Maybe we should cut our mother-in-laws some slack?

[mimi72]

LAlove, great post!!

I've been thinking a lot about MIL treatment lately. My husband is from India, his dad died when he was about 9 and his mom raised 3 boys with the help of her family in India. As the oldest, he has a lot of attachment to her and tried to protect her through a lot of troubled times in the past (she had some very severe depression even with psychosis). He's very sensitive to others who are critical to her since he had to protect her so much growing up. Yes, we'd call it bordering on an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship.

He comes to this country at about 25 years old. Enter me, an American. We get married but only after he lets me know that his mom is very important to him, it's his cultural role to help take care of her, and she will be staying with us for weeks if not months at a time when she visits the US. Ok, I agree to all that. I am in love!!!!

For the first 10 years of our marriage she has been a huge touchpoint. I only now have begun to realize that I have been acting insecure and selfish. I am starting to appreciate her now...when she stays with us, she cooks great indian food, helps out with the kids, and my husband enjoys having her around and seeing her interact with her grandchildren. I think it's a matter of my gaining maturity, letting go of the possessiveness on my husband. He's put up with me through all my badmouthing, whining, denigrating, insulting. It's time to let it go. She is not a bad person and never, never is anything but kind and respectful to me (to my face anyway). She deserves better!

I am turning a new leaf!!!

 

[Haven]

Never seen Labyrinth?!?! What is this world coming to?!

 

[rosetta]

My MIL is pretty much my second mother. She makes me food, and is always glad to see us. She is very gentle and loving.

Since my SIL went to live abroad, I think I'll get closer with her, as she doesn't have any other daughters.

She does, however, make me miss my own mother, who lives in yet another country!

 

[AmeliaG]

I was disappointed in Labyrinth. The real life drama totally overshadowed the fantasy plotline. I sat on the edge of my seat re: the war between the Spanish Fascists and the mountain-dwelling resisters but that story would have been equally gripping without the fantasy subplot and at the time I watched it I was looking for a FANTASY film.

 

[Ravenne]

I was disappointed in Labyrinth. The real life drama totally overshadowed the fantasy plotline. I sat on the edge of my seat re: the war between the Spanish Fascists and the mountain-dwelling resisters but that story would have been equally gripping without the fantasy subplot and at the time I watched it I was looking for a FANTASY film.

Oh this is a different movie. Pan's Labyrinth is also in my collection, and I do love it for what it is. I do agree that they tried to do two movies in one and it ended up kinda killing it on both ends. But this is a totally different creature. It stars David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly and is basically one of those movies full of bad puppets and smoke machines. But the plot is fantastic and of course... David Bowie. LOL

 

[FrekeChild]

Labyrinth is good stuff.

I don't have a MIL either. She passed away 6 months before we met.

Sometimes I'm really glad I don't. Others, I really wish I had someone to talk to about my husband and why he does the things he does...

What I do have is a SIL I can't deal with. She is 13 years older than we are, and has the maturity of a 5 year old. I wish I were joking. Usually we get along ok, but I've watched her brawl emotionally with other people over the years, and recently she's decided to take it out on me. She is incredibly selfish and immature. She also has a victim complex, so any time someone says or does anything that she can misconstrue as being a slight towards her, she will. And it'll be WW3. Which, apparently I've done a lot lately. So, she currently hates me (for being "rude") and obviously I'm not exactly fond of her. I've been putting up with her stupid sh*t for the past 6 years, and I'm sooooooooo happy to currently be getting the silent treatment. In fact, I'm so excited to be getting it, I'm going to have to think of ways to extend it!

I hope I'm a good MIL. I hope my daughter and I do ok too...

 

[Autumnovember]

I can't ever picture cutting my MIL any slack. All 8 of her children probably won't ever do it either. She is certified crazy/nasty/terrible in every possible way.

 

[Fly Girl]

My MIL is a sweet and intelligent woman that I love dearly. She and my FIL made a concious decision to "butt out" of our lives when we first married, and they have always done so. They have never tried to control what we did or second guess our decisions. They have been great grandparents to our children, who also love them dearly.

I have been truly fortunate. My MIL is widowed now, and having health problems, but I hope that we can enjoy her for a few more years.

 

[sonnyjane]

I have almost no relationship with my MIL. We don't have a bad relationship by any means, we just don't have a relationship. DH and I live on the west coast, they live on the east coast. I met them once shortly after we got engaged, but haven't seen them since (we were married four years ago). We exchange emails maybe four times a year, primarily when he has let too much time pass without returning her calls lol. He is just not very close to his family so, by default, I am also not very close to his family. She is really nice. I mean, I have absolutely no complaints about her at all, from what little I know

 

[CharmedOne]

My MIL and I hit it off from the start. We are best friends. The problem was her DIL, sister and mother, they hated me. They said I was taking her away from them and didn't want me with her son at all. We used to hang out everyday until I moved out of state. Now it's 17 years later and she is older and not as together as she used to be. Everything is magnified and she calls repeatedly for the same things. She is forgetful and has fallen into the same ensure addiction that other family members have. She has lost so much weight with that now and never eats real food unless she visits us. We always have fresh fruit and veggies around. She has Parkinson's now and it's hard to watch her decline. The doctor told her to stop drinking ensure and put her on medical marijuana. She is now so skinny and frail. If it rains she calls and calls until her son and my oldest son gets home safely. It's tough to she her like this. But no one else is concerned about it. Idk..... It's sad.

But I will say, don't forget that it's her son. So when me and DH aren't seeing eye to eye, she eludes to it being anything but his fault lol. And even though we get along, she finds something about my house or how I raise my kids wrong. She always complains that my house is too quiet. My kids are calm and well behaved. However, she says its too calm because they don't like to be around her house because it's chaotic and loud. Any who, I raise my kids the way I want and they know that won't change.

No relationship is perfect. In the beginning, I just killed the women in the family with kindness. I just told myself that they see me as a threat and I know I'm a good person and eventually they will see that too. And they did. It took awhile. But my husband was worth the effort to keep the peace. My MIL is alone now. Her mom passed and her sister and DIL are not dependable and they never come around anymore. So, I try to remember to call her everyday and I listen to the craziness. I make my DH and my son call her at least once a week. It's important to her and that's all that matters. Oh.. It's important to note that my DH is her only child and my kids are her only grandchildren. The DIL is just what they called her, she is no relation.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I was disappointed in Labyrinth. The real life drama totally overshadowed the fantasy plotline. I sat on the edge of my seat re: the war between the Spanish Fascists and the mountain-dwelling resisters but that story would have been equally gripping without the fantasy subplot and at the time I watched it I was looking for a FANTASY film.

Oh this is a different movie. Pan's Labyrinth is also in my collection, and I do love it for what it is. I do agree that they tried to do two movies in one and it ended up kinda killing it on both ends. But this is a totally different creature. It stars David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly and is basically one of those movies full of bad puppets and smoke machines. But the plot is fantastic and of course... David Bowie. LOL

And David Bowie's white tights. They really left very little to the imagination.

 

[iLander]

And David Bowie's white tights. They really left very little to the imagination.

I have GOT to watch that movie again!

 

[Lady_Disdain]

And David Bowie's white tights. They really left very little to the imagination.

I have GOT to watch that movie again!

Here you go

 

[Haven]

I was disappointed in Labyrinth. The real life drama totally overshadowed the fantasy plotline. I sat on the edge of my seat re: the war between the Spanish Fascists and the mountain-dwelling resisters but that story would have been equally gripping without the fantasy subplot and at the time I watched it I was looking for a FANTASY film.

Oh this is a different movie. Pan's Labyrinth is also in my collection, and I do love it for what it is. I do agree that they tried to do two movies in one and it ended up kinda killing it on both ends. But this is a totally different creature. It stars David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly and is basically one of those movies full of bad puppets and smoke machines. But the plot is fantastic and of course... David Bowie. LOL

I was so confused when I first read Amelia's post. And then I thought I was just really dense and I totally missed out on some political subplot in Labyrinth.

Yes, David Bowie, puppets, smoke machines, pretty much sums up the awesomeness that is Labyrinth. Of course, I think you're more likely to be taken by the movie if you're a child of the 80s like me. It's right up there with The Dark Crystal and The Neverending Story.

 

[AmeliaG]

I was disappointed in Labyrinth. The real life drama totally overshadowed the fantasy plotline. I sat on the edge of my seat re: the war between the Spanish Fascists and the mountain-dwelling resisters but that story would have been equally gripping without the fantasy subplot and at the time I watched it I was looking for a FANTASY film.

Oh this is a different movie. Pan's Labyrinth is also in my collection, and I do love it for what it is. I do agree that they tried to do two movies in one and it ended up kinda killing it on both ends. But this is a totally different creature. It stars David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly and is basically one of those movies full of bad puppets and smoke machines. But the plot is fantastic and of course... David Bowie. LOL

I was so confused when I first read Amelia's post. And then I thought I was just really dense and I totally missed out on some political subplot in Labyrinth.

Yes, David Bowie, puppets, smoke machines, pretty much sums up the awesomeness that is Labyrinth. Of course, I think you're more likely to be taken by the movie if you're a child of the 80s like me. It's right up there with The Dark Crystal and The Neverending Story.

No Haven, I was the one confused. LOL I saw the Spanish version of the film and didn't realize the English title was Pan's Labyrinth. The Labyrinth you all are talking about sounds more like the type of movie I was expecting when I saw this one.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I have pretty much had it with my in-laws. The first 10 years my MIL was nasty to me. She would wait till we were alone and then she would make really hurtful comments to me. I left the house and cried all the way home many many times. The problem was she would never say those things in front of her son. Maybe 5 or 6 years ago she slipped and lit into me in front of FIL and my hubby. FIL got back in her face and apologized later. I have been accused of things I have never done on several occasions as well. Her MIL treated her horribly and she does the same thing to her DIL's and doesnt even see it.

I forgave her and I thought for the last 20 years we did ok. Recently however, they sent letter to us saying that they were no longer going to send gifts to us and our adult children. We were very happy about this and thought it was a great idea. When they called that week on the phone we talked all seemed well. 6 months lather they got a hold of DH and said they were so upset because he had made a comment to them asking if he was now going to have to take care of them, and I was in the background laughing and making fun of them! None of this happened! They insist that it did. They are really losing it. There is no amount of convincing we can do to change their minds. We are just avoiding them at this point, and afraid to share anything with them. They are seemingly healthy but have both been taking some medication that we think is causing this.

I think we were good in laws when my daughter was married. I want to be a good one. I am really worried about a scenario like Ilanders which you have no control over.

 

[CharmedOne]

L2S, honestly all you can do is be yourself. Unfortunately most of the time the is friction is due to jealousy and you can't control that. Pretending to be someone your not to keep the peace will eat away at you for sure. In my case the three family members that disliked me did everything they could to break us up. They lied, stole things from me and were just plan nasty bitter people. Then I started noticing different things like: I cut my hair short then they all cut their hair short. I buy a ring with a pink stone it, the SIL bought one of them would too. My husband bought me car for my birthday, the SIL bought a new car the same color. Both times I got pregnant, the SIL was pregnant a month or two after me. It was crazy. Once I realized this, I stopped being rude to then even though they were rude to me. It was difficult, but after a while they backed off because I refused to fight with them anymore. We all get along now. We aren't close but we are cordial.

They have admitted that I am a great wife and mother. Which is something I never thought I would ever hear. I wish you the best with your DIL. My MIL and I have had some big blown out arguments and I always feel bad because it put my DH in the middle. But that has only happened five or six times, in 17 years. I can't even imagine how it is for some of you gals that have to deal with that all the time. You would think that after seeing what their behavior is doing to their son, they would want to change or work things out for him.

 

[ieatbugs]

I struggle with this quite a bit.

My MIL is really neurotic and does not take responsibility for her own feelings. She is constantly sending the message to her son (my BF) that he is not capable of doing things on his own and I can see where this has really negatively affected his confidence in his abilities. He's a man in his thirties and when she came to visit she loudly proclaimed her SHOCK that our bed wasn't made and disappointment that she failed as a parent.

While BF was moving into my apartment, his parents insisted on coming down to help...his mid 70's year old father who had just had hernia surgery 3 weeks prior told us that spending money on movers to move the Queen size bed was a complete and total waste of money because he could have done it single handedly!

Then, his parents got into a really nasty yelling argument in our living room afterwards because his mother didn't like the location we planned on putting a lamp she gave us, and she got angry and took it out on his father. I actually had to leave because it got so bad it was triggering an anxiety attack!

In the past month, boyfriend has gotten phonecalls about the following apropos of nothing:

1. She is so EMBARRASSED that we weren't able to send his nephew a $500 check for his christening...( keep in mind, we just gave the nephew money when he was born and I just spent 20k on surgery. BF has 40k of student loans. The parents of the nephew are extremely well off and own 3 houses.)
2. She is SO concerned about my boyfriend's 401k contribution that she has nightmares.
3. We need to be told to drive safely and NOT drive drunk, because what if she forgets to tell us and then we die? She'll never be able to live with it.
4. She had planned on cooking a large and rather unhealthy breakfast and was insulted that we didn't have time to do this when we went up to visit last weekend ot get the car inspected and update the registration that she threw a hissy fit and refused to speak to us for an hour.
5. When we go visit and stay with her, if we don't eat EVERY MEAL with her the entire time it "doesn't count"
6. If we meet up with her or go on vacation and spend time somewhere other than her house it doesn't count as "coming to see her" or "spending quality time"

It seriously borders on emotional abuse, I feel like.

Does anyone have tips for this sort of meddling mother? I'm an extremely independent person and this just boggles my mind.

Thanks, feels good to vent about this.

And by "we", I mean ME!

Came across this article the other day:
http://www.rd.com/slideshows/13-things-your-mother-in-law-wont-tell-you/

Oh man, the first point made me weepy! (Must be hormones.) I imagined that was me holding DS's arm while being "replaced" by his wife.

Of course moms aren't really replaced- a mom is a mom and irreplaceable but normally a wife does take over the #1 woman role in a man's life.

My relationship with my MIL started out horribly! She hated me from the start, for absolutely no reason. I see now that she thought I was taking her (only) son away. She would nitpick and start fights over the most ridiculous things. My reaction was to get mad at her crazy and irrational behavior and have less to do with her. Which made her even more upset so I'd withdraw more and so on. Had she just told me her true feelings from the start, we could have avoided years of drama. Of course now, since I have my own son, it's easier for me to see how she may have felt. This article really made me realize - again - how she may have felt/still feel with this change. If I can see her point of view, and she mine, we'll have understanding and it will be easier to work out our issues.

Today our relationship is pretty good- I think she uses DS as a substitute for DH in terms of doting and getting to care for someone again. She's a great grandma! I'm very thankful for that.

Here's the same type of article for MILs:
http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/mother-in-law-daughter-in-law/sshow10-things-daughter-in-law-wont-tell

You know how some couples go through counseling before they get married? I think it'd be a good idea for MILs and DILs to do so as well!

Just thought I'd share these articles in case they can help the MILs and DILs out there gain some understanding.

 

[ieatbugs]

LALove, I just had to share this excerpt from one of the articles you linked: I SO identify with this and maybe someone can explain what this is about.

"Let's stop standing on ceremony

I know it bothered you that I didn't send you a thank-you note for hosting my parents at your home, but I wasn't being a rude ingrate. It's just that I had started to think of us all as one clan, not as each other's house guests"


My BF's mother is SO insistent upon this: we get three phone call reminders and a strong guilting about how much we are embarassing/humiliating her if we don't send cards for every single insignificant event to like, every person in the entire family.


What is this about? I have NEVER experienced this. We have great relationships with the cousins and the aunts and the grandparents, we see them 10 times a year and always go up and call for holidays and whatnot: why is she so worried if we don't send a card for Columbus Day or Boxing Day that it will irreparably damage or destroy relationships?

And by "we", I mean ME!

Came across this article the other day:
http://www.rd.com/slideshows/13-things-your-mother-in-law-wont-tell-you/

Oh man, the first point made me weepy! (Must be hormones.) I imagined that was me holding DS's arm while being "replaced" by his wife.

Of course moms aren't really replaced- a mom is a mom and irreplaceable but normally a wife does take over the #1 woman role in a man's life.

My relationship with my MIL started out horribly! She hated me from the start, for absolutely no reason. I see now that she thought I was taking her (only) son away. She would nitpick and start fights over the most ridiculous things. My reaction was to get mad at her crazy and irrational behavior and have less to do with her. Which made her even more upset so I'd withdraw more and so on. Had she just told me her true feelings from the start, we could have avoided years of drama. Of course now, since I have my own son, it's easier for me to see how she may have felt. This article really made me realize - again - how she may have felt/still feel with this change. If I can see her point of view, and she mine, we'll have understanding and it will be easier to work out our issues.

Today our relationship is pretty good- I think she uses DS as a substitute for DH in terms of doting and getting to care for someone again. She's a great grandma! I'm very thankful for that.

Here's the same type of article for MILs:
http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/mother-in-law-daughter-in-law/sshow10-things-daughter-in-law-wont-tell

You know how some couples go through counseling before they get married? I think it'd be a good idea for MILs and DILs to do so as well!

Just thought I'd share these articles in case they can help the MILs and DILs out there gain some understanding.

 

[AmeliaG]

I struggle with this quite a bit.

My MIL is really neurotic and does not take responsibility for her own feelings. She is constantly sending the message to her son (my BF) that he is not capable of doing things on his own and I can see where this has really negatively affected his confidence in his abilities. He's a man in his thirties and when she came to visit she loudly proclaimed her SHOCK that our bed wasn't made and disappointment that she failed as a parent.

While BF was moving into my apartment, his parents insisted on coming down to help...his mid 70's year old father who had just had hernia surgery 3 weeks prior told us that spending money on movers to move the Queen size bed was a complete and total waste of money because he could have done it single handedly!

Then, his parents got into a really nasty yelling argument in our living room afterwards because his mother didn't like the location we planned on putting a lamp she gave us, and she got angry and took it out on his father. I actually had to leave because it got so bad it was triggering an anxiety attack!

In the past month, boyfriend has gotten phonecalls about the following apropos of nothing:

1. She is so EMBARRASSED that we weren't able to send his nephew a $500 check for his christening...( keep in mind, we just gave the nephew money when he was born and I just spent 20k on surgery. BF has 40k of student loans. The parents of the nephew are extremely well off and own 3 houses.)
2. She is SO concerned about my boyfriend's 401k contribution that she has nightmares.
3. We need to be told to drive safely and NOT drive drunk, because what if she forgets to tell us and then we die? She'll never be able to live with it.
4. She had planned on cooking a large and rather unhealthy breakfast and was insulted that we didn't have time to do this when we went up to visit last weekend ot get the car inspected and update the registration that she threw a hissy fit and refused to speak to us for an hour.
5. When we go visit and stay with her, if we don't eat EVERY MEAL with her the entire time it "doesn't count"
6. If we meet up with her or go on vacation and spend time somewhere other than her house it doesn't count as "coming to see her" or "spending quality time"

It seriously borders on emotional abuse, I feel like.

Does anyone have tips for this sort of meddling mother? I'm an extremely independent person and this just boggles my mind.

Thanks, feels good to vent about this.

And by "we", I mean ME!

Came across this article the other day:
http://www.rd.com/slideshows/13-things-your-mother-in-law-wont-tell-you/

Oh man, the first point made me weepy! (Must be hormones.) I imagined that was me holding DS's arm while being "replaced" by his wife.

Of course moms aren't really replaced- a mom is a mom and irreplaceable but normally a wife does take over the #1 woman role in a man's life.

My relationship with my MIL started out horribly! She hated me from the start, for absolutely no reason. I see now that she thought I was taking her (only) son away. She would nitpick and start fights over the most ridiculous things. My reaction was to get mad at her crazy and irrational behavior and have less to do with her. Which made her even more upset so I'd withdraw more and so on. Had she just told me her true feelings from the start, we could have avoided years of drama. Of course now, since I have my own son, it's easier for me to see how she may have felt. This article really made me realize - again - how she may have felt/still feel with this change. If I can see her point of view, and she mine, we'll have understanding and it will be easier to work out our issues.

Today our relationship is pretty good- I think she uses DS as a substitute for DH in terms of doting and getting to care for someone again. She's a great grandma! I'm very thankful for that.

Here's the same type of article for MILs:
http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/mother-in-law-daughter-in-law/sshow10-things-daughter-in-law-wont-tell

You know how some couples go through counseling before they get married? I think it'd be a good idea for MILs and DILs to do so as well!

Just thought I'd share these articles in case they can help the MILs and DILs out there gain some understanding.

Are you sure your in-laws aren't suffering from the first stages of dementia? It's hit two of my relatives and the symptoms sound the same.

 

[ieatbugs]

Amelia, I definitely can't say they aren't. In particular, BF's father. He is suffering from severe hearing loss and absolutely refuses to get a hearing aid or even admit that he can't hear, but it's terribly obvious. He turns the TV up to maximum value and has a very hard time engaging in conversation, and really tries to sort of...pretend that he can hear.

His mother, on the other hand....well, her sister told me that she was just as incorrigible as a child, to the point where one of their siblings chased her around the house with a butcher knife! But it might be getting worse as she gets older. Weird thing is that she doesn't do it anywhere near as much to her youngest son, she reserves it for my boyfriend.

BF's parents are actually divorced, but still live together because neither of them could afford to live on their own when they initially split up.

The whole thing is, frankly, bizarre!

I struggle with this quite a bit.

My MIL is really neurotic and does not take responsibility for her own feelings. She is constantly sending the message to her son (my BF) that he is not capable of doing things on his own and I can see where this has really negatively affected his confidence in his abilities. He's a man in his thirties and when she came to visit she loudly proclaimed her SHOCK that our bed wasn't made and disappointment that she failed as a parent.

While BF was moving into my apartment, his parents insisted on coming down to help...his mid 70's year old father who had just had hernia surgery 3 weeks prior told us that spending money on movers to move the Queen size bed was a complete and total waste of money because he could have done it single handedly!

Then, his parents got into a really nasty yelling argument in our living room afterwards because his mother didn't like the location we planned on putting a lamp she gave us, and she got angry and took it out on his father. I actually had to leave because it got so bad it was triggering an anxiety attack!

In the past month, boyfriend has gotten phonecalls about the following apropos of nothing:

1. She is so EMBARRASSED that we weren't able to send his nephew a $500 check for his christening...( keep in mind, we just gave the nephew money when he was born and I just spent 20k on surgery. BF has 40k of student loans. The parents of the nephew are extremely well off and own 3 houses.)
2. She is SO concerned about my boyfriend's 401k contribution that she has nightmares.
3. We need to be told to drive safely and NOT drive drunk, because what if she forgets to tell us and then we die? She'll never be able to live with it.
4. She had planned on cooking a large and rather unhealthy breakfast and was insulted that we didn't have time to do this when we went up to visit last weekend ot get the car inspected and update the registration that she threw a hissy fit and refused to speak to us for an hour.
5. When we go visit and stay with her, if we don't eat EVERY MEAL with her the entire time it "doesn't count"
6. If we meet up with her or go on vacation and spend time somewhere other than her house it doesn't count as "coming to see her" or "spending quality time"

It seriously borders on emotional abuse, I feel like.

Does anyone have tips for this sort of meddling mother? I'm an extremely independent person and this just boggles my mind.

Thanks, feels good to vent about this.

And by "we", I mean ME!

Came across this article the other day:
http://www.rd.com/slideshows/13-things-your-mother-in-law-wont-tell-you/

Oh man, the first point made me weepy! (Must be hormones.) I imagined that was me holding DS's arm while being "replaced" by his wife.

Of course moms aren't really replaced- a mom is a mom and irreplaceable but normally a wife does take over the #1 woman role in a man's life.

My relationship with my MIL started out horribly! She hated me from the start, for absolutely no reason. I see now that she thought I was taking her (only) son away. She would nitpick and start fights over the most ridiculous things. My reaction was to get mad at her crazy and irrational behavior and have less to do with her. Which made her even more upset so I'd withdraw more and so on. Had she just told me her true feelings from the start, we could have avoided years of drama. Of course now, since I have my own son, it's easier for me to see how she may have felt. This article really made me realize - again - how she may have felt/still feel with this change. If I can see her point of view, and she mine, we'll have understanding and it will be easier to work out our issues.

Today our relationship is pretty good- I think she uses DS as a substitute for DH in terms of doting and getting to care for someone again. She's a great grandma! I'm very thankful for that.

Here's the same type of article for MILs:
http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/mother-in-law-daughter-in-law/sshow10-things-daughter-in-law-wont-tell

You know how some couples go through counseling before they get married? I think it'd be a good idea for MILs and DILs to do so as well!

Just thought I'd share these articles in case they can help the MILs and DILs out there gain some understanding.

Are you sure your in-laws aren't suffering from the first stages of dementia? It's hit two of my relatives and the symptoms sound the same.

 

[AmeliaG]

Well usually controlling parents still make some sense, but parents suffering from the first stages of dementia usually stop making sense or they repeat something ad nauseum like you MIL worrying that she's forgotten to warn you to drive safe. Or being concerned with your BF's 401K contribution so much she loses sleep.

This is going to be a hard road. Both my father and my aunt denied it for the longest time and refused to get tested. Even afterwards, they were not easy to handle. My father got helpless and my aunt got paranoid. She started to call 911 every night and say her children were coming to kill her. It was scary. Both of them forgot simple things like turning off the stove, locking the door and turning off the car. We were worried they were going to kill themselves.

Amelia, I definitely can't say they aren't. In particular, BF's father. He is suffering from severe hearing loss and absolutely refuses to get a hearing aid or even admit that he can't hear, but it's terribly obvious. He turns the TV up to maximum value and has a very hard time engaging in conversation, and really tries to sort of...pretend that he can hear.

His mother, on the other hand....well, her sister told me that she was just as incorrigible as a child, to the point where one of their siblings chased her around the house with a butcher knife! But it might be getting worse as she gets older. Weird thing is that she doesn't do it anywhere near as much to her youngest son, she reserves it for my boyfriend.

BF's parents are actually divorced, but still live together because neither of them could afford to live on their own when they initially split up.

The whole thing is, frankly, bizarre!

I struggle with this quite a bit.

My MIL is really neurotic and does not take responsibility for her own feelings. She is constantly sending the message to her son (my BF) that he is not capable of doing things on his own and I can see where this has really negatively affected his confidence in his abilities. He's a man in his thirties and when she came to visit she loudly proclaimed her SHOCK that our bed wasn't made and disappointment that she failed as a parent.

While BF was moving into my apartment, his parents insisted on coming down to help...his mid 70's year old father who had just had hernia surgery 3 weeks prior told us that spending money on movers to move the Queen size bed was a complete and total waste of money because he could have done it single handedly!

Then, his parents got into a really nasty yelling argument in our living room afterwards because his mother didn't like the location we planned on putting a lamp she gave us, and she got angry and took it out on his father. I actually had to leave because it got so bad it was triggering an anxiety attack!

In the past month, boyfriend has gotten phonecalls about the following apropos of nothing:

1. She is so EMBARRASSED that we weren't able to send his nephew a $500 check for his christening...( keep in mind, we just gave the nephew money when he was born and I just spent 20k on surgery. BF has 40k of student loans. The parents of the nephew are extremely well off and own 3 houses.)
2. She is SO concerned about my boyfriend's 401k contribution that she has nightmares.
3. We need to be told to drive safely and NOT drive drunk, because what if she forgets to tell us and then we die? She'll never be able to live with it.
4. She had planned on cooking a large and rather unhealthy breakfast and was insulted that we didn't have time to do this when we went up to visit last weekend ot get the car inspected and update the registration that she threw a hissy fit and refused to speak to us for an hour.
5. When we go visit and stay with her, if we don't eat EVERY MEAL with her the entire time it "doesn't count"
6. If we meet up with her or go on vacation and spend time somewhere other than her house it doesn't count as "coming to see her" or "spending quality time"

It seriously borders on emotional abuse, I feel like.

Does anyone have tips for this sort of meddling mother? I'm an extremely independent person and this just boggles my mind.

Thanks, feels good to vent about this.

And by "we", I mean ME!

Came across this article the other day:
http://www.rd.com/slideshows/13-things-your-mother-in-law-wont-tell-you/

Oh man, the first point made me weepy! (Must be hormones.) I imagined that was me holding DS's arm while being "replaced" by his wife.

Of course moms aren't really replaced- a mom is a mom and irreplaceable but normally a wife does take over the #1 woman role in a man's life.

My relationship with my MIL started out horribly! She hated me from the start, for absolutely no reason. I see now that she thought I was taking her (only) son away. She would nitpick and start fights over the most ridiculous things. My reaction was to get mad at her crazy and irrational behavior and have less to do with her. Which made her even more upset so I'd withdraw more and so on. Had she just told me her true feelings from the start, we could have avoided years of drama. Of course now, since I have my own son, it's easier for me to see how she may have felt. This article really made me realize - again - how she may have felt/still feel with this change. If I can see her point of view, and she mine, we'll have understanding and it will be easier to work out our issues.

Today our relationship is pretty good- I think she uses DS as a substitute for DH in terms of doting and getting to care for someone again. She's a great grandma! I'm very thankful for that.

Here's the same type of article for MILs:
http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/mother-in-law-daughter-in-law/sshow10-things-daughter-in-law-wont-tell

You know how some couples go through counseling before they get married? I think it'd be a good idea for MILs and DILs to do so as well!

Just thought I'd share these articles in case they can help the MILs and DILs out there gain some understanding.

Are you sure your in-laws aren't suffering from the first stages of dementia? It's hit two of my relatives and the symptoms sound the same.

 

[ieatbugs]

Yeah, it's difficult: by all accounts most members of the family say she's ALWAYS been a bossy fretting worry wart, even as a child. I will definitely keep an eye out for that other stuff.

What she is upset about is certainly not rational, but it's hard to tell if she has had a lifelong untreated anxiety disorder or if it could be coming from dementia. The house is clean, she makes these crazy impressive quilts, and doesn't lack in hygiene...but definitely isn't very good at mood regulation.

Thanks for the tip, I will keep an eye out. She does go to her doctor pretty regularly at least!

Well usually controlling parents still make some sense, but parents suffering from the first stages of dementia usually stop making sense or they repeat something ad nauseum like you MIL worrying that she's forgotten to warn you to drive safe. Or being concerned with your BF's 401K contribution so much she loses sleep.

This is going to be a hard road. Both my father and my aunt denied it for the longest time and refused to get tested. Even afterwards, they were not easy to handle. My father got helpless and my aunt got paranoid. She started to call 911 every night and say her children were coming to kill her. It was scary. Both of them forgot simple things like turning off the stove, locking the door and turning off the car. We were worried they were going to kill themselves.

Amelia, I definitely can't say they aren't. In particular, BF's father. He is suffering from severe hearing loss and absolutely refuses to get a hearing aid or even admit that he can't hear, but it's terribly obvious. He turns the TV up to maximum value and has a very hard time engaging in conversation, and really tries to sort of...pretend that he can hear.

His mother, on the other hand....well, her sister told me that she was just as incorrigible as a child, to the point where one of their siblings chased her around the house with a butcher knife! But it might be getting worse as she gets older. Weird thing is that she doesn't do it anywhere near as much to her youngest son, she reserves it for my boyfriend.

BF's parents are actually divorced, but still live together because neither of them could afford to live on their own when they initially split up.

The whole thing is, frankly, bizarre!

I struggle with this quite a bit.

My MIL is really neurotic and does not take responsibility for her own feelings. She is constantly sending the message to her son (my BF) that he is not capable of doing things on his own and I can see where this has really negatively affected his confidence in his abilities. He's a man in his thirties and when she came to visit she loudly proclaimed her SHOCK that our bed wasn't made and disappointment that she failed as a parent.

While BF was moving into my apartment, his parents insisted on coming down to help...his mid 70's year old father who had just had hernia surgery 3 weeks prior told us that spending money on movers to move the Queen size bed was a complete and total waste of money because he could have done it single handedly!

Then, his parents got into a really nasty yelling argument in our living room afterwards because his mother didn't like the location we planned on putting a lamp she gave us, and she got angry and took it out on his father. I actually had to leave because it got so bad it was triggering an anxiety attack!

In the past month, boyfriend has gotten phonecalls about the following apropos of nothing:

1. She is so EMBARRASSED that we weren't able to send his nephew a $500 check for his christening...( keep in mind, we just gave the nephew money when he was born and I just spent 20k on surgery. BF has 40k of student loans. The parents of the nephew are extremely well off and own 3 houses.)
2. She is SO concerned about my boyfriend's 401k contribution that she has nightmares.
3. We need to be told to drive safely and NOT drive drunk, because what if she forgets to tell us and then we die? She'll never be able to live with it.
4. She had planned on cooking a large and rather unhealthy breakfast and was insulted that we didn't have time to do this when we went up to visit last weekend ot get the car inspected and update the registration that she threw a hissy fit and refused to speak to us for an hour.
5. When we go visit and stay with her, if we don't eat EVERY MEAL with her the entire time it "doesn't count"
6. If we meet up with her or go on vacation and spend time somewhere other than her house it doesn't count as "coming to see her" or "spending quality time"

It seriously borders on emotional abuse, I feel like.

Does anyone have tips for this sort of meddling mother? I'm an extremely independent person and this just boggles my mind.

Thanks, feels good to vent about this.

And by "we", I mean ME!

Came across this article the other day:
http://www.rd.com/slideshows/13-things-your-mother-in-law-wont-tell-you/

Oh man, the first point made me weepy! (Must be hormones.) I imagined that was me holding DS's arm while being "replaced" by his wife.

Of course moms aren't really replaced- a mom is a mom and irreplaceable but normally a wife does take over the #1 woman role in a man's life.

My relationship with my MIL started out horribly! She hated me from the start, for absolutely no reason. I see now that she thought I was taking her (only) son away. She would nitpick and start fights over the most ridiculous things. My reaction was to get mad at her crazy and irrational behavior and have less to do with her. Which made her even more upset so I'd withdraw more and so on. Had she just told me her true feelings from the start, we could have avoided years of drama. Of course now, since I have my own son, it's easier for me to see how she may have felt. This article really made me realize - again - how she may have felt/still feel with this change. If I can see her point of view, and she mine, we'll have understanding and it will be easier to work out our issues.

Today our relationship is pretty good- I think she uses DS as a substitute for DH in terms of doting and getting to care for someone again. She's a great grandma! I'm very thankful for that.

Here's the same type of article for MILs:
http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/mother-in-law-daughter-in-law/sshow10-things-daughter-in-law-wont-tell

You know how some couples go through counseling before they get married? I think it'd be a good idea for MILs and DILs to do so as well!

Just thought I'd share these articles in case they can help the MILs and DILs out there gain some understanding.

Are you sure your in-laws aren't suffering from the first stages of dementia? It's hit two of my relatives and the symptoms sound the same.

 

[Imdanny]

Yeah, well, we have to cut everyone some slack and hope they do the same so yes, I cut her some slack. By some I mean I wish I didn't have to but that's life.

 

[texaskj]

Danny...good to see you.

Sometimes, for your own mental health, you have to break your give-a-shitter. You can't make someone like you.

 

[Circe]

Ieatbugs, your post reminded me I this advice column SO much.

http://captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/247-marrying-into-a-family-with-awful-boundary-issues-or-secrets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/

I know from dealing with people with poor boundary issues, but, uh, not because of my inlaws, if you know what I mean: which is to say, my husband has the patience of a saint, because my folks cross the line a lot.

On the basis of personal experience? A lot of dealing with people like that is deprogramming the offspring. I always made a point of standing between my husband and my parents so the inappropriateness didn't affect him any more than it had to, but it took YEARS to get to a point where he didn't get it at one remove because they'd upset ME.

Bottom line: parents can love their kids very much, but when they see their adult children as extensions of their own psyches and not separate, individual people, it's unhealthy. Don't see it as anything other than an issue of theirs, and set boundaries early and often.

 

[packrat]

Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle, beyond the Goblin City..

One of my favorite movies ever. Love love love it big puffy heart it. Jim Henson was brilliant.

My MIL and I have never been fans of each other, never will be, and I will never cut her slack. I tried like hell to "win her over" and make her like me in the beginning, but she wouldn't have any of it. I took her son away and I'll never be good enough, ever. And that's fine w/me. She brought her life upon herself, I didn't have a thing to do w/it, and her son is the person he is today b/c of himself and ME. Not her. Actually, in some ways because of her I guess, b/c he hated how she lived her life and how she treated him, he didn't want to be anything like her.

 

[DNB]

My MIL and I get along fine. When we were first married (1981) she did try to be overly involved. DH quickly put a stop to it. Ever since it's been just fine. My parents and my inlaws became friends so we all get along great.

My youngest son will be proposing soon to his gf of just under two years. We adore her and that's because she adores our son. I can't imaging disliking her because she marries my son. He's an adult that we raised to be just that, an independent adult, not tied to us so tightly that there wasn't room for anyone else. They are great about splitting their time with both us and her parents, but we don't sweat if they see them more nor do we keep track. She isn't an interloper, she's going to be his wife. She should be more important to him.

 

[CharmedOne]

Packrat, that movie was one of my favorites. It's funny because my oldest son, now 17, didn't remember watching it at all. So about a month or so ago it was on cable and he watched it with me. He was like "Oh yeah, I kinda remember this or that" LOL it's still on my Netflix query list to watch. BTW Jennifer Conally (I think that's her name) is married with two kids to the guy from the movie Priest and Legion. Boy he is a hottie!

Back to the MIL topic.

I do sympathize with your husbands position on his mom. I am in the same boat. I have done everything the exact opposite way she did when it comes to being there and raising my kids. It has been the best decision I ever made, so I guess in a way she had a hand in it. The way we differ is he still has contact with his mom or parents. I haven't spoken to my mom in 17 years and honestly sometimes I wish it were different. But I can say this, not having a relationship with her has saved me from a lot of stress and drama, that I am happy to do without.

 

[ieatbugs]

This article is TOTALLY spot on, thanks for sharing it! I will definitely be sending this to my boyfriend.

Lucky for me my partner has always got my back and we agreed very early on to always present a "united front' when dealing with her. We sort of decide and plan on our boundaries during visits beforehand and strategize.

I tried to suggest that he get a 'burner' cell phone and leave it at home and just give that number but he's convinced she'd find his real one anyways

I think the hardest thing for me is seeing my partner be treated as if he's a failure, because I feel like it clearly has had some negative impact on his self esteem, albeit small. Also, when she really gets into guilting, he gets angry and kind of blows up at her and just hangs up the phone and I'm not sure it's the best way for him to handle it (but it's not like I can think of anything better to do either. I just wish it didn't upset him.)

Ieatbugs, your post reminded me I this advice column SO much.

http://captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/247-marrying-into-a-family-with-awful-boundary-issues-or-secrets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/

I know from dealing with people with poor boundary issues, but, uh, not because of my inlaws, if you know what I mean: which is to say, my husband has the patience of a saint, because my folks cross the line a lot.

On the basis of personal experience? A lot of dealing with people like that is deprogramming the offspring. I always made a point of standing between my husband and my parents so the inappropriateness didn't affect him any more than it had to, but it took YEARS to get to a point where he didn't get it at one remove because they'd upset ME.

Bottom line: parents can love their kids very much, but when they see their adult children as extensions of their own psyches and not separate, individual people, it's unhealthy. Don't see it as anything other than an issue of theirs, and set boundaries early and often.