WWYD (in-law question)

[janinegirly]

If there were pictures of every single individual and animal in the family at your in-laws house except you. Meaning other spouses, kids etc. SIL recently married in and huge picture just went up. None of our wedding which was 2 years ago. Yes, I''ve given them plenty of photos.

Am I overreacting? I don''t care so much about the actual photo (not that into photos of myself), but more the message.

 

[natalina]

Hmmm...does seem strange. How is your relationship with them?

 

[janinegirly]

It''s polite but not close. They are nice to me but never actually reach out or show active interest. I have a LO so that''s what I''m referring to when I say reach out. We do visit them, but that''s the only way it happens.

Anyway, curious how to best handle it. Forget it and assume it was an oversight? Say something so I don''t grow resentful? Plop my own picture there (which for all i know is what SIL did)? Personally I feel uncomfortable doing the last option since it isn''t my house (even though DH says this is what he would do!).

There is a photo of my LO (thank god!), but none including me even though countless wedding photos/family shots have been given.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I think it''s strange too. That said, my IL''s are totally not into family type pictures and don''t have any of any of their kids or grandkids.

 

[janinegirly]

diva-my family is not into photos either so that part wouldn't bother me. But the IL's DO have tons of family photos (like i said, even of the dogs) and I'm the only one not up there--so it's hard to ignore. I have been letting it go for years, but once the SIL's wedding photo went up within weeks of marrying -- it was hard to not feel there was some message being sent! Unless I"m just being overly sensitive and catty..

 

[Dreamer_D]

Yeah it is strange, I might feel hurt too in that situation. But I have never let it happen since I give framed fancy large photos of us to family for many special occassions and I guess they feel obliged to display them

. You mention you have given them photos, have you given them a framed one? I would be tempted to get a nice wedding photo or family photo taken with your LO and then frame it really pretty and wrap it as a gift for christmas. Then when they open it you can say how you noticed there were no pictures of your family in their house so you thought you would give them one! Then maybe they will feel a little guilty about not having pictures

-- I bet they haven''t even noticed and it is just them being thoughtless, not malicious. And then if they don''t display it the next time you are over you can say, "Oh, where is the photo we gave you? We had it made special to match your decor!" LOL. I am a little mean in that I would kind of want to point it out to them that it wasn''t diplayed.

Alternatively, I would just ignore it and achknowledge that they are silly relatives and leave it at that.

 

[natalina]

Ditto Dreamer on giving them a framed photo as a gift. If they do not display it, I would probably have DH ask is parents what''s up.

 

[Lilac]

Out of all the pictures my in-laws have from our wedding with my husband and I both in them, they chose to print, blow up, and hang up a picture on their refrigerator of the ENTIRE family (everyone - grandparents, siblings, etc) without me in it. I might understand if it was a great picture or if they out up another one elsewhere with me in it, but they didn''t and this particular picture even includes several people not even looking at the camera. They specifically chose to put up the less nice one without me in it instead of a nicer one that included me. Unfortunately I''m used to things like this from them, so I ignore it.

I don''t think you''re overreacting by being upset or hurt by it, but I''m not sure it''s worth it to do anything about it. If you want to do something, then maybe your husband can casually mention something to them.

 

[Bia]

Date: 9/15/2009 12:37:11 PM
Author: Lilac
Out of all the pictures my in-laws have from our wedding with my husband and I both in them, they chose to print, blow up, and hang up a picture on their refrigerator of the ENTIRE family (everyone - grandparents, siblings, etc) without me in it. I might understand if it was a great picture or if they out up another one elsewhere with me in it, but they didn''t and this particular picture even includes several people not even looking at the camera. They specifically chose to put up the less nice one without me in it instead of a nicer one that included me. Unfortunately I''m used to things like this from them, so I ignore it.

I don''t think you''re overreacting by being upset or hurt by it, but I''m not sure it''s worth it to do anything about it. If you want to do something, then maybe your husband can casually mention something to them.

Wow! You guys have your hands full with in-laws like these. That really stinks

 

[janinegirly]

DD: thanks for the suggestions...some good ones

Lilac, oh wow, I''m sorry that happened, but kind of relieved someone else can relate!

Why do you think they did that and how do you handle it?

I agree I probably have few options unless DH casually mentions it (which is what I would do if situation was reversed but DH is more passive). The thing is there have been a series of things that have happened that could be interpreted 2 different ways--either as a harmless, unintentional oversight or as an insulting gesture..so it''s starting to add up. It''s hard not to grow resentful and want to avoid them since I''d rather be around openly supportive family (my own!). But that ends up biting me in the end too since then they get very judgy and say we''re not making enough effort, blah blah! Well, it''s a 2 way street! Grrrr, In law drama = not fun).

 

[swingirl]

Date: 9/15/2009 11:35:07 AM
Author: janinegirly
There is a photo of my LO (thank god!), but none including me even though countless wedding photos/family shots have been given.

What is an LO? Sorry, I must be dim today.

 

[janinegirly]

little one (baby..)

 

[Lilac]

Date: 9/15/2009 12:45:15 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 9/15/2009 12:37:11 PM

Author: Lilac

Out of all the pictures my in-laws have from our wedding with my husband and I both in them, they chose to print, blow up, and hang up a picture on their refrigerator of the ENTIRE family (everyone - grandparents, siblings, etc) without me in it. I might understand if it was a great picture or if they out up another one elsewhere with me in it, but they didn''t and this particular picture even includes several people not even looking at the camera. They specifically chose to put up the less nice one without me in it instead of a nicer one that included me. Unfortunately I''m used to things like this from them, so I ignore it.

I don''t think you''re overreacting by being upset or hurt by it, but I''m not sure it''s worth it to do anything about it. If you want to do something, then maybe your husband can casually mention something to them.

Wow! You guys have your hands full with in-laws like these. That really stinks

Yep, but over time I think I''ve realized it''s really not worth me being unhappy about something I can''t change. So now I try my best to laugh about the ridiculous things that they do or say and know it''s not my lack of effort that made things this way. And DH being on my side and us living together now that we''re married REALLY helps

 

[fieryred33143]

I would find it strange too.

Sort of similar-when I visited my grandparents in NY 2 years ago, I was showing my fiance all of theur photos. They have a huge wall unit filled with nothing but family photos. And the cool thing is that each section is reserved for each child (they had 7) and within each sections are photos if the grandchildren and great grandchildren. Its pretty neat. Anyway FI was looking through my dad''s section at all the photos of us and points out that my mom isn''t in any of them. There were about 20 photos and none of my mom. Spouses everywhere except my mom. And its not like they don''t have any. My dad would make us take a family photo at every event. This hurt me a lot especially since my father passed away years ago but my mom continues to treat them as her in-laws. She sends them birthday, anniversary, and father''s/mother''s day cards. And when they visit, they always stay at my mom''s house even though my aunt (their oldest daughter) lives 10 mins away.

I didn''t make a big deal out of it because my grandparents are almost 80 now (imagine picking a fight with 80 year olds) but it really hurt me.

I know your LO isn''t old enough to notice now but they really should think about how its going to make her feel when she is older.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 9/15/2009 12:56:35 PM
Author: janinegirly
DD: thanks for the suggestions...some good ones

Lilac, oh wow, I''m sorry that happened, but kind of relieved someone else can relate!

Why do you think they did that and how do you handle it?

I agree I probably have few options unless DH casually mentions it (which is what I would do if situation was reversed but DH is more passive). The thing is there have been a series of things that have happened that could be interpreted 2 different ways--either as a harmless, unintentional oversight or as an insulting gesture..so it''s starting to add up. It''s hard not to grow resentful and want to avoid them since I''d rather be around openly supportive family (my own!). But that ends up biting me in the end too since then they get very judgy and say we''re not making enough effort, blah blah! Well, it''s a 2 way street! Grrrr, In law drama = not fun).

That''s exactly what you should tell them next time it comes up. Sometimes, directness is the best remedy.

MIL: "You''re not making enough effort."

You: "I confess that I probably could make more effort, and I likely would do so if I felt welcomed in your family but I don''t. There are photographs of every other SIL/DIL displayed in your home but none that include me, despite the fact that I''ve given you several family photos. It''s natural for anyone to avoid situations where they feel unwelcome, so that''s really the root of why we aren''t present more. I''d like for it to be different, and if you would too I''m sure we could work on it to make it better."

Let her find a way to scramble an explanation for her behavior.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Janine, I totally understand why this would bother you, and I can relate: DH''s grandmother (who is a wonderful lady and I love her dearly) used to have a picture in her dining room of DH, his two sisters, and DH''s ex-wife.

This was a group picture that DH, his two sisters and the XW had done professionally at a local studio, as a gift for a few close family members (DH''s mom, grandma, etc.). That picture only came down maybe a year ago, and DH and I have been together for over six years now (married for more than four). And no, she didn''t have pictures of DH and I up at the same time . . . in fact, I think she still doesn''t. But, hey, at least the XW pic is gone, so who''s complaining? LOL!

So, yeah, it was a bit annoying for me, as you can probably imagine. But, in her defense, she does have a very large number of framed family pictures grouped together in her dining room, so it might just have been an honest oversight. I never mentioned anything to her because I figured she had just overlooked it and would be mortified if someone pointed it out to her. She must have realized on her own that it was still sitting there and then took it down. When she realized it was there, she was probably praying that DH and I hadn''t noticed it! LOL!

So maybe it just hasn''t occurred to your in-laws that there aren''t any pictures of you? And that scenario isn''t so great, but it''s better than if they had intentionally excluded you. If it bothers you, I would say something. (I would have said something to DH''s grandma, but I''m a total wuss when it comes to stuff like that.)

 

[somethingshiny]

I have a few random thoughts on this.

For one, at least she has your LO pic. That would be unforgivable if she didn''t.

Maybe she doesn''t actually like any of your wedding pics. Maybe she doesn''t like your dress, her son''s tux, someone''s hair, HER OWN look. Maybe something happened and it was a bad day (elsewhere) for her and she knows it would remind her. Maybe she sees you more than the other pic-worthy kids and doesn''t figure she needs a photo. Maybe everyone else has an actual "portrait" and your pics don''t fit her style. Maybe she just doesn''t have any suitable frames. Maybe you don''t display pics so she''s "paying you back."

I would give her a framed pic that YOU love and explain that you love it and want her to have it.

I wouldn''t have an issue with not being on the wall of fame. My in-laws used to have one and it was just weird to me. They got rid of it before DH (an only child) and I were married so there were never photos of me. Now, they have a mantle of pics. They have one wedding photo of ours and that''s it, next to about a dozen of each pet they''ve ever owned and a handful of our little guy. I figure they live there, they should be happy with the way it looks. It really doesn''t matter to me if they look at pics of me everyday. I don''t look at pics of them and in fact I don''t display pics of anyone or anything (save one pic of our little guy in my bedroom).

I''m sorry you''re upset by this, but even if nothing changes, try to take comfort in the fact that your LO is treated equally even if you feel you''re not.

 

[trillionaire]

I would have your DH give her a frame picture of just you, or the two of you, or all three of you and say that he noticed that she didn''t have one up and thought she''d appreciate it.

sometimes parents are odd. my dad put up pictures of my brother and I with long time GFs and BFs, even after I explicitly and repeatedly asked him not to. Now FI and I are engaged, and I guess the pictures of us can stay, but the pictures of my brother and his X-GF are still up, which is a LITTLE bit awkward... they broke up in 2005!!! Now, my brother hasn''t had other GFs come to the house (he lives in another state), but still... weird, weird, weird... but my dad is adamant about those pictures, it is NOT an oversight.

 

[iheartscience]

Yikes, sounds like an uncomfortable situation. I think your husband should ask them point blank why there aren''t any pictures of you up. But you said he''s passive so it sounds like that''s not going to happen. I also really like what Alj said about calling your MIL out on making you feel unwelcome. I''m sorry you have to deal with that-it can''t be fun!

 

[tina sparkle]

i don''t think it''s an oversight--they seem to be really passive-aggressive--at least they have a picture of your LO displayed. you''ll just have to accept how they are and learn to live with it, i know from experience-- been there-- done that. good luck.

 

[drk]

I like Dreamers and ALJ''s suggestions.

I''d be peeved too in your shoes. Like when my brother got married and they took family photos. I was in the one with my Mom and Dad (who''d long been divorced), but wasn''t invited to be in the one with my Dad, step-mother, father, and step-sisters. My own father didn''t think of me as a part of that blended family. Thanks Dad.

I think it really should be your husband''s job to say something to them about them leaving you out. If he''s too chicken to do that for you, I think the presenting a framed photo to hang on the wall is a good way to not-so-subtly but not-offensively say that you''ve noticed there are no photos of you and your family hanging on display.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Sorry Janine. People suck and there are some we will never understand. The *healthiest* way to react is to let it go. Of course this is also the most diffcult

 

[janinegirly]

Thanks everyone, it makes me feel better to know I'm not crazy in what I'm feeling!

Most likely it will be let go. I mean I'll tell DH again how it makes me feel and see if he says something..because it really is hard to keep going to the IL's house and have to feel like I don't belong. These pictures are on a mantle in a central viewing area (open floor plan)--it is very hard to miss. I think up til now I accepted that it was a sloppy oversight, but once the new SIL's large and prominent photo went up on the mantle (next to the other SIL's wedding photo), it's was just too hard to ignore. Because to me even if it had been an oversight, wouldn't putting up a new wedding photo of a new family member spark the thought of "oh, I should really get one of my son and his wife too!". You're right that I should be happy that they have one of LO, but I do think of what fiery said--about how one day she'll be old enough and notice! And they were also very passive when she was born, no visits, cards, present. Same at her first xmas (she's under 1). That stuff stung, but I STILL wrote it off as just different style, maybe they don't know what to do,etc. Things are adding up though!! I should add that when DH and I were dating (but serious), they did have a family photo with everyone and DH's ex-gf. It always bothered me but never said a word. It finally disappeared into a drawer, but took years. So either they are super passive aggressive or really really out of it.

Thanks for listening and the positive part of this is it sure makes me appreciate my family

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 9/16/2009 9:42:37 AM
Author: janinegirly
Thanks everyone, it makes me feel better to know I''m not crazy in what I''m feeling!

Most likely it will be let go. I mean I''ll tell DH again how it makes me feel and see if he says something..because it really is hard to keep going to the IL''s house and have to feel like I don''t belong. These pictures are on a mantle in a central viewing area (open floor plan)--it is very hard to miss. I think up til now I accepted that it was a sloppy oversight, but once the new SIL''s large and prominent photo went up on the mantle (next to the other SIL''s wedding photo), it''s was just too hard to ignore. Because to me even if it had been an oversight, wouldn''t putting up a new wedding photo of a new family member spark the thought of ''oh, I should really get one of my son and his wife too!''. You''re right that I should be happy that they have one of LO, but I do think of what fiery said--about how one day she''ll be old enough and notice! And they were also very passive when she was born, no visits, cards, present. Same at her first xmas (she''s under 1). That stuff stung, but I STILL wrote it off as just different style, maybe they don''t know what to do,etc. Things are adding up though!! I should add that when DH and I were dating (but serious), they did have a family photo with everyone and DH''s ex-gf. It always bothered me but never said a word. It finally disappeared into a drawer, but took years. So either they are super passive aggressive or really really out of it.

Thanks for listening and the positive part of this is it sure makes me appreciate my family

OK, now THAT is what would have REALLY bugged me! Seriously, they didn''t come and visit their own granddaughter when she was born, OR send a gift, OR even send so much as a freaking card??? And then they behaved the same way at her first Christmas??? Really???

 

[Bia]

Date: 9/15/2009 2:54:29 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Janine, I totally understand why this would bother you, and I can relate: DH's grandmother (who is a wonderful lady and I love her dearly) used to have a picture in her dining room of DH, his two sisters, and DH's ex-wife.

This was a group picture that DH, his two sisters and the XW had done professionally at a local studio, as a gift for a few close family members (DH's mom, grandma, etc.). That picture only came down maybe a year ago, and DH and I have been together for over six years now (married for more than four). And no, she didn't have pictures of DH and I up at the same time . . . in fact, I think she still doesn't. But, hey, at least the XW pic is gone, so who's complaining? LOL!

So, yeah, it was a bit annoying for me, as you can probably imagine. But, in her defense, she does have a very large number of framed family pictures grouped together in her dining room, so it might just have been an honest oversight. I never mentioned anything to her because I figured she had just overlooked it and would be mortified if someone pointed it out to her. She must have realized on her own that it was still sitting there and then took it down. When she realized it was there, she was probably praying that DH and I hadn't noticed it! LOL!

So maybe it just hasn't occurred to your in-laws that there aren't any pictures of you? And that scenario isn't so great, but it's better than if they had intentionally excluded you. If it bothers you, I would say something. (I would have said something to DH's grandma, but I'm a total wuss when it comes to stuff like that.)

My FMIL has a picture of a family camping trip when my FI was 17(?). In that picture his arm is around his girlfriend of 5 years lol. It never bothered me though...

I think because 1.) it was a family picture with FMIL's mother (who has since passed) and, as I said, her entire family; and 2.) She has 3-4 pictures of me around the house...

To not have ONE picture of your daughter-in-law, particularly if you're a picture-person, is plain rude, IMO.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 9/16/2009 9:56:48 AM
Author: Bia

Date: 9/15/2009 2:54:29 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Janine, I totally understand why this would bother you, and I can relate: DH''s grandmother (who is a wonderful lady and I love her dearly) used to have a picture in her dining room of DH, his two sisters, and DH''s ex-wife.

This was a group picture that DH, his two sisters and the XW had done professionally at a local studio, as a gift for a few close family members (DH''s mom, grandma, etc.). That picture only came down maybe a year ago, and DH and I have been together for over six years now (married for more than four). And no, she didn''t have pictures of DH and I up at the same time . . . in fact, I think she still doesn''t. But, hey, at least the XW pic is gone, so who''s complaining? LOL!

So, yeah, it was a bit annoying for me, as you can probably imagine. But, in her defense, she does have a very large number of framed family pictures grouped together in her dining room, so it might just have been an honest oversight. I never mentioned anything to her because I figured she had just overlooked it and would be mortified if someone pointed it out to her. She must have realized on her own that it was still sitting there and then took it down. When she realized it was there, she was probably praying that DH and I hadn''t noticed it! LOL!

So maybe it just hasn''t occurred to your in-laws that there aren''t any pictures of you? And that scenario isn''t so great, but it''s better than if they had intentionally excluded you. If it bothers you, I would say something. (I would have said something to DH''s grandma, but I''m a total wuss when it comes to stuff like that.)

My FMIL has a picture of a family camping trip when my FI was 17(?). In that picture his arm is around his girlfriend of 5 years lol. It never bothered me though...

I think because 1.) it was a family picture with FMIL''s mother (who has since passed) and, as I said, her entire family; and 2.) She has pictures 3-4 pictures of me around the house...

To not have ONE picture of your daughter-in-law, particularly if you''re a picture-person, is plain rude, IMO.

Ya know, I don''t think it would have bothered me as much if it had been an ex-girlfriend. And it DEFINITELY wouldn''t have bothered me if it had been a picture of a large group. But since there were only four people in the picture (one of whom was the XW), and since she had many, MANY other pictures of DH and his sisters, it just made me feel weird.

And I totally agree . . . if you''re a "picture person," you need to make sure you''re not excluding any family members from your picture display. It''s totally understandable how feelings get hurt that way!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 9/15/2009 2:43:51 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 9/15/2009 12:56:35 PM
Author: janinegirly
DD: thanks for the suggestions...some good ones

Lilac, oh wow, I''m sorry that happened, but kind of relieved someone else can relate!

Why do you think they did that and how do you handle it?

I agree I probably have few options unless DH casually mentions it (which is what I would do if situation was reversed but DH is more passive). The thing is there have been a series of things that have happened that could be interpreted 2 different ways--either as a harmless, unintentional oversight or as an insulting gesture..so it''s starting to add up. It''s hard not to grow resentful and want to avoid them since I''d rather be around openly supportive family (my own!). But that ends up biting me in the end too since then they get very judgy and say we''re not making enough effort, blah blah! Well, it''s a 2 way street! Grrrr, In law drama = not fun).

That''s exactly what you should tell them next time it comes up. Sometimes, directness is the best remedy.

MIL: ''You''re not making enough effort.''

You: ''I confess that I probably could make more effort, and I likely would do so if I felt welcomed in your family but I don''t. There are photographs of every other SIL/DIL displayed in your home but none that include me, despite the fact that I''ve given you several family photos. It''s natural for anyone to avoid situations where they feel unwelcome, so that''s really the root of why we aren''t present more. I''d like for it to be different, and if you would too I''m sure we could work on it to make it better.''

Let her find a way to scramble an explanation for her behavior.

I really like this suggegstion...

But I can totally see why ignoring it is easier. Perhaps try that for a while and if you feel the pot boiling over, you can try the more directy route? Maybe this will just come pouring out the next time your MIL tries to say you are not making an effort.

You know, I just thought of this, but usually when people in families are negative or passive aggressive towards another family member it isn''t because *they* dislike said family member, it is because they feel like the family member doesn''t like them! Yes it is silly, but that type of response is really common within almost any type of relationship and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy -- person A feels that person B doesn''t like her (for whatever reason), and so person A behaves coldly, which of course leads person B to dislike person A, regardless of her original feelings for person A.

It could be the case in your family that these types of perceptions are fueling most of this. Somehow, somewhere along the line, your in laws got it in their head that you dind''t like them, so they are remaining distant towards you. And so you don''t like them very much, and indeed are treating them more coldly. Which only fuels their original misguided belief. The reason I think this is possible is because of their comments about "Not trying enough/making an effort". I think that if they truly dind''t like you they would not make this comment. But if they *thought* you dind''t like them, then I can see them making that type of comment. In this scenerio, their original mis-perceptions and resultant cold behaviour is clearly in the wrong, and you are not responsible for it. But at this point, if they are thinking those things, they are right! You aren''t wild about them. They just can''t see the role their own behaviour played in causing your behaviour.

But if you think this might be the case, the easiest way to solve it is to suck up and fears of rejection that you may have and start making a big effort to spend time with them, call to chat, etc. Basically make the effort that your MIL keeps so delicately asking for

Should it be your responsibility? Nope. Should they just grow up and stop being so rejection sensitive? Yup. But if you want a relationship with them -- a real one, not just one through your daughter-- you may need to do this. It would be hard and take effort, but most likely it would work and you would eventually have a good relationship with them (provided they are not crazy).

Anyways, just a thought!

 

[janinegirly]

Thanks DD (and everyone else!)...your detailed analysis gives me alot to think about. Makes some sense. Of course it''s still annoying b/c to me a child usually supercedes these issues and makes family put aside perceived slights,etc. and reach out anyway but not in my case (not to mention I was wiped out for those 1st six months). Still, maybe there are things I can do to make things better before my resentment solidifies.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 9/16/2009 12:12:06 PM
Author: janinegirly
Thanks DD (and everyone else!)...your detailed analysis gives me alot to think about. Makes some sense. Of course it''s still annoying b/c to me a child usually supercedes these issues and makes family put aside perceived slights,etc. and reach out anyway but not in my case (not to mention I was wiped out for those 1st six months). Still, maybe there are things I can do to make things better before my resentment solidifies.

That''s because you are a mature and thoughtful woman

Perhaps not so much in your inlaws case

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Janine, not sure if you already said but I am curious, do you have a photo of them hanging in your house?