Your thoughts??

[onedrop]

I know this dilemma comes up a lot for brides, so I thought I''d ask the PSer''s opinions. In what circumstance do you, or do you not invite the significant others of your bridal party?? And by S.O. I mean, long-term boyfriend/girlfriend, husbands, FI, etc.

This is my reason for asking this question: I am the BM in the wedding of a close friend at the end of March, but my FI is not invited to the wedding. When she sent out her invites the bride was not aware that my FI is now in town and living with me. She didn''t know this because for a number of reasons our friendship hasn''t been the greatest lately. The background is long and convoluted, but the bottom line is that she doesn''t approve of my relationship. Not because she doesn''t like my FI, or because he mistreats me or anything like that. From what I have been able to ascertain from her is that the basis of her lack of support is that me and my FI are of different faiths and she does not agree in principal with interfaith marriage. She''s made all of this judgement without having spent any significant time with my FI (her choice). However, despite all of the issues between us, I am still 100% participatory in her wedding. I am happy for her and her upcoming wedding and I want to share that with her.

When I actually received the invite it was addressed only to me which was logical because she didn''t know FI was now living here permanently. Before sending back the response card, I asked her whether the invite was for me only or for both me and FI (by this time she knew he was here). She responded that because of the #s and what have you, that the invite was only for me. My rational side knew that she would probably say that FI was not invited, because of numbers. However the emotional side of me was a bit surprised by her response because if I put myself in her shoes, I would have squeezed her plus-one in because she would be standing up for me as a BM and because it''s her FI.

There really is no right or wrong answer here. She is entitled to invite or not invite anyone she wants to her wedding. And I realize that it costs $$$ each time you add another plate. I totally accept that. However, I just wanted to find out if other brides have been in similar situations where you have been asked to add people to the guest list?

I have no intention of asking her to do this of course. It''s a moot point for this particular case now. Being a bride myself I don''t want to offend, hurt anyone if placed in the same situation.

Thanks for your advice.

 

[janinegirly]

i think you''re being far too kind--i''d be po''d! You''re in the bridal party and engaged for pete''s sake.

anyway, i suppose weddings are expensive, but it''s my belief the focus should be on close friends and family enjoying themselves. Meaning if that means inviting less guests so that guests and especially bridal party can have their SO''s there, then that''s fine.

I went to a wedding where I was given a huge lecture as to why my SO (now FI) was not invited (he wasn''t in the picture long enough, not my husband,etc etc). I of course politely acquiesed, but the wedding was one of the worst I''d been too. They''d stretched their budget to invite more and worried about appearances so much that they failed to realize all the guests could tell and it made for a lousy time. Anyway, kind of a tangent but that''s my 2 cents.

 

[robbie3982]

I think it''s awful that she''s not inviting your FI! He''s your FI! We''re inviting the bf/gf''s of any guest who is in a serious relationship and it''s not like we have a huge budget. It''s just the right thing to do.

 

[luckystar112]

Not only that, but when it''s time for you to get married do you think she''ll suck it up in order to support YOU on YOUR day?!
Do you even want someone who doesn''t support your relationship at your wedding?

I realize I have no idea if you''re inviting her or not...

 

[poptart]

I would be so angry if I were in your position. I actually would probably not go to the wedding because I don''t want to be friends with people who don''t approve of my family and the people I love. I have had friends like this in the past and the ending of the relationship was never pretty. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you stand up for yourself though. Best of luck!

*M*

 

[So_happy]

Our budget is so tight and we are trying to have 100 guests with 10k. (I know it''s not the smallest budget ever but it''s purty darn small lol). When we went over guest lists, we both agreed that even if no other guest was allowed a plus one if they wern''t engaged to, married to, or living with thir SO, our bridal party would still be allowed to!! And we have 10 in our party so that''s 20 guests out of our 100! In the end, some may still not bring someone due to the often un-planned for fact that a bridal party member''s guest is usually left alone for a lot of the time but they were still offered that courtesy.

So, if I were the bride in your situation, I would certainly add him in as a very anticipated guest at my wedding!!! The nerve of her!!!

He''s not a buddy of yours......he''ll be your husband for crying out loud!!!!

 

[monarch64]

Yeesh. We even phrased our invitations to single friends "so-and-so and guest." I cannot imagine being in your situation, at all. The whole thing would quite honestly turn me off the friendship completely, and I don''t think I would be inviting her or her future husband to my wedding. You''re a better woman than I for turning the other cheek, I guess!

 

[Pandora II]

I can see all the reasons that you are annoyed, but...

She didn't know that you FI was living with you when she sent out the invite (were you engaged at that point?)

I have a situation where I can have 120 guests tops. I will need to send out save the dates etc at least 7 months in advance. I will not be able to add anyone to the list no matter how engaged/living together they become in the intervening time unless I ask someone I have invited to not come instead.

FI and I have had to make a rule of no SO's unless they are engaged, or have been living together for over 1 year. Our first "definitely have to come" list was 185.

I've given my parents 10 places for their friends as I like all of them and my father is paying all the bills; but I haven't given FI's parents any invitations for friends (we're not even having FIL's new wife's 3 kids, which will be a fun argument to come). We both have such huge families anyway and we rather like our friends. I suggested to my mother that we could drop all my ghastly aunts and just have friends - even she was tempted!

Maybe your friend has a similar situation - if not, totally agree, I'd be seriously angry.

 

[dani13]

I believe the proper etiquette when it comes to inviting people w/guests to your wedding is this: if anyone you plan on inviting is married/engaged/involved in a long term relationship- they should be invited with option to bring a guest. Some people invite ALL single people with a guest, but more and more people are moving away from that these days since weddings are so expensive. I think I will just follow the basic rules when I send out my invites. When it comes to the bridal party though, I think you should probably give them the option of bringing a guest regardless, even if they are not married or engaged or in a LTR- just as a courtesy thing....

I think its very sad that this best friend of yours did not invite your FI. I guess she has her reasons, but that doesnt make it right. I know I personally would have a very difficult time being friends with someone who didnt approve of my FI enough to invite him with me to their wedding- I'd imagine that would be really hard.

Tough situation, and sorry you have to deal w/ this. Good luck!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 3/11/2007 5:17:28 AM
Author: Dani
I believe the proper etiquette when it comes to inviting people w/guests to your wedding is this: if anyone you plan on inviting is married/engaged/involved in a long term relationship- they should be invited with option to bring a guest. Some people invite ALL single people with a guest, but more and more people are moving away from that these days since weddings are so expensive. I think I will just follow the basic rules when I send out my invites. When it comes to the bridal party though, I think you should probably give them the option of bringing a guest regardless, even if they are not married or engaged or in a LTR- just as a courtesy thing....

I think its very sad that this best friend of yours did not invite your FI. I guess she has her reasons, but that doesnt make it right. I know I personally would have a very difficult time being friends with someone who didnt approve of my FI enough to invite him with me to their wedding- I''d imagine that would be really hard.

Tough situation, and sorry you have to deal w/ this. Good luck!

I agree. It seems like the right thing to do. I''m sorry you''re going through this!

 

[MustangGal]

I had a somewhat similar situation a few years back when I was engaged. I wasn''t in the bridal party, but my FI''s family was invited to a wedding. I grew up in the same neighborhood as the bride, and we had been somewhat friends when we were younger. Fi''s dad was friends with the bride''s father, and lived down the street from the groom. When fi''s family received the invitation I wasn''t included, even though we had been engaged over a year, and everyone involved knew about it. My MIL asked if I could attend, and was given the #''s excuse. I wouldn''t have been as ticked off by this if I didn''t know any one involved, but I thouht I knew the bride! A few weeks before I was told they now has space, I could come afterall. I did attend, but it was with sour feelings. They actually ended up divorcing 2 years after the wedding...

I think its pretty poor manners not to invite significant others, especially for the bridal party! Maybe try talking it over with her, and explain how you feel about the slight.

 

[RoseAngel04]

Didn''t read everyone''s comments but I cannot believe your friend! I would be really hurt and po''ed! For our wedding we are letting our guests who have a long term serious relationship, FI, whatev, come to the wedding as well.

 

[onedrop]

I thought for sure I would get flamed...but I see now that I am not alone in my feelings. I really have to thank all of you for your thoughts and support. Yes it is a bummer...and I guess it speaks a lot about the state of my friendship with this woman. It''s petty sad that it''s come to this point.

Pandora: I am not sure about the constraints of her guest list, but I do see your point. Which is why I did not say anything to her. I was engaged at the point that the invites were mailed, and FI and I had been in a serious relationship for a while. In fact she was the first person I told about him. So it''s not like she didn''t know that he existed. It''s just that by the time he moved in, my friendship with her had become strained, so I wasn''t sharing details of mine and FI''s relationship because she acted as if she didn''t care about what was going on.

MustangGal: Thanks for your suggestion. I really wish I could talk with her, but she is not being receptive at all. And I don''t want to seem like the one trying to cause trouble. At this point I want to just let it go and move on, which is probably easier said than done.

It''s two days out of my life and I will suck it up and make the best of it. As far as my wedding, she was invited, but as fate would have it she will be on her "family" honeymoon with her new husband and his daughter during my wedding. Which is just as well anyway.

 

[MustangGal]

If it''s still a while until the wedding, maybe she''ll change her mind, or have last minute cancellations and have extra space. You never know...

 

[onedrop]

Date: 3/11/2007 3:30:46 PM
Author: MustangGal
If it''s still a while until the wedding, maybe she''ll change her mind, or have last minute cancellations and have extra space. You never know...

You are so positive!!! The wedding is in three weeks. However I am not holding my breath for a change of heart on her end. I think the non-invite is about her stance on my relationship more than anything else. Nonetheless I''ll keep ya posted.

 

[poptart]

Date: 3/11/2007 8:56:02 PM
Author: onedrop

Date: 3/11/2007 3:30:46 PM

Author: MustangGal

If it's still a while until the wedding, maybe she'll change her mind, or have last minute cancellations and have extra space. You never know...

You are so positive!!! The wedding is in three weeks. However I am not holding my breath for a change of heart on her end. I think the non-invite is about her stance on my relationship more than anything else. Nonetheless I'll keep ya posted.

I was surprised to hear that you decided to go in the end. Hopefully she will have a change of heart and realize that acceptance is an important part of a relationship.

*M*

 

[diamondfan]

You are certainly being more even tempered about this than I would be. I am sorry, but phooey on her judgments about interfaith marriages. That is just tough as far as I am concerned. You are happy, you have a man who loves you, and that is ALL that should matter. She does not have to perform your ceremony for you, and I think she can suck it up and invite the both of you to her wedding. Pretty much that is how I see it. But, people can and do lots of not so nice things, or thoughtless things, so honestly, I do not know what to say. You are being lovely and gracious and more tolerant than I would be about it, that is for dang sure. I really wish I had some more words of wisdom for you, but frankly I think it is pretty crappy of her not to just put his name on the invite and not be so judgmental.

 

[sarie_j]

I agree with everyone else = if you''re having a party where you''re inviting people who are attached (engaged, living together, married, etc.) then you have to invite the significant other. It''s just what you do, if you don''t have the space or money to invite both then don''t invite just one - Kinda like when you were young and your mom wouldn''t let you eat in front of company because if you didn''t have enough for everyone then it was beyond rude to not offer everyone some.

The comment about the recent serious developments if interesting though - it is true that invites normally do out rather early, so I''m not sure about the situation of someone becoming engaged or something in between. That''s a very good question for our etiquette experts on here -- what DO you do in that situation?

 

[sarie_j]

And by the way, if her witholding an invite was a judgement about my relationship and the man that I was going to marry then I really don''t think I could bring myself to attend -- You are a much better person than I, I couldn''t go without worrying about being hateful or letting everyone know about her intentional snub -

 

[onedrop]

I have to say again, I thought for sure I was being petty about my FI not being invited to this wedding. But more and more I feel justified in my feeling after reading this comments posted here. Thanks AGAIN for all of the support. If I were not in the bridal party I would not attend the wedding at all. However at this point I have committed and said I would be there. If I bailed at this point, I think I would feel like I would be sinking to her level by just not attending at all. In some way I want to know (for myself) that I took the high road.

 

[janinegirly]

taking the high road does not mean being a doormat.
i agree, maybe you don''t have to throw a fit or even pull out of the wedding (b/c that would create a real problem for her and prob end your friendship), but you can certainly express yourself civillly (but to the point) so she realizes you think this is insulting, but that you will be stoic and supportive on her day since you are the better person. (if you want to take that route that is...)

i mean she''s still a close friend of yours, you should be able to be upfront. i think it sounds like she''s kind of jealous of you and FI for some reason and knows you are an easygoing person and is taking advantage of it.

it is definitely a crap move on her part.

 

[onedrop]

Date: 3/12/2007 3:10:20 PM
Author: janinegirly
taking the high road does not mean being a doormat.
i agree, maybe you don''t have to throw a fit or even pull out of the wedding (b/c that would create a real problem for her and prob end your friendship), but you can certainly express yourself civillly (but to the point) so she realizes you think this is insulting, but that you will be stoic and supportive on her day since you are the better person. (if you want to take that route that is...)

i mean she''s still a close friend of yours, you should be able to be upfront. i think it sounds like she''s kind of jealous of you and FI for some reason and knows you are an easygoing person and is taking advantage of it.

it is definitely a crap move on her part.

I definitely have to agree with you on the doormat point (about my being one so far). And in this particular friendship I have been just that. This situation makes it painfully obvious how uneven things have become over the years. And you may be on to something about her real motives, however I have NO idea what is really going on with her. Other friends knowing the situation are hinting at jealousy as well, but I really don''t know.

I was trying to avoid having it out with her until after both of our weddings, but something will have to give sooner than that.