would you reconsider an engagement

[Niel]

If your FI was in severe financial trouble?

Now I know "love is all you need" but if you found out your FI was in severe financial trouble would you marry them? Break off? Hold off the wedding?

Would it matter to you if they were or were not actively doing something about it?

Would it matter to you I'd you had kids? He had kids? Both? Neither ?

Not my situation but I'm just curious...

 

[jaysonsmom]

I would hope that all financial issues would have been openly discussed prior to the proposal, I would probably break it off. Not because of the financial trouble, but more rather due to failure to disclose the "severe" financial issue before the marriage talk. Especially if the financial situation is due to bad decisions or a gambling addiction, that would be a deal breaker.

I have dated guys from wealthy and poor families, but I always gravitated towards the guys with less, because they tend to be more ambitious, more humble in their personalities, and are better managers of what little money they have. Plus I want to be a contributor in the household, so financial distress is not a deal breaker, as long as I'm aware of the situation.

 

[Rhea]

I'd reconsider an engagement if anything which had major, life altering consequences came to light that I wasn't expecting. This includes but is not limited to, criminal history, financial problems including gambling, substance use issues, mental health issues, differing family boundaries, and serious medical conditions. I'm sure I've missed a couple of things there. None are deal breakers necessarily but not being open, honest, and discussing it could be.

Yes, I'd feel differently if it were something that was being addressed, but hiding it from me doesn't count as actively addressing it in my book.

I don't know, I don't have children and I'm not sure I can imagine marrying anyone who did at this point in my life. If I had children I think I'd make me even more serious and defensive about protecting myself and my children and cause me to hold off even more.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

It's the covering things up bit that doesn't sit well with me. I require full disclosure. I married my DH when he was still finishing college and had no job yet and plenty of looming school debt. I was in a similar situation and we have built our lives and are continuing to build our lives together. I'm sure there are plenty of people who wouldn't have married either of us based on the financial situations we were in when we got married. Hey at least we were honest with each other and have spent our whole marriage making things better. And we did it together so we're stronger for it.

 

[NOYFB]

Considering my DH lost his job 4 months before our wedding, and we've been married 13 years now, no. I was not concerned. I knew his work ethic was solid and that he would have no trouble getting another job.

 

[TooPatient]

Depends.

Due to loss of job & unemployment while searching, no problem.

Due to gambling or drug issues, problem.

Bad choices when younger (including credit card or school loans) -- no problem if cause has been corrected (now has good money management) and is actively paying off (school loans or in deferment with concrete plan to pay).
If the bad choices linger -- such as buying everything on credit with no real way to pay it back -- then that is a problem.


If the guy was open and honest with me from the point we were getting into serious talks about life and I knew what it was and why, then it wouldn't be a problem (see list above).

If the guy hid ANYTHING from me during those important discussions then THAT would be the deal breaker. If the guy had a multi-million dollar investment account but didn't tell me about it until just before the wedding (assuming we'd had the important financial talks already) that would be just as bad as having hidden debt. I don't want anything to do with a man who thinks he can hide stuff.

FWIW, I got involved with my DH when he had nothing -- quite literally showed up at my door with just the clothes he was wearing and a beat up old car. His credit was trash. Every penny he had went to attorneys to try to get his daughter out of a bad situation. I had to buy him clothes to wear to work.

Poor finances does not always mean someone you don't want to be with. Hiding truth DOES.

 

[missy]

Depends.

Due to loss of job & unemployment while searching, no problem.

Due to gambling or drug issues, problem.

Bad choices when younger (including credit card or school loans) -- no problem if cause has been corrected (now has good money management) and is actively paying off (school loans or in deferment with concrete plan to pay).
If the bad choices linger -- such as buying everything on credit with no real way to pay it back -- then that is a problem.


If the guy was open and honest with me from the point we were getting into serious talks about life and I knew what it was and why, then it wouldn't be a problem (see list above).

If the guy hid ANYTHING from me during those important discussions then THAT would be the deal breaker. If the guy had a multi-million dollar investment account but didn't tell me about it until just before the wedding (assuming we'd had the important financial talks already) that would be just as bad as having hidden debt. I don't want anything to do with a man who thinks he can hide stuff.

FWIW, I got involved with my DH when he had nothing -- quite literally showed up at my door with just the clothes he was wearing and a beat up old car. His credit was trash. Every penny he had went to attorneys to try to get his daughter out of a bad situation. I had to buy him clothes to wear to work.

Poor finances does not always mean someone you don't want to be with. Hiding truth DOES.

Totally agree. Honesty is critical in any successful long term relationship. No ifs ands or buts.

 

[MissGotRocks]

If I had severe financial problems, I wouldn't consider marrying someone to tether them to my troubles so conversely, I'd really have to rethink the situation. Guess it would also depend on how these problems came to be and how long term they were going to be. It would probably impact his credit and ability to do things like home purchases, starting family, etc. so if would be a major consideration. Or maybe I should say it would have been a major consideration when I was getting married way back when - if it were today, would definitely be a no go. I've seen too many couples crumble under financial strain - not interested in the least. That's just honest opinion!

 

[Dancing Fire]

If your FI was in severe financial trouble?

Now I know "love is all you need" but if you found out your FI was in severe financial trouble would you marry them? Break off? Hold off the wedding?

How severe?... an amount that we wouldn't be able to pay off in the next 20 yrs?..
Remember, they are also marrying each other's debt.

 

[Dancing Fire]

If I had severe financial problems, I wouldn't consider marrying someone to tether them to my troubles so conversely, I'd really have to rethink the situation. Guess it would also depend on how these problems came to be and how long term they were going to be. It would probably impact his credit and ability to do things like home purchases, starting family, etc. so if would be a major consideration. Or maybe I should say it would have been a major consideration when I was getting married way back when - if it were today, would definitely be a no go. I've seen too many couples crumble under financial strain - not interested in the least. That's just honest opinion!

Yep, besides affairs, financial strain is the #2 reason behind most divorces.

 

[LaraOnline]

Sorry, in retrospect decided to delete post as it is a quite interesting story that contains information that is personal to the people involved...lol...sorry for inconvenience...

 

[Niel]

The situation I'm watching is a little different.

They got together, from my understanding, knowing they both had financial troubles. Both with kids from previous marriages. They make due but an additional financial strain is coming there way.


Im just viewing things from the outside and I think I just don't know if I could purposely tie myself and my children to a person with crippling debt. I don't want to stick my nose in it so I won't give her advise one way or the other, but I just know if it was matter of doing whats best for me and my children, I would seriously think about calling it off at least for the moment. And it puts such a strain on a relationship anyways I'd feel doomed from the onset.

And yes for better or for worse and if my husband and I got into a situation we would make due because we are married, but if we got there and how we got out would be choices we made together. Not baggage one already brought with them.

 

[Laila619]

Yes, I would. I don't think love is enough, IMO you need to have similar goals, values, spending/saving habits, etc. This would be a dealbreaker to me.

 

[kenny]

So, it's assumed we only connect with partners with money?

My SO of 13 years has always had low income, no savings and terrible credit.

Should I dump him?

I think needing to have someone just like you is kinda sad.

 

[Niel]

Kenny don't boil this down to gold digging.

I'm glad you and your SO can manage despite debt.

 

[Niel]

If all you had to worry about was you, another person, and your loooove that's one thing. Rent a shoe box, don't have kids and get your stuff together.

But I think its completely reasonable to second guess the idea of tying yourself and your children to a crippling dept.

Love is nice but doesn't put a roof over your kids head.

 

[kenny]

Kenny don't boil this down to gold digging.

That's terribly insulting.
What a presumptive way to twist what I wrote and insert your garbage!

How dare you!

People vary.
Some have more money than others.
BTW, my first so (of 12 years) had WAY more money than I.
I've been on both sides of this.
IMO money discrepency doesn't matter much unless you are petty and insecure.

 

[Niel]

Kenny don't boil this down to gold digging.

That's terribly insulting.
What a presumptive way to twist what I wrote and insert your garbage!

How dare you!

People vary.
Some have more money than others.
BTW, my first so (of 12 years) had WAY more money than I.
I've been on both sides of this, and to me it doesn't matter much.

I don't think money matters that much, that is if you are not petty and insecure.

I'll be sure to tell her she's being petty next time she's worried about paying her rent.

 

[Laila619]

So, it's assumed we only connect with partners with money?

My SO of 13 years has always had low income, no savings and terrible credit.

Should I dump him?

If you're happy with the situation, that's what matters. Everyone has their own personal tolerances and dealbreakers in a mate.

FYI, an SO having low income does not necessarily equal "severe financial trouble." Someone can make a ton of money and be bad with managing it, and someone can earn a low income but be very responsible and sensible. My DH is not a very high earner, but I happily married him anyway.

 

[LaraOnline]

Kenny don't boil this down to gold digging.

That's terribly insulting.
What a presumptive way to twist what I wrote and insert your garbage!

How dare you!

People vary.
Some have more money than others.
BTW, my first so (of 12 years) had WAY more money than I.
I've been on both sides of this, and to me it doesn't matter much.

I don't think money matters that much, that is if you are not petty and insecure.

I'll be sure to tell her she's being petty next time she's worried about paying her rent.

Poor Kenny!
You can't seem to help but get into trouble lol.
FWIW, I didn't see anything 'button pushing' in your posts.
*insert imaginary bouquet of flowers icon here*

 

[zoebartlett]

It would depend on the situation and how hard my hypothetical FI was working to improve things.

I'd be much more sympathetic if he lost his job (due to the economy, let's say) and he was working hard to find a new one than I'd be if he had done something wrong and/or wasn't putting in the effort to find something new.

If he got into financial trouble because of consistently making bad choices, I'd be upset. That's not a good way to begin a marriage, and I'd find it hard to move forward with wedding planning. I think how one handles finances can speak volumes about a person. I'm not talking about spending a bit more than one could/should on something a few times, but rather someone who gets into serious trouble and can't manage his money whatsoever. That would be a huge problem for me.

 

[missy]

Just wanted to elaborate a bit more on my post from yesterday. When I was in the dating world I never cared what someone earned. I just cared that they were kind, funny, smart and ambitious so they could keep up with me. Oh and that I was attracted to them (so devastatingly handsome of course).
I dated men who were struggling artists, journalists, musicians as well as surgeons, attorneys, and businessmen. I had no interest or clue as to what any of them earned. They were driven and smart, energetic and motivated to have a good life and a happy life whatever that meant to them. That was enough for me because that means you would make it through the difficult times as well as the easy times yanno?

When my dh and I became engaged that was the first time we ever discussed what we earned. Foolish? No I don't think so. I knew he was/is a smart and ambitious and creative guy so we would be OK no matter what financially. And I had a decent career as well. If money was the motivating factor I shudder to think where we would be today. We have gone through rough financial times and came out OK. But then again I don't need to be rich to be happy. I just need my dh by my side and for us to remain relatively healthy so we can enjoy our hopefully long and healthy lives together. For richer or poorer.

But I would not have been attracted to someone who had no ambition to make something of themselves. It's just that money didn't matter at all (Ah, the twenties were such an innocent age lol) in those days. Today while I might not totally agree with that saying "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man" I can see where life might be a bit easier if one is rich. But there are just as many unhappy rich people as not rich ones. It's the poor people that are at a huge disadvantage because if you don't have enough money to put a roof over one's head and food on one's table and medical care to take care of one's family life is a b*tch. So I probably would have thought twice before becoming engaged to someone who had huge financial debt without any means to repay in a timely fashion. School debt with potential to easily repay is one thing. Other kinds of debt (gambling, spendthrift) is quite another and would have sent warning signals to me from the start. And if he wasn't honest from the near beginning that would have been the only deal breaker I needed.

 

[TC1987]

If your FI was in severe financial trouble?

Now I know "love is all you need" but if you found out your FI was in severe financial trouble would you marry them? Break off? Hold off the wedding?

How severe?... an amount that we wouldn't be able to pay off in the next 20 yrs?..
Remember, they are also marrying each other's debt.

And age matters in this scenario, too. If you are age 22 and in debt to your eyeballs, that is one thing. Starting out young with nothing, or actually "less than nothing" (debt) is one thing. But starting out in your 30s or 40s or older deep in debt is another. Some careers like IT and engineering seem to have an age bias, and you get about a 20-25 year career before companies want to boot you out and replace you with someone "young."

Being a bit reckless and trendy in your spending in your 20s may be okay, but by mid to late 30s you show more discretion, restraint, maturity, and practicality. My ex-husband still had college loans from undergraduate degree when he was in his late 30s, because he deferred and deferred. Then he ran up over $39k in credit card debt, and also had a big truck loan. People who run up debts and just presume that God or their spouse will provide really tick me off. The marriage was over as soon as I found out that I'd been played. I'd been paying the majority of household expenses, allowing him to coast so he could pay off the school loans. I'd never hitch myself to another guy with piles of debts.

 

[Niel]

If he got into financial trouble because of consistently making bad choices, I'd be upset. That's not a good way to begin a marriage, and I'd find it hard to move forward with wedding planning. I think how one handles finances can speak volumes about a person. I'm not talking about spending a bit more than one could/should on something a few times, but rather someone who gets into serious trouble and can't manage his money whatsoever. That would be a huge problem for me.

This and TC's example are the most similar to the situation I'seeing eight his couple.

 

[rosetta]

I like a quiet, peaceful life so I stay away from people with any kind of baggage: emotional, financial or otherwise. It's probably because I have a stressful career so I'm careful to minimise any sources of stress outside of this sphere. I'm just built that way. Others find financial burdens easy to bear, I'm not one of them.

 

[missy]

I like a quiet, peaceful life so I stay away from people with any kind of baggage: emotional, financial or otherwise. It's probably because I have a stressful career so I'm careful to minimise any sources of stress outside of this sphere. I'm just built that way. Others find financial burdens easy to bear, I'm not one of them.

Rosetta, this reminds me of what I told my dh when he proposed. I told him I want a peaceful life free of negative stress. I love quiet, peaceful and routine. That's my wildest desire (boring but happy to me). Haha if only our plans went flawlessly. There's an old Yiddish proverb that goes something like this: "we make plans and g-d laughs." So true so true.

 

[Saoirse2]

*'love is NOT all you need'. No, I would not marry him just yet. I would hold off the wedding until some progress has been made.
*Attitudes toward spending money, along with credit and debt problems, often lead to arguments that can strain a marriage. If he/she is not having any counseling work this out now, it will only get worse.
*I can only speak for my Kids, they can be expensive. I would never change my kid's stability for a man.
*You don't have to combine your credit when you marry [at least until your partner's credit record improves]. You'll have a harder time qualifying for a mortgage but your credit rating will remain unaffected. It is smart to face this issue now rather than wait until after you're married to discuss it.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Two people with financial problems is not the best match, in my opinion. It will just be compounded once married. But there seem to be women out there who just want to be married without really thinking through the financial implications.

 

[makemepretty]

So, it's assumed we only connect with partners with money?

My SO of 13 years has always had low income, no savings and terrible credit.

Should I dump him?

I think needing to have someone just like you is kinda sad.

Amen. Love is love, for better or worse..real love that is. If you wouldn't marry someone because of debt then it's not real love. For better or worse, you don't pick and choose when you love someone.

If someone can find excuses not to marry then they shouldn't get married period because it won't last anyway.

 

[momhappy]

If your FI was in severe financial trouble?

Now I know "love is all you need" but if you found out your FI was in severe financial trouble would you marry them? Break off? Hold off the wedding?

Would it matter to you if they were or were not actively doing something about it?

Would it matter to you I'd you had kids? He had kids? Both? Neither ?

Not my situation but I'm just curious...

Anyone who believes that "love is all you need" is a bit naive and I don't agree that it must not be "real" love if you're not willing to deal with serious debt. Life is complicated and so is love. There are any numbers of variables that can impact a relationship - debt/money being one of them. We may not pick and choose who we fall love with, but we do pick and choose who we spend the rest of our lives with and we all make different choices, for different reasons. It would not be fair for someone else to judge those feelings based on our choices (in other words, it's not up to someone else to say when something is "real" love and when something is not).
Would it matter to me if I found out my FI was in severe financial trouble? Yes. How I would react/respond would depend on how/why he got there. In other words, where did the debt come from and what are they doing about it?
Getting involved with someone who has a debt problem is worth some serious consideration IMO. Their debt problem becomes your debt problem, so it's wise to put some thought into it before moving forward with something like marriage. Personally, if I found out that my partner had serious debt, that was a result of poor choices, and they were doing nothing to resolve it, then I would likely not respect that fact and I would have a hard time moving forward with that person. If, however, they had a bunch of medical bills and they were trying to get their life back on track, I could respect that and I might be willing to work towards a future with that person.