about an hour and realized that a healthy person does not react like that and that I needed to figure out what was making me like this. It's hard to accept that things we thought we were in control of are impacting us more than we think.

Like Mara I'm a bit concerned about how quickly you've jumped back on the marriage path. I guess my one thought is just don't let yourself get caught up in the momentum of feeling better about things. Understanding why you were so afarid of marriage is a huge step in the right direction, but make sure that you are really sure you want it now. I know I get caught up in thinking "I don't quite want it now, but I'm sure I'll want it later" and its so easy to get carried by the progress and to rush things. Just be careful. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Always listen to your heart, you are a very strong women and I think that if you are honest with yourself that you will know what the right choices are for you. Good luck with everything, I'll be thinking of you.
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
Ally it sounds like you covered all the mental bases at least in terms of considering what I had put out there...anyway take care of yourself and be sure to continue to put yourself first especially during this healing period. Keep us posted!!
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,255
FG: I''m thinking of you alot too, and your mom. Enjoy this Christmas with her, and I appreciate the strong thoughts. I''m going to trust him on his word, in the past he''s made some huge strides on things that were MUCH worst (the gambling was a much bigger issue) and one day he said it would change and it did. We''d gone 5 years without a peep. So I know if can happen. Just faith right now. I can deal with being disapointed too though. It won''t be a drama, or second chances.

Rhapsody: I cried easily, got mad easily, etc. I will think of myself first and foremost (I promise you) and I know that there are some wonderful ladies here that can give some tough love, think of yourself first here. So we''ll see how it goes. I think when we''ve got a lot on our mind, we tend to lose it much easier.

Deco: I''m so sorry you''re sick truly. There''s something nasty going around my friend looks like death paid a visit
I don''t know about big brains. I actually think I pretty stupid right now. Just in the sense that honestly, it''s not that hard of a link to make. I don''t know why I blamed so many things on so many different factors. Feel better.

Mara: Definitely keeping all the stuff you said in mind. It''s all on ongoing process. Thanks! And hugs!
 

Miranda

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 18, 2006
Messages
4,101
Ally, I am so happy to hear that you are well on your way to feeling whole. How very brave of you to journey into your past and find answers that will unlock your own happiness. Best wishes and good luck.
 

AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 6, 2005
Messages
7,770
Wow Ally - I''m so impressed and happy for you that you have confronted your demons this way. It sounds like you have made an incredible journey and while I know you still have a ways to go, I think you should be very proud of yourself for starting to do such hard work on yourself and your issues.

Best of luck with your therapy and your relationship - please keep us updated on everything that''s going on for you and know that everyone here is always wishing you the best.
 

mia15

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 26, 2006
Messages
160
Ally, I lurk more than I post and while I''ve followed your story, I felt a little shy at posting anything before.

Anyway, I just really wanted to add my heartfelt good wishes this time. It sounds like you are finally empowered to work toward peace and happiness and will get to free yourself from blame, too. It''s great that you and you FI can communicate through this and whatever happens in your relationship now you''ll know the whys and hows. Most importantly, now that the important elements are in place you will make the decisions that are right for you.

So you go, girl! Recovering is hard but it''s such a worthwhile process.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
Ally,
I am really proud of you. I know exactly where you are coming from. It's such a hard thing to deal with. But you are doing a great job!!! Keep going, it will help you more than you can imagine. I am at peace now, but it took many years. Acknowledge it, and overcome it. You are more powerful than what happened to you. I really believe that. You are a strong gal, and brighter days are ahead for you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Lisa
 

snlee

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 6, 2004
Messages
5,891
ally, I''m really proud of you for going to counseling and being so open with him. It takes a lot of courage to do that. I''m glad you have started the healing process and are a much happier person. Congrats on setting a wedding date!
 

Jelly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 19, 2005
Messages
2,518
Ally, you are truly a brave woman and I admire you so much in opening up to all of us.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
Im delighted that you are feeling a lot better ally! It must be such a weight off your mind to be feeling like this now!Good luck with the future and I hope that it all goes well for you
 

flopkins

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2004
Messages
2,025
ally - I am so glad you are starting things fresh; I wish you all the best and I hope things work out wonderfully for you... I''m also of Mara''s opinion you ought to take things slow.. I guess you have til 2008 for the wedding at least!! Enjoy your time in school and healing.
 

Hopes

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 7, 2006
Messages
97
Hi Allycat, I''ve been reading your story for a while and have felt like you are such a talented, amazing individual who didn''t give yourself enough credit, and that your story is so amazing that it can be made into a novel! It''s no wonder all these good-looking guys are attracted to you -- you are very gorgeous inside and out, so eloquent and intelligent and have such a depth to you. Don''t get yourself too down about being angry; it happens to the best of us. I''m glad you have begun your process of healing, and I would echo the thought about being cautious if I didn''t go through something similar recently myself. I was so unwilling to go through with the engagement to my boyfriend of 6 years, for a lot of similar reasons you outlined. There is just that mental stumbling block that once removed, makes everything seems almost silly.

Right now I hope your fiance is helping you through this process, and giving you all the love and caring you need. But make sure he doesn''t go back to drinking or gambling or anything that hurts you! Personally, my guy gets all kinds of wacky about drinking around the holidays, and I just tell him no, you can''t do it. Part of this is about growing up and leaving behind all the things that hurt the person you love -- that includes drinking, doing drugs, being excessively angry, etc. (talking about my own relationship here). Men can and do change if they are strong-willed and know that they need to give up their childish behavior to commit to an adult relationship. Ironically, I think that the interlude I had with a new guy might have helped me cement my decision to go back to my guy and marry him... and maybe that''s also what has happened to you.

I want to say again don''t blame yourself! You know that victims usually blame themselves, you''ve read about it and studied it, but emotionally you may not be able to help it. It''s an opportunity here for you to learn to forgive. Your guy has done things that were not right, and were harmful to your relationship, as have you. But if you can both move past that, if you can forgive him and forgive yourself. I am optimistic for you about your future with your guy, and I hope you all the best!
 

curlygirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 9, 2005
Messages
2,637
Ally, I am so happy for you and proud of you for taking such a big step and confronting your issues. I''m not good with giving advice, so I''m not going to! I just want to say that you have really come a long way and I truly hope that everything works out for you exactly as it should. You deserve to have happiness in your life. Take all the time you need to heal and please know that you have many supporters here who are rooting for you. I wish you all the best--please keep us posted!
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Ally, I am happy to read you are doing so much better! Just makes me grin.


Italy for a honeymoon, anyone?
 

aljdewey

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 25, 2002
Messages
9,143
Ally, I''m really impressed with the steps you''ve taken to help yourself. I know it''s so much easier to talk the talk than to walk the walk, but you''re doing it, and it''s absolutely going to help you.

So happy for you, and glad to see you on a good path.

Take care!
 

hlmr

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 21, 2004
Messages
2,870
Ally:

I just wanted to let you know that it takes a lots of guts to look these demons in the face and concede that they have affected your life adversely, but that you are ready and willing to move on from it and not let it control your relationships!

I, too, had a very nasty experience at nine years of age and it has affected my life in many ways, that I never realized until I was much older.

Take care of yourself, and I hope the healing process will be as quick and powerful as it needs to be for you to feel whole again.

Hugs,

Heather
 
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