Would you still choose your significant other if you met today?

[Girly925]

I''ve been reading posts on this website for a long time but finally decided to post myself. Let me tell you my background before going into the topic of the post. I''ve been with my fiance for 6 years now. We met in college when we were really poor students. Even though we were so poor back then, we always managed to have a great time. We went to some pretty ghetto restaurants and did a lot of fun things that didn''t require a lot of money. Neither of us came from wealthy families and we really enjoyed the things we did together. Since then, we''ve graduated college and both have really high paying jobs now. We have a combined income of almost $250k and we work in corporate environments with colleagues who lead very comfortable lifestyles. During this time, I feel like what I want my lifestyle to be like has changed dramatically because now we are able to afford more. Now we can go to nice restaurants, stay in fancy hotels, buy nicer things, etc. I don''t think I''m excessive and in general, I''m not a huge spender. He, on the other hand, seems to not have changed at all since the days we were students on loans eating ramen. He is still perfectly fine with restaurants that have $5 entrees and wearing the same things he''s worn for years. Normally we compromise fine. We go to all sorts of places and we''re both willing to compromise a lot for what the other wants.

Sometimes I feel like I have changed a lot while he has remained the same. This has made me wonder whether I would date him today if I met him now instead of 6 years ago. A part of me says that I might not. I''m guilty to admit that if I were single today I would be attracted to someone who was a bit more worldly, someone more ambitious and someone who wants to take the world by storm. I love my fiance very much, although sometimes I feel like he is willing to settle for the lifestyle that he grew up with, even though he is able to have so much more. I think that in relationships people are constantly changing and sometimes it is the commitment to be together that keeps you together even though you''ve changed so much from each other. So what does everyone think? Would you still choose your significant other if you met today, given how much you''ve changed since the day you actually met?

 

[musey]

Yes, without a doubt. While we have changed since we met, we have grown and changed together--and our priorities in life are still in line with each other's. I feel as though I "choose" him each and every morning, because the truth is that if we weren't completely happy with each other and wanted something different there would be nothing standing in our way (not married yet, no kids, etc.).

If there were a legitimate doubt in my mind whether he were the right person for me, or whether we would continue to grow and change together intead of apart, or whether I would feel unfulfilled spending my life with someone like him... I wouldn't want to marry him.

 

[kcoursolle]

Definitely!!!! Over the years I''ve learned even more what a wonderful man he is and how well he treats me!!

 

[firebirdgold]

YES! I also feel that while we both have changed alot since we met, that we''ve changed in ways that have made us closer together not farther apart.

In a way we''re similar to you and your fi. We started with very different lifstyle ideas. Despite a very good income he was still in the Grad school lifestyle. I was more accustomed to *cough* the finer things in life. However we have adapted and adjusted over time and have learned from each other and just generally changed. He''ll always be more frugal and I''ll always like fancier stuff, but how we envision our lives and our lifestyles are now the same.
It''s like that in all respects. As time has gone on and life has changed us, it has changed us together.

Maybe it''s because we were older when we met so we already had an idea of who we were as adults.

 

[sumbride]

I think that''s the difference in couples that meet when they are young and couples that meet when they are more established. When I met my FI, I was 25, out of school for a few years, working in my current field, though in a much lower job, and "on my own". He was too. So we were already "who we are" and were able to find a good match in each other. We''ve definitely grown in the 4 years we''ve been together, but since we were already pretty self-aware, I think that helped. I''m not saying this happens to all young couples, but for me, it was better to meet him when I was older. And yes, if I met him again, we''d still be together!

 

[diamondfan]

I would still, but we have different approaches to things and life, which I notice more now that we have kids. I am very overprotective and a bit neurotic and a worrier, and he is NOT at all. He is calm and rational and balances me, but sometimes we do not see things the same way. We both want similar things in terms of lifestyle and material things, but we sometimes view things from two very different angles and this can be tough. But overall, I think we are on the same page about life and so that is a good thing, and there are always bumps along the way.

You guy might still really be thinking about the scary times when he went without, and though you two are doing so well now, I think those old lifestyle things can be hard to get away from...have you spoken to him about it and about your views on things going forward? Money and how to spend it even when there is more than enough can be the source of many issues...so I would absolutely have an open dialogue about it...

 

[Cehrabehra]

honestly I don''t know - I don''t think so.... and that isn''t to say that our relationship doesn''t work or anything remotely like that.... he''s a wonderful man and we''re still in love after all these years for sure! But if we were to say pass in the street or strike up a conversation now I dunno if we''d break through getting to know one another. Heck, if I hadn''t known him since I was 5 I might never given him a chance at all! He''s a steady eddie doer with no dreams and I''m the opposite. We don''t work well together but we make up for it by being very fond of one another and well suited in other ways. The marriage works, we''re happy, but if I were to meet him today I don''t think he''d pass the cut because on my list of "next husband must haves" include a love for cooking and gardening and massage of which he HATES all 3 and he''d likely not even pass the first filter LOL I joke that my next husband will like __________ but I''m not going to trade in the one I have for those things LOL

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/14/2007 4:03:05 PM
Author:Girly925
I''ve been reading posts on this website for a long time but finally decided to post myself. Let me tell you my background before going into the topic of the post. I''ve been with my fiance for 6 years now. We met in college when we were really poor students. Even though we were so poor back then, we always managed to have a great time. We went to some pretty ghetto restaurants and did a lot of fun things that didn''t require a lot of money. Neither of us came from wealthy families and we really enjoyed the things we did together. Since then, we''ve graduated college and both have really high paying jobs now. We have a combined income of almost $250k and we work in corporate environments with colleagues who lead very comfortable lifestyles. During this time, I feel like what I want my lifestyle to be like has changed dramatically because now we are able to afford more. Now we can go to nice restaurants, stay in fancy hotels, buy nicer things, etc. I don''t think I''m excessive and in general, I''m not a huge spender. He, on the other hand, seems to not have changed at all since the days we were students on loans eating ramen. He is still perfectly fine with restaurants that have $5 entrees and wearing the same things he''s worn for years. Normally we compromise fine. We go to all sorts of places and we''re both willing to compromise a lot for what the other wants.

Sometimes I feel like I have changed a lot while he has remained the same. This has made me wonder whether I would date him today if I met him now instead of 6 years ago. A part of me says that I might not. I''m guilty to admit that if I were single today I would be attracted to someone who was a bit more worldly, someone more ambitious and someone who wants to take the world by storm. I love my fiance very much, although sometimes I feel like he is willing to settle for the lifestyle that he grew up with, even though he is able to have so much more. I think that in relationships people are constantly changing and sometimes it is the commitment to be together that keeps you together even though you''ve changed so much from each other. So what does everyone think? Would you still choose your significant other if you met today, given how much you''ve changed since the day you actually met?

I responded after reading just the title before.... and after reading this I can relate even more to what you are saying.... my husband and I have been married 15 years and it''s really just been int he past 5 or so since he started making REAL money that the differences have shown up. He is content to rent movies and invest in his retirement. I keep threatning to go for long weekends to paris with my girlfriends because he''s not interested. Ugh! Lifestyle is a pretty important thing, but it pales desperately in comparison to love. Love is paramount. If you really love him you''ll work the rest of it out.... if you don''t, this is a good excuse to get out of the relationship. kwim?

 

[Pandora II]

FI and I met when I was 32 and he was 29, so we were pretty much established in our lives and ways of doing things.
Everytime I see him I feel so incredibly lucky. The thunderbolt hit us on both first sight and 2 1/2 years later still does.

Can I throw something out here. Your post reminds me of some I wrote on another forum when I was living with my ex and wondering if I should ignore the little voice in my head that said he''s not the One, and marry him because he''d be upset, we had history and the idea of walking away was uncomfortable and scary. He never did anything ''wrong'', hewas a lovely guy - just ''wrong for me''.

I bought one of those cringy books "Are you the One for Me?" and did all the exercises. The answer was clear and I left him. 6 months after meeting FI I found all my notes at my parents house and reapplied the exercises to FI. He scored nearly 100% on every category and I realised why I have never once wondered if I really want to be with him.

 

[Mara]

yes i would still choose my man if i met him today. all the things i really loved about him when we met are elements of his personality that will never go away. of course he could be a little less stubborn or anal but hey i knew that when i married him.

in life as it goes on, people do change. they can change to be more ''together'' or change to be more ''apart''...aka grow into each other or away, aka finding hobbies you both like to do together vs ones that you both like to do separately. i believe in having some form of independence in a relationship where we can each go do our own thing and neither of us wilts and dies without the other....but as my husband says which i agree with, he does not believe in turning into ''roommates'' by having separate lives...as so many people are wont to do...so there is that nice balance to find.

my parents have been together for a long time...and they have had their ups and downs, one or two separations, potential divorce. in the end they always worked it out and got back together. talking about people changing, my mother has mellowed out a lot and my dad has turned into a totally different person!! the person he is today is an awesome individual, very into family and love and what is important in life kinda thing. but when we were growing up, he was nothing like that and was not the best ''father'' as he was always working, super strict and not very understanding of kids and their foibles etc. i''m so proud to see what he has grown into (he is my stepfather)...and what we all have become. so when i think of people changing i always think of my dad and also how my parents relationship has evolved as both my parents change throughout their lives. it''s really interesting to see it happening to someone else.

in any case, if you two are not engaged or married, then really consider what you are asking or what you are thinking here. i don''t know that i''d want to continue to be in a relationship with someone, potentially heading towards marriage if i felt like i could meet them at a party or on the street and not have interest in getting to know them or going out with them. to me that''s a huge potential red flag for the future. if you have a comfort level right now (totally understandable)...a great marriage that does not make in the future.

 

[DiamondSmitten]

I would say yes because I essentially did "re-choose" him. We started dating at ages 17 and 20. We stayed together as I went through all four years of college (2 yrs long distance and 2 yrs living together) We were engaged at 19 and 22. I realized at just over 4 yrs we needed some space. He needed to grow up and learn how to take care of himself (he went right from mommy taking care of him to me) and I needed to experience life a bit. While we were apart I dated tons of ppl for a few months and then spent 4 months exclusive with someone when I realized it always came back to him. He was always on my mind, always my best friend etc etc. Was he perfect?- no, but neither am I. After almost a year apart ( of which he spent the majority of pursueing me) I ended the other relationship and we got back together. We were re-engaged 11 months after that and will marry May and 2008. So after seeing what else was out there I chose him once again. We challenge each other. There is this scene at the end of "The Notebook" that really fits us,

Noah: Well that''s what we do. We fight. You tell me when I''m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are being a pain in the ass. Which you are 99% of the time. I''m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a two second rebound rate and yoru back do doing the next pain in the ass thing.
Allie: So what.
Noah: So it''s not going to be easy. It''s going to be really hard. And we''re going to have to work at this every day. But I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/14/2007 6:36:13 PM
Author: Pandora II
FI and I met when I was 32 and he was 29, so we were pretty much established in our lives and ways of doing things.
Everytime I see him I feel so incredibly lucky. The thunderbolt hit us on both first sight and 2 1/2 years later still does.

I don''t want to be a downer, but it took WAY longer than 2.5 years for that honeymoon period to wear off... I think it was around 6-7 years of marriage... The first several years of marriage I was convinced that I had THE best marriage on the planet and had married THE best man in the world! Now we''re just two real people with real issues and still have thundrebolts, just not as *constantly* as it was... he''s still the same great guy, my rosey glasses have just become more clear

 

[diamondfan]

Cehra, I think that is part of real life a lot of the time. Not to say there are not couples who have magical and amazing love and never have the trials and struggles, but, mostly, life is not that fairy tale and real life can be sobering and tough. A lot of couples break up I think because they think it should be that amazing feeling always, and when it ebbs a bit, they think something is wrong, when maybe it is just a normal cycle and things will rebound...of course, some couples are not great together, and that is fine, it happens, but there is also a reality of things...

 

[KimberlyH]

Without a doubt I would choose him all over. I think he is the most intelligent, level headed, loving, kind and generous being in the whole world. This is not to say we don''t have our differences or bother one another/conflict on occasion but we have such an amazing understanding of each other and I would do it all over in a heartbeat because it has been such an amazing ride.

 

[anchor31]

If we''d meet today it would undoubtedly take me less than 8 months to fall in love with him! When I met him he was a little lost and confused, somewhat scruffy and still a boy, now he''s a confident man with a good pair of shoes and a career.

The qualities I fell in love with he never lost... and never will.

 

[dani13]

Yes, I would absolutely choose FI if I met him today....His fun, charismatic personality attracted me back then- and it would most definitely now...I love to laugh, I do it often, and I really believe he is one of the funniest people ever! Besides, he is adorable!

He just has an all-around great personality, and has so many of the qualities that I respond to and love. He is so good to me and he is my best friend. All I can ever ask for!

I do think that two people need to grow together, and change and evolve during the course of their marriage/relationship. If that doesn't happen, the relationship will fail. Sounds like you need to sit and have a serious talk with your fi/dh and address these issues. Life is too short to be unhappy.

 

[gail013]

Girly-

I think Oprah said that money exagerates the kind of person you are-for the better or worse. I think the reason so many people do stay together is that they have a history, and they have grown together. I have asked myself this question too, and after 20 years I would still choose my DH again. I feel lucky to have met him in the first place.

I know what you are asking. If you are having doubts, and have changed that much, you should think about it now rather than later, or at the very least talk about your differences. People do change as they grow and are affected by life experiences, but you need to make sure you are growing in the same direction.

 

[mela lu]

Girly925 - just want to say what a good, thought provoking and ''deeper level'' post this is...I really can''t contribute to the issue per se, but it''s nice that once and a while, we leave behind the somewhat indulgent diamond talk in favour of what ''really and truly'' brought us here...love and the promise of a life together.

Shucks. Awww.