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VegasAngel

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Is it weird for my husband to bring his mother to his office Christmas party? I cant/dont want to go because I cant be away from our baby for too long (Still breastfeeding). She gave him some sob story about being lonely & wanting to go so he invited her. I guess it bothers me because she treats him like he is 12, & I cant stand the woman. She told him "That your wife should be there to support you." Give me a friggen break. Am I being petty?
 

KimberlyH

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I can''t imagine my husband bringing his mom to an office party; then again I can''t imagine my husband going to an office party.

There are so many variables involved, including the company culture and office dynamics (i.e. if it''s a close-knit company with a familial environment it would seem less strange to me than if it''s an extremely corporate culture)

If they''re close, and he''s content in his decision to bring her I don''t think it''s a big deal, but it sounds like you don''t get along very well with her so maybe this is more about that then him taking her? I would think it was wrong if he chose to bring her as opposed to you, but that''s not the case.
 

KimberlyH

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I assumed there was, which is why I mentioned variables, including your relationship with her. So I guess the next questions for you are:

Is it worth arguing with him about this?
Will arguing change the situation? For the better or the worse?

When I say arguing I mean dissenting, not having a screaming match.

We''re all different, I don''t think I''d care, but I don''t have the relationship with my MIL that you do with yours.

I believe there are always more than two solutions to a problem (he goes with you or he goes with her) so perhaps you could think of a third solution such as having her babysit so you can attend with him for a bit, in between feedings, and then go home to the baby?
 

VegasAngel

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Well, I let him know (Which he already knew) I''m mad about it. He wont stand up & tell her no. So with that there is nothing I can really do. He told me he will talk to her about it afterwards, but what''s the point after the fact & she will just send him on another guilt trip. If he wants to take his mommy with him, fine.
 

TravelingGal

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Well, it seems there is more going on here, but I''ll answer your question at face value....

Personally I don''t think it''s weird. I think it''s nice. A couple of years ago, my previous company took everyone on a cruise to celebrate our 15th year anniversary. One of the guys who worked two jobs (including in our warehouse) brought his mother. They were immigrants from South America and obviously had been through a lot, so we all thought it was so sweet.

But maybe if was a normal American, I might have thought it was a bit more weird.
 

aussiegirl23

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Angel,

On face value I''d say it was a bit odd... I TOTALLY understand why you can''t go, but I guess that would say to me that he should go single. Bringing mom is like going to the prom with your cousin. Ugh.

But, having said that, I brought my grandpa to my work holiday party the last 3 years and he''s coming again this year. BUT, there''s a story there. My grandfather is Latvian and speaks fluently (and doesn''t seak English that fluently) and my boss''s husband is Latvian. They''re also both really into history and sailboats, and have a bunch of other stuff in common. They like to hang out with a few of the guys in development (from Poland and Yugoslavia I think) and it''s become this bizarre, yet popular tradition for me to show up with my grandpa and his famous gingerbreadmen.

So in my opinion, it can work out, and can be non-wierd, but it could also be strange. All depends on the mix of people.
It stinks that you don''t get to go. Any chance you could leave some bottles of milk behind and get a trusted sitter? I know NOTHING about babies or breast feeding, so forgive me if that is a totally naiive question! Hope this all works out!

Aussie : p
 

dtnyc

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I think it''s odd.
It''s like bring your parents to work day.
At my current company (major wall street bank) it''s no dates and for the last 3 jobs over 5 years it''s been no dates. I have only worked for 1 company where you could bring dates, and from what I recall not everyone took a date, because basically the company part is an extension of work. It''s not the social event of the season - or at least it shouldn''t be, it''s an extension of the office and it''s important to be professional. I personally wouldn''t find a married man bringing his mother to the holiday party to be "cute" I would definitely remark to my co-workers that it was weird.
I would think that a married man w/ a new baby would go to the party and probably duck out early to get home to his family.

What''s his company like?
 

Cheekyprincess

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I would be very worried he would end up the office joke if he brings his mommy! Get her to sit, pump some milk and go- even if you go seperately from your DH and only stay an hour or 2!
 

aussiegirl23

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hmm, guess i should add my company is TINY (i.e. 30 employees total) and our holiday parties are at somebody''s house -- not some 5-star hotel, or crazy night spot. very laid back, no tuxes and ball gowns, very homey....

i hope this makes more sense... i''m feeling like a dork now : p

Aussie : p
 

KimberlyH

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Date: 12/8/2006 10:28:22 PM
Author: aussiegirl23
hmm, guess i should add my company is TINY (i.e. 30 employees total) and our holiday parties are at somebody''s house -- not some 5-star hotel, or crazy night spot. very laid back, no tuxes and ball gowns, very homey....

i hope this makes more sense... i''m feeling like a dork now : p

Aussie : p
Aussie,

You are not a dork, there are so many variables involved, including company size and culture and people''s personal work experiences that influence their feelings. I''ve worked for a few small (no more than 10 people in the office) companies and I would have been comfortable bringing my dad, or even my mom, to a company function. I also worked for a larger, more corporate oriented company where I would have felt strange.

Vegas, I''m sorry you''re feeling like you just have to grin and bear it, so to speak. Not a fun position to be in, no matter the circumstances.
 

ladykemma

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vegas angel - pump your breasts, go and make a polite appearance. your child can live without you for two hours. Mommy is usurping your postion and you are letting her.

from a coworker persepctive, it''s weird, and will ruin his esteem in the eyes of his coworkers.
 

sumbride

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It''s totally weird. Showing up with his mom could really ruin his standing at the office. Either you should go, or he should go single, but he shouldn''t take his mother, no way, no how.
 

VegasAngel

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Thanks All.

My girl wont take a bottle, have tried & she''s not having it. I am giving her cups but she is still learning to drink from them. She doesnt drink enough out of them yet to get a good meal. By the time I got there, I would have to leave to feed her.

He already told his mom she can come & doesnt want to tell her no. He told me he feels weird about, wont do it again, & will tell his mother afterwards. This time I believe him. He asked his friends & they think it''s strange. One told him "Dude, I guess. As long as you two dont kiss & hold hands." Ha I found that hilarious. Honestly, I hope he gets made fun of that way he''ll never do it again.

Ok, I''m airing. There is a woman (Married) my husband works with who has been after him before & after we got married. I know he had something to do with her before we wed (I know his mother knows about it.) At some point she ran into his mother & father at the fathers Christmas party one year. My husband''s mother is Armenian & so is this woman & I guess they were chit chatting at this party. Anyway, I dont want his mother or him talking to this woman which I know is what''s going to happen. My husband said he will tell his mother to stay away, but I am sure the two will strike up a conversation. I find it disrespectful.
 

Mara

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yikes VA...first i think it''s weird but secondly knowing more..i definitely think it''s a recipe for disaster. it sounds like one of those cases where the mom might wish her son ended up with someone more like her (mom) or the same nationality...are you not Armenian? i dated an Armenian guy for a few years and he never would have ended up with me because he was so into his culture and his parents would have never approved!! and he never would want to be on the ''outs'' with family kind of thing. anyway, i feel for you but not sure what else you can do short of just flat out going..is there a way that someone can bring the baby to you at the party for you to skip out for 10 minutes to breast feed or something??? then you could have best of both worlds and keep the hoochie away from him!
 

decodelighted

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11,534
Get your beee-hind to that party NO MATTER WHAT! This is a defining moment. Either pay the babysitter extra for listening to the screaming hungry, non-bottle-taking girl ... or show up WITH the baby in a decorative sling ... BUT GO.

If he can''t "disinvite" Mom ... she goes too - whatever. But if you don''t go

a) you''re going to assume the worst & be miserable
b) you''re putting your relationship "second" to the baby

Babies don''t starve in a few hours & if she gets all that hungry I bet she takes a bottle from the babysitter. Crying won''t hurt her either.

Suck. It. Up. And. Go.
 

movie zombie

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Jan 20, 2005
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i wasn''t going to comment but decoded has given excellent advice. this is the kind of thing than undermines a marriage and you can stop that by merely being there. if you are not there you will always assume the worst.

if you get the babysitter its an excuse to leave early. if you show up with the baby there may be some gossip about that but its also an excuse to leave. show up, make your appearance, and you and hubby leave. and he needs to make it clear to his mother that she arrives and leaves when the two of you do.

movie zombie
 

Miranda

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Feb 18, 2006
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Vegas Angel, go to the party!!! I''m the kind of momma like you are. I nursed all three of my babies and never left them with anyone. I''m not sure when the party is or how old the babe is, but, if you''ve got a few days she can learn to at least drink a little from a bottle if you can leave her with someone you trust. If not, take her. It''s a time to protect your marriage. Your DH needs to feel supported by you. AND you need to guard your relationship from the hoochie! Good luck to ya!
 

Maria D

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Vegas Angel, I think deco''s advice and the reasons she gave for it are right on. I also think that as weird as it will look for your husband to bring his mom, it will look less weird if you are there too. If your baby is a newborn (and I''m guessing she is by the fact that she nurses so often) I don''t think it will seem at all strange to people if you bring her in a sling. At my own "office" Christmas party this year (it''s actually a school, not an office) two women on maternity leave are expected to come and both will be bringing their newborns with them. With you and possibly your daughter there, your husband looks like uber-family guy who brings everyone along. Kinda different, but not downright weird like: brought mommy and left wife & daughter home. You''d be doing him a professional favor while at the same time messing up your MIL''s possible agenda w/ the Armenian woman.

If you do leave your daughter with a sitter, you may be presently surprised that she takes a bottle nicely (or at least enough not to feel uncomfortably hungry) when you''re not there! This was the case with my own daughter.

At any rate, I think it''s a mistake to put being a wife on the backburner when you become a mom. Yes, your daughter is a top priority but, for her sake, so should your marriage be. Good luck!
 

snowflakeluvr

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i agree with the others-definitely a unique situation, inviting mom. i can imagine there have been other power struggles with this woman...poor you(i have had similar issues so i understand)
i just wanted to applaud you hugely for your breastfeeding commitment! my husband and i of almost 20 years just had our 4th and 5th children, in our 40''s. by now, i am no longer "going by the book" and have mothered a lot more of the way i have wanted to and felt was right for ME and my family(nursing on demand, family bed) i just wanted to you to know from one mom to another, i am proud of you for your commitment. i just weaned my 14month old daughter due to consistent thrush issues for the last 3 years in my breasts. so i think taking the baby (and looking like a million bucks) is the best idea. heck, if grandma can go, why not baby?
good luck with all of this...sounds like a real drama in the making.
ps why do husbands make things so hard? my hubby just had shoulder surgery this week and already i KNOW i''ve earned my diamonds! he''s being such a baby
 

VegasAngel

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Hi all. So, to show you how much I pay attention I didnt even realize the party was last night. For some reason I was thinking it was next week. I have to pick & choose my battles & this one just wasnt it. His employer only allows 1 guest & no kids otherwise I would have went.

Surely people were & will still be snickering about my hubby. MIL did go of course. She was trying to hold his hand (HA! oh my goodness) & what was funny is that a friend he went with said "I dont think it's strange your brought mom as long as your not cuddling & holding hands, & with a red face, "Oh wait, you already are opps." Another was some of the gals drug hubby on the dance floor. Why does his mother jump out of her seat, cuts in & starts dancing with him? Later, she was trying to get him to slow dance. He told me he was so embarrassed & just wanted to get out of there. She was rude, as usual. While my husband's friend was chatting with her mid sentence she would start talking to my husband about a completely different subject like the guy wasnt even there. To top it off they all had to listen to her complain about how her office parties have more class, blah, blah, blah. Too bad she doesnt have any
. His office is small maybe 60 people. They rent out a banquest hall, have a nice sit down dinner, dancing, a bar, give out gifts; it's very nicely done. She works for Prudential which everyone knows is a huge company that can afford a huge shindig.

snowflakeluvr thanks & congrats to you! my daughter will be 10 months on 12/12. I would like to breastfeed at least a year, if we wean we wean if not we'll keep going until one of us decides times up. It's hard to get an exclusivly bf baby to take a bottle. I am sure if I was really consistent she would take it, eventually. Since I am a SAHM it's a hassle for me to pump when I dont need to you know? If I were working it would be a different story. As for MIL we hate each other. Mara you are correct I am not Armenian. I am sure MIL would have liked him to be with a woman who is French or Armenian. At this point she would take anyone over me but the reality is she wouldn't be happy with anyone. This woman has said so many hurtful unnecessary we will never get along, ever. My husband is an only child mamas boy & you know I'm stealing her son & has made it clear even with wife & kids; she still comes first. AAAAAAAAAH thanks for letting me vent everyone :)
 

movie zombie

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1-your baby can go straight from breast to cup.....why bother with the bottle at all? we didn''t. my daughter was 6 months old and i would give her a cup once in awhile to start getting her used to it. she took to it easily. i let her set the weaning schedule.

2-i''m guessing you knew your husband was a mom''s boy before you married him. but you married him for better or for worse....and in the case of you MIL, there is some worse to have to deal with. don''t know if you tried it yet or not but how about counseling? also, there are two good books, one for you and one for him:

"toxic inlaws" by susan ford [i read this one]
and
''''toxic parents" by susan ford [my husband read this one]

3-perhaps your husband got enough feedback from friends at the party to recognize what he is allowing to happen to him. perhaps if there is enough office gossip he''ll even understand more how this can effect him professionally, and his marriage yyo ou and also how he''s perceived by friends.

4-perhaps be thankful your MIL was there if he learns from it and most of all that she was guarding her son from predators.

now that its happened, its time to learn from it and move on. good luck and may the holiday party season for you and your family be much more light, cheerful, and enjoyable!

movie zombie
 

snowflakeluvr

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vegasangel,
you definitely sound like a common sense gal and don''t seem to let your MIL ruffle your feathers too much. sounds like hubby had an interesting time with his mama. my hubby was on a pedestal till we moved to another state(now her other son is top dog, due to inherit everything when he gets out of prison...another story
) so i feel everything you have shared.
as for the weaning, i was willing to let my little girl wean till ??? but the thrush was just much too painful, as i had endured it the entire 14months i nursed my son(who will be 3 next week). i had planned a little getaway to san diego with my 11yr old a few weeks ago and wanted to be donenursing by that time, so about 2 weeks before our trip, i more or less cold-turkeyed her. my 3yr old son went from breast at 14months, when i found out i was pg again, to formula bottles till he was 2! he HATED milk(likes it now) but she wanted NO part of formula and i had no breastmilk reserve in the freezer. the first 3 days were the worst-she constantly(and i mean constantly) was coming to me, pulling at my shirt. i felt pretty powerless and upset. my hubby travels almost every week so there was almost no relief there(handing her off to him). but i persevered and it worked. so whenever you and your little one decide, it will happen. just takes some time and patience and it''ll all work out. i don''t feel any more "bonded" to my 3 younger children whom i exclusively bf, but it was very special, my chldren are all very healthy and i am so glad i stuck out the rough beginning. good luck to you in everything. isn''t this a wonderful forum? for me, great for late nights, holding sleeping wee ones, and a long, long wish list....happy holidays
 

VegasAngel

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MZ I need to check that book out next time I am at the bookstore.
snowflakeluvr, as far as MIL goes we both stay away/ignore each other & honestly that''s the way I like it. Out of sight out of mind until her next stunt.

I hear you on the thrush. Knock on wood I havent gotten that. I did get some kind of stabbing, itching, burning pain while nursing. I took some herbs & it went away. My daughter hasn''t gotten sick yet & i''d like to think the breastfeeding has something to do with that. It took us 5 days after my daughter was born to figure bf out. Had to keep telling myself I wasnt giving up it would happen & it did. She did go on a few nursing strikes but I think it was due to her acid reflux.

I love pricescope, I dont post as much as i''d like but I do enjoy checking out the sparklies oooh & aaahing wishing I could have one of each piece I see.
Getting advise/words of wisdom every now & then is nice too
.
 

Mara

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lol i think you should buy the ''toxic inlaws'' book, and then leave it around next time she visits. ''woops did i leave that out? let me just put that away''.
 

movie zombie

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if you want to be a real trouble maker ala Mara, buy the other book re toxic parents and leave it out when she''s around! actually, that might not be a bad idea......


movie zombie
 

VegasAngel

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Ha! Mara & MZ that is something I would totally do if she came around. Im going to get that book maybe this evening, seems like an interesting read. I call her mildew-mother in law does everything wrong.
 
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