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Would you want to know...

  • Thread starter Thread starter MillieLou
  • Start date Start date

Would you want to know from a stranger that your spouse was cheating on you?

  • Yes

    Votes: 40 80.0%

  • No

    Votes: 9 18.0%

  • Depends, I'll explain

    Votes: 1 2.0%
  • Total voters
    50
M

MillieLou

Guest
...if someone you "knew" on a forum found out your spouse was cheating on you?

Unfortunately I am in this position. The wife is a regular poster on the forum in question, whereas I'm an occasional poster. So we have had friendly interactions but I've never met her, don't have her contact details though could probably find them.

She seems lovely and absolutely devoted to her family. Her husband has been cheating with a work colleague of my husband (they are all in the same field of work). I found out by coincidence. The cheating husband has no idea I know his wife, or even that he is married and has kids. He portrayed himself as a single man, but I absolutely know it's him from his name, specific circumstances and a photo posted on the forum a while ago.

I don't know whether to just let it go and forget I know (I'm unlikely to see either of them), or tell her.
 
Honestly, I would stay the heck out of it.

Yes, it’s possible he’s cheating. But there are many things that could be happening here that aren’t nefarious at all. And you don’t know either party well enough to be sure of what’s what.

The guy isn’t the same man. It’s a brother, twin, cousin, stranger who looks uncannily similar and has an unexpectedly similar life story.

He’s not “cheating” at all - the couple has a non monogamous relationship. But they choose to not share those details in public, at work or on public fora.

They’re separated or divorced and the wife hasn’t shared those details on the forum you know her from.
 
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I'd rather find out from a stranger than a friend. If it were a stranger there would be no relationship to worry about messing up.
People tend to shoot the messenger.

Kind of agree with @yessie though. I tend to not get involved in other people's situations. I choose to not put any undue drama
in my life.

BTW
When my first husband and I were divorcing I did not tell a lot of people. I just wasn't ready to deal with all the questions and wanted
to be on stronger footing before it came out. As many people know it can be a very painful time and your self-confidence can take
a real hit.
 
Thanks both. I'm inclined to stay out of it - I'm the sort of person who prefers to avoid conflict and drama, and this isn't something that affects me in any way.

Perhaps I just wanted reassurance that I'm not doing a terrible unethical thing by staying quiet. Because I think I, personally, would want to know. But I can see why someone else might not.

It's definitely not mistaken identity sadly.
 
Knowledge is power. So I would rather know than not know
 
My knee-jerk reaction would be to tell them because I too would feel guilty about knowing.

But as @tyty333 said, people do tend to shoot the messenger. You also have no idea what the personality of this man is—assume the worst, which means there could be violence if he's outed. Maybe the woman knows already too. We have no idea about what goes on in the lives of others, and while it might seem cowardly, dipping your toes into another couple's marital problems rarely ever ends well.

I would personally want to know, but that's because I know myself well enough that my anger would not be misdirected at the person who told me. I would want to know, even from a stranger, because I don't like being made to look like a fool. But only as long as the stranger telling me is coming from a good place.

Lots of intricacies. But at the end of the day, I would err on the side of caution and stay out of it. A compromise? Be there for the woman in as much of a capacity as you can through the forum, be an "online friend." Maybe that can help.
 
I agree with the messenger usually gets shot.

Hopefully fate intervenes, and you get a reply from the poster that unequivocally guides you.
 
MillieLou said:
Thanks both. I'm inclined to stay out of it - I'm the sort of person who prefers to avoid conflict and drama, and this isn't something that affects me in any way.

Perhaps I just wanted reassurance that I'm not doing a terrible unethical thing by staying quiet. Because I think I, personally, would want to know. But I can see why someone else might not.

It's definitely not mistaken identity sadly.
Click to expand...

You’re definitely not!. If you knew either party well, if you were a “friend” and therefore responsible for another person’s happiness and well-being, my answer would have been different - but if either party was a friend you wouldn’t have asked this question here on PS!!

The whole question of ethics presumes a LOT about these people’s relationship. That they’re monogamous. That they’re still together. That one party wants to be together. Those are very private affairs and agreements that you, a virtual stranger to both, would (should) have no insight into… But that also leaves any suppositions of wrongdoing hanging on the threads of presumption.

Not a good place for you to end up!
 
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I don’t know that I could bring myself to interact with someone, even at arm’s length in a forum, if I knew this. Although I also understand the points about never knowing others’ circumstances. I’d probably be inclined to let them know what I know while acknowledging there could be circumstances I’m completely unaware of and won’t bring it up again/am bowing out of interaction/don’t need any kind of response or explanation. If it is a cheating situation I’d feel terrible about not giving a heads up when I could have. I don’t think you are ethically bound to that at all, and I think you would definitely need to mention that you understand you could have it all wrong.
 
I'd stay out of it unless the woman was a close friend or relative of mine. On the other hand, I might secretly applaud someone who did tell. I can see why you're confused. There are a lot of unknowns in that situation.

To answer the original question though, I'd definitely want to know.
 
I’d definitely want to know, personally, and while I’d feel awkward and hesitant to contact a stranger like this, a part of me would feel compelled to do so. The way I see it, even if they are having problems / open relationship etc they shouldn’t mind me telling. I would approach it by saying it’s none of my business, I don’t want or need an explanation, but if XYZ at ABC company is their husband, they should be aware that XYZ routinely cheats (insert proof if any). The only time I wouldn’t is if revealing it would have repercussions on me or my own partner/job/safety etc.
 
I voted yes. The question at the top leaves out the hypotheticals of whether or not it is even true. I would of course not want to be told by a stranger that my spouse was cheating when they were not.

Cheating is such an integrity red flag -- if he/she would cheat, they would lie, steal, and expose you and your kids to financial and health risks, etc. Infidelity is one thing but it is never isolated from other betrayals. Just one male perspective and, happily, zero experience with this in either direction.
 
Lol.

I feel like if you’re ever starting a sentence with “So I know that it’s none of my business…” - that’s your sign for what you really should do (or should have done) :lol:

And that’s in general, not specific to this thread or topic!

Millie what does your husband think you (or he) should do? He works with this man, he knows him better.
 
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I’d want to know. I also don’t get some of the excuses people have used to justify staying quiet, if they are separating or poly/open I don’t think they’d be upset or surprised. I do think the bigger issue would be the shooting of the messenger and agree that is a risk. But I also think there is less messenger risk in a stranger situation, rather than when you know and care about both people involved. Id be so upset to learn that multiple people knew my spouse was cheating and kept it from me. Idk maybe it’s some sort of solidarity I feel, let the person know, they can do whatever they like with that info.
 
I’m changing my mind.

You don’t need to say anything/contact them.
I just have a feeling the PS member can see themselves in what little information was given. They already knew - or they do now.
 
Would I want to know? Yes.

Would I feel obligated to be the informant in this situation? No. There are too many variables, too many unknowns, and one of the best things I've ever heard in life was "I have a right to not know your business". If she were a friend and not an online acquaintance, my advice would be different, but I'd suggest staying out of it.

That said, I understand that unfortunately, you do know something. There is no way to have the whole picture, but if you feel obligated to dispense information, I'd say something along the lines of "Please forgive me if I've completely misread this situation, but here is what I think I know, *insert your facts/evidence*. If I was in the position I currently believe you to be, I would want to know which is why I chose to reach out. Please ignore this if it is not new information."
 
Thanks all.
josieKat said:
I don’t know that I could bring myself to interact with someone, even at arm’s length in a forum, if I knew this.
Click to expand...
Yes, this is how I feel, and why I've all but stopped posting on said forum :(sadIt feels dishonest to interact with this person now.

My husband works with the female party. He has no idea if she is aware her other half has a wife and children and doesn't intend to find out. He thinks I should stay well out of it.

I'm pretty sure I have my answer now, so thank you. I wonder if on some level the person suspects already. I hope things get resolved one way or another. She and her kids deserve better than him and I hope she realises that.
 
Yes, I would want to know.

Although, I'd only want the facts and not from a second party. I would not want to hear, "My husband said that your husband is cheating on you." I'd prefer something like, "I saw your husband at ? restaurant on ? with a woman. They were kissing/holding hands and I thought you should know."
 
I would want to know, stranger or not. I would ask for proof and then proceed with my own due diligence. As noted above, knowledge is power.

Yes, messenger always gets shot, but usually it is geared towards a person that you are close to or be in the same social circle. I would hope a stranger doesn't get the same beating.

I am sorry that you are in this position, good luck with whatever decision you reach.
 
Hi,

I have another view. I would not tell the wife but I might be inclined to tell the co-worker that her so called boyfriend is married with kids. I'll bet she would like to know that, perhaps before the relationship got too serious.

I faced a similar situation many yrs ago. I was friends with a lovely couple who I worked with. The man was my boss and his wife worked in the same company, but in a different location.
My boss left the company and took myself and another woman with him to the new job. I worked in a different department than my boss, but we would attend some of the same meetings. At one of these meetings I glanced over and caught my boss almost drooling over the other woman that he had brought with him and now worked under him directly. I told another friend, and they informed me that my boss was seen leaving this womans apartment at 7.30 AM, by a reliable person. They were having an affair.
My boss's wife told me she thought her husband was very depressed and might be having a breakdown. You see his woman friend-- lover, moved to California and he was falling apart. His wife asked me directly is I knew if he was having an affair with this woman. I denied it. You see the wife adored her husband(he was likeable). Even after 25 or more years. She would have been the one with the breakdown (or so I thought).. No, I could not do it. I knew her husband loved her, really. They retired to Florida, and remained married.

Life happens. It does not always go as planned.

Annette
 
Domestic situations can be very ugly and they sometimes draw in other people so be careful. While everyone would want to know if something was going on behind their back, not sure if everyone would want just anyone telling them. Most of these situations come to light on their own. It seems that you don’t interact often with this person so I would just let it ride. It is hard to be the person that breaks someone’s heart with that news.
 
^ To me this is like learning you have a terrible medical diagnosis. I'd prefer it be done in a kind and compassionate fashion by a skilled and knowledgeable messenger, but the manner in which the news is shared -- and by whom -- is so, so secondary to the need to provide the actual information.

That said, and although we have had occasional suspicions about other couples, there has never been a smoking gun or anything close that would raise a dilemma about the need to inform. So, yeah, a funny feeing or some iffy suspicions do not count in any part of this conversation, imo.
 
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Yes, but only if there were vows or promises of monogamy explicitly discussed and agreed to.
In many romantic relationships one or both assume monogamy is just assumed ... BIG MISTAKE!

It has happened to me.
I was in a mutually-agreed-monogamous relationship with a guy who was actually cheating.
A friend told me what he witnessed, so I ended it immediately.
All tears, apologies, and promises about the future fell flat.

"Out you go, dude."
 
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of everyone else knows i would want to know
but .......?
its a hard one
i just hope to never be in that position. either the one knowing or the one being cheated on
i really hate gossip
 
Thank you all.

For the avoidance of doubt, this is not a gossip / suspicions scenario. I am sure.

This thread has made me realise two things:

(1) As open as someone seems online, no-one really knows what's going on behind closed doors. Maybe they have an open marriage. Maybe she knows and is OK with it. Maybe she knows and isn't OK with it, but the online forum is her escape to present the relationship she wants to the world.

(2) It's not about whether I would want to know, or even whether 90% of others would want to know. It's about whether this particular person wants to be told. And I don't think she does.

I'm not going to say anything. Unless she asks, which is unlikely.
 
My first marriage ended from a phone call from an irate husband. I was always grateful to know so I could (and did) take the next steps. It was not the first time Romeo wandered away, but it was his last.

That caller helped take out the trash.
 
I would only say something if this was a close friend. As others have said, you don't know the dynamics of the relationship and to me, it makes sense to stay out of it. If she were a good friend, then yes, I'd tell her, because otherwise, if she found out that you knew all along she would probably be angry with you for allowing her to look like a fool to others.
 
I'd definitely want to know but at the same time, in your shoes I'd stay out of it if I didn't know them well enough. We don't know what their situation is.
 
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