Looking for real talk from those that have cared for a terminally ill parent

[YadaYadaYada]

First a little background, my MIL is terminally ill, the doctors at Yale are giving her weeks to live. I have written about her before, our relationship is complicated, we have been no contact for the past four years, DH and kids have been in contact, just not me. It all stemmed from a blow up at Christmas years ago when she said some hurtful things and it was too much for me. That is the backstory. Mind you I don't even know if she would be comfortable given that fact with the following suggestion but I have to start somewhere.

DH called yesterday and they are trying to figure out where she is going when she leaves the hospital. She can't go back to her apartment because she lives alone so that meant hospice care. I said we could have her live with us and of course he was shocked I would suggest it since our relationship has been so poor. In fact several family members have made comments, but the thing is that I never hated the woman, she is his mother and I would hope if my mother was dying and it was even an option to live with us that he would extend the olive branch. I'm also getting a lot of doubt from them, that I don't know what I'm getting myself into etc, none of that is especially helpful. Yes, it will be hard work, yes it will be more than a full time job, no rose-colored glasses here.

So I'm looking for some insight from those that have cared for a terminally ill person, because that's really what is helpful in figuring out whether this is something I can handle. She will not be able to be left home alone, luckily I don't work outside the home and most days I don't need to leave the house or can wait until my older son or DH gets home. She has nurses that come to help her and there are many family members who could help us when needed. She gets money from social security that would cover any expenses for food and utilities. Really the biggest part of this will be the dynamics of being a full time caregiver to her while caring for my two kids, pets and running the house in general.

Any thoughts, suggestions are appreciated. TIA!

 

[monarch64]

It seems like you think it is the right thing to do, and as far as you know this is quite temporary. Is there a reason hospice is out of the question? Or will this be like home hospice care, essentially...
I have not personally gone through this, but my mother has been caretaker to my father who has had debilitating bouts of cancer/surgeries since 2003. It is no walk in the park. If you have it in you to deal with whatever this brings for the next few weeks or months, great. If you are worried, now is the time to circle the wagons (I see you are doing that here, but get backup in real life--find support groups, your/her church, use meal signup apps, form a Facebook group if you need to). My mom gets the most support out of social media contacts--she is not much younger than my dad and I know she finds it immensely helpful to just be able to receive prayers and words of encouragement when his health is failing. Now, you are not elderly nor disabled, but you have many other caretaking obligations which is why this will wear on you. Get a plan in place for when you are stretched to your limit. You have my email address; please reach out and let me know what I can do to help, or if I can be a conduit to get you in touch with other PSrs who may be interested. Good luck!

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thanks @monarch for all of your thoughts, it's pretty amazing that your mom has been caring for your dad so many years, I can't even imagine being a long term caregiver, it takes a special person for sure.

Hospice isn't out of the question for any particular reason I just wanted to give DH another option if he would rather not go that route. Actually before his grandmother went into a retirement home I offered to take her but we have a small house and long term we really didn't have a place for her here. That is also a consideration here, we need to find room for her, that is tonight's discussion.

All good points about having support, we have a hospital right up the street so maybe they would have some helpful resources as well. Also thank you so for you offer of support it is greatly appreciated!

 

[Austina]

I’m sorry that I have no practical help to offer, and I think it’s admirable you’re considering doing this, but, how do you think the children will cope having a terminally ill person in the house? I’m not trying to throw a spanner in the works, just wondering if you think they could cope with her dying at your home. I hope this isn’t coming across wrong @StephanieLynn , I just remember that your children are still quite young, and it’ll be really tough for all of you.

 

[Matata]

First thing anyone should do is ask her what she wants to do. She may choose a hospice facility; she may choose to stay with you. Chances are that with only a few weeks to live, she may not be conscious a lot of the time and not at all at the end. Pain management at that point usually means a comatose state. Terminally ill people can sometimes get very mean due to discomfort and medication so be prepared if that happens. They can also become quite placid.
If you have in home nursing/hospice care for med administration, lifting and turning her, helping to bathe her or get her to the bathroom if she is still able, you can do this if you choose to. It won't be easy on a whole lot of levels regardless of the status of the relationship between the two of you.

 

[stracci2000]

Wow, Stephanie! This is an incredible thing you are offering.
I have no advice, but to say that I think you are a wonderful person.
I hope whatever happens, that it works out for all involved((hugs))

 

[VRBeauty]

I’ve been there. My mother died at home, just a week or two after she entered in-home hospice. A year later my brother returned to my parents’ home (four years later, i still think of this as my parents’ house rather than my father’s... hmmm...) to go into hospice there. He was there about two months before he died of cancer.

I’ll say this - it isn’t easy. And I would seriously consider in-home hospice if that’s an option. But it can also be rewarding. My brother’s time in hospice, especially, was filled with friends coming by to share memories and love. And in both cases, it was the right thing to do.

I’ll post more later. But for now I’ll just add - big kudos to you for considering doing this, in spite of your recent disagreements with your mother-in-law. As for your kids... my guess is that what they’ll eventually take from the experience depends on large part on how you and your husband approach it and discuss it with them. My guess is their lasting impressions will not be of trauma, but of love and family ties.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@Austina, no that's a good point and something to discuss with DH for sure. Our four year old probably wouldn't really grasp the whole concept if she died here but the older one is eleven and very sensitive so that is a concern for him.

@Matata, we absolutely want to honor her wishes, the barrier this for has been the morphine they are giving her completely knocks her out. So they just today decided to only give it on request vs periodically throughout the day. It is very difficult because DH has been trying to find out what her wishes are as far as burial etc but she has not been in a conscious state to discuss any of that.

@stracci2000, thanks for the kind words, I lost my mother at a young age and couldn't do anything to help her so I will do everything possible to help in this case.

@VRBeauty, thank you so much for your input, not sure if in-home hospice is an option, I know she has nursed that come periodically during the week but they are not there all the time. Also I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom and brother. My mom and his will both die from cancer, it is a horrible disease!

 

[Ally T]

I can’t help with any advice, my darling, but I think when it comes down to it, us women spring into action & do the right thing. Big hugs to you x

 

[Slickk]

I am sorry you and your family have to face this. It’s really rough. I too took care of my mom in her final weeks. My father had passed five weeks prior to her and it was the worst of times.

I had hospice come in and it was very helpful. They provided the meds, the hospital bed (which had to be placed in my formal LR as mom couldn’t do steps any longer), oxygen and whatever else we needed. Also, they offer counseling and that was immeasurably helpful. I also had home nurse aides come in to help her and give me some respite, if only for an hour or two.

I’ll write more as I think of things but you have gotten good advice above about having a plan in place if you should need to have time away. And yes, a terminal patient can get angry and take it out on those around them so prepare for that. But they usually do sleep a lot due to the meds and pain.
Again, I am so sorry for your family...and wish only the best for you.

 

[Tekate]

@StephanieLynn my mother, aunt and brother all had in home hospice, it's a very good organization, not always perfect, the nurses can sometimes be very tired and overworked but it is somewhere you can call for information right away and when your loved one dies they come and clean up and leave one alone with their loved one, it was very helpful as my aunt died on 2/6 and hospice was just wonderful.. I think Monnie said to ask your MIL what she wants and I think that is the first step. when I was 12, my sister 14, and my brothers were 7 and 8, my grandmother lived with us for 4 months before she died and I was glad I had the time with her but it was very hard for me to see her in such a state (she had a stroke, today there is a much more proactive approach to stroke victims).. I wouldn't change anything Stephanie for me. I am sorry for this going on, I think you are a good human and recognize that in life there is the regular day and the days one has to step up and do with love what is required.

 

[MamaBee]

@StephanieLynn Although my 93 year old mom lives with me I don’t have any experience to offer. I just wanted to say I think you are a wonderful person to want to do this for her at the end of her life..especially given your relationship with her. Your husband is very lucky to have you..
I did think the same thing that @Austina mentioned..that it could be traumatic for your young children to witness this..I would speak to a child psychologist or her pediatrician at the least to get their opinion.....{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[AGBF]

My mother passed away in a nursing home in 2008 and my father passed away at home with an aide and hospice care in 2017. I had been caring for my father alone for quite some time before I hired his aide. His aide was a CNA (certified nurses' aide) and fabulous. I still feel terrible about my mother who died alone. My father's situation was far better for all of us. He was with us all the time and I am guilt-free about his death.

If you bring your mother-in-law into your home, you need a full-time aide as well as hospice. I actually have someone in Connecticut whom you might be able to hire if he is still between jobs: the man who cared for my father in his last year or so. You need someone who can be with your mother-in-law around the clock. Hospice is great and provides a pain-free passing.

Good luck, my friend. You are a sweetheart.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Bron357]

You are a wonderful person.
However, dont underestimate what her medical requirements at home might be and the impact of that on your families home life - she will require administration of drugs, catheters, personal care, showering, turning, lifting etc. Many of these may require professional help and “emergencies” during the night may be very stressful on you and the family if you can’t get help out to her. As she becomes iller she may become aggressive and combative, personality changes aren’t uncommon and it can be quite a shock when a previously pleasant person turns into a very very unpleasant person.
Also it will affect the family in that someone will always have to be at home with her and you may have a never ending stream of other people (nurses/ carers etc) through your front door. You may feel rather invaded by strangers.
And finally, my father was given 3 to 6 months to live almost 3 years ago. He is still with us!
Sending you and your family hugs. Hoping her remaining time is peaceful.

 

[House Cat]

I have no advice. I just want to tell you that I admire your spirit.

 

[whitewave]

First a little background, my MIL is terminally ill, the doctors at Yale are giving her weeks to live. I have written about her before, our relationship is complicated, we have been no contact for the past four years, DH and kids have been in contact, just not me. It all stemmed from a blow up at Christmas years ago when she said some hurtful things and it was too much for me. That is the backstory. Mind you I don't even know if she would be comfortable given that fact with the following suggestion but I have to start somewhere.

DH called yesterday and they are trying to figure out where she is going when she leaves the hospital. She can't go back to her apartment because she lives alone so that meant hospice care. I said we could have her live with us and of course he was shocked I would suggest it since our relationship has been so poor. In fact several family members have made comments, but the thing is that I never hated the woman, she is his mother and I would hope if my mother was dying and it was even an option to live with us that he would extend the olive branch. I'm also getting a lot of doubt from them, that I don't know what I'm getting myself into etc, none of that is especially helpful. Yes, it will be hard work, yes it will be more than a full time job, no rose-colored glasses here.

So I'm looking for some insight from those that have cared for a terminally ill person, because that's really what is helpful in figuring out whether this is something I can handle. She will not be able to be left home alone, luckily I don't work outside the home and most days I don't need to leave the house or can wait until my older son or DH gets home. She has nurses that come to help her and there are many family members who could help us when needed. She gets money from social security that would cover any expenses for food and utilities. Really the biggest part of this will be the dynamics of being a full time caregiver to her while caring for my two kids, pets and running the house in general.

Any thoughts, suggestions are appreciated. TIA!

Do you have any hospice facilities she could go to? My GFIL went to DH’s hospital’s inpatient hospice and it was awesome.

To be honest, caregiving is for the birds. I personally can’t handle it.

Good luck. Make sure you get lots of breaks.

 

[Mcgregor]

You mentioned Yale so I assume that you live in Connecticut. Social workers at Yale should be your first resource to advise and help you find whatever care you are looking for. Branford has the first hospice hospital and many hospitals and convalescent homes around the state have services available in home. Google hospice in Connecticut and you may be able to find services available in your area.
Without knowing your MIL’s financial situation, the Department of Social Services has several programs which may help your mother. DSS also has social workers who may be able to help with decision making.

ct.gov/departments and agencies/Department of Social Services. At the bottom of the page will be “directories”. Hit that and it will take you to “ask a question”.

On a personal level my father lived with us for three years after my mother passed away. When my father passed away away in 2001 my children were eight and eleven. Their heartbreak was palpable. The depth of their grief was as deep as their love for their grandfather. I questioned our decision to do this to our children so many times. Seventeen years later I see attributes in my children missing in others their age and I am sure that inner resources they have to draw on today are a result of a very difficult love lost and tremendous growth on their part, even at such an early age.
This will be difficult for your family no matter how you look at it. I give all of you credit for investigating what is best for all. You are all to be commended.

 

[missy]

@StephanieLynn I have no words of wisdom to offer that have not yet been offered here. I would definitely check with your MIL to make sure this is what she wants.

My parents took care of my grandfather when he was in the last year of his life and it was hard. Though they always took care of him in a way after my grandmother died as they only lived a few blocks from him and my mom did his laundry and cooking and cleaning and my dad took care of taking him to doctor's appointments etc. it was different when he got very sick at the end of his life. Definitely make sure you and your MIL are surrounded by healthcare professionals to help you as you cannot do it all.

And sending you lots of good thoughts and (((hugs))). This is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and it will be a heartbreaking gift of strength, love, devotion and dedication. I think you are doing a wonderful thing given the history you have with your MIL and it speaks volumes about who you are. (((Hugs))).

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Hey all,

Sorry I haven't responded today but we are headed up to Yale for a visit. We are still talking about bringing her here but DH thinks she may not go that route because she will not be allowed to smoke living with us and that may be the deciding factor for her.

They dialed back the morphine and she is a lot more alert today, up to this point is has been difficult to talk to her because she was so heavily medicated. That's what we have for now but I'll be back to update and respond later. I really appreciate all the thoughts and well wishes

 

[AGBF]

Hey all,

Sorry I haven't responded today but we are headed up to Yale for a visit. We are still talking about bringing her here but DH thinks she may not go that route because she will not be allowed to smoke living with us and that may be the deciding factor for her.

Your mother-in-law will not be able to smoke wherever she is if she is on oxygen. At least that is my understanding. Perhaps she can use electronic cigarettes? I just know that oxygen really helps with discomfort at the end of life and it does not mix with the flame that goes with cigarette smoking.

Deb

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

We supported my mom, who took care of my dad and we were all there when he passed. You're a sweetheart to propose this and knowing she has options is already something someone in this situation will appreciate very much.
In spite of all the medical help we had, my mom was extremely exhausted physically and emotionally after this time and hasn't been herself ever since. My sister, who held my dad during the last hour has had signs of ptsd and needed grief counseling and therapy. In hindsight we still wouldn't change a thing because we are completely convinced we allowed our beloved dad and in mom's case husband of over 40years to pass on in peace surrounded by love. We all also grew spiritually from the experience. But it does take a toll on everyone involved. If you end up caring for her, make sure you get all the appropriate help and an in home hospice team.
Regarding the children, you'll know best as their mom. But if supported accordingly, I think they'll grow from this into more mature adults.

 

[pearlsngems]

My mother had in-home hospice through Hartford Healthcare while in her Independent Living apartment with a 24/7 caregiver, and it was still tough on the caregiver. I know I could never have managed in my home. It would have been too heavy work for me physically. I also had no kids at home and was not working outside the home but still it would have been too hard, round the clock. By the end she was bed-bound.

Hartford Healthcare had a wonderful hospice program, should you decide to go that route. Medicare pays for in-home hospice care. They set up the hospital bed and oxygen, give you whatever medications the patient needs and also a refrigerator pack of palliative meds with instructions on use, and send a nurse 2-3x per week to check in. You have access to chaplain and social services also. When they deem the patient to be likely to die within a week, a nurse comes full time. (However, in my case Mom died before they expected it to happen, so we didn't have the full time nurse.)

We were told that in CT when someone dies at home not in hospice care, the police have to come and process the situation as a possible homicide. By contrast, when my mother died, all we had to do was call the hospice nurse who certified the death. Then I simply called the funeral home with which we had made arrangements, and they came to get her. I would advise anyone to utilize hospice care.

And she won't be allowed to smoke wherever she goes, not only because of the oxygen but also because of general smoking prohibitions if she is in a healthcare facility.

Is The Connecticut Hospice in Branford an option?

Editing again to add: How long a person has to live is only an estimate. Sometimes people live on longer than expected; once she is in your home, can you cope if the situation goes on much longer than the doctors expect?

 

[AGBF]

My mother had in-home hospice through Hartford Healthcare while in her Independent Living apartment with a 24/7 caregiver, and it was still tough on the caregiver. I know I could never have managed in my home. It would have been too heavy work for me physically. I also had no kids at home and was not working outside the home but still it would have been too hard, round the clock. By the end she was bed-bound.

Hartford Healthcare had a wonderful hospice program, should you decide to go that route. Medicare pays for in-home hospice care. They set up the hospital bed and oxygen, give you whatever medications the patient needs and also a refrigerator pack of palliative meds with instructions on use, and send a nurse 2-3x per week to check in. You have access to chaplain and social services also. When they deem the patient to be likely to die within a week, a nurse comes full time. (However, in my case Mom died before they expected it to happen, so we didn't have the full time nurse.)

We were told that in CT when someone dies at home not in hospice care, the police have to come and process the situation as a possible homicide. By contrast, when my mother died, all we had to do was call the hospice nurse who certified the death. Then I simply called the funeral home with which we had made arrangements, and they came to get her. I would advise anyone to utilize hospice care.

This is an absolutely fabulous summary of hospice care in Connecticut. Thank you for taking the time to write it out so carefully and thoughtfully, pearlsngems.

re: the toughness on the caregiver. That is why I recommended a live-in aide to StephanieLynn. I needed one for my father prior to his needing hospice. He had become so frail that he was a fall risk and needed constant supervision. When he fell and at the same time my daughter had a psychiatric hospitalization, I couldn't care for two people in different places at once, so I hired the aide.

 

[VRBeauty]

My mother had in-home hospice through Hartford Healthcare while in her Independent Living apartment with a 24/7 caregiver, and it was still tough on the caregiver. I know I could never have managed in my home. It would have been too heavy work for me physically. I also had no kids at home and was not working outside the home but still it would have been too hard, round the clock. By the end she was bed-bound.

Hartford Healthcare had a wonderful hospice program, should you decide to go that route. Medicare pays for in-home hospice care. They set up the hospital bed and oxygen, give you whatever medications the patient needs and also a refrigerator pack of palliative meds with instructions on use, and send a nurse 2-3x per week to check in. You have access to chaplain and social services also. When they deem the patient to be likely to die within a week, a nurse comes full time. (However, in my case Mom died before they expected it to happen, so we didn't have the full time nurse.)

We were told that in CT when someone dies at home not in hospice care, the police have to come and process the situation as a possible homicide. By contrast, when my mother died, all we had to do was call the hospice nurse who certified the death. Then I simply called the funeral home with which we had made arrangements, and they came to get her. I would advise anyone to utilize hospice care.

And she won't be allowed to smoke wherever she goes, not only because of the oxygen but also because of general smoking prohibitions if she is in a healthcare facility.

Is The Connecticut Hospice in Branford an option?

Editing again to add: How long a person has to live is only an estimate. Sometimes people live on longer than expected; once she is in your home, can you cope if the situation goes on much longer than the doctors expect?

This hospice set-up is similar to what we experienced with my mother and my brother. Hospice is essentially Switching from treating an illness or disease to easing pain at the end of life. Hospice services are usually covered by insurance or Medicare.

Here are my additional thoughts about my experiences: providing in-home care for a loved one is tough. When my mother was dying, there were almost always at least two of us with grown kids in the house, usually it was myself and s brother and sister-in-law. Hospice is a wonderful service, but the nurses aren’t always there when you have a question and your calls aren’t always answered as soon as you would like. We tried to do too much on our own, especially at first. We tried too hard to keep the home- like environment for my mother - if I had that to do over, we would have had the hospital bed brought in right away rather than trying to move her from the living room to the bedroom after she was, in effect, no longer ambulatory. We only hired private nurses or trained aids to help out once or twice - I’d do that more often - more on that later.

The hardest part of my experience with my mother was that for a long time, my most vivid memories were of her at that time - the deterioration of her faculties and ability to communicate, her irrationality and anger, and her pain. Over the past three or four years the memories of those few weeks did eventually recede to their rightful niche, but it didn’t happen right away.

My mother was a nurse who worked post-operative wards and witnessed many deaths in a hospital setting and - having lived in a war-torn country - elsewhere. But we’re a first generation immigrant family, and as a family, we had not had to deal with death “up close” before (my mother’s parents had both died before she turned twenty.) I know my mother really didn’t know what hospice can and cannot do before she opted for it - and the rest of us certainly didn’t. I sometimes wonder whether she would have opted for in home hospice had she kknown how difficult it would be for us. But there are no live-in hospice centers near my parents’ community, so the choice was one of caring for her at home or having others care for her in a nursing facility.

When my brother chose hospice he had already been in and out of hospitals and acute care facilities – more in them out – for almost 2 years. His wife had been at his side much of that time, and she learned how to care for him at home and knew when to consult with a doctor. As a family we also had my mother’s hospice experience “under our belt,”. My brother was in hospice, in the family home, for two months. Long-time friends came by to visit and reminisce. He also made it very clear as to when he wanted feeding to start in a written directive dictated to his wife, which helped us as we worked with the hospice team. His hospice experience - and our - was very different than my mother’s.

A close friend in another state stayed with his family for much of the terminal phase of his cancer, and then moved into a hospice facility when his family could no longer care for him and keep him comfortable at home. That really seemed like the ideal situation, and one I’d certainly explore if it were available locally.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@Alex T, thank you for your words of support!

@Sandeek, from what DH has told me she already has hospice care in place for her prior apartment so it would just be a matter of having the team come here. We also have the benefit of a large Italian family that have really banded together and said they will help however they can. So sorry about the passing of both of your parents in such a short period, I can't imagine how difficult that was to get through.

@Tekate, so DH started the conversation yesterday and she knows now that she can't go back home, she said she would prefer to live with us however she doesn't know that smoking is even an option, if she finds out that hospice will let her smoke I believe she will choose that route. DH didn't want to drop too much on her yesterday so that's a far as the conversation went. Tomorrow I think we will pin down exactly what she wants to do. Also she doesn't know that her dog won't be able to come here because she is dog aggressive and we have three dogs but she wouldn't be able to have the dog as hospice either so SIL is taking her and will bring her to visit her mother four days a week. Lots of moving parts!

@Mamabean, wow 93! Bless your mother, may she continue in good health and how lucky she is to have you to care for her. Thank you for your lovely compliments, I just know that DH would do the same for me if my mother was dying and really at this point any issues we've had are water under the bridge anyways. There is as social worker that is part of her team at Yale so we plan on starting there as far as the effect on the children and I'm sure they can find a pediatric psychologist we can speak with too.

@AGBF thank you so much for your offer, I know she has a full team in place and hospice car in her current apartment so they would start coming here if she decides to live with us. Also a little clarification, she is not currently on oxygen but will need to have it available.

@Bron, thank you for all of your thoughts. Actually something that occurred to me tonight is although we are opening our home to visitors as well as any medical professionals there will need to be a period at night of no visitors from dinner to bedtime as I pointed out to DH we need some degree of normalcy for the kids, especially our older son who is in school.

@House Cat thanks, my spirit can get me in over my head sometimes though lol!

@whitewave, there is actually a hospice she can go to and coincidentally DH's grandmother is on the same campus in a long term care facility so that would be rather ideal. That is an option, up until this point I didn't think it was an option for her to go back to her apartment but apparently I was wrong about that, she might still choose that option as she has started walking, eating and using the bathroom on her own.

@Mcgregor, thank you so much for all of your information and resources. If she goes to hospice it will be at Masonicare in Wallingford, there hasn't been any discussion of an alternate place probably because that is where DH's grandmother is so that would be convenient for her to visit her daughter any time.

@kipari, thank you so much for sharing your experience, no doubt this will be an enormous undertaking, we are still talking about options as we have not presented all of the available options to MIL yet, she has been under heavy medication but they dialed it back so she is much more responsive. We have talked to the kids, especially my older son just to give them an idea of what is going on so far.

@missy, thank you so much for your post and sharing your experience.

@pearlsngems, MIL currently has a team including hospice through Yale and the Smilow Cancer Center. Now from what I've been told she would have in home care but they will not be living with us or available at night. The hospice in Branford I believe was mentioned by someone upthread but I believe the family would want her in the same facility as her mother in Wallingford. Interesting about the smoking, it was one of the doctors at Yale that told my husband that if she is able to walk and go outside they will allow her to smoke in hospice care. We were shocked but perhaps that is not accurate. She is currently on Medicare and they would provide all the necessary equipment to us should she decide to come here.

@VRBeauty, thank you so much for sharing your experiences, it really is very helpful to hear what others have done and gives us more to consider than we may have come up with on our own.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I just wanted to post an update on where we stand currently. Tomorrow we are going back to Yale to lay all of the options out to MIL in terms of where she can live. She is walking and able to use the bathroom on her own again and she is rather insistent on going home. Talking to DH one concern I have is that she is only coming here because of our sons and that once the newness of seeing them consistently wears off she will turn and be combative. Another issue that I thought of today is with visiting, with a school age child we will need to limit visiting hours during the week. For that reason I believe hospice care may be better also we could arrange times during the week where she could consistently see our kids without the immense burden of being cared for in our home.

The pressure is starting to get to me, I'm getting nervous now because the family is really pulling for us to take her, DH really wants her here, he talks about it in the affirmative rather than a possibility. I don't regret putting the offer on the table but I wish he would have waited to share with the family until we worked all the kinks out. Be back tomorrow with an update, thanks for all that have taken the time to weigh in and share it really helps so much!

 

[luv2sparkle]

I have been a care giver. It’s difficult. The days feel long and it’s sometimes so very hard, but often it is just the right thing to do. The benefit to me is knowing I did everything I could to make my loved ones last days as comfortable as I could. No regrets. I would do it again in a minute. I have a difficult relationship with my mother in law, but if need be, I would do the same for her as I did for my mom and aunt. I hope it all goes well for you @StephanieLynn and that there is time for hurt feelings to be resolved. Please get help wherever you can. Even a few weeks is a lot when you are caring for someone as well as your own family. Big hugs.

 

[Slickk]

Thank you @StephanieLynn it was hell losing them so close together for sure. I still do not know how I got through it. But one thing for certain, I can never feel guilty about not doing it and I also cherish those last precious moments we had that were priceless.
Like a PP stated, it was harder to get those images out of my mind afterwards. It took some time to remember mom and dad as they would have wanted to be remembered and not sick and infirm.
It was very difficult emotionally and physically draining (lost 30 pounds during those weeks) but the last thing my mom said aloud to me was, “thank you.” That made (and continues to make) it all worthwhile to me.
Best wishes to you. I think you’ll find it rewarding and it will fill your heart with love and meaning.

 

[partgypsy]

You can try it and she would have some time in a home like environment with family. But if it gets to much, it's ok to change the plan to a regular hospice situation.

 

[Rfisher]

I've been close to your scenario, but not exact.
the only thing I can think of that has not been already mentioned, have you spoke plainly with your husband about what you think you can /cannot do in terms of personal assistance for your MIL? Are you aware of what your husband thinks he can /cannot do? Assistance with personal hygiene may not be an issue right now, but could in the near future.
You won't know what you are capabile of until you try - but being open with each other from the beginning is key. No assumptions.
Best wishes.