wow...so disappointed

[Hoping&Waiting]

wow...I am overwhelmed by disappointment right now...

Heres the story: So even though my boyfriend has done everything he can to make me think were getting engaged in the summer..i didnt want to believe it because I wanted SOO badly for it to be sooner. I thought he was saying those things so that I would be surprised if he did do it sooner.

Well....I have recently found out that he JUST, i mean JUST as in today, started looking at the picture of what my ring MIGHT look like in order to have it custom made. I had myself convinced it was already in the process of being made and it would be happening soon. And I know I should be so happy that its happening at all...I just am so overcome by sadness and disappointment IN MYSELF that I would let myself get excited and start to HOPE that an engagement was near. I dont know why I would read into things like that and I dont know why I would make myself believe this. I feel like such an idiot to be sitting here in tears when he has done nothing wrong and actually is following the timeline exactly as he had earlier outlined.


Uggg...heres to waiting another 8 months.

 

[JulieN]

it's still winter. at least he's getting the ball rolling. good luck!

 

[chocolatefudge]

I know exactly how you feel!! I''ve done the same thing over and over in my head.

When SO says, "I can''t afford a ring yet." I take that to mean, "I''m pretending I have no money but really I have a secret account and have savings for the ring."

When he says, "Don''t expect a ring for Christmas." I take it to me, "I''m trying to make you think I won''t propose at Christmas but I will!"

When he says, "I don''t know what to buy for your birthday." I take it to mean, "I want you to think I''ve bought you nothing when really I''ve got you a ring."

Why do I do it?!? I KNOW it''s not going to happen but I leave a tiny slither of hope in my mind and then I feel sooooo disappointed when it doesn''t happen. I can see a repeat on Valentine''s Day........

 

[nessvan12]

**Hugs**

I''m sure you could use one. Sorry you''re going through this. I know exactly how you feel. There have been many times that I''ve convinced myself that he was gonna propose "any day now" when he wasn''t even thinking about a proposal or had a e-ring in his possession. I think the wishful part of our brain just reads into EVERYTHING and therefore we get our hopes up really high and then have a really long way to fall back down. I hope you can remember why your realtionship is so great in the first place and can get through this rough patch.

 

[bee*]

I''m sorry that you''re disappointed! The one thing that I''ve learnt from D is that when he says summer, he means summer. I''ve gotten my hopes up about things before and when I spoke to him after, he was like, but I didn''t say I''d do it then. It will be worth the wait, just hang on in there!

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

Ohhh valentines day....thats what i thought...i thought that was going to be the day.....not because it is the perfect time of year but because honestly...it really is one of my favorite holidays. and he KNOWS that! so thought that would be the perfect day. and he told me we wouldnt do anything special because he wants to save for my ring. which i thought was code for: i already have the ring. i just wonder how i can be so stupid.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Oh hopingandwaiting
On a positive note at least you know it''s going to happen in the summer I''m sure it''ll come quicker than you think. I still have no clue!
Unless it is going to happen on Valentine''s Day for both of us

And there I go again..............

 

[TravelingGal]

H&W, you have to stop just hearing what you want to hear and listen to your bf.

Yes, Valentine''s may be oh so special for you, but maybe it''s not the day he wants to get engaged.

He said August. Why are you hoping for earlier? I understand that you feel stupid for sitting there in tears when your bf has not led you to believe otherwise. I''m sorry you''re disappointed, but you have said as much that it is your fault (and kudos to you for at least acknowledging that).

Summer is not far away. You are enjoying your last year of college...live it out! Have a blast! You won''t get this time back.

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

Date: 2/7/2008 5:06:29 PM
Author: nessvan12
**Hugs**

I''m sure you could use one. Sorry you''re going through this. I know exactly how you feel. There have been many times that I''ve convinced myself that he was gonna propose ''any day now'' when he wasn''t even thinking about a proposal or had a e-ring in his possession. I think the wishful part of our brain just reads into EVERYTHING and therefore we get our hopes up really high and then have a really long way to fall back down. I hope you can remember why your realtionship is so great in the first place and can get through this rough patch.

I think that might be my problem..I can still remember every second of every day why i love him so much which is why i wonder why in the heck we have to wait to be together forever. it makes just no sense! Its like I am always thinking of all of these cool ways to cheer him up or let him know im thinking of him. for example:

today is one week before vday...so starting today i am leaving valentines and a fun little gift in random places with a note about what i love about him. His gifts are just some of his favorite things...snickers bars etc.

but it seems like we''ll be doing nothing on one of my favorite holidays...becuase of this ring which i thought he already had which is why i was trying to make this time EXTRA SPECIAL...

man after re-reading all of that it made me realize how far i over-thought into all of this! i suck!

 

[sunnyd]

You''re not stupid, just excited! And anxious! An end is in sight, and you wish he would just drive faster to get there. Right? I''d be happy with that. Take him out to dinner or do something fun for V-day! That''s what I''m doing because my BF is trying to save too. No point in spending $100 on dinner when that means 1 month longer to wait.

You''ll be okay.

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

Date: 2/7/2008 5:15:35 PM
Author: TravelingGal
H&W, you have to stop just hearing what you want to hear and listen to your bf.

Yes, Valentine''s may be oh so special for you, but maybe it''s not the day he wants to get engaged.

He said August. Why are you hoping for earlier? I understand that you feel stupid for sitting there in tears when your bf has not led you to believe otherwise. I''m sorry you''re disappointed, but you have said as much that it is your fault (and kudos to you for at least acknowledging that).

Summer is not far away. You are enjoying your last year of college...live it out! Have a blast! You won''t get this time back.

Im hoping for earlier becuase it is something we are constantly talking about. and because i am hopeful. and thank you for your reality check...but i obviousloy have already had a real-time reality check. I am aware that I have read to far into all of his comments and believe me that mistake will not be made again. but i dont think there is anything wrong with being hopeful...I just have learned now that hopeful...and then being let down are a bad combination.

thanks for everyones support. sometimes a girl just needs to vent

 

[Independent Gal]

Honey, your bf is starting to put together your ENGAGEMENT RING. Unless you''re 37 and want three kids, who cares about waiting till August?

Cry tears of happiness that the man you love is methodically and carefully getting ready to ask you to be his wife. But feeling sorry for yourself because he''s doing that seems...well, sad. It''s a time for joy! Be happy!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/7/2008 5:21:09 PM
Author: Hoping&Waiting


Im hoping for earlier becuase it is something we are constantly talking about. and because i am hopeful. and thank you for your reality check...but i obviousloy have already had a real-time reality check. I am aware that I have read to far into all of his comments and believe me that mistake will not be made again. but i dont think there is anything wrong with being hopeful...I just have learned now that hopeful...and then being let down are a bad combination.

thanks for everyones support. sometimes a girl just needs to vent

Being hopeful is fine. But deceiving yourself is not.

If he wasn''t telling you that it would be in August, I''d say, go and hope! You have no idea when it is coming. Sure, it still *might* come early, but August really isn''t that far off!

You''ve been given several reality checks in the past, by your bf no less, and yet you still continue to will an earlier engagement. I really hope this one was a wake up call.

Your "hope" is causing you to be all topsy turvy about this and become negative and unhappy. There IS something wrong with that.

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

hmmmm...some of your responses are a bit puzzling...


feeling sorry for myself ... no...more like regretting reading to far into something...and I said that I am happy it is happening at all. Just disappointed at the moment because I thought he was much further in the process. what is there to feel sorry about??

And YES I AM HAPPY HE IS STARTING THE PROCESS...just because i mis-read something doesnt mean I am at all UNHAPPY that he has started the process etc.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think many of us can relate to the "I''m not going to get my hopes up" then feeling a tinge of disappointment when it doesn''t happen, even though you knew it probably wouldn''t happen. You know he has a timeline. You know that the timeline is reasonable and feasible and that he''s not flaking out on you. You know you should be excited that he''s starting the ring process (and having it custom-made, even) and you even know that it was silly to get your hopes up. The good news is that from now on, you know better than to get your hopes up!

If he said August, I have no doubt that it will be August because men don''t play games like women do. (That''s a good thing!). And August will be wonderful. Until then, just try to enjoy yourself!!

Also, coming from a not-very-affectionate woman you have to understand that while he probably appreciates the little gifts you''re leaving for him, he might not be the kind of guy to reciprocate something like that in the same way. He probably shows he loves you in very different ways--I don''t know, I show I care by scratching DH''s scalp, which isn''t romantic, but he knows I care when I''m doing it. Just because he''s not surprising you or going against the engagement plan means absolutely nothing, just that he''s following through with a promise he made you!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Before my friend got engaged...we used to think absolutely every milestone or holiday or Saturday was going to be it--the day Tony purposed on bended knee!

Unfortunately, every single time we were wrong...until one day, we werent wrong ...and they got engaged, and prompty went on to live happily ever after.

My friend, just like you, was so expectant...she already had the man, she wanted the ring, the house, the wedding, the babies and the forever...Yet, he boyfriend seemed to be completely content dragging his heels--he never made false promises, or lead her to believe that there was a secret he was keeping...however, as women, we read into all of his actions, attempting to figure out what the story was--where was the ring, did he have it, blah blah blah. She dropped hints, he countered them with reasonable points as to why "now" wasn''t the time. She''d cry on the phone, equating his timeline to him not really loving her. While, in all honesty, he had a way he wanted to do things...and that was his comfort level...she needed to respect that, and understand that not having a ring didn''t make their relationship any less valid.

I think a lot of people get caught up on "getting engaged" and "having the ring" or "planning a wedding"...but, what you really need to think about is that when you agree to marry someone, it''s so much more than a diamond ring and big party...an engagement is not a marriage, a wedding is not a marriage...you''re really starting a future with a man that you love, and you''re entering into a hugely important partnership that cannot be taken lightly as it is life altering. It''s completely understandable that you want to marry this man...but you''re very young, and rushing your life isn''t a good thing. You''re still in college, and you should be enjoying this time without feeling the pressure to wed. You should take advantage of this time you have now and when you do get engaged--you''ll have time to enjoy that too.

If you boyfriend wants to buy you a ring this summer, consider yourself lucky and take a deep breath. Maybe he doesnt have the money to buy you the ring you want right now--and this summer he will. I''d avoid high-pressure sales when it comes to marriage...because it could completely turn him off.

I''m sorry you''re disappointed...I think a lot of people would be as well...but, your life is going to be very long, and full of love, and happiness...finish college on a high and don''t let your future marital status depress you!

 

[sred2]

I''m sorry you''re a little upset... but at least you now know 100% that its in the works!!! but for your sake I hope it happens sooner than later!

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

Well...good news! we had a great talk last night!

First, thank you for the last few posts, very insightful

My So and I are very honest with each other, and he could tell something was wrong even thought i was TRYING REALLY HARD to have a big smile! So finally he broke me and I told him why! Actuallly, I havent kept anything from him along the way, he is very aware of how excited i am about all of this and he is also aware that i would prefer an engagement soon. Some may say that I should keep these feelings from my SO, but I have pride in the fact that we are so honest and he is very very receptive to my feelings for the most part! just like all guys from time to time he would prefer not to hear about it. In which case I usually hold back.

Anyway, I explained that I had gotten my hopes up SOLELY based on my own false conclusions and that I had a hard fall back to reality when i realized the ring was just now being put into the production process. He asked why I had made those conclusions considering he had said, " I dont want it to be cliche" (meaning valentines day!) and i said, i know i know, it was me totally reading to far into some of your hints and comments. He felt bad that I was feeling upset and i told him not to, that this was my mistake, not his. But he did re-assure me of a revised timeline and that the ball had been put "into motion" He also made it very clear to me that he appreciated me telling him and that when i talk to him about it, he doesnt feel like im trying to push him...instead it makes him smile inside because he realizes how excited i am for our future together. WHICH MADE ME MELT!

Sometimes I think anxiety and disappointment lead to a great conversation and an even better future together thanks for the positive words of encouragement that most of you have given me! And for those whom have made not so positive...I know your trying to give a "reality check"... which have been ''noted'' and are sometimes needed! But some need to remember that this forum is often used as an outlet to vent...not as a place for judgements to be made just a friendly thought

thanks again for everyones imput!!!!

 

[designchica]

Its normal to feel disappointed when you thought it was coming sooner than the timeline. I felt the same way a few weeks ago so I can totally relate. Somehow during my feelings of disappointment, I completely lost touch with the feelings of joy that I SHOULD be experiencing knowing that a proposal is indeed coming ....albeit a little later that I hoped, but way better than not at all, right?

Hang in there and be excited...a ring is coming!!!

 

[LegacyGirl]

It will come sooner than you think. It feels like a long time now but time flies. Good luck!

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/8/2008 12:54:39 PM
Author: Hoping&Waiting
he doesnt feel like im trying to push him...instead it makes him smile inside because he realizes how excited i am for our future together. WHICH MADE ME MELT!

Awww. What a sweetie.

And won''t it be nice to spend Valentine''s day without your teeth clenched, monitoring everything you say? Hurray for honesty. And perceptive boyfriends.

 

[EugeniaForbes]

This is the problem with traditional roles -- you are on tenterhooks forever while he moseys along at his own pace. Too bad you can''t buy yourself the ring you want and then propose to him! LOL.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 2/11/2008 10:14:06 AM
Author: EugeniaForbes
This is the problem with traditional roles -- you are on tenterhooks forever while he moseys along at his own pace. Too bad you can''t buy yourself the ring you want and then propose to him! LOL.

Hey who says you can''t?!?!

LOL

 

[TravelingGal]

It sounds like you had a very productive talk! Good for you!

And yes, this forum is great for venting...I think everyone encourages that. Just know that if you are always venting about the same thing, people might try to enlighten you a bit.

So I hope you know now that the proposal will come on the timeline he has always maintained, and don''t stress out about it anymore!

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

HAHAHA! I always joke about proposing to him...he doesnt like that idea But its fun to act like I might...it gets him shaking in his boots for half a second...haha!


thanks ladies!