your thoughts?

[inflorescence]

What do you think are the most common reasons why guys are reluctant to propose?

 

[amc80]

1) They aren't sure they are with the person they want to marry
2) They don't think they are in "that stage" yet, such as still being in school or none of their friends are married
3) They aren't reluctant, but just need time to get their ducks in a row (buy a ring, buy a house, etc.)

I think 2 & 3 can be overridden if number 1 isn't true.

 

[suchende]

They think they can put it off longer

 

[wwmd8118]

I think a big reason is money. Once my BF and I we moved in together and across the country, we knew that we were in it for the long haul. BUT, it's taken another 2 years to get to the proposal (not quite there yet... ) because of finances. Not only saving money for the ring but also the whole *provider* mentality. My BF wants to be in a financial position to take care of me if need be, so he didn't want to propose if he was living paycheck to paycheck. Now we've moved past that and he's just putting the final touches (i.e., dollars ) into the ring. So, I think money and wanting to be in a certain financial position or place in life are definitely key factors.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

1) They aren't sure they are with the person they want to marry
2) They don't think they are in "that stage" yet, such as still being in school or none of their friends are married
3) They aren't reluctant, but just need time to get their ducks in a row (buy a ring, buy a house, etc.)

I think 2 & 3 can be overridden if number 1 isn't true.

True.

The bolded part especially.

 

[suchende]

I know of someone who won't propose until his GF finds a full-time job that she's content with. She's younger than him and that's his barometer of maturity.

 

[Dancing Fire]

What do you think are the most common reasons why guys are reluctant to propose?

diamonds are too expensive...

 

[Indylady]

1) They aren't sure they are with the person they want to marry

This one.

I think 2 and 3 happen less commonly than guys actually use it. Its hard to believe the 'stage' or money thing if the couple is living together and are making it work through that time.
2) They don't think they are in "that stage" yet, such as still being in school or none of their friends are married
3) They aren't reluctant, but just need time to get their ducks in a row (buy a ring, buy a house, etc.)

 

[FuturePsyD]

Fear of "growing up". Being a husband is a big responsibility and I believe that many guys want to extend their bachelorhood as long as possible.

I also think insecurity is a big issue for some guys and not believing they have what it takes to be a good husband.

And of course the more obvious issues such as being "too young", money issues, not finished with school, family not liking his girlfriend, etc.

 

[confusedaisy]

I know of someone who won't propose until his GF finds a full-time job that she's content with. She's younger than him and that's his barometer of maturity.

This seems a little silly to me. There's clearly an underlying issue of trust and maturity and just getting a job doesn't make a grown-up. Sad. I know a couple like this too and he's giving her silly requirements for the ring. At the end of the day, he doesn't trust her yet. Trust is earned over time. Sigh...

As far as reasons go- honestly- I have no clue. Sometimes it's a thousand different things all wrapped up into one reason.

 

[inflorescence]

They think they can put it off longer

!!! Agreed!!

 

[Nomsdeplume]

1) They are not sure their girlfriend is "the one". I have actually discussed this with a number of friends who dated a girl for years (one even dated someone for 10 years before finally admitting that she wasn't the girl he wanted to marry) and this has been the number one reason most of them have given for not proposing. The relationship isn't a bad one, which is why they stick around for so long, but they never felt like they wanted to marry the girl. I got really mad at some of them because they led the girls on, took them ring shopping etc, only to get "cold feet". Men.

2) They are put under too much pressure. I know someone who broke up with a girl because all she would talk about was weddings and rings, even though she knew he was not in a financial position to pay for any of that. He said that eventually he was completely put off the idea of proposing because he felt that she was pushing too hard, and that she just wanted to get married, and not necessarily married TO HIM.

3) They are very young and marriage seems scary at that age.

 

[suchende]

I know of someone who won't propose until his GF finds a full-time job that she's content with. She's younger than him and that's his barometer of maturity.

This seems a little silly to me. There's clearly an underlying issue of trust and maturity and just getting a job doesn't make a grown-up. Sad. I know a couple like this too and he's giving her silly requirements for the ring. At the end of the day, he doesn't trust her yet. Trust is earned over time. Sigh...

As far as reasons go- honestly- I have no clue. Sometimes it's a thousand different things all wrapped up into one reason.

She's not asking for a ring yet, this is what he's told me privately, and I think it's smart. He wants to know who she'll be when all the possibilities and "what ifs" for her future have folded down into mundane reality (which is often a little disappointing and less exciting than hopes and dreams). Maybe he doesn't trust her-- I don't trust college students to know what they really want from life either.

 

[chemgirl]

I know of someone who won't propose until his GF finds a full-time job that she's content with. She's younger than him and that's his barometer of maturity.

This seems a little silly to me. There's clearly an underlying issue of trust and maturity and just getting a job doesn't make a grown-up. Sad. I know a couple like this too and he's giving her silly requirements for the ring. At the end of the day, he doesn't trust her yet. Trust is earned over time. Sigh...

As far as reasons go- honestly- I have no clue. Sometimes it's a thousand different things all wrapped up into one reason.

She's not asking for a ring yet, this is what he's told me privately, and I think it's smart. He wants to know who she'll be when all the possibilities and "what ifs" for her future have folded down into mundane reality (which is often a little disappointing and less exciting than hopes and dreams). Maybe he doesn't trust her-- I don't trust college students to know what they really want from life either.

My sister's boyfriend is doing this exact thing. She is totally cool with it. She wants to wait until she is stable in her career before they get engaged. What if she can't find a job? What if she gets a position in another city? She may need to go back to school to further specialize. She doesn't want to drag him around during her discovery phase. They know they want to be together, but they want to start their marriage after getting the career stuff squared away.

Hasn't really been discussed yet, but some guys are terrified of commitment. Sometimes its because of the girl they are with, and sometimes its a deeper fear (fear of growing up, screwing up, taking on responsibility etc). There are guys who are just afraid of everything that comes with getting married. Living up to the husband stereotype is a lot of pressure, even more so if he grew up in a household where there were marital issues.

 

[princesss]

They're not ready and/or they're not with "The One". If a guy is ready and he's with the right woman, he gets engaged.

 

[zoebartlett]

Not necessarily in any order:

1. They want to be in a more stable financial situation.
2. They're just not ready yet. Girl timelines are waayyyy different than guys' timelines. Plus, guys and girls don't mature at the same time. A girl could be thinking, "I'm ready to get engaged any time!" but the guy could be thinking, "Whhaaaa?"
3. They feel pressured to propose and begin to dig their heels in the ground.

 

[chemgirl]

1) They are not sure their girlfriend is "the one". I have actually discussed this with a number of friends who dated a girl for years (one even dated someone for 10 years before finally admitting that she wasn't the girl he wanted to marry) and this has been the number one reason most of them have given for not proposing. The relationship isn't a bad one, which is why they stick around for so long, but they never felt like they wanted to marry the girl. I got really mad at some of them because they led the girls on, took them ring shopping etc, only to get "cold feet". Men.

2) They are put under too much pressure. I know someone who broke up with a girl because all she would talk about was weddings and rings, even though she knew he was not in a financial position to pay for any of that. He said that eventually he was completely put off the idea of proposing because he felt that she was pushing too hard, and that she just wanted to get married, and not necessarily married TO HIM.

3) They are very young and marriage seems scary at that age.

In their defense, they were probably feeling pressure from their gf to propose and took her ring shopping to make her happy for the moment. Some guys don't always look at how their actions fit in to the bigger picture. They just see their girlfriend upset, she's probably brought up a ring 20+ times, and they take her shopping to make her happy. Obviously not a good idea, but I can sort of see how a particularly dense guy might think it is.

I do think the right girl is a huge part of it. If a guy is dating the right girl, has a stable career, and has ticked off whatever he feels necessary to be "ready" he will most likely propose. DH was one of those commitment-phobe people and mutual friends warned me that he would never get married. He dated a girl for 7 years, was finished school, and had a stable career. She even moved to another continent to be with him when he transferred for work, with the understanding that they'd be engaged shortly after. Well they weren't. She got serious LIWitis and he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to dump her in a strange country, but he didn't want to get married (to anyone he thought). In the end, she was planning their wedding (sans engagement) and he was hospitalized for a wedding related panic attack. Things sort of dissolved after everything came to the surface.

Fast forward two years and we are happily married. He was the first one to bring up marriage and he proposed after 8 months of dating. He said "I never thought I'd get married. Marriage has always been such a negative and stressful topic. Weird how I'm looking forward to it now."

What I'm trying to get across, and in a really bad and long winded way, is that guys who lead girls on aren't all total jerks. There is something holding them back, but they usually have no idea what it is. Most of them wouldn't know how to answer SweetPepsiGirl's question.

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

1) They aren't sure they are with the person they want to marry
2) They don't think they are in "that stage" yet, such as still being in school or none of their friends are married
3) They aren't reluctant, but just need time to get their ducks in a row (buy a ring, buy a house, etc.)

I think 2 & 3 can be overridden if number 1 isn't true.

Good Points.

Sometimes I think they are just comfortable with the way things are. If someone is already living together happily, and aren't ready for kids or to buy real estate,or need anything that marriage would help, then getting married may not be a priority. (guy OR girl).

 

[swingirl]

They hear their married friends tell them that once you get married the sex slows down and bills go up.

But honestly, I think every person has their own reasons for wanting or not wanting to get married and every situation is different. I don't think men were so reluctant to get married before couples started living together.

 

[suchende]

They hear their married friends tell them that once you get married the sex slows down and bills go up.

But honestly, I think every person has their own reasons for wanting or not wanting to get married and every situation is different. I don't think men were so reluctant to get married before couples started living together.

Why on earth would this be true? BF and are are moving in together when our leases and up and will save around $700/mo each in the process.

 

[swingirl]

They hear their married friends tell them that once you get married the sex slows down and bills go up.

But honestly, I think every person has their own reasons for wanting or not wanting to get married and every situation is different. I don't think men were so reluctant to get married before couples started living together.

Why on earth would this be true? BF and are are moving in together when our leases and up and will save around $700/mo each in the process.

Because after you plan the wedding and honeymoon ($$$), the reality of "married life" kicks in. Most (not all) married women want a house, children, furniture, college education funds, etc. —— all the things that represent being settled down for the rest of your lives.

And you may disagree but I live mostly around married people who live in houses, have mortgages, children, cars, are saving for college, and worry about jobs.

 

[suchende]

Ha, well, having kids and being a real adult are more correlated with marriage rather than a causal relationship, but fair enough, I can see how that would get fuzzy.

 

[confusedaisy]

I know of someone who won't propose until his GF finds a full-time job that she's content with. She's younger than him and that's his barometer of maturity.

This seems a little silly to me. There's clearly an underlying issue of trust and maturity and just getting a job doesn't make a grown-up. Sad. I know a couple like this too and he's giving her silly requirements for the ring. At the end of the day, he doesn't trust her yet. Trust is earned over time. Sigh...

As far as reasons go- honestly- I have no clue. Sometimes it's a thousand different things all wrapped up into one reason.

She's not asking for a ring yet, this is what he's told me privately, and I think it's smart. He wants to know who she'll be when all the possibilities and "what ifs" for her future have folded down into mundane reality (which is often a little disappointing and less exciting than hopes and dreams). Maybe he doesn't trust her-- I don't trust college students to know what they really want from life either.

Agreed.

 

[confusedaisy]

They hear their married friends tell them that once you get married the sex slows down and bills go up.

But honestly, I think every person has their own reasons for wanting or not wanting to get married and every situation is different. I don't think men were so reluctant to get married before couples started living together.

Why on earth would this be true? BF and are are moving in together when our leases and up and will save around $700/mo each in the process.

Because after you plan the wedding and honeymoon ($$$), the reality of "married life" kicks in. Most (not all) married women want a house, children, furniture, college education funds, etc. —— all the things that represent being settled down for the rest of your lives.

And you may disagree but I live mostly around married people who live in houses, have mortgages, children, cars, are saving for college, and worry about jobs.

Disagree? Absolutely not-Isn't that becoming an adult? I mean, it doesn't need to be a "house"- but a space that is comfortable and makes you happy- not necessarily with mortgage in tow. Children/college funds... isn't this all discussed beforehand? And why does it need to be all or nothing? Shouldn't this be an exciting time? My bf is excited about the engagement/wedding part but more than anything he's excited about being married and moving to that next stage in life. People who have "fear of commitment" or moving on- I don't get it. Is it cause I'm a woman? I know women who are afraid of being married and "not having sex with anyone else for the rest of their life"- and I don't get that either. It's like, grow up!! And that's what I want to say to those men who have been with their gf's for 5,10,15,20 years, who say "I love you, I can't image being without you... but I'm not ready to "commit"... GROW UP!! If she's not the one... let her go!! Otherwise, grow up and take a chance!! Sorry for the rant... I have plenty of gf's who's sig others dangle the carrot in front of them. "When you have a job, when you have enough in the bank, when we're both XX age, excuse, excuse, excuse" Just grow up. And listen, I absolutely understand wanting to be more stable or wanting to be in a better place financially, but then once you've done that- move forward! It's those men who use ANY and EVERY excuse to prolong the inevitable... get it over with... do it or don't... my two cents!

 

[yssie]

I had that "fear of commitment". I was something of a party girl in college, didn't meet DH until halfway through my last year and from the beginning it was *different*. He told me he knew I was the "one" after about a year together.. and I worried about him proposing before I was ready, because though I loved him and could imagine happily being with him for the rest of my life, I wasn't ready to sign, seal, and deliver on those fantasies.

It really, truly had nothing to do with him.

I'm eternally grateful that he didn't push it, let me take my time and figure out what I needed to do for myself, with myself. If he'd been harping on rings, diamonds, thinking about every vacation we took as a proposal opportunity - I'd have split right quick, I know that. Obviously he knew that too.

Some people really do just need to be permitted to enjoy the now of the relationship without being bombarded with The Future - and not just men. Especially if both partners are young - we were engaged at 22, married at 24, there was no rush..

 

[confusedaisy]

I had that "fear of commitment". I was something of a party girl in college, didn't meet DH until halfway through my last year and from the beginning it was *different*. He told me he knew I was the "one" after about a year together.. and I worried about him proposing before I was ready, because though I loved him and could imagine happily being with him for the rest of my life, I wasn't ready to sign, seal, and deliver on those fantasies.

It really, truly had nothing to do with him.

I'm eternally grateful that he didn't push it, let me take my time and figure out what I needed to do for myself, with myself. If he'd been harping on rings, diamonds, thinking about every vacation we took as a proposal opportunity - I'd have split right quick, I know that. Obviously he knew that too.

Some people really do just need to be permitted to enjoy the now of the relationship without being bombarded with The Future - and not just men. Especially if both partners are young - we were engaged at 22, married at 24, there was no rush..

But I don't think that's fear of commitment per-se. I think youth is another factor all unto itself. What bothers me is the late 30's man who feels like he still has "oats" to sow and needs to feel "free"... whatever that is.

I know I'm generalizing and I don't mean to. I too was a college girl who wasn't ready for the "serious" relationship thing. But I grew up- I met someone who I really had a connection with and I trusted him. I took a chance. It could have gone the other way- it still can- who knows? People change. Isn't life about taking chances and taking steps forward?

 

[suchende]

I ditto what confused said. 28+, you start to wonder what they're thinking.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

They're not sure you're the one...

 

[Anonymous]

I think that the big ones have all been said. I do think though that a guy that has the "I'm not ready to settle down yet" or someone worrying about only getting to have sex with that one person for the rest of their lives clearly does not (at least at that point) love their partner the way that someone ready to propose should. When you REALLY love that person for who they are, sex is important but you need to be able to ask "If s/he got in a terrible accident tomorrow and we could never have sex again, would it break us?"

I had that question asked - not directly, but indirectly. It opened my eyes to the bigger picture and really drove home the calmness that comes with knowing that you are with the right person for you.

So yeah, I think anyone who asks these questions either A. isn't with the right one or B. hasn't been with that person long enough to know them inside and out, and to be comfortable with accepting that whole person as-is for the rest of their lives. I also think that unless there's some serious extenuating circumstances, you should be at that level with your partner within the first few years. This is from the 25-28+ age group...so I guess that has to be considered. I think people really come into their own around 25-28 for women, 28-30 for men. Before then, it's feasible that the reason he hasn't asked yet is that he just truly is not ready to make a lifelong commitment.

The whole "she's pushing so much that he's running in the opposite direction" idea is highly probable too. It becomes so much about ring/engagement/wedding planning that they don't get to enjoy their SO's qualities that made them fall in love in the first place!

 

[inflorescence]

They hear their married friends tell them that once you get married the sex slows down and bills go up.

I should give them my text book to read.. people have more sex when married compared to cohabiting/dating relationships.

I think they are just scared to share finances....

My bf wants me to get accepted to dental school first (99.9% sure).... not like I don't have enough pressure on my shoulders trying to get in... *sigh*. I feel like I need to be good enough for him/his family (not that he directly says it)... cause they place a HUGE emphasis on education.....they always rank people on how many titles they have in their name ...I am an incredible person and it frustrates me that I NEED a paper to prove it.... ..... guess his CEO parents want to make sure I have my own $$$....
It's a little bit of a pain in the butt because we are traveling right now while I am in school and if decide to go out one night instead of studying he mentions the DAT/ dental school....... blah....... what happened to all the fun?!?

I get the "I want to enjoy this time now together, I do want to spend the rest of my life with you.... but lets finish this trip first" Won't you always be enjoying time together with me?!?! We have been through alot and we know each other inside and out..... I almost feel like we are married without the ring so what would be the advantage of him putting a ring on my finger for him?
I feel extra vulnerable because I have made huge sacrifices/decisions: I will be moving to another city (where he is from), changing schools... I left my really sweet job and had an abortion (I know everyone has different views on this topic, it is something very emotional for me and I am not happy with my decision. While he thinks it was the right choice.).... but yet he has everything in place for him... where is his commitment to me?