3 weeks out...

[cammy85]

My wedding is 3 weeks from Saturday. I have a very dear family friend - she has known my family for almost 30 years, took care of me as a kid when my parents were working and was as close to a ''surrogate parents'' that I think I could have. She was diagnosed with several forms of cancer within the last few months and, as of last month was give 2-4 months left. Sunday, she took a turn for the worst. Last night, the hospice nurse estimated she had 72 hours left to live.

From what I understand, she is sedated and being given pain medication, so she is comfortable, but essentially comatose. I am very relieved that she is not in any pain, but I am devistated and heartbroken right now.

We all knew pretty early on that she wouldn''t be strong enough to make it to the wedding, but now she won''t even be around at all. Before all this, I had planned to stop by the hospice in my wedding dress to see her, and it just breaks my heart to know she can''t. I talked to her on the phone on Sunday after she''d taken a turn for the worst, and that''s the last time I''ll ever get to talk to her.

Because of the events of the past two years (traumatic, but a novel saved for another day), I knew the wedding was going to be a very emotional day, it just seems like this is going to be the icing on the cake. My one grandmother passed away about 8 years ago, my other (who i was also extremely close to) passed less than a year and a half ago. I always had this vision of my closest family members being with me as I got ready for my wedding day. I am just so thankful that i will have my mom around.

I just know that I am going to be so excited that I have my closest friends and family around me for my wedding, but I also know that I will have a giant void in my heart, missing those that I was extremely close with and always imagined as being an integral part of my wedding day. I have a feeling I''m going to have a hard time balancing my emotions and, while I know it''s ok to miss those who can''t be there - I really don''t want that to take away from the fact that so many other people WILL be there, and I want to appreciate that these people love me too and want to celebrate with us. And I want to enjoy myself.

At 3 weeks out, things are already somewhat stressful and overwhelming - with a lot of DIY projects left (mostly printing and cutting thankfully as well as the favors), and we''re currently in the process of buying a house.

I am just not sure what I can do to take a step back and deal with some of this before the actual wedding. It''s going to be a terribly emotional day for everyone, but I want it to be a happy day.

I''m just about {---} this far at any given moment from crying right now, and I''m doing my best to hold myself together, especially at work. But it just hurts.

 

[tlh]

I am sorry to hear that you have lost your loved ones, and that someone you love is slowly drifting away. I love the idea of you visiting her in your wedding dress, and that may be something you can take in your heart on your wedding day. Just know, we keep our loved ones alive in our hearts. Remember them fondly on your wedding day... and they will watch above you like angels.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[katamari]

I am also very sad to hear about what you are going through ((((HUGS)))). I think you should still visit her--maybe with your gown instead of in it. I fully believe that it will sooth her, even if she is too ill to be in cognition. Plus, it will be very meaningful for you to have included her and be with her as she passes.

Also, I hope you remember that if you need time to start grieving, that is absolutely fine. Grief is a unique process and just because you have to continue with your plans for now doesn''t mean that your heart will still not be breaking, even if it also allows you moments of happiness.

 

[cammy85]

I appreciate the thoughts tlh and katamari. I do think of all of them as my angels.

I wish I could visit her, but I am halfway across the country unfortunately. They also don''t predict she is ever going to wake up again.

Greif is definitely unique, and what I don''t like is how unpredictable it is. I''m fine one minute then tearing up the next.

Thank you so much for your input and thoughts.

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m so sorry cammy. I believe you''re going through something similar to what I''ll be going through when our wedding gets close. Unfortunately because it is my mom that recently passed, I''ve had reminders like crazy from wedding vendors (not the only one I have to deal with though) that she''s not around to do wedding stuff with me. "Oh, well if your FI can''t do it, your mom can come instead." Right. And my dad would break down at even a mention of the wedding until he got less sensitive to it as well. It''s an uphill battle. But those closest to you will be there with you on your day in spirit.

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

 

[brandy_z28]

I''m so sorry Cammy! My wedding is 3 weeks away as well and I''m stressing but I have nothing on my plate that even compares to what you''re dealing with.

How would you feel about finding a way to incorporate in your wedding your loved ones that have passed? I''m not sure it would help with the amount of emotion that will be flowing on your big day but it may make you feel a little better to have a photo or a chair or table with special memories dedicated to them set aside for everyone to enjoy and remember them. I feel bad even mentioning it since she hasn''t even passed yet so I''m sure you''re not in a good state to even think about it but I thought I''d mention it. They all live on in your heart and they will be there with you on your big day regardless. (((HUGS)))

 

[GoodSoul]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are right that you should be celebrating with those who can and will be there for you and it''s definitely more than ok to take a moment or some time out of it to mourn/remember/miss your loved ones who cannot be there with you.

Similar to brandy_z28''s suggestions, I have read somewhere that a couple dedicated a small table in remembrance of those who cannot be there for the couple. They had candles and pictures of the loved ones who had passed on and I thought that''s a great way to integrate the lost loved ones to the celebration.

I think it''ll be great if you can stop by on your day to pay her visit. I''m sure she will be very happy and you''ll be too.

There must be a million things to take care right now but you sound like a strong lady. Hang in there and stay strong. Take care.

 

[Bia]

I''m sorry that this has happened to you, especially during such a special time in your life.

I agree that keeping her in your thoughts is the best way to commemorate her. What we all want in the end is to be remembered by those who loved us, and/or those we touched.

((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

 

[Clairitek]

I''m so sorry to hear about those who you''ve lost. I can''t imagine what it would be like to be going through this on the eve of your wedding. It sounds like you are doing your best to find a silver lining in all of this (your mom being there, the others that will come to celebrate with you). I hope that over the next few weeks you are able to devote some happy time to finishing off the final details of the wedding and enjoy your remaining moments as a single girl.

 

[cammy85]

Freke - I am truly sorry for your loss. I can''t begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you, but you are right, they will be with us, and I take comfort knowing that my Aunt will be with me. I really hope you as well as your family are able to find some comfort and enjoy your special day.

Brandy, GoodSoul - I think i am going to carry something with me at the wedding. my e-ring incorporates diamind studs from one of my late grandmothers, I have a sapphire cross necklace from my other grandmother, and I am going to try to find something from my aunt now. I think that will be the best way for me to handle it. I love the idea of having seats or a table to honor them, and I think had I had a little more time between this and the wedding I would have done it. But I think if I see empty seats in their honor I may become too emotional, it''s still going to be a little too fresh. I want to make sure to carry something of theirs with me, that way they''ll feel closer.

Bia - you''re so right. The best thing I can do is remember the wonderful times. I am so incredibly thankful to have someone like her in my life - there are many people who aren''t as fortunate. While it hurts terribly to lose them, I know that I am a better person for having them in my life.

c-tek - i am really trying to find the silver lining - especially considering dragging this out means she''d be suffering because we couldn''t let go. It''s not fair to her. And you''re right, I am so thankful for the family i do have coming. I do plan on enjoying myself, even if it''s finding joy in small moments, but I know she would want me to be happy. I will definitely take your advice and try to enjoy myself as the final details are being taken care of as well as savoring my last few ''single'' weeks.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and perspectives.

And I hate talking about it like she''s already gone, but in a way, she is. We know she isn''t going to improve and it''s only a matter of time, so I''m trying to learn to accept it now instead of denying it and being that much more upset later when it actually does happen.

I''m gonna miss her.

 

[CellarDoor]

I''m sorry.

My mother died almost 4 years ago and it has definitely made this wedding thing very hard. I had a break down the other night because I was perusing wedding dresses online, and for some reason I decided to click on a link to a mother of the bride section.

I don''t really have any advice, just wanted to let you know that I empathize with you.

 

[honey22]

Cammy, I am so sorry you are going through this right now, it must be so hard on you. Take time to greive and work through your feelings, but at the same time remember she would want you to enjoy your special day.

sending lots of hugs

 

[AmberGretchen]

I''m so terribly sorry to hear about your family friend - I am sure she knows how much you care for her and treasured that during her life.

I think that the way you are feeling is actually pretty normal even in the absence of the tragedy you''ve had to deal with - weddings are incredibly emotional times, but not all emotions are positive even under the best of circumstances.

I know this may be tough, but if you possibly can, try to take a step back and find some time for yourself. I know it seems like a big deal, but honestly, if every last little detail doesn''t get done in time, you will still end up married and happy together, and at the end of the day, that''s all that really matters.

 

[LauraBabe08]

Cammy,

I am going through a similar situation right now. My grandfather means so much to me and this summer he suddenly got diagnosed with a brain tumor. He has declined very quickly, and is now confined to his bed. He will not attend my wedding. I go through periods of thinking about it and then I start to cry. He is at home, with my grandmother and my mom is helping him a lot, as well as my other aunts and uncles. I visit as much as I can, although its difficult b/c I live 3.5 hrs away. I just pray for him and that he is comfortable. I am accepting it more and more but its not easy and I know that he would want me to have a good time at my wedding and not be sad because of him.

Anyway, I guess I can relate and I know that we can both get through this.

How is your planning going? I can''t believe our weddings are almost here! Its getting more and more real and I am just so excited for the big day!!

 

[cammy85]

Well i found out yesterday that she passed earlier in the afternoon. I also asked my mom last night if her sister (another Aunt I''m close to) would be able to help me get ready the day of the wedding. She was thrilled apparently that I wanted her to help out, and i think it will make it easier for all of us to be with each other that day. We can all either lose it or keep it together and it''ll be ok. And of course, I realize another reason i''m so emotional is that I''ve lost 2 close relatives to cancer, and my mom is a cancer survivor. So I know how lucky I am to still have her with me. I really need to think about that more.

CellarDoor - I am so terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I know how difficult it is to think about my wedding day and not having my Aunt or two grandmothers there, but I can''t imagine what you are feeling. I hope you are able to find some comfort and know that she''s with you.

honey - you''re right she''d want me to enjoy myself, I think that''s going to be my biggest hurdle. having fun and having a few drinks and dancing, but knowing that there are several people I am missing terribly that can''t be there. But she would be having absolute kittens if she thought that I was ever unhappy because of her haha, so I''m going to do my best and have fun, because she would have wanted me to.

AmberGretchen - I never really realized how emotional I was going to get over the whole wedding thing. One minute I''m crying because of the people that can''t be there, the next minute I''m crying because I''m so thankful to be so blessed with a wonderful family, a wonderful fiance, and a wonderful family of future in-laws. I know how lucky I am, but I also know how much I''m hurting, and I am having a really tough time sorting through emotions. It all comes as one giant wave. More like a tsunami. thanks for the reminder to take a step back. Before all this, I was pretty chill about everything - if the favor tags don''t get done, whatever, people aren''t going to tell me it''s the worst wedding they''ve ever been to, and I''ll still be married. Now I''m trying not to put my energy into being upset, so I''m trying to distract myself with wedding and house things. I''m scared by giving myself alone time, I''m going to think about everything. Which I need to realize isn''t a bad thing. We have to greive. I just wish I didn''t have to right now. But unfortunately, these things don''t happen on our schedule. We just have to roll with the punches. I can still tell, though, that underneath all the hurt, I still have that same giddy excitedness that I am going to have a husband in three weeks. So I know it''s still there. I just have to let it bubble up at some poitn and not feel guilty for being excited.

LauraBabe - Hey date twin! I am really really sorry to hear aobut your grandfather. I can certainly empathize. my Aunt was diagnosed with the three separate cancers probably around 8 months ago or so, and it was pretty much all downhill from there. They took care of her brain tumor with radiation, but the stomach and lung cancer were too advanced and too aggressive. They mistakenly IDed the lung cancer as asthma for a long time I think. My grandmother had about the same timeframe as well - though hers was esophogeal cancer. I''m glad you''re determined to have a good time, especially with all the people who are able to make it. Is there any chance you could go see him prior or after the wedding for a little bit, then he could at least have a share in the joy? that might help you a little bit. I am deciding for myself that it''s ok if I''m a little sad on my wedding day, but I refuse to let that sadness take away from the joy of the day and from all those people who are making a special trip to share in this day with me. I think it''s ok to be sad. Just be able to let go of it for at least a little bit. (Easier said than done, though...)

the planning itself is moving along. We''re getting a lot of stuff finished this ewekend so that all that''s left are the favors which have to be completed about a week or two before the wedding. Nothing like cutting it close to put a little pep in your step. hah. How about yourself?

 

[luvbug]

Aww Cammy - Just wanted to send you hugs. I''m so sorry for your loss.
It sounds like you are going to have some wonderful women with you on your wedding day & you''ll have your beloved friend in your thoughts and your heart.

((((((HUGS))))))

 

[cammy85]

thanks luvbug, I will have a lot of amazing women with me.

I could so use a puppy hug right now.

 

[LauraBabe08]

I am doing pretty well - still need to finish favors (ordered boxes of truffles from local chocolate shop - 4 per box. I purchased black satin ribbon that I am going to tie on each box), programs, music list for DJ, menu cards, place cards, etc etc etc. I am getting it done slowly but surely with a lot of help from my mom. I do have off from work starting the mon evening before my wedding, so I will get a lot done in that final week. Its kinda hard now b/c I live in MD and wedding is in PA. I will be in PA for the week before wedding so things will be much easier then. Anyway, its all fun stuff, but def a little overwhelming right now. I am just trying to enjoy it all and not stress to much! Keep me updated on how you''re doing cammy - we''re exactly 3 weeks away!!!