I've talked about my family losses. I don't think I've ever mentioned WHY my dad's sudden passing was so hard to ever get over. I was 23. My family didn't tell me about his passing for 3 days. They told my inlaws, my husband (who was away from home), and even the manager where I worked. The shock of that realization was impossible to get over. I felt tremendous guilt and couldn't quite forgive anyone for not telling me. I don't know why they thought that was the better option, I still don't understand it. I would have been devastated, but I would have handled it. I might even have handled it better, having those 3 days to grieve and not care about anything. Big mistake, it changed my life forever, and made it much harder to accept to be honest.
So it became a conspiracy of sorts. Doubly so, because it also meant no one had faith in me to handle myself. So I felt guilt and shame as well as overwhelming grief. It only added to everything, thinking no one trusted me in any way. I would never do that to anyone. Delaying grief also delays healing. ETA: the agreement itself was made between my family and inlaws.
Got early pancreatic cancer 3 years ago. My first thought was that I had 3 weeks to live. Got a resected pancreas and I’m fine but it made me think about what is really important in life. So far so good but it’s possible it could reoccur.
I was kicked in the abdomen by one of my horses when I was 14. ICU for three weeks, up on the floor another six. A year later I had to have major reconstructive surgery to repair some damage that was done. That one moment literally changed the trajectory of my entire life.
At the time I just dealt with it. When you are in a situation like that, at least for me, it was all about survival... which probably includes some denial about what I was going through at the time.
23 years later I can say I wouldn't change a thing. There are so many life lessons I've learned because of that one moment, that I don't know who I would be if it hadn't happened.
I’ve been reading a lot lately about out of body experience and it is totally facinating!
@Calliecake I think they just wanted to wait until my husband got home, but it made it so much more dramatic and traumatic. When I left work that day, they looked at me differently, and I noticed. When I got to the bus stop near home, my husband was there, which he never did. So it became a conspiracy of sorts. Doubly so, because it also meant no one had faith in me to handle myself. So I felt guilt and shame as well as overwhelming grief. It only added to everything, thinking no one trusted me in any way. I would never do that to anyone. Delaying grief also delays healing. ETA: the agreement itself was made between my family and inlaws.
Lost my mom to sudden heart attack in August 2007 and my husband at the time walked out on my two daughters and I in January 2009. In a different state with no job, no money. I was a stay at home mom for seven years. He moved back to California and would wait at the atm for his direct deposit to go in so he could withdraw the money. I didn't think I would survive it honestly. There are a few months that are foggy during this period of time.
I had a mini stroke in 2008 which they found was caused by a hole in my heart and an Atrial Septal Aneurism[think Tedy Bruschi and Bret Michaels]. I was told I was lucky I didn't have a full blown massive stroke. A wake up call for sure as to how fleeting and precious life really is. My entire perspective on life changed. I try and stay positive and in the moment. I've cleared my life of negative people and items that don't make me happy. We had been debating whether to buy a vacation home in FL and after I had my heart fixed we went out and did just that. Life is too short not to enjoy it to it's full extent.
I had experienced a divorce, loss of a parent, loss of a partner, new jobs, relocations, and a medical condition.
The worst and most stressful was relocation that involved selling one property and buying another.
Just grinned and bear it, and managed it as well as I could, remembering that I don't have to do it again if I don't want to. That was 13 years' ago.
DK
I had a life threatening medical emergency when I was 17. I had a drug interaction and my blood pressure went to 280/ 180. I had already lost consciousness and went into cardiac arrest. I had no pulse for 3 minutes. It was assumed I had had a stroke and was transferred to Intensive Care. My parents were told it was sit and wait to see if I regained consciousness to assess the outcome. I woke up very confused hooked up to countless machines with multiple lines in me and wondered if I had been in a car accident (my ribs were so painful). And I remember thinking “why are my shoes still on, I’m in a bed”.
it was astonishing to all that I survived without any significant brain damage.
and yes, I did have an “out of body experience” that some talk about and 40 years later Im still not sure what to make of that.
I just found out one of my closest friends for the past year is a pathological liar... most of what I know about this person is complete bulls*t and they have questionable morals and motives.
If I didn't have trust issues already after my marriage breakup, I sure as hell do now!
@dk168 you are so strong and came through even stronger. I am so sorry for all that loss and pain you experienced.
Thanks missy, sh1t happens to the best of people as they say.
One either collapses in a heap and cries "Why me?", or sticks two fingers up to whatever up there and says "**** you!" and carry on.
I guess I am in the second camp, as life does go on.
DK
I was 5 yrs old the first time I saw my dad punch my mother. That's the moment I realized that the only person I could rely on in life was myself.
@mom2dolls. @Catmom. and @Matata. another group hug in order
my mum had a heart valve replacement at a stage in her life - if we had had a crystal ball - she probably shouldn't have
when she was nearing the end of her dementia journey everything in her was wearing out and forgetting how to work, except her heart
the doctor told my sister she could go on for years in basically a vegetative state
anyway she had been on a very good quality life supporting meal replacement for quite a long time and the doctor asked if maybe we would like it withdrawn
my sister who batteled depression and has major problens with discussion making had mum's power of attorney but didn't know what to do so she asked me to make the decision on my own
i know in theory it was the right thing to do, Gary said it was starving mum to death but she was still feed and watered
however i do feel bad because she seemed to enjoy the high nutrient drink and mum was a foodie
recently Gary's DIL had very bad complication from alcoholism with her liver and was in ICU for a couple of weeks
she said one of the 'drinks' was awful tasting like flour and water and the other was much more palatable and i do wounder about the drink mum was being given
i hate to think it tasted like flour and water
anyway i feel like making that decision was the first real adult decision i had made in my life (at 45)
it's not that i wanted mum to die but her suffering was horrendous and it was being prolonged
i have very mixed feelings about it
I am so sorry Daisy for the loss of your mother and you made the only decision you could have. You gave your mom peace from being in a vegetative prison. Gentle (((hugs))).
thank you dear missy
my mum needed to go be with Dad
they had been apart too long
in my mind the good parts of my mother were already in heaven with my dad,
my sister who is an angry atheist actually found comfort in that thought
the most worst thing was when mum forgot our last name and dad's name and she stopped wearing her ER and wore grandma's one all the time - i guess she could remember it because they remember all this really old stuff from when they were children
when i saw mum the last time she looked dreadful - it wasn't even like she looked like grandma, i have been told than menory will become less prevalent
@mom2dolls. @Catmom. and @Matata. another group hug in order
my mum had a heart valve replacement at a stage in her life - if we had had a crystal ball - she probably shouldn't have
when she was nearing the end of her dementia journey everything in her was wearing out and forgetting how to work, except her heart
the doctor told my sister she could go on for years in basically a vegetative state
anyway she had been on a very good quality life supporting meal replacement for quite a long time and the doctor asked if maybe we would like it withdrawn
my sister who batteled depression and has major problens with discussion making had mum's power of attorney but didn't know what to do so she asked me to make the decision on my own
i know in theory it was the right thing to do, Gary said it was starving mum to death but she was still feed and watered
however i do feel bad because she seemed to enjoy the high nutrient drink and mum was a foodie
recently Gary's DIL had very bad complication from alcoholism with her liver and was in ICU for a couple of weeks
she said one of the 'drinks' was awful tasting like flour and water and the other was much more palatable and i do wounder about the drink mum was being given
i hate to think it tasted like flour and water
anyway i feel like making that decision was the first real adult decision i had made in my life (at 45)
it's not that i wanted mum to die but her suffering was horrendous and it was being prolonged
i have very mixed feelings about it