Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really?

[kenny]

According to this article it's just healthy and normal for this developmental stage ... that is, in 2014.

Do you agree?

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/health/mdmama/2014/07/sexting_and_middle-schoolers_surprising_and_not-so-surprising_facts.html

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

I think sexual curiosity is natural in that age. And I VIVIDLY recall being in 8th grade and having peers laugh at me because I REALLY thought that a a certain slag term for a specific sexual act was a something you got done at a hair salon. When I was informed of what the term really meant, I remember being both intrigued by the mechanics and skeeved out by the prospect. A "People DO that??? Well, I'M never doing that." reaction.

It sounds like today's 8th graders (and younger) have visual aids at their fingertips and the skill and curiosity and not to mention the tools to 'share' that knowledge by more than word of mouth.

Not surprising. But Kiddie **** is also a sexting reality. And so are the fines and arrests that are made pursuant to that. So I think it's VERY important for parents to not just discuss the moral lines not to cross, but also the legal lines.

Read further here: http://www.teenvogue.com/advice/2011-06/sext-education and http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/Arrests-High-School-Sexting-Scandal-207901801.html

 

[momhappy]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

I consider it no more "normal" than the family that allowed their 5 year-old to jump up and down (on her feet) & yell in the restaurant booth behind us tonight at dinner. Not my kind of parenting (or lack there of) and neither is allowing my middle-schooler to sext….

 

[distracts]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

In fifth grade (10/11 years old) was when my peer group got really interested in sex stuff. We didn't have cellphones back then but I'm sure we would have been sexting if we did. By the time AIM took off (late middle school?) we were certainly using that medium to, uh, explore. I think as long as they're not sending pics it's fine. Just because they are sexting does not mean there is actual intent to have sex - it's just another way of exploring their sexuality which, like it or not, is developing at that age.

Honestly, I think kids are gonna have sex whenever they're gonna have sex and no amount of supervision is going to stop that. I was let loose by my parents, had sexually explicit chats online, certainly was not an innocent flower where the internet was concerned, was allowed to sleep over at boys' houses, and didn't become sexually active until the latter half of college, because I just didn't find anyone I liked until then. Some of the most sheltered kids I know, whose parents had internet restrictions, didn't allow them to have cellphones, tight curfews, etc, were the kids you walked past having sex in the high school stairwell. I dunno. I think if you're blocking specific activities without addressing the mental reasons those activities are occurring, you're doing parenting wrong. You need to change the mindset, not just stop the behavior. And with something like sexual desire, you're not going to stamp it out, so you need to concentrate on healthy outlets and helping your child determine them and be aware of ramifications.

(Also, Gypsy, LOL! That sounds like me - when the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal hit the news, I had NO IDEA what a blowjob was but was very clear on the fact that it happened under a desk. I was always checking under my desk in class for stray blow jobs that might get me in trouble or ruin my clothes! OH ALSO, OJ Simpson. When OJ is just orange juice. OJ killed someone. I was really paranoid about orange juice for quite a while.)

 

[JulieN]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

The article says 5% of middle schoolers are sending sexts, 95% arent,. Nothing to lose ones mind over.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

I think if you're blocking specific activities without addressing the mental reasons those activities are occurring, you're doing parenting wrong. You need to change the mindset, not just stop the behavior. And with something like sexual desire, you're not going to stamp it out, so you need to concentrate on healthy outlets and helping your child determine them and be aware of ramifications.

TOTALLY agree with this. I'll tell you honestly my mother decided to have the 'sex' talk with me to tell me how much to 'value' myself and not share my body too easily AFTER I had already lost my virginity. Great timing mom. In all honesty right around 8th grade is when she SHOULD have talked to me about it. Or even earlier. I had sex ed when I was 10 and 12. She knew I was in theclasses. And was the perfect opening for her. She didn't take it. Stuck her head in the sand. And I wasn't a very 'early bloomer'. Kids were having sex WAY before I was. ESPECIALLY the boys!

Sticking your head in the sand and saying "I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT" isn't worth a hill of beans. Your kids will find a way. Best thing you can do is talk to them honestly so they aren't left to make up their minds in a vacuum. Honestly, if my mom had talked to me earlier, I probably wouldn't have lost my virginity when I did. And no, Kenny, or any other pot stirrer I'm not sharing more than that. It's already TMI.

I'd talk to my kids right around 10 or 12 years old. And make sure, AGAIN that they know the legal ramifications of sexting, not just any moral ones. If it's too early for them... that's okay. Better than being too late.

(Also, Gypsy, LOL! That sounds like me - when the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal hit the news, I had NO IDEA what a blowjob was but was very clear on the fact that it happened under a desk. I was always checking under my desk in class for stray blow jobs that might get me in trouble or ruin my clothes! OH ALSO, OJ Simpson. When OJ is just orange juice. OJ killed someone. I was really paranoid about orange juice for quite a while.)

SO FUNNY! Paranoid about Orange Juice. That's priceless.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

(Also, Gypsy, LOL! That sounds like me - when the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal hit the news, I had NO IDEA what a blowjob was but was very clear on the fact that it happened under a desk. I was always checking under my desk in class for stray blow jobs that might get me in trouble or ruin my clothes! OH ALSO, OJ Simpson. When OJ is just orange juice. OJ killed someone. I was really paranoid about orange juice for quite a while.)

OMG distracts that is hysterical

 

[momhappy]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

My daughter is in the 10/11 age range and she is definitely NOT interested in sex stuff - I really don't think that her peers are either. I realize that my daughter is pretty immature for her age (which I consider to be a blessing!!!), but I just don't see her peers as being all that "sexual" either. We have lots of kids her age in our neighborhood, at social functions, etc., so I get plenty of opportunities to get to know the kids a little bit. I'm sure that kids her age are interested in this sort of thing - I'm not completely naive - but I would be shocked if kids my daughter's age were sexting (heck, many of them don't even have their own phones yet - my daughter included).

 

[ruby59]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

My children grew up in a different time where cell phones were not a "must have" among children. They did exist, but mine were not allowed to have one until age 16, when they could pay for it.

Also, mine were not allowed to have my space accounts or facebook or whatever until age 16. All computer use was monitored until then.

I am sure my children had the same curiosity about their bodies as other children, but like Mom said it at 10 or 11 mine still played with toys.

The problem as I see it is not their own curiosity but the fact that with the Internet it is no longer just them and very close friends, but an entire world who can potentially become a part of it. And as we know, on the Internet everything is permanent.

How will they feel when they are older to know these pictures exist? Will it affect their future when trying to start a career? 10 or 11 - parents need to step in and have that talk.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

10 or 11 - parents need to step in and have that talk.

I agree completely. Time to start a dialog.

I was playing with dolls at 10-11. That right when my neighbor decided that Ken and Barbie could have sex (you know, despite the whole anatomically incorrect thing) and have babies. And that's when another friend stole a Play Girl magazine from I don't remember where (some convenience store we went to for candy with her mom). I still didn't have a clear idea what anything really WAS (as evidenced by the 8th grade b-job surprise) but that was when parental intervention and education should have started with me AND my friends.

Most parents, and frankly especially the ones who feel they are "in touch" are the most naive in my experience. My mom was borderline helicopter mom (she was one, but she worked a lot), and we lived with my grandparents who were home all the time so they couldn't help being helicopters. AND we had no cell phones or internet.

And my friends 'moms', especially the ones who were 'friends' with us all were some of the worst. They REALLY thought they knew us and knew what we were doing. I can guarantee you they did not. In fact most of the kids with helicopter parents were the ones that were the BEST at getting away with things. Because their parents had been over protective their whole lives and these kids had already learned work around and how to snow their parents. I was GREAT at getting away RIGHT under my parent's nose. Right across the street with kids that they knew, and they were friends with their parents.

In fact it was at a GTG with my mom's friends, a barbeque, where there were adults EVERYWHERE with a 2 to 1 ratio to the kids that I was taught how to swear in a number of different languages and BAD swearing, that STILL makes me blush if I think about it. You may think that you know what's going on right under your nose as a parent, but you don't. At one point, with this same group of my parents friends, when I was in highschool (years after the swearing education, my parents are lifelong friends with these folks) a couple of kids were dating (parents had no idea that the two were dating) and were having sex in one of the bathrooms. Parents were right in the next room.

My aunt and uncle, in contrast to my own parents, never took anything on faith. Both kids hit 10-11 they started talking to them about sex and all kinds of adult stuff. Mostly with "fairly soon you will notice that you and your friends are going to start getting curious about girls/boys and sex and I wanted to talk to you about it so you know from me the truth about these things and you have some context." And you know what? My cousins made much better choices than I did.

My own husband and his first official girlfriend used to spend a lot of time alone in her room doing well, pretty much everything. How? Easy, the parents would go to sleep. She'd open her window, he'd climb in. Her parents had no idea what was going on. And neither did his.

The solution to that isn't bars on the window. It's talking with your kids early on about this stuff.

You can helicopter your kids to death, try to protect and insulate them from reality all you want. But they will still find a way to expose themselves to it. Best thing you can do is prepare them for it, not protect them from it. Kids are little individuals and they are going to have to go out into the big bad world you think earlier than as a parent your job is to PREPARE them for reality not overprotect them so that they end up unable to cope and making poor decisions or hiding under an apron for the rest of their lives.

 

[ruby59]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

100% correct Gypsy. I did watch my children but knew I could not be everywhere they were. That is why when my girls were 11, we had the talk. My husband did the same with our son. They knew the facts and the terms. We did not use baby words to describe body parts and acts but called them as they were. Mine were informed and thankfully made the right decisions. But it is still a cr*pshoot. We just got lucky.

There was one friend of my girls, whose mother was a helipcopter parent. Actually, she was the whole fleet. When her daughter came to play with my girls, she stayed. Would not let her attend sleepovers. Would not let her go out on Halloween or read certain books. She was like a bodyguard to her daughters. Protected them from the world rather than explain it to them.

Well, one, as soon as she became 18 moved out, and went wild. She got into EVERYTHING. The other is so timid she still lives at home and is afraid of everything. Go figure.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Your middle-schooler sexting is okay and normal. Really

Ruby, absolutely. I love what you said about about explaining the world to them instead of protecting themselves from it.

There was a girl with me in law school. Keep in mind we were 21 by then.

Her parents were SUPER strict with her. Even made her live at home when she went to college because they thought that she was "too young for her age." Never figured out that the reason that she was young for her age was because they over protected her and didn't let her grow up naturally.

I thought she was quirky but she seemed normal. Would talk about her parents being strict and about how happy she was to be on her own during classes. So I invited her out one night with our friends. We went to a club in DC. And usually my friends and I kept watch on one another just to make sure no one gets lost or left behind.

HOLY HECK. She was OUT OF CONTROL. She met two guys, and gave them both b-jobs in a dark corner of a club AT THE SAME TIME ( I walked in on it when I was looking for her, because she had disappeared). Didn't even get ones name. And that was BEFORE she got drunk.

I was terrified. At one point she says to me, "I have to make up for lost time!"

I was like: "You are going to end up dead in a ditch somewhere."

I watched her like a HAWK then at the first opportunity dragged her into a cab and took her home. Then she wouldn't stay unless I did so I stayed on the floor with her until she passed out, turned her on her side/back to make sure she was okay. Left her with a trash can and left. I never invited her out again. I was NOT having her death or rape on my conscience.

She had a HORRIBLE anxiety disorder too, about school and about going to work at a law firm. She had never been allowed to FAIL at anything. So she was terrified to the point of being a danger to herself at the thought of failing.

She was a freaking mess. I'll never forget her.

My cousin's best friend was helicoptered to death. Literally. Parents never let him fail. He got a bad grade in college. Killed himself.