would you...

[cbs102]

God forbid anyone of us got a divorce..but here is a hypothetical question. If you were to get a divorce, would you change your name back to your maiden name???\

my FI has been married before and bugs the crap out of me that his ex has his last name still. she also has a really bad reputation so i don''t want people to confuse us!!!!!!

 

[tlh]

Depends on the reasons for the divorce... and how long married. If you''ve built a career and reputation w/ a name (ummm in a +++ way) you might want to keep that for recognition purposes.... so I guess, it just depends.
Sorry that the ex w/ the same name bugs you. Some people who aren''t related might not like having a name with someone who isn''t well liked.... Bush, but then there''s Busch yummy!
I wouldn''t worry about being confused... you don''t have the same FIRST NAMES do you? THAT WOULD SUCK!

 

[Shoopy]

They have a young child together though right?

I think once you throw in children then it changes it a little. It can be a hassle to have your child with a different last name (not impossible but just annoying).

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/29/2009 11:41:01 AM
Author: fieryred33143
They have a young child together though right?

I think once you throw in children then it changes it a little. It can be a hassle to have your child with a different last name (not impossible but just annoying).

well she has two children from two different fathers...both have different last names. a friend of mine is in the same situation as me. her now husband put it in the divorce decree to hisex that her name had to be changed back to her maiden name.

if i were to get divorced, with children or not, i would be changing my name back.

 

[Shoopy]

Oh! Is that something that your FI can do now since it bothers you?

My aunt divorced my uncle when my cousin''s were 8/9. She kept his last name until they were 18 but at that point she had the last name for 18 years that it didn''t make sense for her to change it.

 

[elrohwen]

I think it would depend on how the marriage ended and whether we had kids together. If we ended it because it just wasn''t working out, I''d probably keep his name and I think I definitely would if we had kids together with the shared last name. If it ended really badly with him cheating or something, I''d probably want to get rid of his name forever. Also, if I had had the name for 20 years or something, I''d be more likely to keep it than if we had just been married for 3 years or something because by that point it would feel more like my name than my maiden name.

Really, I''m just guessing here because I''ve never been in that position and don''t know what I would do. It would depend on so many factors.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/29/2009 11:52:05 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Oh! Is that something that your FI can do now since it bothers you?

My aunt divorced my uncle when my cousin''s were 8/9. She kept his last name until they were 18 but at that point she had the last name for 18 years that it didn''t make sense for her to change it.

i don''t know, but it would be fabulous if he could!! this is a really small town and people call her the "town bicycle" you know...because everyone hops on for a ride! i am cringing as i write this..its totally a sad situation!

i guess that its not a huge thing...i just feel sometimes that i am not his first for anything - because he has been married before and has a daughter...its kinda like an added "bonus" that she has his last name too! and she is still going by Mrs. ____ . That will be my title thank you very much!

 

[monarch64]

Yes, "god forbid" any of us should ever get a divorce. I'm going through one right now and am sick and tired of the stigma that goes along with the "d" word.

I'm torn between keeping my married name or going back to my maiden name. My SIL's name, as well as my new niece's are the same as MY maiden name. Yes, my brother married a girl with the same first name as me, and then they named their daughter that same first name. The license branch is a real treat now. (I love it that we all share the same name, but it is a little inconvenient sometimes.) As far as me keeping my married name being a possible nuisance to my stbx, that's too bad. I certainly don't live my life in a way that would bring shame or embarrassment to him or his family, he does that to himself.

ETA: and honestly, I am somewhat resistant to going through all the hassle of changing my name back at this point. It's not the easiest process in the world, it just adds insult to injury for the divorcee, in my opinion. I don't usually give this much attitude, but this whole issue is sort of a sore spot with me. I'm not directing this at anyone in particular.

 

[vespergirl]

After my divorce, I changed from my husband''s name back to my maiden name. Now that I am remarried, I took my new husband''s last name.

 

[vespergirl]

I will add that if my marriage had children, I would keep my ex-husband''s last name to keep it the same as the children''s last name.

 

[omieluv]

My aunt did that serveral years after her divorce. My dad could not understand why she would even bother, but I can totally understand why. My cousins had already grown up and moved on in life, so the name change would not have impacted them anyway (her daughters were married and took their hubby's names).

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/29/2009 12:14:59 PM
Author: monarch64
Yes, ''god forbid'' any of us should ever get a divorce. I''m going through one right now and am sick and tired of the stigma that goes along with the ''d'' word.

I''m torn between keeping my married name or going back to my maiden name. My SIL''s name, as well as my new niece''s are the same as MY maiden name. Yes, my brother married a girl with the same first name as me, and then they named their daughter that same first name. The license branch is a real treat now. (I love it that we all share the same name, but it is a little inconvenient sometimes.) As far as me keeping my married name being a possible nuisance to my stbx, that''s too bad. I certainly don''t live my life in a way that would bring shame or embarrassment to him or his family, he does that to himself.

ETA: and honestly, I am somewhat resistant to going through all the hassle of changing my name back at this point. It''s not the easiest process in the world, it just adds insult to injury for the divorcee, in my opinion. I don''t usually give this much attitude, but this whole issue is sort of a sore spot with me. I''m not directing this at anyone in particular.

Monarch,
First, if i offended you in any way i am sorry. There is a stigma that goes with divorce. my mother has been divorced and both were very painful.. and both times, she had friends drop her because she was a divorcee.

It is good for me to hear the other side of the coin. My Fi''s ex was the reason why their marriage ended. she was an habitual cheater..and if his daughter did not look just like him, there might be some serious questions whether she was really his biological child.

i ask this question for my own selfish needs. i know that my feelings are silly but they are real feelings i have. this is my first time marriage- i just feel a little weird knowing that there is a woman who intentially ended her marriage and she is still answering to Mrs. ____

 

[joflier]

I''m taking back my maiden name. And let me tell you - I''m pretty darn excited to do so! Its mine. It always was and always will be, reguardless of whether its been changed or not, that is still my name. That name is something that is a part of me, the root of who I am and where i came from, and I''m proud to take it back!

 

[coatimundi_org]

Date: 1/29/2009 12:14:59 PM
Author: monarch64
Yes, ''god forbid'' any of us should ever get a divorce. I''m going through one right now and am sick and tired of the stigma that goes along with the ''d'' word.

(((hugs Monnie)))

yes, and another poster is going through a divorce right now.

In answer to the question--I have kept my name to begin with--never took hubby''s name. So, if I ever was to divorce, no change.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/29/2009 12:33:07 PM
Author: joflier
I''m taking back my maiden name. And let me tell you - I''m pretty darn excited to do so! Its mine. It always was and always will be, reguardless of whether its been changed or not, that is still my name. That name is something that is a part of me, the root of who I am and where i came from, and I''m proud to take it back!

this reminded me of "i am woman hear me roar!" i would do the same thing. i am glad that you decided to take back your own identity!

 

[omieluv]

Date: 1/29/2009 12:36:10 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/29/2009 12:33:07 PM
Author: joflier
I''m taking back my maiden name. And let me tell you - I''m pretty darn excited to do so! Its mine. It always was and always will be, reguardless of whether its been changed or not, that is still my name. That name is something that is a part of me, the root of who I am and where i came from, and I''m proud to take it back!

this reminded me of ''i am woman hear me roar!'' i would do the same thing. i am glad that you decided to take back your own identity!

I would not hesitate to take my maiden name back, though, I have not decided if I would take his name in the first place.

 

[cbs102]

I just asked him if he would take my last name if she didn''t change hers.. he did not like that suggestion!

 

[Bliss]

I would imagine you would want to change your name back, but in many cases -- many women don't because regardless of how they feel about their exes, that is who they are now. That marriage, the divorce and those experiences made them who they are.

So I don't think they should *have* to, but I would think most would want to change their names naturally. It depends on how long you have been together. That name is part yours, too -- once you have taken it on. Of course you can change it, but there's no reason why you should have to give it up either. Marriage isn't taking on the man's removable mantle. Sure, it's tradition to be under the same flag/family crest, but it's not "his." It's the couple's flag, so to speak.

cbs, I totally understand how you feel.

Just try to remember how special you are. No one can replace you or be you. Even though your FI has been married before and has a child, it does not make your union any less special or new. It's BRAND NEW! You can recreate and reclaim all the bad memories for FI. You can make a marriage mean something BEAUTIFUL for FI. You can give him a child who will grow up in a stable, loving household. You can redefine EVERYTHING in your own special way. Just think how amazing that will be! In a way, it's even more beautiful because you are helping to heal old wounds and are giving a whole new definition to these very sacred things. You can rediscover these things together for the VERY FIRST TIME. It will be more special in many ways for the both of you.

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/29/2009 12:36:10 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/29/2009 12:33:07 PM
Author: joflier
I''m taking back my maiden name. And let me tell you - I''m pretty darn excited to do so! Its mine. It always was and always will be, reguardless of whether its been changed or not, that is still my name. That name is something that is a part of me, the root of who I am and where i came from, and I''m proud to take it back!

this reminded me of ''i am woman hear me roar!'' i would do the same thing. i am glad that you decided to take back your own identity!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

 

[monarch64]

CBS, no worries...it''s not that I''m offended by your thread or your opinion on the matter, it just irks me to no end that there is still that social stigma. I would probably feel the same as you if I were in your situation.

 

[cbs102]

Bliss,
you have me crying over here. thank you for the inspirational words of wisdom!

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/29/2009 12:46:35 PM
Author: monarch64
CBS, no worries...it''s not that I''m offended by your thread or your opinion on the matter, it just irks me to no end that there is still that social stigma. I would probably feel the same as you if I were in your situation.

I actually really agree with you. The first time i ever met my Fi''s mother she told me that she was very concerned that i have never been married and i don''t have any children (i was 26). my answer to her was that i want to make sure that i found the ''right'' person and that i was not ready. I am now a few months away from marrying her son and i still feel that cautiousness. There is no way that we can even predict that when we say "i do" it will be forever. I am so aware of the faact that a good marriage takes WORK and even then they don''t always work out. because of what i have seen through my own mother and her two divorces, i actually commend people if they are divorced. to come to the realization that the marriage is no longer working for you and you get out..that is a good thing. no one needs to be in a relationship of any kind that is bringing heartache.

in this situation, i almost feel like my upcoming marriage is a little less special because he has done it all. and again, this is never what i would have predicted for myself when i met the man i was going to marry. its hard being second and to take care of someone else child..but i have over come this because that is what has to be done in order for our relationship to work.

i am happy for you that you are so strong in the midst of what must be a very painful experience.

 

[Bliss]

Date: 1/29/2009 12:47:26 PM
Author: cbs102
Bliss,

you have me crying over here. thank you for the inspirational words of wisdom!

Awww, cbs! I totally understand, girrrrrrl. It's your innocence that makes you wonder what others have experienced and if it somehow could mean more. It doesn't. At all! The heart begins anew. It's all new because it's YOU! And you are MAGIC!

More than anything, FI is probably trying to forget the ex as fast as he can. You can totally help him! She sounds like a thorn in his side. Thank God that a goddess like you appeared in his life so he wasn't too traumatized to get married again! That says a lot! What a lucky guy that he gets a second chance with an angel like you to GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME! Wow! He's been touched by an angel!

Everything that you experience together is TOTALLY new! And TOTALLY yours. Own it. Those times you have a nagging doubt that maybe FI and the ex had dinner there or went on vacation somewhere you're going... JUST SQUELCH IT. It's not real. It's your little insecurity popping in to trouble you. It's a scary thing, but it's not real. Just repeat to yourself that it's not real, it's an illusion. FI is probably sitting there thinking, "I am the luckiest guy in the world." So don't ruin those moments! They are YOURS and YOURS ALONE.

Write a mental post-it note, "Dear Insecurity, time to go! Love, Me."

No one in the world is like you. Every single hair on your head is unique and JUST for you. Your magic is yours alone and you make it new and exciting. No one can replace you. FI knows this, as he is marrying you! Be the goddess! Shine so bright that there is no room for darkness or doubt.

Make it fun! Don't avoid stuff that you think has been "sullied" by FI and ex. Purposely go OUT and recreate that -- make it just yours and FI's with NEW KICK ASS memories! Take FI's name and MAKE IT MEAN SOMETHING THIS TIME. You're the real Mrs. cbs102! Rest serene in that you are the queen of this kingdom! HUGS.

This is a whole new marriage and it's means MORE because this time, it's FOREVER.
Sometimes the second chance outshines the first mistake. It's more meaningful and special because this time, you KNOW it's real.

 

[cbs102]

Bliss, you HAD to have gone through this before!!!!! your advice is so sound and so sincere. thank you seriously, from the bottom of my heart. i never knew that it would be this difficult. i was finding difficulty finding things that were just "ours" but you have really opened my eyes...

really, thank you so much for understanding why i am such a lonny toon.

 

[Bliss]

Date: 1/29/2009 1:16:18 PM
Author: cbs102
Bliss, you HAD to have gone through this before!!!!! your advice is so sound and so sincere. thank you seriously, from the bottom of my heart. i never knew that it would be this difficult. i was finding difficulty finding things that were just 'ours' but you have really opened my eyes...


really, thank you so much for understanding why i am such a lonny toon.

You're not a loony toon! But I did live a very sheltered life and thus had to learn about the real world the hard way. I used to think like you did and was very set on certain ideas!!! Everything was black and white, no shades of gray!

My feelings changed with FI, who ironically, was my first BF and first everything. He has never been married before and had only one girlfriend before me. This will be the first marriage for the both of us. So why do I have a renewed sense of how special things are now? We've got a second chance at love!

His love made me realize that nothing matters when it comes to love. Love is eternal. There are no deal breakers when it comes to love. There is no "history" that matters when it comes to Love. It is all cradled in Love and made whole and special and new. It's sacred and scarred all in one. Nothing else matters one whit. So that's how my hardheaded self came to learn this lesson!

That is why I know that if you and FI truly love each other -- this is new. This is special. This will outshine all others. No one else matters. You two are the sun and everything revolves around that Love. This is our second engagement and it's so much more special than the first time we got engaged. It's funny. We had such an elaborate first engagement in Hawaii with all the celebrations and crazy romance. But it was the second time without all the fanfare that meant the most to us. The fireworks were in our hearts. We all make mistakes. The important thing now is that you fight like heck and do your very best to protect this sacred blessing that you two share. It's like the heavens opened and you got this very special gift. Don't squander it by looking back into the past. You might lose it! Focus on this one true thing.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/29/2009 12:35:46 PM
Author: coatimundi

Date: 1/29/2009 12:14:59 PM
Author: monarch64
Yes, ''god forbid'' any of us should ever get a divorce. I''m going through one right now and am sick and tired of the stigma that goes along with the ''d'' word.

(((hugs Monnie)))

yes, and another poster is going through a divorce right now.

In answer to the question--I have kept my name to begin with--never took hubby''s name. So, if I ever was to divorce, no change.

Ditto. He fell in love with ME and when I married him, neither of us thought I needed to change my name for tradition''s sake.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I LOVE my maiden name. It is cool and sounds amazing with my first name. It is also really uncommon. It was totally hard for me to let go (which is why I dropped my middle instead). Now there is nothing wrong with my married name. It is long and people TOTALLY have trouble spelling it (which I don''t get) but I do love having the same last name as my DH and child. So for me it was worth it to change my name. If we got a divorce I would keep it just b/c we do have a child. If we got divorce BEFORE she came along I would go back.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:09:56 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I LOVE my maiden name. It is cool and sounds amazing with my first name. It is also really uncommon. It was totally hard for me to let go (which is why I dropped my middle instead). Now there is nothing wrong with my married name. It is long and people TOTALLY have trouble spelling it (which I don''t get) but I do love having the same last name as my DH and child. So for me it was worth it to change my name. If we got a divorce I would keep it just b/c we do have a child. If we got divorce BEFORE she came along I would go back.

tacori,
i just want to say that your daughter is so flipping cute- i can;t stand it.!

 

[Circe]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:02:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/29/2009 12:35:46 PM

Author: coatimundi

Date: 1/29/2009 12:14:59 PM

Author: monarch64

Yes, ''god forbid'' any of us should ever get a divorce. I''m going through one right now and am sick and tired of the stigma that goes along with the ''d'' word.

(((hugs Monnie)))


yes, and another poster is going through a divorce right now.


In answer to the question--I have kept my name to begin with--never took hubby''s name. So, if I ever was to divorce, no change.

Ditto. He fell in love with ME and when I married him, neither of us thought I needed to change my name for tradition''s sake.

Thritto.

That said, on your particular issue ... is his last name all that uncommon? Because, with most last names, it''s not just that there''s another Mrs. ... say, Jones, out there. There are probably thousands of Mrs. Jones! And each and every one of them is unique.

I and my parents are literally the only people in this country with my last name. It''s one of the reasons that I was adamant about keeping it: I''m the last of the line. My husband is the only person in this country with his last name. If it wasn''t for that, I think we might have amalgamated our names (example: Circe + Odysseus = ... Curious? Or something similarly euphonious). If your FI objects to changing his last name to yours (why, btw?) perhaps you could come up with a new last name that would be yours alone? I''ve always rather liked that idea ....

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If we had children, I probably would. If we didn''t have babies together, then no, I would change back.