Did you have a say in your ring?

[stbfyffe]

Hi ladies, I posted this question (slightly different version for the men in Proposal ideas)...

I wanted to know how many of you choose your ring or had a say in it....my soon to be feels that I am ruining the surprise of the proposal because I want to choose my ring (the he wants a round, I want a pear) I don''t think that I am b/c i still don''t know any details of the proposal other than what my ring may look like (we have the setting, looking for a loose stone)

For those of you that did choose your ring, did you have to convince your FF or was it mutual, do you feel you are ruining the surprise of the proposal?

Thanks, STBFYFFE

 

[nessvan12]

I thought I would never have a say, since my BF said some of the same things about me ruining the surprise (for almost 3 years). But THANKFULLY he recently came to me to ask questions about my preferences and asked me to show him some settings. I was relieved. This is because we should be getting engaged before the end of the year so I know he is SERIOUSLY looking. Maybe your BF will realize that YOU are the one wearing it and come around. Maybe he isn''t SERIOULY looking yet, you know boy soon vs. girl soon... I do not think anything would be ruined by knowing what the ring will look like....it''s a special, once in a lifetime moment...nothing could ruin it!

Here''s to hoping he comes around! Good Luck

 

[Livinthedream]

I don''t think I replied in your other post, not sure. Anyway- I have had everything to do with picking my ring. Some girls prefer not to and that''s great, but me, I see it differently. I am going to wear this forever. I want to I have exactly what I want. And maybe I''m just lucky b/c my BF is on the exact page as I am with this. It takes the guess work out for him (he knows nothing about searching for diamonds on his own), and he knows I will be thrilled with my ering b/c I picked it. It won''t ruin the surprise because I won''t have any idea when he goes to pick it up (torture!), or anything at all of course with the proposal he chooses, but when it comes to the ring- I am hands on!

 

[Rabe2000]

I truly wanted my proposal to be a secret so I didn’t ask my GF for input, for the past year whenever we have went into a jewelry store I have always stored her preferences in my mind. Personally I think it takes the fun out of a proposal, I did all my research and I have chosen a ring not only within my budget but also with all the characteristics my GF has hinted to me on. Ladies please let your future husbands do the work if you have all the knowledge by all means steer him I the right direction but in the end isn’t that what a proposal is all about when did that change???

 

[musey]

Date: 9/21/2007 10:48:27 AM
Author: Livinthedream
I have had everything to do with picking my ring. Some girls prefer not to and that''s great, but me, I see it differently. I am going to wear this forever. I want to I have exactly what I want. And maybe I''m just lucky b/c my BF is on the exact page as I am with this. It takes the guess work out for him (he knows nothing about searching for diamonds on his own), and he knows I will be thrilled with my ering b/c I picked it. It won''t ruin the surprise because I won''t have any idea when he goes to pick it up (torture!), or anything at all of course with the proposal he chooses, but when it comes to the ring- I am hands on!

Ditto every single thing that Livinthedream said.

 

[lsyama]

I got to choose my ring entirely. Bf didn''t even really set a budget.
I didn''t ask to, but bf said that he''d be scared of getting me something horrendous; he doesn''t trust his fashion sense at all. And he said I''m the one that has to wear it everyday/forever.

I think it would have been fun if he had been up to the challenge of choosing the ring w/o any input from me... as long as he did his research!

 

[Rabe2000]

I believe this is a very special day and knowing EXACTLY which ring you would be getting takes the spontaneous out of it. Isn’t that worse than knowing every Christmas and birthday gifts you get or even every valentine’s days gift or worst knowing every time you are going to get flowers.

 

[lsyama]

Date: 9/21/2007 11:18:34 AM
Author: Rabe2000
I believe this is a very special day and knowing EXACTLY which ring you would be getting takes the spontaneous out of it. Isn’t that worse than knowing every Christmas and birthday gifts you get or even every valentine’s days gift or worst knowing every time you are going to get flowers.

I agree to some extent - I would have been absolutely thrilled if fi had taken the time and effort to carefully choose the ring for me. And I love surprises - in a dream world, he would have proposed without me having a clue that it was coming.
But even having picked the ring myself and knowing that a proposal was imminent... it was nonetheless a thrilling moment that I''m still reveling in this morning!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/21/2007 11:18:34 AM
Author: Rabe2000
I believe this is a very special day and knowing EXACTLY which ring you would be getting takes the spontaneous out of it. Isn’t that worse than knowing every Christmas and birthday gifts you get or even every valentine’s days gift or worst knowing every time you are going to get flowers.

NOPE. IMHO a "surprise" proposal is more akin to a caveman knocking a woman over the head with a log & dragging her off into his cave than it is to the "modern relationship" ethic -- of two EQUAL partners deciding to join forces & make a life TOGETHER. Luckily my husband of *almost* a year now! (YAY!) feels the same way.

 

[Independent Gal]

I'm with Deco. 100%. So is my FI. And we chose the ring together. We decided it was important that we both like it. And his proposal and my promise to marry him was not one iota less special beacuse it wasn't a 'surprise'. Maybe I'm stodgy, but I never understood why being surprised was an important part of deciding to get married. It's NOT a christmas present. It's a life commitment.

 

[onedrop]

I''m in the camp where a *surprise* proposal wasn''t even a dream for me. Maybe it''s due to my age and stage in life but I felt like I needed to be involved in choosing the ring, and this was before my now husband and I even started talking about getting married. And luckily my husband had no problem with me being involved. I helped to choose the stone and design the setting, in fact I think the participation level was like 90% to 10%, with me contributing 90%. This arrangement worked great for us and we both ended up happy. I had no part in how and when I''d get the ring, and my husband did a nice job setting all of that up. For us it was a win-win situation...I got the ring I wanted and he gets to sit back and take the credit for the work I did.

 

[Rabe2000]

So then why does the "MAN" need to propose??? If it's about life commitments with each other why wouldn’t a woman propose?? Isn’t this part "Cave Man Like"???

 

[NewEnglandLady]

When FI and I first started discussing marriage, he wanted to choose the ring. Completely. I told him I wanted an eternity band, but if he was going to go the traditional e-ring route, an asscher cut was the way to go. He said he didn''t even want to know that much, but as buying a ring becames more eminent he started to feel overwhelmed by all of the options. I told him I''d help him choose the center stone, but that I really wanted him to choose the setting since it seemed it was important to him to be a part of the process.

After narrowing down the center stones, he wanted me to look at settings. I told him a simple solitaire or pave setting would be fine, the only thing I didn''t want was a halo and he still felt overwhelmed, haha.

Then one day while browsing at local jewellers I found a gorgeous art deco ring that I loved. I told my FI that I didn''t want him to spend that much, but that was a good idea of what I was looking for.

You can probably guess which ring I now wear.

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, some women do propose. My friend T did. She planned a whole elaborate thing involving pomegranite seeds (?!?).

But I don''t see the ''surprise!'' thing as a gender issues / roles related thing. Even couples who choose to observe very traditional roles in their marriage often decide this together.

I think in terms of things being traditional, that the idea of a ''surprise'' proposal is probably pretty recent. I mean, how many of our parents, when they tell their proposal story say ''I was completley surprised!'' with the surprise being the key, exciting element? The part that made it great? Or our grandparents? Or if you read older novels, WHEN is it ever a big surprise with the fact that she was surprised being the thing that made it special? Almost never.

I think the surprise thing is fairly recent, and probably a production of the new internet wedding industry hype machine.

 

[Rabe2000]

It just seems wrong...if the "man" had little to no participation then in actuality all he did was pay the bill it's not right. I was raised by all women and growing up my mom/family of all women certain values were instilled in me. I am in know way sexist but I SO For the first time in my life want that UNFORGETTABLE look on her face when I propose. And if she wants to change the ring later I DID MAKE SURE we could trade up which at that point we could do together and I would have no problem with that.

 

[BriBee]

I am pretty much 100% designing my own ring. My bf has no problem with this since he knows that I have done a lot of research on the project. Also, we have a long time family friend who is in the industry that is helping me. He has never met her, so that''s another reason why I''m dealing with everything. I don''t think this will ruin any sort of surprise, and when the ring comes, I''m having it shipped to my mom''s house so I won''t even know when it arrives or see it in person or anything like that. So I think there will still be a huge element of surprise since I''ll have no idea about the timetable and the first time I see the ring in person will be after the proposal.

 

[musey]

Date: 9/21/2007 11:55:59 AM
Author: Rabe2000
So then why does the ''MAN'' need to propose??? If it''s about life commitments with each other why wouldn’t a woman propose?? Isn’t this part ''Cave Man Like''???

The man doesn''t HAVE to. They most often PREFER to. The actual proposal, for most couples, is really a formality. They''ve already made the decision to get married at some point, thoroughly talked their future through. Most couples who go through that process also, at some point, discuss what each of them want out of the engagement. Some couples would like it to be a surprise, some not at all, some in between. It''s a matter of what matters to THAT couple.

Any woman who is COMPLETELY surprised by a proposal, or would describe it as "out of the blue," is not displaying good signs for the relationship, IMO. If it is completely out of the blue, that means the couple hasn''t even gotten to the "discussing future/marriage/plans" stage. She doesn''t see it coming because the subject hasn''t been broached... Would that couple really be ready to get married??


If you want to surprise her, fantastic. I''m sure she''ll be thrilled. But any man who surprises his girlfriend in this way should be prepared for her to ask for a different ring, IMO. (And for her to perhaps say "no," for that matter!

)

 

[musey]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:06:38 PM
Author: Rabe2000

And if she wants to change the ring later I DID MAKE SURE we could trade up which at that point we could do together and I would have no problem with that.

Then you're all set.

ETA:

It just seems wrong...if the "man" had little to no participation then in actuality all he did was pay the bill it's not right.

A woman wanting to have some say in what her ring looks like doesn't mean the man has little to no participation--AT ALL. My FI went shopping with me while I tried on settings, looked at shapes and settings with me online... he was FULLY involved in the process. Just because the woman is involved in no way means that the man ISN'T. That's a little strange, imo, to think that involving your girlfriend in the process of choosing HER ring that SHE will wear for the REST OF HER LIFE... means that the guy's role is cheapened.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

The only woman I''ve known who had a complete surprise proposal broke it off because she wasn''t ready. Goes to show you there''s a reason marriage is discussed so much before the proposal. To be honest, even the proposal itself is usually not-that-surprising. Was I surprised when/where my FI proposed? Yes, but I knew it was coming on our vacation. When women are expecting a proposal, it''s impossible to "surprise" them.

I don''t think the ring/proposal is "cave man" like, though I do feel it''s a bit antiquated. Would I have been just as happy having a conversation and agreeing to get married? Yes. Would I have been equally happy with a simple band (what I pushed for in the beginning)? Yes. This was something that was important to him--especially since he had told me he wasn''t ready and I left, thus he felt that he''d really screwed up and wanted to do something to show me how ready he was. He''s proud of his proposal and we both love the ring, so we''re both happy.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/21/2007 11:55:59 AM
Author: Rabe2000
So then why does the ''MAN'' need to propose??? If it''s about life commitments with each other why wouldn’t a woman propose?? Isn''t this part ''Cave Man Like''???

Men don''t have to propose. Earthshattering news, right? It''s all about what works for a particular couple.

In our case, we''d had discussions about engagement ... I let him know I was very particular about jewelry (because I wear very little & am in an industry that is QUITE judgmental about style) .. we agreed that I''d look for rings ... we set a budget ... I wanted to spend more than that budget so we agreed to combine financial forces, after ALSO deciding that a "big wedding" wasn''t necessary (allowing more $$ toward the e-ring ... since I already owned a home). I shopped. I picked. I showed him. He agreed. He picked it up ... and we goofed around with a "formal" proposal in a way that was very "US" and didn''t involve bended knee or candlelight or a train of rose petals blah, blah.

A proposal is pretty silly isn''t it if two people have ALREADY agreed to get married. Well ... like I said ... JMHO.

 

[onedrop]

RABE: I understand where you are coming from, but in our case the situation was right and I did damn near everything regarding the ring, except paying for it. My husband was totally cool with the whole deal! It was just not important to me to be surprised with a marriage proposal. I don't have ANY regrets. The important thing for me was to be asked to get married by the love of my life. It meant more to me that we came to a conclusion on something both to get married and choose a ring together than to have this whole big, elaborate surprise proposal. The fact that you will surprise your FI with a proposal and ring and if you both endup happy will be great! It will be what worked for YOU.

 

[Rabe2000]

Are there some women who feel they should in that case purchase their own E-Ring?

 

[aljdewey]

Not only did I have a say in my ring.....I picked it.

Hubby proposed without a ring because his feeling was "I want YOU to like the ring, and you''re the one who has to wear it. I''d hate to pick something you didn''t care for."

So, I got the best of both worlds. I was TOTALLY surprised when he proposed, and I got to pick the ring. Also, it made shopping together a fun exercise, too!

He''s a smart man, my hubby!

 

[BriBee]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:06:38 PM
Author: Rabe2000
It just seems wrong...if the ''man'' had little to no participation then in actuality all he did was pay the bill it''s not right. I was raised by all women and growing up my mom/family of all women certain values were instilled in me. I am in know way sexist but I SO For the first time in my life want that UNFORGETTABLE look on her face when I propose. And if she wants to change the ring later I DID MAKE SURE we could trade up which at that point we could do together and I would have no problem with that.

I also wanted to add that my FF and I have lived together for over 2 years, are in the process of purchasing a home, and have combined nearly all of our finances at this point. So as for him "paying the bill" on the ring after I have designed the whole thing...we don''t really look at it that way. We have saved together, set a budget together, and put the money aside together. So we feel that this is a joint purchase that we''re making together.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:02:46 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I think the surprise thing is fairly recent, and probably a production of the new internet wedding industry hype machine.

EXACTLY .. yanno I read an article yesterday about this ... well, about the new industry of guys hiring photographers or videographers to secretly record their proposals so they can EMAIL THEM TO FRIENDS and POST IT ON FACEBOOK.

The article ends with some quote like "If it''s not on FACEBOOK it''s like it didn''t happen"

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, bottom line is: everyone should do what works for them and makes them happy as a couple! Hurray for freedom and choice.

The only thing I think is a substantial no-no is proposing ''out of the blue'' as Musey put it. That does not bode well, as there are so many things you have to make sure you''re on the same page about. Love is not enough, as so many have said! But once all of that is done, if you love the surprise proposal thing, she wants it, you have a good sense of what she wants to wear on her hand ever day for the rest of her life, then go for it.

I have a friend who HATES her wedding set. It''s exactly what she didn''t want. The only thing she said was ''Please! no yellow gold!'' and he basically made clear that it was not hers to pick. So now she has a yellow gold set with a crappy diamond. That''s the only thing to avoid. But so long as you''ve talked it all through, in terms of the future, you know what she wants, from what she has said, or by asking a friend or relative of hers, then if surprise is what YOU both want, why not?

It just would not have been what I would have wanted. But I''m taken anyway.

 

[Rabe2000]

My GF and I do not currently live together and we have talked about the future including marriage and it''s something we both want. But she does not know when it''s coming, how, when I just keep telling her I have to save for an E-Ring and look I already have it...

 

[lsyama]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:02:46 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I think the surprise thing is fairly recent, and probably a production of the new internet wedding industry hype machine.

I blame movies and TV!

 

[musey]

Date: 9/21/2007 12:16:49 PM
Author: Rabe2000
Are there some women who feel they should in that case purchase their own E-Ring?

Oh good grief. I don't follow your logic at all.

If your father wanted to buy you a car, wouldn't you want a say in what car you got? If he suggested that, since you wanted input on the car YOU will drive, that maybe you should pay for your OWN gift?


But to answer your question, I did offer to pay for at LEAST part of my ring. Not at all for your reasons, though. FI said no, it was his gift to me.

 

[Haven]

Stbfyffe--My FI and I picked out the ring together. He had done a lot of searching on his own, and after being exasperating and quite lost for almost nine months he came to me for help, so yes, I had a lot to do with the choosing of the ring. It was also a wonderful proposal, so I think you can have the best of both worlds, here''s my engagement thread:

Haven''s Engagement Thread

As for the debate about whether it ruins the surprise or not, I am definitely in the camp that believes a marriage proposal should NOT be a surprise, as in--if she''s really surprised that you''re proposing, that tells me that marriage has not been discussed in serious, concrete terms. This just seems very silly to me, a marriage is a very serious commitment, and I can''t believe anyone would want to enter into that commitment without first having had many discussions about it. Perhaps there is a connection between age and wanting the entire proposal (and marriage commitment) to be a surprise. It seems like the couples I know who are younger when they get engaged are really focused on the surprise element, and the whole aura of romanticism that surrounds the "perfect proposal" you hear so much about in the media. The more mature couples I know seem to focus on the decision to marry as more of a deep, serious commitment than a big hoopla surprise. Both focuses are lovely and enjoyable, and of course, this is just an anecdotal observation.

That being said, the actual proposal can still be a surprise if the two of you have discussed marriage and chosen a ring together. For me, the element of surprise came when he shocked me by asking in a way and at a time I did not expect at all. If the actual thought of getting married had been a surprise, though, I''m sure the outcome would have been different.

My FI did not want to choose a ring without my input because he wanted it to be something that I would keep forever, so the option to trade in for a different style if I didn''t like the ring he proposed with was totally out. And I''m so grateful--I thought I wouldn''t have any sentimental attachment to the ring before I had it, but now that we''ve gone through the process of researching, locating, and designing the ring together, and since it is the ring he used to propose marriage, I can''t imagine upgrading it at all.

Everyone has different approaches to this enormous decision of marrying someone, and I really enjoy reading all of your responses, so thanks!