Young girls and their relationship to food

[AGBF]

Aww, thanks Deb. I have thought about joining some kind of group, but I'm terrified ( of what, I'm not sure ). I remind myself many times a day that in order to raise healthy children, I must be healthy, so I make good choices many times a day. I wish I could get to the point where it wasn't all consuming, but I'm not sure that's a realistic goal for me. I wish you and your daughter peace, happiness and health.

You will instinctively know what is right for you, yennyfire. You are very wise and good...and the best mother.

Big hugs,
Deb

 

[Sky56]

Thanks for sharing. My short story. When I was a kid, my grandparents praised me for being a good eater. I felt proud of my appetite and ability to wolf down large quantities of food with their encouragement. My Mom, Dad, brother and I were rail-thin with big appetites. My brother and I put on weight in our 30's. My parents thought everybody should be thin; thankfully, I didn't need to deal with criticism about my eating habits as a kid, as we heard the negative comments from them when we were middle-aged adults. I think people should never criticize or comment about other peoples' weight or eating habits, especially parents to children; it is damaging psychologically. I think our society has a sickness about the issue. I think the people obsessed with other peoples' weight have a problem, not folks like me carrying some extra pounds.

 

[TooPatient]

Thanks for sharing your experiences!

"A" will be 14 in just a couple of weeks. She's been with us for a full year now and has come a long way. She started at about 90 pounds (at 5' 3" or taller) and picked at her meals so that she only ate about 300 calories per day. The doctor was worried about her weight but even more concerned about the visible signs of malnutrition.

She had spent her life with a woman with a very unhealthy approach to food -- 5-6 full meals (mostly take-out and frozen) per day, heaping plates, junk in between and more. This person told her that kids needed "kids' food" and that "grown up food" wasn't something they were expected to eat. She learned that if she didn't eat her meals, she'd be served ice cream and pie.
This woman is overweight with unhealthy consequences due to that weight. She told "A" that the only thing she had going for her was her body and that she should show as much skin as she could.

She spent a year with another unhealthy woman who continued telling her that she had nothing to offer but her body. This woman also told her that all animal products caused cancer and grain caused all other diseases. So fruits and veggies were all "A" had left. This woman continued with the message that kids couldn't be expected to eat "grown up food" and encouraged her to only eat what she felt like.

I'm not sure which of these people passed on other harmful "facts", but we've been working hard to teach her the realities of how her body works. Her stomach is NOT the size of a walnut and she CAN eat more than 1/4 cup of food in a meal. Water is a necessity for the body not just a suggested possibility.

Anyway, you get the point.

We are extremely lucky in that she has been wanting to work with us. She doesn't just take our word and eat a bunch of stuff just because but we are finally to a point where she listens and accepts fact. I wish we could be laid back about the whole thing. I really hate the idea of having a 13 year old count calories, protein content, fat content, carbs, etc. She should be enjoying being her age and gaining an understanding of moderation in a more relaxed way. Thanks to those unhealthy people she doesn't get that. Her meals are carefully watched. I do have to put food on her plate and carefully measure it. She does have to eat what she is handed.
We do explain why her body needs each thing and what sort of foods each of them comes from. We've even gone into that it is healthy to have treats from time to time as well. Hopefully by being so aware of it right now she'll be able to relax a bit later in life.
(Awesome news is she was up to 109 pounds at her last visit to the dr. Still a bit low for her height and frame, but close! We're still taking her in every 3 months for monitoring but the dr is no longer concerned about lasting damage to her body )


It is sad to watch so many of her friends have issues too. There are a few I can think of who clearly limit intake to an unhealthy amount. There is also one who goes out of her way to eat substantially more than is healthy for her because she knows it upsets her parents to see her so unhealthy.



Big hugs to all who are dealing with this! It is so very serious and such a big part of every day. I know that we are dealing with a very minor case in comparison to what so many others have been through. I can't imagine what those girls (and even boys) and their families go through every day.

 

[SB621]

Big hugs to Yenny and Gypsy. Thank you for sharing your stories- I can't imagine how difficult it is to share it so openly on the internet. It was very brave!

Thanks SB. I won't lie...I've been having a slight panic attack since my post and have thought about asking Ella to remove it, but if it helps Erinl (or anyone else), it's worth it.

I don't think ppl realize how harmful their words can hurt and the major damage it can inflict on children. If anything this entire topic, along with all the wonderful posters who shared their stories makes me want to stick to my guns more. I don’t mind rocking the boat so this fortifies my resolve to stand up to anyone who comments on my kids weight.

Thank you again to all the ladies for sharing what must have been extremely personal. I truly believe that the more you talk about the dangers of eating disorders with children/ teens the more ppl you can help them. The worst thing to do is just sweep the issue under the carpet.

 

[vc10um]

Lots and lots of hugs to all the wonderful, strong, amazing women who have shared such personal stories. You are all such inspirations and I hope that your stories are able to help others now and in the future.

One of the (many) reasons DH and I haven't started TTC yet is because, at 29, I'm starting to finally feel like Yssie: like I've finally managed to have a somewhat healthy relationship with food, exercise, and my body. I, too, was started out by a mother who was thin and beautiful (after growing up "chubby"), but we had a twist: we were on food stamps. So I was taught to clean my plate, otherwise we were wasting precious resources. It's a habit that stuck with me long after it should have, and long after I "needed" to. Because of that, I was always chubby growing up, and I ballooned to beyond obese when I was in college. Even though I was highly active, the activity couldn't counter the emotional investment with food. The women in my family reward, nurture, and show love through food. I'm having a hard time breaking that cycle even now. But I'm trying. And I'm praying, especially if I have a little girl, but also if I am blessed with a son, that I don't pass on the food and body issues my grandmother (who was morbidly obese for much of her adult life) and my mother (who has rarely in her adult life felt she was skinny enough) have saddled me with.

erinl, I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your MIL and SIL. Regardless of what path you choose to take, know that YOU, in the end, are the single greatest influence on your daughter, so just make sure you are doing the best you can every day at home, and eventually, I'm sure, things will all work out for the best.

 

[House Cat]

I haven't been hospitalized for over 10 years. The last time I was, the particular hospital that I was in also treated people who had eating disorders. At first, I didn't find this particularly alarming because when I arrived, the four girls who were there for that reason appeared to be attractive young women who were just on the thin side. After a few days, a new admit came to the ward. I had never seen anything like it. This young woman was so thin, that you could see the outline of her skull. If you look at a side view of a picture of a skull, you will see where it indents sharply at the temples and where the cheekbones jut out, you could see this perfectly on this young woman. She had a light covering of body hair all over her body. It was amazing that she could walk.

The other girls revealed to me that they all looked like that when they arrived to the hospital. That was why they were there!

They all had to learn to eat again. Each meal, they had a card that outlined the number of fats, proteins, carbs, etc that they were to eat. They had to take meds to help them to digest because their systems were completely shut down.

They were the most beautiful, sweetest, kindest people on the ward. I'm telling you that in the most honest truth. People can be pretty awful on a psych ward. I have seen people group up and make friends and then actually make fun of others who are more sick than them. It's pretty ironic because EVERYONE is there in a mental hospital and you would think that would humble everyone, but there are personality disorders at work, but I digress.

These women were always completely precious and lovely and caring.

To give you a scale of how seriously eating disorders are taken: People who are admitted to a psych ward for being suicidal are put on a 5150 hold. This means by law, the hospital has to hold them for 72 hours, not including the weekend. If you have good insurance (and you are in a good hospital) they will convince you to stay a full seven days.

The people who are admitted for eating disorders are given a goal weight and are not allowed to leave until they reach that weight. A couple of those girls had been there for over a month. The others had been there for weeks and weren't going anywhere anytime soon.

I think the dialogue going on here is amazing. It is important to take eating disorders very seriously and to try and counteract them taking hold in our children as much as we can. When someone makes a negative comment about food toward your children, please speak up. Grandparents are SO influential. They can be the most influential figure after parents. Personally, I would take people aside and tell them to stop making comments toward my children, but I have seen this with my own two eyes.

I thank the brave women who have spoken here. My heart goes out to you all.




Deb,

One thing that stood out to me on your first post about your daughter was the fact that she went through a med change after her weight gain. I've known many people who have gotten pretty emotional after a major weight gain due to their psych meds, me included! I was thinking that your daughter was probably already upset from the weight gain, then they changed up her meds? Did they do a full overhaul or did they just add something like topamax to counteract the weight gain? I ask because a full medication overhaul can be so destabilizing. Is she exhibiting any other symptoms?

Here's the thing, when I am unstable, I usually get very anxious. When I am anxious, I begin to try and control the world around me as a way to try and control the anxiety. If I can control everything, then everything can no longer make me anxious. It is completely irrational, of course, but this isn't rational thinking. This is chemically imbalanced thinking. This is me at the mild end of unstable, mind you. I'm sure you know to look at these symptoms on a spectrum from mild to severe from one end of depressed to the opposite end of manic.

If your daughter is unstable in any way, maybe that should be addressed and that might help her to manage her eating disorder symptoms a bit better. Maybe some calls into her team, therapist and psychiatrist, are in order? I am thinking that the very fact that she is falling into her control behaviors (soothing behaviors) is pointing to a bit of instability? This is, of course, for her professionals to evaluate.

Just a thought.

 

[blackprophet]

I hope you guys don't mind me weighing in (no pun intended)...

I'm a guy, but I can somewhat relate. I'm 70lbs heavier than I was when I left high school. But back then I thought I was fat. I was always made fun of by my parents, and derided for what I ate and how much I ate (Ironic because I didn't do the shopping).

But I wanted to add some thing that no one has said yet. Talk to your child. Ask her how your MIL comments make her feel. Tell her your thoughts and how she should handle those comment. I know she is only 5, but kids ability to take things on is increadible. As well, I have noticed (I'm a coach) that kids tend to listen to their parents first. So if you are saying its ok, your word will carry the most weight.

 

[yennyfire]

I hope you guys don't mind me weighing in (no pun intended)...

I'm a guy, but I can somewhat relate. I'm 70lbs heavier than I was when I left high school. But back then I thought I was fat. I was always made fun of by my parents, and derided for what I ate and how much I ate (Ironic because I didn't do the shopping).

But I wanted to add some thing that no one has said yet. Talk to your child. Ask her how your MIL comments make her feel. Tell her your thoughts and how she should handle those comment. I know she is only 5, but kids ability to take things on is increadible. As well, I have noticed (I'm a coach) that kids tend to listen to their parents first. So if you are saying its ok, your word will carry the most weight.

You make a very good point blackprophet! Thanks for speaking up! I have asked my 6 year old why she thinks she's fat and she couldn't really articulate it, but we then discussed that "fat" isn't a nice word and that being healthy is important and that healthy comes in many different shapes and sizes.

Housecat, thanks for sharing your story. I spent some time on a support board for people with eating disorders and saw photos similar to what you described. It was heartbreaking. I can so relate to how you can be at a good place and then something (possibly something small, seemingly innocuous) can cause you to go to a dark place where you feel out of control and in order to gain control somewhere, you start controlling what you eat.

Once again, I am in awe of some many of the wonderful members of this forum....what a strong, amazing group of people!

 

[AGBF]

One thing that stood out to me on your first post about your daughter was the fact that she went through a med change after her weight gain. I've known many people who have gotten pretty emotional after a major weight gain due to their psych meds, me included! I was thinking that your daughter was probably already upset from the weight gain, then they changed up her meds?

House Cat, I cannot thank you enough for your thoughtful and open posting. Not only did you share honestly about your own experiences, which-being first hand-were very helpful, but you were very empathic in bending your mind to possible causes of my daughter's distress.

I must tell you that my daughter's medications are under constant review and modification. We spend a full half hour, not a mere 15 minutes, with her psychiatrist discussing her life when we go for a visit and we go in together so that he gets to hear some reality rather than what her version of the week might have been. When she was seeing him for court-mandated therapy the visits were every week, although now we are going only every two or three weeks. She is 20 now and he has known her since she 12, so he knows her very well. She or I can call his office at any time for help, advice, or a request for some emergency medication change.

Her weight climbed gradually due to a combination of medications that worked well for her when no others did. One of those was Seroquel, which worked very well indeed in high doses. She wanted to get off it only because of its propensity to cause weight gain. The medication that was substituted for it (in combination, mind you, with two anti-depressants and a mood stabilizer) helped with weight loss. It is always the most delicate of balancing acts to get her medications aligned. If Saphris is too high, she weeps at night. If it is too low, she cannot sleep. (Seroqel was perfect.) So now two anti-depressants instead of one must be used to balance the weepy-making effects of the Saphris. Depakote is out (weight gain), so Lithium is used alone. Xanax, which she claims doesn't work at all and the psychiatrist hadn't wanted to use because it is addictive, is the only med that can be used as a PRN when she is screaming that she needs to go to the hospital. And so it goes. I am waiting for new discoveries of pharmaceuticals to be made. I believe that they must be forthcoming. We are still in the dark ages.

Thank you for caring.

Deb

 

[LLJsmom]

I'm hitting "send" with shaking fingers, as I've never spoken so openly about my struggles in a public venue....so please, be kind with any comments...this is one area where I am very fragile....

Yenny, you courageous and generous soul. You have my admiration and respect for being willing to share such a personal story in hopes of helping someone else. Big hugs to you..., and all the huge hearted PSers who are so willing to give and be vulnerable to come to the aid and comfort of others. You guys are all awesome!!

 

[yennyfire]

I'm hitting "send" with shaking fingers, as I've never spoken so openly about my struggles in a public venue....so please, be kind with any comments...this is one area where I am very fragile....

Yenny, you courageous and generous soul. You have my admiration and respect for being willing to share such a personal story in hopes of helping someone else. Big hugs to you..., and all the huge hearted PSers who are so willing to give and be vulnerable to come to the aid and comfort of others. You guys are all awesome!!

Thanks! It was a good lesson....so far, the world hasn't opened up and swallowed me whole!