WOW, my parents suck!

[mia1181]

Last night was the "wedding celebration" my MIL threw for us because we eloped. My parents didn''t even go!

I have never been so hurt or humiliated by them in my life.

They did not RSVP regrets, and I assumed they were coming, but luckily I called them the night before to ask if they could pick up a friend of mine on the way. That''s when my mom told me that my dad wouldn''t be able to come because he had to work, and she wouldn''t be able to come because she doesn''t have snow tires on her car. Ha! Yes it snows where they live, but hardly anyone has snow tires on their cars here!

It is possible to drive without them! When I lived here, I only had snow tires on my car once, and that''s because I bought the car with them on. But I knew it was just an excuse. Although I didn''t confront her, I tested her by saying "oh and I am going to be at the play right before the party, so I won''t be able to pick you up...." And she was like "Oh no! Don''t worry about it!" She didn''t want me to arrange a ride for her either. I should also add that my brother lives nearby, and he came. She could have gotten a ride from him but she said "he hasn''t called." So yeah.... my parents blew off a party in my honor.

All of my siblings (besides my younger brother who still lives at home) rallied together and came to support me. I also invited my cousin who was recently home from Iraq and he came too. It was so nice of them and I cry every time I think about them coming for me. They didn''t know anyone either, but they came for me.

So I feel like my mom didn''t come because my dad couldn''t and she would be uncomfortable without him. But couldn''t she suck it up for me? All of her children would have been there so it''s not like she would have been all alone....

I am just so disappointed.... I can''t stop crying over it. I don''t know if that is also because I am sick and feel miserable anyway. But I am very emotional. My parents suck. And then I come down to use my inlaw''s PC to get some PS therapy and their desktop wallpaper is a pic of me and MIL!

I have no idea where that came from, but it is so sweet.

And now DH doesn''t want to go and visit them this week. I don''t know what to do. I am angry with them, but I try to avoid confrontation at all cost. In a way, I think he is right because it''s not fair that I have to put in all the effort to see them and they do nothing for me. I have a wedding album I made for them too and a Christmas gift for my little brother. But I don''t know if I want to sit there and pretend everything is okay either. What would you do?

 

[Deelight]

Mia I am sorry your upset and I can fully understand why I know given the same situation I would be as well *BIG HUS*.

Sometimes families just well plain suck, I hate confrontation as well but sometimes those closest to us just don''t get when they are being bumheads. After my engagement I spent weeks crying when my older and only sister seemed not to care squat about my wedding (my mum passed on when I was really young so I have no other older women in my family to ask advice from) but she just didn''t realise till one day I broke down in tears and told her. Have a few days think over it, cool down and have a talk to them.

That is really sweet to find that on your MIL''s comp obviously she thinks a lot of you and cares for you , it is nice to have lovely in-laws .

GL

 

[mimzy]

mia, i am so sorry, that''s absolutely awful that they did that. do they harbor some ill feelings against your in laws? were they not on board with your elopement? there''s really no excuse, but maybe if you''ll talk to them you''ll figure out why and maybe get an apology out of them. it sucks when parents act more like children than the children, but it happens

.

and talking to them doesn''t have to be really confrontational! you could approach it from more of a curiosity standpoint, revealing that you''re really sad about it after the ball is rolling a little bit. regardless if you don''t talk to them about it, you''ll only be tempted to act passive aggressively, and that will get you nowhere.

i hope you feel better

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, that does suck. I''m sorry. I can''t believe they would do that! No words of wisdom but I do hope you''ll say something to them. It doesn''t have to be confrontational, but I think they should know how much they hurt you. I''m sorry you have to deal with this!

As for the visit, I get where your fiance is coming from, but if you still want to go see them, I would. But again, I would definitely say something to them about missing your wedding party!

 

[shimmer]

Hi Mia,

I am really sorry this happened to you

(((hugs)))

What would I do in this situation? I would tell them plain and simple ''I just want you to know that it really hurt me that you didn''t come'' then be silent (stare right into their eyes if you are with them) and they will probably be very uncomfortable, as they should be, with their actions. They may respond, they may not. You might start crying, but you will feel so much better.

 

[bee*]

Sorry to hear that mia. That sucks. Were they annoyed that you eloped or did they just not bother? Sending hugs.

 

[merrymunky]

Oh Hun, that''s just awful. I know I woudl be mortified if that were my parents.

(((hugs)))

 

[katamari]

Lots and lots of hugs, Mia! I am really sorry to hear about this. I do think you have to talk with your parents. And, depending on how you react to these kind of situations, I would either talk to them asap to not let feeling grow, or, talk to them once you have cooled down.

There are a lot of possibilities ranging from that they are hurt about your elopement to that they misinterpreted how important the party was for you and your FI. You and FI can assume their intent, but you can never know without talking to them. Plus, since there is miscommunication, you and FI will need to hear what they have to say, too.

In the meantime, though, I am so sorry about the hurt you must be feeling. (((hugs)))

 

[EricaR]

Oh Mia, I am so sorry!!! (((hugs)))

 

[iluvcarats]

That is pretty sucky! I am sorry Mia. It really sucks when you realize that YOU are more mature than you parents! So sorry.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I am so sorry! I would be really hurt as well. I hope you still had a good time at the party!

 

[meresal]

Mia, I'm so sorry that this happened. How very nice of DH's family to have that picture up though!!

I agree with Shimmer, you should just be honest with your parents. If they hurt you, then they should know. If you don't want to see them in person, like your DH has said, then don;t go over there, but I think calling them together would be a good idea. So that they really understand why you don't want to come over, just yet.

Good luck, let us know how everything goes.

 

[lala2332]

I"m so sorry hon! That really stinks. NO idea how to fix it, but just know we are all giving you HUGS!!!!

 

[mintve]

I am so sorry to hear that. I know how you feel. You never want your parents to disappoint you and when they do, its crushing! Hugs!

 

[violet02]

I am SO sorry Mia!!!

You know... after my wedding, the day after in fact I had a family blowout with my stepmom and other relatives were there to witness it. It was not pretty but I called my stepmom out on it and I felt 1000x better for doing that but 1000x worse for what happened. We are only just now trying to figure out how to work through this. If it were me, I would say something about it. It doesn''t have to be super confrontational but I would let them know that I was hurt by their non-appearance and their non-RSVP. During my wedding shower even though my stepmother was out of state and my step-brothers fiance, neither of them sent regrets or even said anything to me about it. My dad was so embarassed he paid for a gift and the gift mail said it was from them but I know my dad purchased it. So lame. I''d have preferred nothing at all but an acknowledgement.

It''s amazing how weddings can bring out the worst in people. I feel closer to my in-laws right now as a result as well. You should definitely speak to them about it and figure out what was really going on there.

 

[Winks_Elf]

(((((BIG HUG!))))) That sounds like something my own mother would do! I''m so sorry that your special time was spoiled.

Listen, she''s still your mother. Give her a call and talk to her. Tell her that you need to discuss why she wasn''t there for you, because it has really hurt you. Give her a chance to save face and make it up to you. If she tells you flat out that she didn''t want to go for whatever reason, and makes no apologies, you will have to choose to get past this or to distance yourself.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Oh, Mia, I''m so sorry. What a rotten thing to do to you.

I can''t believe they didn''t even let you know beforehand that they wouldn''t be able to make it. The way you found out by calling makes it even worse, I think. I''m sorry you''re so disappointed and I''m also very emotional so I can relate. I would *definitely* call them out on it. It doesn''t have to be confrontational, but I think they owe it to you to at least apologize or say something for themselves. I don''t know what your parents are like, though. Do they apologize? [Mine NEVER do.] I think if you just go to visit with feelings of animosity, even if you''re not showing those feelings, might do more harm than good. From my experience trying to pretend everything is okay and "letting go" of problems rather than confronting them is a terrible way to go about things.

Since you asked what I would do: I would go, express disappointment that they didn''t come to your elopement celebration, possibly have a brief conversation about that, give your little brother his present, and make the visit short and pleasant, but not super cheery if that isn''t how you are feeling. No need to fake it. I personally wouldn''t give them the wedding album after they blew you off. I know it sounds petty, but you can always give it to them another time. It would upset me to give an album of my special photos to people who didn''t think the celebration of my marriage was worth showing up for.

*hugs* to you, sweetie. Your ILs and siblings sound very sweet!

 

[Winslet]

Mia I feel terribly about what happened to you. It does seem as though your mom is bothered about something, and the issue probably needs to be addressed. I''m sending warm thoughts and hugs your way with the hope that it''ll help you and your mom work through whatever problem is prompting her inexcusable behavior.

 

[mia1181]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I love having PS to run to with my problems! You guys all rock! I''m sorry I won''t be able to respond to you all individually because I have been busy visiting people and just getting home now, I will be going to bed soon.

To answer a few questions- No my parents are not at all upset about the elopement. They knew well beforehand and were very proud/supportive of the way we got married. They love our wedding pictures and have been telling me how much they love showing them off to friends. The issue here is most likely that they don''t like in-laws or felt uncomfortable at a dinner that was mostly DH''s family.

I had a thread a while ago complaining about MIL calling it a reception and then inviting ALL of DH''s family but only my parents and siblings. While I knew it was her right to do so, I just thought it was odd. We told her we would rather keep it to immediate family and she was happy to do that but wanted to have the rest of DH''s family over for a seperate party.

That plan was okay with us, until we realized she was planning and elaborate cocktail party for the rest of the family, but just pizza and wings for my parents. And due to the weird dates we are here, she wanted to have the DH family party on a Sunday night and my parents over on Monday. I didn''t like this because I felt my parents were getting the shaft. And interestingly, my mom complained that my dad would have to work on Monday, but would have Sunday off!

So I asked MIL to change it back to the original plan and she was fine with it. I should also not that my mom knew nothing of any of this and I never told her how much of DH''s family would be there. I just figured if she were to complain, I would say if she doesn''t like it, she can throw a party for our family.

My MIL (although I don''t doubt that she loves me) is not perfect either. I don''t want to get into my life story, but there is also a reason why my mother doesn''t care for DH''s mom. I didn''t have a great childhood, and I ran away for good at 16. I think my MIL judged my mom because of this. They used to live in the same town and one time they ran into each other. MIL asked if she was my mom and then proceeded to say how much they love me and how she has "taken me under her wing." I think that was very hurtful to my mom. But what can I do about that? I think a lot of in-laws don''t like each other, but IMO they should be able to suck it up for their kids. My mother couldn''t do that. Unfortunately, she disappoints her children often. My siblings were upset, but not surprised.

Okay now for the update- Well, no I didn''t confront her. I think I just learn my lessons and move on. I don''t really need her to change because we are not close and will never be. I know she won''t change so I am not going to waste any effort. I know it sounds sad but I am okay with it. But what did happen was that I think she did feel guilty. She called me a million times today. She called my sister (who she hasn''t been talking to) today trying to get ahold of me. My dad called to tell my sister that they are now buying her wedding dress! (they previously said they would, but bailed. Then they *obviously* had my brother call and basically say it''s all his fault because he should have called and offered to drive her!

I really think they did all this because they are feeling guilty about the kind of parents they are.

Then when I finally called her she didn''t apologize, but instead blamed my brother again. I pointed out that of course he could have picked her up because he was already picking up my friend on the way. I went on to say "I would have told him to pick you guys up too, but you didn''t seem like you really wanted to go." Her response was "well he should have called." She didn''t try to convince me that she did want to go. So I know for certain she didn''t. She is just trying to push the blame. So I ended up giving in, and we are going to visit. We''ll keep it as short as possible, but I feel it''s more important to keep the peace than get an apology. She will just continue to blame others. So yeah, I know you guys are probably rolling your eyes (if you have even read this far.... geez!), but given that she won''t change and I I can''t cut my mother from my life, I''ll just have to limit her chanced to be destructive to my life.

Oh god I know I''ve rambled on...... I guess I just need to purge this all out.....

Violet02- I''m sorry you had to go through wedding related drama too!

My parents haven''t sent a gift or card either. They have called and told me a million times how proud they are and love my pictures, and my husband. They just have no clue on etiquette or whatever. Just today she was asking if I received a gift from my aunt who keeps saying she''ll send one. I wanted to say "Why do you care? You didn''t send one either!" I''m not saying I need a gift, but it''s just weird that they don''t know that it''s nice to do these things, especially when you are the parent.

Wishful- Nope, my parents have never apologized!!!! They blame others! You are right that playing nice never helps things, but I think I have just decided to distance myself from them, so I try to not get too emotionally involved. This was just another lesson in how crappy they are as parents. What made it so upsetting was how the siblings have always banded together, that''s the way it has always been. In a lot of ways, we''ve raised each other and we all know our parents suck. It''s just that every now and then, it gets rubbed in our faces.

I promise I am not like this with everyone! I usually stick up for myself pretty well. My problem with them is that they never try to change, but I feel too sorry for them to cut ties for good.

 

[WishfulThinking]

I think you dealt with it really well, Mia. I''m sorry to hear about your on-going issues with your parents. Although our situations are very different they sound very similar to my own parents in a lot of ways. I know exactly what you mean about distancing yourself but not being able to cut off all ties. It''s good that you and your siblings are so close, though. It sounds like you''ve helped each other through a lot.

 

[musey]

Ouch

I am so sorry mia.

 

[pocahontas]

Mia, I''m so sorry you had to go through this! There''s no excuse for your parents'' behaviour

I think the other ladies have given you sound advice: when you''re ready, I think you should talk to your parents and let them know how hurt and disappointed you were by their actions. Hugs to you, friend. I hope you feel better soon.