Pregnancy and TTC After a Loss

Hi Ladies - some of you know that I had a miscarriage on Sunday and obviously, I need a break from everything and just need time to heal. As I sit at home trying to rest, I''ve been surfing the net (and watching the Michael Jackson memorial..lol) tryiing to get some answers or at least find some comfort in the fact that others have gone through this and have gotten pregnant successfully after their loss.

My doctor told me to wait until I get an actual period before starting again. I went back through the TTC thread and realized that Mela had her miscarriage around the time I''m having mine. I also saw that Radiantgirl had one as well and like Mela, had a successful pregnancy. I know there are so many of you that went through the same thing I''m going through right now. Cara, my preggo twin, you also can relate to what I''m going through and maybe we just need a place to talk about everything.

I would love to hear from those of you who have gone through this and had successful pregnancies afterwards. Any advice on how long to wait or vitamins to take, etc. would also be greatly appreciated.

I have also been reading about how women are extra fertile after having a miscarriage, just wondering if anyone knew why?

I feel like I need to keep my spirits up and find a place where I can lean on others who have been through the same thing. Hopefully, this thread will give me that. I knew I couldn''t stay away for very long!

Blushing - again, I''m so sorry for your loss. No two ways about it, it just sucks. I am glad that you won''t end up needing a D&C or meds though. And, as much as it sucks to say this at such a time, I did feel better that I knew that I could produce an egg, DH''s sperm could fertilize it, and it could implant. That proves that a lot of things are working in your body. It sure doesn''t give you any answers about why the baby didn''t stick around though.

I haven''t had a successful pregnancy yet after either of our losses, but as you know, I''m hormonally challenged and DH has his own set of problems, so we''re certainly no role models. The cycle after my real miscarriage (the other was more of a chemical), I definitely felt more fertile than normal. It was a longer cycle, but I had crazy amounts of EWCM. The only reason we didn''t try that cycle was because DH was in India.

I think the theory as to why you may be more fertile right afterwards has something to do with the higher levels of progesterone and estrogen that were circulating through your body while you were pregnant. I would think that when those high pituitary-suppressing levels drop, your pituitary would put out more FSH than usual, and might lead to development of more than one follicle. Just my own theory though. Good progesterone levels in the previous cycle are supposed to help with making the hypothalamus-pituitary-ovarian axis work the way it should, according to my first RE.

Hopefully some of the others who''ve had success after their losses will chime in and tell you what they thing.
Kate

Hi, Blushing! I am so very sorry for your loss. It is such a tough thing to go through and I hope you are doing okay. Just know that it does get easier with time, even though you probably don't feel like it will right now. Anyway, to answer your question, we got pregnant last November, and at 7 weeks, had our first ultrasound and found no heartbeat . I had to go in for a D&C which was no fun at all. My doctor told me to wait 3 cycles to start trying again, and honestly I think I really needed that time to grieve over the loss. So we started trying again in March, and got pregnant again in May. So far, this time has been going well, and I am 10 weeks along right now. I think you should start trying again when you are emotionally ready for it....this time, I am really a bundle of nerves, and I will feel better once I reach the 2nd trimester, but it is not just the fun and excitement of the previous times because I have been so worried. So just take some time to grieve and let your body recover from everything and take care of yourself....you will know when it feels right to start trying again.

Blushing, I am so sorry for your loss.

I had a missed miscarriage in March. I was 11 weeks pregnant, the fetus had stopped developing at 9 weeks but we didn't find out until the nuchal scan. I'd been spotting since week 7 and was very concerned (I wouldn't have opted for the scan except that I knew I would get an ultrasound). I'd had two ultrasounds prior, due to spotting on and off beginning week 7, both showed a little fetus devoloping as it should have been. I opted for a D&C, performed in the hospital under general anesthetic.

There's no remedy and nothing can take away the pain. I was a disaster for about a month following the loss (crying on a daily basis, angry, sad, frustrated, confused). I bled for 3 weeks following the D&C, which was a constant reminder or the horrific thing I'd just experienced. The feelings waned a bit at that point and have continued to do so, but I still mourn the potential of life that was, think of my due date often, wonder what that baby would have been like and how it would have fit into our life.

I am pregnant again, just barely. My doctor told us to wait one cycle and then we were free to begin trying again. I know many are told 3 months, and I asked her about it. She shared that in her practice she has observed an increased chance of miscarriage in about 10% of patients who decide not to wait 1 cycle, but otherwise the waiting is for emotional reasons and it was up to us to determine when we were ready. We waited the cycle we were told and tried for two months, with success on the second month. I couldn't imagine waiting any longer, I am so ready and looking forward to being a mom and that pregnancy feels like time lost.

I am literally 4 weeks and a few days pregnant today. I am scared, very scared. And oh so excited that things will work out as I hope them to this time around. It has definitely changed my perspective of pregnancy, I am much less euphoric this time around. But I am also hopeful and thrilled.

The miscarriage had its silver lining. My husband now seems so very ready to be a dad, where as before there was some nervousness on his part now he's confident and excited. We have grown as a couple; we are so much closer and stronger than we were before. I've also grown much closer to some friends as a result. We hadn't told anyone I was pregnant, with the exception of people I worked for who needed to know (lots of MD appts. due to bleeding) when I miscarried. I have since confided in some friends who have been amazingly supportive and loving. And this experience has really grown me up in a lot of ways. I am more confident, stronger, and more sure of myself and what I can handle.

It sucks, plain and simple, it's changed me, but it does get better, I promise.

I've followed your story for some time (I am a regular poster but I'm not comfortable sharing any of this under my normal user name as my family has no idea I had a miscarriage and I'm really not ready to announce this pregnancy) and I know how badly you want to be a parent. Give yourself the time you need, take care of yourself, give yourself permission to feel anything and everything that you do and feel no guilt about any of it. Lean on those you trust and love and know that whatever happens you are strong enough to survive it and move forward.

So sorry to hear of your loss, Blushing Bride. I normally lurk on the pregnancy thread but wanted to reach out and let you know I had a very similar experience back in October. Miscarried at 8 weeks but the baby actually hadn''t developed past 6 weeks. Passed everything naturally and didn''t need a D&C. I was absolutely devastated and cried everyday for about a month afterwards. My hubby was amazing throughout it all and gradually the days got a little easier. It took about 6 weeks for my period to come back but we started trying again after that. Sex the first time after the miscarriage was another emotional hurdle for me. We waited pretty much until it was time to TTC after getting my period back - by that point, I was in a much better space mentally. My big fears were a) that I''d have to wait for a long time to conceive again and b) that it would happen again. It didn''t though and we got lucky our first try out of the gate. I''m now 32 weeks pregnant with a little girl, due 9/4.

It was a terrible couple of months after it happened but looking back, I can say that it definitely brought my husband and I even closer together than we were and it''s had another silver lining in that I''ve been able to provide support for some friends that have gone through it as well. Unfortunately, it really is very common. Take your time to cry it all out but make sure to do things to treat yourself too. For me, wine and icecream were at the top of the list pretty much every night!

I am so sorry blushing. But at least have faith in the fact that you *can* get pregnant on your own and that your DH doesn''t have any issues. It might not be much at this point, but at least it''s something positive out of all this. I know it will happen again for you. Hugs!

blushing- I'm so sorry. I wish you strength and comfort as you recover from this.

You Said "I would love to hear from those of you who have gone through this and had successful pregnancies afterwards", so while I have not gone through it myself, I did want to give you some encouragement. My mom actually has had several miscarriages. At one point 3 in a row. However, I am one of SIX kids. Oldest is 27, youngest is 5. She is 47 now, so the youngest was born when she was 42. Clearly, not only did she not have trouble conceiving again, but she had 6 full term healthy babies (even more impressive is the age in which this happened with the last one). So please just keep in mind that MANY women have miscarriages and go on to have perfectly healthy babies full term.

Again my thoughts are with you during this difficult time. Take time to recover and regroup, and you'll be back with exciting news in thr future.

This great - thank you so much!!! I''ve enjoyed reading everyone''s posts and truly appreciate them!

Drk and Steph - I know you both have gone through your share of ups and downs (I''ve been apart of both of your journies). I''m so excited for both of you and know that you two will have happy and healthly babies after your nine months. Thank you for chiming in and sharing your experiences.

Italiahaircolor - thanks

Obladee - your story was very touching. I''m happy to hear you are pregnant again and understand your fear of "what if it happens again." It''s hard for me because yes, I''m mourning but, my best friend is two weeks ahead of me - a constant reminder of where I should be in my pregnancy. I know that DH will grow from this - we already feel so much closer. Pregnancy can bring you closer, but this REALLY brings you even closer than when we found out we were pregnant. It''s amazing, I feel so lucky. I''m wishing you all the best.

Lucy08 - wine and ice cream just might do the trick for us too! My office just sent over Crumbs cupcakes and godiva chocolates so, I''m looking foward to dipping into that tonight! Your story gives me so much hope and congratulations for second pregnancy - you and your DH must be thrilled and looking forward to Sept. Best of luck to you and thank you for sharing!

Laila - I certainly can hold that faith that we can get pregnant. Granted it''s taken a year for that to happen. This past time we tried doing a few things differently which worked so, we are going to try those things again once we get the go ahead from our Dr. My HSG levels were at 6,000 on Sunday and down to 1,000 yesterday so, that''s a good sign I guess.

Nakedfinger - wow - what a great story! If that doesn''t give me hope, I don''t know what will! Kudos for your mom never losing hope. I know that this is very common, it''s just going to make the next go around less enjoyable, but I need to think positive!

Blushing My grandmother was like NakedFinger''s mom -- six kids but 3 m/cs along the way and I believe a still born child as well Times were different then, but I suspect that the more pregnancies a woman has the more likely it is that she will experience this tragedy, so women of our mother''s and grandmother''s generations probably experienced this so often!

I wanted to share one of my close friend''s stories. It took her about 7 months to get pg, and when she went for her 12 week u/s they discovered the baby had stopped developing around week 7. Like obladee, she had been spotting a lot. Although she did miscarry her baby and knew when it occurred, unfortunately she had to have a D&C as well because it was taking too long naturally to be healthy, which she said was very very hard. I know she mourned the loss deeply in her heart, but at the same time she wanted to TTC again as soon as possible. As soon as she got her period, which I believe was about 2 months after the loss, they TTC again and she got pg within about 3 months! Her pregnancy was uneventful and her son is now 3.5 years old.

Big HUGS to you and MrBlushing.

i just wanna say that i have positive hopes for crmi.....are u still going to stick with them once u are ready? i am devastated for u but i am so optimistic for ur future! please stay well!!! keep us posted.

blushingbride - i''m am so sorry to hear this. i have not gone through a pregnancy myself so i''m not sure what to say...i''m just at a lost for words at the moment. i will say that my thoughts and prayers are with you and i hope you''ll have a speedy recovery.

Dreamer - I always find comfort in your posts. You are so insightful and always positive to us TTCers (always cheering us along so we never lose hope). Thank you for sharing your mom''s story as well as your friend''s. I''m so happy I started this thread - it''s making me feel TONS better knowing I''m not alone in this (not that I ever thought I was, but this just confirms it).

NYC - yes I''m continuing with CRMI! My RE was so sad to DH and I yesterday. She said, "I thought I saw the last of you two at your ultrasound last week." I said, "I guess you couldn''t get rid of us that easily." I''m going back to see her on July 22nd (ironically, the same day I was supposed to see my OB for the first time ). She reassured us that we WILL be back again sometime soon with happy news and is only going to make us go through a couple cycles before starting me on clomid or with another procedure. She doens''t want us to wait another year again and neither do we. So, I take comfort in knowing we''ll be in good hands going forward. Thank you so much for all your advice regarding CRMI! You are a blessing to me.

Vip - thank you

Blushing - I just want to say I''m so sorry for your loss.

I''m not sure if what I''m about to say is going to help or comfort you in any way, but I hope so. I have a friend who got pregnant shortly before her wedding and ended up having a miscarriage. Although the pregnancy was not planned, she and her fiance were very sad and grieved the loss. About a year later after she had gotten married, she was on birth control and got pregnant again. Again - the pregnancy had not been planned (she was on birth control!) but obviously her earlier miscarriage had no impact at all on her ability to conceive again! She just gave birth to a beautiful adorable baby girl about a month ago.

Another story - my grandmother gave birth to a stillborn the first time she had a baby. Her next pregnancy she had a miscarriage. She then went on to have 3 beautiful babies (one of them being my mother!)

Again - I hope you find some comfort in these stories, and my thoughts are with you during this very difficult time When you are ready (both emotionally and physically) I wish you lots of luck with getting pregnant again and having a happy, healthy baby.

Blushing, I''m very sorry for your loss as well. I got pg in ''06, and miscarried. Didn''t need a D&C, and Dr. recommended we wait to try again until after I had a regular period. Got pg 2 months later w/Trapper, who is now not quite 2 1/2. I had to be on Progesterone, and Dr. wouldn''t let me do anything strenuous-no exercise, no nothing.

It''s hard to deal with and understand. I was posting on a mommy board at the time, and there was a specific forum for it, and I remember spending quite a bit of time reading posts, crying. Then I read a post from a mom who''d had a miscarriage, and gone on to have another baby. She was talking about how much it hurt and how angry she was, but then after she had the next baby, she realized-this was the baby she was meant to have, and as painful as it was, she wouldn''t have had this baby otherwise. This was her baby to hold forever in her arms, and the baby she had lost was her baby to hold forever in her heart. That clicked for me, and while it didn''t "make it all better", it made it more bearable. And when Trapper was born, I thought of what that woman said, and I cried extra tears for the baby I''ll hold forever in my heart.

Packrat, that''s so sweet....got teary-eyed just reading that and it is so very true.

Packrat My mom says the same thing about me! She lost a baby when she was a teenager and she thinks it was "me" coming to her, but she wasn''t ready, so I tried again years later!

Blushing You are sweet, big hugs to you again.

OMG Packrat - I also starting crying when I read your post. Those are words I''ll never forget - thank you for posting that story!! It really puts things in a different perspective.

Lilac - I did find comfort in your post, thank you. Everytime someone posts about their miscarriage (or someone else''s) and can tell me a happy ending, it most definitely helps me to move forward and think more positively.

Blushing-my mother also had a few miscarriages and went on to have two healthy kiddos. I also have two other friends who have experienced an early loss and then have gone on to get pregnant very easily! It''s a shame that more people don''t talk about it-SO many women seem to go through it yet is remains a taboo topic. It''s a shame that women don''t feel comfortable putting it out in the open-I applaud you for that as it takes a strong woman to do that.

Hang in there-we''re all rooting for you.

I''m so sorry.
It''s a real loss and you go through mourning just like any other loss of someone you loved. Other people didn''t know the baby but it was YOUR baby, inside of you and you just need some time to feel bad and to realize that you have a right to feel bad.

It''s normal to be scared afterwards, but I think in very few cases is there a problem that would cause concern the next time you get pregnant. If you can get pregnant (which unfortunately not everybody can nowadays) you''re usually in good shape so far as this is concerned (I don''t mean to be hurtful towards people to whom this has not been true). But you would be surprised how many women have had miscarriages, among the ones you know who have a healthy child(ren). People often don''t say, especially if it was early enough that no one knew yet, because it can be painful to talk about, and painful to have people commiserate. But when I was young, the older ladies actually used to suggest that you not tell other people you were pregnant before three months, because miscarriages before that point are so common. I realize that this is not statistics, but that''s what they used to say.

Even if there does turn out to be a problem where you keep miscarrying (which is as everyone is telling you, not common), it most often is, I think, an incompetent cervix, which nowadays they can manage a lot with, bed rest and even suturing your cervix until later in the pregnancy; most women who have this nowadays still manage to have children.

Just take care of yourself right now and don''t feel bad for feeling bad. I believe your baby is safe with God now; I hope you can take some comfort in that.

Date: 7/7/2009 5:23:03 PM
Author: blushingbride

Obladee - your story was very touching. I''m happy to hear you are pregnant again and understand your fear of ''what if it happens again.'' It''s hard for me because yes, I''m mourning but, my best friend is two weeks ahead of me - a constant reminder of where I should be in my pregnancy. I know that DH will grow from this - we already feel so much closer. Pregnancy can bring you closer, but this REALLY brings you even closer than when we found out we were pregnant. It''s amazing, I feel so lucky. I''m wishing you all the best.

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blushing, I understand how hard it is. Two friends announced their pregnancies after my miscarriage. One of them had joked for several years that she was waiting for me to get pregnant 1st. There was no way to tell her I''d miscarried, and she knew we were going to quit taking birth control at the same time so she asks. It''s hard to see her and watch her grow, even though I''m pregnant now. The other friend who is pregnant is in a mess of a relationship and it was hard for me to grasp that she gets to bring a baby into the disaster that is currently her life while my husband and I have planned and plotted and saved and ended up losing the first baby.

My husband and I have always had a good relationship, but everything that led up to the miscarriage and the miscarriage itself forced me to rely on him in a way I never had before. It''s definitely brought us closer and made us better people; we are kinder with one another now.

Be prepared to feel jealousy towards pregnant women. One day my husband and I were walking down the street and an adorable pregnant woman passed us, I mutted "Bitch" under my breath, to his astonishment. It just slipped out, I was so envious I couldn''t contain it. I also wanted to stop every pregnant woman I saw and ask "How did you do that" Crazy!

If you''re up for reading I''d recommend An Exact Replica of Figment of my Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. She delivered a child stillborn and went on to have another, healthy baby. It was heartwrenching,and obviously a different situation, but came from a place of such honesty that it touched and helped me. I''m not a fluffy person and it really helped me address my feelings in a way that made sense to me.

Someone mentioned how we don''t talk about miscarriage and I wish society were more open to it too. But, it''s awkward, and sometimes when we do it makes it harder to swallow, because people don''t know how to react (a friend said something that really upset me, even though it wasn''t her intent) and many don''t see it as a true loss, because there was no person born. I am so glad i have good people in my life that I trust to discuss this with, but because I''m not someone who would announce that my spouse and I were "trying" it was difficult to find the right time to discuss the subsequent pregnancy and loss because of the way things went (early bleeding "Guess what, I''m pregnant and bleeding!"). I also didn''t know how to share the loss with anyone for a while afterwards, because it felt so personal, because it happened to me within my body and I didn''t feel like anyone but my husband and I had a right to mourn; I got over that feeling, but in the beginning it was how I felt and nothing I did could have changed that.

Sorry for the rambling, thinking about this occupies much of my time and I''m hoping in sharing I''m helping, if only a litte.

Count me in the club that had a miscarriage and then went on to have a happy, healthy baby. It can be done!

I''m so sorry for your loss. It''s a terrible thing and you have to let yourself grieve. It is just not natural to be pregnant, then not pregnant but you don''t have your baby.

I agree that women should talk more about miscarriage. Unfortunately for me at the time, most of my friends were pregnant and they did not know what to say to me. I think I spent time cheering them up. Of course, I did have my mother, MIL, and two aunts tell me "it''s part of being a woman - you''ll be fine" or some variation of that. That didn''t help much!

I wish you much luck conceiving again when the time is right. I know having my daughter healed me of any hurt from my miscarriage.

I am really sorry you have to go through this. I have had some friends experience this and I know how stressful it is.

I also wish it was something that was talked about more. Especially since early miscarriages are more common than most women think, the rate is estimated at 60%. The thing is most women don't even know they are pregnant and don't realize they have had a loss.

Just realize what you experiences is common and should not stop you from trying again. Because early losses are so common, most doctors will only work up women who have had 3 or more. I would give yourself some time, but if you want a family, don't let this hold you back.

packrat, your story about the baby that was meant to be was beautiful.

obladee - is your temp. name from the song? If so, its an inspired choice, obladi, obladah, life goes on... even though its a happy song it can have a touch of sadness to me, like shouting and cheering through tears.

Anyway, yes you hit the nail on the head regarding talking about miscarriage. Miscarriage isn''t talked about much, its very much hidden and out-of-site, perhaps a holdover from more reticent times when pregnancy was a forbidden word? Seems like we should be more out in the open about it in these modern times and maybe it would help to know more people go through it and its common and normal. But then there are practical problems to going out and talking about one''s own miscarriage right now while its happening or shortly after.

For the most part, I don''t want people to know we are trying and be on the preggo lookout. (Any more than they already were before, hahaha.) Maybe later on I woln''t care or I''ll need the support from more friends and family but right now I don''t want family pressure or too many friends asking. Certainly I don''t want work people to know about it - that could complicate things. There are a few longtime, close friends that I really wish were physically closer (most are 1000s of miles away) as I''m not particularly inspired to bring it up on the phone or via email, but I would like to have a heart to heart with if they were local. But they are not, a consequence of our modern, mobile society, so its just hubby and i! And this great online community (the irony - deeply personal things on the internet!) but seriously, its good to have a place to discuss these things, and the humanity comes through even though people have pseudonyms and can only post messages and there are real logistical reasons for not discussing it more openly IRL.

Date: 7/7/2009 11:24:20 PM
Author: cara


obladee - is your temp. name from the song? If so, its an inspired choice, obladi, obladah, life goes on... even though its a happy song it can have a touch of sadness to me, like shouting and cheering through tears.

For the most part, I don''t want people to know we are trying and be on the preggo lookout. (Any more than they already were before, hahaha.) Maybe later on I woln''t care or I''ll need the support from more friends and family but right now I don''t want family pressure or too many friends asking. Certainly I don''t want work people to know about it - that could complicate things. There are a few longtime, close friends that I really wish were physically closer (most are 1000s of miles away) as I''m not particularly inspired to bring it up on the phone or via email, but I would like to have a heart to heart with if they were local. But they are not, a consequence of our modern, mobile society, so its just hubby and i! And this great online community (the irony - deeply personal things on the internet!) but seriously, its good to have a place to discuss these things, and the humanity comes through even though people have pseudonyms and can only post messages and there are real logistical reasons for not discussing it more openly IRL.

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Cara, my name was picked intentionally, inspired by the song, because it is true life goes on, but there is a sadness about the song and going on.

I didn''t want anyone on the pregnancy lookout either, and I never felt comfortable talking about "trying" (on a message board or in my real life) it''s too close to "My spouse and I are having unprotected sex!" So when the miscarriage happened I was left feeling very lonely. I''m still feeling lonely, because it''s different being pregnant now having been through that. I''m glad I shared with the friends I did, they''ve really helped, but I know now they''re waiting for me to be pregnant and I feel awkward keeping the news from them, but I am so not ready to share. It''s a tough spot, needing to talk and be silent at the same time.

I know you and blushing will both move forward and learn to be okay, no matter what happens, as will I, but as I said I am forever changed by this experience in both good ways and bad.

Hey Ms. Blushing, I was so sorry to see your first bad-news post on the preggo thread. After your happy beating-heart ultrasound, I was thinking clear sailing for you (after your trying year plus of trying.) Its just not fair.

Anyway, for me I had been mentally holding out for the ultrasound during the first few weeks of pregnancy, thinking that we didn''t really know what was going on with the (hopefully) baby until we saw things on the screen. Also, I probably had the wrong idea about the risk of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat; certainly its lower once there is a heartbeat but its not yet really low. Plus we''d only been trying for about a day or a week or something, so the brain was still in adapting to everything - I think I''d mentioned this in the preggo thread. The baby was a dream I was starting to believe in, being preggo was real.

So when the miscarriage started, I had to let go of a dream of a baby, but adapt to the sudden reality of not being preggo. And while my husband was great, great with the early pregnancy support and then the miscarriage support, there were times when he was a little bit off in where I was with processing things. The guys are just at a disadvantage - they have to process abstract things they are told and see, not things they feel first and then process. Like I pretty much knew it was all over on the Friday with a negative ultrasound, low blood levels, heavy bleeding, cramping, etc., but I was in survival mode and not talking a lot. So he took the doctors at their word when they said there was a chance that the dates were all off and it was a survivable early pregnancy and held out hope over the weekend. Meanwhile over the weekend I was losing pregnancy symptoms - breasts deflated, coffee and food looked good again, etc. I had to kill his hopes and be like, its over. We don''t need to wait for the next blood test to know. I know.

And then I was like, what can I do to fix it? Can I fix it by getting preggo again really soon? How soon? I didn''t really like the nurse''s first answer to that question. Ahh, I''m a difficult patient. But I''m coming around. I can''t fix it by getting preggo right away. I will still not have the baby that was due in February next, like my preggo-twin. The next baby deserves for us to be happy and excited about it, not fixing the old loss. This site has helped. They say women are more likely to be super anxious the next time around after a miscarriage, even not able to let themselves be happy or expect that the baby will be born. Which is understandable - I think it will be impossible to be less anxious or trust it completely (especially until passing the point in the pregnancy of the first miscarriage) or to recapture the innocent excitement of the first pregnancy. Also it had some information about typical recoveries (as mine is dragging on) and medical advice regarding trying again, to make me less mad at my care providers for their frustrating responses to my questions. There are no great answers.

Cara you are right on several things: Men can''t really help much because they don''t know how we are feeling. They try and, obviously, they are sad over the loss as well. But it is different for women. When you do get pregnant again, it will be stressful. I remember not relaxing and even letting myself think about the baby much (except I named her) until I was six months along. And then all of a sudden I relaxed and enjoyed our upcoming blessed event. Later, people told me that they were worried about me because I didn''t talk about the pregnancy much. Guess I really didn''t believe it.

As for not telling anyone when you are newly pregnant, that''s a personal decision. I told people who asked how I was doing (I miscarried in Sept and learned I was pregnant again the following April.) I heard advice once that said "if you don''t tell anyone you are pregnant, you have no support system if/when you miscarry"

Just wanted to echo what Ltlfirecracker said about how common miscarriages are. My poor dad didn''t know what to do when I had mine. He was so upset but didn''t know what to say. Instead, he found an article in a random newspaper (from Montana-we''re in Iowa, so that was a little strange that this paper happened to be laying out at his work) that addressed that. I was totally floored by how common it really is, and that most women don''t even realize they had one, b/c it happened so early.

I agree with you ladies - there really aren''t many outlets which women can use to talk about these kinds of things. I realize that I can''t really ask the question, why? But, I can search for hope and try to learn from this experience.

During our first ultrasound last Thurs., we were told everything was great and both of us felt that it was time to start telling our friends. We gone out to dinner with two of them that night and then told 3 couples we are very close with on Friday during a 4th of July BBQ. I wouldn''t have been able to hide the fact that I wasn''t drinking, so the timing worked out well. These are now the friends who have been calling to check on me everyday and who have supported me since finding out about the miscarriage.

My husband has been a saint. He and I both knew on Sun. that it was over (even when they saw the baby and a heartbeat in the emergency room). I was laying in a pool of blood with unbareable cramps. My HSG levels were around 6,000 which were not where they should be for 8 weeks pregnant. When we got back to NY, I went to the bathroom (warning TMI) and tissue had come out. I couldn''t look at it and was there helping me to dispose of it. In hindsight, I should''ve kept it to have it tested, but first I didn''t know that was an option and second, even my Dr. said that most women can''t bring themselves to deal with it. My DH was grieving like I was the two days, but he''s now shifted his focus to me and is desperately trying to help me through this and get me well again (mentally and physically).

Something interesting happened to me last night....I was doing research regarding different mom groups in my area which I could join once the baby was born. I found one in particular which I was inquiring about last week. The director of the group had been emailing back and forth with me and had emailed me again this past weekend. I told her yesterday that things have been placed on hold as I just had a miscarriage (I didn''t want her to think I was blowing her off or wasn''t taking her serious because this was the group I really wanted to join). Well, this woman, who I''ve never met, ends up telling me about how she had two miscarriages and now has a healthy 5-month old baby. She sent me some posts she had personally posted to the mommy group''s website which expressed her feelings and emtions regarding her miscarriages. She also sent me the following article which I found very informative:

> From too much caffeine to faulty chromosomes, the list of things that
> can contribute to a lost pregnancy is long. What you need to know
> about the many risk factors.
>
> By Karen Springen
> Newsweek Web Exclusive
> Updated: 7:08 PM ET Jan 25, 2008
> Each year, 4 million parents welcome new babies. More than 1 million
> others lose theirs before they''re born. Why? It''s the question of the
> month, after a headline-grabbing study said women who reported
> consuming more than 200 milligrams of caffeine a day doubled their
> risk of miscarriage--from the 12 percent among non-using participants
> to 25 percent. (A 12-ounce "tall" Starbucks coffee contains 260mg.)
> Latte lovers flooded doctors'' offices with anguished queries. The
> hysteria is "like an epidemic," says Yale University Ob-Gyn Mary Jane
> Minkin, author of "The Yale Guide to Women''s Reproductive Health."
>
> Caffeine, of course, isn''t the only culprit. The list of factors that
> plays a role in miscarriage is long, and not all of them can be
> controlled. Or understood. More than half of all miscarriages are
> caused by chromosomal abnormalities. "It''s nature''s way of
> saying, ''this isn''t working, so we''re going to let it go''," says Duke
> University Ob-Gyn Susann Clifford. Random chromosomal error causes 70
> percent of pregnancies that end before six weeks of gestation, 50
> percent of pregnancies that stop between six and 10 weeks and only 5
> percent of pregnancies that end after 10 weeks.
>
> Women cannot do much about some risk factors, such as previous
> miscarriages and advanced maternal age. "You can''t change your age,
> and you can''t change your history. It''s a frustrating business," says
> Mount Sinai School of Medicine epidemiologist David Savitz. Older
> women are simply more likely to conceive embryos with chromosomal
> abnormalities, such as Down syndrome. In the general population, the
> risk of miscarriage after six weeks gestation is 15 percent. At age
> 35 it''s 25 percent and at age 40 it''s 42 percent.
>
> There are steps that women of all ages can take to lessen other
> potential risks--even before they conceive. "Good preconception care
> is probably your best bet," says Dr. Uma Reddy, a medical officer for
> the National Institute of Child Health and Development. "By the time
> you come and see your Ob at 11 weeks, it''s already too late." Before
> and after conception, take prenatal vitamins (which include folic
> acid), don''t smoke, avoid second-hand smoke and toxic chemicals, and
> maintain an ideal body weight. Obesity increases the risk of
> miscarriage (and birth defects) and is emerging as a significant risk
> factor for stillbirth, says Reddy. Eating undercooked meat can
> increase exposure to the bacteria listeria, to E. coli and to the
> toxoplasma parasite. Cleaning the litter box of an outdoor cat, who
> may eat an infected bird or rodent, also increases the risk of
> toxoplasmosis.
>
> Staying calm is important, as well: a British study last year added
> to the mounting evidence that stress may increase miscarriage risk.
> (This is the kind of advice that drives already-anxious women crazy,
> unfortunately.) Avoid alcohol and illicit drugs, such as marijuana,
> cocaine and heroin. And use acetaminophen (Tylenol) instead of
> ibuprofen (Advil), which can decrease the amount of amniotic fluid
> around the baby, says the NICHD''s Reddy. To be safe, avoid sushi and
> limit consumption of fish high in mercury levels, such as canned
> tuna, says Dr. Diane Ashton, deputy medical director of the March of
> Dimes. And avoid soft cheeses like brie and gorgonzola, which may
> contain the bacteria listeria. Limit exposure to chemicals such as
> home pesticides, mercury and gasoline--but be realistic. "We''re not
> going to recommend that pregnant women never fill their car," says
> Ashton. Make sure you''re vaccinated against chicken pox and rubella
> (before trying to conceive) since anything that can cause birth
> defects may also cause miscarriage. And, to repeat the latest news,
> don''t overdo caffeine, which crosses the placental barrier and
> increases blood pressure and heart rate.
>
> Other potential risk factors require further study. Hot tubs and
> microwaves ovens, for example, have not received much research
> attention. Dr. De-Kun Li, the lead author on the caffeine study, has
> examined them, however, and he tells women to stand at least five
> feet from a microwave oven, and to stay out of hot tubs since they
> may raise core body temperature. (In a hot tub, a woman can''t sweat
> to cool off.)
>
> After a woman has miscarried two or more times, doctors may conduct
> tests of the woman and her partner (or of the miscarriage tissue) to
> detect chromosomal problems. They may also look for infection of the
> uterus. And blood tests can detect diabetes, autoimmune disease and
> hormone imbalance. About one in five women with recurrent miscarriage
> suffers from a clotting problem that can interfere with implantation;
> doctors can use blood thinners as treatment.
> Many women who''ve suffered miscarriages think women should ask for a
> medical workup after a single loss. Darci Klein, founder of
> PreventPregnancyLoss.org and author of "To Full Term: A Mother''s
> Triumph Over Miscarriage," lost three pregnancies (including a set of
> twins) before finding out through a blood test that she had a
> condition that resulted in abnormal clotting. She took a blood
> thinner--and delivered a healthy son. "The biggest cause of loss is
> that women aren''t tested after suspicious miscarriage. That leaves
> women like me to lose pregnancy after pregnancy. Some of them stop
> trying." She considers factors like caffeine and cat litter "such a
> small part" of the miscarriage issue. "There may be a few people who
> cleaned a cat box every year who ended up having problems with their
> pregnancies," she says. "There are hundreds of thousands of women
> losing pregnancies to undiagnosed but treatable disorders."
>
> Carrying twins or triplets increases the risk of miscarriage during
> that pregnancy. So do assisted reproductive technologies, such as in
> vitro fertilization. With follicle-stimulating drugs called
> gonadotropins, we may be pushing eggs that are sitting dormant in the
> ovary to mature," says Dr. Mary Stephenson, director of the recurrent
> pregnancy loss program at the University of Chicago''s Medical
> Center. "In IVF, we make more than one egg a cycle. Maybe those eggs,
> we just should have left them alone." Prenatal testing for
> chromosomal disorders like Down syndrome can also causes miscarriage--
> one in 300 procedures for amniocentesis and one in 100 for chorionic
> villus sampling (CVS).
>
> Fortunately, there''s more to avoiding miscarriage than living a life
> of, well, avoidance. Enjoy exercise and sex, which research shows do
> not increase the risk of miscarriage. The usual advice for women
> who''ve miscarried is to try again. "If you keep trying, the odds are
> in your favor," says Minkin. Try not to give in to guilt and blame.
> Sadly, pregnancy loss is incredibly common--and often mysterious.
> Says Kaiser Permanente pernatologist David Walton: "Women should
> consider one miscarriage just a normal event that happens during
> their reproductive life."
>
>
> URL: http://www.newsweek.com/id/104816